Note: Click on any of the images for an enlarged version.

Image source: http://www.facebook.com/culturainquieta

Image source: http://www.facebook.com/culturainquieta

Image source: http://www.facebook.com/culturainquieta

Image source: http://psychotichumor.com

Image source: http://psychotichumor.com

Neurodiversity

“Everyone needs a friend, even those with ADHD and especially adults with ADHD. In this episode of Attention Talk Radio, hosts Jeff Copper and Kirsten Milliken interview returning guest Dr. Ari Tuckman about the need for friends, what makes a good friend, and how to find good friends. Together, they share advice on what to expect from a friend and what is expected of you as a friend, as well as the impact of ADHD on friendships. Their conversation includes tips around handling sensitive situations, when it’s time to move on, and more. If you have ADHD, you will find this show to be very insightful!”

A Few Pernicious Myths

1. ADHDers are masters at self-delusion. Some ADHDers see themselves as better, smarter, brighter and more creative than non-ADHDers. This might be true for the small percentage of ADHDers who are already intelligent, bright and creative. But the majority of ADHDers, especially those sitting in prison cells (a sizable number of prisoners have ADHD), are not smarter, brighter or more creative. Therefore, don’t assume a causal connection between intelligence, creativity and ADHD. The fact that a person may possess all of these characteristics and NOT be in prison, may be more an accident of circumstance than a result of the magical powers of ADHD. (See: Adult ADHD As A Form Of Madness An interesting form of this madness can be seen here. For those who believe that having ADHD will make you rich and famous, see this post.)
2. There are no “natural” cures for ADHD. Sorry Virginia. It’s true. Sipping various teas, taking vitamins and supplements, engaging in daily exercise, and so forth, may temporarily alleviate the symptoms but they cannot cure ADHD. However, that doesn’t stop some people from claiming they can cure it. Dr. Bob says he can do it in 18 days. See: http://www.druglessdoctor.com/shop/scripts/prodView.asp?idProduct=566 Jon Bennett claims he can cure ADHD in three easy steps. See: http://www.facebook.com/3Steps.ADHD My critique of Mr. Bennett’s “cure” can be found in the post How Not To Cure ADHD.
3. ADHD is not a death sentence, in the same way that diabetes is not a death sentence. But they both require vigilance, they both require that you be aware of how your body works and that you pay attention to warning signs. Your body will let you know when you may require a change in diet, medication or exercise.

Time-Tested Advice About Living With ADHD.
(This is an adaptation of an earlier post: Advice for the Adult ADHD Newbie.)

1. Be realistic. Do not expect to change yourself overnight. It is a slow and gradual process, but it can be done. (See this article from ADDitude.)
2. Realize that, at times, you will still stumble. That’s okay. The question is, not how many times did you fall but how many times did you stand up?
3. Get on medication. It takes some time to figure out what medication is right for you but, once you do, it works wonders. But don’t just take medication. Watch your diet. Eat healthy food. Take supplements like Omega-3. Get some exercise (long walks; bicycle rides, etc.).
4. Keep a diary. Jot down thoughts, feelings, events, triumphs and failures. Be sure to review it periodically to see where you may have made improvements and where you still need improvement.
5. ADHD is a moving target. You can, and will, get closer and closer to “controlling” it but, it’s a sly son-of-a-gun and will always outwit you. It is like a caged tiger, always looking for that one time when you accidentally leave the cage door open and, when you do, it will jump right out of the cage. That’s the nature of the ADHD beast.
6. Work with a therapist or ADHD coach who understands the challenges of ADHD. Your sessions will be much more productive if the therapist or coach understands the underlying forces that are causing your problems.
7. Learn to laugh about your ADHD. When you walk from your kitchen to your bedroom and forget why you were going to your bedroom — because something on the television caught your eye and your attention shifted — learn to just laugh it off.
8. Read. Reach Out. Learn. Read blogs. Read books. Learn as much as you can about ADHD. Go to a CHADD conference. Join a support group. Embrace your ADHD and then focus on the things that are most important to you, such as career, health, love and having some fun. Of course your ADHD is still with you but you don’t have to dwell on it. It is only a tiny part of who you are so learn how it affects your life, learn how to minimize its effects, and concentrate on enjoying your life.

P.S. I forgot to address the myth about the healing power of mommy’s kiss on your scraped knee. Seems there may be some truth to it.

The illustration was created by Andrés Rábago and was posted in the Facebook group for Cultura Inquieta.

Click here to see the other posts on the topic of loneliness.

Note: I have decided not to unpack what, I believe, are the multiple layers of meaning in this illustration. I don’t want to influence your interpretation of the illustration though, by simply stating that there are layers of meaning, I’ve already influenced you. Nonetheless, let’s use the comments to flesh it all out.

It has taken me fifty years to overcome the pain, to be willing to pull back the skin and not feel vulnerable. It has been an extraordinarily liberating experience. The more I say This is me the freer I feel. You see the evidence of this throughout this blog from my very first post written in June 2007 — almost five years ago!! — to this very post to my Day’s Rant to my Writer’s Mind. Being much older I care less and less about what other people think. The inner me is bursting at the seams with so much to say and so much to do. Get out of my way is my daily mantra. Move over! Big changes are here and more to come! Of course I must still be cautious. There are still those who will pick up a stick and start jabbing, and even if I can withstand the pain, I still feel it. But in my head I know what to say. You gotta a problem with me, buddy? Well, fuck you! Go live your miserable dessicated life in that hole in the ground you crawled out of.

I have to say I’ve been lucky. I do have some real friends. I’ve peeled back the skin and, sure enough, we’re still friends. Better friends, perhaps, for my having done that because it made it okay for them to do it too, even if they don’t have “the curse.” I’ll be seeing some of those friends later today at high noon. It’s our monthly lunch group meeting. We’ve been meeting for almost ten years. I’ll let you guess who runs the group.

* * * * *

1. Isn’t this the very problem faced by the LGBT community? They cannot be who they are and when they reveal it, they are extraordinarily vulnerable and the world teaches them to keep to themselves, to ‘stay in the closet.’

[ READ MORE ]

Admittedly this is starting to change. I’m experiencing echoes of Jeff-of-then, the reappearance of ideas that were the focal point of Jeff-of-then. Yet despite their reappearance, they do not completely feel like they are a part of Jeff-as-now. I feel I am reliving the memories of a person not fully connected to the same person who is writing this. It is as if two different people occupied the same body at different times. There is, of course, enormous overlap between them. They have been having very similar thoughts throughout their nearly parallel lives. They’ve also been sleeping with the same woman.

Post Script
I like to reflect on a post before making it “live.” I’ll walk from my desk to the kitchen, get some coffee, pet the dogs, then sit back at my desk. It is during those few minutes away from the computer that I may come up with new ideas or I may suddenly see connections that were not obvious when I was buried in the writing. The latter has occurred. Five years ago I wrote about this same issue of the “incomplete self.” However, the fact that I made this connection between a not-so-distant past and the present may mean that I am on the path to completeness, that I am slowly bringing together the different pieces of me.

See:

1. How Long Will “Me” Last?
2. A.D.D. Rage or The Centerless Facets

[...] I do know I support Chuck Parker’s (and Barkley’s) new suggestion for a name for ADHD. EFD or “Executive Function Disorder”. Sure, I’d prefer difference, but if we want those accomodations [sic] we’d better stick with disorder; which it is in the hostile linear environments in which we must perform.
(Thursday, January 19, 2012 at 8:30am)

To which I replied:

EFD? Maybe. Captures a little bit more of the essence of the problem.
However, I suggest the following as a new name for ADHD:
Sonofabi#!@F*%K@%SHOLE Disorder
I just haven’t figured out how to pronounce it.

1. My observations were based on discussions I’ve had with other ADHDers, which means it’s a very small sample size and not at all scientific.
2. As I noted in the comments, the “loneliness” did not necessarily apply to me. (More on this later in the post.)
3. Many of us have different types of friendships based on different factors: work friends; common interest friends (e.g., hobby; sports; college); common geography friends (how’s that for a fancy way of saying “your neighbors”); life-mate friend (which may or may not be legally recognized through marriage), etc. I have all of these types of friends.

However, the type of friendship that I had in mind when I wrote the first post was the type where you felt comfortable enough to share some of your deepest thoughts. I have two friendships that fit that bill. One (male) has been my friend from the age of 17. We see each other twice a year and have lengthy phone conversations about twice a year. But it was only in recent years that I realized that I could share with him some of my deepest thoughts. Another friend (female) with whom I share my deepest thoughts happens to be a cousin. Like the male friendship described earlier, I realized only in the last handful of years that I could confide in her.

*  *  *  *  *

A good friend asked me if, in light of the previous post, were we still friends. I assured her via email and assure her now that we are, indeed, still friends. That friendship started with a single mutual interest (we get together once a month through a local business lunch group) which has grown into a deeper friendship (talk about personal issues, usually of the “kids and education” variety but we also have some wonderful discussions about politics and society in general). A subgroup of the lunch group is forming around another common interest: writing.

So I’m not necessarily one of the ADHDers who is lonely yet, there are times, when I am, indeed lonely. It is probably caused by several factors.

1. The inordinate amount of time that I “live in my head.” One could argue we ALL live in our heads but it is worse for some ADHDers who have an excessive amount of thoughts, what Dr. Parker refers to as cognitive abundance (there’s more to this concept of cognitive abundance so you’ll need to read his post).
2. It is worse for some ADHDers who have been blessed with both cognitive abundance and intelligence. I’ve been astounded by how many intelligent ADHDers I’ve met (again, this is anecdotal data) who have done extraordinarily well in school (though some do quite poorly) and yet, somehow, despite their success, they had not been able to cultivate meaningful relationships until decades later and, in some cases, not at all. Further, they often felt like (and still feel like) misfits. This brings me to item 3 below.
3. If an ADHDer were to adapt P.D. Eastman’s famous book, Are You My Mother?, it would have to be retitled to something like, “Are You An ADHDer?” The deadly combination of ADHD and intelligence creates the type of person who constantly searches for validation of who they are. (I’m reminded of this comment made by Ariane Benefit: “Our culture does not tolerate misfits of any kind very well, much less support our rights to be different.”)

On A Related Note: I’ve been spending an extraordinary amount of time on fictional and biographical writing. A bit of it can be seen here. To polish my skills I purchased the Write Great Fiction collection of books. Even after reading these books I may still never write great fiction. But I learned something more valuable. Many of the struggles I’ve had, and still have, with my writing are the struggles that MANY writers face. Many of the struggles that, prior to my ADHD diagnosis, I had assumed were signs of my inability to write and which, post-ADHD diagnosis, I had assumed were signs of ADHD, are in actuality the SAME STRUGGLES faced by many writers. What I now realize is that the struggles are exacerbated by the ADHD and not necessarily caused by the ADHD.

4. There is one more factor that needs to be acknowledged: ADHDers are not easy to be with. They can often be their own worst enemy. They often create the very conditions that make friendships, at any level, to be difficult and, in some cases, impossible.

Post Script
I must acknowledge how this blog and the sometimes detestable Facebook has made it possible for me to talk with fellow ADHDers and also to the non-ADHDers who live with them. Even the lowly telephone has played a role in collapsing geography. Together, these technologies have made it possible for us to digitally “bare our souls,” creating friendships that I would not have had otherwise. Some day I may have the opportunity to see them in person and give them a hug. In the interim, I hope they can accept this virtual hug in lieu of a real one. They have enriched my life in more ways than they can imagine. And for those I see in person, since ADHDers have memory problems, remind me that I owe you a hug too.

       ___                  ____                  ___
  ____(   \              .-'    `-.              /   )____
 (____     \_____       /  (O  O)  \       _____/     ____)
(____            `-----(      )     )-----'            ____)
 (____     _____________\  .____.  /_____________     ____)
   (______/              `-.____.-'              \______)

(Virtual hug courtesy of ASCII Art)

[CLICK HERE for Part III of ADHD and Loneliness]