Jenne like me? Not even close

My love for Muhney

2014-03-05T15:50:00.002-05:00

I am not a professional writer and I will never claim to be one, this is me telling you how I see it, my opinion at best.

It has been approximately 80 days since Michael Muhney informed the world that he was let go from The Young and the Restless, approximately 35 days since we have seen his powerful portrayal of Adam Newman, which means it has been about 80 days that Muhney fans or #TeamMuhney have been attacked and have been on the defence.
I have been called a pervert and a whore to say the least, a mother of 3 who battles Depression, Anxiety and has also overcome a powerful eating disorder, many others have faced these diseases and still struggle with them on a daily basis.
These attacks are to people you don't know, people that live similar or very different lives than you do, we are all human, we all make mistakes, it is whether you learn from those mistakes that separates yourself from the ones that don't. I have been angry and said some things, I have been sad and said some things, the truth is this is some sort of grieving process, we lost someone that we saw everyday, someone that came into our homes and let us escape our everyday problems, a moment in time you got to just let go and be a part of the Young and the Restless, 5 days a week, all year long for over 40 years.
During the past 6 years I have gone through a personal hell on earth, Michael was such an inspiration, what he did with his character changed daytime forever, like some of the other talent that has come and gone from our beloved show and many of the cast that are still there today. The gift of acting doesn't come easy to some but Michael proved he was given a special gift and he let us catch a glimpse! We are lucky to have witnessed all or most of it.
I know for me, this is a major part of why I stand behind him, I said it this morning, I stand with Michael because no one should stand alone. While your entire world unravels and people say things, hurtful words and spew venom, things that can damage everything you ever thought about yourself, to damage a reputation is one thing, but to damage who someone is on the inside is another. No one really knows the truth but the 2 people involved, no one else, whether you claim to or not, you don't know! You know what? I have a "source" but I don't even think my "source" really truly understands what happened, it is easy to say you know when the other person isn't there to defend themselves..trust me I know, I have been through a similar situation, the lies and rumours that follow when someone is let go is unimaginable. People who have claimed to be your family away from home, quickly change their tune, why? Because they want to keep their job and/or are easily influenced by others. Unless you work very close to someone on a daily basis, you really don't have much say in what really happened. We don't know the back stage politics but we have seen and heard that cliques are everywhere. One thing I do know is Michael wasn't there to defend himself.
Before you release your opinion into this world, remember who your audience is, expect that there will be backlash, expect opinions, love and hate. The thing is, I don't think us fans have gotten the same respect. A simple statement, a quiet cast or an understanding of the great loss we experienced when Michael was let go. Instead we saw a circus of fans against cast and cast against fans, a simple "I understand you are upset, we all are" would have been acceptable, the flames would have gone out. Then we saw that someone leaked a very personal story to a certain Gossip team. To stop the "attacks" against cast and show, we all thought long and hard after that "piece" was released. What it was meant to do, backfired, made those flames uncontrollable. People either a fan of Mr Muhney, a part of #TeamMuhney or a fan of YR had or has an opinion, that will never change, but to be harassed on a daily basis is gross at least. We need to respect the opinions of others and there is a healthy way to debate but from what I have seen, it is apparent that some won't back down.
All you can do is try to be a better you, try to have your voice heard in a respectable manner and continue to love and have passion for what you do and believe in.
If you make a mistake, be the better person and own up and if you are the other, be an even bigger person and forgive!

I stand up for Michael Muhney, no one stands alone.

Starting to live, the road from #Depression

2014-03-04T11:34:00.000-05:00

The last time I wrote was when I started taking Cymbalta. Been there, done that. I have been medication free since July. I have suffered from depression since my teen years, this summer I said enough, I am taking my life back!

I started the weening process in July, what I thought would be a tough go turned out to be the worst point of my life. Vomiting, brain zaps, dizzy spells and phobia's, the most terrifying experience of my life! I even missed my sons 4th Birthday. I needed something anything to grab onto. I couldn't leave my house. I experienced chest pains and stomach issues, loss of appetite and extreme weight loss, what was happening to me? I had been on many different medications, Zoloft, Prozac, Celexa, Effexor, Wellbutrin, the list goes on. Nothing came close to the withdrawals I experienced coming off of Cymbalta. I was hallucinating daily, mostly spiders, from thousands of little ones to a very large one hanging over my bed. Many nights I woke up in a panic.
After talking with my Doctor, who has been very supportive, we decided I should get my buns in gear and finally get into Therapy! She provided me with a list of Doctors, called a couple, one called me back really quickly. I was excited to start my journey, at the same time, I thought that she may call in the white coats to take me away. Which at the time, I was close to committing my self, I remember thinking and saying many times, "I can't take this anymore, I am close to committing myself".
The therapist I went to specialized in Cognitive Behaviour therapy.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy

There are 10 forms of Cognitive Distortions

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_distortion

I had to make a list of positive and negative, it was harder to find the positive than to find the negative.

My positives: Caring, generous, loyal, hilarious and smart
My Negatives: Negative, Weak, Lazy, I always think I am sick and/or dying, self critical and fat. The list goes on.

This was all from my first experience with therapy, there was a light at the end of this very dark tunnel.
The one thing I carried from my first session, that brought me down on so many occasions was that I have very high expectations for myself and others, imagine trying to meet such high expectations everyday and failing, which to me brought me down even deeper, then to not have the strength to even try anymore. It becomes easier to live life when you lower those expectations. To not beat yourself up everyday.

LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS for yourself and your loved ones. First step. Talk to your Doctor, seek help.

Depending on how much I can reach out to others and help them, I will give you more tools to help you begin your journey, even if it is an ear to listen. Take control and start living!

Finding my way

2013-04-09T16:32:00.000-04:00

"A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl."

Stephan Hoeller

So after my last blog post, I have come in contact with many who believe that it is in your head and you can turn depression off with some sort of switch, guess what? It isn't that easy, do some research before you try to give advice, because while you speak, I am looking at you like you are a miseducated idiot.

I saw my Doctor Monday, even though I was prepared to pour my heart out, I froze, I told her I was in a very dark place, my Dr has heard this song and dance from me before, so it wasn't shocking, this time I got two prescriptions, one for Cymbalta, I have tried six different anti depressants and atleast four for anxiety...seeing large spiders the size of a bear in your bedroom at night wasn't awesome, so I deal with depression first. I believe it was Celexa that made me hallucinate.

The other prescription was for a therapist. Now that was the furthest thing from my mind these past 12 years, I mean who wants to tell a stranger how crazy they feel? Well that time has come, I need to if I ever want to get better. I am actually excited to get the help and finally get a proper diagnosis.

So we wait....

I started taking the Cymbalta last night, there are many side affects, my dr said it could cause you to bleed....I responded "from where?"

Bruising was what she was talking about, been there done that, projectile vomiting is also a bad sign, well no excorcist needed here, thankfully, just dizzy and light headed, another side affect, loss of appetite! Which is awesome for a recovering bulimic.....With all that being said, I can deal with those three, but you wonder if it is all worth it.

I will keep you all posted, wish me luck.

I am not afraid

2013-04-03T21:44:00.002-04:00

It has been a long time since I have blogged anything but something has been weighing on me for awhile.
I had my 3rd child in February of last year and like many people out there I suffered post partum depression, not to the point that I couldn't look at my child but I was at the point that I didn't want to look at anyone else, my baby was my best friend, I told him my problems and he made me smile.
I went to see my Dr and was prescribed something that I was taking before to help me with my binge eating and depression, it helped at first but then I was on what seemed like a ride through or to hell, not sure which is worse. So as time passed I came off of them, and I was hoping that maybe it was doing the reverse because I was healing, my hormones were returning back to normal, I coped....
I was wrong, who knew that a new house, 3 healthy children, a loving, smart, funny, supportive husband and everything any girl could dream of would make me feel like I was empty inside and so tired, I have 3 kids, I get that, but to not want to get out of bed is a different story.
I guess the best thing is that I know I need to deal with it and I am not in denial and I am not afraid of the outside world and what they think of me, what I am afraid of is that this feeling doesn't go away and that I drown.
I am a fighter and I have fought my way from the bottom, so I am not afraid.
I have a great support system, I couldn't ask for anything or anyone better than my husband, but I feel guilt that my children have to see me through this.
All I can say is if you feel or have felt like this, it is ok, you aren't the only one and you need to speak to the people that love you, don't be afraid.
The ones that are afraid, don't speak up and don't get the chance to fight and sometimes....Well sometimes they can't get out...
I want to start documenting my journey, maybe to help you or others, to tell you that I have been to the other side, I know that there is a better way of living, I just need to find my way.
I see my Doctor Monday, that is my light, I know that I am on the right path, getting there is the first step.

I am not afraid

Being an adult on a bad day

2011-09-07T20:17:00.000-04:00

Today was one of those days that you wish you were somewhere else. Now I know there are others that have gone through these feelings today and if not a different day.

One of those days you wished you were still a kid and didn't want the rough parts that come with being an adult or a parent. One of Those days that every sound makes you cringe. That you wish you could put a pillow over your head and doze off and not have to worry about anything.

One of those days that you haven't slept because something or someone kept you worried or annoyed all night. When you do fall asleep it is quickly ruined by something if anything.

One of those days that you wished were tomorrow. We all have these days...
The right answer is to just turn around and change the way you feel, you are the master of your life and you make the rules and you chose the way you feel. Do you say to yourself that tomorrow is the only way?

Why not right now?

Like me

2011-08-31T10:37:00.003-04:00

Everyday is a different day but how come they feel so alike? I wake up, bring Jeff to work, do a little running around, or go to the gym. Today I have decided to stay positive, don't criticize and judge, just be an all around worthy human being. I find it keeps those feelings of unworthiness away too when you keep busy. I have tidied the house...a little. Had some me time and Geena is still sleeping, as much as I have done, I feel pretty relaxed.

The past couple of days have been a back and forth battle with food. I hate it, why can't I just stop thinking about french fries? Why can't I think of a smoothie, I had a smoothie today but wished that it was a bowl of tater tots, so when you go with healthy you feel better but you always think of the junk you passed up.

In our house we are also dealing with a 7 year old and her lies...I have been doing a little research, makes sense, I will give it a try cause I hate lies, so much, I lived with a liar for a few years so I am sure you can understand my frustration, it is starting soooo early, too early, I started when I was about 9 and stopped when I met Jeff, the only thing I have a hard time with is confronting someone about how I feel when I am upset, so I give the old "nothing is wrong" line. I need to just stop saying no and start saying yes, that is what Jeff tells me almost everyday before he leaves for work.
I am excited for school to start next week, so Oli and I can start to have a schedule. Oh yeah, he starts Pre school next week too, it will be an exciting week, sad week but I also get some me time for a few hours 2 times a week. Oh what to do?

Being Pregnant and living with a disorder

2011-08-15T17:12:00.000-04:00

As you all know when I was pregnant with Oliver I gained 65 pounds, I was very depressed during that pregnancy. Now I am pregnant again and I am aware that I have a problem and it haunts me every single day, every time I eat, every time I gain a pound, it is really tough. I know some of you can relate to me and share the same illness but those of you that don't, don't judge and don't tell me it is easy, I have been dealing with this fight for over 10 years now and sometimes it gets easy and sometimes it consumes your body and mind.

I have had the most control this time but it is hard to look in the mirror and think pregnancy is sexy, charming or beautiful, don't get my wrong, I love my kids and my unborn but it is very difficult.

I had to get that off my chest.

Please, don't say hate!

2011-03-22T14:51:00.000-04:00

I have always thought of myself to be somewhat negative, not until recently have I decided that I am not that bad! Hearing the words "I hate" ignites a fire in me. I can't stand any sentence that begins in those two words. How can you hate someone that you haven't seen in years, who are you to say who they are as a person and to actually feel hatred, is it worth it, the pain it causes others and you, saying I hate I believe takes away from your very soul and can take away from who you are, saying I hate to me is like saying I am not happy with me. I cannot for the life of me say I hate anyone, it isn't in me. I am trying to teach my kids the same thing. We all need to make our children believe that hate is part of the past and not the future or what are we telling our children? How are we setting up their future. Take a minute to help a lifetime.

It is indeed a New Year

2011-01-22T16:06:00.000-05:00

It has been a while, I have had a bumpy start to this New Year, I decided not to make any resolutions this year, no one ever follows through anyhow.

I found this photo on my Ipod, I love it so much, it almost looks like me too, as long as we are solid inside it will show through on the outside.

I decided that my bedroom door gives me the choice to walk through and have the best day of my life or a not so great day, I decided this when I started having a string of bad days, tired and feeling useless.
I am always trying to find something to look forward to because being a stay at home mom can leave you feel lost and looking for the meaning of life. I have not figured out the meaning of life yet, I thought I did last week but if I have already forgotten what it is then it obviously isn't.
What I am trying to do is remember to be the best me, over the years people change sometimes for the better and sometimes the not so better, I think that I am not being the best me so I will be the best me, I can be the better wife, the better friend and a better mother. I love my children but I am not a typical mother, I will always ask for advice and will always provide the most love that I can. I look at parenting like this, if everyone is happy, fed and warm then I am doing my job well, I teach my children to be themselves, be funny and always, always be kind to other people but making jokes and making people laugh is a wonderful gift.

I hope everyone is happy, healthy and blessed this year, I have everything I need but I am always working on me! As long as we all have each other that is the best start we can make this year.

Cheers

Unbearable lightness has my attention

2010-11-16T22:24:00.000-05:00

I sit here thinking about all the positive changes being made in my life, which leads me to think of all the negative.
When I was younger I remember thinking that I was a failure at school, I was always in trouble, could never think straight and the voice in my head would distract me. I would always look for a way to create some sort of talk or attention towards me, whether it was a training bra in grade 3 or a tank top in a school that had a uniform. I was always trying to get some sort of kick. I wanted people to talk about me and tell me that I looked good, because I never felt good inside, I felt like a failure.

Since reading a book recommended by an old High school acquaintance, I felt positive, I felt like this could be it, this could be what I have been looking for. When you struggle like I do, you always think will it ever stop, will the voice in my head ever be satisfied, the Ego is mighty! It feeds off of you!
So I started my venture, I was going to be vegan, or try it, as soon as I read this book and tried it, I felt a weight removed from around my neck and off my shoulders, like a broom carrying buckets of water traipsed along my shoulder blades. Everyday I have been feeling stronger, I walk by trees and feel overwhelmed with happiness. It is weird actually.
I then decided to read Unbearable Lightness, by Portia De Rossi. After seeing her on Ellen and feeling her pain and seeing how much we had in common, even though we live such crazy different lives, I too felt average in school and hated it, I too had a voice in my head, the difference being that hers was a male voice and mine was me, was it younger dumb Jenne or Smarter wise Jenne, always trying to be better and I made myself so miserable. Not until recently did I come out as a sufferer from an eating disorder but I as well have just started self treatment.

In my Skin

2010-10-06T17:27:00.000-04:00

Over the years I have gone on a emotional roller coaster about getting older. I remember turning 20 and thinking OMG! I am half way to 40...Now I am 31 and it doesn't bother me as much.

I have all these marks from life, I have a scar on my knee from when I fell on Shamrock drive in Pincourt off of my bike. I have a scar on my right pinkie from a broken mug, stretch marks on my stomach from carrying my daughter, loose skin all over from gaining 65 pounds with my second pregnancy, bags under my eyes from being a tired parent, tattoo's on my body that have meaning.
This all comes with age, there is no other person in the world that has these exact markings, the real life lines.
My daughter has her first scar on her lower lip from falling when she was about 2 years old, my son will get his first sooner or later, they all come with memories, painful ones but they are like pictures in an album that you can't lose.
I am scared for what comes after life but you only have one, so make the best of it and when you are going through a tough time. Remember that you are on the path to something better.

Still Jenne from the block

2010-10-06T14:14:00.001-04:00

Bullying seems to be a hot topic right now...So I thought it would make sense to share my experiences.

I remember when I was in kindergarten, walking home with my older brother, whom I always looked up to! When two older kids started picking on him, pushing him, putting snow in his face and pushing him down on the ground, I thought why would anyone want to hurt him, he is the best brother anyone can have and would never hurt anyone, I remember screaming at them, calling one of them a pencil dick and telling them to leave him alone, this went one for awhile. I don't remember how or why it stopped, but it broke my heart. I remember my brother telling me maybe a decade or more ago that one of those kids killed himself in his garage...So I think of it like this, the person that needs help is not always the one being bullied but the bully. We need to help these kids so that kids aren't bullied, cause the after affects of being bullied can last for years.

I was bullied in elementary school, in grade 5 specifically. I went to a new school, I took the bus for the first time, there were two girls that made fun of me to no end, they threw my mitts off the bus after throwing them around to their friends. They called me names, they had boys call me names. I remember a specific day I was wearing a really ugly jacket that my grandmother bought me that my mother made me wear, told me I shouldn't care what others thought and one of the girls asked if I got it at the salvation army, in front of everyone, I wanted to die.

Now I don't know why I was bullied, was it because my hair was too blond or my eyes too blue, was it because my jokes were bad or I was nice. I really can't think of it, maybe it was jealousy, cause this one girl had really bad hair...Anyways, I know that I did not deserve this treatment, no one does. I remember when I was a hair dresser in my 20's, a girl I worked with said that one of these girls coached her daughter in swimming and she said to the girl I worked with, "oh you know Jenne...She is such a little bitch". Funny thing is, I hadn't seen her since I was 12 years old, so for ten years she held these feelings. Why?? No idea, I was bullied on numerous occasions and sometimes by my friends in high school.

Bad Parenting

2010-09-29T12:11:00.000-04:00

I can't stand when parents would rather put there child in their crib or their room than play with or deal with them! I hate watching parents fight in front of their kids! It makes me really sad and angry. What hurts more is to know there are children out there starving, beaten and alone.

That is what friends are for

2010-09-27T14:09:00.001-04:00

I struggle on this topic, like I am sure many do. What is a friend? When is it time to move on? I have never been good at moving on, I have been burned and I have been the burner as well.

I can tell you one thing, when a friend confides in you, you need to make sure to keep it to yourself. I have had many friends come and go but the friendships I have now are the most important ones, the ones that keep building, the things that once mattered don't, and the things that matter now are the most important, as we all find ourselves, our friends are our confidants, when I think about the friends I have now, I am blessed. We need to learn to forgive and let go and we need to learn not to judge our friends and hope they do the same.

So....When do you know a friendship has ended? When a friend becomes toxic, all they do is bring you down, as well as themselves, how far can you go to help a friend before it is too far? That is a hard question to answer. I still can't really figure that one out. I can tell you this, I am way too forgiving, is it a fault or is it a golden quality I possess? I don't know, I can tell you this, to have me as a friend is a great thing because I will never hurt you and I will only try to help you be better and I hope that you will do the same! Much love to you all!

A day like no other day

2010-09-17T09:45:00.002-04:00

Today could of been like any other day, so far it isn't, so I think I will prepare my self for a great day.
I went into a famous coffee shop, where I was greeted by the barrista and we chatted for a few minutes, my daughter asked for one of their huge bottles of water, I said "Uh no, I don't think so, you never drink it," I hate when you buy your kids something, especially water, what a great choice, but all they do is take a sip, back wash and then put it to the side, no one will drink it then.

When I was walking over to get my Vente, no foam, extra hot, skinny vanilla latte a lady walked up to me, a customer with a glass of water and a straw and said "this is for your daughter", I thought it would be a nice gesture" Wow, really?! Shit like that doesn't happen anymore. Then the man in front of me asked me if I wanted him to put a lid on my latte, cause he has 3 kids and knows how it can be difficult. Again, really?!?! What a shocker, then someone held the door for me. THIS NEVER HAPPENS.
So I decided, today will be a great day! ;)

Are you serious, this is what teenagers have become

2010-09-16T12:41:00.002-04:00

I will never forget this! Before my son was born my husband, my daughter and I were walking through the mall when my husband felt a strong presence behind him. No it wasn't a ghost, it would have been better if it were, it was a teenager...3 exactly...When my husband asked one of these young "ladies" to stop walking on top of him, she said "Be careful of what you say in front of your daughter". I then said "Are you serious?", she then responded "Seriously, unless you want to get your ass beat in front of you kid, I would watch what you say."

I am not kidding, it ended shortly after that, the girls friends looked scared, like she would actually have done something. What has this world come to? There are prosti-tots everywhere, half naked teenagers on every corner of every street.

I remember being a teenager, it was never that bad, I would never have spoken to anyone in this manner, maybe I have a friend that would have but a lot tamer, it is ridiculous, makes me scared for my own children.

To be brutally honest

2010-09-15T09:59:00.001-04:00

I have received a few emails in regards to my first Blog, it really shows that we are not alone, we are not the only people in the world that suffer from eating disorders. It is amazing how many people you know have this illness, it may be someone you are really close to and you could have no idea, what causes this?

Today is the 10 year anniversary of the death of my Beloved Grandfather. This human being brought so much joy, love and spirit to this world, which makes me think, 10 years....Wow, that is how long I have been sick for...Coincidence? Who really knows, I can't even answer that question.

I remember seeing family photos of me and my 2 brothers right after I got out of the hospital for a throat infection when I was about 20, this was a really difficult part of my life to begin with. I couldn't find a serious relationship, I didn't like myself much and I notice I looked really chubby and just overall unattractive, since then I pinch the fat on my stomach and arms, the fat that surrounds my muscles really makes me queasy.

I sometimes think, maybe watching my own mother struggle with weight her entire life has made me this way, which makes me very mindful about what I say or do in front of my own daughter, I remember when I first came out to my husband, I was going to the gym all the time, which can be another form of bulimia, my daughter was going to the basement and pulling out the yoga mat to do her "exercises", this made me feel guilty, I know that exercising is normal and encouraged, but am I the reason she was worrying about weight? You can't help but think these thoughts. Is bulimia hereditary? I am starting to think that many mental illnesses are linked to our parents and our parents parents. Where do you think your mental health issues stem from?

To Unplug or not to Unplug?

2010-09-14T14:55:00.000-04:00

I always wonder if TV makes us depressed...I always wonder what it would be like if I unplugged for a day...Should I give it a try? I hear that when you don't have life's little distractions like TV, the internet, Cell phones, Toasters and all that jazz, your life gets better! I think I want to try this, see what it is like, just turn all power off and have a great time, read a book and stare at the wall, I kid of course about the wall.

What would it be like to stare at the sky and smell the leaves and enjoy the air? Without feeling pressure to watch a season premiere or the Jersey Shore...Man those kids are funny and unbelievable. A tad bit Slutty that Situation!

See my life revolves around how many girls the situation is going to hide from one another all over his house or new catch phrases he is going to create. Most people have status updates updating us that they are watching TV, I know you are watching TV, Now I know exactly where you are and what you are doing....Can I have a crap update as well? Again I kid! But I am sure that most of us by the time we realize what day it is we are already excited for what shows are on later that evening.

I will promise to you now that tomorrow I am unplugging...No TV, No Internet, No phone, say goodbye tonight cause tomorrow is a different kind of day, man I hope it doesn't rain!

Well well, here we are

2010-09-14T12:16:00.000-04:00

I always think to myself, "No one in this world knows me like I do, not even my husband, no one hears the thoughts that are in my head or how I feel all the time...Sometimes I don't even know me."

Does that sound crazy? No, I don't think so.

It has been almost 10 years since I developed Bulimia, I remember living with my roommate and asking her if she knew what was going on...She said "I know exactly what is going on!" From then on in, I was going to hide it better and be better at it. This illness stopped following me when I got pregnant with my daughter, thank god, I beat it or it was cured...No it wasn't, it came back, It came back a year before I lost my job, why? I have no idea...But I finally admitted it to my Husband about 2 years ago. Broke down and admitted it, see when you have an illness like this, no one understands and thinks you can just stop or turn it off, you can't, they call it an illness for a reason.

I remember the first time that I had a bulimic episode, I was about 21 years old, I joined a gym, I worked out for the first time in my life, then my roommatte thought it would be a great idea to go the the Beautiful Province and eat a poutine...I felt so guilty that I made myself sick, easy! I was losing weight and everyone told me how great I looked. Thinking that it was the gym, I knew the real secret. How easy, what a fix. Laxatives where my best friend!

Now since having my son, I have been working really hard with myself. No binging and healthy living! It is really hard sometimes but I am really trying to beat these demons. I think to myself, I am not doing this for my kids, I am doing this for me, this is a part of my life that I need to conquor!

This is me! We all need help sometimes, we need to rely on the ones we love for emotional support, that is why they love us and we love them, isn't it?