Happy anniversary to my headache and me! We’ve been together for four years now. One of the interesting things about having a blog is that it makes you realize how much your perception of an event can change over time. You can read an entry from four years ago and not agree with anything you said. You can be happy and smiling next to someone in a photograph, and four years later drawing devil horns and a tail on that person’s image.

So it is with my headache, which I first mentioned in this entry on PastaQueen.com before going on to chatter about a pizza cutter shaped like a piranha and an ice cream scoop shaped like a whale. Oh, dear. What a clueless girl. If someone had pulled me aside and said, “Four years from now you will have received a Chinese translation of a book your wrote about the horrible years to come that will be illustrated to hilarious effect,” I would have been like, “What?” I can only imagine what bizarre stories the me from four years in the future could tell the present me.

Alas, all I can do is putter through, clueless and blinded to all the ways I will continue to change.

Whenever I receive a package I’m not expecting I assume it’s a bomb. Or anthrax. Or a pig’s heart. (You won’t think I’m so silly when I’m killed one day by an anthrax bomb hidden in a pig’s heart!) So when I opened the package that had been left under my welcome mat I was deliriously happy and surprised to discover that it was the Chinese version of my book, Chocolate & Vicodin. I started hollering, “Yes, yes, yes!” to myself so loudly that my downstairs neighbors must have thought I was getting some Valentine’s Day lovin’. Ever since the translation rights sold last year I’ve been curious to see what my book would look like printed in Chinese characters. How they would translate “Angerballz” in my acknowledgements section? I started to flip through the book to see, and that’s when I noticed it.

This book was illustrated!

The beginning of each chapter includes an image depicting the content of that chapter in hilarious, overly-literal fashion! The story of my life had been illustrated! I do believe this is THE MOST AWESOME THING EVER. The girl even sort of looks like me, if I were thinner, never changed my clothes, and had boobs. In chapter one above I’m chomping on pills that look like baguettes, one of which has blinded my left eye, while I’m either shaking my fist towards the sky or trying to knock myself out with an awkward right hook. This totally happened, I’m sure. I just don’t remember it because of all the pills I took.

I love that the doctor in this one is wearing one of those weird shiny, metal circle thingies like no doctor I have ever met. I will give the illustrator realism points for the MRI films in the background, though I can’t tell if they captured my venous angioma in proper detail.

Hey, it’s chocolate and Vicodin! Just like the title! This should have been the cover, right?

I want to send this to my old work friends and ask them which coworker they think they are in this illustration. I also love that the illustrator thought I brought an entire IV stand to work when I actually just had a lead inserted in my hand for treatment at home. I bet I would have gotten a lot more sympathy if I’d dragged the whole stand around! Good thinking!

I know I am totally twisted, but this illustration had me laughing forever. I don’t even know how to tie a noose!

This image gives me great faith in the quality of the translation for the rest of the book.

The acupuncture picture is tied for first as my favorite. I don’t know which part I love more, that I’m a porcupine or that my money is flying away on wings. Does this mean the value of the yuan is rising?

I should send this picture to my old chiropractor. I’m sure he’d love to have it framed for his office.

Evidently the road to my headache clinic wound through the mountains. And I drove there with with my head out the car window. On the wrong side of the car.

This image is the best actual depiction of what I went through. That look on my face? That was TOTALLY how I felt after a year of all these effing tests the told me nothing worthwhile.

It’s interesting that the massage therapist is depicted as being Chinese, whereas the acupuncturist was somewhat indistinct. It makes me wonder how they translated my thoughts on Eastern medicine, and what any Chinese readers will think of my views on Western and Eastern medicines. At least it looks like I’m having a good time!

Here is the other image that is tied as my favorite. I think I’ve found a new profile picture! I love the swirligig eyes!

I like how triumphant this picture is, but I’m probably running away because the clinic HAS AN ARM. Creepy!

So there you go! The story of my life in images. If the illustrator of this book ever stumbles upon this post, I want him or her to know that in all honesty I love, love, LOVE, these images. No sarcasm. I love it in the same way I love the opening of Katamari Damacy or the Mr. Sparkle commercial from The Simpsons. I love that there is some weird, alterna-world version of my book out there. I can tell that the illustrator really did read the book, or they at least received notes from someone who did. I’m particularly charmed that the girl looks sort of like me, so I’m guessing they had my author photo to work off of. If not, good guess you guys!

I had been having a rather crap day because my headache has been partying rather hard in anticipation of its four-year anniversary in two days, but as soon as I got this book I was instantly ecstatic. It made my day. My week. Hell, it made my month. It is truly one of the most awesome things I have ever received. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I’m not sure where in China this book will be available. I’d like to imagine it in bookstores or airports or little news stands. Maybe workers at Foxconn will read it in their barracks while they’re suffering from horrible headaches caused by those toxic chemicals they inhale so we can buy iPhones at affordable prices. I dunno.

I do know that I absolutely love this interpretation of my work. I love that you read it backwards, like a Japanese manga. I love that there’s a bizarre clip art image of an angry man on the cover trying to eat the title. I love that there is an ad for a book on how to pass the GMAT on the inner flap. I love it all.

Someone on Twitter suggested I have these images framed, and I am so down with that. I received six copies, so I can cut one up in the name of home decor. It looks like this might be the purchase page on the Chinese publisher’s web site if you’re dying to get a copy. I’m sure they’d be happy to watch your money fly toward them on wings.

I’m going to be in New York for several days near the end of February and the beginning of March, so I’m trying to figure out what to do while I’m there (other than sleep in someone else’s bed Goldilocks style and feed their cats while I’m at it). One of the best things about being a freelancer is that I can work from anywhere with a wi-fi connection, and I don’t need permission to take off, so I try to take advantage of that as much as possible. I got a round-trip flight from Raleigh-Durham to New York at only $130, all fees included. Combine that with a free place to stay and this might be my cheapest vacation ever. I’ll have to do work while I’m there to meet several deadlines, but I plan to make the most of my leisure time.

I like to plan, plan, plan, so I want to accumulate a list of ideas for how to spend my time. Give me some suggestions! I’ve been to New York a few times before. The first time was on a high-school band trip in which we hit the big tourist attractions like the Statue of Liberty and the Empire State Building. I went again with my mom after college as a graduation present. That time we saw a Broadway show and spotted a real celebrity, Tom Cavanagh. The last two times I went was in 2008 when I was doing book promotions, so I got to stay in a hotel for free and was driven to the airport in a shiny black car, but I was only in town for a day each time. I managed to see Chinatown, the banking district, Times Square, the Metropolitan Museum of Art, Ground Zero under construction, and a lot more of Central Park than I intended to when I got lost. I also ate at Jamba Juice and Tasti D-Lite.

So, what else should I see? I’ll probably try to make it to a Broadway show, and I’d like to see the Ground Zero memorial. Other than that, I haven’t done any research because I thought I’d let you do the research for me. Delegating! It’s awesome! Where should I go? What should I eat? Where is the best place to find free wi-fi? Thanks!

All photos in this post are by hubsterdisney from thisphotoset which is CC BY-NC 2.0

I feel like I left Indianapolis and they’re having a big party without me, probably because I left Indianapolis and they’re having a big party without me. Indianapolis is hosting of the 46th Super Bowl this week which means everyone gets a 20-foot tall lesson in Roman numerals.

Indy has been prepping for this event for years, and you could hardly go a month in that town without hearing something about it on the news. They expanded the convention center and even built a shiny new hotel. (Literally, very shiny.) But it wasn’t until I saw the photos and videos published this week that I started to comprehend that the Super Bowl isn’t just about dozens of hulky men running around a fake grass field. This is, like, a FESTIVAL.

I lived in Louisville, Kentucky for eight years, so I am no stranger to the Derby Festival that runs for two weeks, a somewhat absurd amount of time to spend revving up for an event that takes about two minutes to complete. But hey, they shoot tons of fireworks off the Ohio River and there’s a balloon race that’s usually cancelled for weather and even a half-marathon that detours onto the track at Churchill Downs, so a good time is had by all.

The Super Bowl is evidently the same sort of event, something that gives the city an excuse to PAH-TAY! They started closing downtown streets and setting things up over a week in advance of the game. There are too many concerts and live stages for me to count. They’ve installed tons of heat lamps on the street, which I wish they would keep up indefinitely. (After all, I am the woman who moved 600 miles away to escape the cold Indiana winter.) To add to the confusion, streets are now sporting new signs naming them after football teams.

There are 36 Indy racecars lined up on Meridian Street, each one skinned with the colors and logos of an NFL team. Around the corner from that Jimmy Fallon is filming his show live from Indy all week. I also learned the downtown Nordstrom’s had closed because they’re now using the space as a “Huddle” spot to warm up at if you’ve gotten cold wandering around the blocked off streets. Or you can get your blood flowing by jumping in a huge hamster wheel and attempting to run 100 yards for the win.

The biggest attraction appears to be the zip line they’ve set up on Capitol Avenue, a street that they’ve covered in Astroturf and renamed Touchdown Alley. Zip lines are the trendy new thing that have popped up in places like the Vancouver Olympics and in Las Vegas on Fremont Street.

I used to drive down Capitol Avenue every day on my way home from work, but never once did I think, “Geez, I really wish I could zip line home instead.” Obviously I wasn’t being creative enough in my mode of transportation. I bet it’s rather cold zipping across downtown like that, so I hope everyone is bundled up under their safety helmets. That is, if you can make it to the top of the stairway. View a video of an Indy Star reporter zipping down the line here.

Indy really is a nice town, and if it didn’t get so effing cold and grey in the winter I probably would have stayed there. The stadium and convention center and hotels are all close together downtown, so you can walk anywhere you need to go. Which is good because you won’t be driving. The traffic must be crazy right now, so I’m glad I don’t work downtown anymore. Under normal circumstances I would often got annoyed by single lane closures for construction, and there was that one time my route to the Tea Room was totally blocked by a gay pride parade. They’ve even blocked off several roads near my old apartment in Broad Ripple, which was already difficult to get to because of narrow roads and heavy pedestrian traffic. I guess that’s what happens when George Clinton & The P-Funk All-Stars perform at a stone’s throw away from the trail I used to run on.

Before I saw all these pictures of the festivities I was glad I wasn’t in Indy anymore because I wouldn’t have to deal with the traffic and a city so packed that people were renting out their houses to strangers for big profits. But now I have to admit I’m a bit bummed that I don’t have a chance to see all the crazy up close and personal. It’s made me think that I make far too many decisions in my life based on traffic. Perhaps it is worth idling in a car for an hour to experience certain things. My hatred of gridlock is pretty strong though. Maybe I can start taking a zip line every where instead.

Disclosure: I received a free Zumba Fitness Total Body Transformation System DVD Set from Yahoo! Shine to complete this review.

Last year I said I’d try a Zumba class as part of a Commit to Fit challenge…and then I didn’t. It wasn’t because of fear of commitment; it was because I developed tendonitis. I’m surprised no one called me out on my failure to Zumba. Seriously, very surprised. I guess all the mean people forgot to read that entry.

My foot is finally better, so I decided to accept an opportunity to review the Zumba Fitness Total Body Transformation System DVD Set which is featured in this month’s Yahoo! Shine Get it Guide along with three other fitness DVDs. A new Get it Guide is published every two weeks and showcases “the things women are searching for and talking about.” The latest one is all about Fitness DVD’s. I chose to review the Zumba DVDs because Zumba’s got a reputation for being a fun aerobics class that is based on Latin dance moves.

I was expecting to get a DVD in the mail, like I’d subscribed to Netflix: PR Division, but instead I got a box that contained four DVDs, a guide booklet, and two maracas toning sticks. So, woah! I hadn’t even opened the DVDs and I was already in for more than I’d bargained for.

The Total-Body Transformation Guide
The package comes with a booklet that contains an overview of what Zumba is, a stretch guide, a weekly workout schedule, and a sample weekly menu with recipes for each day. I suppose that’s why this is a “Total Body Transformation System” and not just a fitness program. I know a lot of newbies prefer to be told what to eat and how to exercise each day, so I’m sure they’d appreciate that. The booklet contains a Spanish translation and all the DVDs have an optional Spanish audio track, which is a nice touch since Zumba is rooted in Latin dancing.

DVD 1: Zumba Fitness Basic and Zumba Fitness 20-Minute Express
I popped in the first DVD and started working through the Zumba Basics class. Then I took a break to roll up my carpet and reveal the hard wood floor because it was hard to swivel on the rug and I didn’t want to break an ankle. Then I looked at where the rug had been and took a sweeping break. (Has anyone created a Work Out While You Clean fitness program? If not, I totally call dibs.) After I put away my broom, I started working through the basics class again. And kept working. And worked some more, until I picked up the remote and hit the display button to discover the basics class is 60 minutes long! (Technically it was 58 minutes and 10 seconds, but close enough.)

The length of the basics class is a bit overwhelming. I don’t want to train for the Royal Ballet here, I just want to Zuuuuuuumba! Despite the length, I actually like the way the basics DVD breaks down each move in an EasyBeat 1-2-3 format. First the instructors do the move at full speed and make it look like something I could never do. Then they slow it down and simplify it for Easy Beat 1. Then they add some complexity in Easy Beat 2. Finally you’re doing the full move you never thought you could do at full speed in Easy Beat 3. I learned better this way because they didn’t just slow the moves down. I eased my way up from a simple version to a more complicated version. If you’ve ever played a video game, it was like playing the first part of the game that’s a training level. It helps you learn the controls until you feel comfortable enough to get into the real game play. The real game play was the other program on the first DVD. It’s called Fitness 20-Minute Express and it literally strings together all the moves in the basics class at full speed.

It’s interesting how the costuming and staging of a DVD gives you information on what the attitude of the program is. My Pilates DVDs have a calm vibe and are filmed in a quiet studio or a zen garden. The Zumba videos have a party atmosphere where people are clapping and happy and having fun. They even had live drummers. At first I thought some of the instructors were working out in cargo pants, but upon closer inspection I think they were just baggy workout pants.

DVD 2: Zumba Fitness Cardio Party
The second DVD contains a 50-minute program that focuses on cardio. I really liked the graphic overlay that appears at the beginning of each set telling you what moves you’ll be performing. This helped me prepare mentally for the routine instead of just jumping into a move with no prior warning.

The only thing that annoys me slightly (and this is true of most workout videos I’ve tried) is that instructors make everything look so damn easy. They flit and float and bounce around like they’re on a trampoline. I cannot bounce like that! I have more mass and it takes more time and more energy to move it. I also have bad knees, so I backed off on a few of the moves that included small jumps. And even though I pretty much despise my downstairs neighbors who fill my apartment with loud noises and gross smells, I still felt guilty for jumping around my living room when I knew they were home. I wish I were nastier!

Oh, and the other thing that annoys me slightly is this:

Why does this woman have only one pant leg rolled up? What is with that? I saw it once in the Vanessa Carlton video for White Houses and thought it might be a ballet-dancer thing. The asymmetry of it bugs me. I think I hate this fashion trend even more than I hate ponchos, and I really hate ponchos. (No offense, Latin America.)

DVD 3: Zumba Fitness Sculpt and Tone
The third DVD contains a program that helps you “shimmy and shake your way to super-sculpted shape.” This program uses the Toning Sticks which are one pound each, so I doubt they’re accomplishing much toning. The sticks have beads inside them, so when you shake them they sound like maracas. There’s an info sheet included that tells you only to use the Toning Sticks as intended, which I think was legal speak for “Don’t whack your brother in the head with these!” I also think it’s funny that there is a card filled with seven bullet points instructing me on how to take care of these things.

DVD 4: Zumba Fitness Live! & Flat Abs
The final DVD has two programs. The first is a live 55-minute workout in front of a big audience. I’m not sure how all those people could pack together so tightly and Zumba without someone losing an eye, but they did. This program includes the least amount of instruction, so you should really know the moves before grooving to it. The other program on the DVD is Zumba Fitness Flat Abs. It’s 20 minutes long and focuses on strengthening your core.

And that’s it! Overall Zumba looks like a pretty fun program. When I was learning my salsa steps and booty rolls I couldn’t help thinking this was as close as I’ll ever get to appearing on Dancing with the Stars. I imagined Bruno Tonioli yelling, “More hip action!” at me. I’ll be using the DVDs again, though if I do the sculpting program I’ll probably grab my own five, six, or seven pound weights to make it more challenging.

Giveaway
Ok! Now that you’ve made it to the end of the review, here’s your chance to win a copy of the Zumba Fitness Total Body Transformation System DVD Set which retails for $69.95. To enter, leave a comment on this entry with a creative use of the Toning Sticks. (Not that you would use the Toning Sticks in other exercise programs or for any other uses! No, no, no!) Giveaway ends at 11:59pm ET on Saturday, January 28th, 2012. Only United States residents eligible. Winner will be chosen randomly.

Prize includes: Four DVDs with workouts: Zumba Fitness Basics Workout, Zumba Fitness 20-Minute Express Workout, Zumba Fitness Sculpt & Tone Workout, Zumba Fitness Cardio Party Workout, Zumba Fitness Live! Workout, and Zumba Fitness Flat Abs Workout; two toning sticks.

About Zumba: Zumba Fitness® – Zumba Fitness is a Latin-inspired dance-fitness program that blends red-hot international music created by Grammy Award-winning producers featuring contagious steps to form a ’fitness-party.’ Since its inception in 2001, Zumba Fitness has grown to become the world’s largest and most successful dance-fitness program with more than 10 million people of all shapes, sizes, and ages taking weekly Zumba classes in over 90,000 locations across more than 110 countries.

I feel privileged to live in an era in which we have machines that fly. Every time I travel on an airplane I think about how jealous my ancestors would be that I can travel halfway across the country in the time it probably took Pheidippides to run the first marathon (and then fall over dead). I also think about how surprised my ancestors would be that we’re able to take something as amazing as manned air travel and view it as a total pain in the ass.

Granted, I am frequently one of those people, usually when I can’t find an outlet to charge my dying phone in the airport, or when the line to board the plane is at a standstill because someone is trying to cram their bag into a too-small overhead compartment. Just like anything miraculous, it becomes dull once it’s commonplace. I’m sure the people of the future will view their weekly business trips to the moon colonies with similar tedium.

All that said, I took five flights this year which is record for me. I know some of you take at least five flights a month and are not impressed. It was notable to me though, and here are some of the things I’ve notice about air travel and all its banal miraculousness in that time.

1. Always book early enough to get the direct flight
There is a direct Delta flight from Raleigh-Durham to Indianapolis, but I didn’t book it early enough for my Christmas trip home. It was full, so I had to take a connecting flight through Charlotte, NC on the way there and through Reagan National Airport on the way back. On the positive side, I flew in a larger jet for one leg of the trip which had more leg room than the regional jet on the direct flight. On the down side, the seatbelt was shorter and barely clicked which is probably one of the universe’s ways of telling me to lose the damn headache weight already. As nice as the plane was, we literally spent more time getting on and off of it than we did in the air which seems sort of ridiculous.

On the bright side, I was able to check in on Foursquare at two new airports which earned me the Jetsetter badge. Yay for accomplishments that don’t require you to actually accomplish anything!

2. Beware the Potbelly Sandwich Works at Gate 27 of Reagan National Airport. They’ll give you a $2.00 bill in change
If you’re not from the United States, you might think getting a two-dollar bill in change is no big deal. Wrong! Although it is legal tender, Americans don’t commonly use the two-dollar bill. Cash registers don’t have a partition for them, and if you hand it to a cashier they will probably give you a funny look as if to say, “Seriously? You’re giving me a two-dollar bill?” I wouldn’t be surprised if some people took it for counterfeit.

The two-dollar bill has Thomas Jefferson on it, so the only other time I’ve gotten one in change is when I visited Monticello, his estate. I can only guess that Potbelly gave me one because I was in Washington DC and they like to get all patriotically weird with their currency. I had to make a connecting flight, so I didn’t notice they’d slipped me one until I’d arrived home. I didn’t want to force this weird currency onto my barista for fear of forever being marked as that-customer-who-gave-us-a-god-damned-two-dollar-bill. So I deposited it at the bank along with a few checks, and thankfully the teller didn’t give me any shit about it.

3. Fly US Airways through Reagan National and you’ll take two buses, two flights of stairs, and an escalator just to get to your connecting gate.
After Potbelly slipped me that two-dollar bill, I headed for the gate of my connecting flight. I’d reviewed the terminal map printed in the flight magazine of my first flight and knew exactly how to get there, because I’m over-prepared like that.

Well, that was until I hit a security blockade on my way out of terminal. See the little red dots in the map above? Yeah, those represent TSA checkpoints. I think they would be better represented by fat red dotted lines or huge skulls and crossbones, but I’m not the map maker.

I asked a TSA agent how I should get to my gate and he pointed me to the line for the shuttle bus which was not prominently marked in any way. I had strolled right by it without noticing what it was. I then had to wait in line for 10-15 minutes until I got on the second bus which I got to by hauling my suitcase down a flight of stairs. I don’t know what disabled people do. Anyway, the bus drove across the tarmac to the other gate and I got off and hauled my suitcase up another flight of stairs. I found my gate and then I had to go down an escalator to get in line to get on another bus. This one drove us away from the terminal to a spot on the tarmac where several regional jets were sitting. We got off and had to walk up the stairs directly onto the plane like this was the fifty’s or something. By the time I reached my seat I felt like I’d wandered the desert for 40 years looking for the promised land.

So, like I said in item number one above, get the direct flight! There was absolutely nothing direct about my trip.

4. Leaving your cell phone on will not, in fact, cause the plane to crash
All this nonsense with the bus, stairs, and escalator must have fired up my rebellious side because I decided to leave my cell phone on during the flight home. I am reckless and love to play fast and loose with other people’s lives like that. The plane did not crash. You’re all shocked, I’m sure. On a previous flight I started listening to my MP3 player after we’d been waiting ten minutes on the tarmac in line to takeoff. Again, I lived to type this blog entry about it.

5. I sort of hate people who walk through the airport looking perfectly coiffed
Whenever I see someone strolling through the airport with perfectly pressed pants, cute high-heeled boots, and not a hair out of place on their head, I want to walk up to them and ask, “How do you do it? How? How?!” I can’t manage to look that good in my daily life, which does not involve joyrides around the tarmac. How can they do it when they’ve gotten out of bed at 4am to catch a flight where they’re crammed next to strangers who may or may not have BO? If I knew their secrets I think I’d be much more successful in life in general.

6. I have no idea what to do with my frequent flyer miles
I’ve signed up for each frequent flyer plan offered by each airline I’ve flown, but I have no idea what to do with them. Can I transfer them all to one airline? Can I hand my info to someone and have them figure it all out for me? I feel like I flew enough last year that I should have earned a small trip somewhere, but I lack the knowledge or motivation to figure this crap out.

It’s come to my attention that I know way too much about drugs even if I don’t know what pot smells like.

I’ve been wondering what pot smells like because I think my downstairs neighbors might be smoking it. Sadly all I get is the stink, not the high. This smell has been invading my apartment at least once a week lately. At first I thought they were cooking something gross, but then I remembered that my next-door neighbor saw them smoking pot on the porch once. I asked Twitter what pot smells like, but that didn’t help much. Talking about the smell of pot is like dancing about architecture. Do you think the cops would rent me a pot-sniffing dog? I’ll pet it and call it pretty.

Despite the fact that I cannot identify the smell of marijuana, I know a lot about prescription drugs and I’ve had ample opportunities to show off this week. First, my Lil’ Brother tripped on a curb and had to get eight stitches in his head. It happened right after he’d won a free iPad, so I think this was Nature seeking a balance. He called me from the pharmacy and I started quizzing him about what meds they’d prescribed. I told him what each letter in the acronym NSAID means and ran through the names of some of the common ones and then he faked having a concussion so he could get off the phone with me.

The next day, a friend of mine blogged about how she was going off of Effexor and how it was one of the most awful experiences of her life. This is when I took the opportunity to tell her that most anti-depressants are SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors), which means they only target one neurotransmitter, serotonin. However, Effexor is an SNRI (serotonin–norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor) which means it targets two neurotransmitters, serotonin and norepinephrine. Unfortunately for my friend’s brain, the half-life of Effexor’s effect on each neurotransmitter is different. So, when you go off of it you’re feeling the effects faster in regards to one neurotransmitter than the other. That’s why it gives you brain zaps and makes you curse the doctor who ever prescribed it to you.

The day after that, another friend tweeted this about the painkiller Lortab that he’d just been prescribed:

“What’s not to love about acetaminophen & hydrocodone in one convenient pill?”

To which I replied:

Hydrocodone alone has no maximum dosage, but acetaminophen does, so they add it to limit your intake. That’s what not to love :)

Because I don’t care if a question is hypothetical if it provides me an opening to talk about the hepatotoxicity of paracetamol.

That is when I finally noticed that I know far, far more about prescription medications than someone without a doctorate should. It is one of the earned skills of the chronically ill. We spend a lot of time reading about drugs on the Internet. I didn’t realize how much I’d learned until this week. (For those just joining us, I’ve had a headache that doesn’t go away for four years.) Of course, because I learned most of this stuff on Wikipedia or Crazy Meds, some of what I know is bound to be inaccurate or misinterpreted. I just don’t know what parts.

Regardless, I’d really like to know what pot smells like.

I am now a plant person, not by desire but because of my downstairs neighbors and Twitter. My neighbors because they smoke, smoke rises, and flipping the building upside down is not a feasible solution (and would make it really hard to shower). Twitter because @idontlooksick told me plants remove toxins from the air. The funny thing is I Googled “air purifiers” when these people moved in and didn’t get any results regarding plants. Mother Nature really needs to work on her search engine optimization.

Anyone who says that I should have first done radical things like complain to the condo association, seal any cracks in my walls or baseboards, or, God forbid, talk directly to my neighbors about the problem, please know that I have considered those things and done some of them. Also know that I will never, ever solve a problem when I can work around it. It’s a Fulda thing. We avoid conflict at all costs. My Dad once told us he was going on a business trip out of state and then never came back because he didn’t want to sit down and tell my Mom he wanted a divorce. See what I’m working against here? Fulda’s don’t fight. We evade! We seethe silently! We buy lots of plants!

This article on How to Purify the Air Using Plants gave me a list of the best ones to pick. I cross-referenced this with the ASPCA list of Toxic and Non-Toxic Plants to be sure air purification did not lead to cat vomit. Then I headed to Lowe’s and spent a lot of time bending over reading tags stuck in potting soil. A piece of advice: if you’re going to buy big, tall plants, put them in your cart at the end of your shopping trip. Otherwise it makes it really hard to see where you’re going. I felt like I was driving the rain forest around the store, minus the monkeys. I didn’t run anyone down, but if I had they would have identified their assailant as a rogue Majesty Palm, not a 30-something white girl.

I now have two majesty palms, a fern, and a spider plant. I will try to keep them alive, but I make no guarantees. I’m going by what the little white tags say, but I don’t have any idea if the “High Light” plant is getting enough rays or if the plant labeled “Tolerant” will be harder to kill then the “Delicate” one. I don’t know if I want to take advice from the same tag that encourages me to “Collect all 400 of our plant varieties from around the globe.” Seriously? Where am I going to put 400 plants? Do you know what that’d do to my water bill? I bet my air would be really pure though.

That reminds me that I do feel a bit guilty for buying these plants. I am essentially using them as a biomass shield, hoping they’ll suck up the nasty carcinogens instead of me. All I can say is better them than me.

I probably shouldn’t anthropomorphize the plants by painting eyes and mouths on the pots, should I?

(OMG, I spelled “anthropomorphize” correctly before spell check! This is my biggest achievement of the year.)

The death pool is now open if you want to take wagers on when I kill each of these or when Java Bean knocks a pot off the window sill. He’s gone 195 days without breaking a glass. I know his paws must be itching.

Disclosure: I received free samples of FiberPlus products and a $100 American Express gift card to write this post.

I don’t do many giveaways here on JenFul, but I make exceptions for products I actually use and think my readers might like. FiberPlus contacted me recently to see if I was interested in their Plus Up Your Day promotion, so I said yes because I sometimes buy their FiberPlus bars when I’m traveling by plane. I like to cram cereal bars in my suitcase because they’re small, they don’t go bad, and they’re unlikely to trigger a security pat down. Unlike an apple or a pear I don’t have to find a trash can to throw the core out. I can just cram the leftover wrapper in my pocket. Fiber is supposed to fill you up which is good on a long plane trip with only peanuts and Biscoff cookies to sustain you courtesy of Delta airlines. And because they are high in fiber I have incentive not to eat ALL five bars before takeoff unless I want to be really unpopular with my seatmate. (Toot!) Engage in portion control or experience social embarrassment!

Anyway, they sent me samples of all four flavors of their bars (Caramel Coconut Fudge, Chocolate Chip, Dark Chocolate Almond, and Chocolatey Peanut Butter) and two of their cereals (Caramel Pecan Crunch and Berry Yogurt Crunch). I slowly ate my way through all the cereal bars, typically using them as a dessert option because they contain chocolate. Mmmmm, chocolate. I think the Dark Chocolate Almond was my favorite. The cereal was good too, particularly when I used milk that had NOT gone bad on them. (So totally not a joke!) I did feel a bit guilty eating all of this stuff because I’ve been promising certain people I would try a gluten-free diet soon, but damn I do love my gluten. Gluten and chocolate. Chocolate and gluten. And fiber!

The theme of this giveaway is to Plus Up your day, so I was given a $100 gift card to do that. No, I did not buy $100 worth of cereal. I actually put the money toward Christmas presents because the only thing better than plus-ing up your own day is plus-ing up the days of your friends and family. I can’t post about everything I got because that would spoil it for family and friends who read this blog. (I have family and friends reading this blog, right? Right?) I will say I spent half of the gift card buying other gift cards, which seems rather circular now that I think about it. Here’s an image of two of the wrapped presents.

Pretty! I bought the wrapping paper with the gift card as well at Michael’s. (Have you ever been to Michael’s in December? It’s like Christmas barfed over half the store.)

Now you too get a chance to plus up your day anyway you chose with a $100 American Express gift card. To enter the contest leave an entry on this post telling me how you’d plus up your day if you win. Contest starts now (Monday, December 19th, 2011) and ends at 11:59pm ET on Saturday, December 24, 2011. US residents only.  Official rules are available in PDF format here.