Jenna Marie Carey

And there ain't nothing you can do about it.

2016-12-12T15:08:00.000-06:00

Water

2016-11-15T16:22:00.000-06:00

EXT. PARKING LOT - DUSK

A trailer truck sits in an empty parking lot. A police officer approaches. She walks to the driver side cab and climbs the step to peer in. She checks the handle and the door is unlocked. She speaks into her walkie.

OFFICER
Truck appears to be empty and is unlocked. Going to check the interior cab.

The officer opens the driver side door. As she looks around she leans her hand on the driver's seat and water squishes out. The officer quickly retracts her hand. Water lightly drips from the ceiling of the truck cab. She gets out of the truck and closes the door. She walks to the back of the truck. Water leaks from the corners of the back doors. The officer opens the back doors of the truck and is confronted by a wall of water that reaches the top of the truck. It doesn't spill out. The water retains it's shape as if the doors hadn't been opened. The officer stands still in confusion. She reaches her hand to the water and touches it. She grows braver until she eventually crawls through the wall of water into the truck and is submerged.

INT. TRUCK LAKE

The officer swims in the dark water. She turns on her flashlight. The beam of light illuminates an underwater world full of fish, plants and rocks. As she continues to swim she sees an old man in the distance. He lays motionless on the truck lake floor. She swims hard but the current picks up and she's out of breath.

INT. BATHROOM

The officer swims up for air and emerges in a strangers bathtub, gasping, still in uniform. She tries to dive back down but it's still the bathtub. She hits her fists against the bottom of the tub but nothing changes. She gives up and gets out of the tub. Soaking wet she walks downstairs.

INT. KITCHEN

The officer walks past a family eating dinner.

OFFICER
Evening.

The family watches as the officer leaves the house.

EXT. HOUSE

The officer looks around to get her bearings. She spots her car and the parking lot about a block away. She runs back that direction.

EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT

The officer gets back to the parking lot and the truck is gone. The only sign it was there are a few puddles of water.

She heads to her car and sees the old man sitting in the back, wrapped in a blanket. She runs to the door and opens it. Her car is half filled with water and it's rising. The water never spills out of the car.

OLD MAN
Hey! Get in. I want to show you something.

OFFICER
How did you get in here?

The Old Man looks at her with a big smile.

OLD MAN
Magic! Just fucking with you. The door was open. C'mon.

The officer nods her head and closes the car door. She sits in the back with the old man. He holds her hand. They both take a deep breath as the water rises over their heads.

BLACK OUT

PHONE SEX LINE TRAINING VIDEO

2014-07-10T16:16:00.001-05:00

INT. 1980’S OFFICE - NIGHT

CHARONE sits in front of a desk.

CHARONE
Hi, my name’s...

Charone spins around one rotation in the chair.

CHARONE
...Charone. Welcome to the Transcorp phone sex line training video. If you are watching this you probably have expressed a desire to enter the lucrative world of 1 800 numbers. All people love sex, especially over the phone. Transcorp is here to help you run the best sex line ever in just a few simple steps.

Charone picks up the receiver of a rotary phone.

CHARONE
Oooh. Sex. Yeah.

Charone hangs up the phone.

CHARONE
I know! I make it seem easy! But it is tough work sending sex sounds through a telephone. You might think the first step is just sounding sexy but slow down! That’s way too advanced! Jeeze!

Charone calms herself down and picks up the entire phone.

CHARONE
First, make sure you have a phone and are absolutely certain it’s a real phone. If it is real it will probably be plastic. If it is not real, like a toy phone - guess what? It will still be plastic, so be careful! Phones can be tricky. Second, some phones are used for sex and some phones are not used for sex. I know! Confusing! The type of phone you use for sex is totally up to you. I don’t care stop asking! Again, just be sure it’s a real phone and not a toy phone. Once I had an hour long conversation with a client only to find out it was a Teddy Ruxpin! He was a great story teller and it was still very sexy, but it’s something to be aware of.

Charone picks up the receiver of the phone.

CHARONE
Now that you have a real phone only pick up the part that you want to speak sex into, which we call the speaky part. I have heard some people call it a receiver but, um okay?! Ha ha. Makes no sense.

Charone keeps laughing for a few seconds too long.

CHARONE
Now, if you are holding the entire phone and the call turns out to be very good and sexy then your arm will get tired. You might even be tempted to stop the call. Oh no because that means less phone sex! This is bad and pretty much the opposite goal of phone sex. More phone sex means more money. Money is awesome!

Charone starts twirling around.

CHARONE
I have great news! I’m wet! Oh, and also, we’re closer to having real phone sex!

Charone gets tangled in the phone cord.

CHARONE
Shoot! The phone cord has finally captured me. You know phone cords can be dangerous! I used to think they only existed to twirl my finger around them when I was bored but they also carry things inside of them. Kind of like a uterus but with more metal.

Charone stares off momentarily.

CHARONE
Imagine if phones didn’t have cords? That would be so crazy. Just thinking about it scares me. I don’t like this feeling!

Charone quickly untangles herself from the cord.

CHARONE
Now that we’re untangled, all we have to do is wait for the phone to ring. While we’re waiting let’s make sure no one else is using the phone line.

Charone picks up the phone.

CHARONE
Hello? All clear.

Charone hangs up the phone. She picks up the phone again.

CHARONE
Hello? Still clear.

Charone hangs up the phone. She picks up the phone again.

CHARONE
Dad? I mean, hello?

Charone hangs up the phone.

CHARONE
The line is clear! We’re finally ready to make as much phone sex as our mouths can muster.

Charone hangs up the phone.

CHARONE
I hope this training video helps you have lots of lucrative phone sex. Also I just realized Charone rhymes with phone. Awesome.

BLACK OUT

Beneath The Briefs - Episode #7 - Hot Dead Friend

2014-03-06T11:57:00.002-06:00

BENEATH THE BRIEFS

Jenna Marie Carey

"Episode #7 - My Hot Dead Friend"

INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY

Hulk and Brooke are sitting at a table drinking coffee. Hulk is visibly upset and quietly sobs into his coffee. Brooke consoles him while eating a bagel.

BROOKE

Stop crying dad. You're never going to get another girlfriend looking so gross and weak.

HULK HOGAN

I just thought she was my soul mate Brooke. My soul has lost it's best friend slash sex partner.

Brooke stares off deep in thought while eating a huge chocolate chip muffin.

BROOKE

Wait! Actually I have a friend who recently became single.

HULK HOGAN

Really?

Brooke sips a hot chocolate with whipped cream on it.

BROOKE

Yeah, you both have the same tan level and mustache colors.

HULK HOGAN

Oh my God she sounds amazing.

Brooke is eating from a plate of french fries.

BROOKE

She is! She has her own body! And it's thick in the good spots and thin in the bad spots.

HULK HOGAN

She sounds like my dream girl. I'm dying to meet her.

BROOKE

Dying...oh yeah! She died. That's why I never introduced you guys. You know I totally forgot about that. It's too bad she was probably perfect for you.

Brooke eats Hulk's croissant.

HULK HOGAN

You forgot she died?

BROOKE

Yeah sorry. Man this croissant is awesome.

HULK HOGAN

That croissant was the only thing I had to look forward to today.

BLACK OUT

Beneath The Briefs - Episode #6 - Bad Religion

2014-02-21T15:53:00.003-06:00

BENEATH THE BRIEFS

Jenna Marie Carey

"Episode #6 - Bad Religion"

EXT. RIVER - DAWN

Hulk stands on the bank of a river. He is wearing a white wife beater, khaki spandex shorts, white high top sneakers and a white bandanna. On his right is a PRIEST and on his left is the Priest's WIFE.

HULK HOGAN

I just want to say I think The God is a really cool dude and I'm ready to wear boring neutrals for the rest of my life if that means we'll be tight bros forever.

FILM MAKER (OS)

Terry, exactly what Christian sect are you being baptized into?

HULK HOGAN

The one that gives out free pamphlets on the A train. So, The Pamphletnites I guess?

FILM MAKER (OS)

Don't you think you should learn more about this religion before making such a major life decision?

HULK HOGAN

Once I had an elective surgery to remove part of my earlobe because a talking dream dog told me to. This is the only thing I've ever done that a dream dog didn't tell me to do.

WIFE

Terry, are you ready to accept Jesus Christ into your heart?

HULK HOGAN

Sorry Misses The God, I don't mean to make you sound dumb but there's no way The Jesus will fit inside my heart. My heart's really tiny and he's a regular size. Even if he did fit in there, what if he got a boner in my heart? Would his boner poke a hole in there? I just don't want to die of a boner through my heart again.

FILM MAKER (OS)

What do you mean again?

HULK HOGAN

You know, that saying "dying of a boner though my heart" when someone breaks up with you.

FILM MAKER (OS)

Some days I can't believe how long you've been able to live.

HULK HOGAN

What can I say, The God is in love with me.

PRIEST

Shall we begin my son?

Hulk is guided into the river by the Priest and Wife.

HULK HOGAN

Whoah water is really wet.

Hulk is ignored and they keeping wading into the river.

HULK HOGAN

I don't want to be graphic, but I need to be honest in this moment and the cold water is making my man penis shrivel inside of me and I don't know if I like who I am as a person right now.

The Priest and Wife both give Hulk an annoyed look. The Wife squeezes his arm even tighter.

HULK HOGAN

Ow. Ow. Excuse me, Misses The God and Mister The God, but you're hurting me. My arms have been really sensitive ever since I let a feral snake bite me for fun.

Hulk is roughly placed onto his knees and he's about waist deep in the water.

HULK HOGAN

Okay I have to make a confession. When I was ten I was drinking water like a dog out of a puddle and I drank too much and passed out into the puddle and almost drowned and I haven't been near water since.

FILM MAKER (OS)

Are you saying you haven't showered since you were ten?

HULK HOGAN

I don't know, does getting spit on by homeless people count?

FILM MAKER (OS)

No.

HULK HOGAN

Then yes. Shower free since '63!

FILM MAKER (OS)

What do you drink instead of water?

HULK HOGAN

Burger juice.

PRIEST

Can we please move on?

The Priest guides Hulk's body backwards and submerges him in the water. Hulk immediately becomes panicked and starts gulping water and thrashing around.

WIFE

What's happening? I'm not even holding him down.

PRIEST

I'm not sure.

The Priest and Wife take their hands away from Hulk and he continues to thrash around until he suddenly stops moving. The Priest and Wife pull Hulk out of the water and he's unconscious.

WIFE

He doesn't appear to be moving anymore.

PRIEST

Oh dear God what have we done?

The Priest and Wife drag Hulk's body to the edge of the river. They look at each other for a moment and both run away at the same time.

LATER...

Hulk has dried off and tanned after laying on the river bank for several hours. A metal cross from his necklace rests on his cheek. When Hulk awakes the cross moves to reveal a cross shaped tan on his cheek. Hulk sits up, still disoriented.

HULK HOGAN

Is this heaven? It kind of looks like a non-heaven.

FILM MAKER (OS)

No this isn't heaven. You passed out while getting baptized.

HULK HOGAN

Are you The God? Your face looks like a camera.

FILM MAKER (OS)

It's not my face, it's a camera.

HULK HOGAN

I accept you and your terrifying future face The God, because we're the tightest bros now and forever and always.

FILM MAKER (OS)

Terry, I'm not The God.

HULK HOGAN

Fine The God, just say what you really mean and break up with me. This isn't the first time I'd be "dying of a boner though my heart".

Hulk takes off the cross necklace and throws it into the river.

HULK HOGAN

Ugh, religion is so gay!

Hulk runs away crying.

BLACK OUT

Beneath The Briefs - Episode #5 - Nature

2014-02-05T13:54:00.003-06:00

BENEATH THE BRIEFS

Jenna Marie Carey

"Episode #5 - Nature"

EXT. WOODS. DAY

Hulk Hogan and the Film Maker are walking on a foot path in the woods.

HULK HOGAN

It'd be cool to walk out here naked.

FILM MAKER

I guess so.

HULK HOGAN

Just, like, totally vibing with nature and stuff.

FILM MAKER

This is a public park, so it's probably not a good idea...

Hulk is naked.

HULK HOGAN

Too late!

Hulk, nude, runs ahead.

HULK HOGAN

Freedom!

Out of nowhere a BigFoot like creature appears. It tackles Hulk and then attacks the Film Maker.

LATER THAT DAY

Hulk is nude and covered in shit. CLOSE UP on his face as he wakes up. He sees the Film Maker is passed out and rushes over to him.

HULK HOGAN

Camera Guy! Wake up. Why didn't I ever ask your name? This isn't fair to me!

Hulk grabs the camera and starts filming himself "Blair Witch" style.

HULK HOGAN

I'm lost in the woods. I don't know how long I've been here, it could be weeks for all I know. I was eaten and pooped out by a BigFoot. My best friend is completely dead. I'm all alone and it's getting cold here.

Hulk places the camera on a stump. He walks away and scratches his naked butt.

EXT. WOODS. DUSK

Hulk stands over the Film Maker who is laying in a freshly dug but shallow grave. He starts to cover him with dirt.

HULK HOGAN

Goodbye, whatever your name was.

EXT. WOODS. NIGHT

Hulk sits by a fire holding a photo of the Film Maker in a heart locket. In the photo you cannot see the Film Maker's face as he is holding a camera.

HULK HOGAN

I'll miss you little buddy.

LATER THAT NIGHT

Hulk is sleeping in the fetal position in a leaf pile. He hears a rustling sound and wakes up.

HULK HOGAN

(afraid)

Hello?

More noises, they get louder and closer sounding.

HULK HOGAN

Who's there? I don't want to have to hurt you!

Hulk stands up and starts throwing air kicks and punches. The Film Maker, covered in dirt, walks up to Hulk and smacks him the face.

FILM MAKER

You buried me alive you moron.

Hulk gives a girlish scream. Then he realizes it's the Film Maker.

HULK HOGAN

You're alive!

FILM MAKER

I told you I wasn't dead.

INSERT FLASHBACK

EXT. WOODS. DUSK

Hulk is crying and dragging the Film Maker towards his grave. The Film Maker starts to wake up.

FILM MAKER

Hey, what are you doing?

HULK HOGAN

I have to bury your dead body.

FILM MAKER

I'm not dead Terry.

HULK HOGAN

I know this must be hard Camera Man, but I watched you die. I have to do the right thing and put you to rest. I wish I could have known your real name.

FILM MAKER

It's Jasper.

As Hulk drags him the Film Maker hits his head on a rock and passes out again.

HULK HOGAN

Go to sleep now Camera Man.

END FLASHBACK

EXT. WOODS. NIGHT

Hulk hugs the Film Maker.

HULK HOGAN

Jasper, that's right you told me that before. Well, glad to have you back Camera Man.

FILM MAKER

Why do you smell like shit?

HULK HOGAN

Oh, I'm covered in shit.

BLACK OUT

Beneath The Briefs - Episode #4 - Essencing

2013-12-13T13:30:00.001-06:00

BENEATH THE BRIEFS

Jenna Marie Carey

"Episode #4 - Essencing"

INT. COFFEE HOUSE. NIGHT

A poet finishes her set and the patrons snap for her as she exits the stage. Hulk sits alone at a table for two snapping along with the crowd. He’s wearing his usual uniform with the addition of small circular glasses and a beret on top of his beanie. The show host snaps his way onto stage up to the microphone. He produces a piece of paper from his vest pocket.

HOST
Our next artist, or "career poet", is Terry. Everyone please welcome Terry.

Hulk calmly stands from his chair and makes his way onto the stage. He grabs the Host’s head with both hands and they touch foreheads for a moment. The Host pulls away and walks off stage.

HULK HOGAN
Is everyone ready to rumble... their souls?

Hulk pulls out a crumpled piece of paper from under his beret. He presses play on a cassette player and the sound of ocean waves softly emits from the speakers.

HULK HOGAN
L.I.N.D.A. You were a blonde and tan body full of sex passion. Boom! We made love on a yacht in the Pacific Ocean. Bam! My seed was inside of your womb. Birth! Tiny, baby, girl. I know you are me and I know I am you. More precious to me than a diamond encrusted Do Do Bird. Growing, growing, grown. My
baby is a woman now and now I am an old man. My face, tired. My hands, these hands, they held you until
your legs became strong, and then, then you were free. My, baby, girl. You ARE free.

Hulk stands on stage and the audience remains silent. A few start snapping and it gets louder with clapping and cheering. Hulk smiles with a tear in his eye.

INT. COFFEE HOUSE. NIGHT

Hulk is flirting with a gothic-hipster GIRL. The Girl is completely taken with Hulk.

GIRL
The way you moved your words with your mouth, it sent chills through my body. It was so honest, you know? And so sexy.

HULK HOGAN
Wow, thanks. I mean, it was coming straight from my heart and then filtered it through my brain. So that’s how I did it I guess.

GIRL
Yeah, so cool.

HULK HOGAN
Because, next to the heart, the brain is the body’s coolest organ and I trust it the most.

GIRL
Yeah, I never thought of it that way.

HULK HOGAN
To be honest I never thought of it that way either. That just came to me, like, right now.

GIRL
You’re a fucking genius.

HULK HOGAN
Cool.

INT. COFFEE HOUSE BATHROOM. NIGHT

Hulk is making out with the Girl in a bathroom stall. The Film Maker can be seen in the mirror reflection.

FILM MAKER
Maybe I should go?

HULK HOGAN
No! You need to see this if you want to capture my essence. I’m essencing right now!

FILM MAKER
I don’t think you know what essence means.

BLACK OUT

Beneath The Briefs - Episode #3 - Being A Dad

2013-11-21T12:59:00.003-06:00

BENEATH THE BRIEFS

Jenna Marie Carey

"Episode #3 - Being A Dad"

INT. STUDIO APARTMENT. DAY

Hulk is on his desktop computer which rests on his mattress. He pecks at the keyboard, one finger at a time. There's a knock at his door. BROOKE, Hulk's daughter, enters wearing a tight tube dress eating a hot dog.

HULK HOGAN

Hey Brooke.

BROOKE

Hey dad. I am starving.

Brooke starts eating a sandwich Hulk made for himself.

HULK HOGAN

That was my lunch.

BROOKE

Well you are getting a little round.

Hulk pokes at his stomach fat.

HULK HOGAN

I was just trying to make myself softer for hugs.

Brooke eats a fudge pop while sitting next to Hulk on his bed. Hulk is slumped over his keyboard.

HULK HOGAN

Can you help me send out this email? It's been stuck in the outbox all day.

CLOSE UP shot of a handwritten "email" taped to the computer monitor. Brooke pulls it off.

HULK HOGAN

Wizard! How did you do that?

Brooke puts the letter in an envelope.

BROOKE

I'll mail it for you when I leave.

HULK HOGAN

How?

BROOKE

There's an older metal computer near my house that I can stick paper emails into.

HULK HOGAN

I just don't understand technology. Hey maybe you can fix my phone?

Hulk pulls out a rock with an iPhone painted on it and hands it to Brooke. Brooke bites the rock iPhone.

BROOKE

Hmmm. I think it's a rock.

HULK HOGAN

No Brooke I think you mean "it rocks". I know iPhones are cool, but this doesn't "rock" at all right now.

FILM MAKER (OS)

So what's wrong with your iRock?

HULK HOGAN

I get incoming calls but I can't dial out.

FILM MAKER (OS)

How can you be getting incoming calls?! It's not a phone.

HULK HOGAN

I know! It's also a camera. Although that seems to be broken as well. Look at the photos it takes.

As Brooke eats a turkey leg Hulk shows her photos of himself in various paparazzi magazines.

HULK HOGAN

See, I don't remember taking these photos of myself. How did they get out of my phone onto glossy paper?

FILM MAKER (OS)

Where did you get the phone?

HULK HOGAN

Internet. I was in Chinatown and it was tangled in a net so I bought it.

FILM MAKER (OS)

That's not the internet. That just means it was in a net.

HULK HOGAN

That's exactly what I said.

FILM MAKER (OS)

How much did you pay?

HULK HOGAN

Forty dollars and I signed a piece of paper that waved any rights to my soul after I die.

FILM MAKER (OS)

You were scammed. You bought a rock with an iPhone painted onto it.

Hulk produces a calculator with IPAD written on it in sharpie.

HULK HOGAN

(sarcastic)

Oh, so you're saying that paying three rubies and a lock of my hair for an iPad was a scam as well?

FILM MAKER (OS)

Yes. That's a calculator. And where did you get rubies?

Hulk pecks away at the calculator. Brooke looks on curiously as she eats from a peanut butter jar.

BROOKE

What are you doing?

HULK HOGAN

I downloaded a game app where I type BOOBS, then erase it, then type in BOOBS again. I'm winning!

Brooke, mouth covered in chocolate, tries to turn on the tv with a cardboard remote.

BROOKE

Dad your tv isn't working.

HULK HOGAN

It's voice activated. Just tell it what you want to watch.

Hulk walks over to a cardboard tv hanging in front of the wall. He puts his head inside of it.

BROOKE

(to television)

TV: Please play Girls.

FILM MAKER (OS)

You can't both possibly be this dense.

Brooke, eating popcorn, is captivated by the tv. Hulk pops up in a wig and lipstick.

BROOKE

Shhhh. It's starting!

Hulk is talking to his rock iPhone.

HULK HOGAN

I can't be surrounded by your negativity while I'm trying to grow into a fully formed woman!

FILM MAKER (OS)

(to television)

TV: Turn off.

Hulk closes a mini curtain to make the "screen" turn black. Hulk walks out from behind.

BROOKE

Dad, you just missed the best episode of Girls!

FILM MAKER (OS)

You two deserve each other.

BLACK OUT

Beneath The Briefs - Episode #2 - Making Friends

2013-11-19T12:38:00.001-06:00

BENEATH THE BRIEFS

Jenna Marie Carey

"Episode #2 - Making Friends"

INT. THEATER. NIGHT

Hulk is watching a comedy show in a small black box theater. His loud chuckle and bright uniform stick out in a sea of black shirts and quiet laughter.

INT. THEATER LOBBY. NIGHT

Hulk stands near a group of the performers from earlier in the night and laughs intermittently while they chat. They all turn to look at him unsure of what he wants.

HULK HOGAN

Everyone here is so cool.

FILM MAKER (OS)

They don't seem very friendly.

EXT. THEATER. NIGHT

Hulk leans on the side of the theater near the door as performers exit the theater.

HULK HOGAN

Great job friends!

The performers give half smiles and walk away.

FILM MAKER (OS)

Maybe we should go home? No one is really talking to you.

Hulk walks alone up a hill away from the theater.

EXT. TRAIN STATION. NIGHT

Hulk stands alone crying at the entrance to the train. TONY, a performer from the theater, approaches like he's about to mug Hulk. Before he does Hulk turns around.

TONY

(caught off guard)

Uh, hey! You alright buddy?

HULK HOGAN

Yeah, just having a rough night I guess.

TONY

Okay just checking, I'll see you...

Hulk starts crying louder until it becomes unbearable.

TONY

(sigh)

Do you want to get a drink?

Hulk wipes away his tears.

HULK HOGAN

In a bar or at your house?

TONY

Bar.

HULK HOGAN

Not your house?

TONY

No.

HULK HOGAN

Yeah, I guess so.

FILM MAKER (OS)

(whispering)

That guy was definitely trying to mug you before you turned around. Let's get out of here.

HULK HOGAN

Don't ruin this. I think I have a really good shot at having a slumber party tonight.

Hulk squeals with delight at the thought.

Tony and Hulk walk up the hill together. Hulk repeatedly tries to grab Tony's hand and Tony swats it away each time.

INT. BAR. NIGHT

Hulk and Tony are seated at a bar.

HULK HOGAN

Raspberry lime rickey please.

The bartender delivers Hulk's drink, a pink beverage filled with fruit and a miniature umbrella. Hulk notices Tony looking at his beverage disapprovingly.

HULK HOGAN

I stopped drinking and started loving three people.

Hulk counts out on his fingers.

HULK HOGAN

Me, myself and... me.

TONY

And I?

HULK HOGAN

And you what? You're fruity Tony.

Hulk holds the mini umbrella from his drink over his head.

HULK HOGAN

It's raining TENS. Ha ha. Seriously, look at all the babes in here.

Hulk turns in his bar stool to face a girl standing with her boyfriend.

HULK HOGAN

Drop the dud and get with this sexy dude that's talking to you right now.

TONY

You mean stud?

HULK HOGAN

Whoah back off my man meat Tony.

Hulk turns back to the girl.

HULK HOGAN

Drop the zero and get with, me.

TONY

Hero. You're a "hero".

HULK HOGAN

I'm sorry Tony but I'm not gay for you. I'm gay for the ladies.

Hulk turns back towards the girl.

HULK HOGAN

Do you like majique?

Hulk pulls a bunny out of a hat and immediately gets swept up into an impressed crowd. Tony notices Hulk is distracted and steals his keys and wallet. Tony exits the bar.

LATER

Hulk walks back to the bar stool he was sitting at.

HULK HOGAN

Sorry, I got distracted - there were at least three to five nipples touching my back at all times over there. Not sure why it always felt like an odd number of nipples though. Never even. Not even once... Tony?

Hulk notices Tony and his items are missing.

HULK HOGAN

I guess the slumber party is canceled.

EXT. SIDEWALK. NIGHT

Hulk walks alone toward the train station.

FILM MAKER (OS)

Sorry Terry. Do you need to borrow some cash to get home?

HULK HOGAN

No I'm going to walk home.

FILM MAKER (OS)

You live in Harlem. That's at least eight miles from here.

Hulk starts pissing in a corner.

HULK HOGAN

Really? I could probably live here for a while.

Hulk lays in his piss corner.

FILM MAKER (OS)

You just laid down in your own piss.

HULK HOGAN

Hey, I don't tell you what to do in your house, do I?

FILM MAKER (OS)

This isn't your house.

HULK HOGAN

I revoke your invitation to my house.

FILM MAKER (OS)

That only works on vampires. In movies.

HULK HOGAN

Fine, you win vampire. Kiss my neck and be gone.

FILM MAKER (OS)

I'll see you tomorrow Terry.

HULK HOGAN

(falling asleep)

I touched three to five nipples tonight.

BLACK OUT

Beneath The Briefs - Episode #1 - Meeting Terry

2013-11-18T11:09:00.001-06:00

BENEATH THE BRIEFS

Jenna Marie Carey

"Episode #1 - Meeting Terry"

INT. STUDIO APARTMENT. DAY

Hulk Hogan is small and frail looking. He’s wearing his trademark wrestling outfit which is now too large and hangs loosely off his body. He’s carrying a cardboard box into an empty studio apartment.

HULK HOGAN
It’s a new pad for this dad!

Hulk throws down the box. Everything inside of it breaks.

HULK HOGAN
Dang.

INT. KITCHEN. NIGHT

Hulk tries to open a can of spaghetti-o’s with a can opener but fails repeatedly, eventually stabbing the can with a knife.

Hulk sits on the kitchen floor in front of a mangled can and a paper plate of spaghetti-o’s.

FILM MAKER (OS)
It’s your first night in your new apartment. How does it feel?

HULK HOGAN
I dunno, but it tastes like metal.

Hulk spits out pieces of the can.

INT. STUDIO APARTMENT. NIGHT

Hulk lays on a sleeping bag with his stuffed cat Murph. Murph is dressed like a wrestler.

HULK HOGAN
This is my tag team partner Murph.

Hulk fist bumps Murph.

HULK HOGAN
Cat by chance, friend by choice!

FILM MAKER (OS)
Terry, Murph is clearly stuffed.

HULK HOGAN
You know, you’re not that great yourself, camera man.

INT. STUDIO. DAY
Hulk is laying on a mattress.

HULK HOGAN
Welcome to my new office.

Hulk points to a desktop computer and monitor balancing on a pillow.

FILM MAKER (OS)
Your bed?

HULK HOGAN
Over here is my reading nook.

There’s a small stack of children’s books on another pillow.

HULK HOGAN
Oh, and this is my art gallery. Here’s my boy Nick and my girl Brooke.

FILM MAKER (OS)
Which is which?

Two hand drawn portraits of Brooke and Nick hang above the bed. Each portrait looks identical.

HULK HOGAN
Hmmm. I’m not sure.

Hulk scratches his head lost in thought.

HULK HOGAN
And of course, this is where the magic happens.

There’s a top hat and wand at the end of the bed. Hulk waves the wand over the hat and proudly pulls out a rabbit.

HULK HOGAN
I also hope to have sex here eventually.

EXT. TIMES SQUARE. DAY

Hulk attempts to talk to strangers on the street.

FILM MAKER (OS)
What are your plans for New York?

HULK HOGAN
Right now I’m just trying to make friends.

Hulk attempts to hug strangers as they push him away.

INT. TRAIN

Hulk is seated next to an old man. He tries to hold his hand and the man pulls away.

HULK HOGAN
Shhhhhhh.

Hulk quiets the man with a finger to his lips. The man looks horrified.

INT. TRAIN STATION PLATFORM

Hulk looks down at a rat on the tracks.

HULK HOGAN
Hey my name is Terry. Hello? No name, huh?! Well, you don’t have to be rude. I know we’re all busy here in New York.

Hulk throws down his business card onto the tracks.

HULK HOGAN
Listen, you still seem pretty cool to me. Let’s brunch soon.

INT. BODEGA. DAY
The Film Maker walks into the bodega looking around.

FILM MAKER (OS)
Terry? Are you in here?

Hulk is covered in empty chip bags and trash wrappers. He places his hand on the film maker’s shoulder and pulls him into a corner hugging him close.

HULK HOGAN
Be quiet.

FILM MAKER (OS)
Why?

HULK HOGAN
I was caught stealing a bunch of Slim Jims and they’re after me.

A bodega owner strolls by with a baseball bat.

FILM MAKER (OS)
How long have you been here?

HULK HOGAN
Since last night.

FILM MAKER (OS)
In the same spot?

HULK HOGAN
I’ve been using empty chip bags to defecate.

FILM MAKER (OS)
Gross. Let go of me.

EXT. CENTRAL PARK SHAKESPEARE GARDEN. DAY

Hulk is eating a small ice cream cone. He sits in the middle of a garden as a breeze blows his thin blonde hair behind him.

HULK HOGAN
I think I might grow up to be a poet.

FILM MAKER (OS)
You’re sixty years old.

HULK HOGAN
Years young dummy. You don’t get it, you’re just a camera.

FILM MAKER (OS)
What? There’s obviously a person behind this camera.

HULK HOGAN
Then why do you have to recharge every night?

FILM MAKER (OS)
You mean sleep?

HULK HOGAN
Huh. Sounds exactly like something a camera would say.

BLACK OUT

Sabrina The Teenage Witch Spec Script Preview

2013-11-11T19:53:00.002-06:00

SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH

"Wisdom Teeth"

Jenna Marie Carey

EXT. OUTER SPACE. NIGHT

Sabrina stands in front of a full length mirror. Four costume changes later she is dressed as a baguette.

SABRINA
Baguette - me not!

INT. KITCHEN. DAY

Hilda is eating ice cream at the breakfast table as Zelda reads a newspaper. Salem is sitting on the breakfast counter.

Sabrina walks into the kitchen wearing her school backpack and opens the door to leave.

ZELDA
Not so fast Sabrina - you know you aren't going to school today.

SABRINA
Oh, is it Saturday already? I didn't even notice. Well I guess I'll go see if Harvey and Jenny are up for some Foosball.

ZELDA
Don't play dumb, you know what today is. You must get your wisdom teeth removed before they erupt.

SABRINA
It can't be that bad.

SALEM
If you've never had four angry men living in your mouth, each smarter than the last, then you don't know how bad it can get.

ZELDA
Sabrina these aren't regular wisdom teeth. Once they erupt they tend to become very hostile.

HILDA
(mouth full of ice cream)
But after they're removed you get all the ice cream you want! I figured I'd start eating it now as an empathetic gesture.

SABRINA
(pointing to Hilda)
You spilled some of your gesture on your shirt.

HILDA
One-thousand years of living and I still haven't perfected eating. I guess I'll have to keep practicing.

SALEM
Yeesh. I can't believe you haven't heard of the Four Wise Men.

SABRINA
Four Wise Men? I thought they were just wisdom teeth.

ZELDA
They are - just, as a witch, they're magical, and men, and literally full of wisdom.

SABRINA
Okay, I didn't sign up to house men inside of my mouth.

HILDA
Oh, sometimes I wish I had kept my Four Wise Men. To have someone to talk to late at night. Eat dinner with. Laugh together...

ZELDA
Anyways, let's get a move on. We're already going to be late.

SALEM
Adios wisdom!

INT. OTHER REALM DENTIST OFFICE. DAY

Sabrina, Zelda and Hilda are sitting in a dentist office waiting area surrounded by witches, trolls and various other realm characters.

Dr Phil Sketch Show

2013-11-01T15:26:00.000-05:00

I really want to play Dr. Phil in a sketch show. Someone please help me write something better than this:

Dr. Phil: Behind the Doctorate

Int. Studio - Day

Lights come up on an empty stage. Dr. Phil walks out to an audience applause and intro music and stops at the center of the stage.

DR PHIL

Welcome to the Dr Phil Show, I'm Dr Phil. Today is a very special episode on a topic near and dear to my heart: me. That's right, I'll be doing a one on one interview with myself today.

Audience applauds.

DR PHIL

Now to get in the spirit of me we have Dr Phil masks for everyone in the audience. Take a look under your seats.

Pause for audience to put on masks.

DR PHIL

Isn't that fun. It's like I'm looking into a bald and beautiful mirror.

Dr Phil takes a seat.

DR PHIL

My first guest on the show tonight is going to be me. Let's take a look at the video.

Adult Braces

2012-09-12T09:20:00.001-05:00

I was genetically predisposed to have awful teeth. They were spaced, chipped and and handful appeared to be planning an escape. I was poor and envious of rich middle school girls who had braces (and zits and tiny boobs forming).

I thought, "Maybe I can fix my teeth on my own" like some sort of dental MacGyver. Armed with a nail file, three rubber bands and the determination equal to that of a preteen boy searching for his dad’s secret stash of Hustler, I jumped in file-first. It did not work. After failing to fix my teeth I attempted to hide them. Hiding them meant not smiling anymore. I looked miserable, but attractive enough.

In high school I discovered a scene in which I never needed to smile. In fact, it worked in my favor if I did not smile and instead looked stoic and/or bitter as needed. The scene was hardcore and I was its angry-faced ambassador. This worked well for a few years up until a guy accidentally (verdict still pending) elbowed my face and broke one of my ugly teeth. (This is the part where I put on a Morrissey record and cry myself to sleep).

Enough was enough. I decided at twenty-five years of age that I would do something instantly regrettable and purchase myself 18-22 months of unyielding pain. I would get adult braces. (This is the part where I admit I do not always possess foresight).

December 9^th, 2010 is a day I refer to as B-Day. The term is not short for birthday but is rather a take on D-Day, and instead of referencing the end of an international war, it defines the start of an internal one inside of my mouth.

I walked into a building adorned with a cartoon frog who defiantly revealed his metal smile. What an arrogant dickhead. Next, I paid a receptionist thousands of dollars and then took a seat. The twelve year-old girl sitting next to me was tall, pretty, and had nice teeth. At her age I looked like a balloon with a smiley face drawn on it.

Naturally, I died a little inside.

While waiting to be called in, I played and won a game of Tetris on my phone. Then I looked at the pretty girl and decided she would never be as good as I am at gaming and I felt infinitely better about myself and my status in the world. (This is the part where I acknowledge that I am an awful person).

My name was called. They called me Geena.

Dammit.

I walked in and laid my adult-sized body onto a child-sized red pleather dentist chair. If I was ever considered to be cool by anybody ever at all, that ended on B-Day.

My doctor and his assistants hovered over me and fiddled with my mouth for hours. Sometimes there were what seemed like dozens of fingers prodding my teeth, gums, and tongue. This may have been the sexiest thing that has ever happened to me.

After some metal pieces were glued and soldered onto my teeth, I looked into a mirror at my new self. It was like the unveiling of a modern-day Frankenstein. Part woman, part machine, part monster, but, really cute haircut (just give me that).

I walked out through the lobby and smiled at a baby who cried. (This is the part where I unabashedly go on a chocolate milkshake binge).

Did you know that you will lose weight after getting braces? And it won’t even matter to you anymore because your mouth feels and looks like an old hamburger? An old bloody hamburger. (This is the part where any boys previously reading have left and are now googling “Kate Upton NUDE”).

B-Day was sixteen months ago. I have two months left on my metal mouth lease. I am still unsure if this experience will be worth the result. This morning, I found a piece of broccoli from last night’s dinner in my back molar bracket.

Anyways, assuming I look like Michelle Williams after my braces come off*, just as my doctor promised, I will be satisfied. (This is the part where I say goodbye through my thick lisp but you cannot understand what I said and you just shake your head out of pity).

*My braces came off on September 5th and I still do not look like Michelle Williams. What a cruel world.

Baby Why Why Why

2012-04-18T13:59:00.000-05:00

Tight bleach tipped curls used to be the epitome of sexy. That shit was red hot. I was fourteen when ‘N Sync became the bad boys of young teen girl dreams. They dominated TRL. It was a fight to the top between them and the Backstreet Boys. I ask you now, just as I asked myself then, why was that such a thing? I want to know because there has been a resurgence of boy bands in the last year. Specifically, The Wanted and One Direction. Another pair of boy bands are born, but who gave birth to them and why do they live in my TV now?

I decided to do some "research". At least, this is what I told my boyfriend I was doing while watching a YouTube video of The Wanted. The boys seductively yell at girls that “They’re Glad They Came”. Did they mean orgasm? Because then I’d be like “Yeah cool me too” as I coyly sipped on a berry-lime wine cooler. I guess they were talking about “coming” to a party for overly bronzed teenagers and, I can only assume, one that ends with a guaranteed herpes contraction.

Are these boys teens or men? Their dark stubble reads men but their slim fingers say transgendered. Is this party at their parent's vacation house? I feel a tingling down there while watching the video. I quickly realize I spilled an off brand soda on my lap.

Finally, several girls awkwardly arch backwards over a jagged rock on the beach. That concludes my "research". Anyways, if I had to choose, I’d pick the ethnic one.

The boy bands of my generation knew how to make a god damn music video. I want enormous fans blowing wife beaters clear off their bodies! I want choreographed dancing in front of jumbo jets! I want the ethnic one to point towards ME repeatedly so I know that this song was written specifically for ME, Jenna Marie ~~Carey~~ Timberlake, and that Justin and I are going to get married soon! Aside: Is Justin the ethnic one?

I’m too old for this.

Shoulder Pads

2012-02-08T10:31:00.000-06:00

Comedy Art Show Preview

2011-05-28T12:19:00.001-05:00

A few weeks ago the talented Mr. Jonathan Hubbell put together a comedy/performance/art show at Austin Java. The art portion of the show will be on display through the month of August. Here's a teaser, more to come:

a rock in the sky

2011-05-12T01:01:00.000-05:00

If there was a room where the future was contained I would like to spend some time in it. Maybe it's vanity or my lack of trust in what will happen next. Like I dont have control of it. Maybe it's not predestined, but perhaps somebody in a tin foil covered room already knows.

Yesterday it had rained, something that hasn't happened in this city often as of late. The rain brought me back to a memory of my 20th birthday. I was with several close friends and we decided to see a movie after drinking cheap sangria in a warmly lit restaurant, a place nestled behind an alley smelling of hummus and sweat. It was a humid August night and we were all dressed in casual summer wear. It was effortless to dress our bodies for hot summer nights such as this one. After our movie ended and the lights flickered back on we stumbled out of the theatre. Darkness had descended but pushing it's cover aside was a torrential downpour. The rain was fat and wide not unlike thick blankets that shattered upon contact. Sometimes rain is inconvenient and more nuisance than not. On that night it felt like a welcome relief of unspoken tension. It was a release. I was more happy than ever. You can't hide from rain like that. It must be embraced, and my friends and I did just that. We ran and screamed through the streets. We were wild and animals and let instinct trump practicality. We moved as a herd, as one, and were untouchable.

I would very much like for this to be in my future room, if anyone with the key is listening.

sing song

2011-01-04T22:24:00.000-06:00

Greetings from my couch, under a blanket with holes chewed in it by my dog. Luxury! So, the holidays have come and gone, and I'm thankful for the latter happening. Not to be a grinch, but things haven't been the same since I learned the REAL truth about ol' sandy claws. The madness of the season is far too overwhelming. I prefer more laid back holidays such as President's Day. Those guys are super chill. Also, for some reason when I think of President's Day an image of Mount Rushmore pops into my head, like this holiday is actually in celebration of a rock rather than the people it's meant to represent. I guess it doesn't matter since no one celebrates it. If I don't get work off then it's not a real holiday. Truth.

Can someone tell me what are some easy, user friendly, most novice of all novice, made for slightly slow people songs I can learn on guitar? There's peer pressure to become a killer guitar slinger and the stakes are high. I need help (and a brain and hands that work together).

My parting words, shameless self promotion really, are to come and see my level 2 improv graduation recital. You might laugh, you might cry, you might feel nauseous - you are guaranteed to experience some sort of bodily function or feeling. This Saturday at 8pm at The New Movement!

metal from the waist down

2010-12-12T22:01:00.001-06:00

In the past few weeks I received a prescription for glasses and a mouth full of metal. The only things missing are orthopedic shoes and a greasy face covered in acne. Fear not, my nerd quota is more than filled by my senior citizen inspired style and awkward sense of humor.

Next weekend will mark the end of an era - I will attend my last level 2 improv class. This seems impossible. I'm still not funny, I think I'll demand a refund. On a positive note, Mark started level 1 improv today! My little guy is growing up so fast. His class is full of so many talented people, I felt intimidated, I felt like I needed to repeat my grade. Sometimes I feel like I forget what funny is. I can see it so clearly, but to create, oh why has it become so difficult?!

I'm boycotting my car in favor of my bike starting tomorrow. It's my new years resolution and I'm ringing her in early. Just call me an over achiever.

call me

2010-10-31T22:18:00.001-05:00

Ava the Songbird

2010-10-25T22:32:00.002-05:00

My friend, Miss Sarah "Ava" Arenella can belt it out with the best of them. I taught her everything I know - which was very little. I was honored to draw her menacing mug! Go check out her website and see her performing a sultry tune at some smoke filled jazz bar in Austin.

www.avaarenella.com

bored to death

2010-10-25T15:56:00.000-05:00

This past weekend I cut my hair, had dinner with friends, went to a stand-up comedy show, watched some of the friends I had dinner with run a 5k, attended my improv class and planted my fall garden. Phew.

Yet, come Monday morning I find myself incredibly bored. I don't like living for the weekend. Trading five days for two seems a bit disproportionate.

When I was a freshman in high school I was mainly friendless. My best friend from elementary school had moved on to bigger and better things (ie calling me a loser and getting herself pregnant) and my other friends from middle school began drinking and drugging. From a very young age I had developed a strong hatred for drugs and alcohol which stemmed from having an alcoholic and drug dependent mother. So I lost those friends as well. Since I had been raised by television, that is what I naturally fell back to during those lonely afternoons when school was out. I had sort of become obsessed with Saturday Night Live and Kids from the Hall. They played back to back for two hours on Comedy Central. I was pretty convinced I would be on SNL, even though I had never performed comedy and had an all consuming fear of public interactions. Thinking back, my interest beyond the comedy was to be able to be around funny and motivated people.

I haven't really revisited my dreams of being on SNL, even though it used make me really happy just to sneak in a daydream about stepping on that stage. My most recent improv class sort of rekindled the fire on those distant ideas of performing. It was week two of character play, something I've found to be extremely uncomfortable. Just the idea of being on stage, alone, and inventing ten characters in a row made me want to die inside a little. But, I did it, without dying or vomiting. And to my surprise, it was fucking exhilarating. It felt good to do something well and have fun. So now, high on one positive experience I've been reliving my SNL dreams. Lorne, call me.

shoop da troupe

2010-10-07T20:02:00.001-05:00

Hello my lovelies. I've missed you so. I've been busy with work, comedy and severe stabbing chest pains that remain a troubling, unsolved mystery. Perhaps these physical pain attacks are evolving from years of emotional distress. How apropos that would be, if true.

So, I performed for the first time in an improv piece de resistance. After the panic attacks were quieted (which I smothered with borrowed Xanax) I had a very pleasurable evening. I may even be joining a "troupe" (aka comedy gang). We need a name with appeal. Something that will speak to the masses, so they'll come and see us, make me famous and give me lots of money. This name holds extreme importance to my future and success. No pressure.

Possibles:
- Shoop da Troupe
- Funny Funny Bang Bang
- Troupe There it is
- Jenna Rules

I started reading this past month, something I've seemingly been unable to do for almost a year. I would read the fluff printed onto glossy magazine pages adorned by skinny airbrushed bitches, but nothing with substance. It was like everything I picked up was awful and unfit for finishing. I had seen a preview for the new movie "Never Let Me Go" and later read a review, which like most novel-turned-movie-reviews was not too favorable. I picked up the book and didn't want to ever let it go. When I reached the last few chapters, I took a few days off from reading because I knew how upset I would be when it was all over. This book was depressing, bleak and awkward. I loved it. I thought I was broken for a while. I grew up reading. "Goosebumps" were my jam during the elementary years. Sylvia Plath was my fave in high school and college was filled with Vonnegut. If I could be buried with books, that would be preferable.

the name's pleasure

2010-09-22T12:07:00.000-05:00

I started my caffeine addiction early.

modern guilt

2010-09-09T19:06:00.005-05:00

Miss you.