Jenny Learns to Cook

Challah

2011-08-29T21:37:00.000-04:00

Challah oh Challah, have I made a match for you!

That outburst was dedicated to my mother.

To make up for the utter laziness of last week's blog, I've made the most time consuming thing I know how to. Challah.

Ingredients:
1 1/4 Cups Warm Water
1 1/2 Tsp Yeast
1/4 Cup Honey (or more if you like your Challah on the sweet side)
2 Tb Vegetable Oil
1 1/2 Tsp Salt
2 Eggs
4 Cups Flour
1 More Egg for Egg Wash (Preferably a lucky double yolk one!)

Combine all ingredients except 1 egg. Cover with cling wrap and let rise 1 1/2 Hours. Drop it on a floured surface and smack it around a little. Cut into 6 pieces and braid as shown in the video (or for ease, just braid like hair. But you won't feel nearly as smug afterwards.) Let rise another hour. Cover in egg wash and bake at 375 degrees for 40 minutes. When you knock on it, it should sound hollow.

Hope your Challah doesn't blow up.

Eat!

Baked Ziti!

2011-08-23T09:44:00.000-04:00

This is the absolutely laziest blog to date. I had intended to make Challah - a four hour process culminating in the symphonic six strand braiding of properly raised, beaten, raised again hand made dough.

But that didn't happen.

I went to the supermarket, all optimism and skipping, bought yeast, eggs, honey... and forgot flour. So I could either make a yeast and honey omelet, or postpone the Challah adventure.

Distraught and disgruntled, I begrudgingly recorded myself making the laziest dinner (next to boxed macaroni) in existence. It consists of opening packages, throwing them in the general direction of a clean baking dish, and applying fire.

I call this "Thank-You-ShopRite-for-Doing-All-The-Measuring-For-Me... Baked Ziti"!

Ingredients:
Box of Pasta
Jar of Sauce
Half a Container of Ricotta
Bag of Mozzerella
Herbs to make things pertyful.

Boil pasta. Throw everything in a pan. Mix. Cover in cheesey goodness. Sprinkle with herbs in a last ditch attempt to pretend to have an actually useful cooking show. Bake at 425 until deliciously brown and melty.

Turkey and Mushroom Chili

2011-08-18T09:52:00.000-04:00

The days are hot in August, aren't they? I can think of no better way to spend an afternoon than further heating up my apartment with a pot of boiling death turkey lava for an hour or so. But no joke, this is delicious and (to my knowledge) purdy darn good for you.

Ingredients:
Onion, diced
Mushrooms, diced
1 Lb Ground Turkey
2 Tb Chili Powder
1 Tb Oregano
Red Pepper Flake, to taste
28 Oz Can of Tomatoes
Bottle o' Brewskie
2 Tb Cornstarch diluted in water

Sautee Onions for a while, throw in Mushrooms and saute until mushrooms start to spit out the water they stole. Add Turkey and cook until no longer pink. Add spices and saute for about a minute to wake them muthas up. Add what's left of Beer after you drank it. Add Tomatoes and mash with a potato masher. Simmer whole concoction for about an hour. Add cornstarch, let boil a moment, and eat!

Asparagus Soup

2011-08-08T22:26:00.000-04:00

Asparagus Soup:
1 Lb Asparagus
2 Tb Butter
2 Tb Flour
1 Cup Milk
1 Cup Water
Parmesan, Lemon Juice, Salt, Pepper, anything else you wanna chuck in.

Cut up Asparagus and boil until tender. Drain.
Melt butter in the pot, add flour. Cook until smells nuttalicious.
Add milk and water and whisk quickly to dissolve roux.
Add cooked asparagus, buzz it, add delicious flavorings of your choosing, slurp!

Pork Tenderloin Sandwich

2011-05-14T17:54:00.000-04:00

Here's the dealio - I got a job in a gourmet cheese store making prepared lunches for the people of... a certain town that this store is in. So you guys (and Steve) are my guinea pigs! You get to watch every failed attempt at creating a menu!!!

Hoorah.

Pork Tenderloin Sandwich ahoy.

*** In all seriousness, this sandwich was delicious, but the biscuit fell apart on the bite after I turned off the webcam. Pork and Apple Fennel Salad are a delicious combination... just have to find the right bread. Mom votes Rye.***

Ingredients:
Pork
A Shallot, minced
Flour, as needed
1 TB Buttah
Wine
Stock

To cook the pork: Salt and pepper it a lot more than you think is necessary. Heat up a pan of oil and preheat your oven to 350. Brown Porky on all sides, and cook until a thermometer reads 155. Let rest.

Heat the pan back up with all the greasy yumminess. Throw in the minced shallot and sweat until soft. Add butter and melt. Add flour in small amounts until it looks like pancake batter. Do not eat. Add a sploosh of wine and some chicken or vegetable stock and let reduce until it is the consistency you want. Gravy!

Corn Soup with Cilantro Oil

2011-04-30T07:11:00.000-04:00

I cooked way too much last night. There is a dish monster waiting for me in the kitchen covered in purees, gravies, and butter. It may be delicious, but as the day grows longer, it's growing stronger. Wish me luck.

Anyhoo, Corn Soup. Use good corn when making this, because... that's just about all it tastes like. Just a warning.

Ingredients:
1 Corn Cob per Serving (I used 3)
1 Small Potato per 4 Cobs (I used a whole potato for 3, and it turned out rather potatoey)
A Shallot
A sploosh of Cream

A handful of Cilantro
About a cup of Olive Oil

Sweat (not brown, as I did) a Shallot in oil. Add the diced Potato and cover with water (or stock if you're fancy schmancy and not a cheap-o like me.) Cook until mashable. While they're cooking, get that thar corn off that thar cob, turn the knife over, and scrape out the juicy bits. When the potatoes are smooshy, add the corn and heat through. Buzz the suckers, add some cream, and season to deliciousness. Blend Cilantro and Oil together, season, and garnish the soup.

Apple Fennel Salad

2010-09-27T14:08:00.000-04:00

I think I saw this recipe on Giada. Or Top Chef. Wherever I stole it from, it was tasty.

Ingredients:
A Granny Smith Apple
A Fennel Bulb
A Lemon
Olive Oil
Salt

Juice the Lemon and whisk in 2 times as much Olive Oil. Salt (and pepper if you're fancy like that) to taste. Cut up the Apple and Fennel into vaguely similar shapes, toss in the vinaigrette, and nom.

Rat's Restaurant

2010-09-23T15:58:00.000-04:00

I went to Rat's in honor of Kevin winning Top Chef. In case you don't live in Jersey, here's what went down.

Clementine Curd

2010-09-17T21:00:00.000-04:00

I've been missing. Just call me dumb and get it over with.

Anyhoo, as most of you know, I am earning my Certificate in Cooking. I had a baking class this week, and one of my assignments was to make Lemon Curd... and I messed it up twice before class was over. This is my revenge! Clementine Curd. Jenny Style.

Ingredients:
2 Oz Clementine Juice (or any fruit you want)
1 Tsp Zest
3.25 Oz Sugar (Split into 1.5 and 1.75)
1 Egg
3 Oz Butter

Bring the Juice, Zest, and half of the Sugar to a boil in a non reactive pot. In a separate bowl, combine the Egg and the rest of the Sugar. Temper the Eggs and combine. Put back on the heat and bring to a boil, again (I have no idea the science behind the multiple boilings.)

Bring the mixture down to 120 degrees and mix in the Butter in little chunks until combined. Strain out the yucky eggy bits, zest, and whatever other non-curd-like objects remain in the pot. Consume.

Apple Tartlets with Caramel Saucey Squeezy Bottle Thing

2010-08-05T19:47:00.000-04:00

I'm so exhausted from cooking (and fighting Caramel off of two pots), I barely have the energy to write this post. But write I must! I had no recipe for this, partly inspired by the book Ratio, partly inspired by a not-so-nice message I got from a "friend" on Youtube. So, here you go, guy who's screen name I don't remember! My cooking without a recipe.

Ingredients for Dough:
6 Oz Flour
4 Oz Buttah
2 Oz Water
1 Tb Sugar
Pinch of Salt

Ingredients for Apple Filling: (AKA Whatever tastes good.)
2 Apples, brunoise
Some Sugar
Some Cinnamon
Some Nutmeg
Some Vanilla
Some Lemon Juice

Do not make the caramel. I will not give you the recipe.

Make your pie crust (you know how. If you don't, look at the Quiche or Apple Tart Tatine posts.) Let cool in the fridge.

Brunoise your Apples and combine all Appley ingredients in a bowl. Let sit for a while to let the juices exude from the apples.

Fill your tart cups with dough, poke holes in them, and let cool again. After getting too impatient to let them cool, par-bake your tarts for 10 minutes in a 400 degree oven.

Saute the Apple mixture in a little Buttah until halfway cooked, or al dente, or whatever relative and arbitrary term you'd like to use. Don't let them get mushy, just give them a head start in cooking and let them soak up the buttery goodness.

Fill your tarts with Appley stuff and bake for 20 minutes. Delicious!

Beurre Blanc

2010-08-01T18:56:00.001-04:00

Here's another Julia recipe. There's actually a very adorable scene in Julie and Julia where she's describing this sauce to her sister, and her husband describes it as "Tangy," thoroughly insulting Julia. Well, in general, the movie is adorable.

And apparently I'm on a not-so-official quest to cook every recipe that appeared in the movie. So far I have made:

Bruschetta (Julie makes it before starting the blog)
Sole Meurniere
Boef Bourginnon
Beurre Blanc
Artichokes and Hollandaise... have I missed anything?
I don't know that I will ever bone a duck.

Ingredients:
2 1/2 Tb White Wine Vinegar
2 1/2 Tb White Wine
1 Tb Minced Shallot
Salt and Pepper
2 Sticks of Buttah (oh lordie.)
Lemon Juice

Combine Vinegar, Wine, Shallots, Salt, and Pepper and boil until "syrupy." Take off heat and throw in two chunks of butter. When the butter is almost completely creamed into the sauce, add another chunk and put back on LOW heat. Add in one chunk at a time until your heart is mentally prepared to handle what is about to come. Take off the heat and add Lemon Juice to taste. Easy peezy japaneezy.

Quiche

2010-07-14T21:25:00.000-04:00

This recipe is purely based on a kitchen toy purchase. I bought a quiche pan because it was lovely and convenient and I was weak and I am unworthy. But nevertheless, Steve and I gobbled this up with no problem whatsoever. The great thing about Quiche - you can eat it for any meal of the day... and we might have.

Ingredients for Crust:
1 1/4 Cups Flour
1 Tb Sugar
1 Tsp Salt
4 Tb Shortening
5 Tb Buttah

Ingredients for Insides:
7 Eggs
1 1/2 Cup Half and Half
1/2 Lbs Bacon
3 Red Potatoes
2 Cups Cheddar Cheese

Hardware: The most beautiful pie pan in existence.

Combine dry ingredients of crust. Add Shortening and mix until it looks like course crumbs. Add Buttah until it looks like bigger, pearly, delicious, artery clogging crumbs. Clump into a ball, wrap, and freeze for at least a half hour.

Fry some Bacon, set aside. Peel your Potatoes (unless you like peels, then by all means, ignore me.) and microwave on High for about three minutes or until they're just a little squishy. Cut Potatoes into little cubes and fry in the bacon grease. Set aside. Exercise for a few hours. When the bacon is cool and crispy, smash it up into little pieces.

Pre heat oven to 400F.

Roll out your dough (neater than I did) and get it into the pan (more efficiently than I did). Poke it around with a fork so that bubbles don't form, and put it back in the fridge to firm up.

Combine all filling ingredients.

Blind bake your crust for about 10 minutes, put in your filling, and bake for an hour or until the smell of bacon is too intense and you pounce on the oven like a rabid wolf.

Red Wine Risotto

2010-07-12T09:53:00.002-04:00

I'VE REACHED A HUNDRED SUBSCRIBERS ON YOUTUBE!!!!

Now back to your regularly scheduled blog.

This recipe is kind of a "pantry cleaner," as people like to call it on the blogosphere. I had red wine from making Coq aux Vin, I had carrots from... something, I don't remember, and I had asparagus because asparagus is delicious and I eat it more than any other vegetable ever. Ever. So here's Red Wine Risotto with Carrots and Asparagus.

Ingredients:
Olive Oil
1/2 Shallot
Asparagus and Carrots to taste (I used 3 huge Asparagus spears and a humongo Carrot)
1/2 Cup Arborio Rice
Red Wine
Chicken Broth
Juice of 1 Lemon
Parmesan Cheese
Parsley

Heat up some olive oil in a beautiful new Carribean Le Creuset Dutch Oven... or you know, a small pot. Sweat the Shallot for a few minutes, then throw in your veggies and let soften. Don't cook all the way, as they will continue to stew in the rice liquid.

Throw in the rice and let toast for a moment. Add enough Red Wine to cover, and let the rice absorb. When you can see the bottom of the pan as you stir, add Chicken Broth to cover and let absorb. Repeat until rice is almost done.

On the last addition of liquid, add Lemon Juice and Parmesan to taste, and sprinkle with Parsley because that's what impressive type people do. Eat immediately before it turns to cheesy library paste.

Matzo Brei

2010-07-05T09:14:00.002-04:00

This is my daddy's recipe... It's the only really "passed down from generation to generation" recipe I can think of. Really easy, really delicious... not terribly good for you. But what "really easy, really delicious" thing ever is?

This is the recipe for making 2 Matzos- a really big breakfast for me. But the formula is easy to make any number you want - just one matzo to one egg and a bigger sploosh of milk.

Ingredients:
2 Pieces Egg and Onion Matzo
2 Eggs
A sploosh of milk
1 Tb Buttah
Salt

Break up the Matzo into pieces and soak in very warm water until bendable. Dump into a colander. In the same bowl, whisk together the eggs and milk. Add the Matzo back into the bowl and let soak for a few minutes.

Pre-heat a non-stick skillet to a pretty high heat. Melt Buttah and swirl it around to cover the whole pan, including the upturned edges. When Buttah begins to brown, dump in your Matzo mixture and spread around the pan.

When the Matzo mixture is slightly solid, cut it into fourths and flip. Salt, let cook a few moments and hack at it with your spatula. Put on a plate and enjoy. Mazel tov!

Orange Maple Glazed Pork Chops

2010-07-01T06:00:00.001-04:00

Here's a new fact about me - I have never eaten pork chops before. In fact, the only way I think I have eaten pork is in Pork Fried Rice or Pork Lo Mein. Odd, right? Anyhoozles, I went surfin' on the internet (again... that's what you do when your job ends in June.) and found a delectable recipe for Pork Chops that sounded very nommable.

Fo' shizzle, they wuz hawt. Ok, shake it off, J-Ho. I'm so excited to have found pork chops - they're like three bucks a package and taste like steak. Holy moly.

Ingredients:
2 Thick Cut Pork Chops
1 Cup Orange Juice
1/2 Cup Maple Syrup
(The second time I made this, I also grated in some Ginger)
Salt and Pepper
Olive Oil and Buttah

Preheat oven to 400 Degrees.

Salt and Pepper your Pork Chops liberally on both sides. Heat up a cast iron skillet (or any oven safe pan) and drop in your Olive Oil and Buttah. Put in your chops and sear on one side for a few minutes until brown and mouthwateringly gorgeous. Flip over, stick in a thermometer, and put in the oven until the chops reach 150 degrees.

Remove chops to a plate to rest and tent with foil. (Don't touch the thermometer - it is HOT. I learned that the hard way.) Put skillet back on the heat and deglaze with Orange Juice and Maple Syrup (and whatever else you think would be tasty - I added Ginger the second time I made this... maybe cinnamon?) Let reduce by half and pour over your choppies.

Visit The Humble Gourmand for the original recipe.

Chicken with Mushrooms

2010-06-28T07:57:00.000-04:00

Cooking has been consuming my life. If I'm not cooking, I'm reading cookbooks. If I'm not reading cookbooks, I'm watching Food Network. If nothing good is on Food Network, I'm watching other peoples' food blogs. One of my favorites is called Economy Bites. It's hosted by a chick named Allie, who, like me, cannot cook very well. She invited me to blog one of her recipes - so here it is! Chicken with Mushrooms a la Jenny a la Allie.

Again, this is not exactly Allie's recipe - it's a mixture of Allie, Julia Child, and whatever was on my spice shelf. To see her version of this dish, Click Here!

Ingredients:
4 Chicken Cutlets (Or two breasts, pounded and halved)
1/2 Cup Flour
4 Oz Mushrooms, sliced
A small Shallot, minced
1/2 Cup White Wine
1 Cup Chicken Broth
1-2 Tb Cream
1 Tsp Dried Rosemary
Olive Oil and Butter for sautee-ing
Salt and Pepper to taste
Parsley and Parmisan Cheese for garnish

Put Flour on a small plate and season with salt and pepper. Dredge the chicken cutlet lightly. Heat up a large sautee pan and drizzle in Olive Oil and Butter. When the butter has stopped foaming, put in chicken.

Let chicken sit until it turns white halfway up its side, then flip. Let sit again until entire side of chicken is white; it will not be cooking all the way, but they will simmer later in the sauce. Remove chicken to another plate.

Put Mushrooms in the pan and salt, then sautee until browned. Throw in the shallot and let soften for a minute.

Deglaze the pan with Wine. Scrape browned bits of chickeny goodness off of the pan. Add Chicken Broth, Cream, Salt, Pepper, and Rosemary. Mixy mix. Put the chicken back in - they should be almost covered; if not, add more broth. Let this sit for a few minutes until the sauce is reduced so it covers the back of a spoon and the chicken is cooked through. Garnish with Cheese and Parsley, tuck a napkin into your shirt, and eat.

Tomalito

2010-06-24T06:00:00.001-04:00

I had been meaning to do this recipe for a while. Whenever I go to Chevys, I HAVE to order something that comes with Tomalito - or Corn Pudding. I always eat it last and in teeny, tiny fork fulls because it's torturously fantastic, but they give you about a tablespoon of it. Meanies. So now I have a pan full!

Ingredients:
5 Tb Buttah, softened
1/4 Cup Masarepa or Harina Masa or Masa Harina... if anyone knows the actual name, please share.
1/3 Cup Sugar
1/2 Cup Water
1 Cup Corn, buzzed to mush
1/2 Cup Corn, let to live another day.
1/2 Cup Corn Meal
1 Tsp Baking Powder
1/2 Tsp Salt
2 Tb plus 1 tsp Milk. Stupid amount. Just do it.

Preheat oven to 250.

Smoosh the butter, masarepa, and sugar together until it's fluffy. Blend the water and mushy corn together, add to the mixture. Add everything else, stir together and pour into a small baking dish.

Create a water bath by filling a large roasting pan with about an inch of water. Cover the smaller baking dish with aluminum foil, put it in the bath, and put the whole thing in the oven. Rubber ducky optional. Cook for 1 1/2 hours, or until a toothpick is inserted and comes out clean. Gobble it up.

Father's Day Coconut Macaroons

2010-06-21T07:00:00.003-04:00

My dad is insane over anything to do with nuts (grow up.) When we get ice cream, he has to cover his in wet walnuts. If we get chocolate anything, his has to be cashew bark. Going with this theme, I crossed my fingers, and ventured into the world of Coconut Macaroons.

And an update on how he liked it - he loved them. *breath out*

Can I say one more thing? These things are FRIGGIN EXPENSIVE around Passover. But seriously folks? An egg, some sugar, some flavorings... nothing in there is expensive. Stop being so lazy, people! Buy a bag of coconut make it yourself. Ok, off my soap box.

INGREDIENTS: (for one batch. I tripled this, those numbers will be in parenthesis.)
3/4 Cup Sweetened Coconut (2 1/4 Cup)
1 Egg White (3)
1 Tb Sugar (3 Tb)
1/4 Tsp Vanilla Extract (3/4 Tsp)
1/8 Tsp Almond Extract (1/4 Tsp)
A pinch of salt (3... pinches... of salt...)

Preheat oven to 300.

Mix everything but the coconut together. Then mix in the coconut. (Seriously, how easy?) Form into ballies in whatever fashion you wish - I'm sure there is a neater way to do it than I chose. Bake for 35 minutes, or until edges are light brown and the macaroons keep their shape when poked, but they will be a little jiggly. Let cool for 20 minutes before prying off the baking sheet.

Successful! Leek and Potato Soup

2010-06-17T08:29:00.002-04:00

Forget the last one happened. Call it intelligence, call it talent, or call it my new Le Creuset Dutch Oven, but I figured out Leek and Potato soup. It's actually a really simple formula, and kinda makes me feel dumb for not figuring it out the first time.

Ingredients:
Leeks
Potatoes
Heavy Cream
Salt to taste

The formula is:
1 cup solids to 1 cup liquid to 1 Tb Heavy Cream

Therefor, if you have like a potato and a leek, you would do 1/2 cup Potato, 1/2 cup Leek, 1 cup water, 1 Tb Heavy Cream.

Or, if you're feeding a huge Italian family, you would use 50 cups Potato, 50 cups Leek, 100 cups Water, and 100 Tb Heavy Cream. Or just go to a restaurant because no one has a pot that big.

Cut up and clean veggies, put them in a pot with water. Boil until mushy gushy in your tushy. Buzz it with an emersion blender or in a food processer or a food mill or between your teeth if you're EXTREME. Add cream and salt to taste.

Leek and Potato Soup

2010-06-13T21:20:00.002-04:00

According to Julie Powell, this is the "simplest" recipe to make in Julia's book, but "simple" isn't the same as "easy." Now, when I first read this, I thought she was just trying to sound philosophical. But she was right. Witness me mess up a three ingredient soup.

Now to my credit, her directions say "2 quarts of water." Who thinks in quarts? I then ran to Barnes and Noble and read another of her books that fixes that measurement and calls it 6 cups. Uhm. Thanks Julia. There will be a retry on this one.

Ingredients:
2 Lbs Potatoes
2 Lbs Leeks
6 Cups Water
6 Tb Cream
Salt to taste... or the salt from my disappointed tears.

Peel and cut up potatoes, cut up and clean leeks. Throw everything in a pot and boil until soft. Buzz it with an immersion blender, or in a food processor or food mill. Add some cream, season with salt. Hopefully enjoy it more than I did.

Or if you're Steve, suggest adding bacon and cheddar cheese and make Jenny cry.

Arepas

2010-06-10T19:38:00.001-04:00

This is by far the easiest and most rewarding recipe ever. And it comes free on the back of the bag!

PS - After venturing down the Hispanic Foods aisle at Shoprite, I was feeling dangerous and bought some cayenne pepper. I then proceeded to make the spiciest Arroz con Pollo in the history of... well, my mouth at least. And this is bad considering up until now, I had lived on bland Jew food, and black pepper out of a grinder was the devil. But I ate it. I will like spicy food, someday!

Ingredients:
1 Cup Masarepa (I used white, they also have yellow. I don't know the difference.)
1 Cup (ish) Water
1/2 Cup Mozzerella Cheese (or whatever you want. The Masarepa is a pretty plain palette to play with)
1 Tsp (ish) Salt

Mix everything together and fry it in a nifty pan until goldeny brown and the cheese is melty.

Coq au Vin

2010-06-06T10:45:00.001-04:00

I asked Jessica what she wanted to make this week, and she said "Coq au Vin." But I thought it would be too expensive because there are two kinds of booze in it. I suggested a few more things - some French, some German, some American - and it always came back to Coq au Vin. So, we went to the liquor store, bought the crappiest six dollar jug of Burgundy we could find, and proceeded to light my dutch oven on fire. Enjoy.

Ingredients:
3-4 Pounds Chicken (we used boobies, you can use whatever you want.)
4 oz Bacon (about 5 strips.)
A shallot (in place of Pearl Onions... read Julia's recipe if you're confused.)
1/4 Cup Cognac
3 Cups Burgundy
Chicken Stock to cover
A bay Leaf
2 Cloves Garlic, mashed
1 Tb Tomato Paste (the recipe says 1/2 Tb, but Jessica made me put more. Peer pressure.)
3 Tb Flour
8-10 Oz Mushrooms (we used baby bellas)
A shit ton of butter... I think we finished off a stick by the end of it.
Salt and Pepper

Boil the bacon for 10 minutes to get rid of the smokey flavor. Saute in a dutch oven with butter until crispy. Remove. Try not to eat too much of it.

Salt and pepper your chicken and sear both sides in the bacon fat. Add bacon back in, throw in a diced shallot. Cover and cook for five minutes. Turn the chicken to its other side and cook for five more minutes.

Grab a lighter and your Cognac, laugh maniacally, and set the chicken aflame. Then freak out and shake the pan around until the flames are gone. Add your wine and chicken stock, cover, and simmer for 30 minutes.

Saute up some mushrooms, fo' shizzle. You can probably do whatever vegetable you want, but Julia said mushrooms. So it has been written, so it will be done. Make a paste of butter and flour.

Take chicken out of the pot and reduce the sauce to about 2 cups or until you're sick of waiting. Throw in paste and whisk vigorously. It'll be thick and saucey now.

Add everything in - chicken, mushrooms, whatever else - and let stand for a few minutes to baste in its majesty. Eat.

Biscuit Battle Concludes! "Joy" Biscuits

2010-06-04T19:18:00.002-04:00

I still have more buttermilk left, and I swear I will USE IT ALL!!!

This biscuit recipe is from "The Joy of Cooking." You'd think Irma would be the authority on Biscuits. I actually do not own the book (shame on me), and found this recipe at Hilah Cooking. She gets drunk in the episode. Too hilarious. Here's my shot at Irma's biscuits.

ALTON'S THE WINNER! Of course a Southern boy would win out the biscuit battle. And I still have buttermilk left... now what?

In case you like your biscuits on the drier, cloudier side, here's...

Irma's Biscuits - Ingredients:
1 3/4 Cup Flour
1 Tb Baking Powder
A sprinkle of salt
5 Tb Buttah
3/4 Cup Buttahmilk

Mix it together. Cut it. Bake it at 450 for 12 minutes. Eat.

Pork Dumplings and Chicken Fried Rice

2010-06-02T22:45:00.000-04:00

When I was in high school, we had a German exchange student for a year. We were sitting in choir, and the teacher asked if she understood something, and said something to the effect of "not really," and the teacher asked me to translate for her. And now we're buds. In honor of my friend coming halfway around the world to visit us Jerseyans, we're making... Chinese food. Whatever.

Again, this video is a little wonky... we chose the recipe in the car on the way to Shoprite, so neither of us had much time to mentally prepare ourselves for the undertaking we... undertook. But, nevertheless, here are Pork Dumplings.

Ingredients:
Frozen Wonton Wrappers (Don't make the mistake we did. Please. Don't do it. The angels will cry.)

1 lb Ground Pork
1 lb Napa Cabbage
1 Tb Ginger, grated
2 Scallions
4 Tb Soy Sauce
2 Tsp Sesame Oil
Salt

Put on a pot of water to boil.

Grate the ginger into a tiny bowl and cover with water, let steep like tea while you're doing everything else.

Blanch the Cabbage for a second until wilted - not cooked. You kind of want to feel a little crunch in the dumpling. Unless you're into soggy dumplings, but that's completely your business. Put the cabbage in a colander set over a bowl and smoosh all of the liquid out of the cabbage. Keep for later. Dice up the cabbage into whatever size you want.

In a bowl (we used my Dutch Oven because I had run out of bowls.), throw in the Pork, chuck in the diced Cabbage, minced the Scallions and juggle them in, glug in the Soy Sauce, squirt in the Sesame Oil, sploosh in the Cabbage water, drizzle in the Ginger "tea," and plop in half the grated Ginger for good measure. (Or pick neater ways to do each of those things. Generally you want the ingredients in a bowl.) Mix.

Wrap up in your wrappers and put in boiling water. They will immediately ploop to the bottom of the pot. You know they are done with they float back to the top like they found their swimmies.

Eat with soy sauce or hoisin sauce or make a fancy schmancy sauce of your own.

REALLY QUICK! Explanation of fried rice... I may make a video some day. But here's the gist.

Chicken Fried Rice

Ingredients:
Whatever vegetables you want. I used carrots and celery. Cut into little cubes.
2 Cloves Garlic, minced
4 Chicken Strips (or like a breast), cubed
2 Cups Rice, cooked (obvi.)
Eggs
Vegetable Oil
Soy Sauce
Sesame Oil
Sesame Seeds

Heat up a pan (I used a Cast Iron Skillet... I've read that's the best for stir fries because it doesn't cool down every time you add an ingredient.) and put in some Vegetable Oil. Sear the chicken for about a minute on each side. Yes, they will be raw, but they'll be done by the time everything else has joined the party. Move to the edges of the pan.

In the center of the pan, add in whatever Vegetables you chose and the Garlic. Stir it around until it's lovely and brown. I don't like to overcook the veggies - I want the centers still with a bite. Can you use the term "al dente" with vegetables? Move to the edges of the pan.

Throw in the rice. I've heard it's actually better to use day old rice because it's less sticky, or the stuff you get in a box from a take out place, but I never think that far ahead. Mix everything around.

Make a well in the middle of the pan and crack two eggs in. Scramble the eggs about 3/4 of the way done, then mix everything together so there's a mixture of egg clumps and other ingredients coated in egg.

Sploosh in Soy Sauce, Sesame Oil, and Sesame Seeds to taste. I've never measured it before. I'd say about a tablespoon of Sesame Oil, and just keep adding Soy Sauce until its the color you like your fried rice to be.

Food Jammers Review

2010-06-02T09:54:00.000-04:00

The Cooking Channel is here... and so far it doesn't look that great. I've only watched a few episodes, but so far it looks like they were attempting to look indie and thrown together and failed dismally.

Food Jammers
This is where the "indie" theme fails dismally. The set up is simple: three (totally not gay) college guys sit around in their eclectic mish mash of an apartment, and cook things in their oh-so-chillaxed way. The problem is that it's completely contrived, lacking energy, and there is absolutely NO chemistry between the three roommates. They literally look like they're annoyed by each other. And one of them keeps looking at the camera to update us after commercial breaks, but his eyes are unfocused... it's more painful than watching kindergardeners on stage dressed as vegetables.

The episode opened with "We're out of beer." You can almost hear the echoes of the writers brainstorming -

Brainstormer 1: Ok, so we have three hip dudes in a totally chickless room, but they're totally not gay. What would they be thinking about?
Brainstormer 2: Boobs.
Brainstormer 1: No, not food related...
Brainstormer 2: Sorry. Breasts. Legs. Boston butt?
Brainstormer 1: Enh...
Brainstormer 2: Alcohol.
Brainstormer 1: Brilliant!

The totally-not-gay-but-really-thirsty roommates then decide they're going to make "pop" because beer isn't sweet enough. They start pondering the problem of thinking up a recipe, all while using a guitar amp as a metaphor for flavor components - volume of flavor, fade of flavor, blah blah blah, I get it, "Food Jammers" is a play on words. For the rest of the episode, they play mad scientists trying to make "pop." (It's Soda, people. Not pop.)

My question - if these three guys are so poor that they're rooming together, own a foosball table, and talk about food in musical metaphors, why do they have so much scientific knowledge? Did they watch too much Mythbusters?

My final verdict - even their friendship wasn't forced and contrived, the hosts are boring. They're not even eye candy. And that's just a sin.