Life dies and renews and dies again impervious to any inward betrayals.

Jay Sennett -

After watching “In the Mood for Love” a few weeks ago, I leapt down the rabbit hole of the interwebs to discover and dwell in the world of the bolero. I spent hours listening to various English and Spanish versions of “Quizas, Quizas, Quizas” and “Perfidia.”

Perfidia (and “Quizas, Quizas, Quizas,” too) has English lyrics written specifically for the melody, as opposed to translated lyrics. A song title that means faithless, treacherous or false (perfidy in English) seems destined to captivate me.

I became enamored with Julie London’s English version of Perfidia and listened repeatedly on Youtube (such is my life at 47.). Sara Montiel grabbed me, too, with this outstanding Spanish version. (Sara has a hotness factor of about 9 million.)

Earlier today I bit the bullet and bought Julie London’s version of Perfidia. Ms. H. had plans to go to a yoga class. We agreed that I would walk home.

Armed with Julie, continuous repeat on my iPhone, my North Face down coat, Gortex boots, wool scarf, wool/cotton beanie, and several layers underneath the down coat, I walked home through an emerging winter storm in snowy conditions that I can only describe as breath taking and perfect.

Something about the sultry tempo of the song, Julie’s sexy, restrained delivery, and the fact that the song was written more than 70 years ago by Alberto Dominguez combined with the bitter cold and blowing snow to create a continuous moment of gratitude.

Perhaps it was the fact that I have finally learned, after only 21 years in the midwest, how to dress for the winter weather. Perhaps it was the fact that beneath my beanie and down hood, I felt like I inhabited my own world, a solo walker in a storm with a warm, grateful heart. Perhaps it was the beauty of the song itself and the knowledge that a man so many years ago could write about the utter sense of betrayal that sometimes comes with love. Perhaps it was the lovely headphones I wore or the fact that I am working on a great project at my job or that I could walk the three miles from the bus station to my house or that I would stop and shake my arms as snow gather in the folds of my coat.

Perhaps it is simply that I am grateful for all of it, the music, the snow, the warm winter clothes, the feeling of being tucked in, the charming woman that was Julie London, the staggering genius of Wong Kar-wai for introducing me to boleros through In the Mood for Love, Alberto Dominguez and for the serendipitous luck that it all came together this evening.

May we find peace in our hearts through all the storms in our lives.

Jay Sennett -

Wong Kar-Wai’s 2000 movie stars Tony Leung and Maggie Cheung. More than any director I know, Wong uses music to further the plot and themes of his movies. Yumeji’s Theme, the music found in this Youtube link, does a fantastic job at rendering in a visceral way the loneliness and disappointment of these two characters. I’m not sure that any dialogue or sub-plot could provide the same emotional tonality.

In the Mood for Love is one of my top ten movies of all time. Wong expects much from his viewers and delivers much in return. I am also of the opinion the Maggie Cheung’s performance cements her standing as one of our greatest living actors.

I enjoyed this movie late one Saturday night. I think it is best viewed that way. Had I still been smoking I’m sure I would have at least three smokes after the movie as I contemplated how very lonely and disappointing love can be.

Jay Sennett -

Life is a laboratory. In life, as in science, it is important for us to recall, respect, and learn from our negative results.

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.

Your biggest regrets contain a storehouse of wisdom — perhaps some of your most important discoveries — yet you still must dare to explore them. – James Shelley, Regret Analysis: The Retention of the Past

As I analyze my own regrets, one of my biggest regrets is that I have not saved more money than I have; or, another more common variant of this regret – I should be better/smarter with money than I have been to date.

When I review the choices that have led to me a place where, realistically, my savings are not robust enough given my age, I see that I have made monetary choices based on short-term gratification rather than long-term gain. I have suffered from an inability to recognize the long-term consequences  of a short-term shot of the buying anything drug.

(As a friend said to me recently, “the anticipation has always been, and probably always will be, more rewarding than the thing it self.”)

With regret, there has been for me an unproductive self-flagellation. That allows me to me to beat myself up – which proves that I am a good person because I beat myself up when I am bad. But it also keeps me from changing. The self-flagellation becomes the action.

But as James Shelley points out in his essay, bad choices “are experiments through which we learn.” Indeed, I can vouch from my own experiences that spending in the moment will lead to a rather tiny savings account.

So as a defense against future regret, this year I intend to save more of my income, such that by the end of 2012 I will be saving, on average, per month, about 60% of my income. At the end of 2012 I will review what new regrets I may have generated during this experiment. Wish me luck!

What does regret analysis bring up for you?

Jay Sennett -

For the first twenty-three days of November I wrote more words than in the previous two years, more than 51,000 words, actually. As part of national novel writing month, I began the novel on November 1 and finished on November 23.

With my outline in hand, I began and wrote everyday. I found the process exhilirating and difficult. The sentences poured forth, sometimes 5,000 words combined over two two-hour writing periods. At times it felt like a weakling’s attempt to control a fire hose on full throttle. During my most productive weekend I wrote over 8,000 words.

Since shutting down Facebook and Twitter my ability to focus has increased. As a writer it has to. Without focus I skim the surface. Without focus I possessed no ability to complete this novel. But even with some hard focus ability, I hovered too close to the surface.

But that is why all writers rewrite. The first is just simply to get the words down.

What I am grateful for is this: both the time and the desire to write this novel. I am also grateful for a supportive partner and for the newly found willingness and ability to stay in my seat to keep writing.

While focus isn’t everything in writing, I think it’s about 65 to 70 percent of the game winning strategy.

Jay Sennett -

Cal Newport at Study Hacks writes about the value of hard focus to achieve anything worthwhile.

He quotes from Haruki Murakami’s memoir What I Talk About When I Talk About Writing (page 77):

If I’m asked what the next most important quality is for a novelist, that’s easy too: focus — the ability to concentrate all your limited talents on whatever’s critical at the moment. Without that you can’t accomplish anything 

With my outline as my guide I’ve made considerable progress on this novel. More than I thought possible. Without the hard focus Newport and Murakami describe my words could not have become sentences and those sentences, paragraphs.

Hard focus opens up a place in my mind that resembles one of those windows described by speculative fiction writers that allows mortals to time travel. If the window closes, they are stuck in another time period, with no way to get home.  I’ve concluded that I don’t like it when the window closes.

By writing every day with hard focus I keep that window open and the words come. I do not wish to convey any hocus-pocus about my process. I don’t believe there is much mystery to writing. Read well and broad, pay attention to the world around me and write every day. That’s not mystery, that’s hard work brought into existence by hard focus.

Somehow since my last attempt at writing a novel in 2001 I have managed to discipline myself to write in periods of about 90 minutes. This weekend I intend to write past the 90 minute window. As I reflect on this path I on, which may very become the career I wish to master, I am awed at both the simplicity and difficulty of hard focus.

I’m also grateful for a life in which I can focus hard on a novel.

How does hard focus work in your life?

Jay Sennett -

Tie: Grenadine by Drakes of London/Shirt: John Nordstrom/Sweater: Ralph Lauren

I’ve pondered constraining my clothing choices of late. In the act of preparing for my work day, I have spent anywhere from 10-20 minutes deciding what to wear. In part because I have a too colorful shirt collection, I don’t have a truly multi-functional wardrobe.

Yesterday I changed all that. I bought five blue shirts: one french blue and four pale blue shirts. They have the same herringbone pattern and the same collar. My current body recomposition project (all weights all the time!), my now older shirt wardrobe no longer fit. My neck has grown so much that in some instances the collar ends were three-quarters of an inch apart.

Now that I have collars that I can close, I am going to explore wearing the same (save one) blue shirt every day and rotate ties, sweaters and jackets. My hope is that I will think less about my daily dress, look better and convey an image of consistency and reliability. This I am calling my work uniform.

What about you: how do you handle dressing and clothes?

Jay Sennett -

Scrivner is the software I’m using. I’m almost 10% towards my goal of 50,000 words. I  have attempted in the past to write a novel and failed. Without an outline I rambled. The plot suffered as did character development.

This time I have an outline. Boy, what a difference an outline makes. For me I now have a map directing me along particular plot lines. By having plot points in place, I’m free to write below the surface of things.

I’m very lucky that I have been willing to let myself make another attempt at a novel. I see now that the earlier novel suffered not because I’m a loser but because I had not created the structures I needed to succeed. One structure I need for success is the novel outline.

Who knew?

Jay Sennett -

The power went out in our building this morning.

No email. No internet. No computers. No computing.

I remember a time when, without power, I could have continued working.  A pencil  and some paper work well powered by my human hand. Without that process in place this morning, I tried instead to focus on my breathing and marvel at how much face-to-face contact happened once the flip had been switched.

Jay Sennett -

….Things leave your system, and then you sit there wondering where the previous you went. Then, you stop asking that question.

In sifting through my belongings, deciding which are assets and which no longer have a purpose in my life, I found a watch band I bought in Santa Fe, New Mexico in 1989. At that time I was preparing to leave the country to live in Taiwan. The  watch band became a talisman, representative of the known and unknown changes I unleashed in my life. I wore that band through my travels in Asia, through my sobriety and through my transition and early manhood.

About four years ago the elastic-like metal band broke. I attempted to have it replaced by an old watch dealer in Ann Arbor. He no longer carried that style and declared it old-fashioned. I bought another watch and wore that one, and still wear it today.

Holding the old band in my hands, I understood that the earlier regeneration represented by this old, Zuni-crafted band was complete. That me was gone. That me had left a newer me  without my knowledge. I wondered yesterday where the old me went. That last cycle of regeneration ended, I believe, with my back injury in December 2009.

A new cycle of regeneration has begun with the closing of my facebook and twitter accounts. As to how long this one will last, only time will tell.

Jay Sennett -