The time is always right...

My future "way back when"

2013-03-30T08:22:09-04:00

my view from the tracks

woman on train sleeping in the sun

Wake up, think “I can’t wait til I’m back in bed later today.”
Leave your home, think “I just want to be at work. I wish I could just teleport myself there.”
Get to work, think “I can’t wait for lunch.”
Get to lunch, wonder what you’re going to have for dinner.
Get to the end of the day and think “Can’t wait for the weekend.”
Wish for vacation and once you’re there, think about everything you’re going to have to do once you get back.

We wish for the day to be over.
This week to be over.
This month to just end.
Next year to come.

It’s so easy to wish for the future. Think that things will just be better if you could speed through now. Sometimes we even wish we could skip “now” to get to “then.” The problem with this is that insistent wishing and dreaming about the future usually means that you’re not really in the present. And always wishing for the next usually means we’re never really happy in the now. You wish for the week to be over, but then once you’re in next week, you are just wishing for something else. Unfortunately, it’s not really human nature to say, “I can’t wait for next week,” and then to be thrilled once you get there.

I have had these thoughts and I have witnessed friends, family, and co-workers do the same. I know that it doesn’t make me happy to always be in my head -- in that space where you get to a destination and don’t even remember the actual steps you took to get there because you are daydreaming so hard you blocked out everything around you. I have been working really hard on being present and appreciating everything that is around me in the here and now. But it’s not always easy and I’ve had to figure out tools to keep me anchored here instead of in my head thinking about if and when.

I have to say that my new invention is slightly ingenious because it gives in to the leap and lurch of the mind. It allows for a jump into the future, but a very specific jump that helps me to get right back to the present. It’s about envisioning my future “way back when.”

Over my lifetime, I have had precious relationships with elders who have loved to tell stories. Reminiscing about their younger years and how they just wish they could for one day get back to that time when they were able to jackknife dive into a pool or run down the street after their young grandchild or live in the middle of the city with the world at their fingertips. And I think about their remembering faces while telling these stories. Welling eyes and warm smiles at having had these moments. Moments that now seem fleeting, so far into the past. It seems that at some point we stop wishing for the future and start wishing for the past. And that got me thinking about my future “way back whens…”

One day, I know I will remember back to these very days I’m living now and miss them so much. Wish to be back for a second to hug friends I couldn’t imagine living without. Wish to be back to be able to visit the cute one-bedroom I now share with Gerry in the middle of the West Village. Wish that I could have the energy to get to East Harlem every day to do work that I love. Wish to laugh with my brothers. My parents. Wish to be able to run to Boston for the weekend to visit Sue and Josh. Remember back to the day that Sue got her doctorate. And then on the train afterwards (a woman sleeping in the sun, flashes of brown tree trunks and deep blue water whizzing by) to make it back in time to be at Alicia’s baby shower. Becoming an aunt for the first time.

Today we are all living beautiful moments and future memories. One day I don’t want to feel like I am wishing and wanting to be back because I didn’t get to really live “those times” fully. I am only doing my future self a favor by really enjoying these times right now. And it’s an easy thing to remember. Every now and then I will be with friends or walking down the street and think: “One day I am going to really miss this….” And that gets me to appreciate how wonderful it is. Immediately.

Wedding wondering...

2013-03-15T20:20:27-04:00

When I got engaged a few months ago, I failed to immediately envision my perfect wedding (to the disappointment of many).

Within days, we were asked whether we had a date yet. The answer was no and continued to be no for a few stressful months. I didn't know what kind of dress I wanted right away and I sure as hell didn't have a color scheme (orange/grey? aqua/tangerine? what about hot pink and yellow?!). I have friends who have been thinking about their big day for years. They are ready for it. Me, I'm beginning to have a clue. And the thing is, I am really excited to be married. But I have realized that the more interesting thing about all of this is understanding what marriage really means to me and how it changes my relationship with Gerry.

At first, I couldn't really get into planning. It didn't feel like me. I soon realized that I was sort of acting out what I had seen others do: Put wedding boards together on Pinterest and scour other people's pins for hours at a time. Surround myself with a mountain of wedding magazines as often as possible. Make lists and then more lists. Spend hours on theknot.com. I tried it all. And then I realized what wedding planning looked like to me...

- Talking with friends about how things will change. Reflecting on the continual balancing act of making sure I spend enough time on "me" and not just on "us."
- Discussing with Gerry our plans for family, careers, and life.
- Making sure that I told all of our closest friends and family about this step...very careful not to allow a Facebook leak until that happened. Wanting to communicate directly to those whom we care about and those who care about us.
- Building a celebration that feels authentic to us. Invites are going to those who know us well as a couple. Very few friends/family who have never met one half of us or who haven't spent real time with us as a couple will be there. One of my closest friends is officiating. I am making the invites. We want this to reflect us and what is true of our life together.
- Gerry and I are being thoughtful about the amount of time we spend on planning in proportion to the amount of time we are actually living our lives. In the moments I've let it take over every spare moment outside of work and on the weekends, I have not been happy.
- This is not an inexpensive endeavor. We are trying to spend where we really care about something and don't spend if we don't believe in it. It's crazy to see how much it costs to get married to your best friend. But it doesn't have to be out of control. I have had a couple of great new friends talk to me about how they made their weddings meaningful without being over the top.

It's been interesting to realize what is important to me through this process. I have seen friends and family react very differently to wedding planning and I don't judge anyone who really gets into centerpieces. It's just not what I find myself wanting to spend a ton of time thinking about.

I am excited for our wedding and I know that by the time I get there I will have spent hours meditating on the meaning of marriage and envisioning all of the amazing people who will be there. People who have helped me to get to where I am today. People who have encouraged my growth, people who have become a part of my life through meeting Gerry (including his wonderful family!), and people who have been made happy by the fact that I have found someone wonderful with whom to share the rest of my life.

The community I want...

2012-09-27T23:03:02-04:00

Even though it's after 10pm and I'm full of fried chicken, I am also energized and hopeful. This is always how I feel after a Swirl dinner and I get to talk to others who similarly want to be honest about the flaws in our society, and think about positive ways to confront them. And this is not about getting together to pat ourselves on the back for knowing better. We acknowledge our own shortcomings and biases too. And our own inabilities - at times - to confront the very things that we also question.

Though many of us are strangers or new to each other, there is an honesty and a vulnerability that many of us are able to show to each other. I have talked with other Swirl community members about issues that I haven't even talked to some of my friends about. This openness and authenticity is what makes our community so different from any other community of which I'm a part.

Tonight we discussed:
- how we were raised to think about money and the lack of open discourse around class in our society;
- the reality of either hiding certain parts of our identity or emphasizing others in order to succeed in the workplace;
- the importance of real maple syrup on our fried chicken and waffles (we had dinner at Amy Ruth's in Harlem, after all);
- cultural bias in the game show, Family Feud - what are the demographics of the people who make up what the "survey says" anyway?;
- assumptions that others make about us based on the race we are/they think we are;
- racism in the music industry;
- whether Beyonce is actually a good singer or not (come on, we can't be serious all the time);
- and what steps we could all reasonably take when confronted with ignorant statements.

I feel lucky to have this group of people in my life. Swirl is living proof that if you have a vision of the kind of community you want and believe it's possible, you can absolutely build it for yourself.

Thank you to all of the Swirl members who have participated in our amazing community in the twelve years we have been alive. Happy Birthday, Swirl (we are 12 in October!).

Time flies.

2012-07-08T21:50:48-04:00

It's been almost a year since I last wrote here.

About a year since we lost Fuzzy.

More than a year since I left New Leaders...

...and Queens.

Almost two years with Gerry.

Three years since I got my Masters.

Four years since I stopped boxing.

Five years since I started my 30s.

Seven years since my baby brother graduated from college.

Eleven years since I was a teacher.

Almost twelve years since I founded Swirl.

Thirteen years since I graduated from Wellesley.

Some of these feel like they happened a lifetime ago. Some just yesterday. Time seems to speed the happier/busier we are...

Multiracial families: Counted but still misunderstood

2011-10-13T10:36:05-04:00

In the past couple of years, I have noticed a certain complacency that I never noticed before, in my eleven years of leading Swirl. The same passion and the same excitement around building multiracial communities had faded a bit. In the one year leading up to the Presidential election, we launched five new chapters (the norm had been a chapter every year or every other year). People were excited by the energy created by Obama's campaign, and they were motivated and eager to be a part of creating supportive and inclusive multiracial communities.

And then once Obama was firmly placed in the White House, something happened. It got quiet.

My theory was that it was all related to the claims that we were now in some sort of post-racial wonderland. I think it very much had to do with the fact that Obama is of multiracial heritage. This fact resulted in a sort of sitting back. A sentiment that sounded like, "we're good now." The idea that Obama understood so many of us, and that he cared about diversity was something that gave people a reason to relax. Take a breath. Stop pushing so hard. I understood this and even felt a bit of it myself. The other reality is that in an individual's development, one may feel a strong desire to connect to community at one point and not at another. Swirl has always understood and been supportive of this.

Organizations, academics, student leaders still continued their work, but it was clear that a lot of people - our members, our "audience" - were....gone. I heard the same from other groups - that membership started to lull. Student campus groups folded. It seemed that people didn't need our mixed groups in the same way they had, previously. Before Obama. Before "check all that apply" on the U.S. Census.

But had things changed all that much? Yes, we are counted now. We know the numbers of multiracial people and interracial couples in this country. But do people start understanding one another and become supportive overnight just because we have a tally? Do things feel different for a multiracial person or a mixed family on a day to day basis?

Yes and no. I have heard from many people that things are better. That they are not questioned nearly as much. That people no longer stare in awe as they talk about the fact that their mom is black and dad is white. That they feel comfortable being all of who they are, at all times. It always makes me happy to hear that this is what people are experiencing. It means that progress is being made.

But others still experience the awkward questions. The demand by strangers to "prove" they are one thing or the other. Moms being asked how long they've been babysitting their own children. Stares, rude comments, family tensions and sometimes divisions. This is all still real and still happening.

And your experience, in part, is impacted by your context. Your circle, your larger environment. Where you live. In pockets, multiracial people and families are supported, recognized, understood. In others, far from it.

There are many ways that we have to fight racism and ignorance. It's absolutely critical that things happen on the institutional level, but that doesn't necessarily mean that the corresponding changes automatically happen at the cultural or individual level. And vice versa. Just because a change occurs on one level doesn't mean that the others follow neatly in line. We have the ability to "check all that apply" on the Census (which is huge), but that doesn't mean that individuals immediately understand the complexity of multirace. Things don't change overnight. We know this logically, but it seems that we sometimes want to pretend it isn't the case (see "post-race"). I want to live in bliss too, believe me. But a real one, that we work hard to create for ourselves...not a superficial one that we wish into being.

This piece was prompted by today's New York Times article on a mixed family. I hope that their story (and others) help to illustrate all that still needs to be understood.

A life of meaning and worth...

2011-10-06T15:00:00-04:00

One of my heroes passed away yesterday - Derrick Bell, a law professor and civil rights advocate. Years ago, when I read and resonated with his book, Ethical Ambition, I wrote him a note to thank him. I felt inspired by his choices and his courage to stand up for what he believed in, even when personally risky. I didn't necessarily think that I would hear back, but it was important for me to let him know the impact his writing had on me.

I remember him sending me a note in response - encouraging, kind and supportive. As I think about the loss of Mr. Bell, and his insistence of living "a life of meaning and worth," I think about how we can continue to fight for equity in the fearless and dedicated way that he fought. I hope that we will remember his energy and carry it on.

Similarly, I think about the creativity and breakthrough offerings of Steve Jobs. Those who came before us leave us much to do, and much to continue.

High ceilings and high hopes

2011-10-05T12:20:55-04:00

I just finished reading an interesting book by Scott Belsky that helped me to re-think the ways in which I work. I definitely recommend it if you like to reflect on your own systems.

One idea that I found fascinating was that you should choose a space depending on the kind of work you want to do. Before this book, I definitely thought about the environments in which I was most productive, but that was my only prioritized outcome - productivity.

I thought about:

- how much light I needed - natural light always a plus
- music, no music
- if music, how loud and what type
- people, no people
- if people, how friendly, how aloof, how busy, how chatty, could I trust them to watch my laptop when I needed to go to the ladies room?
- food/beverages, if needed

At this point, I was feeling pretty good that I had the right idea of what circumstances led me to a super productive day. But don't get me wrong. I still have those days that whiz by, leaving me wondering if I did enough, or did the right things.

Belsky took it a step further - productivity, but what kind? He talks about considering the actual shape/size of the room depending on the kind of work you want to do:

- Spaces with high ceilings for creative work where you are imagining and thinking about many possibilities.

- Confined spaces with low ceilings for implementing and executing; work that you just have to get done that doesn't require a lot of creativity.

It makes sense and jives with what I typically get done in certain spaces. The next time I need to be creative, I won't box myself into a small space. I'll think big and let the space follow...

Does this ring true with where you do your best creative work? Your best get-it-done work?

A new year...for community

2011-09-29T16:17:18-04:00

How often do we truly feel seen by others? A part of a community that will hold us in the good times and the bad? I have been reflecting on how rare that feeling has been for me - of true love and acceptance from a community.

This week, I had a couple of interesting moments that gave me a glimpse into the possibility of this sort of "community love."

1. At the center where I meditate on a weekly basis:
At one point, the speaker of this Tuesday evening's dharma had us turn to the person next to us and just look at one other, without talking. It's such a small act and something that feels so awkward because it's not something that we do. We don't stop and look into each other's eyes - and we are just talking for a couple of minutes here. It's uncomfortable because we are used to hardly looking at one another. Whizzing by strangers and never stopping to even notice them. Maybe even talking to people with whom we are interacting without making eye contact (looking at our phones instead, or up at the sky). And here I was, on a cushion, staring into this woman's eyes - they were sparkly and kind and I never felt such warmth from a complete stranger. This feeling of goodness and acceptance, without knowing anything about me. And I looked back at her, in kind - a true moment of goodwill.

2. At Rosh Hashanah services last night:
I think that part of why I am thinking about this concept of "community love" is because I never had it growing up. It's something that I chose to try and create for myself as an adult because it's something I wanted. I never felt quite accepted at the temple that my family belonged to as a child, and I never felt fully accepted by the Chinese/Asian community. Some of that has changed as I've grown older, but aside from Swirl, there aren't many places where I can feel such a sense of community belonging. Last night was the first time I ever felt at home and happy in a synagogue. You may argue (others have) that I don't go to the right temples. That there are diverse ones where I would be more accepted. That may be true. I'm realizing that for me, more important than the diversity of the congregation is probably the Rabbi. The Rabbi of the synagogue of my childhood made that experience such a terrible one for me, so it makes sense that the leader would be most important to my sense of belonging. What sort of tone does the Rabbi set? How does he build community and promote the coming together of people? This is what is important to me. Last night, Rabbi Marc Wolf at the Jewish Theological Seminary talked about the concept of "hamish" (yiddish for cozy or homey). And explained that "hamish" was what they were going for at that temple. They wanted to be the kind of place where people felt united, a community. Not the kind of place where people feel a coldness toward one another (a la "You stay over there, and I'll stay over here"). Where they just come and go. And I think that his very personality and way of being absolutely helped to promote this homey feeling. He was down to earth, funny, and kind. I wish I wasn't so surprised to actually enjoy the service, but I was. I suppose that after years of being disappointed and not really feeling any kind of connection, it was nice to feel that way last night.

I suppose the opportunities for community love are not always right there waiting, but they are possible. And if one can feel such kindness from an utter stranger who decides to start from a kind and accepting place, and assume good intent first, I think the possibilities for us living together in a more peaceful way are endless...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Please vote for me daily until November 10th so that I have a chance at winning 25k for Swirl!

I see montages

2011-09-27T15:30:56-04:00

Sometimes while I am on the subway listening to music, I come across the perfect song to which I can set my montage.

I visualize scenes taken from my current life that go with the sound/beat/tempo of the music.

You have to love a good video montage - different clips patched together, to tell the story of what someone's life is like at a particular moment. And all set to music.

When I imagine the movie montages that stick out in my mind, they are usually used to symbolize some sort of progress:

the love montage: a couple meeting, getting to know each other, and falling in love (why are they always chasing each other in the park and wrestling around in leaves or sharing a messy ice cream cone? Maybe I'm dating myself - cough-80s movies-cough!).
the underdog montage: someone getting good at something against all odds. A scrawny thing turned boxer (think Rocky or the Karate Kid), a meek person finally getting respect in the office, someone with two left feet becoming the best dancer this side of Fame (I love the 80s and I'm sticking to it). This montage is good for showing someone practicing and practicing until they are so good at [fill in the blank] that they can take on the best of the best.
the downward-spiral montage: this is reserved for break-ups, descents, and general sadness taking over. These are not the most fun montages to watch, but they do exist.

I think I've been visualizing my life in montages for a while now (strange to say) but I don't think I ever really stepped back to think about the behavior until today. I suppose it's a way for me to sort out what my life looks like - what I'm doing and how I'm spending my time. By splicing the scenes of my life together at any one time (because the montage most definitely changes from week to week, month to month, year to year), I get a good picture of what is happening. Does my life make for a really energizing montage? Or does the song end with me wondering what I'm doing and whether I'm focusing on the things that will make me happy?

Today's montage was definitely of the joyful sort. As this song came through my headphones, these were the quick scenes that flashed before me:

Me bouncing along as I made a subway transfer and stopping to help a sweet older woman with directions. Standing to talk with her for a few minutes as she thanked me and reflected on the kindness of strangers today
Me with some of my clients in a meeting, dry erase boards filled to capacity, working hard, but also finding moments for laughter
Me at my laptop, writing and smiling
Me in my kitchen, cooking with Gerry
Me with my family, walking in the city on a sunny Saturday
Me sitting quietly, contemplating the amazing things that have happened this year, as well as the losses

In this case (as I think usually happens - I will be more aware of this behavior moving forward!) the first couple of images, and the ones with most detail are things that will have just happened to me, and typically things that make me feel good. Those thoughts then lead me to think about the other things in my life that are joyful - joyful meaning happy or real.

I am not sure how long I've been doing this, but the visualization of positive elements in one's life surely leads to more of the same...

We need new vocabulary

2011-09-26T22:57:44-04:00

Tonight's conversation at the Brooklyn Historical Museum (BHS) was thought-provoking and energizing.

From discussing the "mixing" of neighborhoods through immigration and migration,
to exploring the ways in which different moments of history have given way to today's dynamics,
to hearing the diverse experiences of multiracial identity,
one thing is clear -

we need new vocabulary to have conversations about race and identity that do justice to the ways in which we are actually "living race" now (one of tonight's panelists, Suleiman Osman, first raised this very good point).

We can't simply explain ourselves by checking off a simple set of boxes and we can't tell a whole story in one line. You can't know everything about people by merely "reading" their faces. We need more time for dialogue, we need to work on developing our language to explain complexity and we need to develop our capacities to understand and absorb such complexity.

This was the start of more great conversations to come, through BHS' Crossing Borders, Bridging Generations project. I hope you will join me and Swirl as we continue in the dialogue.

And stay tuned for Swirl's upcoming projects - we are planning programs that will offer more opportunities for cross-racial/cross-cultural dialogue!
Thanks to Sady Sullivan and BHS for bringing me in to design and moderate tonight's great event...thanks to Katrina Grigg-Saito, Dr. Suleiman Osman, and Judith Sloan for being amazing and thought-provoking panelists and thought partners. Thanks to Loving Day for sponsoring this great event!