Jen Kirchner

An Update on my Next Series

Unknown — Sun, 15 Mar 2026 13:49:38 -0700

Hello everyone!

It's been a minute since I've posted an update on my next book. I’ve given you little hints, but it’s definitely time for a full update. I'm working on a spinoff trilogy set in the Kari Hunter universe. The stories take place in the newest Immortal State tourist trap in Listowel, Ontario. If you’ve read the Kari Hunter series so far, you may recall that this is where the voodoo cult had been hiding out for a century or more. The cult is gone… but they’ve left a lot of deadly paraphernalia behind.

When I first started thinking about this series and who our hero might be, I knew that I wanted them to be someone with a compelling mission. An interesting backstory. After posing a few questions to myself, I thought, “What if they were trying to solve their own murder?” I was immediately hooked. I knew I had to write their story.

The story follows Mara Ballerini, an immortal introduced briefly in Kari Hunter book 3, The Dark Door. Yes, this is the woman that Kari’s cousin and band leader, Brad Kasen, is hopelessly in love with.

Mara is determined to put all her focus into searching for her almost-killer, a mysterious immortal who used the dead cult’s magic on Mara and turned her immortal. Of course, Mara gets completely derailed only ten minutes after she parks her car in the conservator visitor’s spot. She’s pulled into a bizarre plot—someone is searching for very specific enchanted items that were left behind by the voodoo cult, and the dead bodies are piling up.

And it wouldn’t be a good comedy unless we threw Brad Kasen in there for funsies and romance. Mara was not expecting to see Brad. Brad was not expecting Mara to catch him there so soon. He’s not a stalker, honest.

On the “unpredictable” scale, I put Mara somewhere between Kari Hunter and Charlie Temple from the Interns series. Her problem-solving method is something nobody can predict.

As Mara might put it... Mara didn’t think she was dramatic. She considered herself “assertive with flair.” :D

The first book is currently going through edits, and I’m writing book two. Fingers crossed that you’ll see book one this year. We’re also planning on audiobooks for the whole trilogy.

I’ll have more updates for you soon. Stay tuned!

Until next time,

Jen

Stubby’s 2026 Horoscopes and Predictions

Unknown — Tue, 30 Dec 2025 14:00:22 -0800

Hello, friends!
I didn’t want to end the year without writing you some fun fiction. Err, I mean, this is from STUBBY, Kari Hunter’s third sacrificial knife. It’s back by popular demand with your personalized 2026 horoscopes and predictions.
First, a short message from Stubby:
Behold. I have seen the stars! Honestly, I had to nag Kari for days until she finally took me outside, onto the back porch. It was kinda cloudy and pretty snowy, but it was hilarious to watch Kari dance around and try to stay warm. HA HA! Dance, minion! Dance!
Anyway, I saw some stars. And I, Stubby the All-Knowing, who is connected to the mystical plane of the dead and most things magical, have seen the future. YOUR FUTURE! Now, I shall reveal what the fates have in store for you this coming year. Honestly, it’s all bad news for everyone, which is delightful for me!
Please note that all my predictions are 100% accurate or your money back—guaranteed.
Wait a minute. What do you mean, nobody’s paying for my services? Honestly, Kari, I am a treasure!

</div>
Disclaimer: Stubby is a necromancer’s sacrificial knife who lives in a cutlery box in a basement. Stubby has no life experience, no credentials, and no endorsements whatsoever. Stubby’s only been outdoors to see the stars three times in its entire life and has no connection to Seer magic. Ten out of ten Seers do not recommend Stubby for predictions of any kind. </div> </div>
ARIES
The stars tell me that you’re in for a year of introspection and growth. Anyone else would probably love that, but it’s you, and you’re weirdly outgoing and adventurous. Which means that your year is going to be a massive bummer. You will be visited by three ghosts, but not of Christmas—that trio is booked for another gig. Instead, you’ll be visited by the ghosts of your cringeworthiest moments of past, present, and future. As a bonus, they’ll spend extra time on your most embarrassing celebrity crushes and the times you tried to dress like them. Please record the evening and send it to me so we can all have a good laugh.
In 2026, your ruling house is Addams</a>. Your element is antimony (atomic number 51). In medieval times it was used as a laxative—a reusable laxative that was passed down to family members. Eew.
TAURUS
All will go well for you in 2026, Taurus… until you least expect it. This year, you’ll go to your favorite restaurant. The waitstaff will bring your order and say, “Enjoy your meal.” You will say, “You too.” You’ll never be able to eat there again.
In 2026, your ruling house is Conehead</a>. Your element is bromine. Its liquid form is black with red fumes oozing from it. Looks like something you’d find in the pit of hell. Or in Cthulhu’s toilet. Same thing.
GEMINI
Due to angry gypsies, you will receive two blessings and a curse: Surrounded by a rapt audience, you will suss out every single door that is pull and every door that is push. Everyone you encounter will enjoy chatting with you so much that they won’t recognize your cues to end the conversation, and they’ll continue yammering. In the quietest places, your stomach will notify you that it’s hungry with a klaxon growl. I’m not sure which of those are blessings.
In 2026, your ruling house is Spellman</a>. Your element is californium, atomic number 98. It is extremely rare and can start nuclear reactors. It is also extremely dangerous, requiring heavy shielding and extreme precautions. You’ll feel the same way about yourself all year long. Enjoy!
CANCER
This year, you will meet new and exciting people! When they tell you their names, you will not be listening and won’t remember them. You will meet every single person again in important settings… and resort to calling them dude, mate, or the ultimate dreadword, pal. Ugh. Have you thought about becoming a hermit? You should.
In 2026, your ruling house is Banks</a>. Your element, krypton, has been used for spying on other countries. Your ruling planet is Wasp-17b. It’s the largest exoplanet we’ve discovered, and, like you this year, it travels in the opposite direction of everything else.
LEO
This year, you will be haunted by a poltergeist named Larry who lived in a time without televisions. All he wants to do in the afterlife is watch politics on your TV at 2 a.m. He still has his bad hearing and tinnitus, so he’ll be listening at max volume.
In 2026, your ruling house is Munster</a>. Your spirit color is careless whispers, which is a combination of soft orange, beige, and the George Michael song stuck in your head all year long. That sucks for yooooooou-oooh–oooooooooooou… Oh, whoooooa… Now hit us with that sweet sax solo!
VIRGO
It will be an average year for you, Virgos. Nothing to really get excited about, but nothing too terrible, either. But fear not, Fate has not forgotten about you. This will be your year of epic clumsiness. You’ll find yourself bumping into door frames and tripping over your own feet, and don’t forget about your extremely embarrassing fumble-fingers. In related news, you’ll take “safe sex” to a whole new level. That is, if anyone dares to get within 10 feet of you. Clutz.
In 2026, your ruling house is Bean</a>. Your element is iridium, which isn’t naturally present on Earth. If it’s found here, it means it came from outer space. Not dissimilar to how your ex describes you.
LIBRA
Your ongoing rivalries will come to a head this year. Just before you’ve given up and conceded defeat, these adversarial relationships will turn into partnerships. Shortly after, you will realize that your auto-correct was on the whole time, changing your poignant yet succinct messages. That’s good ducking luck. You’ll finally turn the feature off, you think, and you’ll never feel friar. The downside: You’ll forever be introduced as the auto-correct king or queen. Your most humiliating messages will be printed and framed.
In 2026, your ruling house is Simpson</a>. Your ruling planet is TOI-6713.01, a smoldering exoplanet that’s covered in erupting volcanoes and melting from within. Your top love match is a dictionary and a decent spell-check program.
SCORPIO
One of your ruling planets, Pluto, will be locked into Aquarius all year, and it was considering blessing you with great things, but then it remembered that it’s been downgraded from a planet and is holding this against you. Considering that Pluto is just a chunk of ice and rock that’s 4.5 million kilometers away from us, its threats will probably amount to nothing. YOU HOPE.
In 2026, your ruling house is Robinson</a>. One of your ruling planets is holding a grudge, and Mars doesn’t want to get in the middle of it, so you’re kind of on your own this year. Your top love match is a telescope. You can never be too sure.
SAGITTARIUS
It’s time to get your life together, Sagittarius, because everyone’s starting to notice. How can they not, with your bizarre scent? Get organized, clean up your house, spruce up your wardrobe, and make a plan for your life. Still, through the entire year, you will have that nagging feeling that you’re forgetting something important. The feeling will follow you everywhere.
In 2026, your ruling house is that cool, butt-kicking royal family of Wakanda</a>. Your element is osmium, the densest of all elements. Your ruling planet is TrES-4b. Its density is the same as cork, and it’s considered a “puffy planet.” Like your mom.
Note: I’ve just been informed that, for the crime of a bad “your mom” joke, I’ve been sentenced to one week in the ugly underwear drawer of shame. But you know what? Worth it.
CAPRICORN
In 2026, you’ll focus more on your home life and get back to your roots. You’ll want to surround yourself with comfort and spend time with loved ones. You’ll also show interest in new hobbies and things that bring ultimate fulfillment. Before deciding which hobby is for you, you’ll try a wide variety of things, like skydiving, sports, knitting, and vengeance. I know which one I’m rooting for.
In 2026, your ruling house is Knievel</a>. Your ruling planet is TrES-2b, known as the planet of eternal night, reflecting only 1% of the light that hits it. Just like your soul.
AQUARIUS
This is the year for you to develop your ultimate family life. You’ll spend a lot of time fantasizing about what that means. Hot tip: I’ve heard that you can rent a different family if you don’t like the one you’ve got. If that doesn’t work, you’ll need to create better boundaries. I recommend a moat. Practical and stylish.
In 2026, your ruling house is Winchester</a>. Your element is francium (87). It is so radioactive that it evaporates itself, so we don’t really know what it looks like. It’s also killed everyone who has discovered it.
PISCES
A long term commitment is coming your way, Pisces. I will not provide further details on that. I’ll just leave the overwhelming fear and dread for you commitment-phobes to enjoy. Happy 2026.
In 2026, your ruling house is Connor</a>. Your top love matches are staying indoors with rocky road ice cream and Star Trek reruns.

I hope you enjoyed Stubby’s 2026 predictions. Have a very happy New Year!
Want more? Check out Stubby’s 2024 horoscopes</a>.

New release… and the story of my first audiobook!

Unknown — Wed, 05 Nov 2025 14:18:38 -0800

I have a new release… and this one’s an AUDIOBOOK.
That’s right, it’s my first audiobook ever. I recorded it myself, and the Spouseditor did all the sound engineering and editing. This exclusive audiobook is free for all my subscribers, which could be you! So if you aren’t signed up for my New Release Alerts</a>, now’s a great time to do it and receive my sweet, dulcet voice in your earholes… narrating a fresh new tale of Interns chaos.
Click to subscribe and get your free audiobook!</figcaption></figure></a>
Since the Spouseditor and I prefer the DIY method for most of our creative endeavors, this audiobook took two years to create—it started long before the new Interns novelette was a twinkling in my eye—because I first had to learn how to narrate audiobooks. There’s a lot of research, study, and practice that comes with such a project. Luckily, there’s a lot of information available. I read books and watched an untold number of videos. I checked out ebooks from the library, along with their audiobooks, and read along with professional narrators.
Finally, I reached a point where I just had to dive in and narrate things on my own.
The hardest part was listening to my recordings! I had all the normal reactions: Is that really what I sound like? Eew, do I sound annoying? I remember at one point, the Spouseditor and I were out taking a walk and he really wanted to hear some of my practice audio. I let him listen, and then I waited for him to say, “Uh, how about you practice some more?” But instead, he was really happy with how well I did! We both laughed about it because neither of us was quite sure what to expect. I was certainly struggling with being objective, so his initial feedback was encouraging.
And I just kept going after that: more research, more practice, more everything. Then the recording began.
At the time, we were living in an apartment with thin walls. The plan was to narrate the Interns trilogy, because I already had audiobook covers for them. (I didn’t order the audiobook covers; they came with the ebooks for free.) We assembled a ramshackle “booth” in our tiny bedroom closet (using clothes and blankets and towels to insulate the sound), bought a little microphone and recorder, and went to work.
I’d almost finished the entirety of A Master of Magical Machinery but had to stop because every time I tried to record, it seemed like every motorcycle in Seattle wanted to drive by. None of the chapters sounded alike, no matter what we did. After too many unusable recordings, I had to give up on the idea for a while.
But then we moved. It’s pretty quiet here. The only biker issue is the gang of ten-year-olds from down the street. And our new bedroom closet is juuuuust large enough to fit a small chair, a TV tray table, a microphone stand, and me.
High tech. Swanky. </figcaption></figure>
As I was finishing the A Menace of Magical Machinations ebook, I knew I wanted to try audiobooks again. And the free Interns novelette was an obvious candidate.
So here we are. It was kind of a long, annoying road to get here, but we finally made it… to the start of many more audiobooks! As long as you like them, I’ll definitely release more audiobooks for you. For now, subscribe to my new release alerts</a> and grab the very first one—an Interns of Magic Engineering adventure for your ears.
Until next time,
Jen

Speedrun your way to level INFINITY with these Life RPG cheats!

Unknown — Mon, 06 Oct 2025 14:16:44 -0700

I did it! I completed level 1 of my personal Life RPG and I’m now officially level TWO! It’s the equivalent of a toddler who can barely use utensils and might not remember how many fingers to show when you ask their age. But hey, progress is progress! If you aren’t sure what I’m talking about, check out this blog post where I discuss turning my goals into my own live-action RPG where I complete quests, get rewards, and level up: Get in, losers, we’re going to Mordor.</a>
It took me nine weeks to complete six quests of my own design. The quests were primarily focused on my big dreams of writing and health and fitness. Now that I’ve crossed the first finish line, I’m back to write a retrospective and share my experience—and some surprising tricks—in the hope that it will inspire you to start your own Life RPG journey. So let’s get into it.
Cheat #1: Arm yourself with correction tape</h2>
I bet you weren’t expecting me to say “correction tape,” but hear me out. Figuring out the difficulty of your level 1 quests is critical. After all, they’re your baseline. When you get to higher levels, you’ll probably repeat a lot of your level 1 quests at an increased difficulty. So where do you start? Think of your level 1 quests as Goldilocks and the Three Bears: If they’re too hard, you’ll get frustrated and might quit. If they’re too easy, you may question whether you’re really moving toward your goals or just wasting time. Like Goldilocks, you’ve gotta get the quests and their difficulty just right.
If you’re anything like me, you might create quests that are more robust than you’re capable of. Know what I mean? I jumped into the level 1 quests like Drizzt Do’Urden, but in reality I was more Rincewind.
For example, if I had set a goal to run on the treadmill for an hour, I wouldn’t have achieved it. I wouldn’t have even attempted it. Though it might feel amazing to write that goal down, the reality is that I enjoy exercise about as much as I enjoy a root canal. I would 100% bail on that quest, and then my Life RPG would fail. (No, I didn’t make a goal to do 1 hour on the treadmill. It was 15 minutes, and it felt like torture. Not only am I a little out of shape, I found it dreadfully boring.)
So, for the first week of my Life RPG, I tried out all my quests and then used correction tape to adjust them as needed. To keep myself accountable, the correction tape was no longer allowed after the first week. It was great because it forced me to engage with all of my goals in the first week. Procrastination: eliminated. And with revised goals that were still kinda hard, yet achievable, there was no excuse to quit.
Still, I can hear the roleplaying purists denouncing me and calling for the bucket of tar and a truckload of pillows. But I think we can all agree that it’s better to adjust and continue the adventure than to get demoralized and quit. Correction tape during week one: it’s the Up-Up-Down-Down-Left-Right-Left-Right-B-A of the Life RPG. Let’s not shame anyone for it.
Cheat #2: Individualized motivation and reward systems</h2>
Rewards are important—I talked about it in my original post—but my approach to rewards changed somewhere around week five or six. When I first set up my quest pages, I’d assigned specific rewards to each quest, but as I worked on my quests, the rewards became a lot less exciting. New yoga pants for completing my treadmill goal? That just sounds like I’m signing myself up for more treadmill quests. Clearly, I hadn’t considered the kinds of rewards that motivate me.
I did some cursory research and was reminded that everyone is motivated differently. Some are motivated by rewards, others by achievements. Some are more motivated by the idea or promise of a reward than the reward itself—and once they receive it, it doesn’t feel as exciting as the anticipation. Others are motivated by penalties—having rewards and perks removed. For most of us, it’s probably some combination of these.
As time went on, I realized that I’m in the category of people who like the idea of a reward but feel less excited when actually receiving it. So, I crossed off my specific goal rewards and instead created a list to select from. Then I divided the rewards into tiers. It’s kind of like an arcade with games that spit out tickets. The tickets can be redeemed for different prizes at the weirdly lit booth in the back corner. You know, the one run by the creepy guy who looks like he’d rather be anywhere else. The more tickets you have, the bigger the prize. If you skip two lower cost prizes, you could cash in for a bigger prize. Then you create strategies to get the one enormous reward. Who hasn’t done that before?
Just me? Liar.
With all that said, if you aren’t sure what kind of motivator you need, it’s not critical to identify it before starting level 1. I encourage you to pick some kind of reward system and then stay open to change.
Cheat #3: The looming 13th week…</h2>
I didn’t see this cheat coming. My writing work is scheduled in 12-week blocks. The idea came from a book called The 12 Week Year which was written by people who noticed that office workers scramble in December, before the end of the year, to hit their corporate goals or whatever. So, they came up with this idea to break up the year into 12-week blocks, 4 per year. When I first read this book, the jaded corporate drone in me thought it sounded like a scam, easily sold to executives who don’t care about anyone’s mental health or home life and that would love to see their employees scrambling all year long.
But I also have trouble taking regular breaks from writing (to recharge), so I thought I’d try it. For week 13, I scheduled a luxurious staycation of hardcore slacking. You know what I mean. Pizza and tacos for dinner. Reading and gaming marathons. Sweatpants and hoodies as a uniform.
So, while I was working through level 1, I saw the staycation coming up on the calendar. When it was still 8 or 9 weeks away, I didn’t think much of it. But as it got closer, I realized that I didn’t want to go on vacation with unfinished quests and projects looming over me—I’d be thinking about them during my break, and that is not relaxing. So, in the last 2 weeks before the deadline, I changed tactics and scrambled to get stuff done. On the first day of my staycation, I finished the very last quest and hit level 2.
Then it was video-game time.
Honestly, I’m torn about how successful the 12-week work block was. It felt incredible to have finished my quests and to sail into my vacation at level 2. But I don’t know how I feel about the deadline… and the scramble to finish everything. It was the very thing I hated!
But it also worked.
I have another staycation coming up, but whether I’ll succumb to the pressure of completing level 2 before it starts… we’ll see.
Ugh. You know I’m gonna scramble to wrap it up.
The 13th week as a break from quests: it really does work.
Cheat #4: Don’t use a “vanilla system” unless you want to</h2> Shortly after I published the blog post about the Life RPG system, a friend emailed me about it. I could see myself doing this Life-RPG thing, he said, but I would probably use the Ironsworn</a> system for it.
Cue the facepalm moment.
When I first drafted ideas for my system, I automatically wrote down the most well-known and commonly used stats (a.k.a. character attributes): stamina, strength, agility, charisma, wisdom, intelligence, dexterity… You know, the vanilla stats that many game systems use. I wasn’t even thinking about it. And I probably should have. Ironsworn’s stats are edge, heart, iron, shadow, and wits! The Witcher (the tabletop RPG, not the video game) uses intelligence, reflexes, dexterity, body, speed, empathy, craft, will, and luck. Cool, right? There are many other systems out there—fantastical, unique, and creative systems that give more color and depth to the games they support.
You could even make up your own stats. Do you want to level up your ninjatude and sexiness? You can do that. Or what about borrowing from other types of video games? Idle games encourage players to do a complete reset back to level 1 in order to (ironically) get even stronger, complete levels faster, and get more achievements. What about creative penalties like with Warhammer witches? If you want to incorporate a penalty for skipping too many days, you might farking explode and need to do something in order to resuscitate yourself!
There are so many more systems and attributes out there, and they’re all ripe for the taking—er, I mean, borrowing.

This probably seems like a lot of effort for a little goal-setting. Maybe it is, but it’s worth it. You’ll be spending a lot of time doing the Life RPG, so it’s important to make it fun. Don’t be daunted by the initial investment. When I crossed level 1’s finish line, I admit that I didn’t feel the kind of exhilaration I expected, like when you win an award or a big prize. It was a cautionary elation. That’s because my grander goals have not yet been achieved; my journey is far from over. But I finished a robust set of quests and started new habits that I wouldn’t have otherwise. And I’m having fun doing it.
The Life RPG is the start of a grand adventure of self-improvement and rewards. If I quit, I know I’ll regret it. The only way to feel really proud about the work is to keep going—keep leveling up, doing incrementally harder quests, and making changes that will keep the journey fun, even if it means investing a little time and creativity into it—all to achieve the bigger dreams at the end.
I wish I’d known all of these little cheats when I started this process. Luckily, this is my very own personal Life RPG, so I can switch it up and do whatever I want! Look out, level 3! You’re getting a system upgrade.

New Release: A Menace of Magical Machinations

Unknown — Mon, 18 Aug 2025 15:17:46 -0700

There’s never been a better time to sign up for my new release alerts, because I wrote an Interns of Magic Engineering novelette for you! It's exclusive to my subscribers, and it’s free!
A Menace of Magical Machinations is book 3.5 in the Interns universe. This story came from a curiosity about the next Interns trilogy. I already have ideas for the next three books (and my BFF has a short list of demands—brace yourself for the return of Troy’s lucky blue suit) but I still wanted to know more about what’s going on. Writing a novelette seemed to be the best way to find out.
This new story takes place one month after book 3, A Minefield of Magical Malice. LIORA’s magic engineering team is preparing their latest gadget prototypes for an upcoming Expo when the alchemy team upstairs suddenly goes radio silent. Charlie and Indigo are sent to investigate, and they uncover a scheme to steal the company’s secret formula.
The alchemy floor is locked down. The security guard is out cold. The power is knocked out… and Charlie and Indigo are not alone in the dark.
</a>

Get in, losers, we’re going to Mordor! (AKA: The Life RPG)

Unknown — Mon, 11 Aug 2025 15:08:29 -0700

Is your life feeling stagnant? Maybe you’ve got a list of goals you wish you could complete, but you can’t motivate yourself to do it? Or maybe adulting is too boring for you? Then grab your ~~sword and shield</del> pen and paper, adventurer! Join me on a journey of growth, enlightenment, leveling up, and, of course, QUEST REWARDS! I call it “Life RPG.”~~
It’s not actually a new concept. You’ve probably heard it called “gamification” because everyone seems to want to “gamify” everything. But that word’s a mouthful, and I always find it confusing. So I’m calling it “Life RPG.”
I started my Life RPG a couple of months ago after a couple of my projects hit major snags that meant I wasn’t going to achieve my biggest yearly goals. I had six months left in the year, and those goals felt impossible. My morale tanked, and I felt a little lost. When the dust settled and I was able to look in the rearview mirror, I realized that this hadn’t been the first time I’d missed big goals. In fact, I’d missed them a lot. All the time. Every year. My approach wasn’t working.
I realized that I needed a different way to approach my life and goals. Something more sustainable. Something that’s actually fun. So I sat down and mapped out my personal Life RPG.
I’ve been doing this for over a month now, and it’s already been life-changing. I can’t stop talking about it. (My friends are sick of hearing about it.) I fill up progress bars, complete quests, earn rewards, and work my way toward enormous goals.
If you’ve got a mountain of aspirations, or you just want a little more fun in your life, come join me in the Life RPG.
PART ONE: QUICK START</h1>
The TL;DR</h2>
One does not simply choose quests haphazardly. One also does not simply choose to work on a dozen goals at the same time. Doing so will bring about your gruesome and untimely demise!
So here’s the quick start section. My Life RPG is simple and fits on two A5 pages (or one letter-size page divided into two sections). As you can see, I am currently a Life Level 1 noob. (I should probably come up with different funny classes as I progress. There are funny class generators for this, after all.) I have five character stats, and they all start at level 1. Each stat is attached to a quest. When I complete a quest, I level the corresponding stat to 2 and get a specific reward for my efforts.
In order to reach Life Level 2, I have requirements listed: all stats must reach level 2, and I have to publish an Interns novelette that I’ve been working on.
I chose this simple system because I’ve seen other gamification that’s incredibly ambitious, enormous, and unwieldy. Some people level up their stats separately from their overall life level—it’s a ton of stuff to do and keep track of, and it looks like too many things to focus on. If you’re familiar with goal setting, you know that’s not always the best method unless you’re comfortable spending a long time completing those goals and maintaining your own motivation. I wanted a simpler system that I could complete a little more quickly. After all, this is supposed to be fun.
So, how to get started? Well, you need a dream—your own mountain where you’ll slay a mighty dragon and claim its enormous treasure hoard! And then you’ll need to back up a few steps and come up with smaller quests that will take you ever closer to your epic destination. No, you cannot just go straight to the mountain and slay the dragon. Because you are a level 1 noob, armed only with a pool noodle. Facing the dragon right now would be suicide.
So, first things first. We’re going to envision your destination—the enormous mountain where all of your dreams await—and then figure out how to level up along the way, so that when you reach the mountain, slaying the dragon and carting off its wealth will be easy.
PART TWO: DEFINE YOUR MOUNTAIN</h1>

So tell me what you want, what you really really want…

The Spice Girls, because I couldn’t think of a better quote to go here</li> </ul> </blockquote>
The best way to define your mountain is to dream big. Real big. Ask yourself: Where would you like to see yourself in a year, or five years, or just sometime in the distant future? If you could change anything about your life right now, what would it be? Do you have any “bucket list” items?
Grab a piece of scratch paper and a pen, set a timer for 5 minutes, and then write your dream list. Go ham. Let your thoughts run wild. Or run weird. Let it all out, and be absolutely honest about what you want.
Once you’re done, read over your list and cross off the stuff that you aren’t super sincere about. Do you really want to become a rock star? Maybe you just want to travel and have better hair. Or maybe you just couldn’t think of anything at first and writing that down helped uncork your brain-bottle. Rewrite the list. Add more things if you need to. You can have as many things on this list as you want. (My list has eight things.)
Yes, you’re halfway to a vision board here. These dream items await you on the enormous mountain in the distance. Do not lose this list. We’re going to break these down into simpler quests and receive rewards for accomplishing them.
But you must choose what to focus on first.
PART THREE: NARROW THE LIST OF GOALS</h1>

Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count… Five is right out.

Second Brother, Monty Python and the Holy Grail</li> </ul> </blockquote>
You’re about to embark on a long adventure toward an enormous mountain in the distance where all of your dreams will be realized! But where to start?
Choose a maximum of three goals to focus on. Think about how busy or chaotic your life is and what other commitments you have. If you’re busy and tired, choose just one. The other goals can wait.
So, choose one, two, or three big goals to focus on. People too often choose more and fail the journey before they even begin. They’re destroyed by monsters along the way or simply abandon everything out of overwhelm.
I know what you’re thinking: only working on one or three goals sounds super lame. And yeah, it sure does sound lame—until you’ve tried it*.* Forget what the number sounds like. Working on four (or more) life goals at the same time is a red-con boss monster, and it will wreck you.
Here’s a handy guide to what awaits you depending on how many goals you choose:
One goal is facing a single enemy. Daunting, but doable. This monster isn’t as smart or strong as you, but it stands a head taller and wields a club the width of your thigh. With focus, you can dodge many of its attacks, land hits on its weak spots, and defeat it without even the use of a single health potion. You won’t be defeated unless you decide to pull a Rumplestiltskin and take a long nap at its feet. Its rewards are meager, but after you pick this monster’s raggedy pockets clean and treat yourself to a refreshing stamina potion, you will feel invigorated and prepared to attack your next goal!
Two goals is an evenly matched fight. It will take some effort to defeat, and you may even be injured. Your success is not ensured. You might need a healing potion. This foe will surely take you longer to defeat than you wanted, and your stamina and morale will suffer a debuff. But when the fight is over and you walk away victorious, you will feel the glory of success and revel in your rewards! Then you’ll probably take a short vacation to the elven lands for a week or two, soaking in their springs and eating their divine foods. After a well-deserved vacation, you will surely be refreshed and ready for your new set of goals!
Three goals is quite a gamble. This enemy is higher level than you, stronger than you, quicker than you, and might even cast a spell or two at you. You will need to put in some real effort—and a few health potions—to beat it. Be prepared for this to take a lot of time and result in injury. But when the fight is over and you limp away victorious, sucking on another health potion and looking for a place to camp to recover your faculties, you will feel the glory of success and revel in your rewards. Whenever you run your finger across the battle scars from this encounter, you will remember the fight with pride. And a little fear. Forget about recuperating in the elven lands for a week. You’re going to need an experienced cleric and a soft bed. Hope you have a lot of gold because none of that is cheap.
Four (or more) goals is death. This enemy might even have one or two crowns above its health bar. It spawns friends and regenerates its health and shields multiple times during the fight. You will need a cleric or necromancer to revive your sad, pathetic corpse once or twice so that you can continue the fight. A bored bard might stand in the background, singing songs of your anti-prowess and taunting you to run away—and you’ll start to think they’re right. If you manage to defeat this enemy, you will drag your bleeding and broken body to a campsite to recharge, all while begging for a local mage to summon your mother. At some point in the future, you will think upon this encounter with a shudder and caution in your heart, and you will probably never do it again.
Now look at your list and choose wisely. No more than three!
PART FOUR: QUESTS! MEASURABLE AND ATTAINABLE</h1>

One does not simply walk into Mordor.

Boromir, The Fellowship of the Ring</li> </ul> </blockquote>
Now that you’ve identified your initial goals, it’s time to plot a course—and craft some quests! Remember, you’re only level 1—before you reach the mountain, you need to level up, gain some skills, get some new gear and weapons, and increase your stats.
Your quests should start small. Get a baseline. Look at the goal(s) you’ve chosen and break them down into small, doable quests. Some of your big goals may result in several little quests. Again, think about your time and energy commitments and select accordingly. Don’t give yourself too much to do.
Equally important is that these quests should be actionable, measurable, and attainable. Each quest should have a progress bar attached to it. Every time you complete a quest—gather a thing, escort an NPC, kill an evil goblin—you will take your pen and make an X in your progress bar, pushing you forward. Quests need to be things you’re capable of doing. If one is too hard, then grab your correction tape and change the requirements so it’s something you can actually do.
Yes, I had to use correction tape with my level 1 quests. I had level-100 aspirations with only level-1 skills.
So, design some quests for yourself based on your chosen goals. For example:

You’re going to walk on the treadmill for 10 minutes, 20 times. </li>

You’re going to say no to dessert and eat a salad instead, 15 times. </li>

You’re going to work on that passion project for 20 minutes, 15 times. </li>

You’re going to make your bed in the morning, 20 times. </li> </ul>
All of these quests should directly support the goals you’ve chosen—and no others. It’s a rookie mistake to make quests that don’t directly point to your goals. If all your goals relate to your physical fitness, but you’ve snuck in some quests that aren’t related, then those quests need to go.
It’s another rookie move to create quests that conflict with your goals. If your goal is to save money, but you’re making quests that require buying lots of frivolous and unnecessary stuff, then you’ve already failed. I know this sounds really stupid, like duh, but you’d be surprised how many people do that.
I’ve done it. A lot.
Make sure your quests are all moving you toward the big dream goal you’ve chosen. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself stuck in place and wondering why you aren’t making progress.
PART FIVE: QUEST REWARDS!</h1>

Look, I ain't in this for your revolution, and I'm not in it for you, Princess. I expect to be well paid. I'm in it for the money.

Han Solo, Star Wars: A New Hope</li> </ul> </blockquote>
With every quest completion, there are always rewards. The rewards can be whatever you want them to be. They can be the proverbial carrot on a stick or just a way to give yourself a present for a job well done. Employ whichever reward method works for you.
But Jen, I hear you saying, I’m an adult, and I can buy myself cool things whenever I want! Not anymore, friendo. Now you’re a noob who uses sweet, sweet quest loot to spur you on to greatness. From now on, if you see something you want, and it’s not required for your life, it goes on a list for quest rewards.
Just in case it needs to be said, do not make your quest rewards the things you need for a healthy day-to-day life, like food and water. If you need gas in your car to get to work, then gas is not a quest reward. These things are necessities. But renewing that My Little Pony subscription? Them’s quest rewards, friend. And I know you want it bad.
Sit down and think about what rewards you really want. Attach a juicy little reward to each quest. Rewards can be big or small. I like to reward myself with takeout dinners or desserts. Or a new pair of yoga pants once I make it through my treadmill goal. A small stationery haul. A vacation day. A new book. A video game day (don’t judge me).
Your rewards can be anything as long as they’re meaningful to you.
PART SIX: MAKE IT REAL. DRAW YOUR LIFE RPG PAGES</h1>

...When people call people nerds, mostly what they’re saying is, ‘you like stuff.’ Which is not a good insult at all, like, ‘you are too enthusiastic about the miracle of human consciousness’.

John Green</li> </ul> </blockquote>
You have all you need to get started. The last step is to draw your pages. Do not skip this step. The quest tracker and progress bars aren’t there just to secure your nerd cred. We use them because they’re visual, and that’s very important.
Many RPGs have an active quest list with some kind of progress bar or progress tracker. When your character progresses on a quest, the progress bar moves forward. We’re motivated to fill that progress bar and get the reward.
Likewise, each of your quests should have a progress bar attached to it. If you’re required to do something ten times, fifteen times, twenty times—whatever the number—there should be a dedicated space to mark each time you perform the task. Every time you work toward a personal quest, you make an X on its progress bar. It’s important to see how far we’ve come, how far there is to go…
…and the sweet, sweet rewards we’ll get in return.
It’s also a way of keeping your big dream goals in sight. Sometimes when you’re in the thick of your quest grind, you can get discouraged. But the visual trackers will remind you of your bigger goals—the dream list, the reason you’re doing this in the first place—and that your goals are not impossible. There’s a reason you’re doing all this, and someday you’re going to reach the mountain of your dreams, slay the dragon, and seize the treasure. And that’s worth the journey.
Let’s level up.
Update: Check out Life RPG part 2: Speedrun your way to level INFINITY with these Life RPG cheats!</a>

Kari Hunter Book 3 and what's next!

Unknown — Wed, 30 Apr 2025 14:08:18 -0700

I can’t believe that Kari Hunter book 3, The Dark Door, has already been out for an entire month! I hope you enjoyed the story. As I’m writing this, the book has 4.8 stars, but only 17 ratings, and only 5 of those are reviews. So, I’m guessing you liked it..? (Shameless plug: If you liked Kari 3, please let me know and give the book a little shout-out. It doesn’t have to be fancy! Click here to hit the Amazon review page</a>.)
Kari 3 took a long time to write, and finishing it was a major accomplishment. The story was ambitious for my (then) skill set. First, it was a longer mystery than I’d ever written before, and that comes with extra challenges. Second, Kari had more emotional arcs going on. Figuring out how to treat those correctly, and in a fun and satisfying way, was another challenge. (For all you writers out there: KM Weiland’s book on themes</a> is fantastic. Highly recommended! She even includes outlines for positive, flat, and negative change arcs.) On top of that, I was contending with Kari’s need to remain a pacifist, and to do it differently than in the first two books, because I ain’t no one-trick pony!
All of this meant that I was often stopping to research how to treat these different issues. Writing The Dark Door felt like an open-world video game where you have to slay the dragon, rescue the princess, and save the world, but you’re only level 1 and you’re armed with a pool noodle. The only way to win is through 200 side quests. So that’s what I did! I hate that it took so long, but it was all worthwhile, because that work will help me write even better stories going forward.
You might look at one of my books and think of the story, but I remember everything I learned along the way. And that’s honestly my favorite thing. I started out at level 1 with a big idea, went on a winding journey with a million side quests, and slayed the dragon in the end. As it turns out, the princess rescued herself and everyone else.
All of that just to say: I’m so happy with how The Dark Door turned out. I hope you are, too.
And HEY! The paperback is available now, too, so if you want to pick up your copy, just click this link: The Dark Door paperback</a>.
I’m sure you’re wondering what books I’m writing next! I’ve started a spinoff trilogy involving a couple of characters from the Kari Hunter series. If you’ve finished The Dark Door, you might be able to guess who they are…
But maybe you still want a hint? How about this:
The story is set in Listowel, where the newest Immortal State tourist trap is open for business. The voodoo-themed town is her first assignment as a conservator trainee. And everything goes sideways less than thirty minutes after she arrives. Luckily, she’s not entirely alone. Someone followed her to Listowel and is determined to help her, whether she likes it or not.
Now can you guess?
I’m really excited about this trilogy, but we’ll talk more about it later, because first we need to attend to some MAGIC ENGINEERING BUSINESS.
That’s right! Buckle up, Interns of Magic Engineering fans: I’ve got an Interns novelette in the editing stage. And this book will be FREE for all my newsletter subscribers. If you aren’t subscribed, sign up now</a> so you can get it when it’s ready.
In this next episode (technically book 3½!), Dr. Docktor divides the interns into two groups and sends them on important tasks. Charlie gets trapped on the building’s top floor. Poison is filling the air, and something’s skulking around in the darkness, trying to take her down in a very unflattering way. Luckily, Charlie’s got one of her intern friends with her, fighting back with the power of teamwork.
HAHAHA, just kidding. She’s trapped with Indigo.
This book wasn’t in the original plan, but I’ve been thinking about a new Interns trilogy for a while. Beyond the overarching story, I wanted to know what other mysteries and heinous deeds were afoot. The simplest and most effective way to find out was to jump into the world—just throw Charlie Temple into another bizarre life-or-death situation—and see what happened.
As it turns out, there’s a LOT to talk about with the Interns. I’m excited for you to read it. Make sure you subscribe to my new-release list</a> to get the freebie when it arrives.
And hey, don’t forget—if you loved Kari 3, The Dark Door, please let me know by giving it a shout-out. Here’s the link again: shout-out for Kari 3</a>!
Until next time,
Jen

Buckle up for Kari Hunter book 3, The Dark Door

Unknown — Sun, 23 Mar 2025 14:26:58 -0700

It’s HERE!
I’m excited to tell you that Kari Hunter book 3, The Dark Door, is FINISHED! The book will be available on Amazon on March 27, 2025. You can preorder your copy today!

Kari Hunter Book 3 Word Game

Unknown — Sun, 06 Oct 2024 06:00:00 -0800

It’s been a while since I’ve posted to the blog, so I wanted to poke my head out and share something fun. For the past few months, I’ve been focused on finishing the draft of Kari Hunter book 3, The Dark Door. So far, this is my most epic story yet, and I’m super proud of it. When we moved into the editing stage a couple of months ago, I wanted to celebrate with my newsletter subscribers, so I created a fun Mad Libs–style word game using the opening to the new book*.*
If you’ve followed my blog or social media for any length of time, you know I’m a fan of the Mad Libs word games. My brother and I used to play them together on camping trips, so that’s probably where the fondness stems from. It’s easy to play—you just come up with a handful of words of specific types. The more creative and random the words, the better. These words will fill in the blanks in a short story—or, in our case, the opening to Kari Hunter book 3. 
The submissions really made my month. They’re so much fun that I wanted to share a few of the results with everyone. Shoutout to Brian, Mindy, Ken, Bin, and Angie for their fun submissions! And, of course, you can find the actual opening to Kari Hunter book 3 at the bottom of the post. Enjoy!
Submission by Brian:

The police stagecoach assigned to the Principal Conservator was a moody relic from the eighties. Before it was delivered, no one had bothered to drive it through a carousel or put gas in the spark plug —they’d just driven it out of the police state park , covered the bullet holes with the purple and gold seal of the Immortal State and called it gruesome . The interior smelled as if someone had tolerated in it. The horn and flashing lights didn’t work, so if the Principal needed to rush to an emergency, he’d have to stick his eardrum out the window and scream “ Fiddlesticks !” into traffic.
I was sitting in the backseat like a security guard , which was fitting, because that’s sort of what I am. 
The car was parked in front of the Immortal State transmission shop of Rochester, at the side of the lot where the lights were burned out. The Principal had dragged himself inside a half hour ago, leaving me to hide in the cold. I was waiting for the signal to hack inside. </blockquote>
Submission by Mindy:

The police velocipede assigned to the Principal Conservator was a warty relic from the eighties. Before it was delivered, no one had bothered to drive it through a crypt or put gas in the axle —they’d just driven it out of the police grotto , covered the bullet holes with the purple and gold seal of the Immortal State and called it crystalline . The interior smelled as if someone had rubbed in it. The horn and flashing lights didn’t work, so if the Principal needed to rush to an emergency, he’d have to stick his pineal gland out the window and scream “ Whoops !” into traffic.
I was sitting in the backseat like a dog catcher , which was fitting, because that’s sort of what I am. 
The car was parked in front of the Immortal State garage of Rochester, at the side of the lot where the lights were burned out. The Principal had trimmed himself inside a half hour ago, leaving me to hide in the cold. I was waiting for the signal to slink inside. </blockquote>
Submission by Bin:

The police Segway assigned to the Principal Conservator was a moist relic from the eighties. Before it was delivered, no one had bothered to drive it through Atlantis or put gas in the wiper fluid —they’d just driven it out of the police house , covered the bullet holes with the purple and gold seal of the Immortal State and called it bulbous . The interior smelled as if someone had balanced in it. The horn and flashing lights didn’t work, so if the Principal needed to rush to an emergency, he’d have to stick his MCL out the window and scream “ Zoinks !” into traffic.
I was sitting in the backseat like a Geek Squad member , which was fitting, because that’s sort of what I am. 
The car was parked in front of the Immortal State Jiffy Lube of Rochester, at the side of the lot where the lights were burned out. The Principal had locked himself inside a half hour ago, leaving me to hide in the cold. I was waiting for the signal to shadow someone inside. </blockquote>
Submission by Angie:

The police horse assigned to the Principal Conservator was a shiny relic from the eighties. Before it was delivered, no one had bothered to drive it through my bedroom or put gas in the windshield wiper —they’d just driven it out of the police Paris , covered the bullet holes with the purple and gold seal of the Immortal State and called it mellifluous . The interior smelled as if someone had wasted in it. The horn and flashing lights didn’t work, so if the Principal needed to rush to an emergency, he’d have to stick his toenail out the window and scream “ Son of a biscuit !” into traffic.
I was sitting in the backseat like a marketing director , which was fitting, because that’s sort of what I am. 
The car was parked in front of the Immortal State gas station of Rochester, at the side of the lot where the lights were burned out. The Principal had missed himself inside a half hour ago, leaving me to hide in the cold. I was waiting for the signal to give a side-eye glance inside. </blockquote>
Submission by Ken:

The police hovercraft assigned to the Principal Conservator was an opulent relic from the eighties. Before it was delivered, no one had bothered to drive it through a library or put gas in the speakers —they’d just driven it out of the police city , covered the bullet holes with the purple and gold seal of the Immortal State and called it obsequious . The interior smelled as if someone had denied it. The horn and flashing lights didn’t work, so if the Principal needed to rush to an emergency, he’d have to stick his elbow out the window and scream “ What the sh*t !” into traffic.
I was sitting in the backseat like a assistant to the regional manager , which was fitting, because that’s sort of what I am. 
The car was parked in front of the Immortal State taco truck of Rochester, at the side of the lot where the lights were burned out. The Principal had skipped himself inside a half hour ago, leaving me to hide in the cold. I was waiting for the signal to hand gesture inside. </blockquote>
And now, the original, actual opening of Kari Hunter book 3, The Dark Door. Release date TBD:

The police cruiser assigned to the Principal Conservator was an American-made relic from the eighties. Before it was delivered, no one had bothered to drive it through a car wash or put gas in the tank—they’d just driven it out of the police auction lot, covered the bullet holes with the purple and gold seal of the Immortal State, and called it good. The interior smelled as if someone had died in it. The horn and flashing lights didn’t work, so if the Principal needed to rush to an emergency, he’d have to stick his head out the window and scream “AWOOGA! AWOOGA!” into traffic.
I was sitting in the backseat like a criminal, which was fitting, because that’s sort of what I am. 
The car was parked in front of the Immortal State Museum of Rochester, at the side of the lot, where the lights were burned out. The Principal had disappeared inside a half hour ago, leaving me to hide in the cold. I was waiting for the signal to sneak inside. </blockquote>
I hope you enjoyed our word game—and the opening to the next Kari Hunter book. To receive email alerts about new books, you can subscribe to my newsletter here: Jen’s new release alerts and free stuff!</a>

Stubby's 2024 Horoscopes

Unknown — Sun, 04 Feb 2024 14:02:00 +0000

Surprise, Kari Hunter fans: I have some bonus content to share! Over the past year, I’ve been writing fun pieces for my newsletter subscribers and I’m excited to share one with you. If you’ve been looking forward to the next Kari Hunter book (it’s coming, I swear!) and have been feeling a serious lack of talking sacrificial knives in your life, then it’s your lucky day. Kari’s third knife, Stubby, is here with its 2024 horoscope predictions. 
Enjoy!
</div>
Disclaimer: Stubby is a necromancer’s sacrificial knife who lives in a cutlery box in a basement. Stubby has no life experience, no credentials, and no endorsements whatsoever. Stubby’s only been outdoors to see the stars three times in its entire life and has no connection to Seer magic. Ten out of ten Seers do not recommend Stubby for predictions of any kind. </div> </div> Aquarius (January 21–February 19): You’ve grown a lot and learned much, but you don’t have it all figured out yet. It’s time for you to go back to basics and get your life organized. You can best spend 2024 figuring out how to strike a balance. I know how that sounds, like one of those new-fangled mantras that your job’s been throwing around, pushing all of the employees to have “work-life balance,” but what they really mean is, “do all of the tasks you’re doing now, but also figure out how to have a home life on top of it, you miserable pleb.” That’s what 2024 is going to feel like for you: you’ll continue trying to prioritize your well-being, but the rest of your life doesn’t really care about your stupid feelings. Your feng shui plant in 2024 is the rafflesia arnoldii</a>, which is the largest flower in the world, growing up to a width of three feet. It’s also a parasitic plant that feeds off of other plants, and it smells like rotting meat. Ooooh yeaaaaaah. Feel those positive energy vibes going right up your nose holes.
Pisces (February 20–March 20): This year, you’ll find some confidence. Finally, your mom can stop nagging you about that, and stand up straight, and stop mumbling!, at least for the next 12 months. Lean on your intuition—it’ll give you an advantage this year. Of course, it’ll also open you up to some harsh realities and unpleasant situations or relationships that you thought you’d gotten rid of. When that happens, just remember, I’m always available and my rates are cheap. I also do birthdays and quinceañeras! Your lucky number this year is a non-computable number. Not even a computer can define them, and hardly anyone understands them.
Aries (March 21–April 19): My favorite thing about Aries is that you all think you can headbutt your way through anything. It’s amazing you haven’t given yourself permanent damage at this point. I can totally relate! Next year, you’ll boldly forge ahead on your plans, like an explorer on a trail—I bet you feel so superior, having legs and general mobility! But beware, you’ll reach the end of your plans and then have to figure out what to do next. And who will be laughing then? Will it be you, with your ability to make plans and not be confined to a cutlery box? Or me with, um, what I’ve got? Never mind. Don’t answer that. 
Taurus (April 20–May 20): We all know that your comfort zone is your favorite place to be, Taurus. Unfortunately, I have bad news. Next year can be summed up by your least favorite word: ADVENTURE. I’d congratulate you, except you are not Lara Croft. You will make three big decisions next year, and you will detest every second of it. Haha, that’s hilarious! Your lucky color for next year is Harlequin. It’s in the same family as neon green, and twice as aggravating. You poor bastard.
Gemini (May 21–June 20): You’re often described as fickle and flighty, and you get bored easily. Like Longy in the middle of a Law and Order marathon. Next year, you’ll bounce between the extremes, but on hard mode. Your favorite thing! You’ll struggle to focus on alone time where you can be quiet and introspective, all while trying to further some of your most ambitious plans. You’ll probably annoy the crap out of everyone around you. Next year, your lucky number is the solution to Hilbert’s Sixteenth Problem</a>, which has never been solved.
Cancer (June 21–July 22): Everyone says you’re an introvert, and the most understanding, generous, and emotional of us all. Gross. You’d probably make great pen pals with Rambo. Next year, you’ll listen to the voices in your head and get out of your comfort zone. 2024 will be a great time for you to take risks with relationships, investments, and your career. You want to be introspective about every decision, but there will be no time for it. That probably stresses you out already. Your spiritual animal for next year is the red-lipped batfish</a>. It’s a terrible swimmer and walks along the sea floor on its fins. Good luck with that. 
Leo (July 23–August 22): Are you interested in leadership at all, Leos? No? Well, too bad, because you’ll find yourself in the spotlight, surrounded by supporters. You’ll also grow your social circles and find new and interesting awakenings in your love life. Ugh, your life sounds like those Bollywood movies Rambo loves to watch: horrifying, especially when Rambo sings along in monotone. You’re going to share your message with the world and be surprised to find it resonating and attracting people to you. I don’t know what to tell you, Leos. You’re going to have an awesome year filled with success, happiness, and friends. Quite frankly, I find you disturbing.
Virgo (August 23–September 22): Well, here you are, Virgos. It seems the universe delved out all of the interesting bits to everyone else, and you’re just getting a normal year. You’ll have ups and downs. Good things and bad. Highs and lows. You’re gonna go places this year. Well, you’re gonna go to a place. Average year, remember? But I do have some good news: some rabble rousers will show themselves and attempt to thwart your good efforts. I call it “good news” because you’ll know who to stab—UH, I MEAN, REPORT TO HUMAN RESOURCES! Anyway, colleagues and confidants will rally and help you overcome these jerkfaces. Start hoarding lucky objects like rabbit’s feet and socks. Rub Buddha’s belly at every opportunity. Eat grapes while wearing red underwear. (Uh, Spain, are you okay?) If you see birds overhead, run beneath them in the hopes that they will poop on you. (Russia, no one understands you, and at this point, we don’t want to.) Also, collect eight of everything. And say the word “rabbit” when you get up every morning. None of this will help, but it might distract you from the averagely boring year the universe is about to slap you with.
Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22): Your niceness is everything I hate about the world. Oh, whoops! I thought I was writing a different column; you want a horoscope. Okay, here we go: This year you’re going to feel the full spectrum of emotions—even the bad ones! Prepare to dredge your own personal depths and experience all the negative emotions you typically suppress, like anger, rage, and heartburn. Maybe some itchiness. Possibly sleepiness. Out of this deep soul searching, you’ll find buried treasure within you. Hopefully that means you’re gonna turn into a Sith Lord, because Sith Lords are cool and shoot lightning bolts from their fingers. That’s really the only thing that would make your stupid loving, emotionally balanced nature even mildly tolerable. Weirdos.
Scorpio (October 24–November 22): Listen up, you bossy, headstrong group! So, you aren’t great at team sports and tend to do better solo. This year, you’ll do better to nurture relationships with people who encourage you and your talents. Yeah, I know, it’s hard to hear everyone else over the sound of your own awesomeness. Somehow, you’ll just have to manage. Oh, wait a minute—you sound just like me! I take it all back, Scorpios. You’re incredible! Your spirit animal this year is the sarcastic fringehead</a>, a fish with a terrible temper that fights its enemies by kissing them aggressively with its enormous mouth. 
Sagittarius (November 23–December 21): Welcome to your personal hell, Sagittarius. Your free-spirited, winging-it ways are over, at least in 2024. This year, it’s time to get disciplined, make concrete plans, and start building something. But that’s not all. The pressure is double for you this year, as your family and friends will be directly affected by whatever you embark on. Knowing your history with planning and execution, you’ll probably end up with the equivalent to a giant plastic corkscrew slide with a ball pit in your backyard. Um, can I hang out at your house? Anyway, your lucky color this year is phlox. It’s a nearly neon version of purple which is known to cause anxiety and nightmares. 
Capricorn (December 22–January 20): You’re embarking on a year of harmony and personal stability, and you’ll find your attitudes maturing because you’re gonna think really deep thoughts. Ugh, you sound like a poster child for one of those weirdo wellness gurus who lives in the forest, eats tree bark, and meditates all day long. This year, get out of your comfort zone and into the dating pool. Will you be successful in love this year, Capricorns? Probably not, but you’ll at least have deep and meaningful revelations about relationships. Also, your dating escapades will be hilarious for the rest of us to watch.
I hope you enjoyed Stubby’s predictions and feel fully prepared to face 2024!
And now for my shameless plug: If you’re interested in receiving more awesome bonus content from me, then sign up for my newsletter. Usually, you can expect an email from me every other month(ish), roughly 6 to 8 per year, barring any new releases. You can sign up for that awesomeness at this link right here: Jen’s newsletter</a>
Until next time,
Jen

Jen Kirchner

An Update on my Next Series

Stubby’s 2026 Horoscopes and Predictions

New release… and the story of my first audiobook!

Speedrun your way to level INFINITY with these Life RPG cheats!

New Release: A Menace of Magical Machinations

Get in, losers, we’re going to Mordor! (AKA: The Life RPG)

PART ONE: QUICK START</h1>

PART TWO: DEFINE YOUR MOUNTAIN</h1> So tell me what you want, what you really really want…</p>

Kari Hunter Book 3 and what's next!

Buckle up for Kari Hunter book 3, The Dark Door

Kari Hunter Book 3 Word Game

Stubby's 2024 Horoscopes