JE-SUSS-LUT: Seriously Satirical Stories

The Safety Fairy Tells You How To NOT park on Crosswalks

noreply@blogger.com (NEGZ and The Negative Nation) — Thu, 16 Jul 2015 09:57:00 +0000

The SAFETY FAIRY gives a lesson on how yo NOT park on Crosswalks.
Some of the Parents or "ADULTS" feel entitled to park ON crosswalks, so they can be close, and not mess up their $44 hairdos. They have also parked in the Handicapped zone.
They threatened to punch a GOOD friend of TSF in the face for holding them accountable.
WOW...

Safety Fairy WILL be live on location at the school soon!

Louis C.K. hates Israel and loves french pedophiles

noreply@blogger.com (NEGZ and The Negative Nation) — Tue, 19 May 2015 00:47:00 +0000

Louis C.K. took the stage to do his "Saturday night live" monolog. Little did the crowd know that he was about to let the cat out of the bag.

I'm what seemed like an hour of kittens being killed with a ball peen hammer, Louis released a barrage of shocking revelations.

He began innocently enough, typical shocking Louis stuff. Then wham.

He admits to liking "mac Donalds" and his neighborhood french pedophile. Louis described in detail how he would go for rides with the man just to get a Big Mac.

Upon this revelation he admitted to hating Israel and Palestine because they smell different than Americans.

All of this can be seen on the Internet. Which means it is true.

Check it out.
Google

LOUIS CK LOVES MAC DONALDS AND REACH AROUNDS.

That's all for today.
Visit www.SuperFail5000.com for more laughs.

Assassination attempt on SHAQ unsuccessful - ESPN on the WarPath

noreply@blogger.com (NEGZ and The Negative Nation) — Sat, 09 May 2015 03:30:00 +0000

An unknown assassin attempted to take out Basketball legend, Shaquille O'Neal.

Below is video of what transpired.

As you can clearly see, Shaq was set up. Local authorities are NOT looking into the matter. Something about hundreds of unsolved homicides. and 1 rich dick doesn't matter.

Stone Cold and Dixie Carter BURY Vince McMahon on Podcast

noreply@blogger.com (NEGZ and The Negative Nation) — Thu, 30 Apr 2015 21:01:00 +0000

Dixie Carter and Stone Cold Steve Austin BURY Vince McMahon on STONE COLD Podcast!

The marks are losing their minds, and the IWC has stopped masturbating long enough, to complain.

Dixie Carter appeared on "The Stone Cold Podcast" to deliver the DEATH BLOW to Vince McMahon and his Fledgling WWE. For years Dixie has DOMINATED the ratings, so much that she has went thru several television deals, because the stations can NOT handle the AD revenue and Attendance records TNA shatters week in and week out.

When asked what the final blow was, she replied.

"Wrestling is fake..."

Once this quote was released WWE stocks TANKED, investors were scrambling to sell, and buy up any investments in TNA. Many have HAILED dixie for using such restraint for so long, but it is TIME for their to only be 1 wrestling company, to produce crappy, predictable, story lines.

That company is TNA.

During the podcast, Bobby Roode and Eric Young,

were seen smashing pumpkins, outside the studio.

Baltimore mother hailed a hero for smacking kid around

noreply@blogger.com (NEGZ and The Negative Nation) — Tue, 28 Apr 2015 18:55:00 +0000

A baltimore mother is being hailed a hero for "doing what parents are supposed to do". In a day and age where men die for their country. Where fire fighters and police officers are being attacked by thugs and rioters. This woman is the hero for smacking her kid upside the head.

In a world where we are supposed to give in to our bratty entitled kids, she is a hero for doing what was right. I mean. Why not? It's not like there are other hero's in the world. Forget Iraq and the middle east. A thug, gang bangers mother is a hero in this world of second class heros.

Hail to you random ass woman.
May you start a 'go fund me' and get off welfare soon. Get yo nails did. You earned it by saving the world with this slap.

JARED LETOS Joker has rappers copying his GRILL.

noreply@blogger.com (NEGZ and The Negative Nation) — Sat, 25 Apr 2015 14:57:00 +0000

After JARED LETO revealed his JOKER LOOK for the "SUICIDE SQUAD" rappers, and Hollywood DOUCHE LORDS alike, ran out to copy his GRILL!

Justin Bieber had his made out of NAZI gold,

That's a little messed up if you ask me!

Not to be OUT DONE, Flavor Flav went for the GOLD FOIL look.

NELLY added 2 Chandelier's to his head to accent his net worth.

Marilyn Manson even got in on the action with his "Ate a spoon full of feces" look.

An INSECURE "LiL Wayne" seeks your approval on his SHINY new Gremlin Grill.

In the age of TECHNOLOGY, even BABIES are getting in on the action.

#JaredLetoChallenge

Ultimately it came down to this.

Jared was offered this deal with the relaunch of GAMEBOY.

No one cares about FADS, it is ALL about the money baby.

When asked or comment, all HEATH LEDGER could say is:

Ibrahim Ahmad - Suicide Bombers plans foiled at PROM

noreply@blogger.com (NEGZ and The Negative Nation) — Fri, 24 Apr 2015 19:38:00 +0000

IBRAHIM AHMAD

Thought it would be cute to disguise a "Terror Attack" by making it look like a "Promposal".

Thanks to the efforts of this man, those efforts were thwarted

and MURICA continues to be the #1 Country on planet earth.

FAT VIDEO GAME NERD

rushed the would be terrorist, put him in what he called "The YES lock"

and made him submit to America's almighty Obesity.

"People told me I was too FAT to be anything. This bothered me for years. So, I was standing around a random Highschool, hitting on underage girls, and I see this Middle Eastern guy walk in with a BOMB on his chest. So I did what my favorite wrestler "Daniel Bryan" would do. MAKE HIM TAP!"

This is FAT GUYS favorite wrestler, "Daniel Bryan".

Take today to hug an OBESE Video game nerd.

He MAY save your life.

(This story and any other bullshit on this blog is FAKE and MADE UP. STOP believing everything on the internet. Slapnuts.)

Jared Leto reveals his Kim Kardashian makeup

noreply@blogger.com (NEGZ and The Negative Nation) — Fri, 17 Apr 2015 11:40:00 +0000

As we all know, Jared Leto cut his LOCKS OF LOVE, his JESUS JOB, his fucking hair! TO become the joker, in THE SUICIDE SQUAD. I thought this was a movie about Kurt Cobain and Robin Williams, but I was wrong.

Leto posted a picture on SNAPCHAT

(Whose 10 second viewing concept has been negated by pic stealing programs.)

JARED LETO

AS Kim Kardashian

Leto HIT THE MARK when dressing up like MEDIA CLOWN and DOUCHE BAG banger, Kim Kardashian, When asked in an interview, how it felt to play the MOST TALENTED and IMPORTANT alive, he simply replied,

"Religious Experience."

No further words were heard from LETO, and he started rocking a baby doll, pinching his genitals with salad tongs, and skipping through a trash filled alley. People claim he is "Looking for inspiration" to be Kim even better than she can be Kim.

You know, pretending to be a parent, putting anything on your crotch to feel good, and walking amongst trash that thinks it is food.

BTW this is what LETO looked like before his transformation into a Kardashian.

YES Jared Leto IS Jesus of Nazareth, the band, HAIR OF THE DOG!

Article written by:

An Ape with a pension for poop throwing.

Joe's Bad Luck with the Alfonzo Bear-Bird

noreply@blogger.com (NEGZ and The Negative Nation) — Wed, 15 Apr 2015 19:01:00 +0000

This is a typical tale of some "Joe Schmo" who just happens to get through life by breathing.

Try as he will, nothing ever seems to go in his favor.
On a typical night, good ole "Joe" does the same thing he does every night.
Eat 3 frozen pizzas, and cry himself to sleep over the cover of a Hustler magazine.

The next morning he wakes up, half ass brushes his teeth, finds the least smelly shirt on the floor, and leaves for work.

As Joe is walking down the street he notices women are saying "Hi" and "Hello Meat Stick" and other out of the ordinary things. You see, Joe is NOT popular with the ladies,
NOT ONE BIT!

SO this takes him by surprise, and anxiety starts to kick in. At one point, the "Prom Queen" walked up and grabbed ole Joe's meat stick, and punched herself in the eye.

"What in the hell is going on...?"
Joe continues on his journey to work.

After a few minutes Joe has forgotten all about the incident where 10 women wanted his garbage. He arrives at his job, at the local convenient store (you know the kind with bullet proof glass).

After a rather uneventful shift, Joe goes to take the garbage out.

YES, trash, not his MEAT STICK. Although, he may have done that earlier, but we aren't here to discuss his libido, we already know he is sexually WE TAR DID.

Near the dumpster he spots something about the size of a Basketball.
"It's a fucking egg man!" Joe shouts "...and it's fucking huge."

Not sure why Joe is shouting, maybe in hopes that someone will STEAL it, relieving him of any responsibility.

Joe takes this big fucking egg home, keeps it warm in a nest of old ass news papers, empty boxes of beer, and by lounging and getting stoned on it. One day while burning a fat joint, the egg began to rumble.

"Holy shit, what is coming out of this thing?" Joe said turning towards the egg

The egg burst open, and it's a baby fucking bear!

"Wow, a fucking BEAR in a basketball sized egg!" Joe picks the bear up.
"I will call you, Alfonzo the bear. Yea, that's a great name!"

Joe raised this wild Bear/ Bird for 20 years.
One day, Joe came home from work, and was viciously attacked by Alfonzo.
Alfonzo ripped Joe's heart out, and there was no reason to be known for the attack.

Because bears can't fucking talk.

Two Midwest Men form the first "Casey Anthony" fan club

noreply@blogger.com (NEGZ and The Negative Nation) — Tue, 14 Apr 2015 01:26:00 +0000

THE CASEY ANTHONY FAN CLUB

Casey Anthony is best know for smoking cigars, and putting bottles into her body cavities. At one time, she did murder her daughter, and somehow, got away with it. In a land where CHILD MOLESTORS get probation and Drug Dealers get life, in America, you can get away with murder. So long as your case is so hyped up in the media that the crime takes a back seat to any actual justice.

Two men from the Midwest, who were MADLY infatuated with Casey Anthony.
(One allegedly has a cigar butt that Casey used as a sex toy. GROSS)
Decided to start a "Fan Club" for those in love with Casey.

"There are no FAN CLUBS for evil people in the world. She may be a murderer, but I will HIT THAT in a heart beat. Genital Warts and all." Explained one founder

"I don't think she murdered her child at all. My kids are all the time tying one another up and playing the storm drain game."

Upon talking to the Gentlemen, they gave us a copy of their newest commercial for their fan club. You can view it below in FULL HD and mediocre GREEN SCREEN!

As shocking as this, there seem to be MORE and MORE fan clubs popping up for the "Infamous" Americans and their crimes.

"Once the American media ruins them, they need to live. This allows them to make some money, buy cigars Champagne, a house... Maybe a car.

We just want to give back to those that have already taken so much."

They ask that you watch the above video before joining the Fan Club.

It may not be for everyone.

Below are some of the other "INFAMOUS FAN CLUBS" that exist as well.

Executed for defending herself against horny assholes.

Guilty of trying to chop fire wood, missing, and hitting her entire family.

Guilty of parking on a boat ramp and having bad brakes.

As you can see, not ALL of these women are guilty.

Women are persecuted 125% more than men because they have a vagina.

This is the actual wording in docket # 34.987 in Franklin vs Jackson 1923.

Support Women Murderers, they are people too!

(This entire article, site, and most likely my name too, is all SATIRE. You were told, now stop pretending you didn't know.)

Humanitarian mauled in effort to free caged Huskies

noreply@blogger.com (NEGZ and The Negative Nation) — Thu, 26 Mar 2015 01:24:00 +0000

The Story of James "Slim Maybe" Jones

Humanitarian and Animal Lover,

James "Slim Maybe" Jones, made history not once but TWICE, in one day!

James lives in a neighborhood where there are a ALLOT of caged animals.
They range from Dogs, Cats, midget horses, pigs, chickens, and even a few gerbils.

According to eye witness and family accounts. One day, while outside looking for aluminum cans and other scrap metals, Slim heard a loud, strange noise.

It was coming from the house of the guy with the HUSKIE DOGS.

Those beautiful creatures with BLUE EYES and soft white fur.

Being the humanitarian that his family claims he is, he went to investigate.

Upon arrival he is met by this man. A local DICK, who treats everything he comes in contact with, like shit. This guy can't even eat a sandwich without punching it, two, three times. Forget chewing, he just swallows it whole so it can suffer all the way down. This guy is the type of man who will beat up an old man, for his pipe...then break the pipe! I mean, well... I digress.

Ole Slim spots the "Huskie Dogs" in a cage, as if they are being hauled off somewhere.
The cage was small, and the dogs could barely get their noses through the bars to catch a breath of fresh air. James, or "Slim Maybe", had just acquired his concealed carry permit. (This moron has a gun hidden, legally, in his jacket. The rest is predictable, but we will go on.)
He pulls the gun, and shoots the man in knee.

He was aiming for his head, but missed.
According to SLIM, anyway.
(What moron admits to attempted murder.?)

After the local dick hit the ground, James tries to shoot the lock off of the box. Instead he kills one of the dogs, and injures another. He finally got the lock off with a shovel and allot of smashing. Once the door was open James, being the Humanitarian he is, climbs into the cage. Instead of Licks and cuddles, he is greeted by an Injured dog,
and 2 other VERY angry dogs.

(Who knew banging on a cage for 20 minutes and shooting one dog, would make them so agitated.)

A visceral tug of war ensues among the dogs, in the melee one of James arms are ripped off. Two of the dogs stayed behind to chew on the newly found treat, the injured dog went after James, well... His Genitals. Needless to say James requires multiple surgeries to repair the damage. The doctors have said that a gender reassignment would be less hassle, and cheaper for James.

James stated, may as well. I'm just a bitch with one arm anyway.

Old Man dies after seeing picture of Estranged Wife.

noreply@blogger.com (NEGZ and The Negative Nation) — Sat, 21 Mar 2015 19:00:00 +0000

Bob Robert "Billy" Williams, was full of life at the time of his death.

He had met a young woman online, and was living a virtual young mans life.

That was when it ALL went wrong.

Allow us to tell you a little about innocent Billy Williams, before we kill him off in print.

He was a modest man, who lived within his means, and did NOT have allot of money.

His interest were model airplanes, hummingbird watching, and bingo at the local VFW.

He was an orphan and a small pox survivor. Along with holding several patents to outdated inventions, he enjoyed lawn darts.

(After they were outlawed he bought ALL remaining darts,

and owns the worlds ONLY lawn dart obstacle course. Johnny Knoxville was rumored to visit weekly. Of course there is no evidence to support these claims.)

Years prior to any of this, ole Billy's wife had vanished.

No note, no trace, nothing missing, she just vanished. He was investigated, and ultimately exonerated of any and all wrong doing. The poor guy spent the next 50 years, entirely alone and depressed. Outside of his lawn darts and bingo, he longed for his long lost wife. That's when he met Olivia on a popular online dating site. (We shall not name said site, lawsuits are getting expensive here for Slander, and false reporting.)

So, Billy befriends this young woman, and request a picture of her.

He receives the following photo from the young lady.

Billy Collapsed dead immediately after seeing this photograph!!!

The Police later revealed that is his long lost wife on the left,

and his grand daughter on the right.

This was their way of letting him know that she were alive, and he had a grand daughter. She had also sent a letter explaining her 50 year absence. Details have not been released.

(Yes, this is the America we all live in and love now.)

Billy's daughter, distraught, submitted this picture, via Instagram, to show her grief.

(It is important to note that it WAS finals week.)

She changed her mind once she learned that Billy's patents had been generating millions, he had not know, and she was the sole heir.

The estranged wife and grand daughter got the Funeral Bill.

This blog is for entertainment purposes only.All claims, photos, images, names, and info are fiction.

Courtney Love has a NEW way of making ends meet!

noreply@blogger.com (NEGZ and The Negative Nation) — Sat, 21 Mar 2015 02:29:00 +0000

It appears that our beloved "Courtney Love" has found a new talent,

and a way to make ends meet.

We did not believe it at first, and had to confirm it personally.

After many failed attempts, we were sent this photo by an anonymous source.

(Who also wanted $50 to buy crack...)

YES, Courtney Love has entered the world of PROFESSIONAL HOTDOG EATING!

Watch out

Takeru Kobayashi

We are following this story and any developments that may come. We are certain Miss LOVE will do well, considering she has swallowed MANY hot dogs in her life. God Speed Courtney, the Prayer Warriors are on OVER TIME for you baby doll!

Woman in abandoned town stuffs HUMANS for MORBID museum

noreply@blogger.com (NEGZ and The Negative Nation) — Fri, 06 Mar 2015 04:14:00 +0000

Monowi, Nebraska, USA

(Picture provided by http://whenonearth.net/ This article is for entertainment purposes only.)

Nebraska is home to a strange small town in which the population is exactly one.

The once populous town has somehow died out, leaving only one resident who operates a bar and a public library for visitors, all on her own. The reasoning behind the mass exodus of people, and her staying, is starting to unravel.

A small crew of college film makers decided to visit this small town.

They were very interested in a library that caters to 1 person, and others passing through.

They were inspired by "The Blair With Project" and "House of 1000 corpses"

(Seeing as how both of those movies ended in tragedy, I can't see how they thought this was a good idea.)

(Photo courtesy thisisinfamous.com.)

When they arrived they found the town abandoned, except for the bar.

The bar seemed STABLE on the outside, but on the inside it was something out of "From Dusk till Dawn". A mariachi band, dancers, midgets serving jello shots made from used Breast Implants.

(Yes, I found this odd too. The chemicals mixed with alcohol create a Euphoric sense. Like that of an Opiate.)

(Photo courtesy www.bostonmagazine.com.)

The towns only resident, simply referred to herself as "The One", made her appearance after the group was intoxicated. At this point they began asking her questions and filming her replies. According to the data that was salvaged, she was very much into Taxidermy. The footage ends when she escorts the group into a Gymnasium full of STUFFED HUMANS!

This was the population of Monowi, Nebraska and their fate is unknown,

One of the students managed to escape but is in a catatonic state and is a ward of the state. The footage was all that was uploaded to "the cloud" during their filming. The town is so desolate that cell service is rare, and "The One" only had dial up internet access.

(AOL TO BOOT!)

(Photo courtesy of www.minddisorders.com.)

It was later to be acknowledged that "The One" had a "Wax Museum" in the abandoned school.

This was described to be a Tribute to those who left, and abandoned hope.

Instead, it is a macabre reminder that giving up can have dire consequences. Never give up, or some nut job "BOOK LADY" will stuff you, and charge admission to look at your body.

Article written by: R.p.C

Edited by: Spell Check

Photos provided by: Cited

www.SuperFail5000.com

See the WEIRDEST towns in America below!

(Check out www.SmallTownFamous.us for MORE offensive comedy.)

Welcome to JESUS SLUT.com

noreply@blogger.com (NEGZ and The Negative Nation) — Fri, 06 Mar 2015 00:59:00 +0000

You were probably redirected here by the domain www.JesusSlut.com.
This is NOT a mistake, this is correct, and you are in the correct place.

WHAT is this, you may be asking.
Jesus Slut.com is your premiere source of OTHER WORLDLY news, and entertainment.
We strive to deliver you the most entertaining NEWS STORIES from all over the world.
Most of all, we will be bringing you storied from SMALL TOWN AMERICA. Where the bible belt is strangling these poor people to death.

Favorite us, share us, bookmark us, like us, hate us, whatever.

We will be here for you, constantly turning the other cheek.
So long as we don't get a burn on the other cheek. Then we gotta keep going in a circle.

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT!