jennster :o)

happy HO HO

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 17:32:00 +0000

just a quick note...

1st- thank you so much for reading and responding to a fellow blogger in the post below. she needed to hear it all, and appreciates it so much. so do i.

2nd- happy holidays everyone!!!!!!!! i love love love this time of year, but also realize that i think i like it the most when we're going to my moms over christmas. see, it snows where she lives. and while i have absolutely zero (i cannot stress that enough) desire to EVER live where it snows.... there is something completely magical about a white christmas. so ever since she moved up there, it's been fun to have white merry ho ho days with blake. if there's ever a time to have snow.... it's on christmas. i don't know why, it's just a requirement or something. you know, like lap sitting.

have you finished your shopping? i'm almost done. for the most part done. but then i think about who i still haven't bought for and i realize that i'm not done. at all. and that i'm running out of time. EEEEEEEEK. and that of course i haven't bought anything for certain people cause i have no clue what to get them! the easiest to shop for gets their gifts bought first! ha

so what about you? are you done????

guest post....

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 17:28:00 +0000

all too often as bloggers, we find that too many people we care about know about our blogs. and read them. so while we love and adore our blogs for the outlets they provide, there are times when we can't write what we truly want too. because what we want to say might be read by the person we're talking about..... that's when we go to someone else's blog to vent.. express.. ask for help or opinions.

and that's where this post comes from. she just needed to get it all out. obviously, since her original draft was written over 2 years ago... she is truly wanting everyone's opinions. she will be reading the comments... so thank you in advance for talking to her.

I need to get something off my chest.

I drafted a post a long time ago. I was scared to hit the publish button. Worried about how I might make someone feel. These feelings are still here, and I just need to put them out there in hopes that it will help me with the situation and the anxiety that it is causing me over a friendship that is no more.

In May of 2007, I wrote this:

“Her and I had a falling out once I became pregnant with my first child. And once my first child was born, I became nonexistent to her. But, of course, there was always the odd chance we would see each other, maybe 5 times over the last 2 1/2 years.

At those times, she showered my daughter(s) with gifts. She would tell me how great her career was going (how much money she was making, constantly getting promoted, etc.). She would constantly play up how great her career was going and her life was going. Why did this make me feel so incredibly small? Like being a mother (even though I also work outside of the home) meant so much less than making a ton of money. She made me feel like I wasn’t as smart.

I was told by others that this wasn't about me. It was about her. I was then reminded that she decided the day she was going to get married was the same exact day of the year I was married (my wedding was four years earlier), and that she used the same flowers I did, that her bachelorette party was in the same location as mine, and the copying goes on and on. The mere fact that I mentioned that we were going to start looking at buying a house led her to make an offer on a house the next week - when they hadn't even thought about doing it before. I have been told many times that she is a follower, not a leader, but why must someone copy me like this or treat our friendship so competitively.

She would never call me. Never email me. I had to make all the effort. And I was told by others that it isn't about me. Everything always has to be about her all the time.

I tried to let her know how I felt and that I didn’t like the competition it seemed we had between us. The response I got was nothing like the one I wanted. She mentioned how mad at me she was for missing her birthday party (granted there were many other people there). I told her I could not find a sitter. She didn't understand. How could she? She was the important one.

I don't even know where I am going with this anymore. It's just one thing after another. I mean, I really do truly believe that you don't know what it is like after having kids until you have them yourself. This friend is planning to get pregnant soon, and have her first child at 31, because she once told me when I was pregnant with my first that "31 is a good year to have your first child." And you probably already guessed it. I was having my first child at 31.

I'm stumped. I'm tired of thinking about this and getting mad every time I think about her. I just want it to end. Be over. Good riddance.”

That’s the end of what I wrote and I never really finished it, but it really and truly wasn’t the end until now, two and a half years later. We hadn’t written or spoken to each other since this last June, when she had very not discreetly placed my husband and I on her 2nd tier list of friends. When you are invited somewhere to be with a group, you kind of expect to be around that group and hang out with them. Instead, it was like we were a joke, and we were told there wasn’t enough accommodations, and you’ll have to stay away from the group somewhere else. I think that was the last straw. We stopped talking after this, but our husbands still remain the best of friends and do things together.

About a month ago, she was planning her baby’s first birthday party. She invited us, and I didn’t want to go and hadn’t responded to the invitation. I received an email on my birthday (of all days) from her after not speaking with her since June, asking if we would be attending and oh, she missed me, and happy birthday. She also mentioned that it had been weird that we hadn’t spoken in so long and if there was something that she did that upset me that she was sorry (did she already know what she did?). I was mad she sent this to me on my birthday because it ate at me all day, so I responded to her the next day. I thought that was a selfish thing to do, but what do I know? I reiterated the situation that hurt me, and that it wasn’t the first time (because there has been a lot of these situations over the years), and how it really upset me. I also told her that I hoped we could get past it and start over. So, what happened? I received no response. The fact that I actually held out hope that we could work it out makes me feel even worse, so now I am left wondering why I cared so much? Because I look back at some of this older stuff, and I had almost forgotten how long I’ve been going through this. Now it’s all very clear to me. What makes things even harder is that I can pretty much get along with anyone, so was that friendship just not meant to be? And because my husband and her husband are close friends, how can I make it easier for them? Because of their friendship, this makes for a sticky situation that I will always be attached to, and I think that is why I am having a hard time letting it go.

I don’t plan to ever see her again and will not do anything with them as a couple and that is the way I want it.

Writing about this makes me feel a lot better. Thanks for listening. If anyone else has been through this situation, it would be so helpful to me to find out how you’ve handled it and hear some advice.

the holiday party that wasn't

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 19:58:00 +0000

boyfriend and i got all dolled up on saturday night to head to my work's holiday party. yes, getting dressed in all black equals dolled up. i had been sick all week, so i didn't have time to shop for anything to wear... which annoyed me all day long. i had to wear old clothes. boooo

we weren't in the party 20 minutes (isn't the lighting pretty?) ....

when the POWER WENT OUT!!!!!!

total.blackness.

okay, there were some candles, but that was it.

and when total blackness occurs... pictures like this happen.

you know, where peoples heads get cut off...

and only half of someone's body is in the shot

or nothing but a cup is there.

and you kind of think it's funny to blind people with your camera flash, so you just flash it constantly.

and when they complain, it makes you want to keep doing it more. cause you're all sorts of considerate and stuff.

at some point you get used to being in the dark (even though they've asked you to leave at least 5 times already) and your pictures get better!

and eventually you do leave cause you notice it's starting to get really fucking cold in there with no power. and you also realize that you're starving. and it's still dark. and this isn't that fun in the dark without power cause hello, that means, NO MUSIC!!!!

so you attempt to take one more girly group shot before you leave.

and then you walk outside and see what all the commotion is about.
oh hi, water! you look awful high!

so you walk around to where your car is parked and you see firemen literally taking buckets of water out of a car for the owner. then you see your car. and you are so happy you have a gas guzzling, environment hating, suv. (woot woot) cause the water didn't get high enough to get IN your car. but boyfriend still had to take off his shoes and socks to wade through the wetness to get the car. he is amazing.

the end. :)

some new blogs

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 18:38:00 +0000

remember i talked not too long ago about finding and loving new blogs? and how it always surprises me that i don't know like, EVERY SINGLE BLOG OUT THERE? haha.. some of you asked me to share my list of new to me blogs that i am loving on.

so i thought i would.
cause if i love them, most likely you will too!!!

most of them are young.. and fun.. and just loving and enjoying life. they write about their friends and their days and what matters to them. have i mentioned how freaking hot they are? well .... they are all gorgeous!!!! i came for the looks. i stayed for the personality. i'm like the perfect guy. lol

i met katie when i was shopping and buying coach purses! and now we read eachother's blogs religiously. she's awesome and super sweet. and hello, she works for coach! (i honestly think that it was through katie's blog that i found all of these other amazingly hot and young women. which makes sense cause um.. katie's younger than i am, so of course she's rolling with these chicks!)

annie from chapters of our life is too freaking cute for words. i have a total girl crush on her. click over and you'll see why. :)

it ain't easy being cheesy cracks me the hell up. i will never see that stache again and not think of her! she's silly and fun and adorable!

love meagan is a freaking gorgeous LA girl. i know, how cliche. :) i don't know why i love her blog so much.. i mean, i'd never in a million years make any of the DIY shit she posts (cause i'm too lazy and totally not that stylish)... but i love all her outfit pictures and i appreciate her style and total hotness. also, THE HAIR!!!!! i can't get over her amazing hair!!!! i covet. and lovet.

aubrey from made you blush is simply stunning. she is clever and honest and i've really enjoyed finding and reading her. you will too. :)

i honestly can't remember how i found pooba (don't think it was through katie).. but OH.MY.GOSH. am i ever happy i did! i freaking LOVE THIS GIRL!!!!!! she is hilarious, and crazy and i totally want to be real life friends with her. :)

and jax from the roaring twenties... we both went to st lucia on our honeymoon. no, not together. not even the same year. so what. i love her so i want to draw similiarities between our lives so she will see we're meant to be friends forevah!!! we're both blonde. we're both crazy. we both have hot husbands. see? totally meant to be.

that's it for now! i hope you visit and love these amazing and gorgeous chica's as much as i do!!! :)

aaand my day yesterday was a little crazy

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 21:47:00 +0000

first of all, i feel fucking terrible. i hate being sick. or moreso, i hate FEELING sick. i'd rather be sick and feel fine, then be sick and feel sick. ha.

even worse? traveling while you're sick. even though my flights were super quick, it still sucks to fly at all when you don't feel well.

have i mentioned it's flipping cold in this state? oh yeah, i have. here was my view from the plane- almost in so cal!
brrr, it's cold down there!

anyway, so i'm feeling terrible and i'm at the studio and of course.. when i feel and look like complete shit, i get to see and meet all sorts of awesome people.

(do you have kids? if so, ask them who he is. if not, watch hannah montana- hee). yes, i realize i just said awesome and mitchel musso in the same sentence.. but hear me out! he was super, super nice.. totally friendly, super chatty.. and just a really, really cool guy. he WAS awesome, so there! i guess i like to give props because people (especially younger talent who have been in the public eye for so long) aren't always so friendly and nice. hell, no one has to be friendly and nice to a stranger... but he totally was. and not just kind of nice, he was like ridiculously awesomely nice. so yeah. he sort of rules. :)

but to top that (sorry mitchel, but... come on!!!!!) i got to see THIS GUY from the hangover movie!

if you haven't seen the movie then 1- WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?? and 2- this won't make any sense to you (*cough*CAT*cough*)

he walked past me and i said "i loved the pictures of you in the elevator" and he stopped dead in his tracks. turned his head super quick. looked at me. got confused for about 2 seconds then he goes "HAHHA! i've never heard it said like that before! that was funny!!" and he cracked up and walked out the door.

i'm awesome.

but still sick.

which is all sorts of UNawesome.

holy crap it's cold!

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 23:46:00 +0000

i spent the entire weekend sitting outside at a baseball tournament. it was 35 degrees (give or take). i was stressing out before we left about how the hell i was possibly going to stay warm. i was thinking over all my warm weather clothes *insert fits of laughter here*.... how was ONE SWEATSHIRT going to keep me warm all day and night long?!?!?!

listen, i like to do things like ice skate and snowboard in the snow and cold. but otherwise, i don't sit outside for hours on end in the freezing flipping cold doing absolutely nothing. at least not on purpose. so i'm not prepared for stuff like this.

thank the goddess i have a boyfriend who is insane. and believes in warm weather gear. and actually owns things like.. jackets! and gloves! because without him.. and this amazing jacket he let me wear all weekend, i probably would have died. just like i said in my twitter.

then the wind kicked in. and while i was super happy to have that amazing coat thing.. i was still freezing my ass off. everywhere that coat wasn't, was cold. i don't like being cold. at.all.

i also had a brilliant realization while at these games

see?

ster was not made to be all covered up and in layers. ster was made to be free.. in tank tops and happy clothes. winter clothes are not happy clothes!

so um.. is it cold where you are?

daddy issues.. got em?

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 18:31:00 +0000

for most of my life i grew up thinking that my family was pretty standard. i mean, aside from the previous marriages (for both my mom and my dad) and having a brother i've still never met (he lives in germany).... i just always thought that my family was ... well..

normal.

you know, no real drama. nothing too crazy. everyone got along. parents were still married. normal.

i was 19 when i learned the first time that we were definitely not normal. every illusion i had had about what kind of family we were... what kind of people my family members were.. was broken. jagged bits of pieces stuck out of me everywhere and i tried desperately to put myself back together.

everything i thought i knew... every ounce of feeling safe.. every ounce of feeling anything normal... it was all gone. certain people wanted it all swept back under the rug it had just come from. rebury what was just unearthed. but this time, bury it further away. and deeper. and make sure that it never comes back to the surface. let's pretend it didn't happen. but mostly, let's never speak of it again. not even to eachother.

i wasn't sure i'd ever get past what i had learned. i wasn't sure things could ever go back to being.. normal again. how could it? how could things ever be the same, when nothing was the same anymore?

but time is a funny thing. what was once so blatantly screaming at you in the face for 24 hours a day... starts to stop. with time, that scream becomes a whisper. until you no longer hear it on a daily basis. you can't ever completely undo what has already been done. but apparently, this thing you've discovered.. this thing that changed everything you thought you knew about your family.. it grows quiet with time.

i was 30 when i learned again that our family wasn't normal. or wait, maybe we were. or at least maybe he was. typical male behavior. cheating. leaving. more broken shattered pieces of people left scattered on the pavement below.

for someone who never felt like she had daddy issues growing up... i sure have them now. to say what my father has done to my family hasn't affected me as a grown woman, would be a complete lie. i am affected. and it's all sorts of fucked up to think that you're going to be one of the rare ones who doesn't have parental issues.... like you got away unscathed. and you think you're in the clear- 30 years old.. if you weren't going to have parent issues by now, you weren't going to have them. BZZZZZZZZ! wrong ster!

so that brings me to this: it seems like almost every woman i know has some sort of daddy issue. their dad did something that screwed them all up. or affected them in ways they can't "fix." and so that begs the question... are all dads fucked up? can men just not get it right? or are all daughters looking for excuses for their messed up behaviors? do the women grow up and realize they can pin certain things on the men in their lives, so they point fingers at their dads?

i'm curious if you have daddy issues... or maybe mom issues. talk to me about them. get to spilling in the comments.

new moon madness (in pictures)

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 19:39:00 +0000

once upon a time, a bunch of co-workers (who are also friends) decided to go see new moon at midnight.

it's not like we were the only freaks wanting to do this- hence, the FULL notes next to all the midnight showings.

and you know... the hordes of people waiting in line.

even david archuletta was there. but he didn't sing.

there were girls with homemade t-shirts. yes, i took pictures of underage strange girls. i totally felt like a child molestor asking them if i could take their picture, but LOOK at their shirts!!! SO cute and the girls freaking loved it! they were like "YEAH YOU CAN!!!!!" and started posing and stuff. so see, as long as they're willing, it's all okay. heh.

can i just mention though how many "team jacob" shirts there were this time compared to last year? it's like everyone just jumped edward's ship because the stupid wolf gained 30 pounds in muscle. listen, i appreciate what the kid has done to his abs, but that doesn't mean i'm on team jacob.
hardly.
and this always pissed me off about the books too (you know, while i'm on the subject)... you can't try and make this into some insanely soulful, time doesn't matter, i've waited for you for 108 years, intense love story- and then have her just love someone else too. that shit doesn't work!!!!! either that stupid bella loves edward in a way that CAN NOT COMPARE TO ANY OTHER LOVE, or she doesn't. she can't have both. you don't love someone with the fire of a thousand suns, only to be like "well i love jacob too" the next day. it's either true fucking deep love, or it's not. stupid stephanie meyer. i hate you.

moving on.

good lord.

*breathes*

julie brought in these cupcakes for us to munch in while we were waiting for HOURS before the movie started. aren't they pretty?

then this guy was like "YOU CAN'T BRING THOSE IN!!!!" all pissy and yelling at us like we were 12. we could have been that fucker's mom. i mean, if we were dirty sluts when we were 11 or something, but still. he was slightly stressed- i mean, look how fast he's walking! maybe he's part vampire with anger issues?

we talked and possibly chuckled at someone dressed from head to toe in pink. someone may have forced me to take a picture of her, but i refuse to put it up here... cause... it's mean. and she's young. and what if she found this blog with this picture of her on it and i was making fun of her? i mean, really? i just look like the total bitch. which apparently i am. but i won't put her pic up.
not putting up the pic of the pink energizer bunny girl.
won't do it.
did i mention she had pink hair too?
no? well, she did.

the end.

no really.

i have no more pictures.

so that's it.

story is over.

thanks for coming.

traditions

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 20:59:00 +0000

like most families.. i like to bake. and the holiday's are when i go a little bat shit bake crazy. weekend i baked snickerdoodles, and peanut butter balls and i made the sugar cookie dough so that blake and i could make them when he came home. i figured i'd make whatever else later.

i remember growing up with my mom and baking all day long. my job was to roll the snickerdoodles in the cinnamon and sugar.. and not eat them *ahem.* i got to roll and cut out the sugar cookies. eating half the frosting and frosting the cookies with the rest. eating chocolate chip cookie dough. it was a mess, but it was fun. and it completely makes me think of christmas. so now that's what i try to do in my house. cookies with mom. cookies with blake. it's what we do.

but this weekend... the boys came home from camping and promptly started to feed themselves. they got out the leftover turkey.. and the popped what they thought was mashed taters into the microwave. about this time, i opened the refrigerator door and searched high and low for the sugar cookie dough. then i looked in the microwave. and in a huge blob of warm mess, sat the cookie dough....

i stopped the microwave and then started cracking up. and then laughed harder at the thought of blake scooping the dough out on his plate.. loading it up with butter.. and then wondering why it tasted so sweet?!?!

the mashed taters were still in the fridge. you know, cold.

the dough was/is ruined.

but that's okay. i'll just make more.

what are your holiday traditions?

healing 4 anissa!

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 06:37:00 +0000

i know it's late notice, but i thought that if we don't get the word out quick enough.. well, this could just be the first session....i mean, if we need others (i'll schedule them better).

i mentioned on anissa's facebook page about wanting to schedule a set time and day so that we could all focus our healing and loving energies on her at the same time. i know how many lives she touched and just the thought of us all concentrating ON her at once.. overwhelms me just to think about!

well people are all for it and they don't want to wait....

and i think they're right.

our 1st healing 4 anissa:

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 26 (thanksgiving day in the us)
6pm PST/9pm EST

(i tried to pick times that would work for both coasts.. people on the west coast, stuff your faces earlier than 6pm thanks. ha ha!)

i suggest that each person look at a picture of anissa while doing this if possible. you can look at her facebook profile picture (which is what i'll be doing).. or her twitter profile picture. i think if we collectively look at similiar images, all while focusing love and healing thoughts on her.. well, WHO KNOWS! miracles could happen!

i'm really excited, and i hope you are too!

please spread the word on twitter.. i've started the hashtag #heal4anissa .. i'll be on twitter before we start the healing and during.. @jennster

thanks everyone for WANTING to do this.. and for participating.
it couldn't hurt right?

we love you anissa!!!

wondering who anissa is? come out from under your rock and read this post.

jacob. you know the one.

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 22:05:00 +0000

don't sit here and be like "jacob who?" cause i'll call your bullshit. even if you don't read twilight or see the movies, you fucking know who jacob is.

we're on the same page now?

good.

you all know that he had to gain 30 pounds of pure muscle to keep his role for the 2nd movie, right? of course you know this. every woman in existance knows this.

it's possible that when jacob ripped his shirt off in new moon, that i might have yelled "TAKE IT ALL OFF" in a theatre full of screaming girls, in between my laughter.

and well. that leads me the grocery store this past weekend.... when boyfriend came with me. and jacob was on the cover of some abs for gods magazine or something. and obviously i made some sort of comment. or some sort of face. or possible drooled.

to which boyfriend reminded me how fucking hypocritical it is of me to be all COUGARTOWN on this kid.. and talking about how he gained 30 pounds of muscle ALL RIGHT HERE *pointing to chest area* and how much i'd flip out if he liked some underaged whore with 30 pounds of fat ALL RIGHT HERE *pointing to chest area*

he's totally right.

but i think i spent the next hour trying to convince him that i am so not the only one who's talking like this! and i'm so not the only grown up who is talking like this. and it's not like i really want the kid. because really, he is a kid... but he's fun to look at. and still, he thinks i'm crazy. or a cougar. or a slut.

so i need your help dammit! TELL HIM! tell him now! tell him that jacob makes you want to do bad things to him. tell him that it's uncontrollable and you can't help yourself.. it's the wolf powers. jacob made you do it.

even if you're lying.. do it for me.

it's all downhill from here

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 21:59:00 +0000

last week was crazy for me. i was home late everynight and i saw the midnight screening of new moon (omg, i almost typed full moon. ha) on thursday night.. then i was in LA friday for work and spent the rest of the weekend there (cause really, why the hell would i leave?).

i came home yesterday and while lounging in bed talking.. boyfriend said to me, "you know what i just realized?......

you talk..

a lot."

we've been together for SIX years and he's just now realizing that i talk a lot??

either it takes him this long to get annoyed with my personality traits, or um.. he's not very perceptive.

did i like new moon?

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 21:28:00 +0000

that's the question i'm still trying to figure out.... the morning after seeing the movie. granted, i am freaking tired as hell, but still..

i don't know how to answer the question, and trust me when i tell you that EVERYONE IS ASKING ME!!!!

i can tell you this- i definitely was not as pissed off and horrified at its terribleness like i was when i walked out of twilight last year. that movie was a colossal disappointment on so many levels.

so i didn't hate new moon, that much is true.

but i didn't love it either.

and as any fan of the books will tell you... you really WANT to love the movies. you are willing to cut it so much slack- but there's only so much rope you can give this movie before it hangs itself.

i'm really stuck on what the problem essentially is. is it the writer of the script? or is she bound by so many rules, and so many other people that she couldn't create something worthy? or does she just kind of suck at telling stories? i honestly don't know.

what twilight and new moon were both missing..... were developed stories. i still don't understand how anyone who didn't read these books could enjoy these movies. there are so many holes.. so many half explanations.. so many UGH... i don't know. it's just that the story isn't developed. it isn't well written. WRITE A GOOD STORY. just write it well.

and then bring it life onscreen.

i don't think that's asking too much.

and the acting. good lord, i love love love jacob, but really? the acting is painful at times... or maybe it's the lines he is trying to bring to life and they are just so horrible that no one could make them sound decent.. or maybe it's the directing.. or maybe it's just all of it. and alice. i love the look and everything about her style. but her acting.. her delivery... it's terrible.

this book was painful when i read it. emotionally painful. the parts where bella and edward are together are a deeply intense love story. a soulful, more than soulmates kind of intensity. that completely does not come through onscreen. and the fact that SO much of the dialogue from the movie was directly from the book, doesn't help either. listen, it's one thing to read words on paper and imagine them in your head and they sound amazing. they totally work. but it's another thing to bring those words to life onscreen and have an actor read them (trust me on this one, it's my job). and when it doesn't work... doesn't sound natural.. isn't believable.. YOU CHANGE THE DIALOGUE. it can still say the same thing.. still have the same meaning.. but you say it differently. you change the wording. YOU MAKE IT WORK.

and it just doesn't. you can't take the books word for word and expect them to work onscreen. you have to adjust things. you have to change dialogue. you have to make things real. and this movie is lacking that in every aspect when it comes to the emotions... and what needs to be portrayed.

and really people.. would it be that fucking hard to have bella smile ONE FUCKING TIME in this entire movie??? that's why people hate her.. or feel like they can't relate to her. who is that miserable all.the.time???

oh yeah... and edward actually physically appearing??? so not necessary. i think it would have been 100 times more effective had she simply heard him and not seen him. cause then when we DO finally see him again- it would have been a million times more exciting and rewarding.

i know it sounds like i hated the movie, but i really didn't. i just wanted better... again. i wanted the story to develop properly and make sense and flow and not feel forced. but it doesn't... and it does feel forced... and nothing feels natural (except bella's constant miserable state of non smiling being).

i hate it when this happens.

and i'm sure it will happen again in june of 2010.. cause apparently that's when these crackheads at summit think eclipse will be ready for theatres. ARE YOU CRAZY??

because i love her

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 20:51:00 +0000

because WE love her.

i'm not on twitter or facebook often enough to keep up with what the hell is going on in everyone's life on a minute to minute basis. so that explains why when anissa had a freaking stroke tuesday, i had no fucking clue. and why had i not gotten a text from becky, i probably still wouldn't know. ok i'm being way melodramatic... i'm sure i'd know by now.

i was so saddened by the news. i just kept thinking about how much i genuinely LIKE her. how fucking funny she is. how much i love our twitters to eachother (stupid kittehs). and how excited i was to finally meet her at blogher '10. and then i immediately thought of izzy. for some reason, i associate the 2 of them together. i think it's because i found anissa through iz. and they always seem to be together. and i adore izzy, so i could only imagine how she was feeling right now.

i've pretty much been glued to twitter ever since. glued to her caring bridge page. hitting refresh over and over again just hoping for MORE!! POSITIVE!! UPDATES!! and i don't kid myself into thinking i'm the only one.

i just want her to be ok.

there is a paypal site set up for family donations. anissa has 3 amazing children- her cancer surviving, kindergarten daughter, awesome 3rd grade daugher, and kick ass 6th grade son. not to mention a wonderful and caring husband. i can't imagine what it's like for them without her right now. i'm sure they need all the help they can get. please consider a donation, or a care package. i know times are tough right now, and i would never ask someone who didn't have it, to donate. but if you do have it. if you can help, please do so. and thank you.

Cards & packages can be sent to:
860 Johnson Ferry Road 140-184
Atlanta, GA 30342

we all love you anissa. we're pulling for you. we're fighting with you. and we'll be here for you every step of the way. don't you give up on us. we're never giving up on you.

we need you.

posts about anissa:

i'm trying to read new moon again

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 16:25:00 +0000

before the movie comes out and i see it at MIDNIGHT ON THURSDAY! **insert girly squeels here**

but the thing is?

it's REALLY pissing me off.

making these books into a movie has really fucked with my head. i have no idea WHO edward and bella were in my mind when i read the books the first time... but they sure as shit were not kristen "i hate my life. why is being a celebrity SO hard!!! i never smile because i'm not happy. what the hell do i have to be happy about?? would YOU be happy if you were me?" stewart, or robert "thank god for my teeth, cause even though they're all fucked up, they're about the only thing that's hot on me.. well them and my unwashed, unkept hair" pattinson.

but now.

nowwwwwwwwww
i am TRYING to read this book.

and i am trying to read it the same way i read it before there were casting decisions made and those people were put on the big screen.

and.i.can't.

all i keep seeing in my mind when i read the lines, or imagine the scene, are kristen and robert. i see THEIR edward. and THEIR bella.

and it's kind of ruining everything.

**disclaimer- the edward casting doesn't bother me nearly as much as the bella casting. i think it's because she seems so unlikeable as a person. and even though bella is a whiney and annoying character in the book, kristen really brings it to life by being the same way. so while it may be brilliant casting, it's also stupid because aren't you supposed to LIKE the main character and not wish death upon her in every scene? please don't get me started on her voice or the way in which she speaks. *shoves hot pokers in ears* and yes, i'll feel like a bitch when our paths inevitably cross (because that shit always happens to me) and then i'll write some post taking it all back and i'll understand why she is the way she is. and i'll like her a lot in person and i will have been wrong. and sometimes i'm really judgemental because it's easy to judge and talk shit about people you don't know, and think you'll never know.. or run into. but really, I SHOULD KNOW BETTER! because i do end up running into these people, or having mutual friends, or working with them, etc. but does it stop me? obviously not. fuck. kristen, i'm sorry. let's be friends. end disclaimer**

maintaining privacy

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 20:10:00 +0000

some people think that it's a conflict of interest if you claim to want privacy, yet have profiles on sites like facebook and myspace. they think that you can't possibly want privacy when it comes to your life, if you choose to put yourself out there in that way.

but i completely disagree.

you wouldn't know it i'm sure... but there are some aspects of my life where i am viciously private. and while i do have lots of ways that you can get in touch with me online- i like to be in control of most of it.

for example-

i have a blog..

a personal website..

a message board/forum..

a twitter..

a flickr..

a myspace

and a facebook.

yep, i have them all.

and do i still want privacy when it comes to certain areas of my life? you're damn fucking right i do.

my blog is totally controlled by me. i choose what i want and don't want to write about on it. so if there is something i don't want to talk about in regards to my life... i don't. and no one is any the wiser (until i write things like "i really want to talk about this but i cannnnnnn't"). anything i choose to reveal, is by choice. it's silly to think we know every aspect of someone's life because we read their blog. how little do we really reveal in the grand scheme of things?

my personal website is also totally controlled by me. i design it and decide what i want to put on it. it's basically full of pictures and has kind of become almost pointless now with all the other sites out there... but i still can't stand the thought of letting it go. anything that is on my website, i am obviously okay with it being there.

my message board. my forum. my ster-munity. i've had this message board community for almost 9 years now. NINE YEARS!!! this board is a huge reason why i've never really gotten uber involved in myspace, facebook, or twitter. because i post daily in my forum- there seems little reason to post elsewhere. i post in there and talk about all sorts of things (way more than i do anywhere else online). but of course, like everywhere else, i choose to post what i do in there knowing it's in the open. but that's also the reason why there are private folders in the forum that only certain members can see. there are lots of things the people who post there wouldn't want just anyone to be able to access or read. so even on a public message board, there are still ways to have private conversations.

there is a reason my twitter updates are private. it's the same reason why my facebook is private. and my myspace (not that i ever go on there). yes i have profiles on social networking sites, but if you aren't my friend, you can't see my profile, or my pictures, or what i choose to write on them. and you can only see these things if i approve you. and i like having that kind of control.

and with flickr.. well i have the option to make certain pictures either private, or so only certain people can see them. and believe me when i tell you that i certainly utilize that feature.

so yeah.. i do want privacy when it comes to certain aspects of my life. and i don't think it's hypocritical to maintain all sorts of online profiles, and still expect that certain things remain private.

do you?

cryptic blog posts

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 18:16:00 +0000

sometimes i have to be cryptic here.

i wish i didn't have to be.

i wish i could say everything i wanted too without worrying about the consequences... but that's not realistic.

at least not for me.

sometimes i want to start a new blog that no one would know about where i could spew venom and all my frustrations without the worry of "what if the person i'm writing about reads this?". but really, nothing about what i just said is positive at all- so maybe it's a good thing i don't have a space to do nothing but spew anger. it's not that i'm nice all the time here, it's just that, like i've said before, i'd like to be able to not candy coat shit. and i'd like to be able to talk about the things that are TRULY upsetting me. or frustrating me. or things that simply ARE NOT RIGHT.

but i feel like i can't. because doing things like that- writing about what is really going on in my life... will have consequences i'm not yet prepared to deal with. and it's almost not fair, because isn't that the whole point of having a blog to begin with? to be able to vent and talk and get out what you need too?

here's the thing....

i want to write about how i deserve more. how i don't deserve to be treated so poorly on a continous basis. how the things that i've been asked to put up with and the things that have been said to me, are simply.. not okay. i love myself and care about my soul & spiritual well being far more than anyone else ever will.
it's not that i'm prideful to the point of seeing things blindly.
it's not that my ego is so self important that nothing else matters.
it's just that i firmly believe in standing up for myself. especially when no one else will.
i know what is and isn't right for me.
and right now.... things aren't right. and they're not okay. and it's not okay with me anymore.... not that it ever was. the time to stand up for myself is drawing near..

but i can't write about all of that.

oh wait.

i just did.

oops.

pictures!!!!!

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 19:45:00 +0000

no more bitching about the lack of pictures lately. it's not that i haven't been taking any... it's just that i haven't been uploading them! SO! some of these are old, but TOO BAD.

suck it.

i decorated the house for halloween! i had a cute boo sign, and a scary graveyard (not too scary). yes, our house has rocks and gravel shit out front. it's time for paver stones, but i haven't picked any out yet. i'm lazy. and broke. and plus i thought it suited the graveyard anyway!

then blake dressed up as a zombie. he was scary. and looked very happy. see?

one day boyfriend and i went for a ride in his truck. that's me getting in. or something. i blame the blurry picture on the photographer.

we went to visit boyfriend's parents in bodega bay. and if you ever go there, you have to go to the crab shack thing. they have DELISH crab sandwiches!! and this guy lives in the front yard of someone's house. he makes me smile. it's possible that i might be tempted to steal him if he wasn't as big as i was.

then remember how i told you that we went to a baseball tournament?

he is all sorts of awesome. just like his mama.

and i might have mentioned venturing into old town sac? and eating crab? and how i said that post would have been so much better with pictures? yeah. shut it.

i really liked these lanterns. and i loved the charm of old town. i kept waiting for someone on a horse to bust out of a saloon shooting his gun or something. but that never happened. they should really spice things up over there.

the only thing that can explain the fact that i took pictures of pigeons for fucks sake is the fact that i had too much to drink. which means, i had ONE cocktail. cheapest.date.ever.

but also probably the funnest.

crazy dreams & old town sac

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 18:42:00 +0000

i had an insane dream last night where a freaking alligator was literally trying to kill me. but you better bet your ass that i grabbed that fucking thing by his snout and swung him around and threw him crazy far. then i ran like hell.

but what did that alligator full of vengeance do? he found me. and i was with 3 other girls running in a pitch black warehouse type place and i saw the shadow of the gator and i screamed to the girl that he was behind her but she didn't hear me.. or didn't something.. beacause he mauled her and killed her. and i was racked with guilt because the stupid thing was trying to kill me, but he must have thought she was me, and now this poor innocent girl was dead, when it was supposed to be me.

yes, in my dream, this alligator was personally trying to attack and kill me.

issues much?

this weekend we were in sac town for blake's baseball tournament. boyfriend and i went down to old sac, and i can't even remember the last time i was there. i wanted to take pictures of everything, but i was so fucking hungry, i couldn't think about doing anything else except stuffing my face with food. so we walked along the wood planks.. and i tried to break my ankle more than once. we passed what seemed like 50 candy stores that probably all sold the same things. it was still really really cute. i found it very charming and i realize that this story would be so much better with pictures, but i suck k? thanks for reminding me.

anyway, we found ourselves right on the river's edge waiting to be seated at joe's crab shack. that place was packed and played loud music and the waitresses danced to "come on ride the train.. you can ride it.. woot woot." it was weird. cute, but weird. especially since they just did the same little dance routine over and over again. bottom line, the song was too long. now they know. you're welcome. while we waited for our table, i might have asked the bartender if they had diet cranberry so i could have a vodka cran. she might have told me that that was the weirdest question she's ever been asked. i might have responded with "really? THAT was the weirdest question you've ever been asked??!?!" and then thought she doesn't get out much. or that she bartends in a place that really isn't a bar. because really? that question... while kind of annoying.. not really that weird. i bet so cal bars have diet cran. hahaha. i bet they don't.

the crab was good. but what kind of seafood place doesn't have any bread? i really wanted ~~(needed)~~ some bread ~~(to soak up the vodka)~~ because i was starving. not sure i'd go back there again. nothing was wrong with it, but nothing was too special about it either. i dunno. i might have been too freaking hungry to appreciate it properly. once the pot of crab sat in front of me, i honestly don't remember ever looking up again until it was time to go. oh, it's still light outside. who knew? i take my crab eating very seriously.

know what would be great with this story? pictures.

yeah, i know.

so how was your weekend?

do you see what i see?

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 19:46:00 +0000

great.. now i have that xmas song in my head..

now you probably do too. ha

listen, i need to ask you something. so if you're in a feedreader, do me a favor and click on over! i've redecorated for fall. so can you see the falling leaves in the post? are they fucking up your computer, or is all well?

just asking because while i love the falling leaves and think they are super fun... if they're messing with people's browsers or whatnot, then i'll take them off.

can't have an unfunctioning blog!!!! dur.

that's kind of all i have to say. i'm super interesting. hee

there is a bunch of stuff i'd like to tell you. but i can't. not that i can't. i just shouldn't at this point. too many people i wish weren't aware of this blog, are aware. they hinder how honest i can be. they definitely make me unable to write about certain things. i hate that. but hopefully soon i'll be able to be more open and spill the beans and talk all about it until it's probably all i talk about and you'll be praying for the day you come here and there isn't a fucking blog post about this one subject.

ha.

until then.. here's a picture of me driving my rental car in la from tuesday.
LOVE CONVERTIBLES!!!
LOVE HOT WEATHER!!!
LOVE TANGLED MESSY HAIR THAT MAKES ME CRY WHEN I TRY TO BRUSH IT!!!
(not really, that part is sad.)

and so it begins...

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 17:46:00 +0000

again.

new moon.

i am so freaking excited! i think it looks better than twilight, and we all know how craptastic i thought that one was. i.can't.wait. CAN'T WAIT! i'm going to read the book again before the movie so i can remember everything. i remember that i hauled ass through new moon because it hurt so bad. i couldn't take the pain of edward being gone, so i knew if i got to the end of the book, he'd be back eventually. i couldn't drag that shit out.. i couldn't take it. HA.

can we please just acknowledge the fact that even though in the books i am totally team edward, jacob is looking a-freaking-mazing in this movie. i might jump ship. do you think he has his shirt off the whole movie?? although i'd much rather be on team edwacob and let bella just die. i kind of hate her.

anyway. we're all abuzz here at work and we're so excited for the midnight screening and well... this is what happens i guess... when you're crazy?? or obsessed?? or um.. a girl??

apparently we're white trash

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 19:29:00 +0000

blake came home yesterday and he was pissed off. he had just gotten into a verbal argument with one of his friends. i think they tend to do this more and more the older they get.. i don't know, it just seems to happen a lot lately.

so he was telling us what happened and then he goes "he called me white trash. what is white trash? what does that even mean???" and i went through a gamet of emotions. all at once i was so sad for my little boy (who is so not little) because he was called a name he didn't understand. and then i was so happy that he had never heard that term before and wasn't familiar with such bullshit name calling. and then i was angry that his friend did know the term and felt the need to spew it onto my kid. and then i was mad some more wondering where the fuck the kid heard it from in the first place? do his parents walk around their house calling people those kinds of names? or did someone at school say it to him? i have no idea where he heard it, all i know is that now he called my kid it.

blake's little face was so sad. he was so confused and angry, but he was hurt at being called that name. and he just didn't understand it. any of it. he told me that once his friend called him that, he responded with, "yeah, whatever that even means. you are too." i had to stop myself from cracking up. i could just imagine his face trying to figure out just what the hell he was just called, and was it supposed to be a bad thing?

but today i'm still a little pissed. i mean, are we teaching and allowing our kids to talk to eachother this way? it's not that far off from calling people racist names. granted, i don't think white trash is the equivalent of some of the other horrifying words people choose to call people of other races. but still. it's offensive. it's meant to be offensive. it's meant to be hurtful. it's not said to be nice. and i'm just pissed off about it. pissed off that at that kids age (10 years old), that's how he talks. and that's how he's talking to my kid. and i don't want my kid to be around assholes who talk this way. and i know i can't control it or stop how other kids speak to my kid, but it still sucks.

i like the fact that blake had no idea what that meant. that he had never heard that term before. i liked that. you know?

the post where i realize wearing nothing but panties and a bra will totally get me free drinks. right?

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 17:26:00 +0000

i fucking love halloween!!! i am so excited that it's tomorrow! i just wish i felt better. yeah, i am feeling kinda sickly. all the signs of a fever, minus the fever. weird right? my body is super achy and i don't have a lot of energy. i feel run down. and old. just kidding. i never feel old. anyway, who wants to come be my nursemaid? you have to dress up.

speaking of dressing up. you know the costumes that they sell for us chicks? the ones that everyone likes to call "slutty." (in all honesty, i've probably called them slutty before)

the thing is, i remember trying one on either last year or the year before. and pretty much other than going bathing suit shopping, nothing has made me feel so bad about myself. that's right. IT MADE ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MYSELF! i didn't choose to feel bad, the costume made me do it!!! suck it. but to tell you the truth, if my ass and thighs were not the size of china at the moment (or if the costume actually was long enough to cover my entire ass), i would totally rock one of these slutty ass costumes. and i wouldn't feel bad about it. i'd feel hot. so i think everyone who hates them, is just mad they can't wear them. ha.

maybe i'll just walk around the neighborhood in my new sexy bra and panties and just tell people i'm a victoria secret plus size model. that's totally normal and wouldn't embarrass blake at all.

the neighborhood we live in is super cute though. it seems like every house is out mingling and the parents pull wagons full of things to make drinks, like hot toddy's and whatever else will keep you warm. how fun is that? i bet if i wear underwear and a bra i'll totally get all the drinks i want for free. and i bet the mom's will hate me. whatever. it's not like they don't have their own underwear they could have worn out in public. they're just mad they didn't think of it first. it's like i'm the only creative person around or something. jeez. i bet i totally start a trend and next year all the moms are traipsing around in their vickie's secret gear and we become like the most popular place in all of the town to trick or treat at. and then i bet some other mom will try to take credit for the idea and say that she started it and i'll be like "say what bitch? you started what?" and she'll try to say she did it first, but years ago before i even lived here and i'll be like "oh no you did'nnnnt" and then i'll bitch slap her and it will be on. and of course i'll win cause i am an ass kicker.

oh yeah.

i am such a fucking trend setter.

i am always so shocked

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 22:34:00 +0000

and surprised when i discover new blogs!

i mean, i run in circles where i feel like i kind of know who everyone is... or at least i've heard of them before... say you are a mom blogger- you kind of feel like you have some sort of handle on who the mom blog crowd is, right?

but then i'll happen upon a blog and they'll have like 80 freaking comments in each post and so i'll look to see if we have mutual readers and every single commenter will be someone i've never heard of before.

so then i'll visit all these "new to me" people and i realize just how many circles there are out there. and how it's funny to think i'd know everyone- or at least be familiar with most people. but there they are! all these other blogs. mom's.. single people.. engaged... newly married.. without kids.. etc..

there are so many of us out there!!!!! so many!!!! it's super exciting i think!

i know i'm a total dork, but it's been really fun for me to find all these new, super hot and cool chick's the last week or so!!! :)

it's been awesome to REopen my eyes to the fact that i don't know everyone.. and none of us do- cause there are so many other amazing people out there, we forget to go find them cause we get complacent in the people we've already found.

i'm out to find some more!

ghost stories

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 15:01:00 +0000

i love ghost stories.

true ghost stories.

whenever i travel to the south, i always go on haunted history tours. i fucking love stuff like that. i love hearing about the location i'm at and mostly, i just think it's cool.

nothing amazing has ever happened to me on one of the tours, aside from getting crazy feelings and goosebumps and of course, freaking myself out to the point of wanting to scream and run from a confederate graveyard. but other than that.... nothing out of the ordinary. lol

but what about you? do you have any good ghost stories? do you have any good haunted links to things that are supposed to be real and true?

share them with me, please!!!! i live for this shit!!!! and it's the perfect time of year for it (dur)