jennster :o)

do you see what i see?

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 19:46:00 +0000

great.. now i have that xmas song in my head..

now you probably do too. ha

listen, i need to ask you something. so if you're in a feedreader, do me a favor and click on over! i've redecorated for fall. so can you see the falling leaves in the post? are they fucking up your computer, or is all well?

just asking because while i love the falling leaves and think they are super fun... if they're messing with people's browsers or whatnot, then i'll take them off.

can't have an unfunctioning blog!!!! dur.

that's kind of all i have to say. i'm super interesting. hee

there is a bunch of stuff i'd like to tell you. but i can't. not that i can't. i just shouldn't at this point. too many people i wish weren't aware of this blog, are aware. they hinder how honest i can be. they definitely make me unable to write about certain things. i hate that. but hopefully soon i'll be able to be more open and spill the beans and talk all about it until it's probably all i talk about and you'll be praying for the day you come here and there isn't a fucking blog post about this one subject.

ha.

until then.. here's a picture of me driving my rental car in la from tuesday.
LOVE CONVERTIBLES!!!
LOVE HOT WEATHER!!!
LOVE TANGLED MESSY HAIR THAT MAKES ME CRY WHEN I TRY TO BRUSH IT!!!
(not really, that part is sad.)

and so it begins...

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 17:46:00 +0000

again.

new moon.

i am so freaking excited! i think it looks better than twilight, and we all know how craptastic i thought that one was. i.can't.wait. CAN'T WAIT! i'm going to read the book again before the movie so i can remember everything. i remember that i hauled ass through new moon because it hurt so bad. i couldn't take the pain of edward being gone, so i knew if i got to the end of the book, he'd be back eventually. i couldn't drag that shit out.. i couldn't take it. HA.

can we please just acknowledge the fact that even though in the books i am totally team edward, jacob is looking a-freaking-mazing in this movie. i might jump ship. do you think he has his shirt off the whole movie?? although i'd much rather be on team edwacob and let bella just die. i kind of hate her.

anyway. we're all abuzz here at work and we're so excited for the midnight screening and well... this is what happens i guess... when you're crazy?? or obsessed?? or um.. a girl??

apparently we're white trash

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 19:29:00 +0000

blake came home yesterday and he was pissed off. he had just gotten into a verbal argument with one of his friends. i think they tend to do this more and more the older they get.. i don't know, it just seems to happen a lot lately.

so he was telling us what happened and then he goes "he called me white trash. what is white trash? what does that even mean???" and i went through a gamet of emotions. all at once i was so sad for my little boy (who is so not little) because he was called a name he didn't understand. and then i was so happy that he had never heard that term before and wasn't familiar with such bullshit name calling. and then i was angry that his friend did know the term and felt the need to spew it onto my kid. and then i was mad some more wondering where the fuck the kid heard it from in the first place? do his parents walk around their house calling people those kinds of names? or did someone at school say it to him? i have no idea where he heard it, all i know is that now he called my kid it.

blake's little face was so sad. he was so confused and angry, but he was hurt at being called that name. and he just didn't understand it. any of it. he told me that once his friend called him that, he responded with, "yeah, whatever that even means. you are too." i had to stop myself from cracking up. i could just imagine his face trying to figure out just what the hell he was just called, and was it supposed to be a bad thing?

but today i'm still a little pissed. i mean, are we teaching and allowing our kids to talk to eachother this way? it's not that far off from calling people racist names. granted, i don't think white trash is the equivalent of some of the other horrifying words people choose to call people of other races. but still. it's offensive. it's meant to be offensive. it's meant to be hurtful. it's not said to be nice. and i'm just pissed off about it. pissed off that at that kids age (10 years old), that's how he talks. and that's how he's talking to my kid. and i don't want my kid to be around assholes who talk this way. and i know i can't control it or stop how other kids speak to my kid, but it still sucks.

i like the fact that blake had no idea what that meant. that he had never heard that term before. i liked that. you know?

the post where i realize wearing nothing but panties and a bra will totally get me free drinks. right?

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 17:26:00 +0000

i fucking love halloween!!! i am so excited that it's tomorrow! i just wish i felt better. yeah, i am feeling kinda sickly. all the signs of a fever, minus the fever. weird right? my body is super achy and i don't have a lot of energy. i feel run down. and old. just kidding. i never feel old. anyway, who wants to come be my nursemaid? you have to dress up.

speaking of dressing up. you know the costumes that they sell for us chicks? the ones that everyone likes to call "slutty." (in all honesty, i've probably called them slutty before)

the thing is, i remember trying one on either last year or the year before. and pretty much other than going bathing suit shopping, nothing has made me feel so bad about myself. that's right. IT MADE ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MYSELF! i didn't choose to feel bad, the costume made me do it!!! suck it. but to tell you the truth, if my ass and thighs were not the size of china at the moment (or if the costume actually was long enough to cover my entire ass), i would totally rock one of these slutty ass costumes. and i wouldn't feel bad about it. i'd feel hot. so i think everyone who hates them, is just mad they can't wear them. ha.

maybe i'll just walk around the neighborhood in my new sexy bra and panties and just tell people i'm a victoria secret plus size model. that's totally normal and wouldn't embarrass blake at all.

the neighborhood we live in is super cute though. it seems like every house is out mingling and the parents pull wagons full of things to make drinks, like hot toddy's and whatever else will keep you warm. how fun is that? i bet if i wear underwear and a bra i'll totally get all the drinks i want for free. and i bet the mom's will hate me. whatever. it's not like they don't have their own underwear they could have worn out in public. they're just mad they didn't think of it first. it's like i'm the only creative person around or something. jeez. i bet i totally start a trend and next year all the moms are traipsing around in their vickie's secret gear and we become like the most popular place in all of the town to trick or treat at. and then i bet some other mom will try to take credit for the idea and say that she started it and i'll be like "say what bitch? you started what?" and she'll try to say she did it first, but years ago before i even lived here and i'll be like "oh no you did'nnnnt" and then i'll bitch slap her and it will be on. and of course i'll win cause i am an ass kicker.

oh yeah.

i am such a fucking trend setter.

i am always so shocked

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 22:34:00 +0000

and surprised when i discover new blogs!

i mean, i run in circles where i feel like i kind of know who everyone is... or at least i've heard of them before... say you are a mom blogger- you kind of feel like you have some sort of handle on who the mom blog crowd is, right?

but then i'll happen upon a blog and they'll have like 80 freaking comments in each post and so i'll look to see if we have mutual readers and every single commenter will be someone i've never heard of before.

so then i'll visit all these "new to me" people and i realize just how many circles there are out there. and how it's funny to think i'd know everyone- or at least be familiar with most people. but there they are! all these other blogs. mom's.. single people.. engaged... newly married.. without kids.. etc..

there are so many of us out there!!!!! so many!!!! it's super exciting i think!

i know i'm a total dork, but it's been really fun for me to find all these new, super hot and cool chick's the last week or so!!! :)

it's been awesome to REopen my eyes to the fact that i don't know everyone.. and none of us do- cause there are so many other amazing people out there, we forget to go find them cause we get complacent in the people we've already found.

i'm out to find some more!

ghost stories

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 15:01:00 +0000

i love ghost stories.

true ghost stories.

whenever i travel to the south, i always go on haunted history tours. i fucking love stuff like that. i love hearing about the location i'm at and mostly, i just think it's cool.

nothing amazing has ever happened to me on one of the tours, aside from getting crazy feelings and goosebumps and of course, freaking myself out to the point of wanting to scream and run from a confederate graveyard. but other than that.... nothing out of the ordinary. lol

but what about you? do you have any good ghost stories? do you have any good haunted links to things that are supposed to be real and true?

share them with me, please!!!! i live for this shit!!!! and it's the perfect time of year for it (dur)

i think i just became a real woman. or something like it.

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 03:30:00 +0000

**warning to people who know and love me in real life... this post is about over the shoulder boulder holders and private area covers. more specifically, mine. so if you don't want to read about the things you find in victoria's secret, you might want to skip this post. word to your mom.**

i've never been one to have this fierce clothing style. sometimes i like really wacky, over the top shit- but most of the time, i'm pretty boring. i definitely choose comfort over style. i'm always in jeans and usually a tank top. i just like to be comfortable all the time. don't get me wrong, i normally have really, really, really cute tops and shoes, but still- they're paired with jeans 99.9% of the time. oooh, fashion goddesses beware!

so um.. the same goes for my bra and panties. at least it did... before yesterday!!!! i've always had super cute panties. but never sexy panties. same with my bras. i never saw the need. or maybe i'm just a complete moron who has been missing out on this fabulousness this whole fucking time. that is definitely always an option. anyway, comfort. comfort and cuteness.

yesterday i went shopping. and i wanted sexy. and i tried on sexy. panties. bra's. rahr. and i fell in love. with super cute matching lacy sexy shit. and so i bought some. and i came home and modeled it all for boyfriend and i think he died right there. but he has since asked me to model my new panties at least a dozen times, so i think i did something right here folks.

and let me tell you. i feel totally sexy in my new digs. i fucking LOVE them!!!! i love knowing i have these delicious little sexy panties on under my jeans. it's like this awesome secret i'm hiding that only boyfriend gets to uncover. it's so fun!! i love it!!! and um, everytime i go pee i get so excited at how cute my panties are. (i know, i'm weird, but i've never had sexy shit before!!!!)

so when i looked in my drawer, i realized that oh my god, all my underwear is like so college cute. college was SO long ago people. so now i want more!!! i want ALL sexy, fun underwear. i'm not kidding. i don't want any remnants of the "cute" little panties in my underwear drawer anymore. i want sexy panties. because i am sexy. and the sexy panties are totally hot. and the sexy bra's, are amazing.

i think this is what being a grown up is like.

the frosting gods are watching out for me

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 23:10:00 +0000

or something.

okay, so i've neglected to tell you all what i'm doing now! haha.. i'm doing phase 1 of south beach again (i did it back in january and have been able to maintain my weight this whole time- woot woot). i'm doing it because i still have these pesky and ultra annoying 10 pounds to lose. i'm sick of always feeling like i have 10 pounds to lose. so i'm going to lose these fuckers if it kills me. not really, cause i don't plan on dying. *knock on wood*

last time when i did the 2 week phase 1 thing.. i think i lost about 10 pounds. which i desperately needed cause um.. i was getting a bit too chunky for my monkey. talk about putting on the holiday pounds... i put on a small country. but it was hard. everyday was a fucking challenge. so yeah.. here i am again, doing this bullshit. i must really hate myself.

the thing that doesn't really make sense is why is it so hard? i mean, basically i'm cutting out breads, fruit and candy sugar for 2 weeks. it's not like i walk around the office with a loaf of bread in my mouth everyday, or even eat bready things all that often in the first place. ( although speaking of bread, i totally came to the realization this past weekend that it's not the bread i even want to eat.. IT'S THE BUTTER! the bread is just the excuse to eat ridiculous amounts of yummy, goodnessy, butter. omg, i love butter.) so i'm on day 4 and i've already lost 2 pounds. that's right bitches. but it is still freaking hard. not so much the bread or carby parts this time around... but i cannot STOP THINKING ABOUT CUPCAKES AND FROSTING!!!!!! it's no joke. cream cheese frosting is in my head all day long. i had a dream about it last night. i can't stop. it's all i think about.

and to further the torture.. listen to this!!!! i'm sitting in my office and my phone rings with someone from the commons (our food place at work). i answer and she goes "jenn... so and so made you a red velvet cupcake with extra extra extra cream cheese frosting on it! come down and get it!"

i hung up the phone and seriously debated on what to do. should i go down there and get it? i mean, i don't want to be rude. will i be able to get it and NOT eat it? oh lord, i shouldn't tempt myself like this.

i started walking down to the comm as if i was under a spell. my legs took me right to where i needed to go. the cupcake couldn't even be seen under the amount of frosting she had put on there for me. a piece of me died inside. there was a small blob of the frosting on the plate. i took my finger to it and dabbed a small amount into my mouth. all the while i'm yelling at myself "omg you cheater! stop it! you can do this for 2 weeks fatass, COME ON!!!"

it was soooo good.

but i knew i had to stop.

so i decided that i would walk back to my office and give it to someone, or put it in the kitchen. as i was walking, like a normal person does, the cupcake out of nowhere just tumbled off the plate it was on and onto the floor, frosting first. there was a huge ass blob of frosting all over the carpet, and this little cupcake butt sticking up. i started laughing so hard. you should have seen me trying to clean it up. it was a disaster. and so messy. and ruined. no one could eat it now.

thank the goddess!!!!!

girl trip, GIRL trip, GIRL TRIP!!!!

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 16:38:00 +0000

i'm in the middle of planning a girl's trip. oh, you already knew that. what gave it away? ha. it's nothing major, just a few days away at a girlfriend's house in arizona. and the trip is still a few months away, but still.. i am SO FREAKING EXCITED!!!!!

i definitely do not do things like this enough. hell, i never fucking do things like this. or at least i feel like i never do. boyfriend goes away A.LOT. and by a lot, i really mean, a freaking lot. and in all honesty, i don't care. i am totally the girlfriend that doesn't care how often you leave (for the most part) because i enjoy being alone. you being gone for a weekend means that i get to be alone with myself or alone with blake for the weekend. and i totally enjoy that. i'm really starting to think that my independant nature is almost a problem. but that's a post for another day.

so anyway, boyfriend goes away all the fucking time, and i never do shit. and i want to get away more. i want to do things with friends, but it's hard. it's tough to coordinate schedules enough to get away at the same time. it's hard to leave your families. it's hard to not feel guilty while doing it. but we need this. women need time away with other women.

i seriously can't wait. once that ticket is booked i'm going to be counting down the days. i feel like i just don't do anything like this enough at all. and in all honesty, i think i want to start trying harder to schedule things in just for me. i need that balance. we all do.

so what about you? do you do girl trips? do you do anything for yourself?

so. how will this change you?

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 00:46:00 +0000

the internet is all a flutter. and in all honesty, i wouldn't have known a thing about it if becky hadn't had told me.. you know, so blame her for this post. ha! i have no idea who the chick is that wrote the post about TSA taking her child from her during an airport visit (i mean, i had never heard of her before, and i don't think i'd ever read her prior). but i've read her post now. and i've read tsa's response and i've watched the video footage.

i think it's really easy to forget that we don't know probably 99% of the people we read online in real life. we have no idea if these people are who they say they are. or if what they write about is anywhere close to the truth. but we think they are. we believe in them because we project our personalities onto them. we think the people we read everyday are telling the truth, because that's what we do. we assume the blogs we read are honest and not exaggerated, because what we write is honest and not exaggerated. we assume that these people we read everyday aren't liars... because we're not.

but that's the not the reality of the internet folks. the internet is like the fucking breeding ground for liars- and lies. it's so easy to write whatever you want and not have any consequences for what you've written when it's not the truth. i could make up some total crazy ass story and you'd all believe me- because why wouldn't you? why would i take the time to write something so elaborate and emotional if it wasn't real? and plus i'm awesome, so anything i write could totally happen to me.

listen, i think the whole situation sucks. it's like a sucker punch right to the gut when something or someone you believe in and feel like you fought for disappoints you.. or lies. or you find out that the story you believed and shed tears over, was not even close to the reality of the situation. you realize just how much of a friend you consider someone you've never met before, but engage in conversation with daily. it's a painful realization when there's hurt involved. these relationships we've all formed with one another online, are very real. we feel the same way when we discover a lie, as we would in real life. the disappointment, hurt and betrayel is one in the same. it's doesn't hurt less because we've never met. we consider one another friends. real friends.

but should we? i'm not saying one bad apple should spoil all the others. ... but is there something we should change? should we not be so trusting of one another online? just because we have things in common like maybe we're both moms... or maybe we both have blonde hair.. or we're both women. i mean, is it really enough to just assume that everyone else is just like we are and would never lie in a blog post? do we give people the benefit of the doubt because that's what we want in return? should we question everything now?

"i baked cookies today for little jimmy's class!"

"LIAR! you don't even know how to bake!!!!! and i bet jimmy is your neighbor's kid!"

i'm curious if this situation will change you? or if it has already....

friday= thursday recap of funness!

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 19:32:00 +0000

okay, first of all- i was in la yesterday. which was, as always, wonderful for my soul. even though it was super freaking humid and made me feel like i was in hawaii everytime i walked outside (which i really DON'T have a problem with). i realized yesterday that i try really, really hard to convince myself in different ways that it's okay to live where i currently do. and i try to make myself believe that i could be totally happy up here in the long run. and i try to force how great i think things and places are. and i try to make myself feel like i love them. but then i'm in southern cali, and i realize that it's not true. it's just something i try to do internally to make my life better. same shit, different day.

another thing. balloon boy? omg, i got a text from my girlfriend cat who told me a kid was floating in the air with a balloon. so what does my brain think? that some fucking 6 year is holding onto a bunch of regular old helium balloons, and how he's flying super high. i start freaking out thinking "omg, what if he lets go? what if his hands get slippery and the strings start falling out? what if he gets scared cause he's going up too high and he lets them all go??? don't let go kid!!!" yeah. i thought he was flying away like the movie up. i'm awesome. and super smart.

a lady sat next to me on my flight down to burbank. she was super cool, but funny. first, she was staring at me super crazy and making these "hello!!" faces at me, without actually saying hello. and she kept doing it. raising her eyebrows like aren't i going to say hi or something to her. then she stared at me super long and goes "i'm sorry. i thought you were my daughter's friend. do you ? you look exactly like his daughter. and she's a good friend of my daughters. so i was waiting for you to say hello to me and i couldn't figure out why you weren't. it's because you're not her." genius. then out of nowhere she asks me "are you going down to LA to read lines?" and i was like.. "yeah- how did you know that?" then she proceeded to ask me what part i was auditioning for and i got all confused for a second cause i'm blonde and then i realized that she thought i was an actress!!! and since i was just a model earlier in the week, i got all excited again! i think it's fun when people think i'm on tv and things like that. it makes me laugh.

sometimes i do wish i was famous. just for being myself though.... but in an awesome way. not a dipshitty kinda way like stupidhead and fuckwad. (bet you know who i'm talking about without me even mentioning their names)

ps- let's go dodgers!!!!!

glammed.up.

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 18:00:00 +0000

i got all glammed up at work yesterday for shits and giggles. i felt like a superstar. and i kept saying "DARKER! DARKER!!!" to the makeup artist for my eyes. she obliged cause how can you say no to me? and really, what did she care? she wasn't walking around the office all day looking like a racoon.

ladies and gentleman... there is such a thing as too dark. welcome to the over the top, beyond smokey (what the hell IS beyond smokey anyway?) eye.

shutup. i know you can't see it well. it's terrible bathroom lighting, with a freaking camera phone. what do you want from me people?!?!? real portraits? well i might have done a photo shoot that day for fun. and you might see some of the pics, if they're hot enough. then again, it's still my face, just with a ridiculous amount of makeup and really pretty hair.

it was fun though. and what did i learn? i learned that if i really was a model, i'd be a bitch. at least for a little while until i got my ego in check. cause yesterday? i was totally in love with myself. i was all up in my own shit. it's a good thing i'm not famous (yet) cause i'd totally go hollywood on all of you.

do you like halloween?

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 16:52:00 +0000

i'm only asking because i keep seeming to find more and more people who DO NOT LIKE halloween. not only do they not like it... they HATE it.

they think it's scary and awful and they can't wait for it to be here and gone already.

and i think that's kinda sad. because i freaking LOVE halloween!!!!!! love love love it! now, i don't like scary things. i can't watch scary movies because i don't enjoy them. i don't like ghouls and people with axes through their heads and shit. i don't like the idea of being terrified and chased through your home by an axe murderer with a grudge. i'm not into that type of scary crap.

and i know that for some people, that's what they love about halloween.

but you see, i just don't think about halloween in that way. for me.... halloween is magic! it's magical! like harry potter magical (minus the scary parts). i love the idea of witches and candles and spells and magic. but all good, positive ones. nothing like crazy vindictive spells. more like love spells, charms, and things that are fun and happy. halloween makes me feel like anything can happen. magic is in the air. and it only lasts that one night. and to me, it's totally exciting! there's something about the way halloween's night air feels. it's different than any other night. and i enjoy it! i think it's so much fun...

i love to decorate the house. and i've searched high and low for halloween decorations that aren't scary. i really hate the scary. so we might have gravestones at our house, but we have fun light up smiling ghosts, and a broom riding class sign next to the witches inn. just fun stuff. still halloween with skulls, ghosts, witches, etc... but not the type that is going to scare the crap out of your kids. or me.

i love the idea of fun magic. it makes me happy. hopeful. and that's what halloween is to me. a night of magical hope where anything can happen.

so what about you? love it or hate it?

how we change as women..

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 16:25:00 +0000

i have a few girlfriends up here who are older than i am. i only say that because i completely forget all the time that they are older than me. they're skinnier than i am. they're hotter than i am. and they're just as fucking awesome as i am. i always think that we're all the same age...

i love having conversations with these women because they are so insightful. and it's interesting to hear the things that they are going through. most of them got married when they were fairly young, and so now- as they're getting older, they feel like they wasted their lives away. well, no. that's not right and that's not what they said at all. sorry, i have to do them justice here.

let me try this again. they feel like they've spent so much of their lives making decisions for everyone else. doing things for everyone, but them. raising the kids. raising the husband. and they've all said that the older they've gotten, the less tolerable they've become. things they once didn't have a problem doing before, they simply don't want to do anymore. things that have been okay for years (because they allowed and supported it) aren't okay anymore.

suddenly, they're finding themselves wanting more. more freedom. more independence. just more FOR them. and apparently, once they've hit that point, there are no more conversations. it isn't a negotiation. it's not a compromise. she's done. she's over it. she wants different. you're either on board with the new her, or you're not. and in all honesty, you might not even have the option.

the man in their life is probably sitting there wondering what the fuck just happened, when in reality, he didn't do anything "wrong"... she just grew up and decided she was over all the bullshit. we could argue about this for days- talk about how since she allowed certain behaviors for so long, that it's her fault in a way. and how she can't expect him to change on a dime because she doesn't want to do the things she's been doing for years anymore. why should HE change? it's been okay for as long as he can remember, why isn't it okay anymore? so many people would say that the woman created this situation and the blame would be placed on her. she allowed certain behaviors. she gave in. now she wants change. but how inconsiderate of her to assume or expect the man in her life to change or adapt with her. right?

does anyone ever think that maybe it was never okay? maybe she felt obligated to do certain things. maybe she changed who she was in the to accomodate what she thought being a good wife meant? so she adapted in the first place. adapted to what he wanted her to be. then she got tired of adapting. tired of bending over backwards when no one did the same for her.

and one day... she snapped.

and you know, i totally understand it. when my girlfriends talk about how they're tired of certain things and that once they reached this certain age, they were just done.... i get it. listening to them vent their frustrations and trying to verbalize feelings they've never put into words before- i understand it all. i get what it is they want. what they're looking for. what they want to change. to me, it makes perfect sense how this all happened. it's logical. and i do think it didn't have to be that way. whatever my friends are looking for, i hope they find it... and i support them 100%.. all the while hoping that since i got married so much later in life, that this shit won't happen to me and i won't feel this way.....

to all the giant fans...

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 06:48:00 +0000

who have talked shit to me the entire time i've lived up here.

to all of you who have given me crap when i wear my LA hat, or a dodgers shirt.

all of you who feel the need to tease my son when he's decked out in dodger gear.

and ESPECIALLY to everyone who texts me non freaking stop talking so much crap on the rare occasion that the stupid and sucky giants actually beat my amazing and beloved dodgers...

i just have this to say:

suck it bitches!!

brrrrr, it's cold in here

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 16:52:00 +0000

"there must be toro's in the atmosphere... ice ice baby.." bring it on bitches.

it's getting cold up here in the great north of california. shutup. 40 something degress IS cold dammit. i do this every year. we do this every year. every year i'm freezing. and every year i refuse to dress appropriately.

already this morning i've heard "are you crazy????" because while the rumor is it's 40 something degrees outside, i'm wearing a tank top. it's always summer in my head.

i think there is a part of me that is still holding out hope that this place still has a few warm days left in it before i kiss any warmth goodbye for who knows how long. and once i stop wearing tank tops, i have conceded that warm weather is really gone. and i'm not ready to do that yet.
the worst day ever for me is the day i have to put on socks. and wear shoes instead of sandals. that's when i know it's really over. (don't get me wrong, i completely had to do this in so cal too... contrary to popular belief, it TOTALLY gets cold there too and we go full months without having tanning weather fuckyouverymuch)

so for now, i'm still wearing sandals. and i'm still wearing tanks. and if i have to go outside, i'll freeze my ass off. but i don't care. cause i'm not ready for it to be wintery and windy and freezing.

i'm just not ready.

so i refuse to give in.

cause i'm stubborn and mature.

i want to win the lottery!

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 18:22:00 +0000

i'm just putting this out there.. because not only do i really WANT TO WIN THE LOTTERY!!!! i'm actually PLAYING!!! *note to the california lottery gods & goddesses, this means i'm serious*

usually i just say how it would be fun to win the lottery and how i want to win it, but i never actually play it.

oh this time i'm serious. this time i've actually bought tickets! more than one. fear me lottery players. *note #2 to the california lottery gods & goddesses.. a little help here, thanks*

I WANT TO WIN!!!! :)

it's true though. lately i've been daydreaming about winning the lottery. a.lot. and not even ridiculous amounts of money... just like 5 million. what? you think that's a lot of money? well, i don't know about you, but i could blow through 5 mil in no time (think properties). i've been thinking about how nice it would be to have that kind of financial freedom. ridding yourself of your immediate financial burdons. just thinking about not having that kind of stress almost brings me immediate relief. my shoulders relax. everything in my body relaxes. just the idea is overwhelmingly blissful.

i think about paying off the ugly house, and then buying another one in southern california. and how i really, really want to pay off my friends and families homes so they can also be free from the burdon of their mortgage (are we seeing a trend here? i am guessing, but it's only a guess here, that i feel burdoned and stressed out by my house). my mom could actually retire if that house was paid off! i would love to do that for her! could you imagine the happiness and freedom you could give the people you cared about if you had the money to do it? i think that would be the best part. i can think of 3 friends right off the top of my head that i'd help pay off their homes and they could stay home with their kids and not work. they work because they "have" too.. not because they want too.

and you know what? when i think about the people who HAVE and actually DO win the lottery... i feel such happiness and excitement for them! i read their stories about buying their first home, or how much the money will help their life, and it just makes me smile. i mean, everyone could use extra money. right? i just think it's awesome.

have you ever won the lottery? do you play religiously? do you know anyone who has won big? what would you buy?

daydreaming about what you'd do with money you don't have is FUN, right? ha

words to live by.. or at least read while you're drinking your morning coffee or something..

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 07:44:00 +0000

so many people are going through the same type of issues right now. it seems like everyone i know (and many i don't know personally) are dealing with some sort of self awareness conflict. or attempt to find ones self. or find direction... or change direction.. or figure this out, or make a major life's decision on that.. or any other sort of thing, but it all boils down to the same basic concept. the same type of " internal conflict."

so to all of you who are going through this (and of course i include myself) i say the following:

life! is! short!

we all say it. we say it all the time. and sometimes we actually listen to its meaning. when we lose a friend in a tragic accident. or we know that loss is coming and we think we're dealing with it the whole time, but we're not because that person we know and love is still around us physically. and then one day they're not anymore. and for that brief moment, we grasp and understand what it truly means to realize that life is short. and it has an ending. whether we're ready for it or not.

and it can change in an instant...
in a heartbeat...
a single breath...

and we vow that we'll hold onto the feeling that we're experiencing in that moment forever. we won't forget what it feels like to feel this way. that we will start making decisions truly FOR ourselves and not let anything superficial hold us back. we won't live out of fear for the unknown. we will really LIVE! we will do what truly makes us happy because that's what life is about.

happiness.
love.
family.
friends.

and we will live our lives with no regrets. because we all realize in that moment how quickly it can change. how we could lose it all. how our life could end and our chances to fulfill our true desires would be lost. forever.

but then we forget.

because the days all start to run into one another. and that feeling that was so strong in the beginning starts to fade with each one that passes. and the promise you made to yourself that you wouldn't forget what this felt like, starts to seem less important. and you start to tell yourself that living that way isn't realistic. you can't live without fear, because life! is! scary! and you talk yourself out of doing the things that would make you happy.

you feel trapped.

you feel enslaved.

you feel like you have no choices. and no control.

but the reality is- LIFE IS SHORT people! and it's not worth it to do things that make you miserable or unhappy. it's not worth it to spend the majority of your day (which means your freaking LIFE) at a job you hate. if you're unhappy at work, quit. it's not worth it to devote so much time and energy to something that doesn't give you anything positive in return. find something that makes you happy and go for it!!! and i don't mean just work, it's just the best example. but for everything in life. it's not worth it to be someplace, doing something, spending your time, etc doing things that don't make you happy.... because you can't get this time back. and you don't want to turn around one day wondering where the hell it all went.

and it will be scary sometimes. because the good things always are. everything that matters has some sort of risk attached to it. and it's just there to test how badly you want it. the thing is, no one is going to make your life better for you. no one else is going to make the decisions that make YOU happy. you have to do that. and you have to know that you're worth it. and that what you want is important too (we all make sacrifices for the ones we love and care for in our lives). we can't help it. we're a selfish breed. we expect others to make decisions that are good for us, but the reality is they will make the ones that are better for them.

i'm just saying. i know that life is tough. i know that sometimes it feels hard and overwhelming and the answers don't come easily. but that's okay. we all have those days. and we all get through them (or we try too!). i just want us to start living the way we really want, not just the way that pays the bills.

easier said than done right? :)

can you ever truly be anonymous?

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 18:10:00 +0000

a good friend of mine wants to start up a blog of her very own. but she wants to be anonymous.

she asked me if it was possible. and without going into some huge diatribe of how of course it's possible, but omg, watch out cause you COULD get found out- which in turn just contradicts itself..

i thought i'd come to you guys.

cause i'm only a little anon (which means, not really). you know my name, see pics of my wonderful smiling face, you see my awesome spawn, the hotness that is boyfriend, etc. but i've allowed all of that. i've said that sharing was ok.

but what if you don't want too? what if you want to be able to speak more freely, etc and the only way to do so is to be truly anon?

is it possible? do you blog anon? ever been found out?

any tips for her? horror stories? this could be fun!!!

and THANKS!!!

ps- do you see the new theme??? if you're in a feed reader, click over to see all the halloweenie goodness!!! :)

weekend update

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 16:41:00 +0000

so first off, i'll have you know that i got super sick out of nowhere. and no, i do not think it had anything to do with the cleanse at all. i felt like i was getting a cold or something when i started the cleanse. anyway, by friday i was completely out of it. i didn't know what day it was and i had all the signs of a fever (sweating profusely, then normal.. then sweating again) minus the fever. it was the weirdest thing ever. i'm just happy i feel better! *the children of the world rejoice*

so after almost dying, we took the boat out on the bay! and right away i was so pissed off that i didn't bring my camera because it was such an awesome day. we went fishing and um.... will.i.am caught a STINGRAY!!! talking about stuff like this isn't as fun when you don't have pictures to go along with it! so really, will caught a freaking stingray.. and while he's pulling it up so that he can get the hook and stuff back, i'm totally mesmerized staring at the things eyes and mouth. i mean, i've never seen one in real life. (zoo's or marine world doesn't count) i'm not even paying attention to the fact that the things stinger is flying around trying to sting boyfriend and will.i.am. it was crazy. but awesome! did i mention the guys caught 2 fish? well they did. we ate them.

after getting back from the boat ride, my hair (which had been in a ponytail mind you) was so freaking ratted up, that i started crying because i didn't think i was ever going to be able to get a brush through it again. i ran to the store to try to find some detangler and let me tell you, pantene's detangler can SUCK IT. it didn't work for shit, and my freaking hair (if you could call it that at that point) was in a huge ball of tangled hell. it took me 40 minutes to detangle my hair. conditioner. detangler. conditioner. comb. huge clumps of hair in my fist. and some scissors. oh yes, i had to cut parts out. so now i need to figure out a better way to put my hair when we go out on the boat cause i cannot deal with that aftermath again.

update on the cleanse? i'm on day 4 and i'm not really seeing any results in all honesty. the tea isn't doing anything for me, although i've started steeping it for way longer. so while i'm sitting here thinking that my colon is so clean, i have nothing in there, naked jen let me know that it means i'm SUPER blocked up inside and not the opposite. that's kinda scary. also, i started having super weird cravings. like for foods that i do not eat normally, or i try to avoid. like english muffins.. and baked potatoes... and mac and cheese. carbs anyone? i told naked jen about this and she said it's all part of the detox process. that i should be like "wow.. cravings for stuff i don't like.. neat" and then move along. i wish i would have known that before i actually gave into those cravings!! i figured i was craving it for a reason dammit. i guess i won't do that anymore. just adding to the blockage that is my apparent insides.

sweet.

day 1 of cleansing

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 22:49:00 +0000

so i started the cleanse this morning. remember how i asked y'all for opinions on what wouldn't kill me, and what would work, etc? well thanks to naked jen, i chose dr. natura for my very first cleanse. seriously, will you all take a minute and click onto that website, because um... there is something on there that a guy shit out that i like to call a seaweed lei. it's not seaweed. and it's definitely not something you want to wear around your neck. it's DISGUSTING! you're welcome. but seriously, if something like that is just chilling inside my stomach, i want it out! i mean, really. (i might have joked with boyfriend and told him that um, if i start crapping something like out, i'm calling him up to the bathroom so he can grab hold of it and i'll just start walking away until it's done).

omg.

i am so fucking rank.

did you all just stop reading?

no?

such brave souls (still gross right)

i was terrified that this was going to hurt my sensitive stomach so badly that i would keel over and die from cramping in the middle of a meeting at work or something. cause remember when i tried to eat a bunch of fiber before? and it hurt so bad? yeah. because of that, i have been terrified to start this cleanse. so far i've done 2 parts of the 3 part thing. tonight, i have to drink a tea. and i'm thinking that might be the part that kills me. i don't know. all i do know is that i feel awesome and my stomach doesn't hurt at all so far *knocks on wood* and i'm hoping it stays this way for the entire 30 days.

yes, i'm doing this for 30 days. maybe longer if i feel like i "need" to.

i'll randomly keep you updated. not cause i think you care, but because what if i poop out a seaweed lei of my very own? i am SO telling you guys.

farmville & my nephew

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 16:39:00 +0000

so all you crazy facebookers are playing farmville, mafia wars, i want to be a clown with a big red nose, etc. y'all have way too much time on your hands. not to mention the fact that these games, or whatever the hell they are, make you pretty much crazy. MUST PLANT CROPS!!!!! I NEED YOU TO JOIN MY MAFIA NOWWWWWW!!!!!

so i noticed that my nephew was playing farmville and of course, i made fun of him. relentlessly. (which really means that i posted 1 thing on his wall making fun of him)

anyway, a couple days later... my nephew and i were texting eachother and this ensued:

nephew: just to let you know, farmville is required for all division 1 schools thank you very much.

me: i'm sure that's on the application.

nephew: so once i reach level 20 i will be accepted into standford

me: not if you can't spell the name of the school right

nephew: actually, all they care about is if you know how to properly grow bell peppers.

and ........ what more is there to say really?

i think i have a crush... or something

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 05:47:00 +0000

am i the only one who watches those pc and mac commercials and wants to wrap the pc guy up and take him home?

i am? sweet. i hate competition.

now while i like the mac guy too cause he is funny and reminds me justin long (omg is he justin long?? that would be embarrassing)... he isn't as loveable as the pc guy!!

he cracks me up.. and i think he is so smooshy and sweet and funny.... like eeyore (yes from winnie the pooh). omg that is why i love him.... he is like eeyore without a real tail and kinda mopey but you love him so much and want him in your backyard and stuff.

so pc guy... if you're out there.. i totally love you and want you to come over and read a computer manual to me or something cause your adorableness is too much.

reall? is it just me?

i want off this vampire train

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 17:07:00 +0000

i watched the vampire diaries again last night. i really want to like this show. i mean, i really, really, really want to like this show. but um.. it sucks. and not in the cool vampirey way. i don't know.

it's just... not good.

and the main guy? that main vampire guy? i can't get past the fact that his head looks like it's about 5 times bigger than any normal person's head. or maybe it's just shaped weird? yeah, it's really square.. like frankensteins head. and of course now that i've said that, i'll probably end up meeting the guy at some point and then he'll find this blog and read it and call me and be like "i can't believe you said i look like frankenstein" and i'll be eating my words (again) and writing another blog post apologizing for calling mr big head a big head. you'd think i'd learn my lesson with things like this.

but dammit.. the show isn't good. i do love the main girl though. she is stunning. and how come her hair so damn shiney all the time? jealous. anyway, i don't think they have any chemistry and i wish the show had me on the edge of my seat, but.... it doesn't.

are this books this craptastic? did you even know there were books?

anyway, when the hell is lost back on??? and thank the gods above for gossip girl. i love the hell out of that scandelous show.

astrology and um.. happy pics!

jenn@jennster.com (jennster) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 00:07:00 +0000

this mercury retrograde is killing me. a friend just sent me my astrological chart and basically told me "good luck" with all the aspects i have going on. HA she said "...when the transiting planets of the Sun, New Moon, Mercury and Saturn are all visiting your 4th House (which represents home)...can you see where the focus is? Your home, roots and family..."

shocking.

then she mentioned something about some fucking planet creating "enormous tension between your home/personal life and your JOB."

yay for me.

there was more, but it all made way too much sense and it's too personal to post about here. ha, something that is too personal for my personal blog.

i don't like it when not happy blog posts stay up for too long. it's like they taint (i said taint) the atmosphere and bring people down. and i'm not about that at all! i like being positive and optimistic.. and even when things are upsetting me, or i'm not sure what road to take next or where i should go..... i always know that things will work out happily and for the best. and that i'll be a better person for the experience. the glass is pretty much always half full in my eyes.

so ... here's some stupid shit that makes me smile!!!

finding old pictures of blake and my best friend's daughter when they were just mini people

puppies!!!!!!!!!! cause who doesn't love a good puppy? oh yeah, people with no soul.

the beach. the ocean. the pacific. malibu. the waves. the smell. the sounds. the feel of sad underneath my feet. the water.

finding pictures of me and my sister where it looks like i'm naked in public. sweet.

and finding pics where my brother looks SO young and blake's hair is the best thing i've ever seen in my life. and then seeing that blake is wearing a belt and remembering that at that age he went through this phase where he would FREAK THE F OUT if he wasn't wearing a belt and his pants felt like they were slipping off.

this makes me laugh cause i am totally still the same (although i wish my stomach still looked that bad ass).. but hi, do you see the hat? it took everything in me NOT to buy it that day. no really. i'm not joking. i think i was about 19 here.

and apparently i haven't changed much, cause um.. this pic? yeah, it was like 2 years ago. no, i didn't buy that hat either. but i think i wanted too.

lots of other stuff make me happy. like having friends like all of you who are there for me when i really need you, and when you can't comment on my blog, you take the time to email me. so thank you. i really appreciate it. :)

look, another puppy!