Wiping wet noses and nails that need clipping
Changing soiled diapers and medicine sipping
Sitting in car seats, injections that sting
These are a few of my favorite things…

…Said no child, ever.

And since children are inclined to resist these activities, parents tend to dread them. So, in our haste to get the job done, we rush our babies through diaper changes and lunge at their snotty noses. We distract kids in order to slip them their medicine and keep them still when they need shots. We attempt to cut their nails and hair when they aren’t looking, maybe even while they sleep.

Ironically, these tactics end up creating unpleasantness and increasing the resistance we’d hoped to avoid. Our babies learn quickly to run for the hills every time we approach them with a tissue.

But there’s a simple secret that eases the pain of these mundane duties and can even (hard as this may be to believe) transform them into enjoyable times of connection.

The secret for enlisting our children’s cooperation is the same for all aspects of successful parenting: respect. Newborns, infants, toddlers, preschoolers — people of all ages — want to be engaged with, included and invited to participate rather than have things done to them. Who can blame us?

Here are some key ways to offer respect:

1. Make the activity a familiar routine and/or give advance notice

Life can seem overwhelming to young children. The more they know going in, the more likely they’ll view an activity positively and be able to rise to the occasion.

We inform children two ways: 1) by developing predictable daily routines so they know what to expect; and 2) by talking honestly about everything that will happen (at the doctor’s office, for example) ahead of time.

“Predictability is habit forming. Developing habits makes it much easier to live with rules. Because very young children do not understand the reasons behind the rules they are expected to follow, it is better if these rules become simply a matter of course. There are some things we do not need or want to re-examine every time we do them, such as brushing our teeth.” – Magda Gerber, Dear Parent – Caring for Infants With Respect

2. Don’t interrupt

Respect your child’s play and other chosen activities. Don’t interrupt unless absolutely necessary. Oftentimes, we realize that the runny nose or wet diaper can wait until the child is finished, or at least has a bit more time. Again, prepare children: “In a few minutes it will be time to change into your PJ’s, brush teeth and chose a book.”

“If a child has ample opportunity to play independently, without interruption, he is likely to be much more willing to cooperate with the demands of his parent.” – Gerber

3. Communicate with even the youngest infants 

Children are whole people from birth and we encourage their participation and partnership in tasks when we speak to them honestly and directly: “I need to wipe your nose with this tissue. Please keep your head still for a moment.”

4. Offer autonomy

Let your child do it or at least try. What’s there to lose? You might be amazed by your baby’s nose wiping talents.  Children toddler age and older feel more autonomous when we offer them choices: “Would you like to take your medicine now or after lunch?” “Which fingernail shall we clip first?”

But beware of false choices. It might seem more polite and respectful to ask children, “Can I give you your medicine now?”  but only if all options are acceptable to us.

5. Slow everything down

Slow down movements, words and the time in between them. The younger the child, the more time they need to process our words.

“One can further enhance the child’s sense of himself as a decision-maker by allowing enough time to elapse after requesting something, so that the child can decide on his own whether or not to cooperate.” – Gerber

6. Don’t multitask

Children need our undivided attention during these cooperative activities. Pay attention, connect and encourage children to do the same.

7. Acknowledge

If we are approaching the situation respectfully and our children still resist or object, acknowledge their feelings and point-of-view. “You are turning your head away. You don’t want me to dry your nose with the tissue. I’ll wait a little for you to be ready.”

When, despite our respectful attitude, children refuse to cooperate and we must force the (t)issue, it’s even more crucial that we acknowledge their disagreement or anger. “You didn’t like that. It upset you.”

8. Give thanks

Thank children for helping rather than offering empty “good job” praise. Acknowledge accomplishments and progress: “Now you are able to brush your own teeth!”

Chelsea shared how she ended a “spoon fight” with her 10-month-old baby by communicating with him respectfully, slowing down, and offering him autonomy:

“Every time I tried to give our baby pureed food he would reach for the spoon and hold on to it so tight that his knuckles would turn white. I would get so annoyed and would try to peel it from his hands. Feedings were getting more and more stressful. I thought the only solution would be offering more finger foods, but there were times when I needed to give him puréed food.

About a month ago I had my ‘a-ha’ moment and realized I was approaching this all wrong. I asked for the spoon. He didn’t give it to me, but he did eventually drop it. I asked if it was for me. He stared. I reached for it and explained I would put more food on the spoon and give it back.

Over the next few meals we started to master giving the spoon to each other. Now he gives the spoon — no big deal — and not only the spoon, now he likes to give me everything, rocks, toys, whatever!

Mealtime has changed 100%, and I feel like my boy actually enjoys giving to others when he wants to! Thank you for all the time you put into your Facebook page and blog. It has help me as a parent so much.

Here’s a video of our breakfast this morning…”

Thank you for allowing me to share your story, Chelsea!

For more, please read The Secret To Turning A Toddler’s “No!” Into A “Yes!” and What To Say Instead Of “NO!” – Six Ways To Gain Your Child’s Co-operation by Lisa Sunbury, Regarding Baby

(Photo by mazaletel on Flickr)

There is no greater gift to our children and ourselves than complete acceptance of their negative feelings. (Notice I did not say “behaviors”.)  By deleting from our parenting job description the responsibilities to ‘soothe’, ‘correct’ and ‘control’ our kids’ feelings and replacing them with ‘accept’, ‘acknowledge’ and ‘support’,  both parent and child are rewarded and liberated.

It can be intensely challenging to let go of our own reactiveness and patiently allow our children to feel. With practice, however, it gets easier and is the key to:

Successful limit setting

Fewer battles, more peace

Our child’s emotional health and healing

Mutual trust

A strong bond

Resilient, secure, authentic kids

Anna allowed me to share this note about her personal “victory”:

Hello Janet!

I want to say thank you for being out there. I found your blog couple of months ago. All difficult questions about parenting being so close to me, your advice and notes were such a treasure.

My son is 7, my daughter is 2. I have major issues with my son. I often used guilt to get something from him, and now it shows. It was easy to intimidate a little child, but it doesn’t work with a 7-year- old. I tried many different ways and styles, but nothing seemed just right… And here is your blog, and at last I felt I found what is needed!

My favorite book always was “Children are from Heaven” by John Grey. I loved everything about it, except time-outs. They seemed somehow wrong to me, but I didn’t know what to do instead. It is cowardly to deal with a child’s tantrum this way, to just put him in his room and close the door… But it never crossed my mind to just be right near him, sitting with him during the storm. My son would explode for every small reason and accuse me about everything and throw harsh words at me.  I was instantly triggered and involved, and there we’d be, standing against each other, screaming and accusing… Time-outs seemed much better to me…

And now I’m trying everything you are writing about, and today was the first big victory! Not over my son, but over myself.

Today I was calm and I was able to stay calm all the way through the tantrum. I was just listening to his harsh words and kept repeating that he was tired and angry because I would not let him watch cartoons. I assured him that feeling angry was ok.  When he tried throwing things or to hit, I held him and said that I won’t let him do it.

It was lasting forever… But I just stayed calm, did not answer his accusations and stayed with him.

The interesting thing was that my daughter usually hates it when we fight, but this time she was calm and just played near us like nothing was happening! And just when I thought that this was not working, my son embraced me and said, “I’m so sorry mom, I don’t want to fight anymore, forgive me please!”

I won that battle against myself, and now it will be easier. I know that it works and I know what to do.  It was not easy, but it was worth it.

Thank you so much, Janet! My son is not a toddler, but I hope I can overcome that harm I did in the past… We are blessed with such people like you, thank you for being there!

Sincerely,

Anna

(Photo by rolands.lakis on Flickr)

The good news is that once these perceptions are on-track we can make lots of mistakes, and yet we’ll almost never go wrong.

Treat them like people

Seventeen years ago I was invited to attend the introductory session of a parenting seminar led by Mary Hartzell, a highly respected author and preschool director. I remember little about Mary’s lecture except that I agreed with her approach.  What I recall vividly is that when it came time for questions, it was as if a dam had broken – a flood of fervent questions poured forth from the audience, and they all began: “How do I get my child to…?”

Parents wanted to get their preschoolers to brush teeth, pick up toys, toilet train, leave the park or stop hitting, pushing, biting, spitting, etc. It was clear from the tone of their questions, especially the repeated use of the word ‘get’, that many were on the wrong track. They were approaching these issues with an “us and them” attitude rather than a teamwork mentality. They were looking for quick fixes, tricks and manipulation tactics instead of working person-to-person and building the kind of trusting, mutually respectful relationship that makes discipline (and every other aspect of parenting) much simpler and more rewarding.

Of course, I doubt that I would have recognized this had I not been fresh out of my training with infant specialist Magda Gerber.

A few days after the lecture, I ran into the friend who’d invited me and expressed my appreciation. He raved. “Mary is wonderful. She has helped us so much. The amazing thing she taught us was to talk to our 3 year old about our expectations just like I would talk to you… just like we would speak to any other person.”

“Sounds great!” I replied. “Magda Gerber teaches us to do that with babies.”  My friend’s expression froze and he looked puzzled, as if he thought he’d misheard me. “Really?” he asked, eyes glazing over. And then we both dropped it. It didn’t seem the time to try to explain.

Babies are sentient, aware people from the moment they are born, ready to begin an honest, communicative relationship with us. Through our respectful relationship, children (of all ages) are far more inclined to listen and cooperate.

On the other hand, trying to get the people in our lives to do the things we want them to do seldom works more than once or twice, and it doesn’t it make us like each other or really teach anything (except perhaps mistrust). Presenting ourselves as the gentle leader that guides, models, demonstrates, coaches, helps our children to behave appropriately is the key to discipline.

Redefine quality time

The way I see it, parents have to wear two hats: a party hat and a professional hat. When we’re wearing our party hat we’re enjoying our kids, feeling connected, loving and fun. It’s easy to recognize this as quality time.

Wearing the professional hat is not so much fun, but it does not have to be excruciating either. I implore the parents I work with to re-imagine ‘quality time’ to include those moments when we are calmly, but assuredly facing our child’s resistance to his or her bedtime routine; firmly preventing our baby from hitting the dog; or patiently removing our children from situations when they’ve lost all control so they can meltdown safely in our presence.

Meltdowns and setting limits, quality time? What?! I know it’s counterintuitive, but from our children’s perspective, I feel certain it’s true.

The times we must wear our professional hat are perhaps the most precious kind of quality time, because children need our empathetic leadership even more than they need us to be their playmates and most ardent fans. I truly believe that our kids sense how difficult it is for us to wear this hat gracefully, and they will test our limits to see if they can knock it off (the hat, that is).

Embracing the idea that this “professional” time is also quality time is especially crucial for working parents, or those with multiple children, or parents who (for whatever reason) don’t have as much time to spend with their children as they would like, either routinely or just on that particular day.

Of course, we’d all prefer to spend the little time we have together joyously, but quite often that is not the dynamic our children need from us.  They need to be able to complain, resist, stomp their feet, cry, express their darker feelings with the assurance that they have our acceptance and acknowledgment. They need to know that they have a leader who will help them to comply with rules and boundaries in the face of their No’s, and not be intimidated by their displeasure and disagreement.

They need parents who can be capable leaders (so capable that we actually make it look easy), not just Good Time Charlies, people who they sense deep down have their very best interests, health and good character in mind.

One of my biggest aspirations as an educator is to effect change in our perceptions of discipline, boundaries and limits — to help transform these terms from negative to positive. When offered non-punitively in the context of empathy and respect, boundaries and discipline are gifts we should feel proud of, one of the highest forms of love. Once this is recognized, I’m convinced that parents and children will struggle far less and enjoy each much other more.

For guidelines and specific examples of respectful discipline, please read:

Lisa Sunbury’s posts on discipline

No Bad Kids – Toddler Discipline Without Shame and the many other posts in my discipline section

(Photo by miss.libertine on Flickr)

Sportscasters don’t judge, fix, shame, blame or get emotionally involved. They just keep children safe, observe and state what they see, affording children the open space they need to continue struggling until they either solve the problem or decide to let go and move on to something else:

“You’re working very hard on fitting that puzzle piece. You seem frustrated.”

“Savannah, you had the bear and now Ally has it. You both want to hold it. Savannah is trying to get it back… Ally, I won’t let you hit.”

“You’re trying to climb back down from that step. I will keep you safe. I won’t let you fall.”

 5 Benefits of Sportscasting

1. When we do less, children think and learn more

Surprisingly, these mini-commentaries are often all our children need to persevere with challenging tasks and resolve conflicts with siblings and peers. When more help is needed, we can transition into ‘interview’ mode by calmly asking open-ended questions like: “You both want that ball. What can you do?”

If struggles continue and feelings escalate, we might parse out a suggestion or two, like, “Did you notice there’s another ball in that basket?” Or, “you might try placing just one foot down off that step first.”

If the struggle is about physical play between two (or more) children and one of the children seems concerned, we can check-in by asking, “is that okay with you?” and if the child indicates that it’s not, we might suggest, “you can say ‘no’ and move away” (and then we gently stop the action if necessary).

Less is always more.

RIE Parent/Toddler Guidance Classes typically end at around age two, but one of the classes I facilitate has chosen to remain together through the children’s third year, so I’ve had the unique opportunity to practice sportscasting with preschoolers. Since these children are more verbal than the under-two’s, I’ve been able to hone my “interview” skills and been stunned by how well this approach still works. (Granted, these children are RIE-advantaged by having become accustomed to solving problems with minimal intervention.)

When the children are struggling over a toy, I sportscast and then ask:

“Laura, what were you planning to do with that car?”

“I want to roll it down the ramp.”

“Jake, you look upset. What do you want to do with the car?”

He demonstrates that he wants to roll the car up the wall.

“Oh, Jake wants to roll the car on the wall. Hmmm… What can you two do?”

To my amazement, asking these three-year-olds to consider and express their desires is often all they’ve needed to resolve the struggle. The children end up deciding to either do the activities together, take turns and watch each other, or let go and move on to something else, all by themselves.

The temptation to lead, direct or solve problems can be great, but if we can control these impulses, children will learn much more and build confidence.

2. Trust empowers

Sportscasting is our most minimal conflict intervention tool and the most empowering, because it communicates trust and belief in our children. By sportscasting we are essentially saying, “I’m here and I support you, but feel confident that you can handle this situation”. Sportscasters are not afraid of their children’s age-appropriate feelings of loss, frustration, disappointment and anger. They patiently acknowledge those, too:

“You are still so disappointed about that tower you were building. It’s really upsetting to have it fall down.”

We let whatever happens happen, and rather than creating for our children an unnecessary dependence on adults to fix situations for them, we foster resilience and self-confidence.

3. Reminds us not to judge or take sides

Sportscasting keeps our natural tendencies to judge or project in check. This is critical, because whenever we judge a child and/or her behavior we create shame, guilt and distance, which hinders our connection, undermines learning and self-confidence.

I’m so sensitive to projecting a problem where there isn’t one or shaming children that I don’t even like using the word ‘took’. For me, there’s a subtle, but important difference between, “You had that and now Tommy has it” and “Tommy took that from you”.

Children often define ‘play’, ’fun’ and ‘problems’ quite differently than adults do. I’ll never forget the one time I tried to stick up for my son when he was on the receiving end of (what seemed to me) a relentless, over-the-top verbal blasting from his older sister and having him point me to the door to “stay out of it”. He’s no masochist, so I can only assume he was enjoying himself.

By sportscasting, we confirm our acceptance of the situation as is, which helps us to keep our eyes and minds open.

4. Encourages children not to identify as aggressors or victims

One of the biggest problems with responses that over-protect, shame or take sides is that the children involved can get stuck in the victim/aggressor roles we unwittingly assign them. Aggressors believe they are bad and mean. Victims feel weak and powerless. Both believe they are dependent on adults to intervene and solve their problems for them.

5. Provides children a clearer understanding of situations, teaches language, social and emotional intelligence

By sportscasting we facilitate experiential learning, which is education at its best, most meaningful and profound.

Sportscasting is not enough when there are:

• Safety issues – always our first priority
• Disruptive or destructive patterns of behavior. Children need gentle, firm reminders to not keep removing every toy from another child’s hands, etc.
• Children focused on a project should have their work protected if possible. But if we don’t arrive in time to prevent a child from dismantling another child’s project, we should still sportscast and interview.

Like all of the best child care practices, sportscasting works because it is about trusting our child’s innate abilities…and staying out of the way so she’ll be empowered to use them.

Recommended reading:

Just about everything by Teacher Tom

Falling – A Lesson in Friendship, Forgiveness, and Moving On by Lisa Sunbury, Regarding Baby

5 Reasons To Love Conflict by Emily Plank, Abundant Life Children

The S Word, Don’t Fix These Toddler Struggles, and What To Do About A Toddler Toy Taker on this blog

(Photo by Philippe Put on Flickr)

My focus as a parenting teacher and coach, and the underlying theme of every post I’ve written, is respect for babies and toddlers. Everything I share on my blog is intended to evangelize one basic truth – all of us are born real and whole people. The sooner parents understand this, the better chance their children will have for emotional health, happiness and success. 

When respect is deeply understood, parenting is ridiculously simple. Even when the day-to-day is not so easy and fun, we can make sense of it, because we can always relate to our child’s needs on a human level. Respect is our beacon.

As I’ve expressed in other posts, I was once oblivious to the real meaning of respect. Of course, I thought I respected babies, but I really didn’t until the day I observed my infant lying on her back on the floor and for the first time saw her — a unique person deeply occupied with her own thoughts who deserved to be treated as I would expect to be treated.

Once respect is understood, we see our children through a new lens.

Respect is a sensitivity that some might be born with, or perhaps develop early on because parents treat us respectfully. Many will never quite get it, though, unless our cultural perception of infants and toddlers shifts dramatically.

The depressing truth I learned this week is that there is no point trying to explain respect to the in-the-dark majority. Like love or music or ice-cream – you can’t possibly understand if you’ve never experienced it.  So, I found myself in a quagmire of inane arguments over something as obvious (to me) as whether or not we should enjoy photos of a child in distress, like those that recently went viral…

Toddler’s cry all the time for ridiculous reasons, don’t you know? It’s funny! Don’t you have a sense of humor? And it makes us so happy to see him upset over nothing because our children cry over stupid things, too. We feel less alone! The child should learn to laugh at himself. Why are you so uptight? Party Pooper!

Although it seems utterly futile and a little masochistic, I’m going to attempt (one more time) to explain my intense objection to these photos. Would we laugh at a senile granny in anguish for seemingly ridiculous reasons? Would photos posted without our permission of us in tears be hilarious? How about whimpering animals — is their misery disturbing or just plain funny?

Assuming the answer to those questions is, “well, no, but…” then consider this: Are pre-verbal children sub-human cartoon figures? Why is a crying baby funny?

We don’t suddenly become people when we start to toddle, speak recognizable words, respect our elders, vote or get married. We are all there from the beginning and waiting, hoping to connect with someone who can really see us, the person. We have a powerful instinctive need to understand and be understood, and we trust our parents to show us the way.

Science has long known that in these formative first years (while our brains triple in size) the interactions we have with our loved ones, especially the manner in which our emotions are received and responded to, are internalized as “self”. Meaning, how we are treated is who we become, and psychotherapists know this deep sense of self is difficult, if not impossible to shake later on.

So the early years are the most dangerous and potentially damaging time to scoff at our children’s feelings. In fact, it is during this brief period that we have our very best shot at positively affecting our child’s future happiness, relationships and self-worth. The choices we make will matter for all the years to come. Kind of scary. Certainly the time to be extra careful.

For some reason, though, perhaps because they are accepting and can’t object, babies and toddlers are the people we’re most inclined to dismiss, manipulate, objectify, ridicule and generally disrespect. Could this compulsion to trivialize early childhood stem from core feelings of self-disdain we’ve internalized? I wonder…

“When we help a child to feel secure, feel appreciated, feel that “somebody is deeply, truly interested in me,” by the way we just look, the way we just listen, we influence that child’s whole personality, the way that child sees life.”                             – Magda Gerber

(Photo by jerryfergusonphotography on Flickr)

Several feet away stood her mother, who also glared as she held baby sister (about 12 months old) in her arms. The girl kept her composure but avoided her parents’ gaze. She seemed alone and vulnerable — a “problem child” estranged from her family.

If this mini-snapshot was as typical of her family dynamic as I imagined it to be, it was hard to fathom this little girl ever feeling anything other than resentment towards her baby sister.

The arrival of a new baby is often the most traumatic event in a young child’s life, and if this transition isn’t handled with sensitivity and empathy, some children will never totally regain their footing. At stake are our child’s healthy relationships with parents and siblings, as well as her sense of security and self-worth.

Here are some key points to keep in mind during this difficult adjustment:

1. Have reasonable expectations

A new baby causes a major shift in the family dynamics. No matter how much the older child may have wished for a baby brother or sister, the reality of this shift in the parents’ attention and affection is felt as a loss. Children often feel grief, sadness and sometimes anger or guilt, but mostly they are fearful of losing their parents’ love. Overwhelmed by this tumultuous blend of emotions, which are nearly impossible for children to understand (much less articulate), they act out their pain through irritating behaviors that are sometimes aggressive. Mood swings can be extreme.

Parents might be shocked to discover an unpleasant side to their child they hadn’t known existed, especially if they expected her to be a loving, adoring and helpful big sister during this adjustment. These behaviors are bound to push parents’ buttons, yet since the child is experiencing an emotional crisis she needs the assurance of her parents’ love and empathy more than ever.

2. Encourage children to express feelings

There are a couple of important ways parents can help children express their feelings in a healthy manner:

a. When children act-out with the baby — kissing or patting the baby too hard or jumping on the bed next to her — after calmly but confidently stating the boundary (“I can’t let you…”), the parent can ask matter-of-factly, “Are you feeling rough toward the baby right now? Are you upset that the baby’s here? Big sisters often feel that way. But I’m going to help you get down from the bed. I’d love for you to sit on my lap or jump on the floor next to me.”

b. Casually bring up the subject of negative feelings as often as possible: “Being a big sister is very hard sometimes. It’s normal to get angry at the baby or at mom or dad, feel sad, worry or just be upset and not know why. If you feel any of those things I want to know. I will always understand, love you and want to help you.”

It may feel counterintuitive to suggest these feelings to your child (won’t this encourage her to feel negatively toward the baby?). The truth is that the more you can openly accept and acknowledge, even welcome your child’s negative thoughts and emotions, the more space you will clear for your children to form a genuinely loving bond with their siblings.

3. But why mention negatives when my child seems fine?

Some children do seem to adapt to life with the new baby peacefully. Why would we project about problems that don’t exist?  It is my view that the children who seem more accepting and tolerant of this huge life change need even more encouragement to express negative feelings than those who overtly struggle. No matter how positive any change is there are also elements of fear and loss. For all of us.  If these feelings aren’t addressed and expressed, they are internalized. You may have a well-behaved child, but chances are good she’s suffering inside.

4. Avoid guilt-inducing comments  

When parents are expecting baby number two, friends and relatives will often comment to the firstborn child, “Oooh, bet you can’t wait to be a big sister!” But by then it’s already begun to dawn on the older child that ‘big sister’ isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.  They’ve sensed that the focus of everyone’s attention has shifted away from them. Their future feels uncertain and it will only get worse. They need someone who understands their pain and can assure them that their mixed feelings (especially the negative ones) are perfectly valid, or they are likely to turn these feelings inward.

5. Don’t judge

Again, this is about adjusting our expectations and understanding that button-pushing behaviors are the manifestation of our child’s pain and confusion. When we label a behavior “not nice”, “mean” or “bad”, children take these judgments personally. It’s not only the behavior that’s bad — they are bad. When the people they trust and need most in the world tell them they are “not nice”, they believe it, and this rejection is profound.

6. Lessen tension by not sweating the small stuff

Second children are born into a much different environment than their big sisters. Having an older sibling is exciting. So as much as possible, let it be. Let it be noisier and more chaotic, and let there be more interruptions to the baby’s playtime. Let big sister take toys away from the baby when they’re “playing together” as long as this is physically safe. Understand that this impulse is powerful and symbolic of the rivalry the older child feels. Most babies don’t mind the toys being removed from them unless their parents do.  In fact, this is the way they “play” with another child. The less you focus on these harmless behaviors, the less compelling it will be for the older child to repeat them.

7. Understand your child’s need for trust and autonomy 

Ask for her help whenever possible, especially regarding the baby’s care. When children’s emotions are out of control, opportunities to feel autonomous have a calming effect. But also don’t be disappointed if your child turns you down, because saying “no” is also a way for her to feel autonomous.

8. One-on-one time

Periods of time alone with your children are a necessity, but for both the baby and the older child it’s about quality, not quantity. Set aside at least 20 minutes a day in which you are wholly present and focused on your older child (which might mean aiming toward giving the baby an earlier bedtime). Then, when you need to focus on the baby and your child struggles, you can calmly acknowledge, “I see how uncomfortable it is for you when I am feeding the baby. That is really hard for you, I know. I’m so looking forward to our time together tonight after the baby goes to bed. Think about what you’d like to do together.”

9. Foster the baby’s independent play

A baby who can self-entertain is even more of a blessing the second time around, because his or her independent play creates opportunities for parents to be available to the older child without the baby always between them. Provide a safe, enclosed play space (a crib or playpen is fine for the first months), so that the baby doesn’t need constant supervision. Your toddler will probably need this boundary, because the impulse to test the parents by bothering the baby can be strong.

10. Respect your children’s continued need for boundaries and calm, helpful parents who are “on their side”.

Although extreme exhaustion or guilt might lead us to ease up on boundaries during this period of transition and emotional turmoil, our children need the love and security of our limits now more than ever. They’ll need us to give them matter-of-fact reminders like, “I don’t want you to touch the baby when you are in a jumpy mood”; choices like, “You can stay next to me quietly while I put the baby to bed, or play in the next room.” Sometimes they’ll need us to follow through by gently but firmly physically containing them or removing them from situations. Most crucially, they’ll need us to intervene way before we lose our temper or think they’re “not nice” and with all the confidence, calmness, patience and empathy we can muster.

For more about new babies and sibling rivalry in general, I appreciate these perspectives:

Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (one of my all-time favorite parenting books)

Ask the Parent Coach: 7 Ways to Help Your Child Adjust to a New Baby by Susan Stiffelman

A Call for Sunshine and Enlightened by Nadine Hilmar

Sibling Conflicts by Lisa Sunbury

Dealing With Sibling Aggression by Amanda Morgan

Projections aren’t all bad. These “educated guesses” stem from our healthy, socially adaptive instinct to imagine each other’s thoughts, feelings and intentions in order to relate and connect.  Projections are sometimes accurate, but more often than not they are at least a little off track, because they are more reflective of our own thoughts and feelings than those of the person we’re projecting about. 

We project most when our children are preverbal and can’t share what they’re thinking. These projections often cause us to:

1. Misread our child’s cues and reactions

Does our 5-month-old baby love it when we pull her up to sit or stand, or is her glee a reflection of ours? Do our child’s squeals mean she enjoys being tickled or thrown in the air, or are we seeing what we want to see? Does our toddler want reading lessons with Daddy, or just to please him? Is our baby bored, or are we?

2. Respond inaccurately to crying

It’s extremely challenging not to project the worst case scenario (like a deeply traumatized child, always) whenever babies cry. Our baby’s cries feel like a knife (if not several) to our heart, and a powerful instinct to calm our baby overwhelms us. We’ll do anything.

But is immediately scooping our baby up or offering breast milk or a pacifier what she needs? Or are we just temporarily quieting, perhaps even stifling her? And what messages do we send children when we can’t bear to hear their cries for the minutes or even moments it takes to discern what they are trying to communicate? I can’t handle hearing your feelings. Your way of communicating is not valid. You are alone with these thoughts and feelings, your needs are not recognized.

3. Interrupt our child’s important processes

Every week in my RIE Parent-InfantGuidance Classes the parents and I share projections we have about the children, but we make it a point not to act on them. We project that 4-month-old Johnny wants “help” rolling over, because he has moved from his back to his side and is crying. But after we probe a little, acknowledge his feelings (“you are working so hard and seem frustrated”), ask him questions (“do you want to be picked up?”), listen and wait, we discover that he was saying he was tired and needed a break. Or, we realize that his cries were expressions of his effort and that he was actually able to roll over himself when we gave him a minute or two.

4. Impede socialization

Adults commonly project when children are engaging with each other. This is another scenario I witness at least once a week in my RIE classes:  Johnny has the ball, Savannah comes over and touches the ball. “Uh-oh”, we’re all thinking — although after my years of witnessing these interactions, my “uh-oh” is more about the parents getting angry with me because their kids might end up momentarily unhappy, which is usually not the case. More often than not, Savannah takes the ball from Johnny, who takes in this interaction with interest, but is not at all stressed.  The parents and I saw a potential problem that might need fixing. The children saw “learning to play together”.

5. Not provide children the clear boundaries they need (which includes defining our own personal boundaries) 

From late in the first year through age five, especially, children often object very strongly to our boundaries, even if it’s about a preference for mommy’s attention when only their wonderful, loveable daddy is available.  These strong objections, screams, tantrums and meltdowns are a healthy expression of will that can include real tears, shaking, holding one’s breath – all reactions that are ripe for our fear-based projections. “Does our child feel unloved, abandoned, devastated?” No, not if we’ve honestly and calmly communicated with her and acknowledged her feelings. Although she may feel disappointed and angry, she also feels safe and secure, assured that she has the leaders she needs.

6. Distort our perception

A friend recently shared an astute realization: While trust for her six-year-old daughter had come easily, she had overreacted to her older son’s behaviors over the years, because she feared he’d become like her own alcoholic, abusive brother.

7. Emit a sense of foreboding that is self-fulfilling

When we project that a diaper change is going to be a disaster or that our child will freak out when we try to separate, our child senses our discomfort which makes a relaxed diaper change or easy separation far less likely.

But enough about the problems. Let’s move on to the solutions:

Beware of the Mini-Me’s.  The positive side of projection is that we are relating to our babies and toddlers as little people, but when we project, this little person is usually a mini-“us”.  Although children inherit a combination of traits from their parents (some of which might be noticeable), our kids are totally unique, separate individuals and the earlier we recognize this, the clearer our perceptions will be.

Observe. If there’s an antidote to projection, observation is it. Sensitive observation is the key to clarity. The two years parents usually spend in our RIE Classes are all about learning to observe, and this is a fascinating process, because it’s about understanding and accepting our children, and also ourselves. Parents come to our classes to learn about respectful care and are blown away by the insights they gain about their own fears, concerns, motivations and childhood experiences.

Be responsive rather than directive during play and when choosing extra-curricular activities. Allow children to come up with the ideas and set the pace. Follow infant specialist Magda Gerber’s advice:  ”Do less, observe more, enjoy most”.

Wait before responding rather than reacting to the first impulse, which is often driven by projection. Your perception of the moment will likely change.  ‘Wait’ was Magda Gerber’s magic word and I wrote all about it in this post:  The Parenting Magic Word.

Our natural tendency to project is powerful, instinctual and doesn’t go away, but our increased awareness of our projections combined with a pause for observation can lead to a new level of clarity about our children and ourselves.

“Being understood creates security, trust and confidence. Being misunderstood creates doubt both in oneself and in one’s own perceptions. So how can we try to understand rather than misunderstand? What should we do? The answer is, observe more, do less.” – Magda Gerber, Dear Parent – Caring for Infants With Respect

(Photo by Fabio Bruna on Flickr)

An increasing number of parents are reporting that they are combining Magda Gerber’s RIE approach and Attachment Parenting. Since I haven’t done that myself, I’d love to hear readers’ experiences in the Comments Section (below).

RIE and AP are distinctly different in both theory and practice, although both approaches could be considered valid routes toward secure attachment – both are responsive to the child’s needs. Where they diverge most is in their recommendations for bonding in the first year. These differences are reflective of the way each school of thought perceives infants’ needs and abilities.

Attachment Parenting views the baby’s first nine months as a “fourth trimester” and suggests that infants derive comfort and security from an environment that is as “womblike” as possible. Maintaining constant close contact with the mother is also thought to help babies regulate themselves physiologically. So, among AP’s primary recommendations are: a) keeping babies attached to the parent’s body in a carrier for the majority of the day; and b) co-sleeping.

In the Attachment Parenting model, this almost constant connectedness helps parents become attuned to their baby’s needs. The parent trusts the infant to indicate readiness to be independent of the parent’s arms.

RIE perceives infants as dependent but innately competent self-learners ready to actively participate in life and begin forming communication partnerships with their parents at birth. RIE recommends speaking to even the youngest infants directly and respectfully (“Now I’m going to wipe your back with this warm washcloth”), and suggests parents pay full attention to babies and engage their participation during “relationship-building” routines like baths, feedings and diaper changes. In between naps and care-giving routines, RIE suggests providing infants opportunities to move freely and initiate self-chosen activities in a safe play area. Parents practice observing sensitively in order to become attuned to their baby’s needs (including her need to be held).

So, one could generalize that Attachment Parenting’s focus is building healthy attachments through physical connectedness, while the RIE approach emphasizes the development of a mind connection. Their core recommendations might be summed up as: “Keep your baby close” (Attachment Parenting) and “Pay attention and respect” (RIE).

These would seem to be mutually supportive, compatible practices. End of story?

Not necessarily, according to RIE founder Magda Gerber and Jean Liedloff, whose book “The Continuum Concept” has been an inspiration to AP advocates. Interestingly, both  Gerber and Liedloff  expressed views on “keeping babies close” and “paying attention” that are not only divergent, they are diametrically opposed.

“Before attending RIE classes, I had carried my daughter everywhere. Starting from three months, I soon learned that I could let go and still stay profoundly connected. My daughter taught herself to roll over and sit up and walk, teaching me in the process that I could let her. She taught me that there are all kinds of things she can do without me”. – A RIE parent from Dear Parent: Caring for Infants With Respect

Magda Gerber agreed with AP founder Dr. William Sears and Liedloff that babies have an essential need to be touched and held, but she also believed the positive effect of touch was greatly diminished when there was little direct attention paid to the baby. “What is the value of being held or touched if it’s only the skin that is in contact?  What about your minds connecting, or to become more philosophical, your souls?” asks Gerber in Your Self-Confident Baby.

Profoundly influenced by her pediatrician Dr. Emmi Pikler, who was a pioneering advocate of unrestricted infant movement and unassisted natural gross motor development, Gerber also argued that the extended use of carriers was too confining for babies and impeded them from moving “according to their readiness”.

“Most animals can show affection only through touch, be we humans have an extensive, varied and refined repertoire of ways to demonstrate love. To me, a mature, evolved person shows love by respecting the “otherness” of the beloved. You become a good parent not only by listening to your instinctive messages but by paying close attention to your baby, by observing the infant. Sensitive observation flows from respect.” - Gerber

Like Gerber and Pikler, Jean Liedloff’s opinions were shaped through extensive observation. While Pikler and Gerber observed babies interacting with caregivers and initiating “child-led play” activities of their own in safe, enclosed play areas, the Yequana Indian babies Liedloff observed spent the majority of their day safely nestled in their mothers’ arms or attached to their bodies in carriers:

“…this in-arms experience had an impressively salutary effect on the babies and they were no “trouble” to manage. Their bodies were soft and conformed to any position convenient to their bearers — some of whom even dangled their babies down their backs while holding them by the wrist. The baby passively participates in the bearers running, walking, laughing, talking, working, and playing.” – Liedloff, The Importance of the In Arms Phase:

So Gerber and Liedloff disagreed about the value of the “in-arms” experience. Their views about “attention” conflict even more dramatically. Liedloff’s is a more adult-directed view:

“…it is also important that caretakers not just sit and gaze at the baby or continually ask what the baby wants, but lead active lives themselves. Occasionally one cannot resist giving a baby a flurry of kisses; however, a baby who is programmed to watch you living your busy life is confused and frustrated when you spend your time watching him living his. A baby who is in the business of absorbing what life is like as lived by you is thrown into confusion if you ask him to direct it.” – Liedloff

While Gerber believed “gazing” was crucial for bonding and attunement:

“As you carefully observe your newborn, you will discover her unique personality. You will see your real child as she is rather that the “imaginary child” of your own creation. You observe her so that, in time, you will understand her likes and dislikes, moods, and abilities. And understanding these things will help you to better care for her, communicate with her, and improve your relationship.” – Gerber

In Liedloff’s essay “Who’s In Control? The Unhappy Consequences of Being Child-Centered”, she asserts that giving babies too much direct attention when what they want and need is to be passive “spectators” is what commonly causes them to become “terrible twos”, bossy, demanding, angry, rude and defiant. Whereas the Yequana Indian children never had conflicts with peers or adults; never interrupted an adult conversation; “rarely spoke at all in the company of adults, confining themselves to listening and performing little services such as passing around food or drink.”

“The crucial difference is that the Yequana are not child-centered. They may occasionally nuzzle their babies affectionately, play peek-a-boo, or sing to them, yet the great majority of the caretaker’s time is spent paying attention to something else…not the baby! Children taking care of babies also regard baby care as a non-activity and, although they carry them everywhere, rarely give them direct attention. 

Being played with, talked to, or admired all day deprives the babe of this in-arms spectator phase that would feel right to him. Unable to say what he needs, he will act out his discontentment.” - Liedloff

In Gerber’s view paying attention could never be a problem and is, in fact, the key to raising healthy, happy children:

The more you invest in those first early years of parenting, the easier your life could be later on. You won’t have to be a slave to a child who has been raised with aware, respectful attention. It can be the difference between nagging, neglected (withdrawn or aggressive) children and those who will make it in life independently, with strength and confidence. - Gerber

I offer these viewpoints as a discussion opener and really hope you’ll share your thoughts and experiences…

(Photo by Gemma Stiles on Flickr)

I am having a tough time with my almost two-and-a-half year old daughter Madeline.  I have practiced RIE since before she was born while I worked in infant care, so your approach is what I am used to around children. She has, thus far, been brought up in a very calm, patient, encouraging, respectful home.

Madeline has always been an “easy-going” child – very empathetic, happy, independent … all around great. Recently, she has begun to start “back-talk”, and apparently it is the button to push! When I (or my husband) am trying to tell her something, she argues with us to the point where I don’t really know where to go before it turns into an argument or power struggle. A couple of examples:

Grampie was in the bathroom and she was standing at the closed door, yelling for him. I told her “Madeline, Grampie is just going to the washroom. He will be out soon. He needs some privacy. Please stop shouting at him.” She started shouting back to me “No! No, he doesn’t need his privacy!”

She hit me with a toy (half-by-accident, I think…), and I told her “Ouch! That hurts me. I don’t like it.” She replied (quite indignantly), “Yeah, ya do!” This happens quite often when I express my own feelings to her – she replies, with lots of attitude, the opposite.

I understand that it is a time of independence and she is learning how to be her own person. I understand that it is a very conflicting and confusing time for her because she wants to be independent but still needs us. We have always given her lots of space and time and choices, so this is new for us. I don’t really know what to do.

Lisa

Hi Lisa,

You nailed the issue here: “She has begun to start “back-talk”, and apparently it is the button to push! “  Madeline continues to push your button because it works — the back-talk is getting a rise out of you. The solution is simple: deactivate this button so the behavior loses its power.

I realize that this might not be as easy as it sounds. It may not even seem right to you. Yes, this is rude behavior, and if anyone other than your own 2.5 year old daughter treated you this way, you’d be rightfully offended.  And then the fact that this is your empathetic, all-around-great little girl whom you’ve adored and respected makes it feel a million times worse. It’s surprising and alarming. How dare she? What’s happening to your precious girl? Where is this obnoxious behavior coming from, and how do we put a stop to it?

If you were a less empathetic, knowledgeable parent you’d probably spank her or put her in time out, but since you are respectful and enlightened I advise something far more effective: adjust your perspective. There is surely some good news here, so consider this:

1.  As you know, toddlers need to test their power, express their individuality, try stuff out. Madeline’s right on track.

2.  Toddlers commonly express their burgeoning independence by disagreeing with us, no matter what it’s about. Magda Gerber used to tell the story of a toddler shouting NO before eagerly accepting an ice-cream cone from her parent. Defiance is an almost automatic response, so when we say ‘yes’, toddlers have an overpowering compulsion to say no (and vice-versa), whether or not they really mean it. It’s nothing personal.

3.  Madeline’s talking!

4.  She has strong opinions and the attitude to go with them, some of which are going to be nutty and inappropriate, but the fact she expresses herself this way means she’s an assertive, self-confident girl.

5.  I’m usually not one to compare young children to animals, but when I think of toddlers experimenting with their power, I see gorillas beating their chests. Woohoo! It’s a powerful time.

6.  She’s testing these behaviors out at home where she knows she’s safe, loved and generally accepted, which means you’ve nurtured her well.

7.  She’s tiny and 2.5 years old. I imagine you and your husband are quite a bit taller and at least…20? In other words, don’t take Madeline’s hollering and back-talk personally or feel the slightest bit threatened by your blustery little girl. See this for the healthy testing it is and rise above it. 

Here are some “Take 2” suggestions for the example you gave me:

It sounds like you began to get a little wound up when Madeline was hustling poor Grampie out of the washroom, but you tried to keep your cool. How was your tone, do you think?  Did you seem calm and unfazed?

Take a step back. Isn’t it kind of sweet that this commanding little toddler wants her Grampie so badly and thinks she might be powerful enough to eject him from the washroom? I know I’d be flattered if that were my grandchild. So, if I were you, I would say lightly, “Somebody really wants her Grampie! Madeline, I think Grampie may have heard you…and he might need another minute or two.” I’d leave it at that.

Besides, can’t Grampie fend for himself?

When Madeline hit you with the toy (which probably wouldn’t have happened if she hadn’t sensed you were upset about Grampie), your response set you up for even more button pushing. Stopping her before she hit you would have been ideal, “Ouch!” is fine, and “that hurts me” is okay if you aren’t too emotional about it. But you took the behavior a little too personally when you added, “I don’t like it.” Believe it or not, these few extra words were enough to indicate to Madeline that this minor incident had the power to upset you, when what she needed was reassurance that you were confidently in charge. So she continued her button-pushing barrage with her pugnacious response, “Yeah, ya do!”

When children do this it’s as if they’re saying, “Can you handle this? Can you handle me? Please prove that you can handle me with ease.”

Here are some other light-hearted (but not sarcastic) “deactivating” responses to bossiness and back-talk:

“Well, I guess we disagree on that one.”

“Hmm… Thank you for your opinion.”

“You seem to have strong feelings about (Grampie leaving the washroom, etc.)”

And when in doubt there’s always, “Interesting!”

So, take a step back, react and worry less, enjoy your daughter’s spirit!

Hope this helps…

Warmly,

Janet

(Photo by EF Photography on Flickr)

After my disappearing act, the RIE facilitator, Hari Grebler, gently offered, “You might have said, ‘I see you are interested in my keys, but I am going to put them away in my pocket now. These aren’t safe for you to play with.’”

Uh, really?

Hari had suggested a surprising way to intervene with a baby, and for the rest of the class I watched as she walked the walk (crawled the crawl and scooted the scoot). Every interaction she engaged in with these 5-9 month old children was honest, respectful, dignified, which in my view at that time seemed a little too precious, weird and over-the-top.

But it did seem that the infants responded to Hari’s words. If I hadn’t known better, I might have believed they actually understood.

After spending a couple of days digesting this oddly compelling experience, something clicked for me. Babies are real people, so why wouldn’t we treat them that way from the beginning?

The more I observed respectful interactions in subsequent RIE classes and then began practicing them with my three-month old infant, the more “right” this new way felt. Once I understood that babies are whole people ready to be treated with respect — that they in fact need and deserve this message from the time they are born — there was no turning back. Inspired by this vital new knowledge and awareness, I couldn’t help wishing the rest of the world would catch up. But I’m still waiting while most parents are doing the things I once did or might have done, like:

1. Making things disappear: which is a great way to teach babies that the world is even more mysterious and incomprehensible than they’d thought. Seriously, what’s the point of even trying to figure this stuff out?

2. Scooping babies up and swooping them away from unwanted activities: which makes babies feel powerless because life is something that happens to them. They learn that they may be interrupted at any time, so why bother getting involved in any learning activity? (And for babies, everything is a learning activity).

3. Slapping or “flicking” hands or wrists or spanking bottoms: which causes babies to fear, or at best lose trust in their parents, caregivers, and the universe as a whole, because when they are happily exploring as they should, they are suddenly interrupted by discomfort inflicted upon them by the people they need to trust most.

4. Talking to them caveman style or in third person, i.e., “Not for Susie, no hands”: which is confusing, demeaning and makes babies feel like we think they are mindless ninnies, because they’ve been listening to every word we’ve ever uttered and are well aware that we don’t talk to anyone else that way.

No hands? What do you think “no hands” means to a baby?  That even confuses me.

5. Calling out their names and then directing their attention to something else (distraction): which discourages awareness, attentiveness and an honest connection with us, teaches children nothing about rules, expectations or boundaries, their environment, or anything except that we are deceptive, far more powerful than they are (which they already knew) and that they should look where we want them to look.

6. Shouting NOOOOO: which is a great way to startle/disturb/excite babies so that they feel compelled to continuously repeat the unwanted action in order to continue this thrilling game or figure out what all the fuss is about.

And yet our best responses are so simple and logical that they will become second nature almost immediately. Let’s say our baby is approaching an unprotected electrical socket:

a. Stay calm – walk or stride rather than run and scream

b. Acknowledge matter-of-factly: “I see you are interested in the socket”

c. Give a boundary: “I’m going to cover it with my hand”

d. Give a brief, respectful explanation: “This isn’t safe for you to touch”

e. Wait patiently for your child to accept the boundary or lose interest while holding the boundary

 f.  If your child persists (most of the time if you are calm, she won’t), continue to acknowledge: “you really wanted to check that out, but it isn’t safe, so my hand covers it. You’re trying to move my hand, but I’m going to keep it here and keep you safe.”  If she cries, you might say, “You didn’t like that. Do you want me to pick you up?” Chances are she is tired or hungry along with wanting to be held.

When we employ these respectful practices our children will:

• Learn our language and about their world
• Be encouraged to continue being curious explorers and active, engaged learners.
• Feel respected and connected to us.

And we will discover how much easier, more effective, rewarding and liberating parenting is when we simply get real with our babies.

(Photo by dadblunders on Flickr)