It is in the depths of your life

that you will discover the invisible necessity

that has brought you here.

When you begin to decipher this,

your gift and giftedness come alive.

Your heart quickens and the urgency of living

rekindles your creativity.

—John O’Donohue

I wanted to follow my bliss, I really did.

For many years, I had told myself that I was ready to charge ahead, travel new pathways, set out on a hero’s journey.

Or at least I would have been ready if only I had had some idea of what my bliss was and where to find it.

I guess I was waiting to be told where to go and what I was supposed to do once I arrived there. To have the way laid out in front of me so that I could see where it was going before I took the first step.

In this way, I wouldn’t have to confront my fears and deal with the scary messiness of uncertainty that lay ahead if I were to leave my known world behind and set out in a completely new direction. So my fears continued to control my life and build walls around me, creating barriers that kept me “safe and secure,” even if they were beginning to feel more like a prison. Because the mere thought of making a fundamental change created sheer terror in me, I stayed stuck in one place, dug my heels in, and refused to consider new possibilities. Continuously replaying the same stories over and over in my mind, I told myself:

“You’re stuck where you are and might as well get used to it. In fact, your life is wonderful in many ways and things could be a lot worse. So stop complaining.”

Double Vision

And then one morning I awoke with double vision. The blurriness made it hard for me to see either up close or far away. It made me feel dizzy and kept me from being able to focus on what was in front of me.

But did I pay attention to this message from my wise body-soul? Did I understand it? Make changes in my thoughts and life? Did I ask myself, “What am I refusing to see?”

No.

The blurred vision eventually improved, and my life continued in a fixed, repetitive pattern that seemed to have lost some of its softness and fluidity.

My experience has been that when we are stuck and refuse to listen, our body has to get our attention in whatever way it can. So a few years later it tried again. One night my ankle just gave out and I collapsed on the floor. The next morning I awoke numb from the waist down.

I have since come to understand that my clever body was reflecting the emotions I had been stuffing down inside of me for so many years. Not feeling supported. Not trusting myself. Numbing myself so I couldn’t feel what I really needed. Hiding.

This time my body finally got my attention. I cautiously, slowly, timidly began to make a few changes in my life. They gradually grew bigger and bigger until they began to snowball. Finally, one day I made the biggest decision of all: to leave my companion of 25 years in Italy and move back to the US alone.

In the days and weeks that followed, I began to focus on my body. To really see and hear what it was trying to tell me.

Giftedness Coming Alive

Because I was finally willing to listen, my wonderful, beautiful, magnificent body began to communicate with me. One day, while in an altered state of consciousness during a healing session, I became aware of a symbolic image in my mind’s eye: a fetus curled into a ball, full of fear and hiding from the world.

As the healing sessions continued over the next year, I received many additional images that told stories of sadness, resistance and stuckness, as well as stories of joy, beauty and spirit.

For the first time in my life my essential creativity began to awaken. I was guided to draw each of these images using pastels and acrylics. Eventually, they turned into a series of drawings that told the story of my healing journey.

Because I couldn’t see where the mysterious path ahead of me was leading, I had to learn to let go and trust in the process. To trust in myself. In my body-soul’s guidance and the journey upon which it was leading me.

One day it dawned on me that—amazingly—I had achieved the boon of the hero’s journey. In my hands, I held the physical proof: 64 images in the form of individual giclee prints and an entire set of images in the form of a set of cards.

Now I realize that following my bliss has led to the emergence of many new talents I didn’t even know I had. My gifts and giftedness have come alive in a beautiful, glorious flow of creativity and inspiration.

Your body is your clay home; your body is the only home that you have in this universe.

It is in and through your body that your soul becomes visible and real for you.

Your body is the home of your soul on earth.

                                                                                    —John O’Donohue

I’ve spent most of my life searching for a place where I feel at home.

To me, the word “home” evokes feelings of warmth and peace. It is a place of beauty and creativity where I feel safe and supported, where my needs are met, and where I can rest and relax. From this home base I can go out into the world and joyfully interact with others, knowing that there is always a nurturing, peaceful, light-filled sanctuary to return to.

This need for home led me to journey from Montana, where I grew up, to Seattle, and then to Rome, Italy. I came the closest to feeling at home in Rome—almost, but not quite. This is why I stayed there for 26 years and why it was so difficult to leave.

But my deep longing for home continued calling to me.

I think that this is true for many of us. We spend much of our lives searching for “home,” for a place where we feel happy, appreciated, safe and loved. We constantly seek outside of ourselves trying to fulfill these needs, thinking that if only we can find our soul mates, get the perfect job, make enough money, or buy our dream house we will finally be content. But when our lovers, careers and lives don’t measure up to the expectations and demands we place upon them, we are plunged into frustration and despair.

This was certainly true for me. My need to feel at home led me to search continuously OUTSIDE of myself. I always thought that I would find my home in a physical location somewhere in the world, and that this would lead me to the perfect relationship and I would finally be happy.

Home is where the heart is

Now that I’ve returned to the US, to Portland, Oregon, do I feel at home? No, not really.

But I’ve begun to realize it doesn’t matter.

I am learning to feel at home wherever I go because I now understand I have a portable home that travels lightly with me: my body. Delicate yet infinitely strong, it contains all of the essentials I need to survive and thrive.

I have learned that the exquisite, subtle energies that course through my body are in essence pure spirit, which is constructed of light, love, joy and happiness. I have also learned that I can connect with the Divine in the innermost sanctuary of my home: my heart.

Like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, I always had the power to go home, I just didn’t know it.

I’ve discovered that when I turn within and breathe deeply into my heart, my energies begin to open, soften and expand. I don’t always manage to find this sanctuary: in fact I often forget and lose my way. When I do, I feel unhappy and discontented. But now at least I know this place exists. To find it again, I simply have to come home.

Illness is a blockage of slowness somewhere in the body-mind-spirit system. Health occurs when there is a state of unhindered movement or flow.

—Shannon McRae

emotions = e-motion, or energy in motion

For anyone faced with a chronic disease, understanding our emotions is vitally important. This is because emotions are a fundamental form of energy. When we simply notice our feelings (especially the negative ones) and allow them to move freely through us—without trying to deny or reject them—we remain in balance.

When we deny, reject or ignore our feelings, however, problems begin. Rejected emotions stay stuck within us. Over time, they create masses of blocked energy that gradually begin to interrupt our body’s basic energetic processes, creating even more stress.

Sometimes the only way our bodies can get our attention is by creating physical disturbances that force us to slow down and listen to what they actually need from us. When we do, we often discover that our bodies are tired of having to deal with the emotional junk clogging up their energy pathways. They are crying out for us to take responsibility and consciously clear away the debris so they can once again create health instead of disease.

Accessing Buried Emotions

I think that most of us who develop a chronic disease have been ignoring our emotions for many years. From the beginning of my journey into healing MS, I knew that deeply buried emotions lay behind most of my physical symptoms. I understood that in order to heal, I would have to learn to consciously acknowledge my feelings and express them. Unfortunately many of these emotions were hidden from my conscious mind and were, therefore, challenging to discover.

Especially since I have had a life-long pattern of hiding what I really feel.

I think this is a problem for many, not only those of us who have a chronic disease. From childhood we are told “you aren’t supposed to feel that way. . . your feelings don’t matter . . . your feelings aren’t important.” So we learn to bury them until we no longer know what they are.

I know I certainly did.

Coming Home

Once I developed symptoms of MS, I began to search for some way, method or person that could help me connect with the feelings locked inside my body. This search led me to literally “come home” by returning to the U.S. after 26 years in Italy.

More importantly, however, I discovered that my journey was about metaphorically coming home to myself. And it is this that has been the most fundamental and life-transforming change of all.

I’ve learned that what we often think of as a negative (such as a major illness) is actually a huge gift that challenges us to our depths. As we become conscious of our stored emotions and begin to release them, energy begins to flow again. In the process, our hearts open and our lives are transformed.

We all know that eating a healthy diet is fundamental to maintaining health. Our bodies can heal from just about anything if we give them the nutrients they need and stop eating the ones that are harmful.

So if we are suddenly faced with MS or any other chronic disease, the first—and most important—step should be to become aware of what we are eating.

There are two things I’m sure of:

1. Big Macs, cokes, junk food, and sugary deserts aren’t providing the nutrition our bodies need to heal.
2. We all need to eat more organic, locally grown vegetables such as kale, cabbage, broccoli and cauliflower.

My dietary journey

I’m a researcher, not a nutritionist, but I’ve always been interested in preparing and eating healthy foods and have experimented with many different diets over the years.

I grew up on a ranch in Montana where we raised our own organic, grass-fed Hereford cattle. My mother essentially fed us a “Paleolithic” diet, with lots of fresh vegetables, fruit and meat, but few starches. (Although of course no one called it that then, it was just a normal diet to us.)

As a young adult I spent 10 years following a vegetarian diet. I carefully combined grains and rice with vegetables and ate eggs, some cheese and occasional fish for protein. Along with most of my vegetarian friends, I experienced digestive issues, weight gain and mood swings.

I arrived in Rome at the age of 29 and spent the next 26 years eating the classic Mediterranean diet. This included pasta, bread and rice, lots of vegetables and fruits, small quantities of meat/lamb/chicken/fish, olive oil, and of course red wine. On this diet my energy levels greatly improved, as did my mood swings and digestion.

Unfortunately my healthy diet didn’t keep me from suddenly developing the symptoms of MS. After this diagnosis, my research into diet and healing became much more intense and personal. Fortunately, I had access to Google by then!

The Kousmine Diet

The first dietary approach to healing MS that I discovered was called the Kousmine Diet. Dr. Catherine Kousmine (1904-1992) was born in Russia, but emigrated with her family to Switzerland in 1918. She became a physician and dedicated her life to researching ways to treat MS and cancer through dietary approaches. (Dr. Kousmine’s many books are published in French, Italian, Spanish and German, but not in English.)

The Kousmine Diet is the main alternative diet for treating MS in Italy. Essentially it recommends eating very small quantities of saturated fats. Therefore, fish and chicken breasts are allowed, but beef is not. It uses raw, organic sunflower oil and lots of organic whole grains, including some organic whole wheat. Breakfast consists of Budwig Cream, a mixture of freshly ground cereals, flax, sunflower seeds, fruit, cold pressed sunflower or flaxseed oil, and cottage cheese or yogurt.

The Kousmine diet recommends organic vegetables and fruits but avoids all processed food, white sugar, and refined flours. I followed this diet for a year, even making my own bread with flour I ground at home from various organic whole grains.

Many people have reported increased health by following this diet; in fact, the first two people I met who had cured their MS symptoms used this approach to heal themselves. For me, however, the diet did not precipitate any particular changes in my symptoms–other than that I felt rather bloated from all of the grains.

The Swank Diet

I next discovered the Swank diet. Dr Roy Swank (1909-2008) lived in Portland, Oregon, and was a contemporary of Dr. Kousmine. His diet is very similar to Kousmine’s: an emphasis on very low saturated fats, almost no red meat, and no processed foods. It doesn’t restrict either dairy (if it is 1% or less butterfat) or gluten grains.

Dr. Swank followed 150 MS patients on his diet for 34 years. Almost none of the people who remained on the diet deteriorated significantly. You can read more about the Swank MS Foundation at www.swankmsdiet.org.

Back to the Paleolithic Diet

My ongoing research next led me to the concept of “Paleolithic” diets, meaning the kind of food that our hunter-gatherer ancestors would have eaten. This includes meat, vegetables and fruit; it does not include any grains, dairy, refined products or sugar. Two versions of this approach include The Best Bet Diet and Terry Wahl’s Diet.

The Best Bet Diet

I discovered The Best Bet Diet online. It was created by Dr. Ashton Embry, PHD, a research scientist in Calgary, Canada. In 1995 his son was diagnosed with MS and in an effort to help him heal, Dr. Embry began conducting extensive research into what nutritional factors affect the MS disease process. I highly recommend visiting his website (www.direct-MS.org) because it is full of useful information and research on ways to treat MS.

The key elements of this diet are: Avoid all dairy, grains, legumes, eggs, yeast, red meat, sugar, and margarine. Eat fish and skinless chicken and turkey breasts for protein, plus fruits and vegetables, olive oil and unrefined sunflower oil.

Many people have been healed by following this diet, including Ashton’s son.

Soon after returning to Portland in 2006, I began seriously following these recommendations and eliminated all dairy, sugar, and grains from my diet. Over time, many of my symptoms have improved, such as problems with my vision and cold feet. Other symptoms, however, have not improved, such as a weak right ankle and semi-numbness in my legs. But my energy levels are normal, and I have no pain.

The Terry Wahls Diet

In 2003 Terry Wahls, MD, was diagnosed with secondary progressive MS. Her health deteriorated rapidly and for four years she was confined to a tilt-recline wheelchair. Terry began conducting intensive research into what our cells and mitochondria need to function; her discoveries led her to make major changes in her diet. Within 18 months, she was not only able to walk again, but to ride her bicycle 5 miles every day.

The Wahls diet eliminates all grains, dairy, processed foods and sugar. It includes grass-fed organic meats, wild game, chicken, fish, eggs and organ meats.

Most important, this diet emphasizes large quantities of vegetables, including daily consumption of 3 cups of dark, leafy greens, 3 cups of cruciferous vegetables and 3 cups of other colorful vegetables. It also includes daily consumption of berries and other fruits, plus seeds and nuts.

Dr. Wahls’ website is: www.terrywahls.com. and her book about her healing journey is: Minding My Mitochondria: How I overcame secondary progressive multiple sclerosis (MS) and got out of my wheelchair.

To watch a video of Dr. Wahls talking about how she healed from severe MS symptoms, go to http://bit.ly/GZA5yS.

Dr Wahls’ dietary recommendations are healing not only those with MS, but with many other chronic diseases as well.

Which diet is correct?

There is no easy answer to this question. Each of us has individual requirements, needs certain nutrients at certain times, and has different food sensitivities and allergies. The best we can do is try different approaches and see what works for us personally. How does a particular food make us feel? Does it increase or decrease our energies?

In my case, avoiding grains, dairy and sugar and adding lots more kale and other greens to my diet has made a huge difference in how I feel. An additional incentive to eating this way is that it has been easy to maintain my weight!

Credits

I’d like to thank Alissa Segersten at Whole Life Nutrition for letting me use her beautiful picture of baby kale at the beginning of this blog. Alissa also has a delightful food blog at www.nourishingmeals.com that has lots of very tasty and healthy recipes that are all gluten free.

One morning in June 2002, I suddenly woke up numb from the waist down. After undergoing many tests, my neurologist informed me that I had numerous lesions on my brain and spinal cord that indicated Multiple Sclerosis.

After recovering slightly from the shock of literally having the ground pulled from under my feet, I decided to look for alternative ways to heal. I didn’t know how that would be accomplished but something within me believed it was possible. I began conducting intensive research and discovered that MANY people have healed themselves from MS by making profound dietary, mental, emotional and spiritual changes in their lives.

Since the initial diagnosis, my desire to heal has led me down many pathways and resulted in some major life changes. One of these was the decision to return to the United States (Portland, Oregon) after having lived in Rome, Italy, for 26 years.

I soon made major changes in my diet eliminating most grains, dairy, and sugar. I began to exercise at a gym three days a week and to receive regular acupuncture treatments. All of which have greatly  improved many of my symptoms.

Developing Body Awareness: The Spirit Doorway Images

Because I knew it was important to become aware of the thoughts and emotions behind my symptoms, I was soon led to a woman trained in Rubenfeld Synergy. This is a type of therapy in which individuals focus on their body while they are in a relaxed, altered state of consciousness. During the very first session, I began to see images arising from deep within my body’s energy awareness, not my conscious mind. These images often contained many emotions and told many different stories. It was fascinating to watch what arose in each session, coming from different parts of my body.

The images were so compelling that I had an overwhelming urge to draw them as soon as I returned home, using pastels and acrylics. In the process of depicting the images, I began to hear various names that each one wanted to be called.

I continued having Rubenfeld sessions for a year (2007-2008). During each session, I received from two to five new images arising from my body’s inner awareness. Later, images also began to arise in dreams and while meditating.

Finally after a year, I intuitively received the message that the work was complete and that it was now time to learn more about what I had been given. By then I had 64 images.

I was told in a dream to name the set of cards Spirit Doorways.

I have spent the last four years seeking to understand the spiritual and healing messages contained within each image. I’ve had them printed as a set of cards and individually as giclee prints. The framed prints seem to activate the energy wherever they are placed in a room. I have also meditated with the images daily, taken voluminous notes, and shared them with family and friends around the world.

My Healing Journey Today

This Art of Healing journey has been both amazing and frustrating. I have been led (blindly at times) to take one step after another, often having no idea where I was going or what the purpose of it all was. Sometimes I’ve felt lost and confused but more often I’ve experienced sudden clarity and joy. Joy in feeling my energies opening and beginning to flow more freely. And above all, joy in expressing my creativity and awakening new talents and abilities that I never knew that I had.

Today certain of my physical symptoms have disappeared such as problems with my eyesight and cold feet. Others continue to challenge me such as the dropped foot and numbness in my legs. So there is still more to do on my healing journey but I feel really good about the great strides that have already been made.

The Gift of MS

At heart, though, MS is one of the most valuable gifts I have ever been given. Dealing with its many challenges has forced me to make needed changes that I otherwise never would have made. Changing the energies within my body through meditation and body energy awareness techniques has awakened many new talents (most recently I have begun to design and make beautiful beaded necklaces and earrings), and opened the door to many new possibilities. Above all, it has deepened my connection with Spirit and begun to free the Divine within me.

My intention for this blog is to share my story with you, to share what I am experiencing and learning on this Art of Healing journey. Hopefully, my story will connect with and inspire you. I would love to hear your story in return.