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I’m slowly warming up to Integral.  And, I never thought I’d see the day, but I’m getting involved in an Integral community.

WTF?

How could a guy like me who has judged the shit out of the “Integral people” be getting involved in Integral?

There is only one real reason.

Integral is getting relational.  At least in Boulder…

That’s right. It’s time to deal with the “Lower left” as they say in the integral world. Ken Wilber is supporting relational development. And, two men I dig and respect a ton are spearheading the project.

The Integralist (a person who studies and attempts to practice Integral theory) has often come across as very arrogant to me. Their mantra has been “transcend and include” yet it lands more like “transcend and exclude.”

I have had three main complaints with the Integral camp.

Complaint number one: It ain’t accessible

Integral is brilliant stuff. And, Ken’s books are not accessible to the mainstream person. And, very few of his followers, if any, have bridged the gap to reach a mainstream person, let alone other highly evolved spiritual people. It’s super high-level philosophy on consciousness, which is part of its detriment.

Integral isn’t going to change the world if most of us can’t access it. Buddhism made inroads and stuck in the West because teachers like Trungpa Rinpoche brought the core teachings down to street-level accessibility. He took off his robes and met people where they were at.

Complaint two: Its people are relationally challenged

Many times I have found myself with the Integralists and heard such phrases like “He’s so green, or they are so green” (while they roll their eyes and bond with each other). It’s said in a very prideful way with the underlying message being “I’m more spiritually developed than you are.”  When I take a closer look at these people’s lives I continue to see major incongruencies.

These same integral people talk a big game about how “conscious” they are, yet their relational lives are as messy as anyone else.  And, even their founder, Ken Wilber himself is known to be relationally challenged. The Marc Gafni story is a good example. Or how about how the folks at Integral Life have yet to acknowledge the new Integral Center publicly?

As you know my chief complaint of us “spiritual practitioners” is that while we have tons of self-awareness and spiritual depth, we still struggle relationally.  More on that here.

Complaint number three: Its practitioners are disembodied

My last major beef with Integral people has been that they are in their heads. Their brilliant minds have kept them out of their bodies, a smart strategy for anyone whose immediate somatic experience is unexplored, threatening, or overwhelming.  This would be no problem if Integralists just owned and acknowledged this. But in my experience they rarely have.

So, because of these three main judgments (yup, I’m judging here), I have steered clear of Integral stuff for many years.  I know, my problem, not theirs.  Yet the impact of their behavior on me remains clear: I have been disinterested and avoidant. I’m guessing I’m not alone here.

So, given my complaints what is different now? Why am I changing my tune?

Integral is getting more embodied and relational.

Thanks to my friend Decker at Authentic World and Robert MacNaughton (now Executive Director of The Integral Center) embodied relationship practice (i.e. circling) is gaining some momentum as a fun, legitimate practice in Integral land.

These two characters invited me to be a part of a core group helping pull off the new Integral Center, what I’m calling the new “relationship center.” I’m psyched because I get to be surrounded with a lot of talented people who are committed to the relationship work it takes to live and walk the conscious community talk.

So, thanks to Decker and Robert, I have transformed my “beef” with Integral into appreciation and respect. Seriously.  Thanks brothers! And, thank you Ken Wilber and friends for what I’m now seeing as a brilliant map and model of consciousness.

And, Ken and company should take some serious notes from these two men who are making Integral accessible. Because of Decker and Robert, I opened myself to Integral teachers like Diane Hamilton who is a walking force of grace.  And because of my 30 minutes with her, I finally was able to appreciate Ken Wilber in a way I was closed off to before.

I am really digging the Integral view and all that it has to offer. I am willing to be a student and simply learn. But, make no mistake. You won’t bust me on the can reading any Ken Wilber book any time soon. Nonsense. Well, at least not yet. And, I’m still turned off by how most Integralists (outside of Boulder) come across.

Here in Boulder I will be promoting events at the Integral Center and hosting my own events and groups there such as The Boulder Men’s Experience, a couples group (stay tuned), and a even a parenting class.

I have clients complain all the time about how alone they feel. That no one can meet them relationally. They long for a conscious community. Now I have a great place to send them. A bold assertion is being made with Decker and Robert’s vision. And, even if the Integral “relationship” Center fails, it is already a very fun place to hang out with other people getting real and learning to do authentic relationship and deep community.

Go Boulder Integral Center go!

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If you want to be involved, just click here to sign up. You’ll get tons of free classes and events paid for and be surrounded with friends who care about what’s really going on and who want the real, raw, you and will settle for nothing less.

Lastly, if you are passionate about learning more about yourself through the vehicle of relationship, you might want to check out the Aletheia relating event in late July! Save that date.

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Here’s Nomali’s very long reply (Here’s her full note if you want to read it and other comments), followed by my reply back:

Dear Jayson,

Back in 1996, one of my heros, my dad was diagnosed with cancer in the liver. He survived a mere five months after diagnosis. In those few months, I watched him unable to keep a single bite of food in his mouth for longer than 3 seconds, I watched him hooked up to a saline drip for weeks. Once his tumor finally ruptured, I held a bowl to his mouth as he uncontrollably threw up blood in his final hours. I watched him take his last breath.

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At this time, I used to be a fashion designer in Sri Lanka, and up until my dad’s death, I had zero interest in spirituality, psychology, human development, or anything that could belong in that general arena of study and practice. Zero.

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However, this single event in my life, my dad’s rapid death rocked me out of every single anything that I thought I knew. It had me shaken to the core of my being. It is what suddenly out of nowhere had me asking questions like, “What is this thing I hear about life being precious?,” “Why are we here, really?” “wtf is this world around me and who are all these other people around me?” “Why do I hurt, hate, heal, live, learn, lust, love? “Who am I, really?” This personal tragic loss of my dad unwrapped for me a most shining jewel, a journey of Unknowing, Unlearning, Integrating.

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These questions (and more) had me gripped. Looking back, those questions were like comforting pillows that I could lean on in my grief. They lit me up, and I started to feel a fire in my belly, in my head, in my heart. They eventually led me to monasteries and meditations centers where I discovered and dived deep, DEEP, into endless hours of meditation. I loved the many monks, teachers and “seekers” I encountered during this time and I really began to feel like a new person. I also became a bit of a joyful hatha yoga fanatic at this time. While things were going fine in this birthing of my spiritual life (the gift I got from my dad’s death), I was still feeling like there was more, that there is still a bigger picture to my reality, bigger answers needed for my bigger questions, and something still felt fragmented. I was bumping into walls of an old culture, I felt unseen by most who were around me, I was getting sick of my design business, I couldn’t quite still understand my experience of life quite as fully.

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And then it happened. In a humble retreat center I haunted in a tiny rural town called Nilambe, I came across a book with a bald man on the cover. I wasn’t a big reader ever in my life, really, but something had me pick up that book. I read just a few pages, and, bang, I was hooked. I couldn’t put it down until I turned the last page. Mind you, I had hardly read any books at all let alone those in English. By the end of that book, I was just starting to learn about something called “integral.” I felt like I found a new friend. My mind was exploding, my heart was jumping, my curiosity killing me, my soul was met and I fell to my knees in a whole new kind of gratitude only a few hundred times.

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This one book led me to seeking out more Wilber books. The way that I acquired those books–as there are no bookstores selling that type of book in Sri Lanka–is a whole other story! In the next few months, because of those Wilber books I dived deeply into, I found so many missing pieces to my puzzles. I found deep wisdom and compassion in my practice. I feel I matured a ton. I walked more upright than ever feeling and appreciating deeply my body. I became wildly curious about humanity in those near and far. And I felt finally who my dad might have been, how I could have met him in ways that our relationship could have been dearly richer. During this rich time in my life, I learned and lived my grief ever more fully, letting go, letting in, letting Be.

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Next, that is how I was led to taking big, bold risks. It became clear to me that I had to meet others who lived a bigger life than I could in the old ways of Sri Lanka. I felt my wings were clipped in my own homeland. So, in 2002, because I had read that there was some ‘integral’ activity going on in a place called Colorado, where I have never been to, and knew not a single person, I decided to rapidly to go through a painful process of unclipping those wings. I packed two suit cases, closed my business, hugged my family and friends and took several flights to Boulder, Colorado, USA.

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After a few months in Boulder, I got to meet Ken Wilber and a whole bunch of other enthusiasts. We started several projects such as Integral Naked, Integral Seminars, etc. I met the most AMAZING souls! At those seminars, we would stay up late in awe of each other. We studied, practiced, loved each other. And just like in any start up, in this tiny community, we also struggled immensely. Our human-ness came out in full force both for the best and worst. Plenty shadow popped up, our “faith” took massive hits, we argued, we cried. And now as I look back, I dare not ever have had it any other way.

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So, Jayson, I don’t have to get in to theory or philosophy that points towards a profound territory, but I am sharing this tiny blip of a huge personal story–one that is beautiful to me–with you, with the hope that maybe you will see just how much life I have jumped into, what risks I have taken, how much I have tried to be my Highest, how much more aware and alive I have become as a result of my encountering “integral.” You may not experience me that way at all, but I wonder if you can for a moment step into my shoes.

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And I am not alone in that. There are so many stories of how so many of us moved to Boulder to get involved in the ‘integral scene’ even though we had no idea what we were walking into. We were just blown-away, humbled, and awed by the potential. We asked for almost nothing in return–and in our ‘new-ness’–we didn’t know about organizational development (hence many an organizational collapse eventually). We came with our inspiring stories of how we got here. I remember sweet Jason Lange sharing with us how he would listen to Wilber while cleaning toilets late at night at a boy’s home. The heart-felt, sincere reasons for why many of us were moved by integral and why we moved our minds, hearts and bodies towards integral are countless, Jayson.

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I am truly sorry that you have had such a negative experience of some of us, probably including me. And, yes, you are right: you are not alone in that. While I cannot apologize for others, I will apologize for myself. I feel pretty shitty that this has been your felt sense. And I would feel that way about anyone experiencing anyone for that matter in the way you described the integral community. Personally, I will make myself available anytime if you would like to connect more. Get to know me a tad more . . . No pressure. I certainly never meant any arrogance toward you knowingly.

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Having felt that shittiness around appearing arrogant, I am also holding this whole other perspective. Because you specifically tagged me in one of your your blog comments, I will speak. And I will readily admit, I am starting to write this from somewhat of a contracted place.

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 For those who have not read the blog I speak of, it is here: http://www.jaysongaddis.com/2012/03/my-beef-with-integral-and-why-it%E2%80%99s-changing/

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I wish you, as someone who is a “relator,” would have merely taken a moment to ask me, what had me so inspired? What did integral give me? What has it emotionally, spiritually really meant for me, or “us” as in these people you describe in your blog? Personally, I would have LOVED if you shared your experience of us/integral community with me. Simply put, instead of “judging the shit out them,” what might have happened had you tried on a bit of curiosity?

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When I read this blog of yours, Jayson, I didn’t see any such sincere curiosity.  You don’t even know so many of us and our journeys, and yet when you made such general statements about something that has given me so much, something that has been so precious to me, you diminished my experience like highlighting a whole, huge chapter and hitting “control + alt + delete.” That hurts.

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I am aware you weren’t writing this personally to me. But when you take a community to which I have belonged, I will take it personally at least to some degree. I am only human. And when it feels like someone is attacking/belittling/mocking something that is a gift to me, I find it hard not to want to protect what I love (even if I have plenty qualms too). I hope you can understand that – but I really have no expectation of you to do so, as I actually do honour and respect your experience as it is/was.

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We don’t really know each other that much. However, I have appreciated your work as a teacher for a long time, and in my own way, I have on many occasions promoted you/your work. I have specifically written to you about exploring if there were ways you could have done a men’s group at the old Boulder Integral. I had a great time when you invited me once to one of your men’s trainings. I have spoken of personal difficult events in my life with you. I have welcomed your advice. I am sitting in sadness now to think that the way you experienced me is still probably how you describe these ‘integral’ people: arrogant, heady, disembodied. I am OK if, in fact, that is how I am. I just wish you could be OK with me too if that is how I am, and whether you’d have been willing to also be curious about other sides of me.

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When I first started writing this, I mostly wanted to share how I felt reading your blog, but maybe I will try and respond to a few points you raised here, because I do appreciate you stating them. I will respond only as me. I am not speaking for anyone else in the ‘integral’ world, whatever that maybe. I will fall into using the word, “we” sometimes and I apologize ahead of time if I may actually go into speaking for others, but I promise to be careful. The usage of the word “we” or “they,” generally without naming names will mean many people I know to be safely and fondly known as friends.

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You wrote: “… I never thought I’d see the day, but I’m getting involved in an Integral community……There is only one real reason. Integral is getting relational. At least in Boulder…”

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This has me smiling, Jayson. I am truly stoked that you will get an audience that will truly appreciate you here. I feel it with joy. I see that may happen to many young and upcoming teachers and I wish for business growth too.

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As for getting “integral getting relational,” actually, Jayson, they maybe not huge, but there are integral practicing/study groups all over the world. People who actually love each other and relate with each other. Some groups I know of are just 3 – 5 people hungrily getting together weekly in someone’s home, and there are other larger groups such as in Germany, Australia, Canada, Seattle, New York, London, the Bay Area. They come together in their own version of community. It works for them in many ways and they have their struggles too. Yes, generally speaking, for the most part, integral has attracted introverted, mostly white men, fairly “heady”/intellectual types, who tend to be shy, tend to want so much to grow, tend to think a little too big than they need to. Typically, as modeled by the lead figure, Wilber, there are a ton of Enneagram 5’s, 9’s in the integral community. Nothing wrong with that, is there?

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We are ones who can get ourselves into a little corner and disappear into a rather dense book for several days or weeks at a time and come out feeling alive, then seek friends, and we love to have geeky, integral communion. May not work for you, but can you accept that for some of us, this has been such a friggin tickle? We get so giddy, you obviously have no idea. The thing for me, Jayson, is that its OK with me. Is it OK with you that certain others may do relationship in other ways to your own preferred ways? Of course, I too am of the opinion that we can all learn to relate much, much better. But I am not going to judge someone’s subjective (or intersubjective) experience as better or worse. It is not a stagnant reality out there for me to point fingers at.

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You wrote: “It’s time to deal with the “Lower left” as they say in the integral world. Ken Wilber is supporting relational development. And, two men I dig and respect a ton are spearheading the project.”

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Yep, easily, I will admit that the integral world, with all its depth and breath, has lacked bringing out a truly great and easily accessible relational practice such as Circling, for example. Decker Cunov and others who have developed it, and continue to manifest as fantastic, learning, growing leaders, I’m loving them too. I want to be more like that! And I am really, really grateful and more trusting of the two leaders you speak of here, Decker and Robert, because they have actually taken the time and effort to study/practice integral, and I know that they know that the “lower left” is only one aspect of what we really mean and aspire to as “being integral.” In integral, we hope that we don’t have just one bulging area of practice.

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You wrote: The Integralist (a person who studies and attempts to practice Integral theory)

That just had me laughing in a loving way. From where did you get that definition? Well, that is true to some degree. There is also a bigger “integral stage developmental thingy” that would need to be included that I am not really going to get into here. I think we can all just choose to give our own true-but-partial definition to anything we choose.

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You wrote: Complaint number one: It ain’t accessible

Integral is brilliant stuff. And, Ken’s books are not accessible to the mainstream person. And, very few of his followers, if any, have bridged the gap to reach a mainstream person, let alone other highly evolved spiritual people. It’s super high-level philosophy on consciousness, which is part of its detriment.

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Well, yes, Ken’s work is pretty dense and will put most people to sleep. However, how can you just say it is not accessible, period? Can you accept or state these rather as your own opinions? There are plenty of us to whom it has been accessible. There are thousands of people who love integral and have read it in several languages. We get what we do, and leave behind what we don’t. Those thousands may not be enough to make a big world-cultural shift and solve all problems of the planet, but, there are a lot of us to whom integral is, if I dare say, the only thing that is accessible and makes sense.

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Integral is still very, very new. Because it is new, you won’t find big world leaders speaking about integral (although, Bill Clinton mentioned Wilber at a World Economic Forum, and Al Gore praised his work as well and Oprah read Wilber and, well, no need for a fancy list here, but a fancy list does exist What matters is that “normal” everyday people, albeit highly dedicated people are making lots of differences in people’s lives using their knowledge of integral.

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Just to offer a few examples: Joanne Hunt and Laura Divine formed a coaching school (Integral Coaching Canada) from which hundreds have found tremendous self-transformation and have developed skills to serve others. Gail Hochachka has developed incredible sustainability and international development programs that she has implemented in third world nations (El Salvador and Nigeria). The United Nations a few years ago took on an AIDS prevention program to be implemented in South Africa that was researched and executed by a team of people (including, I think, Barrett Brown) who were primarily using integral theory. That is just a few to name . . .

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There are lots of simple, ordinary people doctors, lawyers, business owners, writers, educationists, therapists, artists who are applying there knowledge of integral into tremendous service in their workplaces. And If I may say so, I consider myself to be someone in my own little way have contributed to developing programs such as the Integral Incubator using my own knowledge of integral theory & practice, which led to my being invited to South America to teach how to apply it to leadership and relationship to over 125 people who have never heard of integral.

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And speaking of integral not being accessible, Jayson, I am from Sri Lanka. I didn’t even finish high school. English is a second language for me (hence the awful writing). Yet, when I picked up a Wilber book, it was like falling into the arms of a loving friend. It was completely accessible to me. I took the time to see what was meant by those philosophies and how I could practice them in my own life. It resonated for me. It saw my potential to grow: personally, relationally, behaviorally/in my physicality and socially. It is the one thing that has most helped me take perspectives of others and to honour the rich complexity (and simplicity) in us.

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What it didn’t force me to believe was that it was some kind of be all-end all. It told me where I needed development and how to seek it. It gave me freedom to choose. If I were needing to develop in my inner spiritual practice, it gives me freedom to go to the Insight Meditation Society or go to a Diane Hamilton weekend course. If I needed to focus on physical development, it gives me the freedom to hit the gym or see Rob Mcnamara. If I were to focus on creating a plan for my career, it gives me the freedom to join a program like the Incubator or a business workshop and work on strategic plans, holacracy, etc. If I am to focus on my interpersonal/relational work, it gives me the freedom to go to a Circling event or a coach like Jayson Gaddis.

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What ever we want to learn, and depending on the depth and degree to which we want to engage, anything will require some commitment. Nothing is just simply accessible just like that. Whether it is math or engineering or buddhism or hair-dressing or psychotherapy or Circle facilitation, they all need some commitment for what is beyond the surface.

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You wrote: Complaint two: Its people are relationally challenged

Many times I have found myself with the Integralists and heard such phrases like “He’s so green, or they are so green” (while they roll their eyes and bond with each other). It’s said in a very prideful way with the underlying message being “I’m more spiritually developed than you are.” When I take a closer look at these people’s lives I continue to see major incongruencies.

These same integral people talk a big game about how “conscious” they are, yet their relational lives are as messy as anyone else. And, even their founder, Ken Wilber himself is known to be relationally challenged. The Marc Gafni story is a good example. Or how about how the folks at Integral Life have yet to acknowledge the new Integral Center publicly? Ego much? Hmmm.

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Yes, God knows (and little me knows) Integral has immense room to improve here as we do tend to just group up with us geeks for the most part. Boy, do we know that. And I don’t think we are as “relationally challenged” as you seem to imagine. That is your truth, sure, but, heavens, you really assume that to be a fact? I think I have already addressed some of this above. Also, seriously, there are people within the integral community that have great relationships, marriages, partnerships, believe it or not.

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There are a ton of great leaders in the world who are not known for their relational skills. That doesn’t mean they are to be judged as less “relational” than you. If they were to be as relational as you are, their lives may have been better (or not), but this cannot take away from the brilliance they have brought to the world and made a REAL difference to humanity.

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• Thank god that Steve Jobs was a heady dude. Thank god that Bill Gates is a heady dude.

• Thank god that most cancer researchers, Oxford/Cambridge/Harvard professors and students, economists trying genuinely to rectify the current mess, that most scientists and ecologists who are trying to understand this fragile planet, techno-geeks who make such things as internet/google/facebook possible are all heady dudes and dudettes. THANK f’ing goodness!!!

• Thank god that the Buddha was a heady masculine dude who sat and sat and sat until life made more sense.

• Thank god that many amazing, AMAZING spiritual teachers that I have come into contact with (and not) such as Father Thomas Keating, Brother Wayne Teasdale, Ken Wilber, Dr. Keith Witt, Jeff Salzman, Diane Hamilton, Late Raymond Panikkar, and more are/were pretty seriously heady dudes and dudettes. Because these folks have incredible power and focus in their heady endeavors such as locking themselves in a corner for years to write a book or design a weekend program, many of us have found our hearts, communities and meaning.

• Thank god my dad was one brilliant heady dude who was a general surgeon who cut open thousands of people, removed tumors, put together broken bones, corrected brain injuries and stitched them back up so they can go for things like. say, a Circling event.

See, Jayson, one of the greatest gifts that integral has given me is the equal appreciation for multiple sides of our being – head & heart, mind & body, sense & soul, individual & collective, internal & external. I am ever grateful to these heady people who have and always will make incredible sacrifices of their personal lives to make our world just a little or heluva lot better.

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And integral gives me the gift of being able to fully appreciate those who are making incredible strides in our heart realm.

• Thank god for the Mother Teresas of the world who day in, day out serve the poor through their love for service from their hearts.

• Thank god for the hospice workers, the healers, the coaches and therapists who sit by the side of hurting hearts and bodies to bring peace and equanimity. Thank god for the Oprah’s of the world.

• Thank god for people like Jayson Gaddis, Sundara Blair, Decker Cunov, Robert McNaughton, and many, many more who have primarily dedicated themselves to relational work, helping people see themselves better and see their loved ones through more loving eyes, and create communities that have potential to help humans be just a little more loving and understanding.

• Thank god for the artists/poets/musicians/rebels who are creative beings bringing beauty to this world from their hearts and imagination.

• Thank god for the mothers and fathers who simply give up a good portion of their lives to raise children and teach them what it means to simply love.

• Thank god for many teachers, a personal friend and favourite, Brother David Steindl-Rast, for exuding pure, gorgeous heart which has become their signature practice and gift to the world.

Integral strives for all within scope and healthy discernment. It points toward 1) health in mind, 2) health in relationships, 3) health in body and behaviour, and 4) health in day-to-day living system and the ecology around us. That is the integral perspective. It works for some people and it doesn’t for others. That is OK with me. It offers many gifts to some and none for others. That is OK with me. It is accessible to some, not so to others (just like every other realm of study and practice in the world). That is OK with me. I just wonder if it is OK with you that I/we may not meet your standards.

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When you point a finger at us/me and assume that just because I/we have been into integral, that somehow I am believing myself to be “more spiritually developed that you are,” I wonder if you are able to see that this whole blog you wrote makes me feel your fingers pointing toward me and belittling me to be less relationally developed that you are. I may certainly be relationally challenged, but I hope you see you are doing the same thing you assume us to be doing.

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I have never really seen you at any of our early integral institute seminars, workshops, events, etc. I have never really seen you as a member of any Integral Life online forums or any such thing. I have not physically seen your presence much in these circles. So when you say you find integralists to be arrogant, who do you actually know and who are you talking about other than the few you might know through the tiny Boulder community? And are you judging all of integral based on the tiny few you have met and liked or disliked?

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There is no doubt that some integral fans start using coded language/jargon. And that can be very polarizing, isolating and not inclusive. Many of us, myself included, have been consciously trying to drop that language, because, yes, we see its negative effect. I would however say that just about any group who come together in a community big or small that has shared interests be it politics, science, math, integral, circling, “authentic relating,” Land Mark, business, economics–has its own language, codes, cliques. When an ‘outsider’ hears them speaking their own language, and if that outsider has no idea what they mean, sure, it won’t allow us to feel like we can belong. I don’t like that. But tell me where it doesn’t happen? And “jargon,” while irritating to some, can also bring people closer. When those within a certain similar field come together, jargon is easy to communicate an idea quickly. When a few others speak your own language, you can feel safe to express yourself in that circle. Jargon or “inside language” is not all bad (sorry, Jason Digges).

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You are a practitioner of relational work. Does this mean your relating always works or that sometimes you might just simply forget to apply things you teach? I am guessing–because you are human–the answer might be Yes. Can you afford “integralists” also to fumble their way through the gap between talking and walking? I can. Can you?

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And when you write “integral isn’t going to change the world . . .” would it come as a surprise to you that some “integralists” (such as myself) are simply using it for our own personal development and within our simple surrounding? Not all of us are running around narcissistically enough to actually believe that we are changing the world or that we got into integral to change the world.

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You write: And, even their founder, Ken Wilber himself is known to be relationally challenged.

Jayson, I think that maybe true for you and many others, but not true for many others too. I actually adore his typical “brainy-ass” Type Five (enneagram) style of communication that is also flawed at times (from the perspective of the “fluffy” kinds). And I will also say this. I have watched him for years with visitors. They ask the same questions of him pretty much all the time, and I have seen Ken listening to each as if he is hearing it for the first time. And he will listen deeply and answer deeply. And, yes, sometimes he has also acted like a dick and he knows it. I am not a Ken-worshiper, but I have seen his humanity and humility, fucked-up-ness and flawed-ness a little more than you have. That’s what makes him relatable!  Does he, or you, or I, have to be equally developed in all areas of our lives? Is that humanly possible? How about if his true gifts are in immense cognitive development? What if his gifts are in using his masculine powers of extreme focus and discipline to write 20 – 30 books that have been translated into 30 or so languages? Why does he have to be ‘relationally‘ as skilled and talented as you are? You are both leaders. Why can’t you both give gifts from where you are most talented and still be humanly flawed in many other area?

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You wrote: Or how about how the folks at Integral Life have yet to acknowledge the new Integral Center publicly? Ego much?

So I guess you are specifically speaking of Corey, Angie, David, Devin? To my knowledge, that is pretty much the staff of Integral Life (well, there maybe a handful others that I am unaware of. Not sure even if Robb Smith is still a part of it). If you are truly curious about it, it would really only just take about 30 minutes for you to make a phone call to each one and pose to them your valid inquiry.  You know, relate, maybe?

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You wrote: Complaint number three: Its practitioners are disembodied

My last major beef with Integral people has been that they are in their heads. Their brilliant minds have kept them out of their bodies, a smart strategy for anyone whose immediate somatic experience is unexplored, threatening, or overwhelming. This would be no problem if Integralists just owned and acknowledged this. But in my experience they rarely have.

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Wow, the judgement, the attack, and what I experience as your own arrogance, ignorance and righteousness here is just pretty spectacular to me. So much so that I don’t even know what to say, other than it feels like you just really have never taken the time to get to know some of these human beings. I feel shamed here. As for head/heart issue, I addressed that above.

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You wrote: So, because of these three main judgments (yup, I’m judging here), I have steered clear of Integral stuff for many years. I know, my problem, not theirs. Yet the impact of their behavior on me remains clear: I have been disinterested and avoidant. I’m guessing I’m not alone here.

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See, again, Jayson, I have been studying and practicing integral since 1998. And I am yet to come across anyone in the integral community (whatever that maybe) who has just insisted that everyone be interested in integral. To my knowledge, a lot of us have enjoyed anyone who became curious and also enjoyed those who absolutely hated anything we had to say or do. What I am saying is, we have always known that there is only a couple of billions of people who are not interested in integral. And that is OK. really. It has not helped create a strong business or movement out of it for most who attempted, but how many are the well-meaning efforts that tanked? I am ashamed of nothing in my own efforts around the little integral world.   Just like in any field of study or practice, some will be pulled in, some not. There is no mystery to that.

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You wrote: I am really digging the Integral view and all that it has to offer.

I am not feeling you actually see ‘all’ that it has to offer, but I have no issue with that at all. I am just glad that you are really being served by the lower left, which truly is a place I love too. We share that, Jayson, we really do. I don’t need you to show up in any other way.

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Jayson, I too am in big support of the new center. Behind the curtains, I can quite fearlessly say, I’ve played some roles in helping it come into being. I support its development and wish it success. I also hope that it won’t just be a “bulging lower left.” I feel Robert and Decker know that, as I said.

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Here’s what has me most curious. For you to have written that critique, my curiosity and concern is whether someone from the integral community truly hurt you. Has someone shamed you or made you feel less-than or intimidated? Has someone specifically targeted you in a hurtful way that has left you feeling remorse towards us/them? I don’t want anyone to hurt, feel shame, anger and be treated in ways then don’t deserve. If that is so, I really hope you get to address that, and that we may even hear of it, that there is reconciliation and healing. As a unique and powerful force of humanity, what in Jayson Gaddis was really triggered? That question is what most brings compassion and opening to my heart. That is what I would be honoured to know, if you felt moved to share.

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And with that, I really am stopping. I feel some heart contraction easing up. You reading this big ramble wasn’t my expectation at all. I needed to get it off my chest, defend something that is precious to me and let you know that if you are ever interested, I am here to relate.

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In a very strange and odd way, my dad is now standing right by me. I feel his love no matter how flawed I am.

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Something I loved about my coaching teachers Joanne and Laura was that they encouraged us to write to each other without the need to hear back. So we used to write each other sometimes and add the line, “No need to reply.” That gave us permission in our busy lives to respond only to the extent that we were able to and not feel judged.

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Jayson, I wish you immense success in all you do. I am sorry if my words here have hurt you.

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No need to reply.

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Love and respect,

Noms

________________

my reply:

Nomali,

Wow. Your post is beautiful. So many layers. I feel inspired, raw, happy, loving and grateful after reading your words.

I feel like I know you a lot more now and am so honored that you took the time to write this and respond so thoroughly to my post, my judgments, my lack of curiosity etc.

I also feel like I know “integral people” more given your experience & perspective. So amazing to hear about your father, his death, your path, and how you got involved in Integral. Wow.

First, I have had nothing but pleasant experiences of you. Seriously. I have appreciated every interaction I’ve had with you and that continues to this day, including this email thread.

The rest of my response is in no particular order, so bear with me…

I do understand the limitations of my judging mind. I get that when I box people in, it leaves little room for other perspectives. And, that’s why I share my judgments. To free myself from my limited thinking and perspectives. If I don’t, I remain alone in my little world seeing things the way I want to see them.

I certainly did not mean to tout myself as Mr. Relational Guy. Hmm. Yikes. I have loads of my own issues relationally and I’m devoted to the relationship path. Again, which is why I share this type of fodder on facebook. It helps me see myself more clearly.

You wrote: “ one of the greatest gifts that integral has given me is the equal appreciation for multiple sides of our being” and yes, that is why I’m digging Integral at least in theory. How can I really accept, deeply in my bones all perspectives? B/c right now, I get that in my head, but it ain’t happening all the way down. Suggestions? I guess that’s the practice right? Back to the practice of acceptance.

You wrote, “It is accessible to some, not so to others (just like every other realm of study and practice in the world). That is OK with me. I just wonder if it is OK with you that I/we may not meet your standards.” My standards are simply holding people to what they claim they are about. If integral claims it includes and accepts everything, but then is judging itself as “better than,” they integralists are not walking their own talk. It’s not about walking my talk.

And yes, I understand that by pointing the finger at Integral, I could be seen as doing the very thing I’m complaining about. And, I am to an extent. I am saying “hey, you guys claim you are about this. But I’m seeing a place where it doesn’t line up.” That feels like me caring about you, even though my “how” or delivery didn’t really land for you and some others like @marc quinn. I would want you to do the same for me. For example, if you see me shame someone, like I did with @Duff on his thread, I want to be called on that b/c it goes against the values I aspire to and ultimately it’s me being out of integrity with myself.

Good point about Ken. Excellent summary and thank you for helping me see him for what he is.

Complaint 3—This one seemed to get you the most. Thanks for sharing the impact—that you feel shamed. That part was hard to read. I don’t like that I hurt your feelings in this way. And, I wonder what this really triggered in you that has nothing to do with me? Also, I see now, how I worded it is passive aggressive. It’s making a sneaky judgment within a judgment. Guess I showed a more mean part of myself there to you. I’ll rework that. I don’t want to show up that way with a community I respect.

And no, I’m not getting integral all the way and I may never. I’m good with that. I digest and learn where and what I want to and I like my pace. I do still want to learn more from taking your class or by learning from others like Rob McNamara, Jeff, etc. I actually am loving being a student right now in many areas of my life, Integral being one area where I am a beginning student. Feels humbling and just right.

Regarding Integral Life you said, “ it would really only just take about 30 minutes for you to make a phone call to each one and pose to them your valid inquiry. You know, relate, maybe?” Your last comment feels passive aggressive. I don’t respond well to that. Feels gamey, like you might be trying to stick me or “gotcha.” Not effective. That said, sure I could call up 100 different people and “get to know them.” And, if I wanted to I would. I might send an email to their staff, valid point.

Again, by owning my judgments, I imagine I speak for many, many people who are unwilling to share them openly. By owning them, I make a big public statement about my limitations and I’m okay with that (even though it burns inside often and I feel tremendous fear). By owning them publicly, I learn where I’m wrong, illinformed, or seeing things through cloudy filters. I don’t have delusions of grandeur about myself or integral. I’m just psyched they have circling and that the Boulder Center is really putting a ton of emphasis on relationship. And, I’m great with them having a “swollen” lower left and I get that you don’t want it that way. No beef there.

My comments come largely from 1) a talk I went to with Ken in 2004 at his house. I was not impressed at all. 2) One Naropa teacher who had a huge influence on me dissing Ken and his work, 3) Comments 3-4 integral folks made about “green” people 4) some in the david deida community where I was mildly involved with for a while 5) dozens of controversial comments I’ve heard about Andrew Cohen and Ken collaborating with him (guilt by association), 6) Hear-say I’ve heard about Ken and company for years.

@robert macnaughton was the first cat that had me at the edge of my seat listening intently about Integral. It was so new and fresh. My own box was in the way of me seeing the members more clearly. And, yes, I failed to mention that “No Boundary” had a massive impact on me when I first read it in 2004.

You asked, “As a unique and powerful force of humanity, what in Jayson Gaddis was really triggered? “Where does this big ol complaint come from? My core hurts of course. My wounds around the masculine (my dad, and other male figures/teachers who said one thing and did another) and organizations (starting with my college fraternity) that never were able to acknowledge their shadow. So, it’s not surprise that my trauma is my path and relationship is my main healing agent at this stage in my life. It has so much beauty, power, and pain in it. I think it’s clear I’m taking a stand for relationship. It doesn’t mean I will do it “right” or “perfect” or have all the answers. It just simply means, I’m passionate as hell about it and believe it to be one highly effective approach to personal and spiritual growth.

Realizing that I will probably rework my original post and add some of this context b/c it might help not lose certain readers. I wonder if I can cut and paste your post at the bottom of my post? Or would you be willing to cut and paste it on my site so anyone can see it from now on?

Again, my intention here is to move closer to you and your community. Not to distance. For me, sharing my truth (sloppy, messy, or clean) is the way I do that. Some might not like it, but some, like you, will at least tell me that and explore it all further. For that I am deeply grateful to you and your way.

Deep bow, love, and respect,
jayson

The old English poem has many interpretations. I’m choosing to focus on the 2007 Hollywood version (which is distinctly different from the original story and well worth the watch) since it’s the only one I have seen. I’m also choosing to laser in on how it personally relates to my life in hopes that it may serve yours.

In watching the movie, one pertinent question emerged:

How can I hold true to my integrity and maintain my powercenter* in the face of all the seductions, challenges, and distractions in life?

(*by “powercenter” I mean the lower dantian. Marital artists know this as the center of gravity in our bodies and critical to holding one’s ground during conflict, combat, etc. I’m no martial artist, but I do apply it to the rest of my life).

The Hollywood Beowulf tale is about a powerful warrior who can kill any beast with his bare hands, but then caves in the face of a dark feminine “monster.”

In order for this (dark) feminine to give birth to a dragon, she needs the seed of a warrior willing to betray himself (dark masculine), which is precisely what Beowulf does. She uses him, he uses her. They make each other stronger (by ego standards) by working together.  Then in his misery and to gain some self-respect back, he has to slay the dragon he birthed.

My interpretation of this particular Beowulf tale is about how tempting it is to betray myself in the face of the seductive energies in life. These “seductive” energies are whatever could “take me out” of my center and out of my integrity.

When given the opportunity, it appears that a lot of us men will abandon ourselves (and our center) for the promise of getting something “better” or feeling “better.” Or, we might get hooked by the desire for an ‘instant gratification quick-hit’ which serves us in avoiding the deeper work that might be called for. Or when I’m not able or willing to tolerate the discomfort (charge) in the face of adversity, I buckle and give away my life force.

For example, when we need to get shit done in life and focus, we face a variety of “seductive” energies (from porn, to sports, to napping, to facebook) that also seduce our attention away from the task at hand. For an ADD-mind like mine, it can be challenging to stay on target.

When Beowulf takes his eye off the ball by sleeping with Angelina Jolie, he gains his perceived power and his ego’s appetite gets temporarily satisfied. He has all the riches he wants, he becomes a powerful leader with lots of willing followers, and he can have any woman he desires. But none of it is any remedy for the shame he feels having betrayed his own integrity by giving his power away.  Then he chooses to lie in order to face his comrades, thus feeling like shit.

Of course, like many of us who feel ashamed, he chooses to keep it a secret for the rest of his life, and so others don’t really know that he is inwardly lost and ghost-like having lost his self-respect. Thus the hero remains sick inside, dead, empty, lost. Why? Perhaps because he doesn’t even respect himself.

And, this is how it is when we take the easy road of distraction. It feels good now then bites us in the ass later.

A classic example is an affair, or an affair with porn. Men will keep it a secret thus giving their shame added strength and credibility. On top of hidden shame, these men will discharge their “seed” regularly, thus giving away their life force over and over. And the cycle continues. Yet temporary “quick hits” are no match for the results that come from deeper rigor and work.

This is what happens when a man is unable or unwilling to hold true to himself, his body, and his integrity. He lets just about anything invade his space that “feels good” and that gives him respite from any discomfort (intense charge) he may feel in his life.  I imagine most of us can find ourselves relating to Beowulf in some aspect of our lives.

Think about it. It’s pretty hard to maintain our powercenter in this fast-paced culture with endless distractions coming at us all day long.  And, when I don’t occupy my center, I’m vulnerable to “checking out” behaviors that distract me from staying “on target” and “in my center” in life.

Now you might be thinking this sounds overly rigid or righteous. Maybe. But the issue for me here is not that Beowulf drops the ball. It’s that he A) hides after having done so and B) doesn’t implement any discipline practices to make himself stronger.

I drop the ball all the time. It’s when I hide that I give my shame power. When I reveal myself and show my humanness openly with others, I don’t carry the burden of shame around.  I can make my mistake, take responsibility for it, and get back on target.

Yet knowing I drop the ball a lot, I also put in to place practices that support me getting strong in myself over time.

Beowulf even tried to “fess up” to his human ways to his closest comrade only to have his most loyal, trusted friend deflect and dismiss his vulnerability, which men often do to each other. What if instead, our closest friends said, “That sucks. Yes, I am here to listen and I can handle anything that you bring, mistakes and all.  Now, get back in the game. You got this. I believe in you.”

Bottom line?

I am leaving my powercenter when I choose not to own the serpent between my legs. When I can’t hold the charge in my body, I leak it out and even spill it out. My serpent, after blowing its load, becomes a vacuum “available” for other stuff to come in and occupy it. Then, depending on how great my numbness, dissociation, shame or guilt is, I will continually struggle in the face of not taking responsibility for my occupying my own body. Numb becomes the new norm.

Yes, I will not be perfect and I will lose my center and betray my own integrity. It’s how I handle these human fumbles where my growth will occur.  And, if I stay in touch with my longing and hunger for more depth, truth, and power, I will slowly, over time, wake up out of my lazy, complacent ways.

This is of course easier when every single thing in my life matters to me. If I am living a life where I hate my job or feel dead in my relationship, I’m toast. If, on the other hand, I care deeply about each thing I do and every hour of the day and how I spend it, over time I will tolerate less fluff, filler, or distraction.

6 steps to remedy the Beowulf fumble

1. Choose to own my space (occupy my body) instead of caving in to whatever feels good.
2. Get a tribe of men together that have my back and won’t let me continue  to hit the snooze button in life.
3. Learn the art of deep discipline. Strangely, discipline supports surrender.
4. When I do fall down, because I will, learn how to be open about my humanity. Share my vulnerability, shame, embarrassment, and mistakes with others so I can be seen and practice knowing that I am still worthy of love and respect.
5. Get back on the horse and back in my body.
6. Repeat.

There are three parts to this.

Part A. Mirror. I know when I judge you, I’m not only not accepting you, I’m also not accepting me. It’s very simple. I am not completely landed in me and how I still judge myself. The part I judge is probably somehow, somewhere a disowned aspect of me.

Part B. I’m afraid. It’s very scary to trust in the sacred way of your life. I know intellectually that your life is trustworthy just as you are living it. It’s a tough practice to trust my life completely, so it makes sense that it’s hard to trust yours so boldly.

Part C. Me not trusting and judging you is an expression of my own intelligence and my love/respect for you. This is my soul wanting more from you. I’m craving more truth, more congruency, more connection from you, and to feel experientially that we are not separate. I judge you here because it feels like you are living a semi-true life and not in alignment with your soul’s knowing. I want that level of congruency for you because it inspires me to stay with my soul’s way and knowing.  I long to feel the depth of our shared humanity and the deep resonance between us when we both have the courage to trust our deeper Self. I long, deeply long to feel you land in the depths of your soul.

This last part starts to take on a less judgmental quality and invites exploration of how I experience you. This is where we can truly be of service to one another, especially if we are clear on part A & B. So, let’s be willing to share our experience of each other (from a place of love and respect) in a way that can be mutually beneficial.

The pro-porn argument lacks any valid weight, “Hey man, nothing’s wrong with masturbating to hot women, what’s your problem?” Right.

I have nothing against sexuality, masturbation, or sexual aliveness. But porn has co-opted our sexuality and is now dictating the rules of how men and women are supposed to be with each other intimately. And, if I’m not paying attention, porn will teach my son an incredibly narrow form of sexuality.

In my own life, porn was a big distraction. A distraction away from my feelings, my body, and my experience. Along with other “checking out” behaviors, it served to relieve me temporarily from my suffering. Quickly, shame and guilt would settle in, as would more behaviors to hide it all. I was never an “addict.” I never paid for sites or spent hours online. I would get in, get out, then hide. Even still, it felt like shit.

It wasn’t until I was able to talk openly with my male friends about it, that I began to gain some power, control, and choice around the matter.  Through my connections to my male friends, the shame virtually went away and we discovered that nearly 100% of the time, we surfed to avoid something, typically discomfort, pain, or unwanted feelings.

The cost? It took me away from the very thing I wanted — intimacy with Self and other. And that’s what I’d argue it’s doing to the male psyche.

I see male clients who eventually get to their “porn issue” which they have often underestimated as having any impact on their life. Surfing porn in guy culture is very common which is its main justifying argument as to why a man can keep giving himself permission to use. “Hey honey, all guys do it, it’s biology, it’s normal.”

But sooner or later a man will begin to feel the internal or external cost of his porn behavior. It might start out with a lowered sex drive for his partner or wife. Some men will begin to experience some kind of sexual dysfunction such as premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, or erectile dysfunction. For other men, it furthers their sense of isolation and moves them further from what they claim they want—more love. For others still, it destroys their marriage and leaves them feeling even more alone. Porn use can have some women feeling pissed, alone and longing for a real man to show up.

One of my former clients shares that he has a really hard time connecting with his real girlfriend’s real body. Another man shares that sex feels dirty, wet, sweaty, and the parts don’t look the same as the videos. He reminds me that actors on a screen have trained him, over and over. So when the real thing comes along, he is challenged. Another guy struggles to get hard and stay hard. His partner is feeling the impact and wondering how to navigate it all. One man prefers the online stuff because the “real thing” is too complicated. Still another man hides his porn use from his wife because it might be a deal breaker.

What is your experience? Comment below please.

Outside my personal opinion and experience is growing research that suggests more porn = more men suffering.  Here are several examples:

*According to Psychology Today, it’s a growing problem for men and their rates of sexual dysfunction are increasing.

*According to this amazing site: http://yourbrainonporn.com/ there is significant impact on the brain and how men train their brain through porn (This site is AMAZING and full of solid resources).

*If you don’t want to spend a ton of time on the above site, the site’s author Gary Wilson wrote a good piece for The Good Men Project’s called: How Porn Can Ruin Your Sex Life and Your Marriage.

*Here’s a good one from Naomi Wolf summing up some of the research on how porn is impacting the male brain called Is Porn Driving Men Crazy?

*Here’s a scary one about the developing adolescent brain. So vulnerable to addiction and heavy porn use. The cost of porn on the adolescent brain.

*Then there’s an interesting project called the Social Cost of Pornography where a group collaborates to publish what looks like a solid book on the subject. http://www.socialcostsofpornography.org

*I found this great article in the Washington Post called The Cost of Growing Up on Porn. The author even finds “research” suggesting that contrary to popular belief, porn isn’t hurting men at all.  He debunks it and reminds us that porn is indeed hurting a lot of us.

*And lastly, since parents (specifically Dads) are or unable or unwilling to educate their sons, most teen boys are learning about sex through porn. The average age boys are exposed to hard core porn is 11. Many get exposed at 8. Once again, we can find the roots of this growing problem in the good ‘ol boy code and bro code. It’s no surprise then that when we don’t teach boys about sex, they’ll learn about it somewhere else.

So, could porn really be killing the male sex drive? For some men, yup. Does Porn have the potential to leave embodied women starving for men who can relate to their real bodies in real time? Probably. Is porn training men to be less and less available lovers? Most likely.

When men are in pain, disconnected from their bodies, and stressed out in their lives, porn offers instant, easy, ongoing relief. Porn is also one of the most accessible, seductive distractions to take a man out of his center. Men and adolescent boys who have rarely ‘worked on themselves’ hardly stand a chance against porn. With few effective tools to engage this fight, a man will often loose. What will he loose? His center, which is the core of his integrity. Shame will fill the void. He will be run by shame and instead of owning it, will posture over it like Beowulf until he chooses to face it.

What is the cost to women? To our children? What happens when we let a money making machine teach us about the most sacred and beautiful part of who we are?

Finally, now that we can begin to see the problem, how will we each address it in our own bodies, homes, and communities?

For men who struggle with porn and are willing to do something about it, I have three simple, but unconventional recommendations amid the hundreds of options out there. I understand this is a very complicated issue and healing this will be different for every man.

1. To start off, Your Brain on Porn offers what appears to be an awesome “rebooting” program to help men wean themselves off porn and begin the journey. But this is only the start. A man must be willing and committed to getting his center back. Like Beowulf, he must choose to slay the dragon he co-created.
2. Connection to Self. In order to get back in his integrity, he will have to occupy his body and learn the way of embodiment. When men are in their bodies and connected to themselves, their heart, and anchored in their center, porn doesn’t stand a chance. Stay tuned for a tele series with me and David Cates as we expand further upon this and offer practices to support.
3. Relationship. When we prefer intimacy on a screen over real human touch, we have certainly gone astray, but given our tech culture and our conditioning, it’s understandable. I’m with Gabor Mate in seeing addiction as a relationship issue, not a biological one. The way out of porn use then, is through relationship. This can mean groups, therapy, attachment work, etc. Bottom line? Very intimate, sensory, real, raw relationships with other real human beings is the way out.

The Boulder Men’s Experience helps men in three main areas:

1. agency
-leadership and individual empowerment around enriching your life
-what are you taking a stand for in your life and what are you actually doing about it?

2. Connection
- we can’t do this alone. We will practice relationship/intimacy, get support, enjoy each other, have fun, and be creative. It’s likely that we can go further, faster, when we do this together.

3. Service
–what is our larger offering to the world when this many men get together and what is this experience in service of? Come put your voice and vibe into the mix and help us send a ripple out. We are making a difference in this community by practicing this way on a regular basis.

We are much stronger and have a bigger impact when we do this together.

Doors open at 630pm. Doors close at 700pm sharp so we can all get on the same page in terms of context for the night. You are free to leave whenever you want to.

**FOR REAL: Doors will LOCK at 700pm. **

So get yourself there on time, masculine-style.

Our loose, three-hour outline: First half of the night is getting to know each other, dyads, then small groups of your choosing.

Opportunities abound for you to:

* follow what YOU want to do
* explore your edges at your pace
* initiate a small group to focus on anything you want
* experiment with your leadership if you want to
* share something (like a truth, a song or a poem)
* share your truth in both the large group and small groups
* be witnessed and supported
* clear something with another man–with support if you want it

Light facilitation provided by Jayson, Tom Daly, Robert MacNaughton, Joshua Levin, Reuvain Bacal, Richard Furr and whoever wants to step up and help.

Let’s keep seeing and savoring what happens when conscious dudes gather on a regular basis (outside of a formal, closed men’s circle) with bold intention and fun facilitation.

Cost: $20 or FREE if you are a member of The Integral Center. Read about membership here

What to bring: a desire for the nite, your truth, 20 bucks, a drum if you have one, any other musical instruments like shakers, flutes, rattles, whatever.

Please RSVP on the facebook page (changes every month). And invite your bros if they’re not already invited. This is an OPEN event!

This experience happens in Boulder every month: ask to join the Boulder Men’s Community, a private facebook group where announcements and updates happen. There you can also hear about other men’s gatherings and offerings.

This experience happens in Boulder every month:

December 16
January 20
Feb 24
March 16
April 13
May 11
June 21 (thursday night)
July 12 (thursday night)
August 9 (thursday night)
September 20 (thursday night)
October 11 (thursday night)
November 15 (thursday night)
December 13 (thursday night)

This post is about the mess we are in around male sexuality. I am here to name it and simply put it in the open for all of us to see.

I received ZERO training around sex or my body until age 34. None. My dad dropped the ball as did my culture. My first sexual experience was traumatic. I experienced shame, humiliation and betrayal all in one dark night. This became my imprint that I am still dealing with to this day.

Instead of learning, I went into hiding like most men run by shame. I listened to other peers who were equally immature and confused.

Before I sought out help, I was left adrift, aimlessly trying to be a man with this cosmic sword between my legs. No one ever taught me the profound power my cock could yield. That I could give life or destroy life with its power.

Fortunately for me I now have excellent mentors and friends who are helping me grow up my sexuality and dive into it’s headwaters with open arms.

So how did we get into this mess?

I’m guessing there’s more to the story than this, but I’m naming one GIANT dynamic if not THE dynamic that got us here.

First, let’s acknowledge that some of us (not me) got an amazing, healthy, wise education around sex, our bodies, and our sexuality. Then, let’s acknowledge that there are a good number of people out there that believe we are teaching are kids plenty, even too much, about sex and sexuality.

Leaving it up to the Churches and schools to train our kids about their penises and vaginas and how to use them has gotten us where we are today, ashamed, avoiding, and hoping someone else will teach this complicated stuff for us. If those entities did a great job, we’d be seeing different results.

Because adults have been, by in large, too ashamed or limited in themselves, they have taught our boys a very watered down version of sex education. That’s the best case scenario. It’s either nothing at all or a “birds and the bees” talk in middle school or high school.

Think about what you got in terms of sex ed. I got a health class in 8th grade (in Utah) and then my dad talked to me in High school about wearing a condom. That’s it. That’s all I got.

So, what did I do? I learned from peers (well before high school) who were equally as ashamed, misinformed, and confused.

I was completely and utterly abandoned, as was my father by his father and on and on. I get that it wasn’t his fault. How could he teach me anything about sex given what was taught to him by a Dad who probably never even mentioned it? Generations of betrayal. Generations of neglect and looking the other way, hoping kids would “figure it out” or innocently thinking it would take care of itself.

So, when I think about my own son, I can see the doorway toward “letting him figure it out.” That door is wide open and would be easy for me to just drop the ball and keep the family lineage of abandonment alive.

But I won’t do that. No way. Not in my house. I refuse to let other 4, 5, 6, 7 year old boys teach my son about his sacred body. I refuse to let another kid shaming him while he’s naked or hard core porn be his first sexual experience. I will show up for my son. I’m scared and excited to teach him everything about his beautiful body and its power. I feel inspired to train him to use his penis responsibly. And guess what? My son is 3 years old and needs information now! He is exploring his body right now! Wait until middle school? I don’t think so.

Most of us men received little to no sexual training as boys. We simply learned from other boys. Our first sexual experiences were often either molestation (1 in six boys is sexually abused before age 16), experimentation with ourselves (some kind of masturbation, mostly to porn these days) or other boys (more than one-third of the sexual abuse of America’s children is committed by other minors).

As boys, in order to fit in, we were supposed to make fun of other boys when we were naked. If we were too “good” or too scared to do that, we got quiet and became bystanders hoping some adult would step up and set a boundary. When no one did, we remained silent because speaking up we might have faced ridicule or humiliation.

Anything that resembled being gay or too feminine, we shamed and humiliated in each other and called it “funny.” We were mostly taught that sex is great, but also bad and that masturbation is bad even though it feels good. Hmmm….Our choice? Posture and fake it trying to “be one of the guys,” or go underground with our sexuality and experiment in isolation.

Pile on some confusion…

As teen boys, we taught each other to objectify women and keep score. We were either taught that w0men like strong men that are stoic and hide their vulnerability like any super hero in the movies, or maybe we took the gentleman’s path, (slightly more conservative but still damaging) where we are supposed to take care of women and be “clean” by never masturbating or succumbing to our animal desires, thus being a “good boy.”

If we were gay, or wondered if we were gay, we had no where safe to turn to, no one to ask, no place to explore in a safe way. So, again we isolated and felt shame and guilt. Then we might have played along with the straight boys thus adding more self-abandonment and confusion.

Then we found oursevles in an oversexualized culture where women’s bodies were everywhere for us to gawk at including in video games, TV, magazines, and even in men’s sports. We went to college where our sex drive was through the roof and we sprayed it around like a firehose with no supervision and little consequence. Or we were so confused, we shut down and got quiet. If we wanted to be “one of the guys” we tried to get laid a lot and talked a big game, thinking that might win us friends. If we didn’t take that path, we stayed a quiet bystander letting our brothers off the hook over and over as they objectified and used women over and over again while we may have dug inward for answers alone.

Pile on more confusion….

Of course, then we became adult men (whatever that means), and even though we have the power to seek out a therapist or professional to get help with the confusion and power between our legs, we didn’t. Either because we didn’t even know it was an option, or because we might face ridicule from our peers–more shame and humiliation, all part of the gender straightjacket.

Now that we are officially confused and ashamed about our penis and sex, and live in a culture that supports our dis-embodiment, we find comfort in our disconnection. It’s the new norm. We mask over any whisper of shame or fear so we can fit in with the guys and hope to meet a cool woman that likes us. Then in our isolation, while no one is looking and with the door locked, we find relief–porn. It’s quick, easy, cheap, with an endless variety where we don’t have to deal with the complexities of interpersonal relationship dynamics. We can stay alone and keep it locked away in our inner sanctum. It even gives us temporarily relief from the stress in our lives (post coming shortly on the cost of porn on men).

Whew.

Once again, the boy code has conditioned us into a little, tiny corner where we remain alone, confused, and isolated. Our conditioning is a trap. Be a certain way, and don’t act outside the box. If you do, we will humiliate you. Don’t speak up or intervene, b/c that too is gay, weak, or feminine. So, stay put, stay a bystander, stay in your box.

So this is where we are today

Like it or not, the state of male sexuality in this culture (and probably the world) is that of a sick, neglected, and deeply abandoned child, and we can see the wake of it everywhere in our lives. The way boys treat girls, the way men treat women. The way boys treat boys. The bullying and shame, coercion, and intimidation to be a certain way sexually. The gay jokes, the “small penis” jokes, the “pussy” jokes, the rape, misogyny, misandry,  the violence, Matthew Shepard, Penn State, The Catholic Church, and the shame and self-hatred toward our own bodies.

All taught by who? Boys.

That’s right. We adults have put boys in charge of teaching other boys about the most sacred parts of their bodies. Boys are teaching other boys about sexuality in this culture. And because adults are unable or unwilling to step up, this is the mess we are in.

Wow.

So, this is on the table for us to examine and see clearly. How about we pause and take this all in.

Breathe.

The next question for me is “okay, what do I do about it?”

In my own home, I will take on the responsibility to teach and train my son about his “wee wee” (penis), his body, and his sexuality with unwavering respect and love.

In terms of the global problem, the questions are rolling in. From single moms to new dad’s like me.

It appears that I’m being asked to lead and guide here, so I want to step up. So, stay tuned for solutions such as tele-courses for parents with age specific info and other creative classes. I might also have to start my BoyStrong business sooner, which is a newer, more practical version of the boy scouts which will train young boys to be relationally adept, sexually aware, and open-hearted– little Jedis on the playground who help and inspire other kids.

While many men are struggling big time and remain very locked up, others are breaking free of their conditioning and taking balanced, conscious action in their lives.

To celebrate this masculine expansion, and to go further, I’m organizing the Boulder Men’s Experience. At the core of this event is the sacred masculine.

What is the sacred masculine?

I’m not really sure, but from the guidance I’ve received thus far, it is simply what’s available to us men when we connect to our bodies, our hearts and the present moment. Because this is where the sacred masculine lives–in the now.

When we men do this, we live more full engaged lives. We stand empowered to laugh, love, and serve. If I choose to live in this way as an embodied man in contemporary culture it is a privilege and a massive responsibility, worthy of pristine care and respect.

As some of you know, I have taken a break from “men’s work” for a while. And now, I’m slowly coming back to engage in a more sustainable, inspired way. I’m also listening to the fact that my leadership is needed in the masculine realm and because I have a son, the masculine conversation is one I’ll be in for the rest of my life.

So, I’m taking a stand for the masculine and in doing so, I take a stand for the feminine. I’m committed to owning the sacred masculine within me as if it were the sheer, raw power of a great, wild steed in need of a good rider.

Stoked.

Brothers–let’s unite. Let us gather, laugh, cry, and clean up the space in our own bodies so that the sacred masculine has an open home to occupy. One way to do this is getting together in men’s circles or locally at the Boulder Men’s Experience.

I had been feeling a little stuck.

Then I listened to this song. It brought me to tears, twice (Thanks Indigo for sending this along).

It woke up the dreaming child in me. It helped me get unstuck in 6 minutes.

What I love most about it is his playful, cosmic message to simply take a risk. And that’s what I’m about to do…

Nahko (Medicine for the People) from The Portland Sessions on Vimeo.

Photo By Joshua Levin

As many of you know, I have been in a massive surrendering process for almost two years now.

My habitual “push” is getting less and less air time and my willingness to surrender and trust is becoming more of a daily reality.

My ongoing softening process has been facilitated largely by my children. They continue to chisel away at my defenses and blocks, opening me to more and more love.

I’m also getting support from my wife Ellen, Megan Eggers, David Cates, meditation, and the occasional ayahuasca dive.

More support recently came from an experience at the Authentic Community Leadership course led by Decker Cunov, Kendra Cunov, and Bryan Bayer of Authentic World.

I helped facilitate small groups throughout the weekend around the subject of community leadership. Yet, largely the weekend was about relationship practice—seeing and being seen.

I got to work alongside new and old friends and a few folks from Authentic World team, mainly Decker, Kendra, and Bryan. I learned a lot from them and it felt so awesome to be humble enough to learn from my peers. I am pretty much the only facilitator not trained in their modality of “circling,” yet they trust me enough to do my thing (more evidence that I’m okay just as I am).

And, on the very last night with two hours to go until we closed, my brother Adrial Dale, a guy who I’ve never met, who has been following this blog since its inception, shared with me how I have changed his life.

With tears in his eyes, he recounted how he judged the shit out of me three years ago. Then how over time he slowly grew to respect me. He gave example after example of how I have touched him and inspired him to put himself out there. The exercise was supposed to be about him and somehow the tables turned and he just kept firing love bombs at me. Slowly, with no defensiveness, or deflecting away, I let his love in.

My whole body was buzzing, tears welled up. Something in me just kept saying YES to his honest, vulnerable truth. A near total stranger was seeing me, really seeing me.

I let his love in completely. And, it shattered me into pieces.

I cried. I laughed.

The photo above is me lying on the floor after Adrial sliced me open with his love.

Wow.

More new and old friends moved in to just witness me and hold me there. I must have been on the floor (in the middle of the room) for a good hour while the workshop kept going. I couldn’t get up and it felt soooo good to just lay there in a puddle.

I deeply received his experience of me. Receiving love has been a major edge in my life and this experience was very affirming at the progress I’ve made. Whew.

And this is what can happen in community and when we dare to be ourselves and share openly with others how they have impacted us.

More please.

My son finding a bug

I often have women come see me who consistently report that the men in their lives are stuck, unhappy, and unwilling to do anything about it. The only time I see those types of men is when their lives and relationships start to fall apart.

Why is this?

Are men just lame? clueless? Just guys? Do we really only care about sports, boobs, gadgets and cars? Or is there more to the story?

Men are falling dramatically behind women (here’s a study backing this up, and some other data here). And boys are falling dramatically behind girls in education (Somewhat conflicting info here with some reports saying it’s still a level playing field, and others saying the way schools are set up is more suited to girl learning styles and not really suited to handle the way boys learn).

Despite what these studies show, my own experience says this: Generally speaking, men are limping along while women are kicking ass.

Why?

Most of the research out there points to schooling. That boys simply learn differently than girls and that schools, by in large, support learning styles and environments that favor girls.

This is all great and I can get behind a lot of it. However, the “experts” are missing a critical element that starts from birth onward.

My theory?

The boy code:  Boys are trained out of their natural essence and expected to adhere to what William Pollack describes as the boy code. Michael Kimmel takes the idea further in his book Guyland and speaks about how men remain boys stuck in “guyland.”

Our entire culture supports boys to abandon themselves and their true essence.

We men have been conditioned to be the way we currently are. We were conditioned out of our intuition, emotions, felt sense, and our relational capacity. Believe it or not, men are as sensitive as women and as capable relationally.

Yet because of our culture and the stifling boy code, we have been trained not to be this way. I also understand part of this conversation is about nature (biology) and that men are VERY different from women in endless ways (which I celebrate), but I’m not going to talk about nature. Nurture is something I can do something about so that’s where my attention is.

My attention is on how boys and men are trained to be emotionally shut down and disconnected from themselves.

When I look around at teenage boys and young men I feel scared. Most are lost, disconnected, and pissed off, rightfully so.

Here is my master’s paper on the subject from 2005. This excerpt begins on page seven of my 40 page paper. (you might also want to read my post “Why many men are still boys and what can be done about it). I have added a few new thoughts below the excerpt.

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Infancy, the beginning of disconnection

The kind of man a boy grows into is laid down in early childhood development. His earliest relationships strongly dictate how a boy will be in relation to his world. If a boy’s feelings and emotional needs for closeness and connection are not recognized and valued or they are neglected or abused, he will most likely begin to disconnect from himself and have significant issues with trust (Ewen, 1998).

William Pollack Ph.D. (1998), a leading researcher in male behavior, believes the conditioning of acceptable male behavior begins as early as infancy. He cites research at Rutgers University, which showed that mothers attempted to sooth their infant boy by responding with encouragement to happy emotions while “discouraging more unhappy emotions” (p. 40).  This conditioning slowly stifles a boy’s emotional expression and gives him strong messages over time of how to be in the world:  to be okay, he cannot trust his internal experience and he needs to behave in an acceptable way. The boy will mistrust his true self and begin to form a false self based upon what his environment and caregiver support. Herein lies the root of man’s disconnection.

The Boy Code and further disconnection

The acceptable behavior a boy begins to live by is what Pollack (1998) calls the “boy code.” The boy code “is a set of behaviors, rules of conduct, cultural shibboleths, and even a lexicon, that is inculcated into boys by our society—from the very beginning of a boy’s life” (p. xxv). Within the boy code are countless introjects. Introjects are messages that a person takes in from their environment without a lot of thought or discernment. The boy code teaches boys several introjects:  “Don’t be like a girl,” “don’t be too tender or close with other boys,”  “act like a man,” and  “don’t be a mama’s boy.”  Adding to their confusion in a world of feminist thought, men also hear “don’t be like most men,” or, from a mother in a family with an absent or abusive father, “don’t be like your father.” Several of these introjects will be addressed in the pages that follow.

The “Gender Straightjacket”

James A. Doyle (1983), author of The Male Experience suggests that the first lesson in the boy code is “Don’t be like a girl” (p. 161). Instead of being taught how to be, boys are taught how NOT to be, “what girls do, boys don’t” (p. 150). Doyle (1983) believes this is the root of misogyny and sexism because boys believe that girls and women are, “unequal, bad and inferior” (p. 150). How many grown men in a patriarchal society hold this same childhood teaching?  The boy code confuses the young boy because it splits off his inner experience of self (emotions and feelings) from an outer one that is based on cultural norms and expectations (boy code), thus increasing the disconnection. He is bombarded with more messages such as “don’t be a baby,” “don’t be a wimp,”  “ don’t be a sissy,” “don’t feel your feelings.”  The boy begins to take in these introjects all the while feeling ashamed of his authentic, internal experience. Over time, a boy will slowly shut down his inner world in the service of doing what’s expected. Pollack (1998) believes that by doing this, society is placing a boy into a “gender straightjacket” (p. 40). This gender straightjacket constrains boys and men to behave in socially accepted ways based upon their gender. Pollack (1998) and men’s writer Loren Pedersen (1991) agree that this confusion ultimately wears a young man down and may later bring on depression, failed relationships, emotional staleness or even suicide. The confusing introjects a boy will receive do not stop there.

Relationship with Mother

Since most men are raised by their mothers (in the midst of absent, abusive or emotionally unavailable fathers), this relationship is paramount for how a boy will do relationship later in life (Doyle, 1983). Somewhere along the line, a boy will hear the message “don’t be a mama’s boy,” which implies that he is too close, affectionate or clingy with his mother. Pollack’s research shows that a young boy actually does not want to be apart from his mother and that disrupting a boy’s desire to stay connected to his mother is “devastating” and “traumatic”  (1998, p. 27). Pollack adds, “If a boy had been allowed to separate at his own pace, that longing and sadness would not be there, or would be much less” (1998, p. 27).  Pollack (1998) also believes that the roots of shame a man feels can be traced back to this premature separation. Doyle (1983) agrees and adds, “In our culture, boys are socialized earlier into their sex role and pushed away from parental dependencies earlier than girls are” (p. 95). Unfortunately a nurturing father is often not available when the boy separates from his mother, so boys will seek the guidance and support of their peer group (Doyle, 1983).  A boy’s relationship with his mother is often his only emotional connection. What about his father and how does this relationship impact a boy’s disconnection?

Relationship with Father            

Whatever role his father plays will have a lasting impact on the boy. Most commonly, a boy’s father is the person who turns away or shuts down the boy’s emotions. If his father is around, he may make fun of his son if he is clinging to his mother. Fred R. Gustafson (1997), writing about father-son dynamics, believes that a young man will have a limited and warped sense of masculinity when the father-son relationship is unhealthy and the father is unavailable.  Gustafson (1997) identifies this as having “terrible” consequences such as an ill-defined ego structure, a limited male identity, being controlled by women through guilt and feelings of inadequacy.  Gustafson (1997) believes that the reason “there are so many angry men today…is not only because they have been discouraged from having or expressing feelings, but also because they have not felt a significant loving father presence in their lives” (p. 167).

Male Friendships and Homophobia

How emotionally close are male-male friendships? As stated earlier, often the only emotional connection a boy has is with his mother. Men have learned relationships from single mothers, female partners, sisters and women who are stereotypically more capable of sharing emotions, feelings and relating in general. Yet if a boy is not allowed to be close with his mother or his father, what makes him want to be close with his male friends? Doyle (1983) writes that boys are simply not allowed to publicly express most emotions for fear of being seen as or labeled weak, feminine, too vulnerable, or gay.  Not only are boys not supposed to be close and express feelings with their mother or father, boys are given a clear message that they should not be too close with another boy (Doyle, 1983).  According to Doyle (1983), two of a boy’s biggest fears are being labeled feminine or gay. This is not just an experience boys have; it is pervasive in the adult male population as well. Later in life Doyle adds, “men cannot allow themselves to get too close, to form deep and intimate friendships with other men because they may have to deal with the gnawing fear of homosexuality” (p. 160). When they grow older, men fear that their male peers will judge them as unmanly. Doyle (1983) cites Gregory Lehne who views the fear of homophobia as “a device of social control directed specifically against men to maintain male behavior appropriate to the social situation” (p. 159).  A consequence of this fear is that few men end up having close male friends (Doyle, 1983). Furthermore, few men end up having a close relationship to themselves.

Toward Manhood

As a boy grows toward other developmental tasks, more messages are delivered about how to be in the world all too often with the result of more disconnection. “The primary tasks of adolescence, according to all contemporary notions, are self-definition, identity formation, differentiation” (Raphael, 1998, p. 197).

More confusing introjects of the boy code include, “suck it up and be a man,” or conversely from a world of feminine upbringing, “don’t be like most men,” and from a mother estranged from an absent or abusive husband, “don’t be like your father.” Pollack (1998) writes that, “Without being aware of doing so, society is judging the behavior of boys against outmoded ideas about masculinity and about what it takes for a boy to become a man” (p. xxiv).  Writer of the need for men’s rites-of-passage in this culture, Ray Raphael (1988) adds, “Contemporary society seems to give us differing and conflicting definitions of what manhood is and how it might be achieved” (p. 22).  Adult men will often continue to grapple with their emotions and feelings throughout life.

Rarely do other men support each other’s vulnerabilities and feelings. What do men do? They continue to wear a mask that states “everything’s fine” (Pollack, 1998).  Pollack (1998) also maintains that teenage boys become experts at masking their true selves because they feel ashamed of their vulnerability. Similarly, Sam Keen (1991), best selling author of Fire in the Belly, believes that man avoids his own inner world and all its darkness, hiding behind many masks all in the name of being accepted and being okay in relationship to his outside world.  He continues hiding because society expects a teenage boy to be “hardened,” so he will put on a mask to become tough and manly [italics added] (Pollack, 1998).  The hiding continues and so does the search for self as a teenager moves out of adolescence toward manhood. This is the most common time when a young man will unconsciously or consciously seek initiation toward manhood and attempt to find a sense of belonging.

The need for initiation into Manhood

So, what is a man to do, carrying around so many conflicting messages and views of how to be?  Now that a man has been shaped by his environment and experiences and his heart so often has been ignored, what is the outcome?  Men’s writer Marvin Allen (1995) paints an accurate picture here, “To avoid or to cope with these painful and embarrassing emotions, millions of men have turned to such manly solutions as excess work, alcohol, TV sports, food, sexual compulsions, and even aggression and violence” (p. 311). Men unconsciously yearn for some kind of transition or initiation as they stumble toward manhood. Outmoded ideas abound and as Raphael (1988) observes, many young men create their own challenges in attempts to grow up and be a man; they “join the army, compete in sports, get a job, graduate from college, climb mountains, pledge fraternities, screw girls, get drunk with the guys” (p. 23).  These are not only attempts at becoming a man, but they are all done with an unconscious desire to belong, to be seen, to be accepted, to transition.

As an adult, if a man has deficits in his development and if he was informally initiated through immature means, he will react to the world from a younger place than he actually is; specifically he will react from the exact place of his developmental wound. For example, men’s movement writers Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette (1990) write about boy psychology [italics added] which means that they are stuck in an “immature phase of development” and are behaving from the developmental place where they were wounded. Moore and Gillette (1990) go on, “[man] remains a boy—not because he wants to, but because no one has shown him the way to transform his boy energies into man energies.” (p. 3). The man who feels ashamed is disconnected, or as Moore and Gillette hypothesize, he is a fragmented [italics added] boy leading a chaotic life as a man (1990). These two authors add, “No one has led him into direct and healing experiences of the inner world of the masculine potentials” (p. 3). Poet and mythopoetic men’s movement writer Robert Bly agrees and calls these men “half adults” (p. 45, 1996).  Bly (1996) believes men have not taken on the role of an adult male because elders have not initiated them into manhood. Male fraternities, where pledges are required to withstand hazing and intimidation as a symbol of masculine strength, are a good examples of immature initiation. Raphael (1988) sums it up here: “Fraternities, unlike primitive initiations, allow a youth to retain his childish ways while simultaneously laying claim to a more manly status” (p. 92).

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The rest of the paper begins to explore having a conscious initiation process to become a man using modern rites of passage techniques and systems. However, my attention now is on boys (and mom’s ironically) and men who are open to change. I feel saddened that most men are, as Thoreau put it, “living lives of quiet desperation” and remain resistant to ask for help or guidance.

Our culture supports disconnection and “numbing out” and has made it quite comfortable to be this way, so why bother? For a man to really bust out of his conditioning, a herculean effort and incredible hunger are required.

Neither of the practices (mentioned in the paper) supporting integration will even work if a man is not aware or open to them. So, a critical piece I missed in my master’s paper is that if a man is to change and grow, he has to A) know there’s a problem, B) be willing to admit it to himself, and C) take action by asking for help.

Ironically because of the boy code and man code, he has the strong likelihood of remaining trapped and stuck and will never feel the deep self-connection and connection to all that is.

Lastly, if I were to change the paper now, I would also unpack “initiation” to include a larger sense of meaning and spirituality. Men often do begin to find themselves when the game of life as it was played begins to crumble due to a crisis of some kind. When this happens, the door is open for transformation.

I’m committed to putting an end to the boy code by raising a son to be whomever he is naturally. I have one shot and he’s up against a lot in this culture. I’ll need other dads and boys who are equally as committed. Boys need a true hero’s journey mid-wifed by badass Dad’s who are fully showing up for their son’s.

I’m working on a project as we speak to help parents raise amazing boys– BoyStrong.

A great related article by my dear friend Christiane is called Boys as Sacrificial Offerings.