Major League Baseball star Jarren Duran, in the docuseries “The Clubhouse: A Year With the Red Sox,” bravely revealed that back in 2022, he struggled with depression and attempted to die by suicide. According to espn.com, Jarren Duran said not meeting his own expectations early in his major league career—as well as disappointing others—fueled his mental health struggles.

This takes a lot of courage to share, and Duran, in sharing it, helped to shatter stigma as well as help those who are struggling.

Around a year later, Duran is getting verbally abused by fans who are weaponizing his vulnerability against him, as detailed in this CNN article. Some fans are going as far as to encourage Duran to die by suicide, which is unthinkable, disgusting, and frankly unacceptable.

Please note: This conversation is for educational and awareness purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care.

The Gap in the Mental Health Conversation

This highlights an important gap in how we talk about mental health. We’re quick to praise the courage it takes to speak up, evidenced by the initial praise Duran got. But we then sometimes treat that moment as the solution, instead of realizing it’s the beginning of a much longer journey.

As I talk about in my social media posts, books, and speeches, mental health is an ongoing journey and it’s something we need to be mindful of on a daily basis. It’s not a one-off thing that we check off the list and then forget about.

While our society is certainly moving forward when it comes to the mental health conversation, we still have a long way to go.

Haters Come With the Territory

“Honestly, it’s my fault for talking about my mental health because I kind of brought in the haters,” the CNN article notes Jarren Duran saying.

Although it has come with some residual backlash, I still believe Duran made the right choice in speaking up about his mental health. I relate to Duran doubting and second-guessing himself, but the truth is he didn’t make a mistake in speaking out.

A lot of people have contacted me to tell them that I prevented them from dying by suicide, after they heard my intense story. I don’t enjoy sharing it, and it’s not easy to share, but it’s literally saving lives.

There’s value in putting your story out there. What I would say to Jarren Duran, if I could talk to him is this: Haters confirm greatness. React professionally on the field to even the worst of the haters, and then when you’re off the field, use it as added motivation to keep talking about mental health.

Apparently Duran flipped off one of the rude hecklers in the stands. I have a lot of empathy for Duran, as I’ve reacted improperly to difficult people many times in my life.

My very blunt opinion? People can suck sometimes, and Duran has a right to flip them off. With that said, if we’re coming from the perspective of professionalism and being a representative of Major League Baseball, then yes, flipping a fan off is not the best choice, even if they’re a complete idiot.

Speaking Up is the First Step

The reason I wrote this blog post is first, to applaud Duran’s courage even in the face of some really nasty people, and two, to convey that speaking up about one’s mental health challenges is a first step, not a final solution.

As a mental health advocate, I can tell you that while speaking up is in some ways liberating, it doesn’t solve a lot of the underlying challenges. Speaking up can lead to additional healing, when one is willing to embrace the long and windy journey, including seeking professional help. With that said, we as a society need to understand that mental health is so much more than just being open about what we’re struggling with—it’s an ongoing challenge and something we have to continually work on optimizing.

This means having empathy for others who have gone through mental health struggles or continue to go through them, even if we don’t understand what they’re dealing with. While Duran’s reaction can certainly be improved (we’re all flawed human beings, including myself), let’s also acknowledge that any fan who is weaponizing a suicide attempt against someone is simply a horrible person.

If you or someone you know is struggling, please call 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, and seek professional help. Jeff Davis is a mental health advocate, professional speaker, and author of four books, including The Courage To Leave: Breaking Free From Toxic Workplaces.

The post Jarren Duran’s Mental Health Story: Why We Need to Keep Talking About This appeared first on Jeff D. Speaks.

I first connected with Chelsey Brooke Cole on LinkedIn and was immediately drawn to her powerful posts shedding light on narcissistic abuse. She’s a psychotherapist and bestselling author specializing in narcissistic abuse and complex trauma. She wrote and published the book If Only I’d Known: How to Outsmart Narcissists, Set Guilt-Free Boundaries, and Create Unshakeable Self-Worth.

Chelsey and I share deeply interconnected missions centered on mental health. I’m an author and professional speaker focused on reducing the suicide rate and breaking the taboo around mental health, and in the summer of 2025 we had a fantastic phone call that led directly to this conversation.

In this interview, we dive deep into Chelsey’s story, how to deal with narcissists, the prevalence of narcissism in our society, and the profound steps involved in the healing journey. I hope you get as much out of it as I did.

Please note: This conversation is for educational and awareness purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care.

Chelsey’s Story: Growing Up with Narcissistic Abuse

“Chelsey, thank you so much for being with us here today,” I said. “I’m really excited to talk to you today.”

“Yes, very happy to be here,” Chelsey said. “Thank you for having me.”

“My first question in mind,” I said, “is regarding your story. I’ve been able to listen to some of your content and I’ve noticed you have a really powerful story, dealing with narcissistic abuse yourself. I’m curious for you to walk us through what you experienced growing up.”

“Sure,” Chelsey said. “When people ask me that question, I often say I feel like I’ve been preparing to specialize in narcissistic abuse my whole life. I just didn’t have the term for it. And that’s true for a lot of people. We’re dealing with narcissists, but we don’t know what to call it.

“So, I’ll give a bit of an overview. I’ve always been really interested in understanding why people do what they do. From a very young age, I was one of those kids reading self-help and personal development books. I think part of that came from my Myers-Briggs personality type, INFJ. I’ve always been interested in meaning, purpose, motivations, and understanding why people behave the way they do.

“Some of that was just my natural interest, but I also think I was trying to make sense of what was happening in my household without having language for it. I didn’t know that I was dealing with a narcissistic parent.

“On the one hand, I had a very loving, empathetic, compassionate mom who was involved and supportive. We had conversations about understanding people and their behavior, always with the goal of creating more connection and more meaningful relationships. I had that side.

“On the other hand, I had a very emotionally absent, neglectful, narcissistic father. There was always tension in the home. The tension would build, then there would be an incident, an argument, a betrayal, something would happen. Promises would be made that things were going to change. Sometimes they did, briefly. Then the tension would build again. There would be another betrayal, more promises, and those promises would be broken.

“Growing up, I became very used to that hot-and-cold dynamic. Things would get better for a short time and then fall apart again. As a kid, you hold onto hope that things will change, that things will be different. I remember thinking maybe someday I could have the kind of relationship with my dad that I saw other people have. But that never happened.

“He was much more interested in control than connection. Criticism was constant, and I grew up feeling like I was never enough. That mindset carried into adulthood and into my first dating relationships. I also became an overachiever early on, which is very common for people raised by narcissistic parents. I started college at sixteen, finished my master’s by twenty-two, and I’ve been working as a full-time therapist ever since.

“Underneath all of that, there was this constant, gnawing feeling, something I know many survivors experience, of not being enough. There was a sense that something was wrong with me, that I was fundamentally flawed. After all, who has a parent who doesn’t love them or treat them well?

“So often, we take that shame on ourselves, when in reality it belongs to the narcissistic parent. We don’t realize that until much later in life. That was the mindset I carried into my adult relationships. I had two particularly narcissistic romantic relationships. I’ve dealt with narcissists in different spaces, but two stand out, one with a grandiose narcissist and one with a vulnerable narcissist. Both had dark triad traits.

“The first was with a grandiose narcissist. That type tends to be charming, charismatic, extroverted, over-the-top, and very affectionate. When that relationship ended, I didn’t fully understand what I had experienced. I just thought, ‘OK, I was with a jerk. I know I don’t want that again.’ I didn’t know I had been with a narcissist. I didn’t know what narcissistic abuse was. I didn’t know what a trauma bond was. I just knew I wanted something completely different.

“And I definitely got something different, because I ended up with a vulnerable narcissist. That type often seems really nice, sweet, and unassuming. They can even appear harmless. You feel pulled to help them and support them. You often feel sorry for them. Your guard is down because they don’t look narcissistic at all. The grandiosity doesn’t show up in the same way.

“So, I ended up in that relationship as well. After it ended, I finally had to stop and ask myself, ‘What is going on here?’ There was clearly a pattern. How do I keep ending up in these relationships? How do I explain these behaviors? Because despite all my therapy training, all the books I’d read, and all the communication strategies I knew, nothing worked.

“All the typical advice, like telling them how you feel, giving them another chance, assuming they’re immature, or blaming their childhood, didn’t make my relationships better. It didn’t help my clients either. In fact, it made things worse.

“That’s when I discovered narcissism, narcissistic abuse, gaslighting, and trauma bonds. From that framework, everything started to make sense. My own experiences made sense, and so did what my clients were dealing with at the time. Ever since then, I’ve fully specialized in narcissistic abuse, relational trauma, and complex trauma, helping people make sense of these chaotic relationships.”

Standard Techniques and Advice Don’t Typically Work on Narcissists

“Wow,” I said. “Thank you, Chelsey, for sharing that. And from the bottom of my heart, I acknowledge what you experienced, and I really give you so much credit for using your superpower of being open for the benefit of all of us. It’s so hard to hear that you went through that, and I know a lot of other people are struggling with that as well.

“I have so many questions here because you just shared an absolute goldmine for all of us. One that comes to mind, and something I’ve learned from you, is that the standard techniques on these narcissists don’t work.

“For example, Brian Tracy is a very successful author. He’s written more than seventy books and he’s a great guy. He shared a suggested healing technique to use for healing with people who have hurt you where you tell them that you forgive them. So, I followed that technique with my father, and he proceeded to verbally abuse me. I realized it did not work and there was no opening there for healing at all. I’m curious how we can proceed when these typical techniques don’t work.”

“Yeah, that breaks my heart to hear,” Chelsey said, “because a lot of times that’s the kind of advice we initially hear with communication strategies and relationship advice, like share your feelings and tell them how you feel. And that doesn’t work because you’re not dealing with a healthy, rational person.

“I think the first thing to know is that we often positively project onto the narcissist. We assume they are like we are. They think like we do. They want the same things we want. They’re motivated by the same things we are. They don’t want a chaotic relationship. Of course they want peace in their life. They don’t want things like this. They’re not trying to purposely manipulate me and exploit me. They just don’t understand. We’re just having a miscommunication. We have different love languages, attachment styles, all the things.

“And that’s what keeps us spinning for so long, because there’s no limit to the amount of information you can Google these days. You can ask ChatGPT anything. You’re going down these rabbit holes and you’re constantly trying to make sense of something that’s never going to make sense until you recognize the type of person you’re dealing with.

“A huge thing to understand about narcissists is that they’re fundamentally disagreeable. And I don’t just mean that in a flippant way, like they’re kind of difficult. I mean, as a personality construct, which I can break down, they are disagreeable.

“So first of all, what does it mean to be agreeable? As most narcissistic abuse survivors are, we don’t see any reason for deception in social relationships. We believe in having open, honest, frank, sincere communication. We don’t really believe in bragging. If anything, we tend to underplay what we do because we don’t want to make anybody else feel bad.

“If you’re an agreeable person, you really care about what somebody else is going through. You’re moved by seeing somebody upset or seeing somebody cry, or even seeing something in a movie. You feel that. So you can have sympathy and empathy for other people. You default to being collaborative. You want to be cooperative. You want harmony in relationships, and you’re willing to oftentimes even sacrifice your needs, or what you want, for the greater good, for the good of the relationship, the good of the system. If you’re in a workplace, whatever it may be.

“Narcissists are fundamentally the opposite of that. So all narcissists are disagreeable, meaning they don’t value being humble. They actually will brag, and that is their preference. That’s their default. So they’re not trying to hold back and downplay what they do. They’re going to overinflate what they do.

“They believe that a certain amount of deception is necessary in social relationships, and that also comes because they see the world and other people as potentially harmful, devious, and dangerous. Their view of the world isn’t that most people mean well. It’s that most people are out to get me. That’s how a narcissist views the world.

“They’re not greatly moved by human suffering. They’re not very sympathetic or empathetic. They are more likely to bully or intimidate to get their way. So they’re not thinking, how can I collaborate? I don’t want to be unreasonable. I want to be fair. They’re not thinking any of those things. They’re thinking, what do I want and how do I get it?

“And so I think even just knowing fundamentally that narcissists are disagreeable is a really foundational lesson, so that we know you’re not dealing with somebody who’s looking at the world like you are.”

“Yes,” I said. “That makes a lot of sense. Fundamentally disagreeable, unable to be humble, and naturally very combative.”

“Naturally antagonistic,” Chelsey said. “That’s a word that comes up a lot. Antagonism is even this broader word that narcissism falls under. But if you just think of the interactions that we have with narcissists, one of the most common things we hear is just how difficult it is. Everything is difficult. Everything is more challenging than it needs to be.

“Simple things like coordinating schedules, picking up the kids, doing life, getting milk from the store, just normal everyday things, or even a normal conversation like, what time are we leaving for this event, can become an argument. And this keeps people so confused and so overwhelmed.

“And again, you can’t imagine somebody wants to live like that. But narcissists are also fine with chaos. They actually benefit from having chaotic relationships because it makes them feel powerful, special, and entitled. They like knowing they can have such an influence over you, that they can have such control over your emotions.

“To have chaos going on means they often have gossip that they can talk about. So they can triangulate people with, did you hear so-and-so is doing this? And again, that makes them feel special and important, to have things to gossip about. So in so many ways, they are living life in a very different way than you are.”

Do We Attract Narcissists, or Is It Bad Luck?

“One question I hear asked a lot,” I said, “is, do we attract these narcissists to us because of the unhealed aspects of our own psyche and souls? Or is it more just bad luck because there are so many out there?”

“There are a lot out there,” Chelsey said. “No, you don’t attract them. I think it’s really important that we know upfront that narcissists will exploit anyone. So it’s not that you’re attracting them to you.

“I think the more important question is, how do we get stuck? Some of us are more likely to get stuck in narcissistic relationships because narcissists are going to try to exploit anyone. So it’s not like something that you’re doing that has caused you to be in this relationship.

“It’s not your fault how somebody else acts. How somebody else treats you is never your fault. It’s always on the narcissist. So I’m always going to put blame where blame should be, which is narcissists. Being narcissists is their problem, not yours.

“But just in my own healing journey and working with so many clients, I think we can benefit from being curious about, why did I think I didn’t deserve decent treatment? Or why do I have such a hard time setting boundaries? What do I need to heal that makes me think I deserve this kind of treatment, or that I’m not worth being with somebody who would treat me better? Why do I tolerate this kind of behavior? Why am I normalizing it?”

“Wow,” I said.

“I think those questions can be really helpful,” Chelsey said.

Losing Hope: The Rock Bottom Moment With Chelsey’s Dad

“This is absolute gold,” I said. “I still have so many questions. Just quickly to backtrack, you mentioned your dad being very inconsistent, the broken promises, and obviously also the abuse, which is unthinkable. Did you have a particular rock bottom moment where you truly felt devastated to your core? Or is it more just the accumulation of many, many things over time?”

“It’s interesting,” Chelsey said. “Because rock bottom moments, a lot of times they’re not necessarily the big things. It’s like the last thing on the shelf that makes the shelf break in narcissistic relationships. They’re a collection of betrayals.

“I mean, the whole relationship essentially is a betrayal because they aren’t who they say they are, and they’re not who they pretend to be. So certainly, in all my narcissistic relationships, there’s a collection of betrayals that kind of goes on this psychological shelf because we don’t know what to do with it. We don’t know how to make sense of it. We don’t know what to think of it yet.

“So we’re just putting all these betrayals on this psychological shelf, like, that didn’t make me feel good. That wasn’t okay. But I don’t know what to do with it, and I don’t know how to process it or how to heal from it yet.

“So it was certainly betrayals over time. I think one particular thing, especially with my dad, really stands out.

“When my mom had gone to the hospital, she had some heart issues. This was when I was a kid and I was with my grandparents. He had called and said how he was sorry for things and that he was going to be different, change, be more involved, and things were going to be better.

“I must’ve been like eight or nine, and I knew how important that moment was. I was really close to my mom. I was homeschooled. She was my teacher, and she was in my homeschool group and my sports. I had a very full life, but my mom was my rock, especially growing up. So I was very emotionally distraught at that point.

“So for him to make a promise in that moment, it was a really emotional time. And I knew that if this didn’t change, if he didn’t mean it this time, then I didn’t know if I could go back. I didn’t know if I could try to trust again or have hope again.

“And literally within a couple months, it was back to the same cold, distant, controlling, critical behavior. So I think after that point, something in me kind of broke, in that I stopped having the ability to have hope.

“I was angry for a lot of years, honestly. And then I think I shifted to, this is where my perfectionistic qualities come in, I’m just going to be so perfect that you can’t tell me I’m wrong.

“A lot of his criticisms were like, oh, if you would’ve done this, or you could have listened to me, or setting up these scenarios where he wanted me to fail so that he could come in and save me.

“So in my kid mind, it’s like, OK, well if I just do everything perfectly, you can’t criticize me, therefore you can’t hurt me.

“And then of course, I’ve had to work on that throughout my life. But I think that was probably the moment where things changed, because after that point I was like, if you’re going to lie after something so significant happened, then that’s rock bottom for me. I can’t hope in that anymore.”

Dealing with People Don’t Get It and Dish Out Bad Advice

“Yes,” I said. “And I give you so much credit for being so self-aware and understanding what it did and does to you internally. That’s part of the healing journey so many people around the world are on when dealing with narcissists.

“There’s a lot of people who just don’t get it. They’ll dish out advice like, don’t take it personally, or just forgive them, or let it go, or come on, they’re your parents, or it’s family, or it’s a lifelong friend. How do you deal with people who just flat out don’t get it? It’s so frustrating.”

“Yeah, it is,” Chelsey said. “I take a breath even as you say that, because it is. And I certainly run into those people.

“Honestly, I feel very fortunate to be in the space that I’m in, because a lot of times the people I’m talking to do get it. Other professionals, or clients I’m working with, they’re coming because they want to get it, or they’re seeking understanding, or they already get it and just want to go deeper.

“But certainly I run into people who don’t get it. So the first thing, if they’re in my world, somebody I might know, I think it’s important we know who we can and can’t talk to about certain things.

“And it’s OK that you don’t open up your whole life story to everybody. If I talk about narcissism and someone says, well, I think everybody’s just a little narcissistic, or some people are just selfish, it’s so much more than that.

“So I might try initially to explain it, but I’m consciously not going to take responsibility for whether they get it or don’t.

“I think sometimes, especially early on in our healing, we really want other people to get it because we’re still trying to get it ourselves. Maybe we feel guilty for setting boundaries or for seeing somebody we love as narcissistic. So it really bothers us if somebody doesn’t understand, because we’re still coming to terms with it internally.

“But over time, and as you heal, you get more comfortable with the people who just aren’t going to get it. I can talk to them about hobbies or other interests, but I’m not going to open up certain parts of my life to them.

“And I think it’s important for people to know that’s OK. Not everybody has to know everything about your story.”

“That’s helpful for me,” I said. “I’m an open book, so I’m learning to be more careful about who I share with and who I don’t.”

No Contact, Low Contact, and Self-Trust

“Do you still have any contact with your father?” I asked. “And do you recommend that people cut out narcissists completely, or do you have other thoughts on that?”

“I don’t,” Chelsey said. “And it wasn’t really a choice. He was more the neglectful narcissistic type, and he hasn’t contacted me in years.

“But I don’t necessarily recommend or not recommend. I encourage people to think about what’s going to be most authentic and healthiest for them.

“My goal when working with clients and survivors isn’t to tell them what to do, but to help them build self-trust so they know what to do in each situation. There’s no hard and fast right or wrong.

“Ideally, if you don’t have to deal with a narcissist again, that’s great. But for many reasons, you may not be able to, or may not fully want to.

“You might enjoy certain aspects of the relationship if you can keep distance or limit contact, depending on who the narcissist is in your life.

“The question I encourage people to reflect on is, can I be healthy and stay in contact with this person? And if you fundamentally cannot function or show up in other relationships the way you want to while they’re in your life, then it’s time to consider disengaging, limiting contact, or going no contact.

“So it’s really about what’s most authentic for you, and what allows you to be the healthiest version of yourself.”

“That’s excellent and very helpful,” I said.

Your Turning Point Into Therapy and Authorship

“So you dealt with a narcissistic father growing up,” I said, “and you also had relationships with grandiose and vulnerable narcissists, which is incredibly difficult. I’m sorry you had to go through that. I’m curious what the turning point was for you to become a psychotherapist and bestselling author, and do the work you do today.”

“Yeah, it was definitely a process and a journey,” Chelsey said. “I’ve specialized in narcissistic abuse for a long time. Early in my career, I was also a registered play therapist, so I did a lot of work with kids and families.

“During some of the heaviest years, I was working a lot with kids and families and a few people with relationship issues. That helped because personally I was dealing with such heavy stuff.

“I don’t know that I could have been in those relationships and doing what I do now. I’m very fortunate to have a wonderful marriage with someone who is not narcissistic at all and is very kind. This really helps, and I had to do my own healing to get there.

“It evolved over time. I had to figure out what was going on in my relationships. When I finally ended that last narcissistic relationship, I realized I would sacrifice my whole life for someone if I didn’t stop looking at potential instead of reality.

“That was a big turning point. I had to look at my patterns, how I got there, how to make different choices, and how to value myself more.

“Through my own healing work, I learned about narcissism and narcissistic abuse. Coincidentally, that’s what I was helping my clients with as well.

“So out of desperation for myself and to help my clients, I made the shift. As I specialized in it and began promoting that work, more people reached out, and it evolved naturally.”

“Wow,” I said. “That’s incredible.”

The Value of Therapy and Trauma-Informed Healing

“Speaking of therapy,” I said, “I’ll be open and say I engaged in psychotherapy for two years while living overseas, and it was life-changing. I’m curious about your thoughts on the value of therapy and any other resources you recommend.”

“I’m in therapy as well,” Chelsey said. “I walk the talk.

“People often come to therapy thinking something is wrong with them. That was my mindset too.

“They think therapy will cure them, tell them what’s wrong, or just give them coping strategies. And while coping strategies help, therapy can do so much more.

“With a good, trauma-informed therapist, therapy can heal wounded parts of you.

“In my work, especially with childhood trauma or betrayal trauma from relationships or workplaces, therapy becomes a place to talk about things you don’t talk about anywhere else.

“These are heavy things. Many clients say they don’t want to burden their friends or feel like they’ve burned them out.

“So therapy becomes a safe container, a space just for you.

“Trauma-informed therapy helps put your symptoms into perspective. It’s not you, it’s what happened to you.

“Older models focused on symptoms and diagnoses and then applied CBT or DBT to fix them. Trauma-informed therapy asks, what happened to you? That framing helps people tremendously.

“Many clients downplay or dismiss their trauma as a coping mechanism. But when you do that, you see symptoms out of context and wonder why you’re anxious, depressed, ruminating, or repeating patterns.

“Therapy helps you see that you’ve been through significant things. Not to stay stuck there, but to give yourself grace, understanding, and compassion.

“And lastly, the most important thing therapy provides is relational experiences that change you.

“In therapy, someone responds to you the way a healthy person should. They validate you. They say, that was hard, that wasn’t OK, I’m sorry you went through that.

“That’s why the therapeutic relationship is the most powerful part of therapy. Research shows it matters more than the modality.

“You get to experience a relationship where someone cares about you and shows you what it’s like to be cared for. That’s incredibly powerful.”

“Very powerful,” I said. “And to everyone reading this, please know that seeking therapy is more than OK. Asking for help is a sign of strength and it will help you in your journey.”

Coaches vs. Therapists and the Importance of Fit

“This question came up for me,” I said. “We’re both active on LinkedIn, and there are great therapists and great coaches out there. Not every coach I come across has the depth and background that you do. You walk the talk. You’re a psychotherapist. I’m curious if coaches without that depth or training may not be as effective as someone deeply trained in approaches like EMDR or CBT.”

“Yeah, it really comes down to the person,” Chelsey said. “It’s hard to say. Some coaches are honestly more skilled in this area than therapists. I didn’t learn what I know now in grad school. Maybe it’s different today, but I had one class on diagnosis and that was it.

“We didn’t talk about different types of narcissists, gaslighting, or trauma bonds. You might hear about PTSD, but not complex trauma or betrayal trauma. I learned all of that after grad school through research, certifications, and personal experience.

“So it really comes down to the person. Even in therapy, the most significant healing factor is the therapeutic relationship.

“I always encourage people to ask questions. Do you have personal experience with this? How did you specialize in this area? Do you work with narcissistic relationships? Are you trauma-informed, and what does that mean to you?

“And most importantly, trust your gut. Listen to your body. If something feels off, even if they’re saying the right things, keep moving. It comes down to trusting yourself and asking yourself if you feel safe with this person. Do you feel like you could open up to this person? Does your body trust that person or do you get that feeling like something just isn’t right here? Do you feel really safe with them, feeling relaxed and calm? These are important things to consider.”

How Narcissists Are Created — and Whether Society Can Prevent It

“That makes a lot of sense,” I said. “That hits on it, and I like how you also pointed out that some coaches are indeed quite excellent. It really depends on the person, like you said, the vibe. What questions should people be asking to understand someone’s expertise and make sure there’s a fit? And I’m curious, how do narcissists become this way, and is there anything we can do on a societal level to stop creating so many narcissists?”

“I love this question, and I hear it all the time because everybody wants to know how narcissists are created,” Chelsey said. “I think the biggest reason people ask is because we want to understand it. We think, if I understand it, then maybe there’s a path to fix it or change it, or maybe the relationship could improve. Maybe if it was a bad childhood and they get help for that trauma, then things would change. Or maybe if they felt insignificant growing up and I showed them how much I care, the relationship would get better.

“So often, we can’t wrap our minds around someone being so antagonistic and difficult, and we think that if we understood why they are the way they are, then maybe things could change. That’s not the case with narcissists. So first, I want to get this myth out of the way: the myth that trauma causes narcissism.

“It does not. That is a myth. Because if trauma caused narcissism, then all of us who have childhood trauma would be narcissists, and there would be far more of them. What’s much more likely to happen when someone has traumatic experiences is that they become an anxious adult who struggles with boundaries, overgives, and sacrifices themselves.

“The tricky thing about how narcissists develop is that we can look backward and say, OK, these things probably contributed. But we can’t look forward and predict who will become a narcissist. When we look back at someone who clearly meets criteria — validation-seeking, exploitative, entitled, grandiose — what we often see genetically is a difficult temperament. We’re all born with different temperaments.

“Some people are naturally easygoing. Even as kids, you can see it. Some are more agreeable, some are happier, some are more giving. Others have a more difficult temperament. They’re harder to soothe, more emotionally dysregulated, and need more redirection to share and consider how others feel.

“When we look back on narcissism, we often see that difficult temperament combined with an environment that overindulges money, status, appearance, prestige, and how things look, and underindulges empathy, self-reflection, awareness, and meaningful relationships. Some narcissists do have trauma in their past, and I don’t want to discount that at all. But most people with trauma don’t go on to become narcissists.

“So it’s a complicated topic. It’s ongoing research. It’s like asking, what made you who you are today? It’s never one thing. It’s multiple things interacting together. The same is true with narcissists. And there’s also how the person responds to what happens to them. One person might go through a situation and think, I’m not good enough, and develop anxiety and low self-esteem. A narcissistic person might go through the same situation and overinflate, developing a grandiose sense of self to cope. So personality choices and meaning-making matter too.”

“Thank you for clarifying that misconception,” I said. “Because I hear that a lot. What I’m hearing is that trauma can be part of the story, but it’s not a simple one-to-one correlation.”

“I wouldn’t even say trauma causes it,” Chelsey said. “Trauma can be part of a narcissist’s history. I know that’s a nuanced difference, but it’s important. If we believe that myth, then we believe that addressing trauma will address narcissism, and it doesn’t.

“Even if trauma is part of a narcissist’s past, and even if they process it, that doesn’t change the fact that they’re a narcissist. Personality, once it’s set, is quite stable. Addressing trauma might increase self-awareness or heal some wounds, but it doesn’t remove entitlement or antagonism. That’s their default.

“As easy as it is for you to be kind and empathetic — you don’t have to think about it — that’s how easy it is for a narcissist to be exploitative and entitled. Asking a narcissist not to be antagonistic is like asking you to stop being empathetic. You’d be shutting off a part of your personality. That puts into perspective how difficult it is, and why we can’t assume healing their past will change their narcissism.”

Gaslighting and Holding Onto Reality

“That makes sense,” I said. “Another big topic tied to all of this is gaslighting. A lot of people struggle with it. I’ve struggled with it myself. When someone denies your experience, denies reality, rewrites the story, it’s incredibly hard. How do you find the confidence and awareness to not doubt yourself when a narcissist is constantly trying to rewrite reality?”

“When you’re in narcissistic relationships, you’re being gaslighted all the time,” Chelsey said. “These relationships are inherently full of betrayals. It’s one big gaslight, because they’re constantly acting like what’s happening isn’t happening and want you to agree with that. You’re living in a crazy-making vortex.

“So I teach an acronym called DLA: Document, Label, Affirm. It’s a grounding tool to help you remember what’s true. Documenting doesn’t mean writing everything down. It can be as simple as marking good days and bad days on a calendar. Smiley faces for good days, sad faces for bad days that can include criticism, contempt, manipulation. That alone helps validate your reality.

“Sometimes we think, maybe it wasn’t that bad, maybe it was a long time ago. Then you look at your calendar and realize, oh, they lied last week, or this betrayal happened two days ago. Time gets distorted in narcissistic relationships. Things feel good for a moment and you think, maybe it’s better, and then you see the pattern again.

“You can also write down highlights of conversations. What was said, what was agreed to. Narcissists often come back and say, I never said that, we never talked about that. Having even bullet points helps anchor you.

“Labeling means naming the manipulation. Instead of defending or explaining, you notice: there’s the gaslighting, there’s the criticism, there’s the triangulation. That distance matters.

“And affirm means reminding yourself why you’re doing what you’re doing. For example, people often stop telling narcissists about events until the last minute because narcissists consistently sabotage them. The narcissist will say, you’re selfish, you’re irresponsible. If you don’t know why you changed your behavior, you start gaslighting yourself. Affirming means reminding yourself: I’m doing this because of patterns in the relationship, not because something is wrong with me.”

“DLA,” I said. “That’s extremely helpful.”

Types of Narcissists and Patterns to Watch For

“You’ve talked about antagonism, lack of empathy, and many other traits,” I said. “Are there other major characteristics you’d add?”

“There are different types of narcissists, and that’s important,” Chelsey pointed out. We often think of narcissists as over-the-top, extroverted, charming — that’s the grandiose narcissist, and they’re easier to spot. Vulnerable narcissists look very different. They may appear depressed, withdrawn, self-deprecating. Therapists sometimes even treat them for depression initially.

“I encourage people to pay attention to how they feel in their body around someone. If you feel constantly pulled to fix, rescue, give resources, and leave feeling sorry for them, that can signal a vulnerable narcissist. They manipulate through pity and sympathy.

“There are also neglectful narcissists. They have all the traits, but they treat you like a ghost. You exist when they want something and don’t exist when they don’t. There are self-righteous narcissists, rigid and perfectionistic, who get supply from appearing flawless. And malignant narcissists, who combine narcissism with psychopathy and sadism. They’re the most dangerous.

“Narcissism comes in different forms. They don’t all look the same.”

Narcissism in the Workplace and Feeling Trapped

“There’s a staggering amount of narcissism in the workplace,” I said. “Leaders, managers, colleagues…it can be incredibly destructive. What advice do you have for someone who’s stuck, scared, and doesn’t know what to do?”

“Education and awareness are the first steps,” Chelsey said. “You have to know who you’re dealing with. Until you recognize narcissistic patterns and see them for who they really are, you’ll keep trying to make sense of them through your own lens, and that keeps you stuck.

“Using tools like DLA helps ground you. These relationships leave you confused and chaotic. Awareness lifts self-blame and helps you start making sense of what’s happening. Then you can find support — ideally with someone who understands narcissistic abuse — and go from there.”

“Wow,” I said. “What I’m hearing is that people aren’t alone.”

“They’re not,” Chelsey said. “Based on NIH data, Narcissistic Personality Disorder has about a 6% lifetime prevalence. That’s roughly 20 million narcissists in the U.S. If each negatively affects just five people, that’s nearly 100 million narcissistic abuse survivors. This is happening at epidemic levels.”

Forgiveness, Acceptance, and Letting Go

“What’s your take on forgiveness?” I asked.

“I think it’s more about acceptance and indifference,” Chelsey said. “If you start with forgiveness, you often force yourself past things that need to be processed. We need to acknowledge that it wasn’t OK first.

“A huge part of forgiveness is forgiving ourselves. People blame themselves for not seeing the signs. Self-forgiveness comes before anything else.”

“I’m working on a book where I share the severe narcissistic abuse I endured and how I healed from it,” I said. “And I’m featuring other people’s stories in it as well. Would you be OK with me sharing your story as a case study?”

“Absolutely,” Chelsey said. “That sounds like a powerful book.”

“Do you feel you’ve forgiven your father,” I asked, “or is it more a neutral acceptance?”

“It’s acceptance and indifference,” Chelsey said. “I believe people will ultimately be held accountable for how they live. I don’t feel it’s my job to hold that. I accept who he is, and honestly, I feel sorry for him for creating that kind of life.”

“Thank you so much,” I said. “This will help a lot of people.”

“My pleasure,” Chelsey said.

A Brief Note on Why This Conversation Is So Meaningful to Me

This discussion with Chelsey was particularly meaningful for me because it highlights exactly the narcissistic abuse that I endured as well. For the longest time I had no idea what it was or what I was dealing with, and all the typical techniques and advice didn’t work, even from credible experts. I was constantly manipulated and blatantly gaslighted, and even in my darkest moments, the narcissist I endured continued hurting me. I didn’t truly uncover how deep the chronic and complex trauma went until I was thirty years old (I’m currently thirty-six years old at the time of this blog post being published).

This isn’t easy to share, but I hope that in sharing stories like Chelsey’s and mine, we can help people figure out much sooner what they’re actually dealing with.

Chelsey Brooke Cole is a psychotherapist and bestselling author specializing in narcissistic abuse and complex trauma. She wrote and published the book If Only I’d Known: How to Outsmart Narcissists, set Guilt-Free Boundaries, and Create Unshakeable Self-Worth. Check out her website to learn more about her and her work and be sure to follow her inspiring posts on LinkedIn.

The post Understanding Narcissistic Abuse and Healing with Chelsey Brooke Cole appeared first on Jeff D. Speaks.

As a leadership speaker, expert, and author—and with this being an authentic leadership blog—I like to recommend powerful books that will take you and your team to the next level of success. Reading is essential.

Blair Stark is an award-winning Executive coach and HR professional who has worked with over 1,300 clients across the globe, predominantly in the Fortune 500 space. His new book, The Leadership Shortcut: A Practical Guide To 7 Fundamental Management Skills, is designed to be a no frills guide that distills his years of experience supporting the development of workforce leaders in actionable strategies you can confidently implement immediately in your everyday as a manager. His book covers 7 core skills:

1. Recognition
2. Delegation
3. Coaching & Developing Teams
4. Leading Change
5. Delivering Feedback
6. Running Effective One-on-Ones
7. Recruiting & Selecting Top Talent

As you know, leaders play a pivotal role in both creating and managing the employee experience. So many leaders are undertrained when it comes to the managerial side of their role and the impacts are very real: poor employee experiences that often lead to frustration, disengagement, and loss of top talent. Blair’s book is designed to help leaders become truly effective in their roles and ultimately better manage the employee experience, which benefits everyone.

I’m on a mission to address and reduce dysfunction in the workplace globally and Blair’s book will help us get there. His book is available for purchase on Amazon.

The post The Leadership Book Leaders Actually Need Right Now appeared first on Jeff D. Speaks.

I spent two years working part-time at a company in The Hague, Netherlands, which afforded me the opportunity to decompress from a lifetime of never-ending stress and to heal from burnout. In The Netherlands it’s standard practice to offer only a one-year contract (or less) when starting a new role. So, the fact that the CEO extended my contract for a second year showed that he liked me and was pleased with my performance. Since I’m sharing a lot of bad experiences in this book, it’s worth mentioning a positive one, too.

After this two-year stint, the CEO helped me land a job offer with a dynamic company focused on climate change initiatives. I aligned with the company’s mission and, after a thorough interview process, happily joined.

Unfortunately, the CEO of this climate change awareness company turned out to be quite disgruntled. She often yelled at the team, creating a tense and anxious environment. One of my colleagues consistently worked late into the night—sometimes pulling all-nighter—and still faced criticism from the CEO for not doing enough.

After seven business days at the company, on the morning of the eighth, I sent a respectful resignation email and walked out on the spot. The CEO said she respected my decisiveness, and I even referred a third-party vendor to help their company succeed. This experience taught me that choosing yourself and taking bold actions doesn’t have to mean burning bridges or creating hard feelings. Acting like an adult almost always works out in your favor. The shit shows often happen due to dealing with adults who are emotional children. And their lack of maturity is not your fault.

It became clear: it was time to move back to America. The Dutch business world simply wasn’t working for me anymore.

Another Job, Another Shit Show

I took a job as part of my move back to America while doing all the other stuff I do.

At the end of the second week, while giving a strategy presentation, I got into a big argument with the CEO Bob (name changed to protect his privacy). The other executive’s eyes went wide in the room, as no one really stands up to this jerk Bob.

After that huge argument in front of everyone, Bob invites me out to drinks (one on one). Conversation went well at the bar, so everything seemed fine.

The CEO was a tyrant, yelling at others, but he never really yelled at me.

Allow me to introduce the Founder, named Tim (name changed to protect his privacy). I work in the same office room as Tim, sitting across from him.

So, let’s fast forward to the end of December 2023, and Tim says, “Jeff, you’ve really succeeded in your role.”

The challenge is that the CEO doesn’t realize that the Founder is really the one “pulling the strings”, so the CEO craps on the team even when the Founder is the one accountable. The Founder gets away with everything because he’s the Founder.

The CEO Bob then made a statement, “You can never, ever go over budget.” So, I followed that clear directive. But the Founder, making up his own rules, and answering to no one (the Founder sits at the head of the Board), decides we can go over budget. Tim the Founder then proceeds to get mad at me for staying within budget.

I then got pulled into an Executive team meeting and the CEO, the Founder, and two other Executives all blamed me for NOT going over budget, saying that I was wrong to listen to the CEO Bob when Bob said, “You can never, ever go over budget.” They said I should have magically known that it was OK to disobey Bob’s direct orders.

I proceeded to argue with the Founder in front of the CEO and the other Executives, fed up with this man.

“You’re crazy, Jeff,” the Founder said to me.

“Yeah,” the CEO Bob chimed in. “Jeff, you should have known that it’s OK to go over budget. You take things way too literally.”

I asked the team if they thought I took it too literally and they all said no, I didn’t take it too literally—the CEO’s instructions were clear that we absolutely couldn’t go over budget.

The morning before the meeting where I got crapped on, I had resigned with a two-week notice. But two days later, I was so fed up and had enough…so I sent an email to the Founder Tim and the CEO Bob, copying in HR, a Board Member, the Executives, the Managers, and many colleagues, and I respectfully typed an email saying that I couldn’t function anymore in this working environment. I said that I wasn’t angry, resentful, or emotional, but simply had to leave on the spot for my own self-protection and peace of mind.

The Founder is the root cause, but no one ever confronts him, because he’s the Founder. The CEO has no empathy and could be considered a narcissist. Both of them are bad leaders.

After I sent the email many colleagues said to me, “Jeff, you’ve got some guts, man.” I’m also getting handwritten letters in the mail from colleagues thanking me.

Reflecting on the Experience

In transparency, being scapegoated by the Founder and CEO did trigger me based on being the scapegoat of my family due to the abuse of my father. With that said, it doesn’t make what they were doing right, and it was a repeated pattern.

They were chewing people up and spitting them out! First it was my boss’s boss, then my boss, then me, and I wasn’t having it. I could have tolerated more, but I had enough self-esteem and self-respect to draw a line in the sand that said, “Enough is enough.”

It’s also worth pointing out that I’ve been in toxic environments like this before and I have stuck it out for one reason or another. In this case, I was lucky and blessed enough to have another role lined up. I was desperate to get out of this awful company and the company I interviewed for in Tampa Bay was desperate to hire someone with my skills, so it was an alignment of needs.

I’m not saying you need a job lined up to walk out on the spot, but rather that each person’s needs and best course of action are specific to their circumstances.

Sending that email to the leaders and my colleagues wasn’t just for me: It was for everyone else in that environment who was struggling but afraid to speak up about it.

That’s the power in speaking up: you’re helping so many people around you, often those you may not even be aware of.

We’ve talked about some HR horror stories, so it’s worth noting: the HR Director at this company was fantastic and a genuinely phenomenal person. She understood my perspective, showed me empathy, and said she was going to keep fighting to make things better. A former cop, she was real, unlike the typical HR bullshit artist. Not everyone is evil and there are good people out there.

Jeff Davis is an award-winning author, most recently publishing The Power of Authentic Leadership: Activating the 13 Keys to Achieving Prosperity Through Authenticity. Connect with him on LinkedIn and subscribe to his YouTube channel. For three free books (The Power of Authentic Leadership, Reach Your Mountaintop, and Traveling Triumphs) in exchange for being added to his email list, email his Executive Assistant at meg@jeffdspeaks.com. Learn more about his story on his About page and feel free to check out his author page on Amazon. Also feel free to contact Jeff directly via jeff@jeffdspeaks.com. What Jeff does best is sharing his work experiences in a way that adds real value to others. Consider bringing him to speak as a mental health, authentic leadership, resiliency, and/or workplace culture expert at your next event. He’s also available as an Executive Coach. His new book The Courage to Leave: Breaking Free from Toxic Workplaces launches on April 18th.

The post How I Stood Up to Toxic Leadership and Walked Out With Integrity – Twice appeared first on Jeff D. Speaks.

If you stand up for yourself in the workplace to a bully and a dysfunctional person, you may find that you’re the only person in that workplace to speak up about it.

Most people in the workplace stay quiet, accept the nonsense, and tolerate the dysfunction. This is not a judgment or criticism of others. I have empathy for the reasons why someone decides to not say anything, especially in a toxic work environment.

I’ve been connecting with a lot of leaders lately – the kind of people like me who will be the anomaly that decides to speak up and say something. The kind of person who says, “enough is enough” and you decide to stop tolerating dysfunction in your workplace. I’d like to share with you that while you may feel alone, you’re not. There are a lot of people who agree with you, and who you’re helping:

• That lovely woman sitting in the corner of the office – she’s a single mother who is getting sexually harassed in the workplace, and she appreciates that you stood up to the bad boss.
• That new employee who you’re just getting to know – they left their previous job, where everything was fine for them, to come into this company for the promise of “career advancement” and a “great team”. It turns out this toxic workplace is nothing like they imagined it to be, and while they are putting on a brave face, they are internally freaking out, wondering how they’re going to get a new job so they can leave this dysfunctional job behind. This new employee appreciates your courage to speak up.
• That colleague of yours approaching retirement – they’ve sort of given up on life. They feel like no one cares, and while they don’t like the dysfunction, they’re numb to it because it’s all they’ve seen and experienced their entire working life. This colleague is inspired by your willingness to push back against the dysfunction in the workplace.

A Real-World Example

Let me provide you with a real-world, practical example. I once worked for a quite toxic tech company in downtown Rotterdam, Netherlands. At this company I experienced the worst boss I’ve ever had and, frankly, an entire culture of assholes.

It went beyond gossiping and backstabbing, which is bad enough. Colleagues were actively sabotaging me – not only spreading lies, but even trying to prevent me from getting hired elsewhere by badmouthing me to other companies. A lot of it was jealousy, but, in my opinion, it just came down to them being crappy, low-consciousness people.

While it’s tempting to open the can of worms here (and my blunt Glassdoor review was a long one and got lots of reads and likes!) what I’d really like to share is the power of speaking up. After six months of insanity, I sent a respectful resignation email to the CEO, explaining that I experienced the culture as completely toxic.

The CEO ended up giving me a counteroffer, allowing me work from home days, a better salary, and improved working conditions. With no other job lined up at the time, I took the offer and used the extra time there to continue looking for better options. While I didn’t change the nasty true colors of many of my colleagues, I was able to:

• Hire an intern and become his manager.
• Work directly with the CEO to build out an entire content team, something that my jerk boss (who ended up quitting the company well before me) said wouldn’t be possible.
• Shift the mindset of the company from constantly being preoccupied with short-term results to seeing the value in thinking long-term.

Even my haters at the company genuinely said to my face that I accomplished a whole lot while working there, in the way I did several public speeches, mobilized resources, and helped get SEO prioritized.

The point is that one person speaking up can make ripples, even when you’re surrounded by disingenuous people.

The Ripple Effect Is Real

It might seem like no one is noticing. It might seem like you’re all alone. But you’re not. People are sincerely appreciative of your efforts to make your workplace a better place, and for some people going through severe struggles, your actions mean the world to them.

Your leadership is valuable and it’s creating a ripple effect.

Jeff Davis is an award-winning author, most recently publishing The Power of Authentic Leadership: Activating the 13 Keys to Achieving Prosperity Through Authenticity. Connect with him on LinkedIn and subscribe to his YouTube channel. For three free books (The Power of Authentic Leadership, Reach Your Mountaintop, and Traveling Triumphs) in exchange for being added to his email list, email his Executive Assistant at meg@jeffdspeaks.com. Learn more about his story on his About page and feel free to check out his author page on Amazon. Also feel free to contact Jeff directly via jeff@jeffdspeaks.com. What Jeff does best is sharing his work experiences in a way that adds real value to others. Consider bringing him to speak as a mental health, authentic leadership, resiliency, and/or workplace culture expert at your next event. He’s also available as an Executive Coach. His new book The Courage to Leave: Breaking Free from Toxic Workplaces launches on April 18th.

The post The Power of Speaking Up: How One Person Can Change a Toxic Workplace appeared first on Jeff D. Speaks.

Why the World Can’t Afford to Play Games with War Criminals

While I respect the use of free speech in others, I can’t stay silent on this anymore. I have a right to free speech too.

The level of delusion in those who praise Trump and Vance’s treatment of Zelenskyy is actually astounding.

Let’s be clear: Volodymyr Zelenskyy isn’t a “cosplayer.” He’s a wartime leader who stayed in Kyiv while Russian missiles rained down, leading his country through an unprovoked invasion by a dictator who wants Ukraine wiped off the map. Meanwhile, Trump—who actually cosplayed as a strongman for four years—spent his presidency fawning over Putin and is now actively working to reward Russia’s war crimes.

Trump and Vance didn’t “discipline” Zelenskyy—they humiliated America on the world stage. They sided with Putin, insulted an ally fighting for survival, and told Ukraine to surrender to a genocidal regime. That’s not strength. That’s cowardice.

The people who fall for this nonsense—who think betraying allies and appeasing authoritarian thugs makes America “tough”—are the same ones who cheered when Trump let Putin’s troops roll into Syria, who ignored his praise of Kim Jong-un, and who pretended his business deals with China didn’t happen.

The reality is simple: Trump and Vance didn’t put “America First.” They put Putin First. And history will remember them—and their supporters—for exactly what they are.

Please note: I am not a registered Democrat. I’m looking at Trump and Vance as people and leaders, not based on their political affiliation. And I’ve criticized Joe Biden as well. In my opinion, at a deeper level this is a character and integrity issue, not a political issue.

Check out my post on ten reasons why Donald Trump falls short as a leader, which went viral. I’m an author, blogger, speaker, and workplace rights advocate. I’m known for telling the truth and standing for what’s right, even when others vehemently disagree with what I say. On Friday, April 18th, I’ll be launching my 4th book, The Courage to Leave: Breaking Free from Toxic Workplaces. Stay tuned.

The post Trump and Vance Disrespect Zelenskyy and Embarrass America appeared first on Jeff D. Speaks.

I’m in an indescribable spiritual vortex right now.

It started on December 1st.

I was hesitant, for a while, to share this. If this happened for a day, a week, even a month, I wouldn’t say it out loud.

I’ve been in an energy flow for nearly three months now. I’m not even exactly sure what’s happening.

This is the “download” I got from a higher power on December 1st that said to me, “Your 4th book will be launched to the world on Friday, April 18th.”

I wasn’t even gonna write this book.

A hugely successful entrepreneur said to me, “Jeff, forget the book. No one reads anymore. Work on creating a course instead.”

I bought all the high-tech, high-quality equipment for my new YouTube studio, and I started filming content for the video course, “Activating the Power of Authentic Leadership in the Workplace”.

The energy just wasn’t there.

It’s not that I didn’t believe in the video course, but I just felt like the video course needs to come later in my career, perhaps when I’m a bit more well-known than I am now.

My 4th book is “The Courage to Leave: Breaking Free From Toxic Workplaces.”

This may sound absurd, but I can’t even remember where I got the title of the book from. That’s what I mean when I say I’m in some kind of indescribable vortex. I’m a conduit. I’m not writing the book, the book is writing me. I’m just observing myself write the book – which is now finished and submitted to the publisher for launch on April 18th.

I thought the book did better as blog posts (meaning, no need to publish it, just leave it as blog posts). But the interest in the book is extraordinary.

I do reels on TikTok, YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, etc. And on some of these platforms they show you exactly who is viewing them. Hugely successful CEOs – who never viewed my stuff before – are watching my reels.

Most importantly of all? I’m helping others, tuned into my purpose. I just got a message last night from someone saying, “Jeff, you’ve helped and inspired me and countless others more than you will ever know.”

Something is shifting in the ether.

Maybe all those bad experiences I had in previous workplaces weren’t an accident or mistake. Those are the exact experiences I’m sharing to help people who are stuck in toxic workplaces.

I’m so deeply aligned with my purpose that I’m going through my day with a powerful energy flow.

I was hesitant to share this, as I didn’t want external judgments to dampen my flow. But this isn’t some short-lived thing – I’ve been in it for nearly three months now.

What if all the bad stuff I experienced is exactly what will take this book to epic success, as it launches on April 18th in America, Canada, UK, Ireland, South Africa, Australia, and India?

Jeff Davis is an award-winning author, most recently publishing The Power of Authentic Leadership: Activating the 13 Keys to Achieving Prosperity Through Authenticity. Connect with him on LinkedIn and subscribe to his YouTube channel. For three free books (The Power of Authentic Leadership, Reach Your Mountaintop, and Traveling Triumphs) in exchange for being added to his email list, email his Executive Assistant at meg@jeffdspeaks.com. Learn more about his story on his About page and feel free to check out his author page on Amazon. Also feel free to contact Jeff directly via jeff@jeffdspeaks.com. What Jeff does best is sharing his work experiences in a way that adds real value to others. Consider bringing him to speak as a mental health, authentic leadership, resiliency, and/or workplace culture expert at your next event. He’s also available as an Executive Coach. His new book The Courage to Leave: Breaking Free from Toxic Workplaces launches on April 18th.

The post The Spiritual Vortex: How I Aligned with My Purpose and Found Unstoppable Energy appeared first on Jeff D. Speaks.

The Year of Four Jobs and Workplace Chaos

In early 2017, I found myself in my accountant’s office, laughing my ass off with her.

In 2016, I had four different jobs, which meant I had a pile of W-2s to hand over. Each job told a story—a journey through toxic workplaces, unexpected career turns, and ultimately, personal growth.

Chasing Career Growth—And Finding Toxic Workplaces Instead

It all started with an awesome agency on the Connecticut shoreline—a place I really enjoyed working at. But I left for an opportunity in New York City, lured by a better title and a bigger paycheck. That job turned out to be a nightmare. Colleagues yelled at me on the work floor, and the role was nothing like what the VP had promised. I walked out on the spot.

From there, I landed at another agency in Connecticut, which was even worse—absurdly toxic. One of the defining moments? People literally laughed at me while I was giving a speech to the company. That part didn’t even bother me—I was getting laughed at all the time back then. But what did bother me? The CEO was corrupt.

(This is the company where I secretly recorded the CEO with a hidden camera. I still have the footage, and I mention this experience in my upcoming book, The Courage to Leave: Breaking Free from Toxic Workplaces.)

Quitting the Toxic Job and Hitting the Road

When I handed in my two-week notice, the backlash was immediate. The resentment, the passive-aggressive behavior from coworkers—it was all because they were miserable but didn’t have the guts to quit. It was completely outside their frame of reference that I stood up to the CEO, called him out, and left.

After that, I had enough. I got in my car and drove from Connecticut to Miami Beach—one of the best decisions of my life. The trip was mind-blowing, and I met countless people along the way.

As a millennial, I had spent years absorbing the boomer mindset: “The key to success is staying at one company for your entire life.” By the time I hit Miami Beach, I was questioning everything. I used the time on the beach to reflect, connect with my core, and process these challenging workplace experiences.

Turning Workplace Trauma Into a Mission

When I returned from that trip, I funneled all my anger and frustration from toxic workplaces into writing. The result? I published an award-winning book and started speaking at schools across America.

Students began reaching out to me—some emailing, others telling me in person—that my message helped prevent them from dying by suicide. Suddenly, all the chaos, the toxic bosses, the dysfunctional workplaces—none of it was wasted.

From there, I landed at a bigger company in Connecticut, which turned out to be a much healthier work environment. They even let me work remotely from The Netherlands in 2017—which was unheard of for them.

Finding Humor in the Struggle

So there I was, sitting with my accountant, telling her all of this. She started chuckling. I started laughing. The laughing grew louder. Then I completely lost it—laughing uncontrollably.

Up until that moment, I had been deeply ashamed of what happened in 2016. But this is the power of laughter. Suddenly, it didn’t seem like such a big deal anymore.

They were just data points. Just W-2s.

A Message for Anyone Stuck in a Toxic Job

If you, like me, have had awful experiences in the workplace, I hope this post makes you feel less ashamed.

Your career is a journey. Some jobs will be toxic, and some will be transformational—but no experience is wasted. And sometimes, the best way to move forward is to simply laugh it off and keep going.

Jeff Davis is an award-winning author, most recently publishing The Power of Authentic Leadership: Activating the 13 Keys to Achieving Prosperity Through Authenticity. Connect with him on LinkedIn and follow him on Twitter. For three free books (The Power of Authentic Leadership, Reach Your Mountaintop, and Traveling Triumphs) in exchange for being added to his email list, email his Executive Assistant at meg@jeffdspeaks.com. Learn more about his story on his About page and feel free to check out his author page on Amazon. Also feel free to contact Jeff directly via jeff@jeffdspeaks.com. What Jeff does best is sharing his work experiences in a way that adds real value to others. Consider bringing him to speak as a mental health, authentic leadership, and/or resiliency expert at your next event. He’s also available as an Executive Coach.

The post From Toxic Jobs to Success: How I Turned Workplace Chaos Into a Laughing Matter appeared first on Jeff D. Speaks.

I first met Earl Talbot through our wonderful mutual friend Anya Smith, and I’ve been able to connect with him at length. Earl is an entrepreneur, bestselling author, retreat leader, workshop facilitator, and personal development guide. His company, Creative Muscle, empowers people all around the world. His experiences are from living and working in the UK.

Blatant Racism in the Finance Department

Earl’s first corporate job was in the finance department at Ready-Mix Concrete. His line manager was an outright racist.

She made derogatory remarks in public, casually using slurs like “Pakis” when referring to Pakistani people.

She also made disturbing comments toward Earl personally.

“Is it true what they say about Black men’s genitalia?” she once asked, calling out offensive stereotypes.

It was an open floor with about 60 employees across sales, marketing, and finance. Only three of them were Black and of first-generation Caribbean descent.

Earl had no chance of surviving under her leadership.

The Unspoken Reality of Bigoted and Racist Work Environments

Earl noticed a pattern of silence.

Even though everyone around him knew how toxic and inappropriate his manager was, no one ever confronted her directly.

“People would whisper outside of work, ‘Isn’t she awful?’ But no one said it in the moment,” Earl recalled.

As a junior employee, he didn’t have the influence to challenge the system.

“I was made redundant at Ready-Mix Concrete because of my racist boss,” Earl said. “So I had to find another corporate job, hoping for a better experience elsewhere.

Hays Information Management: The Discrimination Lawsuit and the Bonus They Stole

Earl’s next corporate job was at Hays Information Management.

When he arrived, he quickly learned that another Black employee was already suing the company for racial discrimination.

The environment was toxic. Earl worked on a sales floor of 25-30 people—but he was the only Black man. The only other person of color was the Executive Assistant.

The racist banter was constant.

“Hey, it’s just jokes. It’s only banter,” his colleagues would say whenever Earl pushed back.

But what really got to him wasn’t just the racist remarks. They messed with his money.

Earl was given a sales target—and he crushed it.

He outperformed his quota by over 200%.

Meanwhile, two white new business sales reps were only around 50% of their targets (one a little below 50% and one a little above 50%).

After Christmas, the Executive Assistant pulled him aside.

“Look, Earl,” she said, showing him a spreadsheet. “You outperformed by 200%. These guys barely got to around 50%. They got their bonuses. You didn’t.”

Earl was appalled.

When he confronted his manager, the excuse was simple:

“We don’t have the budget for bonuses this year.”

That was a lie.

They had money for bonuses—but only for certain people.

It was systemic. They couldn’t say, “You’re not getting a bonus because you’re Black.”

So instead, they gaslit him and pretended the money wasn’t there.

“It wasn’t just about the comments,” Earl said. “They were actively stopping my career and my earnings.”

The Sales Training & The Silent Room

Another incident stuck out, this one at a different company.

Earl was in a sales training session with 20-25 employees.

A colleague from the Netherlands—a country with its own history of racism—made a comment about Earl’s skin color.

He inferred that Earl wouldn’t be attractive to certain women because of his facial features and complexion.

Earl looked around the room.

The trainer said nothing.

None of his colleagues spoke up.

They all just sat there.

No one even looked uncomfortable. It was normal to them.

“The trainer has a responsibility to shut that down,” Earl said. “But they didn’t. It shows that this stuff is both a societal problem and a company culture problem.”

If senior leadership allows racism and bigotry, then employees think it’s acceptable.

Being Black in the Workplace: The System is Rigged

Earl described how bias shows up in hiring, promotions, and evaluations.

For example, studies show that having a non-white name on your CV makes you 70% less likely to get a job interview.

“They don’t even read your resume if your name doesn’t sound Anglo-Saxon,” Earl said.

The issue is not just about individual racism—it’s about how entire structures are built to keep people out.

“In London, according to a recent Census, around 13.5% of the population is Black and 7.5% is Indian,” Earl said. “When including Pakistani (3.3%) and Bangladeshi (3.7%) communities, the total South Asian population rises to about 14.5%. But in many workplaces, the numbers aren’t even close to reflecting those demographics. You can’t keep hiring people that look exactly like you and then act surprised when your company lacks diversity and varying perspectives.”

In America, it’s just as bad.

“It’s not just race—it’s gender, sexual orientation, everything,” Earl said. “Women and people of color are underrepresented at every level, and if they do get hired, they get held back.”

Let’s bring some statistics to the conversation to show how prevalent this problem is:

• According to the United Nations, approximately one in six people globally experience discrimination on various grounds, with racial discrimination being among the most common.
• A Gallup poll indicates that one in four Black workers in the United States report experiencing discrimination at work in the past year; a University of Cambridge survey found that 88% of Black individuals reported racial discrimination at work in the UK.
• Catalyst’s research reveals that 51% of women from marginalized racial and ethnic groups experience racism at work, with higher rates among queer (63%) and transgender (67%) women.

Mind-blowing. Unthinkable Appalling.

It’s time for real change, isn’t it?

When Racism & Ageism Collide

In Earl’s most recent job, he faced a different kind of discrimination: Ageism.

“If I tried to apply for a sales job now, my age would be a problem,” Earl said.

Not because of performance—he was still sharp and highly skilled.

But companies want younger employees because they’re seen as easier to mold, more energetic, and less likely to challenge leadership.

“You see this a lot in tech,” Earl explained. “They hire loads of young people because they’re pliable. Meanwhile, the older, more experienced employees get overlooked.”

Earl saw firsthand how younger workers were treated better than their older colleagues.

“I was lucky to have a good direct manager,” he said. “But my boss’s boss? They saw me as a threat.”

The reason?

Earl’s experience and wisdom meant that colleagues came to him for advice.

And when people trust someone more than their actual boss, that makes leaders insecure.

“A lot of ageism comes from leaders who feel threatened,” Earl said. “If the people around them respect you more, they want to push you out.”

“This is so powerful,” I said. “And really shines a light on the psychology of it. Some people assume that because someone is older, they might be less qualified. The truth is often the opposite, and the strong skills and experience make some of the less-skilled managers out there feel uneasy.”

The Redundancy That Shouldn’t Have Happened

Earl’s last company made him redundant—but it wasn’t a fair redundancy.

His manager made it clear that he wanted to keep someone else, even though Earl outperformed that person.

Even a senior leader at the company admitted that the manager had done this to others before.

It wasn’t about performance.

It was about who they wanted to stay, based on a level of nepotism—supporting the people you are friends with.

Why People Don’t Fight Back

Earl could have sued multiple companies for discrimination.

But he didn’t.

And neither do most people.

Why?

Because the system isn’t built to support them. Lawsuits take years. They cost a fortune. Even if you win, you’re often blacklisted from the industry.

“In my opinion and experience, only about 1 in 25 people actually fight these cases,” Earl said. “And even the few who win usually get silenced by NDAs. Jeff, the fact that you defeated a corrupt company and can talk openly about it is rare.”

“Thank you,” I said to Earl.

“Regarding my former colleague at Hays Information Management who sued the company for racism,” Earl said, “he won. He got a payout. But he couldn’t talk about it. The company made sure of that.

“There’s no advocacy for us inside these organizations. They protect the abusers, not the victims.”

The statistics back up Earl’s experience. A 2022 report indicates that 61% of U.S. employees have experienced or witnessed workplace discrimination. But despite the high incidence of discrimination, a significant number of individuals don’t file formal complaints. In fact, the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) reported receiving 61,331 charges of workplace discrimination in fiscal year 2022.

A study by Forbes also highlights that 33% to 57% of U.S. workers are bound by NDAs or similar agreements, which can limit their ability to speak out about issues like discrimination. NDAs often deter individuals from reporting abuse, as they fear legal repercussions or job loss. Many organizations use these agreements to conceal workplace issues such as sexual harassment and discrimination.

Retaliation is another major concern. Employees who report abuse often face job loss or further discrimination, which makes them reluctant to file complaints. The American Bar Association notes that those who report mistreatment are sometimes vilified as “snitches” or labeled as disloyal employees.

The Culture of Cowardice

Earl left me with one last powerful insight.

“You’ve met me in person, Jeff,” Earl said. “I’m not a small guy.”

“What’s interesting is that these people wouldn’t dare say these things to me outside of work. They weren’t big, strong, or brave. But at work? They felt protected. They knew the company culture would protect them over me.”

And that’s what corporate racism and bigotry look like.

It’s not just individual bias. It’s a system that empowers abusers—and silences the people they harm.

This is the truth. A truth that most companies want to hide.

Earl is the Founder of Creative Muscle, a company focused on empowering others, leading retreats to help others get to the next level of success, and conducting powerful workshops on personal development, resiliency. He is a bestselling author and a trusted advisor to top entrepreneurs.

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Jeff Barnes is a successful author, having penned The Wisdom of Walt: Leadership Lessons from the Happiest Place on Earth, and other books. He let me know that he had relevant stories for this book, and wow – his stories connect perfectly into the key themes we’re discussing. 

Gratitude, but Not Without Dysfunction

Jeff Barnes spent 22 years in higher education, and while he’s grateful for how it shaped his career, he doesn’t mince words about the dysfunction he encountered.

“Incredibly dysfunctional and toxic,” Jeff said. “I was mystified and baffled that even asking simple questions or holding people accountable was seen as a radical act.”

Calling Out the Lies—And Paying the Price

At one point, Jeff was responsible for a campus, making decisions that directly impacted students. But what baffled him most? The blatant dishonesty from leadership.

“VPs would literally tell bold-faced lies,” Jeff said. “And being me, I called them out on it. Then my colleagues would look at me like I was crazy—What the hell are you doing? He’s the VP.”

“Yeah, but he’s up there lying,” Jeff would say in response.

That didn’t matter. The system was built to tolerate dysfunction, with zero tolerance for those who questioned it.

A System Rotting from the Inside

Jeff left that organization in 2013, but the decay continued. “Those campuses only deteriorated further. The same people at the top kept making bad decisions, getting recycled and promoted into new roles—without any merit.”

But Jeff isn’t looking to burn bridges. “I still have friends and contacts there,” Jeff said. “But leadership matters. Culture counts. And allowing bad people to be promoted instead of holding them accountable? Completely asinine.”

O.J. Simpson and the Tolerance for Incompetence

Jeff did a presentation on the 30th anniversary of the O.J. Simpson trial, using it as an example of how incompetence and our tolerance for dysfunction allowed the system to fail in holding people accountable.

“Our incompetence, and our tolerance for it, allowed O.J. to walk,” Jeff said. “Nothing is ever said, and we just tolerate it. Once you see it, you’ll never see the world the same way.”

The Family System That Trains Us to Look Away

Jeff believes this mentality starts young, within our own families. He recounted a story:

“At a family party, a kid took a dump in the pool. Instead of addressing the issue, the bigger violation was calling it out. Another kid – not the one who did it – pointed out that there was a turd in the pool. His grandma immediately started hitting him as hard as she could for speaking up. That’s how systems work—it’s OK to lie, but it’s not OK to call out the lie.”

The same logic applies in the workplace.

“It’s okay for the VP to lie, but not OK to call him out for lying,” Jeff said.

The Illusion of Competence

One of the biggest lessons Jeff learned? People aren’t as smart or competent as we assume.

“There’s someone I’m connected to who keeps trying to coach me while refusing to address her own root causes,” I said. “I’m not judging her, but I’ve noticed she’s incongruent – poking holes in my approach instead of facing herself. She means well, but something feels off. In the past, I wouldn’t have caught this.”

 “She’s just floating by on assumptions and the tolerance for incompetence,” Jeff said.

And nowhere is this clearer than in higher education.

The Business of Education: A Profitable Illusion

“Education is the ONE thing Americans are willing to pay for but don’t truly want,” Jeff said. “The business knows it and makes millions off of it.”

He described an outrageous example: “A course I took, I got an A—without any instruction, no exams, just BS. The professor outright admitted, ‘I don’t know how to use Blackboard.’ But no one held him accountable, so he got away with it.”

Even when students were blatantly wronged, accountability was nonexistent. “A class got canceled due to a flooded bathroom,” Jeff said. “Only one student asked for a refund—20 others didn’t. The admin’s response? ‘If we do it for this one student, then how many more will ask? God forbid we do the right thing.’”

“This is so ass-backwards,” I said.

“Exactly,” Jeff said.

A Society That’s Been Numbed

“The blatant lack of accountability is everywhere,” Jeff said. “It’s bad out there. And to some degree, we’ve been anesthetized. We’re taught to keep our heads low, do it again, and repeat it for the next 40 years.”

But Jeff refuses to stay silent. “Leadership matters,” he said. “Culture counts. And the only way things change is when people finally stop tolerating the dysfunction.”

Jeff Barnes is an author and speaker, using the powerful wisdom of Walt Disney to empower leaders to level up. He helps organizations build a culture of creativity and success.

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