Upon talking to a life coach recently she said to me, “I tell my clients that therapy is for working through your past, and coaching is handling your life moving forward.”  Well, with that definition, why would anyone want to ever go to therapy again? The point is, if addressing the past doesn’t feel like it is going to do any immediate change with the present problem, then I wouldn’t be surprised that you wouldn’t want to spend your time or money rehashing it.

The thing is, I told this coach, is that the past is alive in the present.  It is stored in the somatic emotional memory of the body/ nervous system.  Most of the time it is dictating our beliefs, feelings, and decisions without us being aware of it’s influence.  If you don’t have an opportunity to become conscious of the stored emotional pain, it most likely will recreate experiences that reinforce the subsequent believed limitations as reality.  I’m talking about internal experiences that cause you to lash out angrily at others, or inhibit you from speaking your truth.  I’m talking about the part of your brain that doesn’t have a clock–it just stores painful experience and resulting beliefs that were formulated to protect you, but most likely don’t have the same relevance today and are getting in the way to you leading a more carefree, joyful life.

So if you find yourself feeling flooded with sudden emotion that feels “bigger” than the triggering event, or just notice that you are hitting the same wall in work or relationships, then it just may be the activation of your somatic emotional memory coming into play.

And you are right if you are wondering how talking about the past could be enough to stop this part of your brain from firing.  The short answer?  It doesn’t.  Regular psychotherapy helps soften the blow by bringing more awareness to what is causing the pain, and hopefully give you an opportunity to intercept it when it fires.  Somatic emotional clearing, on the other hand (accessing memory stored in the nervous system that creates painful emotions and sensations in the body), has the potential to reprogram the neural pathways and heal the root of where the belief was formed. i.e. “I’m not safe,” “I’ll always be alone,” “I’m unloveable,” “It’s all my fault.”  By clearing the tension in the nervous system while challenging the blocking belief, these limitations and reactions have the opportunity to resolve and transform.

and usually does not deeply change the pain pattern or limitation that has been so upsetting, even if it softens the “why me?” a bit.

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One of the great teachings of Yoga is the breathing practices.  Alternate nostril breathing is a fantastic way to balance the brain hemispheres and calm your overall nervous system.  Even a short practice of several minutes per day can make a big difference in expanding your body’s ability to self-regulate and manage stressful events.  Simply block off the right nostril with your thumb, and inhale through the left nostril.  Using the ring finger and thumb, close both nostrils.  Now block off the left nostril and exhale through the right.  Hold the breath out for a moment, then inhale only through the right, block both, then exhale left.  Repeat for 8 to 10 rounds or as long as it is comfortable for you.

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Here are a few quick tips to find some anxiety relief:

• KNOW when you’re anxious—The first step to managing anxiety is to know that anxiety is coming on.  What are the signs and symptoms?  The physical symptoms are usually the easiest to spot.  They usually include increased heart rate, sweaty palms, “fluttering” or “butterflies” in your stomach, and a pronounced sense of dread.  If you notice these symptoms coming on, that is a good time to pause, breathe slowly and deeply, and follow the next 4 tips.

• TEST your reality—Ask yourself: Is this situation do or die?  What is the situation/ thought/ anticipated outcome that is triggering this feeling to occur?  Are you in real danger, or is the threat mostly projected onto the situation?  If you are in real danger/ trouble/ threat, what can you do about it right now? 
• Think about what you can control versus what you cannot.  Even if you are projecting the danger onto the situation, the above still applies.  Focus on what you can control and ask yourself, what is good about projecting this negative outcome?  How is this catastrophizing thought/ part of you trying to benefit you by thinking this way?  Has obsessive thinking become the strategy for maintaining safety or trying to prevent a loss?

• SOOTHE your inner perfectionist—If the projected negative outcome is coming from a critical or perfectionistic voice, ask yourself—Where is this voice coming from?  Who in my life does this voice sound like?  Where did I adopt my standards and are my standards impossible or unreasonable to expect?

• CHANT “Just for today”—When you are overwhelmed or paralyzed with anxiety, one of the best things you can do is focus on the present moment.  Focus on doing one thing at a time.  Forget about seeing the “bigger picture” for now, or what might happen in the future.  You are here and now, that is where your power lies.  When you focus on responding to what is right in front of you, taking one step, and then the next, you have concentrated your energy and internal resources towards the greatest possible action.

• STOP, BREATHE, APPRECIATE—After the effort has been made for that day or that moment, come back to the pause.  You have done all that you can and now it’s time to let go and rest.  If you learn to step back and appreciate your effort, you have even more fuel to begin again.  In the resting state, creative energy is regenerated and new ideas can form. 

• Give yourself the space to pause and to slow your heart rate down.  A good tool for doing this is “square” breathing where you breathe in for a count (3 seconds is usually good, more if you are able), hold for the same count, and exhale for the same count.  Then pause with the breath out for that count again before beginning again.  This practice will definitely slow your heart rate down, move your nervous system from a sympathetic to parasympathetic state, and help bring your frontal cortex (part of the brain that can think rationally and creatively) back online.

Certainly if you’ve tried all of the above and are still having major anxiety symptoms such as panic attacks, night terrors or insomnia, feelings of dread throughout the day, crying spells or inability to focus, contact your doctor or therapist right away!  With time, medication, and therapy, you can turn these symptoms around and reclaim peace in your life.  For more information about treating anxiety or panic symptoms through psychotherapy or EMDR, please call me at: 415-448-6478, or email me at info@jennifernorstrom.com.

To your health and happiness,
Jennifer

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• Be a Reflective Listener—Once your ears are tuned and ready to take in someone’s message, what does it mean to be a good listener? First of all, take a non-assuming stance.  Don’t assume that you know how the other person is feeling, what their “problem” is, or what is meaningful to them.  Pull back your reigns of interpretation and see if you can catch the words they actually use.                                                                                                                                                                                                                Reflect feelings with curiosity such as “you seem excited!” or “wow, it sounds like you are really concerned.”  Phrases like “you seem,” “it sounds like,” or “I heard__” indicate that you are curious about their perspective and are willing to be wrong so that they can correct you.  When someone feels heard, they are much more willing to hear your perspective after they’ve said all they have needed to say.  And if you approach it with an attitude of respect and appreciation of differences, you are inherently building a feeling of connection.

• Speak with Feeling Language—When it does come time for your turn to speak, it’s important to be connected to your own emotional experience. Thoughts and ideas alone cannot convey how you are impacted by others or by life—feelings do that.  When you use feeling language you share more of your inner experience, which makes it easier for other people to relate to you.  Letting people know that you were excited, curious, scared, nervous, irritated, etc. give others a better sense of who you are, and what you want or need in your life to build meaning and trust.  Using “I” language is also very important, and connects you to your own internal experience, which is self-affirming.

• Get Curious about Needs and Desires—Everyone is born with the basic needs of food, shelter, safety, and to feel a sense of love, belonging, and acceptance. As we develop, we grow into needs for play, discovery, and the search for meaning.  These needs stay with us throughout our lives.  When you connect with yourself through your emotional experience, you can begin to realize which need or desire is being activated, and how you want to try and respond to that need inside yourself.  The same goes for connecting to others; when you understand that most people are trying to meet one of their basic needs through their words or actions, you can reflect that need and empathize with them.

• Make Requests Not Demands—Usually, as a human being, we cannot meet all of our needs ourselves. As social creatures we have a high need for connection in addition to physical needs.  In order for this need for connection to be met requires sharing from an open, tender place that communicates our need for one another.  When you desire more attention, recognition, validation, understanding, the best hope to meet that need is to communicate it from a vulnerable place.  Of course, it’s important to determine who feels emotionally safe to receive our desire and request.  Being specific in an action someone can take to meet your need is very helpful as well so that it is easier for the other person to take action. 

            Sometimes the plea to be heard or for support or contribution seems to fall on deaf ears.  Just remember, switching to a demand or criticism will probably not help you.  If you truly feel ignored repeatedly, and you are communicating vulnerably with feelings, needs, and requests, then you might want to ask yourself if it makes sense to continue to try and get your need for connection fulfilled through that particular person.  It definitely takes the effort of two or more people to effectively communicate.  If you are determined to do your part through active listening, self-connection, vulnerable need sharing and specific requests, then try to seek the company of others who are dedicated to working on doing the same.

~Jennifer Norstrom, LMFT *2018* All rights reserved.

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It is very common that most of us, at some point, have felt like fighting back or running from an intimate partner. 

You may begin to recognize particular patterns in your emotions and relationships, but might not understand why they happen, or what you can do to change them.

What is the reason why negative relational patterns seem to repeat? 

In the early process of development, your brain is forming concepts about the world and the way things work.  Parents, caretakers, family, and friends often shape much of the physical and emotional environment you grow up in. 

In the process of  learning we often borrow thoughts, ideas, and behaviors according to what is provided. We also need to adapt to our environment in order to survive.  Negative messages and experience, from subtle to abusive or neglectful, often tear down self-esteem, and may contribute to the feeling of wanting to lash out or run away. 

The emotional pain that results from this negative messages and experience, even if unconscious, can cause your body to restrict the natural flow of energy and become very tense. This tension is pushed deeper into your cellular memory system, and can create a negative feedback loop, or pain pattern, that gets triggered in current relationships.

Somatic cues that indicate an emotional trigger include a shortness of breath, tightness in the chest or stomach, racing heartbeat, or sweaty palms.  Every response is unique to the individual.  Sometimes the response can just be felt as a numb or tingling sensation, or the feeling of floating away.

Whatever your somatic cue, the more you become aware of it the quicker you will be able to respond and investigate your own response. The more you can approach somatic cues and strong emotional reactions with curiosity, the more likely you will be able to change it.

Identifying that you are triggered, and that the intensity of the emotion is most likely coming from a memory, will help to calm the part of you that has been set off.  Connecting to your needs and asking for support is also a step in the right direction.  For more information on cellular memory trauma processing, click here.

Copyright 2018 Jennifer Norstrom, LMFT

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Love addiction is the vicious cycle of infatuated behavior that can cause you to choose unhealthy relationships again and again. 

Here are 3 symptoms and signs to recognize:

#1 Symptom: Poor boundaries

Are you a “yes” person?  Do you say yes even when you don’t want to?  Do you often feel like “no” isn’t an option, or that saying “no” means that you don’t care or are a bad person?  Poor boundaries are a symptom of attachment wounding and are common in love addicts.  

Click here to learn more about difficulty with boundaries.

#2 Symptom: Leap before looking

Do you let your attraction chemicals make decisions for you?  If you tend to become infatuated with someone and are willing to make life altering decisions to be with that person before you have rationally looked at his/her behavior over time, chances are that you are addicted to the “love” chemicals produced by your brain.  Biological diversity may produce greater physical attraction through chemical excitement but does not necessarily mean compatibility.

#3 Symptom: Can’t quit toxic relationships

If you find yourself clinging to a person that is abusive emotionally or physically, lies or keeps secrets, cheats, plays games, or is even up front with being non-committal but you just can’t quit him even though you want commitment, then you are clinging to a toxic relationship.  This quality is very dangerous and takes a toll on your emotional and physical health.  If you see that you have struggled with being able to quit toxic relationships, it’s almost certain that you are suffering from a love addiction.

Summary:

Love addiction, sex addictions, and food addictions are just as real as drug and alcohol addictions, but may go unnoticed for your whole life.  You may feel caught in a pain cycle again and again, and not know how to get out.  Support from others that have gone through the healing process can be an essential part in your own healing journey.

Although not as easy to spot as drug or alcohol addiction, love addiction is a very painful cycle that is difficult to break.  With attachment healing, coaching, and emotional support, I am committed to guiding you in the healing process.  For more information contact me at 415-448-6478 or at info@jennifernorstrom.com.

~Jennifer Norstrom, LMFT

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  You’re smart about many things in life.  Going through school, getting a job, coordinating an event or matching colors together to make a great outfit.  When it comes to dating however, your IQ may not match the type of smarts you need to siphon out the gems from the duds. 

Dating may be cruel at times and may not feel fair, especially if you seem to keep drawing in the same type of dude again and again.  If you are looking for a committed relationship but seem to keep finding men with one foot out the door, (lie, cheat, keep secrets, or only come around on their terms), you may need to sharpen up the IQ of your relationship radar.

First of all, you need to identify Red flag behaviors such as: 

• He wants to meet you in a non-public location on the first or second date.
• He doesn’t set up the next date with you within a week of the last date, or gives you a vague sense of when you’ll hear from him again.
• He only calls or texts you late at night or suggests that you meet up last minute or asks you to come over.
• He doesn’t talk about his family or dating history, or seems to be elusive about his past.

Second, look for a man that holds committed relationship qualities.

Here’s the short list:

• Consistency, Honesty, Congruency (words and actions match)
• Patience, Persistence, Dedication
• Positive outlook on home and family.

The first thing you can do when getting to know your potential man is to look to see if he possess these qualities.  Ask yourself:  Does he call when he says he is going to?  Does he plan to spend time with me and set a definite time for our next date?  Is there consistency between his words and actions, with a pattern of predictability?  Does he place kindness over being right and do I feel like I can relax and be myself in his presence?  If you are answering NO to these questions, move on.

Third, look at your own behavior.

If you feel like you are waiting by the phone because you don’t know when you’ll hear from him again, that’s probably is a good indication that you should not put all of your eggs in his basket.  He’s most likely out with someone else.  I don’t care how charming and muscular he is.  If you are feeling anxious or confused between dates that’s a good indication that he is not demonstrating consistency and persistence.  At least not when it comes to you.

Sure, you can certainly take a look at yourself and what you bring to the table as well.  Developing your confidence and self-love will reduce desperate behaviors produced out of insecurity that undermine your personal value. 

And at the same time, being able to spot “dud-like” behavior will save you a lot of time and tears if you can see those qualities up front.  Sifting through dating profiles can also become much more targeted if you know what you are looking for and not looking for.  If you base your interest solely on appearance, you can expect to be disappointed.

If the time you spend dating is only focused on the immediate fun, without incorporating the above qualities, just know that you most likely will not be heading towards a committed relationship.  Even if for some reason he does commit himself to you, if he does not also demonstrate honesty, patience, dedication, and congruency, you will most likely be headed towards a painful outcome.

Many times what is missing from the “IQ” development of spotting healthy qualities for relationships is emotional guidance and support.  When you reflect on your relationships with your own family history, themes of grief and loss, abuse, or emotional neglect often interfere with your sense of trust and ability to develop healthy intimacy as an adult. 

Therapy targeted at attachment-based healing can help give you the momentum that’s needed to turn painful patterns around.  So if you’re on the path of looking for love and commitment, think about what it will take to begin to notice the gems and avoid the duds along the way.

Contact me for more specific help with dating and relationship success.  415-448-6478  Call me today.

Here’s more information about brain chemistry affecting the way you date: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-to-do-about-bad-brain-chemistry

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Periodically clients tell me about their dreams.  They may be scary, funny, or just bizarre, but one thing they usually have in common is that they are striking and impactful to the one who is dreaming.

When you are struck by the nature of a dream’s content and/ or the emotional charge it leaves behind, it make sense to try and seek some understanding of what’s going on.

While there is not a set in stone translation of dream images and meanings, often the emotional content of the dream will tell you more than the images themselves.  You could probably guess that if you are running away from something in your dream, that is a good indication you are trying to escape a perceived threat in your waking life.

While the monster under the bed or the space alien may be a gross exaggeration of what is really going on, dream images and symbology may put into perspective just how frightened and bothered part of you may feel by something that has happened or something feared yet to come.

If you have had a recent experience that was upsetting or shocking in some way, it also makes sense that your unconscious will try to process it during sleep in an attempt to reduce the emotional charge and overall stress on the system.

If you are repeatedly waking up with a sense of dread, losing hours of sleep, or having re-occurring nightmares or images, most likely you are suffering from some form of post-traumatic stress, which may be from a recent experience but can occur many years after a traumatic event or abuse has passed.

On the up side you can also feel inspired or motivated by your dreams.  Beautiful images or creative ideas can be generated when you are able to give your mind space to settle and expand.  This is also a reason why meditation can be so powerful in bringing clarity or insight to a problem or creative venture.  If you go to sleep with this intention, you might want to have a piece of paper and pen ready by your bedside to record inspiration!

In sum, dreams can be powerful symbols to point us towards seeing more clearly what we are holding inside.  If you feel struck by the content of what you’ve seen or felt during your dreamtime, or have an ongoing dream that you can’t make sense of, bringing it to therapy can be a helpful way to gain insight, clarity, and support.

Just like memories, dreams do not have to be realistic nor accurate portrayals of truth in order to be important or to be able to process effectively with EMDR trauma therapy.  If you feel a strong emotional response, that is an indication some part of you needs attention and care.

Want to find out more? Contact me for a complimentary 15 minute phone consultation about EMDR dream processing and dreamwork art therapy.

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With the everyday stress of running a household and new financial demands, little hurts and annoyances in a marriage can pile up. Often we look to sex for relief and reconnection. The flood of good feelings from sexual intimacy and stimulation can temporarily override bad feelings, and for a while you can move on believing all is well.

But what if I told you that there was a way to get naked with your man without taking off your clothes? A way to keep things juiced up between you…well before hitting the bedroom?

When it comes to getting naked, vulnerable communication is about as bare as it gets. I once heard the word intimacy described as “into-me-you-see.” That means that raw feelings, and the tender needs they point to, are being seen and exposed, even if it feels scary. Think of honest, vulnerable communication as part of your foreplay to richer intimacy. There are certain steps that will help you get there. They are as follows:

STEP 1: Self-Inquiry.

What is it that you have had little grievances about? Perhaps he doesn’t help clean up as much as you would like or hasn’t heard your plea for a romantic night out in awhile. Whatever it is, have you tended to push it aside or have simply nagged him about doing it? Either way, I’m guessing that you don’t feel heard or cared for on those fronts. Identifying aspects of the relationship that really bother you is the first step.

STEP 2: Identify your feelings.

Over time, little hurts build and form into resentment—which is sure to put a damper on your desire for him. Just like it takes two to tango, it takes two to openly communicate; however one person can often get the ball rolling. Feeling words like “sad”, “lonely”, “worried”, and “scared” have the potential to capture more of the essence of what is happening for you then moving straight into an action plan, and are an important step in helping him to feel compassionate and connected to you.

STEP 3: Identify what you are longing for.

Understanding universal needs and how they are operating in your life is also a very powerful way to expose yourself, and can open the door to feel his love and affection. These include the need for connection, to feel loved, to be seen/ heard, to matter. They also include needs for order, self-expression, contribution, cooperation, and appreciation.

STEP 4: Get specific.

The more clearly you can identify a specific action, phrase, or behavior to discuss, the easier it will be for him to understand and be able to try and meet your needs if possible. When using feelings and needs language in dialog, the form looks something like this:

“When you____(specific action), I feel ____(sad, hurt, annoyed) because I’m really wanting/ needing_______(us to work together, respect for my effort, more alone time with you).”

And may conclude with a vulnerable request: “Would you be willing to…(specific action)?”

At first, this may feel awkward or challenging for you. If you were raised with the idea that if you care you shouldn’t have your own needs, or “needs” were just a code word for a demand—(I need you to-!) then trying to think in this way may seem like I just gave you a foreign language assignment. Which brings me to the final step.

STEP 5: Abolish the language of demands.

If you notice that you are more often than not hearing yourself say “YOU need to…(do this or stop doing that, give me attention, fill in the blank)” with your spouse than watch out! You are on a downward spiral that is sure to send intimacy flying out the window.

It certainly doesn’t mean that you and your spouse don’t live up to your agreements. Especially in today’s modern marriage, negotiating roles and defining and following your own agreements are a huge component. It’s when you move from a two-part collaboration to a “one person is driving this ship” mentality that you’ve stepped out of vulnerable, mutual invitation and consent to the struggle for power and control. Your spouse will feel it and will either respond with collapsed submission (which seriously isn’t sexy), or distant resentment and withdrawal (that means less attention on you).

So what can you do to turn your ship around? Practice getting naked with your communication. Practice vulnerability. Dive deep into your heart and take a solid look at what is sincerely out of your control. If you are someone who isn’t aware of or tries not to have any needs, think about becoming more honest with yourself.

Begin to use feeling language more and more and introspect into your deep emotional longings. When you begin to get more intimate with yourself, it will be easier to get more intimate with your man. When you have a clearer idea about what you like, how you are feeling, and what you want more of you can ask for it more directly.

Sure it may mean that the dishes go unwashed for a night or that you really own up to the fact that you take on too much and need more fun or support. Whatever you discover in this process or let go of, I can assure you that you will start to feel happier, healthier, more vibrant, and more excited to get down and dirty even when the going gets a little rough.

If intimacy between you needs a lift then having your man hear, see, and respond to you differently will be a refreshing change, and may very well translate into your level of turn-on. Being seen for your innermost needs and desires can be not only healing but thrilling when your vulnerable exposure is felt and received. Ready to try on this new way to get naked? Check out www.cvnc.org for more tools and information.

For practice and/or guidance in developing vulnerable communication for couples and creating greater intimacy in your marriage, go to www.jennifernorstrom.com/contact for a free consultation.

Jennifer Norstrom, LMFT ©2015, all rights reserved.

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