Janie Lacy

Teen Sex Addiction: Porn, Hook-Ups & Secrets

noreply@blogger.com (Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC) — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 15:42:00 +0000

Today, the curiosity about sexuality, which is normal for teenagers, can take a different turn if not navigated in a healthy way. The Internet and cable television have ushered in an age of unparalleled access to hardcore pornographic images and teenagers are jumping in with both feet.

According to Patrick Carnes, recognized as the leading expert in the field of sexual addiction, the largest consumer of Internet porn is the 12 – 17 year old age group, while the average age for 1st contact with Internet porn is approximately 11 years of age. Dr. Al Cooper, Author of Sex and the Internet: a Guidebook for Clinicians, calls the Internet the triple engine because of its access, affordability and anonymity, which has become the super fix for a new breed of addicts.

Are teenagers just exploring their newfound sexuality or should we take a closer look to the possibly of a developing addiction? Recent buzz surrounds MTV’s new controversial teen drama show Skins, based on the popular British show of the same name, which follows a group of nine friends (involving actors as young as 15) navigating the often-tumultuous world of high school; sex, drugs and trouble included. The network is planning to air 10 episodes despite receiving criticisms from different sources that it is borderline child pornography. Our culture has gone astray and continues to push the envelope without really thinking through the long-term effects of how it will affect the teen population.

When treating sexual addiction in adults, clinicians often find that the addictive patterns began in adolescence and progressed into other forms in adulthood. This is why it would be irresponsible and unwise for us to ignore the fact that our culture is handing teenagers loaded weapons of social and personal self-destruction. Let’s take a look at some of the criteria for teen sex addiction.

What is the criterion of teen sex addiction?

1. Loss of Control – clearly the sexual behavior is which the person does more than they intended or wanted to do

2. Compulsive Sexual Behavior – a pattern of out of control behavior over time

3. Efforts to Stop – Repeated specific attempts to stop the sexual behavior, which failed

4. Loss of Time – Significant amounts of time lost doing and/or recovering from the sexual behavior

5. Preoccupation – Obsessing about or because of the sexual behavior

6. Inability to Fulfill Obligations – the sexual behavior interferes with school, family and friends

7. Continuation Despite Consequences – Failure to stop the sexual behaviors even though you have problems because of it (social, legal, financial, physical, work.)

8. Escalation – need to make the sexual behavior more intense, more frequent, or more risky.

9. Losses – Losing, limiting, or sacrificing valued parts of life such as hobbies, family, relationships, and work

10. Withdrawal – stopping sexual behavior causes considerable distress, anxiety, restlessness, irritability or physical discomfort

If you or someone you know fits the criteria above when it comes to sexual behavior, including pornography viewing and compulsive masturbation, there are specially trained clinicians called Certified Sex Addiction Therapists, who can help get life back to normal and help put protective measures in place for the future.

NOTE: You can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the author's contact information below intact.

About the Author: Relationship Expert, Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC, CSAT Candidate offers expert advice to Local and National TV News, Relationship Websites and provides phone or face-to-face counseling in the Orlando area. Janie has a relational approach and a unique ability to connect with individuals. Drawing upon her broad range of experience in private practice, not-for-profit organizations, hospitality and the medical industry, she has helped countless people in many arenas of life. She offers keen insight on all aspects of relationships – family, marriage, parenting, dating, and personal growth. Connect with Janie on Facebook or Twitter.

5 Ways to Achieve Your New Year's Goals!

noreply@blogger.com (Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC) — Sun, 02 Jan 2011 02:42:00 +0000

It is that time of year again when we reflect on the past year, think about what we wish we would have done differently, remember those accomplishments that went well and ponder the ever, elusive New Year’s goals! Is this one of those myths that will just always elude us or can we really follow through and make them happen? If you are like me, although they do seem elusive, I am determined this year to do it differently, to find a way to not give up, to finally turn it from a goal into a success story! I know, you must be thinking that I am just like everyone else this time of year! However, rather than just randomly throwing out the idea of working out more, staying on a budget, finding more time for family or the countless other goals, this year, let’s look at five ways that will take this from frustration to elation and take control of our goals!

1. Write It Down & Be Specific:

The easy part is thinking of all the things that we want to do in the New Year! We are constantly being hit on TV, the Internet and the media with how we can improve ourselves. So often though, what seems so clear in our thinking one day seems to drift away with time. The first step then is to write it down and not just in general terms but with a specific plan. If you want to lose weight, write down specifically how much weight, what days you are going to work out, and how you are going to change your diet. If it is about finances, then find a course or seminar you can take to give you tools that are proven, set time aside to use these tools right now and use resources at your bank or online to help you save in an emergency fund so you have some cushion. If our goals just stay in our head or they are too general, they will disappear from the radar screen very fast. When we make it specific, we then feel like there is an actual way to make it happen!

2. Have Visual Reminders & Accountability:

Now that you have it written down, put it in places on 3x5 cards that will remind you of your plan. Some helpful places are the bathroom mirror, the refrigerator, dashboard of your car, or on your desk at work. By having these visual reminders, it will assist you in staying focused and on target. One other thing that can make a difference is sharing your goals and specific plan with a friend or family member that will hold you accountable. Now, it is not their job to make this goal a reality, but they can be there to encourage and challenge you along the way, especially when it seems too tough or you hit a time where you could get distracted. Keep in mind, this will be someone that you are empowering with personal goals in your life, so be willing to listen, ensure that they will be consistent and offer to be there for them as well so it is mutual accountability!

3. Create a New Path:

We got where we are in life because we took specific steps. Sometimes it is hard to see that in the moment, but when we look back, we can see where we got off course and how we ended up where we are. Now, the plan is to create that new path that will lead to where you want to go! We use our GPS all the time to get us to all our activities, why not use that same method to get us to our New Year’s goals? If I want to see my marriage improve, what path can I take for that to happen? How about dating again, finding those things that you did when you were pursuing each other and do them all over again…love notes, special dates, sunsets, etc.! If we stay on the same path we are on now, we will end up with the same results! Whatever you are trying to accomplish, put down three specific things you are willing to do and then walk down that path for 90 days and see what a huge difference there is!

4. Schedule Check-in Dates:

Ok, you have your specific plan, you found accountability partners, and you have written it down and put it where you can see it so you are on your new path! Now it is time to schedule “check-in” dates so you can measure your accomplishments and possibly readjust your plan. At first, you may want them to be every few weeks so you stay focused and don’t get discouraged. Then maybe they can be monthly so you build consistency. If we don’t have these check-ins, it will be too easy to give up or lose focus. Do these with your accountability partner, write down your progress and also any changes that you want to make and then set up your next check-in date and you will be amazed at your progress and how you stick to your goals!

5. CELEBRATE!

It does not matter how small the accomplishment is, be sure to take time to CELEBRATE your steps and accomplishments! This does not mean if you lose three pounds to go out and have an ice cream sundae, but maybe you give yourself a small treat. Too often, we focus on the negative and get down on ourselves and we forget to enjoy and make it fun! One more thing, plan something big for when you hit your goal! This will give you something to look forward to. By having small celebrations along the way and then a bigger one down the road, you will keep yourself in a positive frame of mind and making big deals out of your successes!

With a new year come new opportunities and new goals that can impact your life for years to come! We have a choice of continuing to do things as we have or we can be intentional about doing this year differently! Take the challenge! Follow these 5 steps with your New Year’s goals and see what a difference it will make! You will love it 6 months from now when you are able to share your successes with your friends and family, be an encouragement to them and feel so much better about the path you have created for yourself!

NOTE: You can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the author's contact information below intact.

About the Author: Relationship Expert, Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC offers expert advice to Local and National TV News, Relationship Websites and provides phone or face-to-face counseling in the Orlando area. Janie has a relational approach and a unique ability to connect with individuals. Drawing upon her broad range of experience in private practice, not-for-profit organizations, hospitality and the medical industry, she has helped countless people in many arenas of life. She offers keen insight on all aspects of relationships – family, marriage, parenting, dating, and personal growth. Connect with Janie on Facebook or Twitter.

5 Tips: Talking To Your Kids About Infidelity

noreply@blogger.com (Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC) — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 07:00:00 +0000

Tiger Woods recent confession and discussion about his treatment has drawn attention to the effects of infidelity on the entire family. Unfortunately, Tiger is not alone, couples every year are faced with how to talk to their kids about infidelity. How much do you tell them? How should the hurt parent express their feelings about the indiscretions? Should the kids be told at all?

It is one of the most difficult things to endure when you find out that your spouse has been unfaithful. If you're the one that has cheated, you probably realize the amount of pain that has been inflicted on your spouse. What you may not comprehend is the pain that your child can feel because of infidelity. This is a crucial time for your children. It will either be an opportunity to open the doors for healing or create an even more hurtful situation depending on how it is handled.

The following are five tips to keep in mind when having that family meeting to tell the kids what has happened:

1. You want to keep in mind that your kid’s belief of who their parent was can be shattered when they find out about the betrayal. Therefore, keep away from emotional, hurtful conversations that paint the betrayer as a bad person in front of the kids.

2. It is most effective to have both parents present while telling the kids (age appropriate) what has happened so that the betrayed parent can demonstrate strength and resiliency to prevent the kid(s) from fiercely going into protective mode of the hurt parent.

3. The hurt parent will need to be careful to not shed the betrayer in a bad light in front of the kids so that the kids do not feel that they are being disloyal to the hurt parent if they forgive that parent.

4. Remember the kids may potentially take it personally, so the parent who did the betraying must be available to respond to their kid’s comments in a non-defensive manner and without making excuses or trying to justify their behavior.

5. It is recommended that the parent who has been betrayed show that they are not defeated and can take care of themselves. This is setting an example for the kids as to what to do when they are betrayed or hurt.

It is important to remember that when an infidelity is exposed, it not only affects the betrayed person but all the family members along with friends of the couple. When the couple is open, especially with their children, it can help begin a healthy healing process for them.

NOTE: You can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the author's contact information below intact.

About the Author: Relationship Expert, Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC offers expert advice to Local and National TV News, Relationship Websites and provides phone or face-to-face counseling in the Orlando area. Janie has a relational approach and a unique ability to connect with individuals. Drawing upon her broad range of experience in private practice, not-for-profit organizations, hospitality and the medical industry, she has helped countless people in many arenas of life. She offers keen insight on all aspects of relationships – family, marriage, parenting, dating, and personal growth. Connect with Janie on Facebook or Twitter.

Three Things You Need to Know If You Are Married Sleeping Apart

noreply@blogger.com (Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC) — Sat, 27 Nov 2010 20:00:00 +0000

Did you know that more than 23 percent of married Americans sleep alone according to the National Sleep Foundation? The reason that couples reported that they sleep separately was because of snoring, restless leg syndrome, pregnancy, and different work schedules, but is it a good idea? According to the National Association of Home Builders, there's been a steady increase in the number of requests for "two-master bedroom" homes since 1990, prompting the organization to predict that by 2015, 60 percent of all custom upscale homes will be built with two "owner suites."

Below are three things you should consider if you and your spouse have separate rooms:

1. IS THIS BRINGING US CLOSER TOGETHER OR FARTHER APART?

Couples need to consider if medical conditions are keeping them from snuggling at night, many of the cited medical reasons can be successfully treated. If couples continue to sleep apart and do not address the reasons behind it, it can spell trouble for the marriage. Sleeping together is a very important part of being integrated together.

2. IS THERE A LACK OF PASSION AS A RESULT?

If the couple determines that sleeping apart is what is best for the relationship, it is very important that there is continual building of emotional and physical intimacy. It is recommended that couples schedule time to just talk and stay updated on each other’s lives, especially on what the other is feeling. The couple can have fun with scheduling “physical appointments” with each other.

3. WERE THERE OTHER UNDERLYING PROBLEMS IN THE MARRIAGE BEFORE THE TOPIC OF SLEEPING APART CAME UP?

Some couples may have some unresolved challenges in the relationship and sleeping apart can be an excuse for one partner to leave the bedroom for some other reason given. Couples need to deal with any issues before one leaves the bedroom, whether they are already sleeping separately or planning on doing so.

There are a number of legitimate reasons for couples deciding to sleep separately. Couples want to be cautious and be aware of the physical separation not causing emotional or intimate separation. Couples want to be intentional about addressing their concerns and feelings including finding a way to stay connected in the same bedroom or at least avoid becoming distant if they decide to sleep separately.

NOTE: You can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the author's contact information below intact

Five Healthy Couple Conversations

noreply@blogger.com (Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC) — Fri, 19 Nov 2010 17:00:00 +0000

When I counsel couples that are not married yet, I often probe about their past and current conversations. If a couple responds, “We have not discussed that yet”, it reveals one of the contributing factors as to why they are in my office.

A recent study published in Psychological Science says that people are happier when they spend more time discussing meaningful topics than engaging in small talk.

Whether you or someone you know is in a relationship, the following conversations are important to you for a healthy and happy relationship.

1. Childhood Experiences: Our childhood is the template for which the rest of our life is built, so it is important to know how your partner has experienced that time frame in their life. It could also explain their outlook on life, how they have learned to operate in relationships and what were the major contributing factors to their character.

2. Fears and Insecurities: Everyone has them, but many do not realize just how powerful these emotions are in their life. What worries them? What are the things that make them lose sleep at night? What are the things that they want to improve about themselves? What do they struggle with on a daily basis? It is important to know that this conversation creates great vulnerability, so how you respond to each other is also a tell tale sign of how you will handle their feelings in the future. You want to be empathetic and gentle, just like you would want your partner to respond to you.

3. Past Relationships: Most people do not feel comfortable talking about the depths of their past relationships nor do many individuals like to hear about their partner’s past relationships. However, there is some important information that you can learn about what your partner may struggle with as a result of past experiences with others. Again, you want to be careful of how you respond to your partner and also to not share too many details that may make your partner feel uncomfortable.

4. Family Life: What does your partner’s current relationship look like with their parents? Do they have adult to adult conversations or do their parents still treat them like a child? Do they still try to please their parents? Can they say no to mom? How do they handle family functions? This will give you some powerful insight to your partner’s family relationships and their belief system about family life.

5. Political Viewpoints: Everyone has heard of the advice to stay away from conversations that deal with religion and politics in the workplace. Well, you want to do the reverse in your dating relationship. You want to practice respecting the other’s viewpoint, but you want to ask questions with the intention of learning their personal philosophy.

In your relationship, what you discuss with your partner will reveal the health of your relationship and more importantly if you can accept your partner for who they are right now. The reality is most people operate in their dating relationship based on the “ideal” of the person rather than the “reality” of the person. You have to be able to accept the person for who they are right now and be able to navigate through the above conversations to move toward being a healthy and happy couple.

NOTE: You can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the author's contact information below intact.

4 Tips to Thrive Through the Holidays

noreply@blogger.com (Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC) — Mon, 15 Nov 2010 20:00:00 +0000

If you are like most people, when you see the holiday displays around Halloween, you ask yourself, is it that time already? Holidays can be met with mixed emotions, the joy of the season and the feelings of being overwhelmed. How would you like to not only survive the holidays but also actually enjoy them this year? By following the 4 practical tips below, you will be well on your way!

1. Lower your expectations. Much of the frustration people experience from the holidays is setting their expectations too high. They expect too much from friends or family, and when they don’t get what they want, they get frustrated.

2. Take time for yourself. Be sure that no matter how busy you get, that you take time for yourself. Many people rush through the holidays with their to do list. Take a long walk, listen to some holiday music or enjoy a long bath to give yourself some much-needed relaxation time.

3. Stay out of debt. Debt steals people’s enjoyment through the holidays knowing that when the holidays are over; they still have to pay for it. Make a list ahead of time, set spending limits within your budget and remember, your PRESENCE with your family is more important than your PRESENTS.

4. Enjoy what you can. Go with an attitude of knowing that things will be what they will be. You can’t control other people or their actions. Try to embrace their uniqueness and make fun memories.

When the New Year has arrived, what will be those holiday memories? Will you be glad it is over or will you reflect on the joyous occasion? You can be proactive starting now! Happy Holidays!

NOTE: You can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the author's contact information below intact.

About the Author: Relationship Expert, Janie Lacy, MS offers expert advice to Local and National TV News, Relationship Websites and provides phone or face-to-face counseling in the Orlando area. Janie has a relational approach and a unique ability to connect with individuals. Drawing upon her broad range of experience in private practice, not-for-profit organizations, hospitality and the medical industry, she has helped countless people in many arenas of life. She offers keen insight on all aspects of relationships – family, marriage, parenting, dating, and personal growth. Connect with Janie on Facebook or Twitter.

Four Conversations That Can Make or Break Your Dating Relationship

noreply@blogger.com (Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC) — Fri, 05 Nov 2010 16:00:00 +0000

Are you or someone you know in a dating relationship? Are you confused as to what conversations can harm vs. help your relationship? There are conversations that you want to precede with caution when you have them with your boyfriend/girlfriend.

I believe as a “general rule of thumb” that couples should not keep secrets in their relationship. However, in saying that, there are also some things that are not relevant to the current relationship and can bring harm to the relationship more than benefit it.

These Top Four Areas Can Make Or Break Your Relationship

1. Past Hook-Ups

In your dating relationship, it is necessary to know approximately how many sexual partners your partner has had in the past. You can get insight early in the relationship to the challenges that may occur in the long-term as a result of earlier sexual history. However, too much information can cause unnecessary harm to your dating relationship. You want to think twice before you divulge all the details of your past hook-ups, especially “what and where” details. This can bring hurt to the relationship if your partner feels that they cannot measure up or are made to feel insecure as a result of your past experiences.

2. Spending Habits

It is good to know generally what your boyfriend or girlfriend’s spending habits are before you invest too much into the relationship. The area of finances is in the top three major reasons for marital difficulties including divorce. In relationships, you want to have the same core spending values, however, it is not important to go into every detail of your spending habits early on in the relationship. After all, is it really important that you tell him how much you spent on those shoes after he compliments you wearing them?

3. His/Her Family

In your dating relationship, you want to be very careful what negative things you say about your partner’s family. You must remember they were there before you and will continue to be there after you. Besides, you can learn a lot about your partner by just observing his family interactions. Regardless if he or she appears very different from their family, they have been affected in some way by being a part of their family dynamics. Instead of making a critical comment, take the opportunity to learn more about how your partner feels about their family. Instead of saying, “ I can not believe your sister made that comment to your mom, she is a witch to do that,” how about, “what did you think of your sister’s comment to your mother?” Rule of thumb when dealing with your partner’s family: ASK QUESTIONS AS OPPOSED TO MAKING STATEMENTS.

4. Innocent Flirtations

The mere fact that the workplace is mixed with women and men working together, flirtation is bound to happen on one level or another. In saying that, your response is what is most important in the occurrence, not necessarily whether the flirtation occurred. It may not be necessary to run back to your partner to tell them about every person that flirts with you. However, if there are incidents that cross the line and make you feel uncomfortable, it is probably best to discuss it with your partner. Also, if you feel an attraction starting to develop, it is important to share this with your partner to bring it out in the open and defuse it. Remember, you may get flirted with especially in the workplace, so how you respond to it is your best defense.

When you follow the above simple guidelines in your conversations, there is an opportunity to build trust and engage in productive communication in your relationship rather than hitting potential land mines. Sooner or later, you will face each of these situations and how you handle them will determine the healthy or unhealthy development of the relationship. Remember to ask questions, but also be sensitive to how you would feel if these scenarios were brought to your attention. Lastly, be proactive by not providing details that will cause more harm than good to your relationship.

NOTE: You can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the author's contact information below intact.

5 Tips to Manage Your Marriage with Children

noreply@blogger.com (Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC) — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 19:00:00 +0000

Have you asked yourself the following questions: What is a healthy balance between couple time, kid time, and family time? Is it better to be kid focused or couple focused? Does it seem impossible to create a balance, to continue to build a strong marriage, while nurturing your kids?

Below you will find five things that will help you build your strong and happy family.

1) Fight Respectfully: It is normal to have disagreements in a marriage. Many times these disagreements can present themselves while the children are around. This is a good opportunity to demonstrate to our kids what conflict resolution skills look like in a healthy and respectful manner. When couples belittle each other and tear each other down in front of the kids, we demonstrate to them that we do not respect each other. They are more likely to mimic that same behavior towards you when they are in disagreement with you.

2) Remember the fun times: Usually after the kids enter into the dynamics, couples can easily get into a rut that can feel like a “routine.” Therefore, it is important that couples take time to remember what they did for fun before the kids arrived. They can recreate those moments for an ongoing connection with each other.

3) Share Responsibility: It is important that couples agree to share responsibility in the household duties. For example, you can take turns each night putting the kids to bed while the other one cleans up the kitchen. This will lessen the chance of one spouse getting resentful because they feel like they do a lot around the house and may not feel appreciated. It will also demonstrate to your kids what teamwork looks like at home. You can also have the kids share in this so they can be part of the team while learning responsibility.

4) Date Night: Some couples avoid scheduling a date night because the fear that it costs a lot of money, however, couples can be creative in being proactive to continue to date each other. You can take walks holding hands, you can sit in a park and watch the sunset or you can rent a movie and eat popcorn. The important part is not how much money you invest in date night but that you are still investing in each other.

5) Schedule Sex: This is one of the hardest things for my clients to hear, but it is the best advice to keep the physical intimacy part of the relationship a priority. Many couples say they want spontaneity, but how often is that interrupted by a headache or I am just not in the mood. This way you both know this is our night and you both can look forward to it. It also gives couples an opportunity to be creative with their night and it creates less anxiety for the couple (wondering when it is going to happen).

Remember how creative you were when you were dating and pursuing each other? This does not have to stop in marriage but it does take being intentional and creative. The results are not only incredible for the marriage but also give the kids a great role model and security in their home.

NOTE: You can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the author's contact information below intact.

About the Author: Relationship Expert, Janie Lacy, MS offers expert advice to Local and National TV News & Relationship Websites and provides phone, skype, or face-to-face counseling in the Orlando area. Janie has a relational approach and a unique ability to connect with individuals. Drawing upon her broad range of experience in private practice, not-for-profit organizations, hospitality and the medical industry, she has helped countless people in many arenas of life. She offers keen insight on all aspects of relationships – family, marriage, parenting, dating, and personal growth. Connect with Janie on Facebook or Twitter.

Four Things To Avoid In An Interracial Marriage

noreply@blogger.com (Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC) — Sun, 17 Oct 2010 19:00:00 +0000

Did you know that there are over 2.5 million interracial married couples in America today? Marriages between people of different races and cultures are now common in American society. Hollywood is even embracing and highlighting interracial marriages in movies and TV shows.

Interracial couples create unique challenges in many ways no different than traditional couples. Most of their dating experiences are wearing the same rose-colored glasses as same race couples. The challenge with interracial couples is respecting each other’s race and culture. If not, this can have a ripple effect to the extended family. Interracial couples will also need to understand different gender roles, extended family views and religion.

Below are four areas that can harm your interracial relationships:

1. Clashing values – When you come from different families of origin, you will make different assumptions about how a family works. These assumptions won’t always be compatible. However, this is the case in most marriages. In an interracial relationship, there’s a good chance that at least some of these challenges will be accented, especially if you choose to have children.

2. Comparisons – You and your partner bring unique differences to the marriage. These differences should be embraced and may likely be some of the most enriching parts of your lives. You want to discuss with your partner what you each consider most important in any traditions or cultural beliefs.

3. Racial offenses - You want to avoid making any remarks including those in a joking manner. You can also simply make this clear to those around you by telling them that you will avoid interactions with someone who continues to be negative regarding your marriage. Firmly tell the person you will not spend time with anyone who expresses racist views.

4. Prejudiced in-laws - Interracial couples sometimes experience rejection or stress from their own families. This may occur because of traditional beliefs that people should marry of the same cultural background. Regardless of whether this is an issue in your marriage, it's still important to remember to respect the beliefs and traditions of your partner's family.

Interracial relationships are much more common today. However, they can still bring unique challenges. Along with being aware of these four areas but also having sensitive and open communication, an interracial marriage can overcome the additional challenges. Yet it also offers plenty of opportunities for couples to learn from each other and to gain new perspectives on their lives and marriage.

NOTE: You can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the author's contact information below intact.

About the Author: Relationship Expert, Janie Lacy, MS, offers expert advice to Local and National TV News, Relationship Websites and provides phone or face-to-face counseling in the Orlando area. Janie has a relational approach and a unique ability to connect with individuals. Drawing upon her broad range of experience in private practice, not-for-profit organizations, hospitality and the medical industry, she has helped countless people in many arenas of life. She offers keen insight on all aspects of relationships – family, marriage, parenting, dating, and personal growth. Connect with Janie on Facebook or Twitter.

3 Ways FaceCrack (Facebook) Ruins Relationships

noreply@blogger.com (Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC) — Mon, 11 Oct 2010 00:40:00 +0000

Are you a part of this social-networking phenomenon? It has been described as addictive and “like crack.” I, myself, have joined Facebook in the last year. I got tired of “why aren’t you on Facebook?” Please don’t get me wrong, I love staying connected with family and friends through the network, however, I have several clients that have ruined the intimacy in their relationship by allowing Facebook to consume their time and energy more than their spouse.

According to a recent University of California, Los Angeles, report “the cost of Facebook could be the devaluing of real friendships and the reduction of face to face interactions.”

Let’s define Addiction in its simplest term: Anything that we use or turn to over and over to meet a legitimate need in an unhealthy way.

If you relate with the below, you could be a Facebook Addict!

1. You use Facebook as a distraction and it takes you into a fantasy world on some level. Facebook can give you the illusion that you have many friends and yet does not require personal contact face to face.

2. You are constantly thinking of what you could share with your online Facebook friends. Individuals now have the ability to update their status right from the phone. Anywhere and anytime! Do people really want to know what you just had for dinner?

3. You have no boundaries online that you would normally have if it were face to face interactions.

Online boundaries should be treated just like regular boundaries — even if those people are only a click away.

Consider the recent news headline in Flowery Branch, Georgia: Ojinnaka Accused of Fighting With Wife. Ok…What’s the big deal? We all fight with our spouses! The first line of the article posted on ESPN’s website’s news section: “Atlanta Falcons offensive lineman Quinn Ojinnaka is free on bond after being accused of fighting with his wife over his Facebook activity, police said Friday.” The article later describes, “Police said Ojinnaka’s wife confronted him about contact with a female friend on Facebook. Police said he tossed her down some stairs and threw her out of their house…"

Have a balance in your relationships. Make sure you are putting more time and effort into the relationships around you then your online relationships.

THREE ONLINE BOUNDARIES YOU NEED FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP

1 – Discuss with your spouse what friends are acceptable or not acceptable? What kind of personal information will you post?

2 – Choose your friends wisely. It can be exciting re-connecting with friends from the past. One question you want to ask yourself before hitting the accept button: “would my spouse be comfortable with me being ‘friends’ with this person?”

3 – Do Not Post negative things about your spouse. I have several couples mention this to me, that after they had a fight, one of them let their Facebook friends know about it. In the heat of the moment, avoid the temptation to blast your spouse or say something embarrassing about them through your status or wall postings.

NOTE: You can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the author's contact information below intact.

About the Author: Relationship Expert, Janie Lacy, MS offers expert advice to Local and National TV News & Relationship Websites and provides phone or face-to-face counseling in the Orlando area. Janie has a relational approach and a unique ability to connect with individuals. Drawing upon her broad range of experience in private practice, not-for-profit organizations, hospitality and the medical industry, she has helped countless people in many arenas of life. She offers keen insight on all aspects of relationships – family, marriage, parenting, dating, and personal growth. Connect with Janie on Facebook or Twitter.

THREE THINGS YOU MUST KNOW ABOUT SWINGING

noreply@blogger.com (Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC) — Sat, 31 Jul 2010 00:42:00 +0000

Have you and your partner considered the swinging lifestyle? Are you curious or want to spice up your sexual life? You may want to stop and consider these three things before you swing with other couples!

1) EMOTIONAL RISKS - There is a strong possibility that you or your spouse can start to develop feelings for a swinging partner. Will you then consider polyamory? That is the practice of having more than one loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all parties involved. Usually in the swinging lifestyle it also involves becoming friends with your partners. This opens the door for bonding to occur which can easily lead to emotional attachment.

2) JEALOUSY - What if you or your partner gets jealous? Many partners that participate in the swinging lifestyle have admitted to this at least once during their activities. You entered into the lifestyle wanting to have fun, what happens when it is no longer fun? It is important for you to know that jealousy is very common in the swinging lifestyle, so it is not a matter of IF someone will get jealous but WHEN they will get jealous.

3) DIVORCE OR BREAK UP - What happens when one partner wants to stop the sexual activity and the other wants to still engage? It is not that easy to just stop such activities just because the other wants to call it quits. Relationships are already under stress and strain without adding other people to the equation. Swinging will not solve any satisfaction in your relationship. In fact, chances are pretty high that it will make it worse in the long run.

There are other risks like STDs and breaking the rules “within the rules.” Is it really worth it? You want to consider what are our goals for our relationship and how can we accomplish it without all the risks? Besides individuals can rarely divorce sex from relationship in the long-term. Whether we want to admit to it or not, when we have sex it establishes an emotional bond that is very difficult to ignore. When we add other multiple partners, it almost always leads to confusion and hurt feelings.

About the Author: Relationship Expert, Janie Lacy, LMHC offers expert advice to Local and National TV News, Relationship Websites and provides phone, skype or face-to-face counseling in the Orlando area. Janie has a passion to reach out and help people grow and mature through difficult life situations. She has a relational approach and a unique ability to connect with individuals. Drawing upon her broad range of experience in private practice, not-for-profit organizations, hospitality and the medical industry, she has helped countless people in many arenas of life. She offers keen insight on all aspects of relationships – family, marriage, parenting, dating, and personal growth.

Women Marrying Less Educated Men

noreply@blogger.com (Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC) — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 02:06:00 +0000

Tiger Woods and Sex Addiction

noreply@blogger.com (Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC) — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 02:01:00 +0000

Today it was reported that Tiger Woods potentially would check himself into a sex addiction treatment program. He will join a list of celebrities that have checked into sex rehab in this past year. There is a prevalence of sex addiction in our society as noted by the cultural preoccupation with how sex is reflected in TV, magazines, radio, news, and movies. The probability is infidelity triples in celebrity sports relationships due to the countless opportunities that are offered to an athlete to cheat. It is important to note, NOT EVERY PERSON THAT CHEATS IS A SEX ADDICT, BUT EVERY SEX ADDICT IS PRONE TO CHEATING.

WHAT IS SEX ADDICTION?

Sexual addiction is a persistent and escalating pattern or patterns of sexual behaviors acted out despite increasingly negative consequences to self or others. The sex addict is willing to sacrifice what they cherish most in order to preserve and continue their unhealthy behavior. The sex addict has learned to rely on sex for comfort from pain, nurturing, or relief from stress, etc. the way an alcoholic relies on alcohol, or a drug addict on drugs.

WARNING SIGNS THAT PUT INDIVIDUALS AT RISK:

a. Coping with stress by using sex to relieve tension

b. Determination to find ways to maximize sexual behavior opportunities

c. Concerns, disappointments, or guilt about sexual behavior

d. Losing sensitivity and compassion for how actions hurt self and others

WHAT IS INCLUDED IN THE TREATMENT PROCESS?

a. Admit there is a problem and that they want to get help for it.

b. Get to know the addicts true belief system and impaired thinking

i. The treatment process must develop a feedback system that keeps reality in focus (After all a sex addict will have distorted reality).

c. 90 days abstinence period from acting out behaviors and avoiding things that would trigger them to the behavior.

d. Accountability system in place including a sponsor.

e. Support group

f. Individual counseling

g. Couple counseling (if applicable)

It is very important that couples learn from the Tiger Wood’s drama by reexamining their relationships and put boundaries in place to protect their relationship by learning how to be emotionally intimate with each other. Sex addiction is also known as an intimacy disorder, which basically means the addict feels that no one will take care of his needs; he does not know how to share on an intimate, honest level with others. The sex addict is not connected with who he is so in turn he cannot truly care about others for more than what he can get from them. The sex addict has emptiness inside for various reasons and instead of finding healthy ways to deal with it; they go the selfish route and try to get quick fixes to cover the pain.

The good news is that even though it might feel hopeless, there is hope! No, it won’t be easy but even though this is an addiction that one has to be very intentional about the rest of their life, through counseling, strong boundaries and a willingness to learn new ways to deal with their pain, they can find the true intimacy they have always desired. Once they have learned this for themselves, they can in turn have healthy intimate relationships with others where feelings are mutually shared and cared about. There is hope and healing for couples that have been affected by this devastated addiction. Individuals can truly find freedom from the prison that they have put themselves in and relationships can be restored.

NOTE: You can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the author's contact information below intact

About the Author: Relationship Expert, Janie Lacy, MS offers expert advice to Local and National TV News & Relationship Websites and provides phone or face to face counseling in the Orlando area. Janie has a passion to reach out and help people grow and mature through difficult life situations. She has a relational approach and a unique ability to connect with individuals. Drawing upon her broad range of experience in private practice, not-for-profit organizations, hospitality and the medical industry, she has helped countless people in many arenas of life. She offers keen insight on all aspects of relationships – family, marriage, parenting, dating, and personal growth. Visit her webpage to learn more about her or for more counseling and coaching resources go to Total Life Counseling Center's site.

3 Ways to Prevent Health Decline After A Divorce

noreply@blogger.com (Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC) — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 01:34:00 +0000

Did you know that a broken heart could lead to bad health? A new study demonstrates divorce or the death of a spouse causes long-term negative health consequences. Those in the study that were divorced or widowed were 20 percent more likely to have heart disease, diabetes, cancer or another chronic condition and 23 percent more likely to have mobility problems, such as difficulty climbing stairs.

Did you also know that remarriage can help, but it does not take away the effects of losing a spouse? Those who were remarried after losing a spouse still showed 12 percent more chronic health conditions and 19 percent more mobility problems than married respondents who had been divorced or widowed.

The same study showed those who were divorced or widowed and were not remarried were 22 percent more likely to have chronic health conditions and 27 percent more likely to have mobility issues compared with those who were married and had not been divorced or widowed.

There are things that you can do to build yourself up to be better prepared for the pain and stress of losing a spouse to divorce or death. So what can you do if you or someone you know has lost a spouse to divorce or death? Below are three tips to better prepare you to avoid potential health problems.

1) Communicate. It is important that you express your feelings to the safe people in your life. Safe people are those who will really listen to your struggles. They will let you share your story and all the pain you are experiencing as a result of the loss.

2) Forgiveness. When you forgive your spouse and yourself for the demise of the marriage, research demonstrate evidence through various studies that letting go of grudges and bitterness lowers blood pressure, reduces stress, and you will experience fewer depression and anxiety symptoms, to name a few. However, it may take time to get to this point, but you want to consider this as a long term goal.

3) Support. It is important that you do not go through a divorce or a loss alone. You want to build a supportive team around you whether through a support group, close friends, family, and counseling.

There are many other things that you can do to position yourself to be better prepared for the difficult journey of going through a divorce or losing a spouse. Remember after verbalizing what you are experiencing and feeling to people that love and care about you, you also want to work on the process of forgiving your spouse and yourself so that you do not carry resentment and hatred, and lastly find a support system of people that understand and can guide you through the journey to emotional health.

Resources:

Waite, Linda, J., (2009) Journal of Health and Social Behavior.

NOTE: You can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the author's contact information below intact.

About the Author: Janie Lacy has a passion to reach out and help people grow and mature through difficult life situations. She has a relational approach and a unique ability to connect with individuals. Drawing upon her broad range of experience in private practice, not-for-profit organizations, hospitality and the medical industry, she has helped countless people in many arenas of life. She offers keen insight on all aspects of relationships – family, marriage, parenting, dating, and personal growth. Visit her webpage to learn more about her or for more counseling and coaching resources go to Total Life Counseling Center's website.

4 Ways Troubled Marriages Produce Troubled Kids

noreply@blogger.com (Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC) — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 03:51:00 +0000

Do you value your children’s future? Of course you do! That is why it is important to give them a fighting chance at approaching life in a healthy and balanced way. You can begin by modeling to them what a healthy and balanced marriage looks like.

1. Tension and fighting between parents takes a heavy toll on children.

Some were raised in a home where there was arguing between their parents, so you know the truth in that statement. Others who may have come from a calmer home, but now you are in a marriage where there is a great deal of bickering. Your children are paying a very high emotional price from the two of you fighting and taking out your tensions in front of them.

2. Children carry a false guilt that the fighting is their fault.

It is hard for our adult minds to put our arms around that thought. Why would our kids think they are the cause for the tension? In their little hearts some how they believe if they were better kids, better behaved and did things right, that the two of you would get along better. This produces a guilt that can be suffocating.

3. Children feel a responsibility to fix the marriage.

They love the two of you and want you to be happy, so they will go to almost any length to try to fix and save your marriage. Bob Muellor tells a story of a little boy that found his mother crying on Mother’s Day because her husband wanted to show her how angry he was, so he did not get her anything. The little boy got on his bike and rode down to the store with his money and got candy and a card and signed it from him and his dad. Do we really want to put children in that kind of place? Have them carry that kind of emotional weight? I don’t think so.

4. Children are overwhelmed by continual fear and insecurity.

Every door that is slammed and every shout that is made, it sends a shock wave where they begin to wonder is mom and dad going to stay together? Am I going to have a home? Are they going to divorce? Is this the beginning of the end? You are now raising a child that is fear driven or completely overcome with anxiety about the next day. This tends to affect the other areas of their life because they are overwhelmed by it.

WHAT TO DO EVEN IF YOU HAVE A MARRIAGE WITHOUT PROBLEMS

1. Adults should keep their arguments behind (quiet) closed doors.

You have to show maturity, self-control and wisdom if a fight is starting or if an argument is underway, to ask your spouse to step into another room to talk things over. Get out of the presence of the kids; they don’t need to hear that fight. They can’t do anything to stop it or control it, so it only injures them.

2. Adults should never ask the children to choose sides.

If you really want to tear their hearts right down the middle, just make them choose whom they love more, mom or dad. When you are upset and turn to your child and say well isn’t that the case? Don’t you agree? Haven’t you said that to me before? You really are just putting them in a no win situation because they are the product of the two of you. They belong to each of you and they don’t want to choose sides.

3. Adults should assure the children they (permanently) love each other.

Particularly after an argument which they may have heard a portion of, you need to go to them and say, “I want to assure you that mom and dad love each other, we are not going to divorce, and this marriage is permanent”.

4. Parents should apologize to the children for their fighting.

If the kids heard you saying and acting in a nasty way, you need to get down on your knee or bend down, get on eye level and say, “Daddy needs to ask your forgiveness for talking to mom that way” (or visa-versa). It will do more to heal their hearts, bring assurance, and help them to recover more than you could possibly imagine.

Resources:

Harley Willard, F. Jr. Caring for Children Means Caring for Each Other. Retrieved from http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8112_care.html

Total Living Network: For Better, For Worse, For Keeps: June 10, 2008.

NOTE: You can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the author's contact information below intact.

4 Ways Unforgiveness Destroys Your Marriage

noreply@blogger.com (Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC) — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 03:34:00 +0000

Unforgiveness does its work slowly. It’s almost like mold behind a wall, you may not notice it this day or the next day, but eventually you will experience its harmful effects.

1. We increasingly limit the intimacy of our relationship.

Unforgiveness is like a wall that you are building a brick at a time, a week at a time, and over a significant period of time the wall gets very thick and very high in the sense that intimacy in your relationship is lost.

2. We carry the ever-exhausting weight of bitterness.

Out of all the consequences of being bitter, the most debilitating is that we are worn out by it. The more we are bitter the more it makes us tired in our heart. It eventually makes us tired in our body as well. Bitter people are exhausted people because it is a weight to carry.

3. We model for our children a life of gracelessness.

Those little eyes and hearts are watching us to see what we do when we are hurt and have had something done to us that was clearly wrong. When they see that we respond with unforgiveness, distance, coldness, and bitterness, what we are programming in their little hearts is that when people hurt them, they need to make the person pay for it and they should refuse to forgive. Therefore, they grow up to be unforgiving adults and continue the sad cycle in their own relationships.

4. We deceive ourselves with a false sense of superiority.

Unforgiveness and bitterness is one of those deceiving emotions that at first makes you feel empowered that you are strong and that you are in control because you feel that you have drawn a line and have shown just how tough you are, thus giving you a false sense of superiority to your spouse. Control and unforgiveness never gives us moral authority in someone else’s life and it never earns us respect. It never earns us the kind of real relationship power we desire, which only comes from love, humility and forgiveness.

Resources:

Robert “Bob” Moeller, President Of Marriage Vine, Inc.

Worthington E.L., Jr (2005). Handbook of Forgiveness. New York: Brunner-Routledge.

NOTE: You can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the author's contact information below intact.

5 Reasons Adult Websites Can Ruin Your Relationship

noreply@blogger.com (Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC) — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 02:16:00 +0000

There are many dangers to viewing adult websites; it can damage your most important relationship. In the highly publicized divorce case between Christy Brinkley and her now ex-husband Peter Cook, it was revealed that he spent thousands of dollars on adult websites among his extra-martial expenses. In the new movie, “Fire Proof”, the main actor struggles with adult websites. David Duchovny, X-Files TV show main actor, recently admitted to checking himself into an in-patient treatment facility for sexual addictions. The Internet has enabled more people to access pornography in the privacy of their home. Along with that fact, is the realization that it is destroying more committed relationships than ever.

1) IT WILL LOWER YOUR COMMITMENT TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
In the book, Back From Betrayal, author Jennifer P. Schneider, M.D., asserts that for some dissatisfied people, fantasizing about affairs is the first step to a real affair. She suggests that the fantasization process occupies such a large part of a person’s inner world that little energy is left for the marital relationship.

2) IT WILL LOWER YOUR INTEREST IN YOUR SPOUSE.

Repeated exposure to adult websites results in a decreased satisfaction with one’s sexual partner, a decrease in the valuation of faithfulness and a major increase in the importance of sex without attachment.

3) IT PROVOKES POWERFUL EMOTIONS TO SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOUR SPOUSE.
It robs the relationship of intimacy, trust, emotional, and physical passion. The discovery of pornography in their husband's life is equal to infidelity for some women.

4) IT IS PROGRESSIVELY ADDICTIVE.
According to the book, Media, Children, and the Family: Social Scientific, Psychodynamic, and Clinical Perspectives, research has shown that sexual arousal and accompanying excitedness diminish with repeated exposure to sexual scenes. As exposure to commonly shown sexual activities leaves consumers relatively unexcited, they are likely to seek out pornography that features novel and potentially less common sexual acts.

5) IT PROMISES WHAT IT WILL NEVER DELIVER – TRUE EMOTIONAL INTIMACY IN YOUR LIFE.
In his book False Intimacy, Dr. Harry Schaumburg explains how pornography becomes a substitute for real relationships. “For the sex addict, each external sexual act is a desperate attempt to be involved in a relationship without being truly known and having to take the risks involved in developing real intimacy.”

RESOURCES:
Schaumburg, H. W., (1997). False Intimacy: Understanding the Struggle of Sexual Addiction.

Schneider, J. P., (2001). Back from Betrayal.

Zillman D., Bryant J., & Huston A.C., (1993). Media, Children, and the Family: Social Scientific, Psychodynamic, and Clinical Perspectives.

NOTE: You can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the authors contact information below intact.

About the Author: Relationship Expert, Janie Lacy, MS offers expert advice to Local and National TV News & Relationship Websites and provides phone or face-to-face counseling in the Orlando area. Janie has a relational approach and a unique ability to connect with individuals. Drawing upon her broad range of experience in private practice, not-for-profit organizations, hospitality and the medical industry, she has helped countless people in many arenas of life. She offers keen insight on all aspects of relationships – family, marriage, parenting, dating, and personal growth. Visit her webpage to learn more about her or for more counseling and coaching resources go to Total Life Counseling Center's site.

Five Reasons Why One Partner Gives Up On The Marriage

noreply@blogger.com (Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC) — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 02:20:00 +0000

1. They have met someone else (distraction). Their emotional energy is flowing toward another person. This is particularly true when a husband quits trying in a marriage. They will tell their wives “I don’t love you anymore” or “I am not sure I want to be in this marriage”. Nine times out of ten there is someone else.

2. They feel they are not listened to (discouragement). Men tend to complain more often than women that they are not listened to which leads to discouragement. The person concludes, “Why should I keep trying?”

3. They can’t resolve their inner emotional conflicts (detoured). A person quits trying when they are so self-focused and so pre-occupied with their own emotional issues. This is particularly true when someone is suffering from depression. They can be very self-focused about their pain, hopelessness, and sadness. Often they will contribute nothing to the marriage. This is simple because they are being detoured in the area of their own unmet emotional needs.

4. They are tired of feeling like a failure (downtrodden). They feel like their best just has not been good enough for the marriage and that their spouse is never pleased. They feel no matter what they have done they have failed.

5. They see no hope of change (depressed). They will extrapolate. They will say “the last two years...” “The last five years have been this way…” so they quit trying. They give up hope that things will ever change, so as a result they quit trying.

To re-engage your spouse, acknowledge your part in the problem (confession). Look for the hurt in their hurt and validate it (compassion). Finally, respond proactively to meet their needs (change).

Resource: Robert “Bob” Moeller, President Of Marriage Vine, Inc.

Three Ways to Tame the Inner "Hulk"

noreply@blogger.com (Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC) — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 02:58:00 +0000

ANGER MANAGEMENT

You stupid idiot…get off the road…where did you learn how to drive. Do these words sound familiar to you? Unfortunately, the expression of anger is commonplace in our culture. We laugh hysterically when we watch characters on our favorite TV show get angry and in the case of the Incredible Hulk we are in anticipation of him getting angry. Anger is a healthy emotion and can be a positive emotion when expressed appropriately.

1) RECOGNIZE ANGER WHEN YOU ARE EXPERIENCING IT, WHICH IS SELF-AWARENESS.
Many people do not really understand what anger looks like in their life. The reason is many people have the misconception that an angry person is limited to someone that yells or screams to make a point. However, anger manifests itself in each person differently. For example, there are people that express themselves by getting loud, slamming doors (this is call an aggressive style of expressing anger). While others express it by not saying anything or avoiding it (this is a passive style of expressing anger). Another common way of expressing anger is by giving the cold shoulder, or agreeing with the person you are angry at then turning around and doing whatever you want (this is being passive-aggressive).
It is necessary to identify what angers us the most, whether it is something in our physical territory or a blow to our self-esteem. In doing this, we also discover which relationships, life challenges, and time of day that will lead us to being most vulnerable to getting angry. This discovery is very powerful because when we know exactly what threatens us the most, we can reclaim our power and create a more positive outcome. Here is what I really want to get across, that if we don’t invest in understanding what gets us to the state of being angry we will not be able to express it in a healthy manner.

2) EXPRESS ANGER APPROPRIATELY WHEN IT OCCURS THROUGH ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION.
When you’re angry, how do you express it? For example, do you say “you made me so mad,” “ You know how to push my buttons”…so on and so forth. It is important that we use “I” messages when we communicate our frustrations to other people. This will reduce defensiveness from the listener by not accusing them. “You never” is an attack that will cause the listener to put their guard up. Example of an “I” statement…I feel unimportant when you do not look at me when I am talking to you. I get frustrated because I think you are not listening to me. When we use aggressive communication by blaming, name-calling, we cause others to be on the defensive. A healthy form of communicating our anger is by being assertive. Assertiveness is to stand up for yourself by expressing yourself honestly and appropriately. Assertiveness sounds like this: “I felt hurt, when you said I was stupid” or “I felt disrespected, when you lied to me”.

3) HAVE A GAME PLAN TO COPE WITH LIFE’S STRESS TO REDUCE ANGER IN OUR LIFE.
It is important that we learn how to cope with our stress to reduce the anger in our lives. The stress level in our lives is directly related to our anger. Therefore, we must know what kind of stress affects us, so we can learn how to manage it. A few ways to handle stress is first with humor (not to take ourselves or others so seriously), second, seek support by connecting with others. Support groups play a major role in overcoming our challenges. Third is passion, find something you truly love and do it! After all, like the incredible hulk, I don’t want to see you when you get angry.

Four Financial Facts of Life to Teach Children

noreply@blogger.com (Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC) — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 04:32:00 +0000

Teaching Millenials the Value of a Buck!

Mommy I want that new video game! Dad I want the new I-Phone! Grandma I want the new Mac Book! Most parents have heard some variation of the above statements. Parents usually are the primary financial educators for their children. Time after time, I have seen young people receive sizable allowances or inheritances, without a base of knowledge in financial planning. Consider the following five points to assist the children in your life to have a responsible attitude about money.

1) Be a Role Model – The way parents spend money and the way children view money has a significant correlation. Consider discussing the family’s financial goals and plans with the children. How much you share is to your discretion, but include the younger generation in at least a portion of the monthly management. How parents deal with money issues, from the monthly bills to planning family vacations can be important in teaching the children money management and the value of money.

2) Encourage Savings and Investments – To encourage children to save money is one of the simplest ways to encourage a responsible attitude about money. This could include designating a portion of a child’s allowance to a saving account, or making gifts of cash directly to an account in their name. Parents can discuss the account statements with the children and introduce the concept “ paying yourself first”.

3) Develop a Sense of Financial Empowerment – It is important that parents develop responsible spending habits by well thought-out choices. In order to guide and direct rather than dictate the savings and spending. Take children on window-shopping trips to compare prices and products and adopt the mind set that every trip to a store is an exercise leading to a potential purchase. For example, consider limiting impulse buying by implementing a rule that prices and products are compared at a minimum of three locations.

4) Give Unto Others – Involve children in the financial decisions regarding philanthropy. By helping children contribute time or money to a charitable cause, it can teach them that money is important in ways others than personal consumption.

Reference: Matthew P. Bartolomei, Financial Advisor http://www.fa.smithbarney.com/mattbartolomei/index.htm

NOTE: You can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the authors contact information below intact.

About the Author: Relationship Expert, Janie Lacy, MS offers expert advice to Local and National TV News & Relationship Websites and provides phone or face-to-face counseling in the Orlando area. Janie has a relational approach and a unique ability to connect with individuals. Drawing upon her broad range of experience in private practice, not-for-profit organizations, hospitality and the medical industry, she has helped countless people in many arenas of life. She offers keen insight on all aspects of relationships – family, marriage, parenting, dating, and personal growth. Visit her webpage to learn more about her or for more counseling and coaching resources go to Total Life Counseling Center's site.

You Wanna Hook Up?

noreply@blogger.com (Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC) — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 04:55:00 +0000

Why bother asking someone to dinner or to the movies when you can meet at a party, down a few drinks and go “hook up” for the night?

In my freshman year of college, I can remember going down the hall to the shared bathroom among the dorm rooms and seeing some of the girls hung-over around the sinks. I caught my roommate’s eye and asked her what happened last night with that guy she had met at the party? She said, “We had fun together with no strings attached if you know what I mean. It was great!” Since those days, very little has changed in the female world of sexual freedom, it has only evolved into what we now call “hooking up”.

“Hooking up” can include all of the bases, and the ambiguity is intentional. Modest types can imply that less happened than did, and braggarts can hint at hitting a home run. Hookups can be defined by alcohol, physical attraction and a lack of expectations in the morning.

“Hook-Up Mentality”

One of the legacies from the sexual revolution is the “hook-up mentality”. The assumption behind that mentality is that sex is just another recreational activity.

There are many reasons why hooking up has become the name of the game and old-fashioned dating virtually does not exist anymore. A big reason involves the changing social roles of women and the evolution of female sexual freedom.

These concepts can be baffling to parents and members of older generations who are used to a courtship culture, not a hookup culture. However, it can also be confusing for those active in hooking up. Hooking up often leaves participants confused about the status of their hook up relationships, leaving them in relationship limbo.

Watch Janie Lacy, Relationship Expert explain the "Hook Up Mentality" on the National Syndicated Daily Buzz Show.

Sex and the City

In spite of “hooking up”, people want to matter to their sex partner, or they want to matter to them. Even the girls on Sex and the City are figuring out that sex is more than a game. One character has become absorbed by taking care of her baby. She longs for a relationship with the baby’s father. Another character describes herself as “lonely, really lonely.” The hook-up mentality doesn't allow people to face up to the deeply embedded fact that they want to matter to their partners.

Hook Up Effects

Hooking up behavior is dangerous. There are more than 24 different sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) today and 15 million new cases are reported each year. According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention approximately 20 million people are currently infected with HPV. At least 50 percent of sexually active men and women acquire genital HPV infection at some point in their lives. By age 50, at least 80 percent of women will have acquired genital HPV infection. About 6.2 million Americans get a new genital HPV infection each year, the CDC also reports.

Hooking up happens, so what happens after hooking up? It isn't always as carefree as it seems. What happens is usually one of the two partners becomes attached, emotional needs are denied, there is a higher risk for depression, higher risk for sexual transmitted diseases, and challenges later on in life to maintain a healthy monogamous relationship.

If you are interested in seeking guidance on this or other issues or interested in booking a seminar on this or other topics please call 407-248-0030.

For more information on this subject check out our website or these websites below.

http://www.americanvalues.org/Hooking_Up.pdf

http://www.cdc.gov/

http://www.sexualrecovery.com/resources/articles/consequences.php

NOTE: You can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the authors contact information below intact.

Battling Sex Addiction

noreply@blogger.com (Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC) — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 04:42:00 +0000

What does Desperate Housewives, Sex and the City and the new ABC show Dirty Sexy Money all have in common? You guessed it – sex! We are inundated with so many explicit messages from Hollywood about sex.

In a culture obsessed with sex, it might seem surprising that we don’t hear more about sex addiction. However, there is plenty of information for people addicted to alcohol, drugs and gambling. In a culture where sex, like alcohol, is socially acceptable and encouraged, and sexual images and provocation abound, it becomes more challenging to distinguish between normal sexuality and excessive, or abnormal, sexual behavior. However we are becoming better able to understand and treat this sexual disorder.

Sexual Addiction – What is it?

The National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity has defined sexual addiction as “engaging in persistent and escalating patterns of sexual behavior acted out despite increasing negative consequences to self and others.” In other words, a sex addict will continue to engage in certain sexual behaviors despite facing potential health risks, financial problems, shattered relationships or even arrest.

Behaviors associated with sexual addiction include:

Compulsive masturbation (self-stimulation)
Multiple affairs (extra-marital affairs)
Multiple or anonymous sexual partners and/or one-night stands
Consistent use of pornography
Unsafe sex
Phone or computer sex (cybersex)
Prostitution or use of prostitutes
Exhibitionism
Obsessive dating through personal ads
Voyeurism (watching others) and/or stalking
Sexual harassment
Molestation/rape

Sexual Addiction – What causes it?

Sexual addiction can simply be seen as a coping mechanism (much as alcohol is to the alcoholic, food to the overeater, etc.). However, as with many mental health issues, the causes of this addiction are complex. I often see some common themes such as: abuse in childhood, lack of adequate nurturing as a child, intimacy problems, depression, anxiety and certain ingrained personality factors. Another significant contribution is the way men are socialized.
The research of Dr. Patrick Carnes, the leading authority on sexual addiction, has led him to estimate that about 60% of adult sex addicts were sexually abused by someone during their childhood.

Differences between Men and Women in Sex Addiction

The triple A Engine of the Internet – accessibility, affordability, and anonymity – is drawing women, as well as men, into its dark side. Female Internet activity, though, is generally more relational. Women are drawn more to chat rooms, rather then merely viewing pornography. Another way women get drawn into sex addiction can be obsessively reading hot steamy novels or watching “love” movies and then letting their minds wonder to the possibilities that they are the main character in the book or on the screen.

Healing from Sex Addiction

There are a number of key ingredients that make recovery possible. I'll discuss just a few.

1. Relationships. Supportive relationships can assist in healing the trauma and the key to long-term recovery. Addicts cannot recover in isolation. Addicts were wounded in relationships, and they have to heal in relationships. Fellowship is also the antidote to lust. Healthy fellowship is what will help the addict become free from lust.

2. Accountability. It's not enough to just have fellowship. Addicts can have fellowship that does not involve accountability, and that's not going to solve the problem. Addicts need people who know their story and who will hold them accountable for the rituals as well as for the acting out.

3. Counseling. The Twelve Steps lead addicts through a methodical process that focuses on their addictive behaviors and on the defects of character that underlie the addictive behaviors. But the Twelve Steps, as wonderful and useful as they are, will not adequately address all the problems of abuse and abandonment that are at the root of sexual addiction. That's not their goal. The goal of Twelve Step programs is sobriety. And sobriety gives us an opportunity to work on the other problems that have led to the addictions or that accompany the addictions.

4. Courage. Recovery requires courage. It is a difficult journey—and one that is not undertaken lightly or easily. For many giving up an addiction feels like death. It is the addiction that has helped individuals cope with the wounds of abuse and abandonment. When there are no other, healthier coping skills, becoming abstinent from the addictions can be an absolutely terrifying, incredibly painful process. That's another reason why the fellowship and accountability is so important. Without support individuals will inevitably retreat into "safer" territory.

5. Grace. The experience of grace is central to the recovery process.

If you are interested in booking a seminar on this or other topics please call 407-248-0030.

NOTE: You can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the author's contact information below intact.