Jason's Warped TV

Hooters Opens Up in the Neighborhood of Make-Believe

noreply@blogger.com (Jason's Warped TV) — Thu, 03 Mar 2011 23:16:00 +0000

Mr. Rogers: Alright kids, lets do some make-believe. Today, a Hooters Restaurant has opened up in the neighborhood creating quite a controversy.

(Trolley comes around)

(King Friday steps out)

King Friday: Today is a great day for the neighborhood. The Hooters Restaurant has opened it's doors. It will be great for our economy.

Lady Elaine: I think it's a bunch of filth and it will bring immorality to the neighborhood of make-believe.

King Friday: Well, Lady Elaine. No one cares what your ugly dried up ass thinks.

(Meanwhile, over at the Hooters)

Henrietta Pussycat: Meow, meow degrading. Meow, meow need job or home will go into foreclosure.

X-the-Owl: Come on now, can't I see some more fur? Where are my wings at?

(Trolley drives by with a plate full of wings and a beer)

Prince Tuesday: Isn't that cannibalism, X?

X-the-Owl: Not my species of bird, so no.

X-the-Owl: Tuesday, what are you doing underneath your cape.

Prince Tuesday: I can't help it. Lady Aberlin looks so hot in that outfit.

X-the-Owl: Oh, I thought you were looking at Purple Panda.

Prince Tuesday: Eww, gross!

Mr. McFeely: Hey, Lady Aberlin come over to my table.

Lady Aberlin: Mr. McFeely, do you want some wings?

Mr. McFeely: Actually, I'd like to make a speedy delivery with you in the back. That's why they call me "McFeely".

Lady Aberlin: Only if you tip well.

Prince Tuesday: Lucky bastard.

X-the-Owl: I know, let's slash the tires on his mail truck.

(Meanwhile, Lady Elaine is outside picketing and protesting the Hooters Restaurant)

Lady Elaine: This place must close.

X-the-Owl: That bitch never lets us have any fun.

Prince Tuesday: I know. Let's slash her tires too.

(Trolley comes back to Mr. Rogers' place)

Mr. Rogers: (Grabs a wing) Damn, they're cold. So anyways, we'll catch up with them next time as King Friday puts out a hit on Lady Elaine for disrupting his Hooters' franchise.

(There's a knock at the door)

Mr. Rogers: I bet it's Mr. McFeely.

Mr. McFeely: Hey Fred, look who I brought over.

Mr. Rogers: Wow, it's five Hooters' girls! Alright kids, see you later. Watch this picture/picture movie on how to make dry ice bombs, remember that your special and all that good shit.

Lifetime Movie Generator

noreply@blogger.com (Jason's Warped TV) — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 17:14:00 +0000

You say writing a movie script is hard? Not if you work for the Lifetime Channel. It's simple. Take 4 of these 64 topics/cliches at random and there you go. You now have a Lifetime movie script. Go ahead and sell it!

1. abused woman
2. drunken husband
3. molested child
4. woman addicted to drugs
5. stalker ex-boyfriend
6. long drawn out court case
7. washed up TV mom from 70's or 80's
8. woman confused about her sexuality
9. gay son
10. suicidal woman
11. suicidal child
12. woman with cancer
13. child with cancer
14. woman with freaky rare disease
15. child with freaky illness
16. skeptical doctor
17. broken family
18. neglected child
19. Christmas miracle
20. gay daughter
21. kid on drugs
22. pedophile
23. murder
24. runaway kids
25. abusive husband/boyfriend
26. drug-addict husband/boyfriend
27. woman in prison
28. woman wrongfully accused
29. psychotic neighbor
30. oldest sibling raising orphaned brothers and sisters
31. family facing house foreclosure
32. feuding divorced parents
33. trouble-making kids
34. rapist
35. involvement in religious cults
36. estranged older mother
37. long lost parents
38. woman finds out she married a psychopath
39. drunk driving
40. kid dies from accident, mother becomes activist
41. woman goes insane
42. caring, loyal best friend
43. woman with anorexia
44. woman with bullemia
45. woman dying
46. woman with retarded child
47. husband/boyfriend with gambling problem
48. woman kills boyfriend
49. road trip evading police
50. unfair legal system
51. kidnapped or missing child
52. kid on drugs
53. kid bullied in school
54. house burns down
55. rags to riches story
56. teenage pregnancy
57. woman has abortion
58. adopted kids
59. cheesy Christmas family get-together
60. woman speeding away nervously in an ugly old car
61. poor single mom struggling to raise kids
62. woman thought her husband was dead, finds out he's alive
63. woman with hidden past
64. woman remarries, ex-boyfriend/husband comes and finds them

A Sweet Pickles Drive By

noreply@blogger.com (Jason's Warped TV) — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 22:36:00 +0000

This guy gets a phone call about an old debt his parents owed from 1983. "Mr. Smith, it seems that your parents never paid for your 8 installments of sweet pickles books.", said the caller. "And, that was 27 years ago bitch! What do I care?", says Mr. Smith. The caller replies, "You don't wanna make the duck angry. You won't like the duck when he's angry." "Get lost!", says Mr. Smith.

So, a few weeks pass and nothing happens. Then, one day, Mr. Smith sees a big green van rolling down the street. He realizes who it is and yells at his neighbor who is outside watering the grass, "Duck!". "Yeah, I see it's a duck.", says the neighbor. "No! Duck, fool, he's got an automatic. As the van drives by, the duck fires his AK-47 away at Mr. Smith making a big red splat against the garage door.

An Interview With Garfield

noreply@blogger.com (Jason's Warped TV) — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 04:36:00 +0000

I got to sit down with cartoon cat legend Garfield this week and this is how it went.

Jason: So, Garfield what are up to these days?
Garfield: Well, I've got "The Garfield Show" on Cartoon Network.
Jason: That show really blows compared to "Garfield and Friends". I mean, I'd rather watch the U.S. Acres shorts.
Garfield: Ouch, not so harsh! I'm just trying to reinvent myself for a whole new generation of kids.
Jason: Let's cut the crap. The show sucks and your movies weren't very good either. Sounds like you sold out to me.
Garfield: Hey man, Cartoon Network offered me a lifetime supply of lasagna for doing this new show. I'm sorry, but I couldn't pass that up.
Jason: Now, that's the selfish, indifferent Garfield that I know and love. This isn't the first time that you just went in for a paycheck. "Cartoon All Stars to the Rescue" was the first time you sold out. Although, I have to say that you were the only one who stayed in character in that show.
Garfield: Funny that you bring that one up, cause that kid ended up overdosing on heroin or something. I saw the futility in what ALF, Bugs Bunny, Alvin, and other were trying to accomplish.
Jason: Doesn't surprise me. Speaking of Alvin, he sold out probably just as bad as you did.
Garfield: Can you blame him? We made next to nothing in the eighties as stars. Do you know how much Spongebob is getting paid? 30 million a year! We had to get involved somehow with that much cash on the line nowadays.
Jason: Do you hang out with any of the new stars or do you hang out with the older stars?
Garfield: I party with Alvin every once and a while. I've done some autograph signing with Heathcliff and Winnie the Pooh.
Jason: Heathcliff? Weren't you two bitter rivals in the eighties?
Garfield: Oh, we hated each other back then, but no point in that nonsense now. We're too old for that crap. He couldn't hang with me anyways. I had a CBS Saturday Morning time slot, the gold standard for network cartoons at that time. All he had was a spot before "Dennis the Menace" reruns on Nickelodeon. I'll tell you who I really want drug out to the street and shot though.
Jason: Who?
Garfield: Those no talent hacks from U.S. Acres. Orson, Wade, Bo, Sheldon, and the rest of them. They rode my coattails for years and I never even got one thank you, not even a pan of lasagna.
Jason: I always hated those shorts. I like variety shorts the way "The Pink Panther" did it with "The Inspector" and "The Ant and the Aardvark", but on your show, it just messed up the flow.
Garfield: Agreed.
Jason: Any closing thoughts?
Garfield: Yeah, where's the lasagna you promised me for this interview and it better not be that Stouffer's shit!
Jason: Rest easy, we had Olive Garden cater it.

Failed Indycar Contest Design Entry

noreply@blogger.com (Jason's Warped TV) — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 15:43:00 +0000

Yet Another Long John Silver's Sign

noreply@blogger.com (Jason's Warped TV) — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 23:25:00 +0000

Paranormal Activity Parody: Mama's Family

noreply@blogger.com (Jason's Warped TV) — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 19:56:00 +0000

The story starts out with Naomi telling Vinton that she's being terrorized by an evil spirit. They get Bubba to document the haunting with his camcorder. "I'll find out what's bothering you, Aunt Naomi.", says Bubba. "I sure hope so, it's affecting my job at Food Circus.", says Naomi. So Bubba sets up his camcorder in hopes of catching the ghost on tape in Naomi's bedroom. Mama keeps telling them that they are full of it. Iola chimes in and says, "I don't know Thelma, you know mother has been visited by ghosts for many years now." "That senile old bat wouldn't know the difference between a ghost and her own shadow.", replies Thelma sarcastically.

So they catch some weird stuff on tape like doors closing and loud noises. Mama starts yelling at them, "You goofballs, I have to get to sleep, stop slamming doors!". "It's not us, Mama", says Vinton. Mama doesn't believe them. Bubba continues taping Naomi and eventually sees her get up out of bed and stare at Vinton for 4 hours without moving. Naomi had no recollection of doing this and she starts getting more scared. Mama again dismisses Naomi and her haunting saying that it is a bunch of hogwash. Naomi ever starts experiencing strange things at Food Circus. She keeps noticing products moving from shelf to shelf behind her. Her boss just laughs at her when she tells him the stories.

Vint and Naomi decide to call a psychic and they get a hold of Raytown Psychics Inc.
Mama gets annoyed and says, "You're gonna spend your hard earned money on some weirdo psychic, how about paying me more rent money?" The psychic comes over and starts to feel an evil presence. "This is not my specialty. I deal in ghosts and this is a demon haunting Naomi. Call my friend at Raytown Demon Specialists Inc. Mama convinces them not to call and they continue recording the haunting. The noises get louder and louder. Mama gets more and more irritated. "That is the last I'm going to tell you clowns to knock it off!", says Thelma. "It's not us, really Grandma.", replies Bubba.

At this point, Bubba and Vinton get out a Ouija board and try to contact the demon. Naomi gets all pissed off and goes off on both of them. The Ouija board catches fire and moves around a bit. Again, the noises get louder and Naomi is dragged up to the kitchen by the demon. Naomi starts screaming and Thelma runs downstairs while Vint hides in the closet. Mama realizes for the first time that they weren't lying and that there is a demon in the house. They call the psychic back as the demon expert was out of town. "You've made it mad. I have to leave. Please, I have to go, I'll just make it worse."

They start hearing the voices during the day and they hear a loud crash. They look at the family portrait and it's shattered. Thelma's face has three slashes through it. Vint tries to convince Naomi to leave but she wants to stay. They go to sleep and you see Naomi on camera get dragged upstairs again. Vint jumps to go after her. There's a lot of screaming and all of sudden Naomi's possessed body comes downstairs and attempts to throw Vint against the wall when Mama grabs her, "Just one minute, you good for nothing demon, my family may be a bunch of idiots, but they are my idiots. Nobody messes with my family and keeps me up all night without feeling the wrath of Thelma Harper." Thelma throws down the Ghostbusters trap she bought off the home shopping channel during her shop at home addiction and sucks the demon right out of Naomi.

Another Long John Silver's Sign

noreply@blogger.com (Jason's Warped TV) — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 19:20:00 +0000

Long John Silver's Sign

noreply@blogger.com (Jason's Warped TV) — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 19:19:00 +0000

Chick-Fil-A Sign

noreply@blogger.com (Jason's Warped TV) — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 19:18:00 +0000

Jack in the Box Sign

noreply@blogger.com (Jason's Warped TV) — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 19:17:00 +0000

Another Wendy's Sign

noreply@blogger.com (Jason's Warped TV) — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 22:24:00 +0000

Stephen King's Cat's Eye

noreply@blogger.com (Jason's Warped TV) — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 20:11:00 +0000

Wendy's Sign

noreply@blogger.com (Jason's Warped TV) — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 13:52:00 +0000

The General Insurance

noreply@blogger.com (Jason's Warped TV) — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 13:45:00 +0000

I had to make fun of this annoying commercial.

Sopranos Parody

noreply@blogger.com (Jason's Warped TV) — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 23:35:00 +0000

Whataburger Restaurant

noreply@blogger.com (Jason's Warped TV) — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 23:34:00 +0000

Ben 10 Alien Force Parody

noreply@blogger.com (Jason's Warped TV) — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 18:32:00 +0000

Ben is finally alone with his girlfriend Julie. His parents are away and they have the house to themselves. They are fixing to get busy and suddenly there's an explosion outside. An alien spaceship has blown a gigantic hole in the street.

Ben loses it and say, "Alright, that's it. I've put up with this crap for five years now and I'm not going to take it anymore. Every damn time I wanna do something or just relax, some stupid alien interrupts me, my friends, and my family. As far as I'm concerned, you aliens can stick it. Blow up the whole earth for all I care. I was fixing to score for crying out loud. What kind of life is this? I don't want it anymore. With all this alien technology floating around out there, there has to be somebody else that can fight off these aliens. All I know is that I'm done." Julie freaks out and eases away from Ben and leaves.

Ben checks himself into a psychiatric hospital. He couldn't handle the pressure anymore. So, he sits down with a therapist. "Well, it all started when I was ten years old and I got this watch attached to my wrist that allowed me to turn into various alien life forms.", says Ben. "Really, go on.", says the therapist. "I think my biggest issue that I'm dealing with is how careless and irresponsible my grandfather was. My cousin Gwen, who was the same age I was, and I were out risking are lives fighting aliens with him. He didn't seem to mind putting us at risk; he'd just give us some inspirational speech of confidence. He even let aliens take us by ourselves to outer space to fight other aliens without supervision.

So, Ben is permanently committed as they figured he suffered from severe paranoid delusions. Gwen and Kevin come in to visit. "Ben, you have to get out of here, we have business to take care of with Vilgax.", says Gwen. "I don't care anymore. I'm burnt out from fighting.", says Ben. Kevin replies, "How about you get the hell of this nuthouse right now and help us or I'll kick your ass!" Ben reluctantly goes out to fight more random aliens.

They go by and grab a few sodas. "Ben, what is that you're putting in your soda?", asks Gwen. "It's Jack Daniels.", says Ben. "You're drinking alcohol, Ben, you can't do that!", says Gwen. "Bite me.", says Ben. So they run into a bunch of DNA aliens and Ben is pretty hammered by this time. He gets a little angry and transforms into Humungousaur and starts ripping the aliens apart. He starts pulling out their entrails and smearing them all over the surrounding building. "Take that, you pieces of shit!", yells Ben. "I think Ben has really lost it.", says Kevin to Gwen.

Ben goes on a tear killing every alien in his path. He eventually destroys all the evil alien races in the galaxy. He goes home and meets up with Julie again. "Finally, we can get down to business. It's hero time!", says Ben

It's 2010, Where the Hell is My Hoverboard?

noreply@blogger.com (Jason's Warped TV) — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 14:05:00 +0000

Well, it's 2010 and yes I know that in "Back to the Future, Part II" it was 2015. It's still close enough! Where the hell is my hoverboard? I want one dammit! What about the Nike's that automatically secure themselves to your feet or the self-drying jacket? They're not here either. The weather forecasts are not ultra-efficient either. Are all we going to have even close to the that is the high definition televisions? There's no flying cars either and it sure would be nice to run my car off of empty beer cans. No luck there either. We haven't even perfected telekinesis to play video games without using your hands!

And what happened to the restaurant wars? I don't see Taco Bell taking over anytime soon and I don't see cryogenic prisons anywhere. You guessed it, there aren't three seashells as well.

You know what we do have? Hundreds of crappy reality shows, bad music, watered down sports, and overrated movies. Don't let me forget video games with amazing graphics and horrendous game play. This is the future. Enjoy!

Top 10 Movies That Piss Me Off!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Jason's Warped TV) — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 13:35:00 +0000

10. Jack Frost (1998) The snowman is ugly and the boy loses his father not once, but twice. What a great Christmas movie for kids!

9. My Girl (1992) Let's see, her mother died and her best friend died. To top that off, her dad works and lives in a funeral home so she gets to have her best friend's body in her house! Another lovely kids movie!

8. Pay It Forward (2001) All the talent in this movie and it still sucked. The kid has this incredible idea of helping people out and gets stabbed to death at the end of it. Sorry for the spoiler if you haven't seen it.

7. I'll Be Home For Christmas (1998) The only thing good about this pile of Christmas shit is that essentially ended Jonathan Taylor Thomas' career. He just couldn't act no matter how hard he tried, he just sucked.

6. Milk Money (1996) I really don't have a reason other than they took what could have been a cool plot, a bunch of kids hanging out with a hooker, and turned into a really boring story.

5. Lassie (1994) This whole movie just pissed me off to no end. None of the characters were likable and I kinda wished that Lassie had turned rabid and attacked his lame ass family. Nothing like rival sheepherders for a movie plot. I'll pass thank you.

4. The Good Son (1993) What a pile of crap! I'm not the first to trash this waste of film. It's mean spirited and not in a cool or demented way. It just sucks. It probably has something to do with Macauley Culkin being in it. He just can't do evil.

3. Police Academy 5 (1988) Now, why am I going after 5 and not 6 or 7 you ask? I remember renting this a kid all excited to see another stupid but funny "Police Academy" movie. 20 minutes into, I realize Steve Guttenburg isn't in it. Where's Mahoney? I shut it off and never watched it again.

2. Click (2007) This movie was one bad nightmare, literally. Here, I'm expecting a cool movie where a guy can do whatever he wants with the remote control. However, that's not the case in this piece of garbage.

1. Nothing But Trouble (1991) This movie was just a disaster. There's no other way to put it. Take John Candy, Dan Aykroid, Chevy Chase, and Demi Moore and put them together. What do you get? This piece of crap with painfully annoying characters and no script.

The Legend of Billie Jean Movie Review

noreply@blogger.com (Jason's Warped TV) — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 12:38:00 +0000

This was a timeless classic of the 1980's and it's time to look back at one of the greatest movies of all time that owned the airwaves of TBS in late eighties and early nineties.

Helen Slater stars as Billie Jean Davy, a cute, poor girl from the trailer park of Corpus Christi, Texas. Christian Slater (no relation) plays her brother Binks and Yeardly Smith, the voice of Lisa Simpson, plays an annoying neighbor named Putter. I have no idea where they came up with the names.

It starts out with Billie Jean and Binks hanging out and riding around on Binks' motor scooter which he got when their dad passed away. This bully named Hubie Pyatt and his friends start messing with them. Hubie ends up stealing his motor scooter and trashing it. Well, Binks ends up sulking the rest of the evening because of the bike. Binks ends up going after his motor scooter and getting his ass kicked. He gets the bike back but Billie Jean is upset that Binks got his ass kicked and that the bike was trashed. She hitches a ride with another neighbor named Ophelia along with Putter to go to the police station to file a complaint.

The detective really doesn't care and says that vandalism and aggravated assault are legal in Corpus Christi. Putter is completely amazed to be in a police station. So, Billie Jean goes to Hubie's dad to get the money for the bike repairs. Well, Billie Jean and Co. go to the business that Hubie's dad owns. Hubie's dad tries to rape Billie Jean and Binks steals a gun from the cash register which he uses to shoot Hubie's dad accidentally. There ends up being this big manhunt for the gang who are running away in Ophelia's "Brady Bunch" station wagon that she borrowed from her dad. There's only one radio station in Corpus Christi: C101 and they keep updating you on where Billie Jean is suspected to be at and people talking about how Billie Jean is a hero. You'd probably be wondering why Billie Jean would be the one getting all the press since it was her brother that shot Hubie's dad.

Well, then, there's this cool mall chase scene in which Billie Jean agrees to meet up with Hubie's dad so he can give her the money. He lied and Hubie jumps out of nowhere and starts chasing Billie Jean through the mall with "Rebel Yell" from Billy Idol blaring in the background. They steal some toy guns, you remember the ones that looked real, and fake out the cops with them. They get away.

Mr. Pyatt (Hubie's dad) realizes he can make some money on the Billie Jean Phenomenon and starts selling memorabilia with her picture on it. Billie Jean and the gang go and hide at a rich guy's house. This guy is played by Keith Gordon also famous for "Christine" and "Back to School". Well, there Billie Jean watches an old "Joan of Arc" movie and cuts her hair. She looks pretty hot with the short hair, I must say. She starts buying into the public's misconception that she is a martyr of some sort. She keeps chanting "Fair is fair." referring to getting the money for the bike. She even in one of the most bizarre scenes ever saves an abused boy from his drunken father. He offers her a soda when he realizes she's the great Billie Jean. Then, a bearded idiot and his wife chase Billie Jean and Co. to get the reward money. They end up wrecking their truck and Billie Jean gets away.

Putter has her first period even though I think she was like 20 when this film came out. That's kinda late, don't you think? But the gang was relieved cause at first they thought she was shot. Billie Jean, Binks, and the rich guy take off and call the cops on Ophelia and Putter. The idiot detective grills Ophelia and Putter knowing that they have no clue about where Billie Jean is.

Billie Jean and the rich guy get into an argument over something and split up. Binks wanders off somewhere too. Then, there's a bunch of Billie Jean look-a-likes that reunite the three of them together again. There's a weird scene where Binks dresses up as his sister and the cops actually think it's her. They shoot him.

Then, there's the most epic movie ending ever! Billie Jean confronts Mr. Pyatt, kicks him in the nuts and his memorabilia kiosk accidentally catches fire. The crowd starts to feel guilty that they bought all the Billie Jean t-shirts and throws them into the flames as Pat Benetar's "Invincible" plays in the background.

The movie ends with Binks and Billie Jean skiing in Vermont. You can't ask for a better ending. All in all, "The Legend of Billie Jean", as illogical as it is, works. I think I just kept watching because it was bizarre and unpredictable mixed with a bunch of eighties cheese. I'd watch this legendary classic over that boring movie "The Dark Knight" any day.

Links for 2009-12-31 [Digg]

Fri, 01 Jan 2010 00:00:00 PST

Jasons Warped TV: CNN Breaking News: Facebooks New Competiti
SHOCKER!!! You won't believe it! There's a new social media site that will blow the others out of the water!

Eminem Parody 2

noreply@blogger.com (Jason's Warped TV) — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 13:03:00 +0000

Spongebob Parody

noreply@blogger.com (Jason's Warped TV) — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 06:44:00 +0000

Fairly Oddparents Parody

noreply@blogger.com (Jason's Warped TV) — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 21:31:00 +0000

Saved By the Bell Parody

noreply@blogger.com (Jason's Warped TV) — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 18:43:00 +0000

Links for 2009-12-28 [Digg]

Tue, 29 Dec 2009 00:00:00 PST

Jason's Warped TV Quickspoof Spoofer: Survivor Parody
Cartoon Survivor: LOL!

Links for 2009-12-22 [Digg]

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 00:00:00 PST

Jason's Warped TV: Over the Top Film Video Game Spoof
Over the Top: The Video Game LOL
Jason's Warped TV: Ripped in 4 Weeks Parody
Get ripped like Al Bundy in 4 Weeks, LOL
Jason's Warped TV: Heathcliff the Movie, Part 2
Heathcliff's sequel with a more demented outlook.

Links for 2009-12-15 [Digg]

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 00:00:00 PST

Jason's Warped TV: Grand Theft Auto 5
Grand Theft Auto Vermont LOL