As 2025 begins, I am noticing that my clients need a more resilient, generous way of repairing the disharmony they create.

Saying I am sorry is not nearly enough especially if the hurtful remark, the sarcasm, the domineering posture has been ongoing.

We all come into our relationships with character flaws – bad communication habits that came from childhood hurts. Ie.,”  Nobody will ever get close ever again. “ “ I get to tell you everything that I think and feel just like my mother did “

These reactions are defensive in nature  and so automatic we  barely notice the effect on our loved ones or ourselves.

Many folks tell me their anger comes whooshing out before they notice. They believe they have no control. “ It’s just the way I am. “

Changing this perception is  the work of accountability and repair. We cannot be authentic, wise adults  if our self is rooted in immature beliefs.

Becoming conscious of the ways we need to become wiser, more mature, more  adult is the work that I do with my clients.

It requires toleration of discomfort and commitment to becoming  a better version of yourself. Drafting an apology and acknowledgement of wrong doing is a great way to create new neural pathways in the nervous system and create second order change for your relationship and your family.

Christmas is a much happier event when parents can stay grounded, not loose their traditional cool.

The post Apologies Worth Making in 2025 first appeared on Jayne Weatherbe.

What if your relatiosnhip blossomed ? Your life became more caring ? more daring?

I have helped thousands of individuals and couples create safety, peace and joy in their homes and bedrooms.

After 40 years of challenge in my own sometimes rocky marriage, I am confident I can help you chart a new course for yours.

Optimizing the skills for creating a blissful future demands discipline, courage and a fresh mindset.

Shedding old habits and thought patterns is necessary so a more authentic, collaborative, and wiser you can emerge.

Don’t just grow old, grow wiser !!

With the right coaching this can be done. I would love to be your guide.

Please contact me at info@jayneweatherbe.ca or jayneweatherbe.therapy@gmail.com

The post Make 2025 your BEST year EVER !! first appeared on Jayne Weatherbe.

Over the next few weeks I will blog about his ideas beginning with 5 Common Loosing Strategies. These are :

1. Unbridled Self Expression

2. Needing to be Right

3. Controlling your Partner

4. Retaliation

5. Withdrawal

In my practise right now, I am seeing a lot of unbridled self expression. The pandemic has cooped us up and threatened us like no other phenomena in recent history. In the therapy room people let loose with feelings and experiences they have kept to themselves. Much of this is therapy in action.

Eventually many young feelings and needs must be contained and soothed from within by the the Inner Parent and Wise Adult. Committed relationships bring up flaws that every person has from imperfect childhoods. Many believe these wounded parts are to be shared and healed by our partner. And in some circumstances that’s true – just not from the Inconsolable Wounded Child part. The Wise Adult needs to reassure the child part that she/ he will be looked after from within. Then the wise adult can negotiate with the partner for needs and wants that are about present day. In this brilliant way we can overcome our childhood hurts and create new brain cells that cope with present day challenges and opportunities for true intimacy.

Unbridled self expression was described recently by a client as “a fire hose of feelings” all focused on her partner. The intensity can be exhilarating for the fire hose and demoralizing for the receiver of said hosing. Challenging unbridled self expression is a risk that needs to be taken by the therapist to assist in adult and couple development. This challenge is often met with resistance, rage, resentment pure fury. The client in this instance is being challenged at his/her very core of adaptation. This strategy and the underlying belief system “I did not get enough attention as a child therefore You have to provide it now OR I was falsely empowered so I should get whatever I want whenever I want it” is rooted in early childhood development. The idea that all feelings are equally valuable, authentic and should be shared spontaneously to increase closeness is false. This rarely engenders generosity or transparency in the other.

A good relationship embodies :

1. The wise adult guided by the prefrontal cortex. We must be relaxed, calm and alert to manifest this part. An inner sense of safety is essential for the prefrontal cortex to engage.

2. The wounded vulnerable child part needs to be soothed and looked after by the wise adult and good parent. Tending to this part is an inside job wherever possible. A boundary is created when the good parent notices the feelings, needs and wants of our young self. An inner dialogue that is compassionate and understanding helps the inner orphan feel safe.

Below your conscious awareness your autonomic nervous system is questioning whether you are safe. The answer will determine whether your prefrontal cortex is in charge. Since all relationships have an element of danger even at the best of times, the capacity to stay in the present moment in the wise part of the brain will determine your relationship success.

Negative feelings and thoughts represent incomplete scenarios from the past. They can easily cover up the experience of the present moment and create  a negative future. Unless we change our thoughts and feelings to allow ambiguity we recreate a future based on negative past. Meditation clears the brain, allows more oxygen, opens us up. We can take the risks that are needed for a differentiated life.

The post 5 Common Mistakes in Relationships first appeared on Jayne Weatherbe.

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When an old trigger showed up over the holidays, I catapulted  into a snake pit of despair -taking several others with me. Luckily I have folks who support  and challenge me to  ” get over it”, to “get into the present moment. ” Finding humility, gratitude and self compassion, gradually transformed my tragic state.

Then I entered into a 6 day cleanse and fast. Clear fluids only with 4 hydrotherapy sessions. All this in preparation for a colonoscopy. I was challenged by this choice. But enjoyed it more than I could imagine. My mental acuity sharpened, I had a nice level of domestic energy, and my intuition and patience deepened. I developed a more coherent, stronger sense  of myself such that the earlier pain was softened, almost gone.

Instead of imaging the worst, I am now thinking about what I want in 2021.       I’m wondering what it will be like when the last vaccine is jabbed into somebody’s arm, when the last case of COVID 19 is eradicated.

Among other things, next December I hope to have a big party where I perform my newest Solearis solo. I want to be a kinder warmer parent and friend.

The post What I Have Learned from the Pandemic first appeared on Jayne Weatherbe.

Who would’ve guessed it ??? Education in sex and relationships is good for everybody. Many of us keep up to date in our field of work, leisure, sport and musical activity. Why not sexuality ?

A great book has come out recently by two Canadian researchers Peggy Kleinplatz, Ph.D. and A. Dana Menard, Ph.D. from University of Ottawa: Magnificent Sex – Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers. Their team interviewed key informants – men and women who were over 60 and had been together for 25 + years, members of a sexual minority groups and sex therapists. These informants came to be seen by the interview team as ” extraordinary lovers.” They had much  to teach us about optimal sexual experiences.

Research into GREAT  sex has not been studied extensively. Problematic sex –  erectile failures, premature ejaculation, painful intercourse, lack of orgasm, low sexual desire – has been researched forever.Volumes of advice, both academic and cultural  ( think movies, Cosmopolitan, porn +++ Tips, tricks and toys galore. ), is available anywhere anytime. Sex therapy has focused on the restoration of sexual function.

I had the good fortune of working with sex therapists David Schnarch and Ruth Morehouse early in my career. My sexual education began in earnest  then as we set our sites on grander ” eyes open orgasms” and beyond.

Around that time  my colleagues from the BCAMFT ( British Columbia Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, the Canadian division of AAMFT American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy ) and I conducted a day-long, free  workshop for Valentine’s Day. Five of us took a different topic regarding relationship wellbeing and presented  for an hour. My topic of course was sexuality. I entitled my talk “Sex is Not a Natural Function.” I intended to describe the components of Erotic Sexuality – the attitudes, the characteristics of individuals and couples and  the components of intensely satisfying sexual contact i.e., the work, the determination, the reworking of sexual scripts. In  the press release describing our workshop my talk was changed by SOMEBODY to : Sex IS a Natural Function. ( emphasis is mine ) I was gobsmacked until I realized : this  change illustrated one of the pervasive myths about  sex –  it’s natural, easy, spontaneous. While this is true in some cases, MAGNIFICENT sex  is another “beast.” Under the pressure of regular  life, sex can become routine – an efficient way to ” get the job done” so we can say we had sex.That it is serviceable only is barely noticed.

To get back to the research -all the couples in this study had a certain ” joie de vivre” about all parts of their life. This certainly  informed their sex life. Older lovers were clear that experience and maturity created better love-making despite some serious illnesses and disabilities. The length of the relationship added to the delight and capacity for trust.

Spirituality,  connection and willingness to learn new things about themselves and their lovers replaced performance and physicality.

Great sex did not  have intercourse or orgasm as the main goal. When it happened , it was  more like icing on a cake. All ingredients were  “cooked just right.” Men and women alike were invested in an embodied experience that was just “safe enough.” Or as one of my middle aged clients described her recent experience with her new husband -” sharing, caring and daring.”

In my experience as a therapist, disappointing sex can be transformed. It is good judgment not to want sex that is ho hum. If it’s not worth wanting, it’s not worth wanting.

Remembering  times of intense  sexual longing, envisioning ” our best sex ” and maximizing our mind set can be a path towards erotic willingness. The authors  were not interested in adding to the pressure surrounding sex, they have been clear about the choice and desire to develop the crucial skills.

Stay tuned to this website for more information about these skills.

The post Magnificent Sex – Sharing, Caring and Daring first appeared on Jayne Weatherbe.

How to adjust to your entire relational world being confined to one place. Part 1

The post How to adjust to your entire relational world being confined to one place. Part 1 first appeared on Jayne Weatherbe.

I have been speaking with clients all week about their regular,come-to-see-Jayne, issues as well as their concerns and fears about the virus.Some clients have been deemed essential servers and need to show up at work regardless of their home  responsibilities or feelings about putting themselves on the front line. Others expect to be mandated into preventative quarantine for longer than a few days just to do their job for the long haul. These folks have extra stack stress. I hope to continue to support them by Facetime and prayer.

Mindfulness and embodiment techniques   have helped these folks through telephone contact only. Sensing the energy or lack thereof in your legs, feet, ankles  and outside edges can help bring  energy back to these crucial areas so that a sense of grounding and being in the moment can be re-established. This sense of being with YOUR inner resources can help navigate  the current crisis.

Surviving is critical, but so is the capacity to strive effectively and also thrive. Good problem solving requires the best part of our brain; ie., the neocortex, to be engaged. Not too much anxiety, but not too little either- like Goldilocks -” just right – ” relaxed and alert”. Being able to shift your brain state from primitive, reptilian fear -based to more warm-blooded, limbic is a crucial skill. We do need physical distancing just now, but not social distancing. Human beings need each other to survive, strive and thrive.

Moving up the phylogenic scale to the neo-cortex part of the brain will enable a bigger more compassionate perspective. I am so relieved and grateful that The Times Colonist and Jawl family initiated a way to donate funds for the vulnerable population of Victoria. Many families and individuals  are desperate and need our care. Do what you can to support those most vulnerable. It’s an investment in all our futures and use of your best self which should help you feel like a good citizen.

The post Non Panic Ways to Manage Coronavirus Anxiety first appeared on Jayne Weatherbe.

Step one in a useless relationship argument goes like this… somebody has an experience that is hurtful, frightening, upsetting, wounding etc… and believes it was done on purpose. The partner is rude, crude and obnoxious.

Case file building #101 begins : ” if she really loved me, she wouldn’t flirt like that”, “if he really cared, he’d wear that nice shirt I bought him”. Confirmation bias is at it’s strongest when paired unconsciously with childhood experiences of neglect, abandonment, cruelty or exploitation. We ignore information that runs counter to our righteous convictions. “Only one person – ME, can be right!!!!!”

We tend to attribute negative characteristics to others when we’re in this primitive brain state. It’s not that they’ve had a bad day, it’s that they’re a bad person and we’re trapped forever in a dangerous relationship. Thinking like this gets the conversation ramped up and escalating out of control of usually both people.

If you want to create more effective arguments, do the following;

1. Within 10 seconds of a complaint or criticism you need to validate that statement. “I can see how you might feel bad (sad, angry, upset or hurt) in that situation. “I am sorry for my actions. I’ll try not to do it again. Can you forgive me ??”

2. Instead of saying “you always” or “you never”, say what you would like your partner to do. “I’m going to be busy this week and I don’t want to do the laundry, Could you do it instead?”

3. Stop criticizing and asking questions! A negative confrontational style can be replaced with “I” messages. “I am wondering…”, “I am thinking…”I am feeling…” These are more vulnerable but create a safer more collaborative conversation. Then ask the question… for example : ” I was feeling lonely last night, what took you so long to get home?”

These 3 steps done in a reflective way will take your relationship
in a positive direction. Over time bonds will flourish and you’ll have what most people desire but cannot easily create.

Stay tunes for Part 2

The post Stop Fighting the Useless Fights (Part 1 of 2) first appeared on Jayne Weatherbe.

Our understanding about erotic coupling over the long haul must evolve too. Being intentional about how, when, where and why you initiate sexual contact is part of keeping the charge SEXY!!!! Erotic couples have rituals, not routine that signal availability. Both partners can and do initiate the action with the understanding that “No, not now, not that way” is an acceptable answer. In order to say “YES”, no must be allowed.

Being able to be present – alert and relaxed in close proximity to a beloved makes a great lover. You can always tell which couple will be going home to open their arms to each other as opposed to their phones.

The post Long Term Committed Relationships- the Challenges and the Rewards first appeared on Jayne Weatherbe.