Thanks to everyone who has been a faithful reader. I really do appreciate all three of you. :)

Much love. jb

Not to sound too much like the slogan Kohl’s (“Expect Great Things”), but I want 2011 to be full of expectation. Expectations for myself, expectations for what may come, not giving up hope (in any situation), and looking forward to what God has in store for me.

I was having a difficult time coming up with this year’s motto, but I got the idea when I recently read Steve Harvey’s Straight Talk, No Chaser: How to Find, Keep, and Understand a Man, I knew that’s what I wanted for this year. First of all, Steve Harvey is a genius. The first book of his that I read Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man really helped me understand men and dating in a new way. Above that though (because I don’t want my motto to completely revolve around men and/or dating; if a man comes out of the deal, well, that would just be great), in his second book Straight Talk… he references Luke 12:48, “To whom much is given, much is required,” and urges his readers that “this needs to be your motto… you have to let him know that you have a lot to offer…” A word of advice that I need to be reminded of every day.

I don’t really know what 2011 has in store, but if I focus on hope and expecting a lot of myself (not giving up,not getting lazy, etc.), I feel like I will at least be able to expect great things. And hey, maybe I’ll have extra special luck when shopping at Kohl’s too.

Here are the lyrics, and if you want to hear the song/watch the video*, click here:

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep?
Six feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there’s still a chance for you
‘Cause there’s a spark in you?

You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

‘Cause baby, you’re a firework
Come on, show ’em what you’re worth
Make ’em go, oh
As you shoot across the sky

Baby, you’re a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make ’em go, oh
You’re gonna leave ’em falling down

You don’t have to feel like a waste of space
You’re original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you’re reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it’s time, you’ll know

You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

‘Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on, show ’em what you’re worth
Make ’em go, oh
As you shoot across the sky

Baby, you’re a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make ’em go, oh
You’re gonna leave ’em falling down

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It’s always been inside of you, you, you
And now it’s time to let it through

‘Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on, show ’em what you’re worth
Make ’em go, oh
As you shoot across the sky

Baby, you’re a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make ’em go, oh
You’re gonna leave ’em falling down

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

 

*Disclaimer: The video is kinda weird (i.e. fireworks shooting out of people’s chests), but it’s a clever concept.

All this reminds me of the theme song from my last trip to NYC to visit Lacey. (Not entirely appropriate, but man, it’s catchy.)

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
— Marianne Williamson

So… he didn’t propose to me, but I’ll take it. Ty Brown replyed to me on Twitter. It’s practically like we’re married. :) 

p.s. I fear that this will come across super stalkerish, so I just want to say, for the record: I really am a normal person. I promise.

p.p.s. The title of this post is in memory of one of my elementary/middle school musicals which [thankfully!] I was not in. I will never forget one of the songs had the lyrics: “Pop-pop-pop-popular, that’s what I want to be… now!” (followed of course by jazz hands!!!) Sad…

p.p.p.s. Go check out Ty Brown’s music… It’s rich, soothing, and a little twangy… I like it.

Maybe it’s turning 29 and doing a lot of introspection on the last year of my twenties, or maybe it’s just that time in my life that I’m finally trying to figure out who I am and who I want to be, but I’ve just been doing a lot of processing and maybe that’s why I haven’t been writing too much on JennaB4 [and after] lately, since my thoughts haven’t seemed to be super concise and I try not to throw too much jumbled stuff on here (I save that for the Jenna Daily, you’re welcome).  This post will probably seem super out of character for me. Most people assume I’m a happy-go-lucky, pretty easy going gal, which I’d like to think I am most of the time, but the last couple years have been, well, pretty crappy. I’ve been a sister of a very seriously struggling addict (who, praise the Lord is doing so well) and that’s been so so so hard for me and my family. If you are a loved one of an addict, you understand. If you’re not, well you just can’t understand (nor would I want you to). I’ve also been dealing with my own depression, what that means for my life, how to cope, etc. I was just reading Nic Sheff’s blog (author of Tweak, an amazingly scary and real depiction of his life in addiction) yesterday, I don’t even know how I stumbled up on it actually because he hasn’t updated in a couple years, but there was one entry that hit me and I just wanted to share it with you. It’s a good description of depression and how I’ve kind of been feeling (even moreso the last few days since my prescription ran out and I’ve been anxiously awaiting  the Dr.’s refill approval):

Psychiatrists always talk about people’s baselines. When you’re chemically depressed, your baseline is way lower than normal people. It’s like most people float on the surface—sometimes rising into the air and sometimes sinking down into the salt, thick, blinding water. Suffering from chemical depression is having to spend all yer goddamn energy just getting up to the surface. Fighting so hard just to achieve some semblance of normalcy. Getting on the right anti-depressants, for me, has totally helped raise my baseline. It’s not that I’m all high and euphoric—like being on ecstasy or something. I just don’t have to struggle so frantically to keep treading water. I actually enjoy things in my life. I feel excitement, wonder, hope, and temporary satisfaction.

On top of the depression thing, I’ve also figured out that I’m a highly sensitive person (HSP) which has been a huge relief, actually. Learning that I am an HSP has affirmed things about myself that I already knew but finally justified and redeemed them. For example, why I get so bugged at noises and why it was so difficult to share an office with someone and why I have such a hard time when people aren’t observant, etc. It was a revelation for me, and was SO freeing, I can’t even begin to tell you. Now, similar to depression, I just have to keep working on my cognitive behavioral therapy (basically, changing the way I think about things), and – most importantly – praying. As much as I’m trying to rid my vocabulary of the word “should,” I know I really should pray a lot more than I do. God can and will help me figure all this out way better than I ever could.

Romans 12:2 (NLT) says, Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” Amen!

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you’re good
And you can’t believe it’s not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let ’em fall down
There’s freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We’re here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you’re broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won’t disappear

So let it fall down
There’s freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We’re here now
We’re here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you’re broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don’t fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you’re broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark