Give Back

This is Easy To Do

Give back. Possibly the most important tenet of Jar The Ground. Help others when you can, however you can. Give back by helping others overcome challenges similar to the ones you have faced or are facing. That way your experience is put to good use and there is one less person struggling for an answer you already found. Give back by making another person’s day, week, life a little less painful. This moves society forward.

What Are You Really Doing When You Give Back?

“Give back” suggests that you have received something that you should return or pay back. And in a way that is likely the case. If you are like me, many people have helped you along the way. You’ve been supported in many a success by individuals seen and unseen. The college admissions person you never met, and who decided to give you a chance. Or perhaps it comes in the form of the person working 3 jobs who keeps your office clean so you can start each morning fresh and uncluttered. Things get done all around us that affect us in positive ways. Often we never have a chance to thank these people who grace our lives with presence in the world.

I really like the notion of paying it forward. This concept is based on the assumption that doing so spreads a selfless caring and further enriches the social networks that connect us. In addition, it often makes more sense to help out a different person than the one who helped you since you are more likely to be helping someone truly in need.

How Everyone Can Do This

Just Saying Thank You Can Make A Person's Day!

And you don’t need to give a million dollars to charity or build a homeless shelter. It can be as simple as a smile and a thank you. I was in the grocery store recently and the gentleman in front of me said hi to the checker and then asked how her day was going. He commiserated with her about the long hours while she went about her work. At the end of the transaction he looked her in the eye and thanked her and told her he hoped her day would go by fast. When she started scanning my items she was beaming. I asked her if she knew that man. She said no, not really, but that he was always so nice. When I asked why she was smiling she said, “I know it sounds crazy, but I feel better after seeing him. You know how many people actually express concern for a check out clerk, or smile, or even say thank you like they mean it? Let me tell you, almost no one…” It turns out that woman has gone entire days at work without ernest appreciation. That’s something anyone can easily remedy.

Take a real interest in a person you interact with (but don’t really see) at least once a week or so. Starting with simple acts like that will make you more enriched, because you are enriching the life of another person.

Giving back is critical to the entire Jar The Ground process. It brings the process and your success full circle.

There is much more to the concept that you should give back. If you would like to learn more contact me  here. If you would like to schedule a Jar The Ground talk for your organization feel free to contact me via the “Book a Speaking Engagement” menu bar link above.

Live like you have one life. So simple. So obvious. But we often forget that our time here is limited.

We Are All Started…

We Only Have Control Over The Middle…

We Are All Ended…

We All Have ONLY One Middle…And It Is Brief.

We face reminders throughout life, mostly when we lose someone close to us or a popular celebrity passes away. But aside from this we tend to keep our mortality in the back of our minds, just out of reach. Sure, it’s probably not a great idea to worry about death on a constant basis and that is not what I am suggesting you do.

So why live like you have one life? First, and most important, so you live only your life and not the life others want for you. As I pointed out in my make success personal post, many people are under pressure to make the life decisions that family, peers, and society want us to. We are told what our place should be based on a variety of factors that often do not include what we truly want. The second reason is that it will keep you motivated to achieve what you believe will ultimately make you happy. And finally so you do not become trapped by societal views into thinking there is only one way to attain what you want in life. I love the story below. I don’t know who created it, but, it is perfect.

There was once an American businessman who was sitting by the beach in a small Mexican village. As he looked out across the ocean, he saw a Mexican fisherman rowing a small boat towards the shore. He noticed that the fisherman had caught quite a number of big fish known to be a delicacy. The American was impressed and asked the fisherman, “How long does it take you to catch so much fish?”
The fisherman replied, “Oh, just a short while.”

“Then why don’t you stay longer at sea and you could catch even more?” The businessman was astonished.

The fisherman says matter-of-factly, “This is enough to feed my whole family,.”

The businessman then asked, “So, what do you do for the rest of the day then?”

The fisherman replied, “Well, I usually wake up early in the morning, go out to sea and catch a few fish, then I would go back and play with my kids. In the afternoon, I will take a nap with my wife. When evening comes, I will join my buddies in the village for a drink, we play guitar, sing and dance throughout the night. My days are ever so complete and carefree.”

The businessman did not agree with this way of life and offered a suggestion to the fisherman.

“I am a MBA graduated from Harvard University, specializing in business management. I could help you to become a more successful person. From now on, you have to spend more time at sea and try to catch as much fish as possible. And when you have saved enough money, you will buy a bigger boat and catch even more fish. As you go on, you will be able to afford to buy more boats, recruit more fishermen and lead a team of your own. Soon you will be able to set up your own company, your very own production plant for canned food and sell directly to your distributors. At that time, you will have moved out of this village and to Mexico City, and then expand your operation to LA, and finally to New York City, where you can set up your Worldwide Headquarters to manage all your other branches.”

The fisherman asks, “So, how long would that take?”

The businessman reply, “About 15 to 20 years.”

The fisherman continues, “And after that?”

The businessman laughs heartily, “After that, you will manages your enormous business, and when the time is right, you can go public on the Stock Exchange, by then you will be rich, you will be worth hundreds of millions, perhaps even billions dollars!”

The fisherman asks, “And after that?”

The businessman says, “After that, you can finally retire, you can move to a house by a fishing village, wake up early in the morning and catch a few fish, then return home to play with the kids, have a nice afternoon nap with your wife, and when evening comes, you can join your buddies for a drink, play the guitar, sing and dance throughout the night!”

The fisherman was puzzled, “Isn’t that what I am doing now?”

Sometimes the life we want to live is right in front of us.

And yet, how do we stay aware of our limited time without becoming obsessed or depressed? We can do this by accepting our impermanence and not treating it as foreign or a burden. People do accomplish this to a certain extent when they set up wills and trusts. They know they are preparing for the inevitable. But often once these legal documents are set in place, people go back to living their lives with their sense of mortality tucked away safely only to be brought out by a close call at a cross walk or some other unexpected scare. But if we can see our mortality as just a part of the life process, and we can connect to it without judgment then we can use it to help us live our lives with a different outlook.

When I was in graduate school I had a teacher and friend who grappled with his mortality as a result of terminal skin cancer. He surprised me one day by informing me that knowing his death was near was freeing and rather than feeling like a heavy burden it actually made him feel lighter. I asked how that could possibly be. He explained that ever since he had come to be at peace with his impending death he could focus on the most important things in his life. I was still puzzled. So he said , “With the knowledge that I won’t be here right in front of me, I can see more clearly what is important to me. So, for instance, I care more for things that will be here when I am gone. I can make decisions and prioritize without the pressure of my ego. I am more alive than I have ever been.”

I like Tim McGraw’s song, “Live Like You Were Dying”. It captures the message in this Jar The Ground tenet. Accept and be aware of your mortality and things will actually get clearer. Know that none of us has nearly as much time as we think. Live like you have one life and use your time wisely.

There is much more to the concept that you should live like you have one life. If you would like to learn more contact me  here. If you would like to schedule a Jar The Ground talk for your organization feel free to contact me via the “Book a Speaking Engagement” menu bar link above.

Make success personal. Define success to be what you want. Determine what it is for you in particular. It is different for each of us. The pressure to conform to other people’s and society’s few and narrow definitions  of success is profound. That’s probably why there are so many unhappy “successful” people. If more people would take the time and effort to make success personal, there would be more satisfied people in the world.

Our society, by way of the media, defines success very narrowly. It primarily involves the acquisition of money, things, power, and celebrity. Many people are also pressured by parents, teachers, mentors, and peers to conform to a common list of accomplishments that fall into their shared definition of success.

The problem with this is that each of us is different from everyone else in many ways. So a narrow definition of success is very limiting. We all have different dreams, potential, and purpose. If we were all able to follow our hearts and discover the things we do best and make us happiest, our society would would likely have lower levels of depression and higher levels of creativity in all fields.

Personal Success

This definition of success from my ADHD blog is much more personalized and, I believe, ultimately far more satisfying. Magical things happen when a person follows their heart and chooses their own path. They are able to achieve amazing things. But most important, they are happier. And society (that’s all of us) is better off. Would you rather entrust your health to a doctor who loves what he or she does and truly resonates with the care of others OR would you rather have a doctor who became one just to satisfy his or parents and to make a good living? I have experienced both types of doctors and the difference is huge. The same goes for all fields. Whenever I interview someone for a job, whether at a company or to perform work on my home, I ask them what they like about their field and the prospective job in particular. And then I listen. I listen for an answer that expresses passion for the work that is intrinsic in nature. I am far more likely to hire a person or use their services if they love what they do and what they are doing for me is part of their strategy for personal success. These people always do a great job.

It takes courage to buck the trend and look past what people in your life and society say success should be for you. But if you can manage to do this and forge your own way, you will be more likely to find happiness that is not tied to so many things out of your control. This is why make success personal is a tenet of Jar the Ground.

There is much more to the concept that we should make success personal. If you would like to learn more contact me  here. If you would like to schedule a Jar The Ground talk for your organization feel free to contact me via the “Book a Speaking Engagement” menu bar link above.

Embrace change and challenges. This is a tough one because many of us have been trained by society to view many life changes and challenges  in an extremely negative light. Most of us are programmed to make value judgements about everything that we experience. We place each life experience in one of two bins, “good” or”bad.” Add to this the fact that any type of change causes stress, it is no wonder that, in these volatile times, people are more strained than ever.

Change occurs with every day, every hour, and every minute that passes. It may just be a difference in temperature as you travel from inside a warm building to a chilly winter day outside. It can come in the form of that new car smell. Or it can come in the aching loss felt when a loved one dies. Whether we label our change “good” or “bad”, according to researchers and many mental health professionals, the effects of the resulting stress on our health is the same.

When challenges come to us with change these are most often either labeled “bad” or seen as things to be conquered such as the lack of stamina a runner seeks to lessen as she trains for a marathon. We are urged by counselors to “over come” our grief at the loss of a loved one. We “face” challenges in our jobs, relationships, and just about every aspect of our lives.

When I say to embrace change and challenges, I mean that they should be merely acknowledged for what they are. That is things that have happened and nothing more. Labeling something as positive or negative does not actually help us to cope and can cause us to inaccurately categorize the things that happen to us. We have no idea in the grand scheme of things what really is “good” or “bad” as this zen story illustrates.

Change and challenges will be what they are no matter how we label them. By taking a neutral stance we can approach our life without questioning why things happen or trying to “undo” them in our minds. Worry falls away, giving way to clear thinking. When change occurs and challenges present themselves we are not as flustered or shocked. We accept the effects as is and move on.

I know this is NOT easy! Accepting such things as rejection or the loss of a loved one and being able to view it as part of the impersonal flow of life is very difficult. But the rewards of being able to do so are huge. We can view our lives and the events that affect us with perspective and act rather than react.

There is much more to the concept that we should embrace change and ehallenges. If you would like to learn more contact me  here. If you would like to schedule a Jar The Ground talk for your organization feel free to contact me via the “Book a Speaking Engagement” menu bar link above.

Every day is new. It really is a simple concept; one that has been around for a while. The “Today is the first day of the rest of your life” concept is quite similar. I find that this is the key to moving forward through life as unencumbered as possible. Mastering the every day is new tenet enables forgiveness, renewal, forward thinking, and other very powerful qualities to become regular parts of your life.

Most people carry a lot of emotional and mental baggage around with them. You might begrudge the person at work who did not praise your presentation or who snagged the promotion you were eyeing. Or you might wake up still peeved about a ding you found on your new car the day before. Or perhaps you are worried by a troubling medical test result. No matter how serious or trivial these things may be to others or you, for you they may be taking away valuable mental and emotional resources.

We all have things that worry us. But the trick is to realize that carrying those worries and irritations with us day after day, playing them over and over in our minds, does not allow us to move forward. The only way to move forward in life is to look back  ONLY as a way of learning from mistakes or planning for the future. Wishing things turned out different or perseverating about things that are past only serves to hold us back. I can’t count the number of times people have asked me “Why?” this or that happened to them or their loved one? Many times there is no “why” and searching for one does not fix the situation. Check out this story.

When we consider every day as new we can let go of things from the past and leave them there, figuratively and literally. If you were holding a grudge against a friend you will find that the new day can more easily bring forgiveness. If you were upset about a mistake you made, both self-forgiveness as well as the opportunity to either fix the mistake and/or move on with a lesson learned are within your grasp.

Why use the beginning of the day? When we sleep, our minds rest and there is evidence from many sources that we are able to solve problems in our sleep. We are also able to close our eyes on the things that worry and weigh on us (if we can train ourselves to let go – there is always the bad night’s sleep due to over stress.) For most people  waking from a good night’s rest does bring a brief sense of a fresh start. The trick is to retain that feeling and NOT banish it with worrying or negative thoughts over what is already done and in the past.

There is much more to the concept that every day is new. If you would like to learn more contact me  here. If you would like to schedule a Jar The Ground talk for your organization feel free to contact me via the “Book a Speaking Engagement” menu bar link above.

Today I got an unexpected call from someone I had not heard from in 9 years.  Russell Wilkie is someone I worked with on a project involving personality driven relationship advice. He is a Marriage and Family Therapist and an all around good guy. All those years ago we also worked together on an article for his web site. He was recently making some changes and wanted to make sure he had the spelling of my last name correct. We spoke for about 30 minutes and it was a great pleasure to reconnect. This made my day. Russell even gave me the contact information for another old friend we have in common.

It seems to me that hearing from people after time has passed must feel good for a reason. I think that knowing that there are people out in the world who remember us and still turn to us, either for aid or to just say hello, keeps us connected to our personal history. Certainly social networks facilitate such moments of re-aquantance. The feeling is similar. We are reminded that our part in the world is bigger than we thought. We remember another person who (no matter how big or small a part played) is a character in the story of our life.

It also occurs to me that this is a great way to make another person’s day. I conducted a brief survey of a few friends. Everyone (introverted and extroverted) admitted being excited silly when contacted unexpectedly by a friend from the past. Given how restorative this can be, there is something to be said for the other side of the coin.

By contacting a friend you have not interacted with in a while, you could make their day (or at least brighten it.) And in my experience the act of checking up on a friend or family member feels pretty good also. This is a simple way to give back per the Jar The Ground tenets.

So, my request to you is that you think of someone you can contact today; someone who has not heard from you in a while and who would be excited, consoled, comforted to hear your voice or see your name in their email box. Then contact them. Don’t put it off. Make time to do this today.

In our lives, we celebrate major milestones like birthdays and significant successes like job promotions. But often we put celebrations off for larger successes and wait for the next big goal to be accomplished. This is an easy and unfortunate trap to fall into. It is just as important to celebrate small victories and to express collective and personal pride in accomplishments that could be a small step in  a longer journey. When we put off celebrations for something “bigger” many times we look back some time later and realize we never took time to enjoy our success or the path we took to get there.

I have worked for a few start up companies and research institutions in Silicon Valley over the past 15 years. Looking back I can see differences among these groups tied the efforts that were made by the people in charge to celebrate often or not. In the groups where we celebrated often, no matter how large or small the milestone, moral was consistently high. Most people felt appreciated and were much more willing to step up their game and put extra hours in when needed. Employees took pride in getting things right. And these celebrations were not Champagne and Bellini affairs. Often it was just a cake from Costco and some ice cream. As with many aspects of interpersonal interaction, it was the thought that counted and most people recognized that.

In other groups where I worked the people in charge were continuously putting off celebrations for “the next milestone” or completion of the next project. The time between celebrations grew and grew till work became like chasing rainbows. Never a pot of gold or even a, “great job, thanks,” At the end. The result was inevitably reduced moral and declining performance.

The same applies in our personal lives. The more often we acknowledge the little things we accomplish, the greater our willingness to keep pushing forward. And it makes it easier to Jar The Ground.

For me I want there to be able to acknowledge good in my life no matter how small. I try not to let the “size” of something positive to keep me from becoming excited and joyous. I try to show gratitude for every day I wake and to be excited. Sadly this general attitude does not always sit well with “serious” people. Someone once told me I was acting like a child for being too excited over “small things.” Recently at the 100 day celebration for my child’s kindergarten, I burst through a curtain of streamers and shouted “woo hoo” excitedly and clapped. All the kids started laughing hysterically. But a couple parents nearby looked on with disapproval and disdain. Sad. I don’t think these people have come to grips with their own mortality.

Being able to able to find joy in the small things does not mean we give up on our larger dreams. It just means that we acknowledge that life (no matter what course we set) is a journey and each step is a victory because it brings us closer to our goals. Each day is a cause for celebration, because we are still here.

My only request for you in this posting: Find something to celebrate today and do so with unabashed abandon.