Jen Smith

Why it Pays to Focus on What You Do Want

2013-05-16T13:25:00.001+01:00

Kent Coast, UK

Today's post is by my husband, Adrian Smith.

Most people make decisions in their lives in one of two ways.

Some will focus on what they want in life, others concentrate more on what it is they don't want.

Sounds like two sides of the same coin, right?

Both ways will achieve an outcome, but, even though the achievements may happen, the effect on them emotionally and the effect in their outlook in life can be very different.

Focusing on what you don't want

Focusing on what you don't want is an effective way to avoid negative, unpleasant, or dangerous outcomes in your life.

For example, if you're somewhere where there's likely to be an accident occurring, the thought of 'I don't want to get hurt' will initiate you getting yourself out of harms way. At times like these, decisions like this evoke the flight or fight response in you, which, as nature intended, puts your body in a state best able to deal with the danger. Adrenaline and cortisol are released, your heart rate increases, and certain functions of your body are closed down as blood is pumped to your muscles ready to take on, or run away from the danger. The problem is this behaviourial response can become the default way of making decisions to non dangerous circumstances, or feared outcomes that negative thoughts have created but are not real. This can manifest into worrying about problems that aren't there apart from in the mind, and for the fight or flight response to kick in inappropriately, leading to suffering from anxiety and panic.

Focusing on what you do want

Looking at what you do want rather than what you don't, focuses on positive outcomes, making for positive thoughts. This results in feeling more relaxed and optimistic about what's ahead, and instead of fearing the outcomes of what you don't want to happen, you look forward to the things you want.

For example, not wanting to go to a party because of a fear that you will not know many people and will suffer the awkwardness and embarrassment of standing on your own can cause you to feel worried and anxious, and maybe stop you from going. But, if you focus on what you do want- an opportunity to meet new people, and have a few drinks and a dance you will focus on the positive and feel excited about going and having a fun time.

Practice focusing on what you do want

Catch yourself when you focus on what you don't want, and turn into a positive choice of what you would like to happen. Find how it can make you feel calmer, more relaxed, easier to cope with the uncertainties of everyday life, and looking to the un-rolling of your life in a positive way.

Your thoughts?

Are you feeling stuck in your life or your business?

If you enjoyed this and are also interested in learning how to focus on what you do want in your own life and /or business, then book your free consultation with me here at my coaching page.

Wild Geese

2013-04-04T12:05:00.000+01:00

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting-
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Mary Oliver

Photo with thanks, by Fool-On-The-Hill via Flickr

You Are Enough

2013-03-25T09:00:00.000Z

Worthiness, in very simple terms, means I have found a way to let the Energy reach me, the Energy that is natural, reach me. Worthiness, or unworthiness, is something that is pronounced upon you by you. You are the only one that can deem yourself worthy or unworthy. You are the only one who can love yourself into a state of allowing, or hate yourself in a state of disallowing. There is not something wrong with you, nor is there something wrong with one who is not loving you. You are all just, in the moment, practicing the art of not allowing, or the art of resisting. - Abraham

You are enough.

You don’t need to do, have or be anything to be enough, you are enough… right now.

The issue for many of us is that it really doesn’t feel that way. We say or think that we’ll be enough when we...

Meet the man / woman of our dreams
Get sober
Get a “better” job or get a job
Get a flat or house or a better flat or house
Get the grades we want
Lose weight
Put on weight
Move out of our parents’ home
Stop procrastinating
Sort out our “issues”
Get our “head out of the clouds into the real world”
Get our shit together

But, the thing is, we’ll never have it all together and that really is ok.

Life is a process and it will never be complete.

Who we are isn’t contingent upon getting anywhere. But we forget that. We think we have to do more (oh, yes that’s a big one for so many of us, isn’t it?), we have to be better or different to what we are now.

So, we get stuck in the puzzle that we can never solve, but we keep trying to solve it in the same ways. Even if we manage to lose the weight or get the job, (or whatever), we notice we’re still not happy.

We can still do things, want things, take actions and follow our dreams. Being enough doesn't mean we don’t want anything, but it is a completely different context to live from.

Realising you are enough and being compassionate and loving to yourself, right where you are makes the world of difference.

Note: Using the affirmation "I approve of myself" as you go about your day is a great way to remind yourself that you are enough, whatever is happening.

Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Derek Walcott

Recommended

This interview with Serena Dyer (on growing up with Wayne Dyer as her Dad).

Photo by SweetOnVeg via Flickr, with thanks

20 Inspirational Quotes about Life

2013-03-18T09:00:00.000Z

“Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don't have to like it... it's just easier if you do.” ― Byron Katie

"Your life is supposed to feel good to you." ― Abraham Hicks

"What you think of yourself is much more important than what others think of you." ― Seneca

“Ride the horse in the direction that it's going”. ― Werner Erhard

"The truth is you don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. Life is a crazy ride, and nothing is guaranteed." ― Eminem

“All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” ― Buddha

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” ― Albert Einstein

“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.” ― Dr. Seuss

“You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching, Love like you'll never be hurt, Sing like there's nobody listening, And live like it's heaven on earth.” ― William W. Purkey

"Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans." ― John Lennon

“Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.” ― Narcotics Anonymous

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” ― Oscar Wilde

“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.” ― J.K. Rowling

“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.” ― Dr. Seuss

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” ― Dr. Seuss

“Everything you can imagine is real.” ― Pablo Picasso

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.” - Henry David Thoreau

“Listen to your being. It is continuously giving you hints; it is a still, small voice. It does not shout at you, that is true. And if you are a little silent you will start feeling your way. Be the person you are. Never try to be another, and you will become mature. Maturity is accepting the responsibility of being oneself, whatsoever the cost. Risking all to be oneself, that's what maturity is all about.” ― Osho

Photo by Doug8888, via Flickr ~ with thanks

25 Self-Love Quotes (to Help You Be Your Own Best Friend)

2013-03-11T09:00:00.000Z

“You, yourself, as much as anybody else in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha
“In your own life it's important to know how spectacular you are.” ― Steve Maraboli
“Once you start recognizing the truth of your story, finish the story. It happened but you're still here, you're still capable, powerful, you're not your circumstance. It happened and you made it through. You're still fully equipped with every single tool you need to fulfill your purpose.” ― Steve Maraboli
“The most adventurous journey to embark on; is the journey to yourself, the most exciting thing to discover; is who you really are, the most treasured pieces that you can find; are all the pieces of you, the most special portrait you can recognize; is the portrait of your soul.” ― C. JoyBell C
“Did your mom ever tell you, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything’? She was right–and talking nicely also applies when you’re talking to yourself, even inside your head.” ― Victoria Moran
“You are beautiful. Know this. Anyone who tells you otherwise is simply lying. You are beautiful.” ~ Steve Maraboli
“There is a magnificent, beautiful, wonderful painting in front of you! It is intricate, detailed, a painstaking labor of devotion and love! The colors are like no other, they swim and leap, they trickle and embellish! And yet you choose to fixate your eyes on the small fly which has landed on it! Why do you do such a thing?” ― C. JoyBell C
“Letting ourselves be forgiven is one of the most difficult healings we will undertake. And one of the most fruitful. ” ― Stephen Levine
“Allow yourself to enjoy each happy moment in your life.” ― Steve Maraboli
“People who love themselves come across as very loving, generous and kind; they express their self-confidence through humility, forgiveness and inclusiveness.” ― Sanaya Roman
“So then, the relationship of self to other is the complete realization that loving yourself is impossible without loving everything defined as other than yourself.” ― Alan Wilson Watts
“You are not broken. You are not a problem to be solved. Solving your “problem”, whatever you perceive your problem or problems to be, is not the key to happiness.” ― Golda Poretsky
“You were not meant for a mundane or mediocre life!” ― Steve Maraboli
“When I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn't healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits - anything that kept me small. My judgement called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving.” ― Kim McMillen
“Maybe she had it wrong all this time and her empty heart could never be filled by his ingenious broken spirit. Maybe this yearning had nothing to do with him, and everything to do with her.” ― Coco J. Ginger
“Do you love yourself enough to be what you love yourself enough to want?” ― Steve Maraboli
“I come across too much material on "how to make a man want you", "how to make a man commit", "how to make a man finally pop the question", "how to make a man take you seriously", "how to get into a man's emotions." And I laugh. My dear fellow women, enough! Do not busy yourselves with such things! Instead, fall in love with yourself!” ― C. JoyBell C
“So what", she thought.....body half thrown over the glass edge of her sun and glory filled balcony. "So what", a phrase she had habited to repeat steadily after every self-collapsing thought, concerning other humans and their egotistical opinions.” ― Coco J. Ginger
“Looking back you realize that a very special person passed briefly through your life and that person was you. It is not too late to become that person again.” ― Robert Brault
“Lighten up on yourself. No one is perfect. Gently accept your humanness.” ― Deborah Day
“Do something every day that is loving toward your body and gives you the opportunity to enjoy the sensations of your body.” ― Golda Poretsky
“Nourishing yourself in a way that helps you blossom in the direction you want to go is attainable, and you are worth the effort.” ― Deborah Day
“A deep love resides inside each of us. This love is independent of the desires, thoughts, and opinions, good or bad, which are readily offered to us. It is a love that is gentle and kind, accepting and nonjudgmental, playful and spontaneous, courageous and curious. It is always encouraging and always evolving. This love can be discovered only through turning off the noise around us, coming to ourselves in silence, meditation, and prayer. If we listen carefully we will hear the murmurs of our inner voice tell yearnings of our truest selves. What is available to us is a profound understanding, appreciation, and full acceptance of self, all of the good and all of the bad. Only when we truly know that we are able to tap into this part of ourselves can we begin to love others fully. Love for others is the manifestation of love for self. We cannot love another more than we love ourselves. Life is a mirror. If you want to know what love for yourself looks like, look at your love for others. If you want to know what your love for others look like, look at your love for self. When you love yourself this way, you love God this way. This relationship is the divine love triangle; self, God, and others in any order.” ― Marlon Hartley Lindsay
“The goal is to learn to be nurturing with yourself so you can feel free.” ― Deborah Day
“Don't try to win over the haters; you are not a jackass whisperer.” ― Brené Brown

Photo by SeeMidTN.com (aka Brent), via Flickr with thanks

Do You Over-Give? How To Regain Your Balance if You Give Too Much

2013-03-04T09:00:00.000Z

What does it mean to be an over-giver? Over-giving is about when you consistently give more than you receive, causing an imbalance in your relationships with others and to yourself.

You might realise you are an over-giver, if:

You find yourself always being the one helping others but never being helped when you need it
You find yourself regularly over-apologising even when you know you’re not in the wrong
You always making things better with people even when it's their place to do so
You give others your time, money etc. but notice that it is never reciprocated
You feel resentful and angry a lot of the time but can’t understand why
You feel that you are a good person but don’t know why you never get what you want
You don’t say anything when someone steps over your boundaries
You make excuses for people and always put yourself in their shoes and never your own
People behave badly towards you but you give even more to try and make it better

Giving & receiving can be beautiful acts, but when we find ourselves continually over-giving, we create an imbalance.

So, what is Over-Giving Hiding?

Over-giving is usually a sign of low self-esteem. On some level we are coming from a place of “if I keep giving to people, they will like me, approve of me, think I’m a good person etc.” We may think that we are only worth something when we are giving something to others, hence the nagging need to over-give. We get a false sense of self-esteem from the giving, though on some level we know it’s based on shaky ground. This is tied up with people-pleasing.

The problem with over-giving is that we are giving with an agenda; from a place of wanting something from the other person. We are putting our happiness and our self-esteem into someone else’s hands, and they usually know it (or grow to know it, in time) which causes further problems. We are not coming from a strong sense of self and are sense of self worth is directly linked to what other people think of us.

Over-givers might complain that they are under appreciated or that people don’t ever do things for them, but it is important to look at our part in the dynamic and how we could be contributing to it, albeit unconsciously with our behaviour. This is empowering because as we know, we cant change other people. We can only change ourselves.

The Problems with Over-Giving:

When we over-give to boost our sense of self, we are on shaky ground; like a tree with no roots, at the mercy of others. [tweet this]..

Our Self Worth is based on What Others Think

Basing your worth and how you see yourself in the hands of others, is a recipe for disaster. Just think about your own mind and opinions of others and how much they change. Basing your self-worth in other people's hands is masochism and will never enable you to have peace of mind. You will always be trying to do more, please more etc etc, to maintain your sense of self. You are worth more than that.

Other People Don’t get a Chance to Give To Us

When we are always over-giving we don’t give the people in our life the chance to give to us. When you always jump to give, you don’t let things unfold naturally and you take away other people's chance to be the giver. It can be frustrating for others and thwart their intentions and ability to have an authentic relationship with you too.

We Attract People Who Don’t Have Your Best Interests at Heart

When we are over-givers, people can more easily take advantage and we are more likely to attract people who don't have our best interests at heart. The truth is, we make it easy for them too! We have an invisible sign saying "I am desperate to be liked and will go out of my to achieve that".

We Train Other People to Expect Us To Always Give

When we are always over-giving, we train other people to think of us that way and to expect that of us. Then, when you need time for yourself or to ask for help or just are not in a position to give, it can be hard for others to understand. We need to train people to treat us the way we want to be treated (that means getting clear about boundaries and knowing when to say no).

You Know Your Not as “Nice” as You are Trying to Appear

Like people-pleasing, over-giving isn't authentic. When we over-give to control or to get something in return, on some level we know what we're doing and the other person knows what we are doing and we don't feel good about it. Our self respect goes out the window.

Over-giving is a reflex

Usually we don't consciously set out to over-give. The imbalance gets created from a variety of sources. We might have found as a child that the way to get approval was to be the giver & the fixer. Many of us and especially women are taught that being the giver in relationships is the way to be in life. It becomes an automatic (rather than consciously chosen) response.

How To Regain Our Balance between Giving & Receiving

So, how do we get our balance if we are over-giving?

Being aware of this tendency in yourself is the first and most vital step.

When I notice myself going into over-giving mode, I gently bring myself back and reign myself in. This of course doesn't mean to stop being helpful or giving, but just to notice when you are going beyond and why you are doing so. Notice your motivation and see when you are acting out of old patterns and tendencies. This will give you the power to make new choices.

Re-training others about what to expect from us is also important. When people are used to us over-giving, that is the dynamic that has been set up in the relationship. Assert your boundaries, learn to say no and gently re-balance the relationship.

Give to yourself. You are as deserving as anyone. Show yourself love and respect and listen to what you need. Notice when you don't feel good about giving and see what is really going on in the situation. Notice when your reserves are dry and when you need to step back and take care of yourself.

There is no easy solution but as I said above, just starting by being aware that you are over-giving is a powerful first step. We can't change anything without awareness.

What do you think?

Are you feeling stuck in your life or your business?

If you enjoyed this and are also interested in learning how to stop over-giving in your own life and /or business, then book your free consultation with me here at my coaching page.

Photo by CarbonNYC via Flickr, with thanks

The Importance Of Setting Healthy Boundaries

2013-02-25T09:00:00.000Z

Healthy boundaries are vital for good mental and physical wellbeing.

When we are not clear with people in our lives about what works and doesn’t work for us, we will eventually end up feeling drained and resentful. I used to find setting boundaries very difficult. I wanted to be seen as a flexible, easy going person and I dreaded the idea of confrontation. I didn’t realise then that setting boundaries doesn’t have to mean confrontation. When you are clear with others about what works and doesn’t work for you, life works and other people know where they stand. These days I am much clearer about my boundaries and life is much better for it.

Some questions to think about:

• Do people in your life offer unsolicited advice about your life and how you should be living it?

• Do others volunteer your services or time, or presume you will do things without asking?

• Do others presume you will do what they want to do and try to make you feel guilty when you object?

• Do others take you for granted or put you down?

Stop People-Pleasing

Stop putting other people first all the time and start thinking about what you want. When you stop people pleasing and set boundaries, you will have more time and energy for yourself and in turn be in a position to be able to genuinely be there for others when you want to.

Note: You can also sign up for free updates and receive my free eBook "Beyond People-Pleasing).

Learning To Say No

Learning to say no is one of the most vital tools in learning to set boundaries. Saying no often brings up issues from the past for us. For example, “Will people still like me if I say no?”; “Does it mean I am being selfish if I say no?”. However, being able to say no when you need to is vital for your mental (and physical) wellbeing. Notice your own reactions to saying no and what it brings up in you. If saying no is new to you, start small and work your way up to bigger issues. It does get easier with practice.

What Do You Want?

To take care of yourself you need to care less about what other people think of you and care more about what you think and want. Start tuning into what you think and want. Listen to your feelings. If your interactions with someone continually leaving you feeling drained or taken advantage of, it is time to make a change. Take your feelings and wants seriously.

Be Clear

Being clear with yourself and others is vital in setting healthy boundaries. Work out what works and doesn't work for you (this may change over time) and start letting others know. This can be hard to begin with if you are not used to doing it, but it does get easier especially when others start to relate to you differently, on your terms. Everyone has different wants and needs so don’t except others to be mind readers. Take responsibility for communicating your needs.

Drop The Guilt

You don’t need to feel guilty for taking care of yourself. No-one can be everything for everyone. Remind yourself that you want to be authentic and live in a way that works for you. Don't apologize (or over-apologize) for doing what is right for you.

Beware of Repeat Offenders

There are some people who will keep trying to push your boundaries despite you being clear with them. You will need to reinforce your message. If you are continue to be clear with them and they continue pushing your boundaries, it may be time to let the relationship go.

Setting boundaries encourages self-respect and healthy relationships with others. Letting the people in your life take you for granted or continue with behaviours that you don’t want, does no-one any favours. Start getting clear with yourself and others and be the person that you know you can be. It's worth it, I promise! Your relationship with yourself and others, will end up better for it.

Fovea Centralis via Flickr with thanks

Are you feeling stuck in your life or your business?

If you enjoyed this and are also interested in setting boundaries in your own life or working on another area of your life or business, then book your free consultation with me here at my coaching page.

50 Quotes to Inspire You!

2013-02-18T09:00:00.000Z

I love reading inspirational quotes; they can be a great help in making a better start to the day or useful for a boost of inspiration when needed. Here are 50 quotes that I have chosen for you for all areas of life:

On Life

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. Helen Keller
All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on. Henry Ellis
The grass is greener where you water it. Danielle Luedtke
Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. Buddha
Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact. William James
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined. Henry David Thoreau
Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated. Confucius
Every man dies. Not every man really lives. William Wallace
My life is my message. Mahatma Gandhi
We can't plan life. All we can do is be available for it. Lauryn Hill

On Happiness

People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be. Abraham Lincoln
You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness. Jonathan Safran Foer
I'd far rather be happy than right any day. Douglas Adams
I think and think and think, I‘ve thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it. Jonathan Safran Foer
Learn to value yourself, which means: fight for your happiness. Ayn Rand
The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts. Marcus Aurelius
The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate. Oprah Winfrey
Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. Groucho Marx
Happiness depends upon ourselves. Aristotle
Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. Mahatma Gandhi

On Work

I know you've heard it a thousand times before. But it's true - hard work pays off. If you want to be good, you have to practice, practice, practice. If you don't love something, then don't do it. Ray Bradbury
It seems the harder I work, the more luck I have. Thomas Jefferson
Don’t wish it were easier. Wish you were better. Jim Rohn
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like Thomas Edison
Work is love made visible. Kahlil Gibran
Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else. James M Barrie
Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. Accordingly a genius is often merely a talented person who has done all of his or her homework. Thomas Edison
The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary. Vincent Lombardi
Striving for success without hard work is like trying to harvest where you haven’t planted. David Bly
My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition. Indira Gandhi

On Dreams

All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them. Walt Disney
Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world. Harriet Tubman
If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in common hours.Henry David Thoreau
A dream doesn't become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination and hard work. Colin Powell
A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams. John Barrymore
Dreams are necessary to life. Anais Nin
The world needs dreamers and the world needs doers. But above all, the world needs dreamers who do. Sarah Ban Breathnach
When you cease to dream you cease to live. Malcolm Forbes
If you don’t know what your passion is, realize that one reason for your existenance on earth is to find it. Oprah Winfrey
If you want to be comfortable, don’t try to live your dreams. Emily Trinkaus

On Abundance

Abundance is not something we acquire. It is something we tune into. Wayne Dyer
There are two ways to get enough. One is to continue to accumulate more and more. The other is to desire less. G.K. Chesterton
Doing what you love is the cornerstone of having abundance in your life. Wayne Dyer
Whatever we are waiting for – peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance – it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart. Sarah Ban Breathnach
Expect your every need to be met. Expect the answer to every problem, expect abundance on every level. Eileen Caddy
Abundance is about being rich, with or without money. Suze Orman
Instead, I have an abundance mentality: When people are genuinely happy at the successes of others, the pie gets larger. Stephen Covey
Gratitude is the open door to abundance. Unknown
When you are grateful, fear disappears and abundance appears. Anthony Robbins
Not what we have but what we enjoy, constitutes our abundance. Epicurus

Photo by La Melodie via Flickr, with thanks

What's your favourite quote?

Are you feeling stuck in your life or your business?

If you enjoyed this and are also interested in breathing inspiration into an area of your life or business, then book your free consultation with me here at my coaching page.

The Journey

2013-02-13T15:43:00.000Z

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice-
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations, though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen branches and stones.
but little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do-
determined to save
the only life you could save.

Mary Oliver, Dream Work, Grove Atlantic Inc., 1986 & New and Selected Poems, Beacon Press, 1992.

Today, the day before Valentine's day is "Self-Love Day" so I thought I would share this poem with you as inspiration. Enjoy!

Photo by Indy Kethdy, via Flickr with thanks

How Can You Make the Right Decision(s)?

2013-02-11T09:00:00.000Z

“If you obsess over whether you are making the right decision, you are basically assuming that the universe will reward you for one thing and punish you for another. The universe has no fixed agenda. Once you make any decision, it works around that decision. There is no right or wrong, only a series of possibilities that shift with each thought, feeling, and action that you experience.”

― Deepak Chopra, The Book of Secrets: Unlocking the Hidden Dimensions of Your Life

I used to be very indecisive and one of the things I have learnt is “there are no right decisions”. As Deepak Chopra says above, we are not rewarded for one path and punished for another and there are infinite numbers of possibilities with any choice we make.

When we see there are no right or wrong decisions, we are freed up to choose whatever feels best for us right now. If you feel unsure or always doubt yourself and your decisions, here are some things that have helped me:

1. Affirm: “I always make the right decisions for me.”

There is no right or wrong, but when we consistently doubt ourselves, we disempower ourselves. Practice being confident in your abilities and backing yourself up. Use affirmations to do this.

2. Just Do It!

We can obsess about the rights and wrongs of a decision and can just make ourselves feel more stuck. If being decisive is an issue for you, practice just picking something! You will build up your muscle in this area of life and start to know yourself as someone that is decisive. If there is something you have been procrastinating about, commit to making that choice! More often than not, we know what we want to choose.

3. Allow Yourself Mistakes

Many of us expect ourselves to be perfect and inhibit ourselves from taking action to avoid “messing up”. Allow yourself some mistakes; none of us are perfect but we can grow and learn through taking action. If you have stopped making decisions because of past “mistakes”; forgive yourself and help yourself to move on. As Maya Angelou said:

"When you know better you do better."

4. Acknowledge Your Progress

Even if a decision doesn't work out the way you think it will, acknowledge yourself for your progress and being “in the game” and making decisions.

5. Take Responsibility

Avoiding making decisions or leaving decisions to others is about abdicating responsibility. If you are in the habit of letting others decide for you, ultimately you are not running your own life and this doesn't usually end up working out well for anyone involved. Responsibility doesn't have to be scary; it means that you’re in charge!

Are you feeling stuck in your life or your business?

If you enjoyed this and are also interested in learning how make the right decisions for you or in working on another area of your life or business, then book your free consultation with me here at my coaching page.

Photo by infomatique via Flickr, with thanks

10 Ways To Be Kinder To Yourself

2013-02-04T09:00:00.000Z

Are you kind to yourself? If not, why not? You are the person you will spend the most time with on this planet, so making your relationship with yourself the best one you can is important. Whatever is going on in your life, you can always extend yourself compassion. Here are some suggestions for being kind (or kinder) to yourself:

1. Practice Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT and also called "tapping") to dissolve emotional blocks deal with uncomfortable feelings and situations.

2. Learn to say no (or to say no more often) and honour your own needs.

3. Love yourself regardless of what is going on in your life; wherever you are right now. Remind yourself you are doing the best you can.

4. Encourage and support yourself (to start a business, ask the girl or guy out, to start exercising) and be your own best friend, whatever happens.

5. Stop beating yourself up and speak to yourself kindly, like you would a good friend.

6. Create a life you don't need to escape from.

7. Exercise and take care of your body.

8. Drink more water.

9. Listen to your inner thoughts and feelings and act upon them.

10. Practice positive self talk and look in the mirror each day and tell yourself that you love you.

Remember: You deserve it!

Are you feeling stuck in your life or your business?

If you enjoyed this article and are interested in being kinder to yourself or working on another area of your life or business, then book your free consultation with me here at my coaching page.

Photo by ryanxchow via Flickr, with thanks

The Art of Saying No

2013-01-28T09:00:00.000Z

People think focus means saying yes to the thing you've got to focus on. But that's not what it means at all. It means saying no to the hundred other good ideas that there are. You have to pick carefully. I'm actually as proud of the things we haven't done as the things I have done. Innovation is saying "no" to 1,000 things. Steve Jobs

Saying no often gets a bad rap. Many people associate it with being rude or inflexible, however it doesn't have to be done in that way and can mean both doing what is right for you and other people. Anyone who has harnessed the art of saying no, knows it is actually a powerful tool that allows us to focus on more of what we do want in our lives which in the long run is better for everyone.

Most people have a lot of information and requests in one form or another, given to them every day. If we say yes to everything, we will end up getting pulled in every direction and usually will become burnt out. This is the worst case scenario. On the other hand, if we say no to everything we miss out on opportunities and situations that we could benefit from. However most of us live somewhere in between. We don’t always know how to say no without offending others, we want to be liked and when it boils down to it, sometimes we don’t know what we want anyway, so are easily swayed by others.

Saying No

As Steve Job’s points out, saying no doesn't have to be negative. Saying no to something doesn’t make it bad or wrong; it could be good, it’s just not for you.

When a request comes our way, most of us have a good hit of intuition fairly quickly, most of time about whether we want to do it or not. We may not say so; we may say “I have to do x, y, z” or “I don’t really want to but…” instead. However that doesn't take away from the feeling in our gut. If you find yourself in this situation a lot, take a step back and ask yourself “do I really need to ….?” A lot of the time, we think we don’t know what to do or what we want, when in fact we do, but just find it hard to say it to yourself and others. Often, we think there is a lot more we “should” be doing than there really is. When we start noticing what is empowering us and what is dis-empowering us, we are better placed to see why we do certain things and bring some balance and harmony back to ourselves, our lives and our relationships.

Action: Examine your beliefs about what and who you can and can’t say no to.

Build Your Self Esteem

Sometimes we think our worth is tied up with what we do for others and then we get stuck in thinking we always have to say yes, even when we want to say no. We can’t say no because we think “they will think I am a bad person” or some version of that.

Build up your self-esteem and separate who you are from what you do. If the people in your life are only happy when you are doing things for them, is that a healthy relationship anyway? Your relationships get healthier when you own your part and let people know what you can and can’t do rather than being stuck in automatic patterns of relating to each other.

Action: Prioritise you. Take actions that help you to feel good about yourself and who you are.

Use Positive Affirmations

If you find yourself thinking or saying “I can’t say no” you could instead affirm “I find it easy to say no and to take care of my needs”. Remember, everything we think and say is an affirmation; choose wisely.

Action: Create an affirmation that inspires you in this area.

Get Clear

Get clear about who you are and what lights you up. What do you enjoy doing with your life? When do you feel most relaxed and at ease? If you love time alone, why are you saying yes to all those social invitations? Getting clear about who you are and how you tick is important in getting better at saying no when necessary. You become clearer about what works for you and what doesn't work for you.

Action: Practice thinking about what you do want. Notice what lights you up and what drains you.

Photo with thanks to the|G|™ via Flickr

Are you feeling stuck in your life or your business?

If you enjoyed this and are interested in making positive changes in your life and/or business, then book your free (no obligation) consultation with me here at my coaching page.

Tapping (EFT) with Louise Hay & Nick Ortner

2013-01-21T09:00:00.000Z

If you have worked with me as a life coaching client or read my post “Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT): What It Is & How It Can Help You”, you will probably know that I am big fan of EFT or "tapping" as it is also called.

Tapping is something that is quick and easy to learn and do, to help us through difficult times or feelings. So I was delighted to receive an email from Louise Hay’s mailing list the other day, which included this video where she talks with Nick Ortner about tapping.

This video is a great introduction to tapping / EFT and a great refresher for those of us who have already tried it or use it regularly. Nick and Louise talked about how to use affirmations with tapping and as Louise says in the video, our affirmations work on a deeper level when done alongside tapping. Louise shares a personal issue that she is dealing with and you can tap along with her as she works through the issue, which I found a very moving experience.

What is particularly great about tapping is that it is something we can do easily for ourselves; we don’t have to see an expert or attend a course we can learn it in a couple of minutes and use when needed. This is one of the reasons I love it so much and often recommend to clients; it is a great tool for our self-care toolbox! It is a powerful practice for getting unstuck and just watching this video will show you to tap for yourself or possibly reignite your interest. Enjoy!

LINK: Louise Hay & Nick Ortner Video

Are you feeling stuck in your life or your business?

If you enjoyed this and are also interested in feeling more about using positive affirmations or working on another area of your life or business, then book your free consultation with me here at my coaching page.

Photo with thanks by Beverley & Pack via Flickr.

Are You Drowning Out Your Inner Voice?

2013-01-14T09:00:00.000Z

Getting in touch with our inner voice has so many benefits. It is like own internal GPS system that helps us make the right choices in life. Why then, would we drown it out?

It Seems Easier to Listen to the External World / Others

Listening to our inner voice doesn't always seem easy. We look to the external world and doubt our inner knowing or longings. We want a job that we love and feel passionate about but we see our peers getting well paid jobs (that are “ok”) and feel like that is the only way to go, putting our dreams on hold.

There’s No Roadmap

A tried and tested route often seems safer. Many of the desires that our heart may call for seem unclear and we ignore the call because we don't know where to start. It seems that not many (if any) people have done what we want to do.

We Don’t Trust Ourselves

This is a big one for a lot of people. We have stopped trusting ourselves. That inner voice is always there, but we doubt it, ignore it and look outside of ourselves for the answers we seek.

We’re Scared

Listening to our inner voice can seem scary. For example, when we have worked for many years to secure the dependable well paid job, only to receive nudges to follow our calling as an artist, it can seem annoying and even scary. Sometimes just admitting what we are thinking or feeling is a good first step. You don’t have to do anything about it to start with, but your inner voice will appreciate being heard. You can work through the feelings you have about the message afterwards.

How We Drown Out Our Inner Voice

Here are some of the ways that we drown out our inner voice:

Overworking
By being a People-pleaser
Self medicating through eating / drinking etc
Mindless and addictive internet habits including social media
Being in relationships with energy vampires
Over reading and consumption of information
Being perpetually busy
Jumping from relationship to relationship to avoid being alone
By always asking other people for their opinion, rather than asking ourselves what we think
Second guessing ourselves
Perfectionism

Strengthening Your Inner Voice

Here are some ideas that I have found useful for strengthening our inner voice:

Take Regular Time Out

Regular time out from external distractions is vital to hearing our inner voice. Our inner voice or knowing is always available and talking to us, but it is difficult to hear if we are constantly busy, stressed or distracting ourselves. Even five minutes a day sitting quietly and asking ourselves “what do I need to know?” can make a big difference. Practice taking time out for yourself.

Meditate

Meditation is about intentionally going within. It doesn’t need to be complicated or difficult. I often set an alarm for five minutes, get comfortable and close my eyes and concentrate on my breathing as my meditation practice. Find what works for you. There are many good free resources on the web such as HeadSpace that can help you get started, or refresh your meditation practice.

Practice Mindfulness

Meditation and taking regular time out helps us to become more mindful. When I find myself distracted or over thinking, I practice taking myself back to the present moment. Practicing being in the moment helps us to become in tune with our inner voice.

Exercise

Our minds and bodies are linked; when one is out of sync, so will the other. When we are healthy and energy is flowing through our bodies it is easier to tune in to our inner voice. When our bodies give us messages in the form of pain or aches, that is also the inner voice letting us know to pay attention to what is going on.

Writing

Writing is a great way to get in touch with our inner thoughts and knowing. Journalling regularly or when you are in a difficult situation is a good way to get in touch with what you are thinking and feeling and can help uncover things that you may not have been aware of before starting. If you haven’t heard of Morning Pages, have a look at this link for more information on the topic.

Practice Listening To Your Inner Voice

Ultimately, like any muscle, our inner voice becomes stronger when we use it. Practice trusting yourself and taking action based on your inner knowing. If things don’t work out how you thought, don’t beat yourself up or think it didn’t work. Encourage yourself and make your inner voice a trusted friend and advisor.

Are you feeling stuck in your life or your business?

If you enjoyed this and are interested in making positive changes in your life and/or business, then book your free (no obligation) consultation with me here at my coaching page.

Photo with thanks by CRASH:Candy

How Many Coaching Sessions Should I Have?

2013-01-07T09:00:00.000Z

Good question.

Here are a couple of things to think about when deciding how many coaching sessions to have:

1. How Does The Coach Work?

Get clear about how the coach works. Some coaches have coaching programs and some ask that sessions are arranged on a more ad-hoc basis, depending on how they work. When I am working with coaching clients, I usually recommend at least four sessions to get started as I have found that it is a power in committing to making the changes you want to make and giving yourself time to make them. After four, I and ask clients to decide how they would like to continue and book accordingly. Get clear about what the coach offers and how that fits in with your needs.

2. What Changes Do You Want To Make?

If you know what changes you are wanting to make, think about how much support you might need and how long for. If you don't know what changes you want to make yet, your coach will help you to get clearer as you work together.

3. What Type of Regularity Do I Want and Need?

Do you like (or think you'd like) the consistency of working with a coach weekly and find that it helps keep to keep you inspired and on top of your goals? Or do you find it helps to check in fortnightly or monthly and that this gives you the time between sessions to make the changes you want to?

4. What's Your Schedule Like?

Before committing to coaching, think realistically about your schedule and how often you can meet or speak with your coach. You may need to clear the space for coaching but you also don't want to commit to something you are unable to fulfill as this will be frustrating for you and your coach. It might also be that creating the time for coaching is a breakthrough in itself and one of the first changes you make.

5. What Can You Afford?

Be clear what you can afford and do your research about coaching rates. A good coach is an investment but also make sure you are comfortable with the rates. It is important to tale responsibility for your choice. A good coach won't want you to do anything you are uncomfortable with. Once you have chosen a coach within your budget, one way you could make coaching more affordable is to spread out the sessions (i.e. fortnightly instead of weekly). Speak with your coach and see how they work and how you can make it work for you.

6. Is there Flexibility?

Most coaches, have flexibility around how many sessions clients have. I let clients book what they need after they have had four sessions. I let them know when they are coming to the end of the sessions they are paid for, so they can make an informed decision about whether to re-book and continue the coaching process.

7. How Do I Know When I should Finish Coaching?

A coach has done their job when you don't feel you need coaching anymore. Although coaching is partly about offering support, it shouldn't be something you continue to "need". Some goals will take a longer time to achieve than others. Use your intuition about how you are getting on and regularly (with your coach and alone), evaluate your progress towards your goals.

Are you feeling stuck in your life or your business?

If you enjoyed this and are interested in making positive changes in your life and/or business, then book your free consultation with me here at my coaching page.

Photo by Valerie Everett via Flickr, with thanks

Goodbye 2012, Hello 2013! (with free worksheets)

2012-12-11T14:58:00.000Z

As the year comes to a close, I am sure like many of you, my mind is turning to what has passed this year and what is to come next year.

With that in mind, I have created a gift for you; a "Goodbye 2012, Hello 2013" worksheet, which is available for free download here. I would suggest making your drink of choice and spending an hour or so, working your way through the questions. Give yourself time to think, say goodbye, let go, welcome new ideas and to dream up the next twelve months.

One of the many things that I took away from the "I Can Do It, London 2012" conference this year is the power of affirmations. Louise Hay shared that she uses affirmations to create each year a new. Affirmations are so powerful because they bring everything to the present moment, rather than looking at somewhere to get to. One of the exercises I ask you to do in the worksheet, is to create an affirmation for 2013.

I am off to do my worksheet now! I hope you find it useful and please feel free to share it with your friends.

Are you feeling stuck in your life or your business?

If you enjoyed this and are interested in having life coaching with me, then you can book your free (no obligation) consultation here at my coaching page.

Photo by M Kasahara via Flickr, with thanks

The Benefits of Life Coaching

2012-12-03T15:28:00.000Z

If you haven't used a life coach, you may have some questions about how it works and what benefits you can expect so I wanted to provide an overview of the benefits for you.

Life Coaching is an ongoing professional relationship that can help you to produce extraordinary results in your life, career and / or businesses. Life Coaching is not counselling or therapy; it is forward looking and is about achieving positive results in your life. As your coach, I will show you techniques and simple strategies for helping you to close the gap between where you are now and what you want to achieve.

There are many benefits it be had from engaging in life coaching:

Clarity

Knowing what you want can be half the battle in life. As part of your pre-coaching work, I will help you to get clear about what you would like to achieve from coaching (if you are not already). On an on-going basis, coaching will help you to get and stay clear about your goals and the direction you would like to head in.

Accountability

Accountability is a powerful tool for creating change. When engaged in the life coaching process, you will work with me, your coach to create goals to achieve between sessions. Coaching is very much a joint journey and as your life coach, I don't give you advice or tell you what to do; together we will create goals for you that will be realistic and achievable and importantly, inspiring to you. The goals should be your goals and owned by you. If for some reason you are not able to achieve that goal, you will work with me in the next session to see what stopped you and help you to move forward again. The simple act of telling someone else what you intend to do can make a huge difference in the desire to achieve it. If you find that you are putting something off week after week, it is much more obvious in the coaching scenario and gets dealt with quicker than you may do by yourself. This means that you can either get to the bottom of why you have not achieved the goal or decide to leave it to one side if you realise it no longer inspires you.

Unbiased Input

Friends and family can be a great source of support, but sometimes unbiased input can make a big difference to your perspective and help you to see things about yourself and your life situation differently. We often hear things better from an outsider, than from people to close to the situation or us. Though your Mum may always remind you of your strengths, hearing the same message from someone outside of your situation can be helpful.

The Opportunity To Focus On You

Life coaching is an opportunity to focus on you and your dreams and aspirations. In day to day life, being busy with family, friends, work and hobbies often means that you and your bigger wants get left to the side. Life coaching gives you the space to think about you, your thoughts and feelings and about what is important to you. Life coaching can be truly life changing and can enable you to carve the space in your life for your goals and what is important to you.

Personal Development

Life coaching can be challenging and hard work, though also rewarding and fun. You will be looking at yourself honestly and challenging yourself to push yourself beyond your comfort zones. Life coaching will enhance your personal development and assist you in taking the various areas of your life to the next level.

Have you had life coaching? Please feel free to share the benefits you have found. Have further questions about life coaching? Please feel free to leave a question in the comments section or contact me.

Are you feeling stuck in your life or your business?

If you enjoyed this and are also interested in having life coaching with me, then you can book your free consultation here at my coaching page.

Photo with thanks by mydigitalSLR via Flickr

Self-Care for Busy Times

2012-11-15T15:16:00.002Z

I am a big fan and advocate of self-care, as you probably know if you have been here before. I feel that our relationship to ourselves is one of the most important things we can cultivate in life and that it strongly influences our happiness and relationships with others. Saying that, self-care can seem like the bottom of the rung in terms of priorities, when life is busy! I know that I found it much easier to meditate in the summer months when my schedule was so much quieter, for example. So, I wanted to talk about self-care in busy times today. How do we create a good relationship with ourselves, so that when life is busy we can still take care of ourselves? Here are a few ways I do it:

Alone Time

When I have had a particularly busy day or week, some time alone is vital! I put on a little lamp in my bedroom and just lie by myself (or with my cat!), just to take time out and be.

Practice Self-Compassion

I'm learning that when life's busy, I don't need to make things harder by being at war with myself (for e.g. by expecting too much of myself, pushing myself too hard etc). If I'm tired or stretched, I know my defenses are lower and that I might need to give myself that extra boost of compassion.

Exercise
Staying healthy is so important, but exercising can be the first thing to go or something we don't attempt when busy (especially if we are already resisting doing it - busyness becomes the perfect excuse!). However, exercise is an act of self-care and something that helps us cope with busy times. Even a small amount of exercise (walking when you'd normally take the lift) can start making a difference.

Plan
Planning and being as clear as possible about our schedule is an act of self-care. Planning helps us to firstly create our days and lives more consciously and secondly, to set boundaries about what we can and can't do. Planning doesn't have to be arduous or too complicated. A simple plan in a diary or phone can make the world of difference. Also, plan fun and relaxing things into your schedule as well (not just work)!

List Your Achievements
Take time to list your achievements each day, even if it's just to yourself. When we're busy life can seem like a never ending to-do list, which is why it is important to get clear about what you are achieving too. Decide for yourself about what is an achievement for you and don't be too hard on yourself!

Eat Well
Like exercise, eating well can be one of the first casualties when we are busy. I resisted the temptation to grab a chocolate bar today in the search for a quick hit (I know the dip will come)! Thinking longer term and about what is going to sustain you does help to make healthier choices.

Are you feeling stuck in your life or your business?

If you enjoyed this and are also interested in working on self-care or on another area of your life or business, then book your free consultation with me here at my coaching page.

Photo with thanks by JessieHarrell via Flickr

How to Change Your Thoughts

2012-10-17T15:19:00.000+01:00

"Change your thoughts and you change your world." Norman Vincent Peale

To make any positive change in our life, we need to change our thoughts. However changing our habitual thought patterns might not feel easy and it can seem like we are trying to change the habit of a lifetime (which we often are). This issue is something that often comes up for life coaching clients as they set about making changes to how they approach their lives - it’s a natural part of the process.

Wayne Dyer says: “You will see it when you believe it.”

This is true whether we think negatively or positively. What we believe becomes true for us. If we are having a bad day and think everyone is out to get us... lo and behold; look what we find! Conversely when we focus on the positive and how kind people are, more of them seem to show up in our lives! When our thoughts are further ingrained into beliefs about the world and how things are, we also attract experiences in line with them and these are important to change also. We find what we look for, so rather than looking for the negative, let’s learn to look for the positive and change the way we think about and see the world around us.

I will share some of the tools that have made a difference to my coaching clients and in my own life.

Mindfulness
Mindfulness is a popular word at the moment and rightly so; practicing mindfulness has been shown to have many health benefits and can help us to iron out some of the kinks and habitual ways of thinking we have developed that don't serve us. Simply put; it is about seeing reality as it is rather than through the lens of our chattering mind, thoughts and beliefs. Practicing mindfulness is a great foundation for changing our thoughts as it helps us to do a spring clean on our minds. If you imagine your mind as a window, if it is smeared with negative thoughts and beliefs you will see the world in a certain way - mindfulness meditation helps to clean that window so you can see more clearly and is a great foundation for helping you to think more in line with your true nature - positively.

Positive Affirmations
A positive thought and a negative thought are both affirmations. When we think anything, we are affirming that it is true, which is why it is so important to be clear about what you are thinking and ensuring it is what you want to create in your life. Gently catch yourself when you find yourself thinking negatively and turn the thought around. For example, if you found yourself thinking "Nothing ever goes my way", you could turn the thought around to "I prosper wherever I turn, things are working out for my highest good".

Change Your Body
Our minds and our bodies are linked. If you find yourself thinking the same old patterns, get yourself moving to change your mind and body chemistry! As Dr David Hamilton shared in "I Can Do It" London 2012, do a silly dance when you catch yourself thinking those fearful thoughts. It's hard to keep thinking those negative thoughts when doing some crazy dancing!

Patience

Changing your thoughts isn't an overnight thing; it takes time and patience and the willingness to keep practicing and be patient and gentle with yourself. Our mind will be with us till the day we die so its about making friends with it and ourselves and learning to focus on the positive and being willing to transform negative thoughts and patterns into positive ones. Affirmations like "I find it easy to make positive changes" are a good way to change that thought to a positive and view change as a positive and easy thing to do.

Recommended reading:

Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illnessby Jon Kabat Zinn

The Mindful Manifesto: How Doing Less and Noticing More Can Help Us Thrive in a Stressed-Out Worldby Dr Jonty Heaversedge and Ed Halliwell

Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic Worldby Mark Williams

You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay

Photo by I.. C.. U via Flickr, with thanks

Be Your Own Best Friend

2012-10-08T09:46:00.000+01:00

“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” ~ Oscar Wilde

The more time I spend living my own life and as a life coach, the more I am convinced that supporting ourselves and being our own best friends is a missing link for so many of us. How many people know how to honour the relationship with themself? How many of us are taught that the most important relationship is the one we have with ourselves? How many of us know how to be our own cheerleaders?

Louise Hay says that she regularly says to herself: "I love you & know that you are doing the best you can."

What would it be like to tell yourself this? I think at some level, most of us need a little, if not a lot more self-love. It is often at times of change or stress that this inability to love and support ourselves really comes to the fore. We tell ourselves we "should" be doing better; we think there is something "wrong" with us and compare ourselves brutally to others. So, how do we really become our own best friend? Louise Hay is an inspirational woman, but she's human like the rest of us and has the same tools available as we do. Being our own best friend is about practice; there is no magic wand. It is about gently catching ourselves when we are being tough on ourselves, telling ourselves that we are doing well and encouraging and supporting ourselves through the different situations in our lives as well as through the good times. It is about knowing that we are doing the best we can at any moment, and reminding ourselves about that when we feel we have made mistakes and forgotten that this is the case.

Use Positive Self Talk

How we talk to ourselves is so important. If the idea of self-talk is new to you, just spend some time noticing how you talk to yourself. You might notice that you expect yourself to always do things right and really beat yourself up when you don’t feel you have met your own expectations. What do you think or say to yourself when you look in the mirror? Do you tell yourself how great you look today or how much you love yourself? Or do you look for spots or wrinkles and what you think is wrong? You may also notice that you are better to yourself in some areas of life than others. For some people their body image is their Achilles heel, whilst others expect themselves to be always on top of things at work or in every area of life, even when they are having a hard time.

"Dissolve" Negative Beliefs Around

When we dig into these areas, we often uncover disempowering beliefs that we have been carrying around about ourselves. Although it can be uncomfortable to realise what you think about yourself (or indeed because they feel so true that you can’t see how they wouldn’t be) but awareness really is the first (and a big step) to changing anything. For example, I noticed recently that I had some negative beliefs around money and my prosperity. Once I was aware of that I started regularly using the affirmation “Money flows easily and effortlessly into my life”. I can see that I am starting to believe that and shift where I stand in this regard and also see reality corresponding to my new belief as my coaching business becomes busier than ever! Dissolving bad habits or negative beliefs (as talked about in this post), rather than "breaking" them is a gentler way to deal with them.

Do Mirror Work

Mirror work is a really powerful tool. Twice a day, in front of a mirror, repeat these positive affirmation ten times:

I can feel good about myself!

I can make positive changes in my life!

I can ______ (insert whatever it is you want)

I can do it!

If you have something more specific you want to work on, you can write your own affirmations. If doubts or fears or negative thoughts come up, just recognize them for what they are; old limiting beliefs that want to stay around. Say to them gently: “Out, I no longer need you” and then repeat your positive affirmations again. That which we constantly affirm becomes true for us. Why not carry a hand mirror in your bag to make it easy to do?

Provide a Supportive Environment for Yourself

Provide yourself with as nice as an environment to live and work in (and wherever else you spend your time) as you can. Even if you don’t like where you live or work, you can affirm what you do want and learn to love what you have and make it as nice as possible in the meantime. Make the most if what you currently have and the universe will give you more. Being your own best friend means taking care of and supporting yourself and that also means giving yourself the best surroundings that you can. A bunch of fresh flowers or a clean and tidy desk to work at are all acts of self love. You could put up affirmations around your home to remind yourself what you want to affirm throughout the day. I have regular reminders on my phone throughout the day with affirmations.

Have Fun

Have fun with making these positive changes. If you find the idea of loving yourself (or even liking yourself) hard, take baby steps and just gently remind yourself that you are making positive changes in your life and pat yourself on the back for it. Look for things to lift yourself up about. If you find your slipping or noticing that you have been stuck in negative patterns, don’t beat yourself up. Gently bring yourself back and remind yourself that learning to be aware of negative patterns is another accomplishment!

I will leave you with this wonderful quote from Marianne Williamson:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

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With thanks: Photo by Dia™ via Flickr

"I Can Do It" London 2012 - Part 2

2012-10-01T10:00:00.000+01:00

Following on from "I Can Do It" London 2012 - Part 1, I wanted to share about my experience of Day 2.

Louise Hay and Cheryl Richardson

Louise and Cheryl

Louise and Cheryl’s talk was really great. It was fun, intimate and very enlightening. We all laughed a lot and Louise mentioned a few times within their talk about the importance of having fun when learning and making changes in our lives.

“Life loves you”. “Loving yourself is all you need to do”. “Your job is to stay focused on creating a good, loving relationship with yourself and to stay on the path”.

Louise acknowledged how many men were in the audience and said “this is for all of us”; both men and women.

Starting your day

“What is the first thing you say to yourself before you even open your eyes? As you begin your day is how you live your day and how you live your day is a good indication of how you live your life. Be grateful. Affirm that your days going to be wonderful. Thank your bed”! Louise shared about how she always thanks her bed for a wonderful night’s sleep!

“Bring awareness to the habitual thoughts associated with your daily habits. Remember everything you don't like outside of yourself is a reflection. The world is a reflection of our thinking. Everything is affirmations. Thought is energy and it creates. Science is backing this up.”

Mirror work

Louise talked about mirror work and asked “what are you saying to yourself as you do different activities in your day? At one point in the talk, Louise pulled out a hand mirror from her bra! She carries her mirror around so that can take it out regularly to affirm positive, loving thoughts to herself in the mirror.

The thoughts we associate with our habitual actions

Thoughts associated with actions become habits. Louise and Cheryl recommended putting affirmations around the home and Cheryl shared how she now has one in the shower: “I am showered with love all day long”.

Louise then asked “What do you say when choosing clothes? In the shower?” Louise said how it is important to make friends with everything around us; our clothes, furniture, the shower, and our kitchen.

Louise shared that she says “hello” to her appliances and tells her oven she loves it! As she rightly says, the kitchen is the nourishment centre of the home so we need to positively affirm that. For example, rather than saying “I have nothing to wear” you could say “I have wonderful clothes and always choose the right things”. This will bring a change in attitude towards your closet and consequently a change in the actions you take around it and your clothes. Cheryl shared that since doing positive affirmations about her closet she gave many things to charity and only buys clothes she absolutely loves now!

Change your relationship with the things you interact with every day. Make affirmations about what you want (not what you don't want). Make every thought you speak or think on your side, rather than against you or about what you don't want. Let life know how you like it to be lived.

Intentional Driving!

Louise shared about her experiences driving. She sends love to other drivers, affirms it will be a great day and an easy journey that will be quicker than anticipated. She also shared about a reminder in her car to "put a smile on your liver" as our liver is associated with anger; a good antidote to road rage! She asked: what is the feeling you want in your car?

Louise talked about being aware of all the little moments in your life and how you live with yourself longer than with anyone else so to make it the best relationship you can. Forgive yourself and others. Ask yourself what you want to hear. Remember, self-hatred is only hating a thought you have about yourself. Be the most joyous person in the room wherever you are, so that everyone is always excited to see you!

Cheryl recommended that you find a picture of yourself as a child (including seeing eyes and hands) and put it somewhere you'll see it. If you catch yourself speaking negatively to yourself, remind yourself yourself of the picture... you wouldn't talk to a child that way! Create an on-going dialogue of being kind to yourself. Catch yourself when thinking negative thoughts and setting up miserable experiences for yourself.

Dissolving Bad Habits

Louise talked about dissolving bad habits rather than "breaking" them. Dissolving means nothings left; no broken pieces – it all disappears. For example, we can dissolve and let go of bad habits e.g. complaining. Louise reminded us that when we verbalise complaints, we've already been going over it many times in our heads beforehand! No one likes to be around a complainer and when you complain, you attract more things to complain about! If you slip at letting go of habits, just notice, and remember there's nothing wrong.

Resolutions

Rather than making New Year’s resolutions, Louise shared how she imagines how she would like the upcoming year to look and then affirms thoughts aligned with that vision. For example “My happy mind brings me many health benefits”; “this is a breakthrough year for me”, “I am surrounded by love”, etc. Affirm “Life loves me” and then watch for good experiences.

Success

Louise shared what she believes is the key to her success: “I answer the phone and open the mail. It's only ever been about helping other people”. And as Cheryl; reminded us, she really is a success in so many ways. She started on the path in her fifties and amongst many other huge achievements, also runs the very successful publishing company; Hay House.) Bless and prosper others. Look at how you can help life and life will help you.

At work

Louise recommends we bless everything: our desk, lifts; our colleagues, our boss. Send love ahead of us so that wherever we go, we find it waiting for us when we arrive. Bless every person, place and thing.

Louise talked about her work with men with AIDS; many with broken relationships with their family. She had the men affirm ' I have a wonderful relationship with all my family, especially x and y" (whoever the issue was with). She said that mostly the mothers turned up a few months later after affirming these thoughts. She talked about watch how life unfolds as we do this. We can do our bit, whatever they are doing and allow life to unfold. As Louise said, it’s about creating a loving atmosphere for yourself and not about trying to change others. When you see evidence of positive thoughts remind yourself too - it isn't a coincidence.

Have fun

Louise and Cheryl were so fun during the talk, laughing and gently ribbing each other. They talked about having fun learning. You could start a class, use books / DVD's and discuss them. When we do this work on ourselves we become better people to be around. Louise talked about the importance of staying on your own path and being a powerful example (and not preaching).

Louise shared that for her the two most important things to work on are our thinking and nutrition. She shared that every day she has a green juice and also has a plastic bag in her freezer which she adds all her vegetable scraps etc. to. She boils and simmers this in a pot of water over night with 1/4 cup of apple cider vinegar and strains. She keeps the juice and has 2/3 cups a day and uses as a broth etc. as she said, we need to make it a pleasure to live in our body.

Brian Weiss

I haven’t got a lot to share about Brian’s talk because it was mostly experiential as he did a group regression. He was really funny and shared some interesting and moving stories about coming onto the path of conducting past life regressions through one of his psychiatry patients. He also shared about the story of Jenny Cockell; a woman who was born in the UK with clear memories of a past life in Ireland. Brian’s books including Many Lives, Many Masters and Through Time Into Healing are very good.

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"I Can Do It" London 2012 - Part 1

2012-09-25T12:24:00.000+01:00

I spent this past weekend at the “I Can Do It” conference in London run by Louise Hay’s company, Hay House. I decided to go primarily because it would be an opportunity to see Louise Hay speak, something I hadn’t yet done. Also speaking were Wayne Dyer, Cheryl Richardson, Brian Weiss amongst many others. It was a beautiful weekend; inspiring and practical; I came away with a real sense of peace about my own life and clearer about my purpose here (to love) and what I can offer to others. I wanted to share an overview of some of these talks as there was a lot of gold in there:

Wayne Dyer

Wayne Dyer

Wayne talked about allowing the divine force to take over and about how we can be our ego or be love. Wayne talked about allowing ourselves to be guided by the same principle that has us be here on earth, after not being here and referred to a quote by Lao Tzu that we're not doing, we’re being done (by something greater than ourselves). He shared the acronym for our ego as “edging god out”. He shared about some of the components of the ego including how it thinks people must like us which fits in with my work on moving beyond people pleasing. As he said, some people love what he talks about and some people thinks he’s a fool! We need to move beyond our ego and worrying what people think of us and share our divinity.

Wayne talked about how the soul doesn't want to be told what to do and how none of us like to be told what to do, what we can't do etc. Growth and our souls are infinite and we don’t want to be fenced in. The way we treat our soul well is by following our excitement. Our excitement is who we are; our soul. When we are living from the interior we will always be supported. It is effortless and as you let go of the boxes you've been placed in or that you've placed yourself in, you will do what you love and love what you do. The universe supports us as we are now aligned with it. When you connect to your passion, you connect to your soul. Your excitement isn't something you do. It is who you are. “I am that which thrills me inside.”

When you are aligned with your source, you and God become one. You can do what God can do. You have the power and capacity to manifest at any level. As Wayne shared, this isn’t blasphemous, The Bible says we are God. This isn’t egotistical, but the truth of our divinity. God is love. There is no place that God is not. You are God and I am God. We need to have awareness that we are divine. We need to come from divine love and let go to manifest anything in our lives. To get from from the ordinary level of consciousness to the extraordinary we need to change ourselves and the concepts we have of ourselves i.e. everything we believe to be true (our “truths”).

Wayne talked about Portia Nelson’s Autobiography in five short chapters, which is about how we learn to take better paths in life as we grow in consciousness. You can read it here. He talked about how the lower self (or ego) decreases as the divine increases. We need to fill our container (body) with divine love and take care of ourself and our divinity. Who we are is God. God is not an external concept. Wayne referred to “I am that I am” that God shared with Moses. We choose what "that" is (intentionally when using positive affirmations). How do you use "I am"? Do you use it positively by saying things such as "I am well" or negatively such as "I am stressed"? When you defy “I am” (use it negatively) you throttle the great divinity within.

Anita Moorjani

Anita Moorjani

Wayne then invited Anita Moorjani onto the stage to share about her healing experience when she crossed over to the other side and chose to come back. Now a healthy young woman, in 2006 Anita had been in hospital with just hours to live, unable to move due to the cancer that she had been living with for three years. She shared how she could hardly breathe as her lungs filled up with fluid, couldn’t walk and had open sores and tumours all over her body. She and those around her were preparing for her death when she crossed over and shared the beautiful experience she had on the other side. She shared about the love she felt and how she was aware of being able to be everywhere (she was aware of her brother getting on the plane in India to come to Hong Kong to see her before she died and also of doctor’s discussing her in another part of the hospital). She then became aware of her medical records and saw that she would be completely healed if she chose to come back to earth, which she did (though she said it was hard, she knew there was more for her to do). Anita’s talk was so moving and linked in with a lot of what Wayne shared about the soul being who we are and why we are here. I loved what Anita said to sum up her purpose: "My only purpose is to be as me as I can be".

Anita’s book is out now: Dying To Be Me: My Journey from Cancer, to Near Death, to True Healing.

Wayne then went back to what he and Anita talked about regarding time not being real (which is now being backed up by Quantam Physics). If there is no time, we are able to ignore what our senses are telling us (this is how we can affirm what we want, despite the current evidence in front of us). Wayne then shared six tips for living:

1. Use our imagination
If you don't expect what you actually want you will operate from the ego. Live from the “I am” instead.

2. Live despite the senses
Assume the feeling of the wish fulfilled.

3. Live as though it is an accomplished fact
We need to defy our "training" and let go of what we believe to be true and find a way to say "I am" - this is who we truly are.

4. Use subjective attention Our attention can be objective or subjective and we need to use subjective attention to live powerfully. Wayne shared about when he was diagnosed with leukemia and how some people shared and emailed stories about it being incurable and how he sent those emails to his trash can (he is now cured). We need to choose what we focus our attention on and assume the feeling of the wish fulfilled.

5. Use the last five minutes of the day wisely
We are entering the subconscious mind (and the mind of God) for approximately eight hours every night so we are spending one third of our life in this state. It is therefore wise to think about what we want rather than to think about what we don't like or want just before we go to sleep. Our subconscious mind can't distinguish between what we don't want; it just offers experiences to match where we put our attention. This is why positive affirmations and expressing gratitude are perfect things to do before sleep.

Wayne then talked about “divine appointments” that we can have with others and shared about someone he had met in the lift the day before that was at the conference. He “knew” there were meant to meet and talked about the experience of time slowing down and how many “coincidences” and blessings had arisen from their meeting. I have had these moments too and Wayne talked about the need for all of us to to take out what's not working in life to have more of these moments. In closing, Wayne shared this quote: "You can either be a host to God or a hostage to your ego.”

Wayne’s latest book is Wishes Fulfilled: Mastering the Art of Manifesting.

Dr David Hamilton

David’s talk was very interesting, intersecting science and spirituality. David talked about whether life is predestined or not and shared that it has been found that it’s not, there is just a “probable future” for each of us but that it is malleable. He talked about “entanglement” and how our energy and thoughts interlink with those around us and how visualisation has been found to change our brain chemistry. The universe hears every dream i.e. sending prayers at a distance has been found to have an effect. The stronger the emotional connection with someone the easier it will be to pick up on their consciousness. He shared about how his Mum did that with him when he was depressed and would phone at different times of the day even though he hadn’t told her how he felt.

David talked about the illusions of time and how it has been found that decisions in the present can actually change the past; we just can't see it which backs up what Wayne and Anita shared. He also talked about how every thought changes our mind and body chemistry (which is why it is important to cultivate positive thoughts).
David talked about the soul, what he calls “big you” (I like that!) and how some people know what they are here to do and some don't. one isn’t better than the other, as he said that when you don’t know, you don't get in your own way! You have a blank canvas.

David's practical tips for living:

1. Imagine what you want (and don't hold back)

Get out of the way and stop believing you "can't". Connect yourself to the event. The more you imagine something, the stronger it becomes. So imagine what you want - not what you don't want!

2. Gratitude
The more attention we give to what we don't want, the more we are connecting with these events. By paying attention to what's working; the more what you want grows.

3. Ups and downs are normal.
Events in life are often cyclic (moons, seasons, fashion, life events) and repeat themselves, though even when we feel we are back at the same place it has been found that we have moved on; the circle is actually a spiral. We have never failed; we just need to wait out the storm.

4. Whatever you do, do it with kindness

The evolution of consciousness means more love for ourselves and others. Kindness always creates a ripple effect; one act of kindness lifts that person up making it likely they will do an act of kindness for someone else.

5. How to get around the fear of life not going the way we want.Fear makes our brain work backwards so you now associate your dream with fear. So, when you have fear, David recommends doing a silly dance! A “victory over fear” dance. Do it long enough that you end up smiling! A great way to change the chemistry of your body when you are stuck in fear!

I will share Part 2 in my next post, including talks by Louise Hay and Cheryl Richardson and Brian Weiss. Read it here.

Are you feeling stuck in your life or your business?

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10 Ways to Improve Your Life Today

2012-09-10T11:41:00.000+01:00

by RelaxingMusic via Flickr

1. Move

Exercise isn't everyone's favourite word, but simply put, it involves moving your body more. Find ways to exercise that you enjoy and that suit your lifestyle. The more you enjoy it, the more likely you are to keep it up and to view it as something positive, than simply something to be endured. Start small and focus on your achievements.

2. Eat Well

Eating the best food we can is a very good way to improve your energy, wellbeing and general health. Everyone's bodies are different, so experiment with what works best for you.

3. Get the Right Amount of Sleep (For You)

Again, we are all different, so find your sweet spot with getting enough sleep. Some people thrive on five hours a night, some (like me) like at least eight. You know if you are getting enough (and a good quality of) sleep. If not, get into the habit of making it a priority and making any adjustments to your schedule and diet to optimize your sleep.

4. Write

Writing is a great way to improve your life. There are many reasons people write, you don't have to be a professional writer or penning a book. You could write fiction or just what comes to mind. It can be a great way to process your thoughts and feelings and unlock your creativity. Julia Cameron who wrote The Artists Way recommends writing three pages a day of stream of consciousness. No editing or judging - just writing out whatever is inside you. Many people use this as a personal development tool and it can be used to dig deeper as a writer if you want to - to remove the surface' stuff from your mind.

5. Get Creative

Many of us lose touch with our creativity as the years pass. Making your creativity a priority can help you enjoy life more, feel healthier and have outlets for your deeper feelings or callings. Taking pictures, drawing, writing (see above), cooking, dancing, web design.. The sky's the limit. Slowing down enough to notice the beuaty in every day life helps to engage the creative brain.

6. Pursue Your Passion(s)

Even if you don't currently know what your passion or passions are, staying committed or re-committing to finding them is a very good way to improve your life. I believe we all have things that we are put on this planet to do and it is our job to uncover them. Don't give up! Spending time being creative is a good way to explore this.

7. Stop People-Pleasing

I really believe stopping people-pleasing is one thing that can dramatically improve the quality of your life. Read my free ebook (by subscribing at the top right of my site) to find out more about how to put people-pleasing in the past and live more authentically.

8. Meditate

Meditation is a great way to press pause on every day life and just be. It is an excellent practice for your mental, physical amd spiritual well being. I highly recommend reading "Full Catastrophe Living" if you are interested in mindfulness meditation, which is the one I practice.

9. Spend More Time Outside

Being a bit of a book worm, I didn't always spend a lot of time outside. However, since moving to the countryside I spend quite a bit of time outside and I contribute not getting colds like I used to, to this. Good for your health and mental wellbeing!

10. Go for Your Dreams

Life's too short to do the same old thing, day in day out without pursuing your dreams. If you've buried them deep or just forgotten what your dreams are, make a pact today to excavate them!

Are you feeling stuck in your life or your business?

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How to Stop Being Needy

2012-08-18T14:36:00.000+01:00

Neediness as described by The Free Dictionary is:

1. Being in need; impoverished.

2. Wanting or needing affection, attention, or reassurance, especially to an excessive degree.

When we are being needy, we are operating from the belief that we don’t have something that we need, rather than the empowering belief that we are perfect, whole and complete in this moment.

We know deep down that no-one else can make us happy, but boy do we try that route anyway! We think that getting a partner will make us happy, but find ourselves feeling the same once the initial romance has wore off. Nonetheless, we still think they should be a certain way... and then we'll be happy. We know this way of doing things doesn’t work but we still hold on to it. “If only my friend would pay me more attention”, or “if my colleagues were more helpful”… then I’ll be happy. It places a lot of pressure on others and puts our own happiness constantly out of reach. Putting our happiness in the hands of anyone else is a recipe for disaster. We’ve all worked with annoying co-workers and have had friends who we think should behave in a certain way; we’re only human after all. But what would it be like to drop those expectations and “shoulds”? What would it be like to stop expecting someone else to make us happy or start behaving in a certain way before we can be happy? What would it be like to become our own knight in shining armour?

So, how do we move away from needy feelings and behaviours?

1. Spend Time Alone

One of the best antidotes to neediness is learning to spend time alone and getting in touch with your own wisdom. One of the signs of neediness or being out of touch with your own needs is "busy-ness" or feeling over reliant on the company of others. If that’s the case for you, ask yourself honestly “What am I avoiding?” A meditation practice or carving out even ten minutes a day to sit quietly can help you to start getting in touch with yourself and what you need.

2. Ask Yourself: What Do I Need?

What are your needs? When we are feeling needy, we have lost touch with what we really need. If you find yourself feeling upset or irritated that people aren't doing certain things for you or being a certain way - ask yourself what would you like from them? Is it love? Attention? Understanding? Use the needs list to identify what you need. On a practical level, we often need a lot less than we think we do. If you are feeling needy for material possessions, have a look at what need that is flagging up and challenge your own assumption that you need more things to be happy.

3. What Can You Provide for Yourself?

Now look at what you can provide for yourself. The thing is, you can provide for yourself everything you are looking for "out there" and more. If you want love, attention and understanding start giving it to yourself. Getting to know yourself and what makes you tick and providing for your own needs comes down to loving yourself. I'm a big fan of Louise Hay's work, the basic idea being that loving yourself can solve any problem in life. When you love who you are, you take care of yourself. This doesn't mean no-one else will take care of you, it means you provide for your own needs. Then when you are with others you do not “need" something from them. You are perfect, whole and complete. Your relationships become much more satisfying when you don't need anything; you can be really present with the other person.

4. Why Am I Feeling Needy?

Use your feelings as a guide. If you are feeling particularly needy in a certain situation, take a step back and have a look and see what is really going on. What triggers that feeling of neediness in you? Maybe you're in a relationship where the other person is aloof or unavailable, which is leading to those feelings arising. What is the message that your feelings are providing? What are you not getting, that you need? You can then look at providing those needs for yourself as described above and also at the situation you are in honestly and objectively. If you are not getting what you need in a relationship for example, you can then decide the next best step. You can work on transforming that feeling and taking actions to restore balance.

A few years back I was working in a job that was a good fit at the beginning but which over time became oppressive and negative. There were external factors that contributed to these feelings and I can see now that I was out-growing the job. My needs changed. I was ready to step into the calling I was having to be a coach and mentor and was also becoming more interested in entrepreneurship and being self employed. Nothing stays the same, so use your feelings as a guide as to what you are needing right now.

5. Reduce Expectations

Reducing expectations is a good practice to get into and can help reduce the feeling of neediness. Reducing expectations doesn’t mean that you accept less than you deserve, but it does reduce a lot of friction and upset. If we can stay present and learn to detach from expectations, we can learn to accept each moment without it being “less”than we would like.

6. Stay Grounded

The feeling of neediness originates with a thought and can be magnified by over –identifying with our mind. Get in the habit of grounding yourself and bringing yourself back to the here and now. Remind yourself that right now, in this moment, you are fine. Practices like yoga and meditation can help to bring us back to the here and now and reduce the feeling of anxiety or that something is missing.

Remember, you are perfect, whole and complete. Anything else is an illusion.

News

I have delighted to tell you that I created my first ebook: "Beyond People-Pleasing" and it is now available for FREE download on subscribing via email (if you haven’t already, you can do this at the top right hand corner of my site. Current subscribers will receive a copy by email).

Are you feeling stuck in your life or your business?

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Photo by Rantes) via Flickr

The Importance of Loving Yourself

2012-07-19T15:23:00.000+01:00

by Quinn Donbrowski via Flickr

“Think thoughts that make you feel good, make choices that make you feel good and take actions that make you feel good.” Cheryl Richardson

I read "You Can Create an Exceptional Life" by Louise Hay and Cheryl Richardson recently and it reminded me of the importance of loving ourselves and just how the degree to how much we do this is mirrored within our own lives.

One of the first personal development books that I read was “You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise Hay; it is a brilliant book and its message is simple: our thoughts create our reality and loving ourselves (and creating more loving thoughts) is the cure for our problems.

"Life is really very simple. What we give out, we get back. What we think about ourselves becomes the truth for us.... Every thought we think is creating our future. Each one of us creates our experiences by our thoughts and feelings. The thoughts we think and words we speak create our experiences."

So many of us look for love and validation outside ourselves; in relationships, through friendships, at work or wherever, but neglect the fact that we can love ourselves. We are like hungry ghosts, looking everywhere else for love but the place where we can truly get it. When we are coming from this place we actually push love away from us, because the underlying thought or belief is: I don't have love and I need to get it outside of me.

Imagine what life would be like when we supported and encouraged ourselves with loving thoughts rather than fearful ones? So many of our problems in life come from a lack of self love. Would some people feel the need to make themselves feel better by putting others down with more self love? Would there be so much tension in the work place if there wasn't so much "one up manship" and employees knew how to meet their own needs healthily? What kind of relationships would we have if we had a focus on self love? What would our relationships be like with our bodies when we focussed on nurturing and caring for them instead of critisizing or ignoring them?

I think many of us worry about loving ourselves, thinking it is selfish or wrong. In fact it is the best thing you can do for yourself and those around you. Many spiritual texts talk about the importance of learning to love ourselves and know what we need first. Only then can we be really there for others. We can't give something we don't have, after all. This is why people often give the metaphor of what we are told on a plane; in the event of an emergency, out your own mask on first! We can’t help anyone else if we don’t take care of our own wellneing first.

So, to create the life we want Louise recommends that we,

"bypass the issue and talk about what you want as though it is so".

Our words have power; rather than saying things like "I'm always late" or "I'm no good at relationships" we need to take charge and talk about what we want as we want it, and as though we already have it. To start, gentle catching ourselves as we find ourselves thinking negatively is useful. We can start refraining from negative affirmations and turning them around into positive affirmations. Catch yourself and be aware of what you are feeding your mind.

I practised positive affirmations for half an hour in a car journey last week. It struck me that though I wouldn't think of myself as a particularly negative thinker; I am often not in charge of what I'm thinking. A lot of the time, I react to what's happening in front of me, or the thoughts that come into my mind and they are not always intentionally created! One of the affirmations Louise recommends in 'You Can Create an Exceptional Life' for driving is: "I am surrounded by good drivers and I send love into all the cars around me". My experience driving that day was very different to most days!

We can create positive thoughts and affirmations for any area of our lives. One of my favourites, when I am thinking fearful or negative thoughts is:

“Only good lies before me.”
When we love ourselves and feed our minds with loving, supporting thoughts, life works. We attract what we believe we deserve, so why not believe we deserve more? We need to become our own cheerleaders, encouraging and supporting ourselves in all areas of life.

I recommend reading both "You Can Heal Your Life" and "You Can Create an Exceptional Life" to learn more about loving yourself and creating an exceptional life.

Are you feeling stuck in your life or your business?

If you enjoyed this and are also interested in learning to love yourself or on working on another area of your life or business, then book your free consultation with me here at my coaching page.