Jerk Sandwich

Stop Pet Overpopulation

2008-05-05T09:27:00.005-05:00

With 80 million households having at least one pet it's shocking that 5-11 million cats and dogs are euthanized each year. These animals are killed because there just isn't enough room in shelters to house them all, and there aren't enough people willing to adopt them. Yet the pet business is booming and breeders, pet stores, and puppy mills continue to churn out animals. fortunately, there are some easy steps that can be taken to reduce the number of unwanted animals, and to provide better care for sheltered animals. All you have to do is be B.A.D.

B.A.D. is an acronym that stands for birth control, adoption and donation. By practicing these three things we can significantly reduce the stray population, reduce the number of animals being bred by pet factories, and improve the quality of life for those animals that are sheltered. Below are a few links to help you help these animals and communities in need.

If you're looking for a pure bred dog, there are several places to check besides breeders and pet stores. Thousands of pure bred dogs end up at the pound or rescue shelters.The American Kennel Club has a list of shelters that specialize in pure bred dogs here.

The Kansas Humane Society has a great website with pictures of some of the animals they have for adoption, but they also have a list of ways you can help support them. This link has information about donating time, money and resources. Did you know that you can donate your aluminum cans to the humane society?

Finally, there is Peta. I realize that for some, these people seem crazy. However, there is plenty of good information on this site, including alerts about local legislation that affects you as a pet owner.
I encourage you to investigate these sites, as well as to post others you find helpful.

And remember, we can all do a lot of good by doing a little B.A.D.

LeBron Kong?

2008-03-28T15:26:00.007-05:00

LeBron James walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender looks up from cleaning mugs and says, "Wow, where'd you get that thing?"

The parrot squawks, "From the cover of Vogue, they're everywhere."

A lot is being made of LeBron James on the cover of Vogue. He poses in mid-dribble, growling, and clinging to Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen like... well, like she's a Brazilian supermodel. To some, it's racially insensitive. But why?

There are two claims that the cover is racially insensitive. The first charge is that it perpetuates the stereotype of the violent, angry, black man. The second charge is that the cover is overtly racist, portraying James as King Kong, or a gorilla, holding onto his captive white woman.

When dealing with perceptions, there really is no right or wrong. But it is useful to examine why people see what they do, and why it is different from what someone else sees. For instance, if looking at that picture, you see a black man posing as a gorilla, who is applying the stereotype? Does the photo have anything in it that a reasonable person would associate with primates? There are no bananas, no jungle in the background, and no swings hanging from the air. So what in your brain made you associate gorilla with LeBron James? Is that Vogue's racism at work? Leibovitz's? Lebron's? Or yours?

It reminds me of when Star Wars: The Phantom Menace was released. Some people were upset that a few of the aliens (non-humans)appeared to be stereotypes for Japanese and Jews. Mind you, these were aliens (non-humans) with bug eyes, wings, etc. So how could they represent stereotypes of human ethnic groups? "Well, that one sounds Jewish and he's greedy." So because it sounded the way some viewers percieved a Jew to sound, and acted in a way some viewers percieved a Jew to act, they saw a Jew. Nevermind that the movie took place in a time long, long ago and a place far, far away where there were no Jews.

But instead of recognizing their own racists perceptions, they blamed George Lucas for what they saw. George Lucas has done a lot to harm the world with those last three movies, but I don't think you can blame him for spreading racism or antisemitism across the galaxy. Nor can you blame Leibovitz, James, or Vogue for it. If looking at that cover you see a chest-pounding gorilla ready to rape-- and not one of our most gifted and competitive athletes holding onto a sexy woman, then maybe there is something wrong with your perception...

LeBron James walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender looks up from cleaning mugs and says, "Wow, where'd you get that thing?"

"From Africa," James says. "They're everywhere."

Are Florida and Michigan Red Herrings?

2008-03-27T16:33:00.005-05:00

The clamor for a re-vote in Florida and Michigan is growing increasingly loud as the Democrat's nomination continues without a clear winner. Talking heads shoot the word disenfranchise at one another and the smell of hyperbole is thick in the air. But is it all for naught? Do Florida and Michigan really matter? Or is this another example of how little faith the American political system has in the American people?

Florida and Michigan moved their primaries ahead of the schedule set by the Democratic National Committee so that they would play a larger role in selecting the nominee. Why should a state the size of New Hampshire have more weight than a Florida or Michigan? Technically New Hampshire, no matter how early it votes, represents the same number of delegates no matter what. Unfortunately, because state primaries are spread out over almost a year, the primaries are a sort of race. They're like the racing games at the arcade. You have to finish your lap in a certain amount of time to continue, if you don't make it in that time you have to put another quarter in to keep racing. But with the primaries, if you don't finish those first couple of laps in 1st, 2nd or 3rd people stop giving you quarters to finish the race. A candidate who stalls in the first couple of primaries, but would otherwise do well nationally, is left staring at a flashing "GAME OVER" with no quarters to be had. So in that sense, those early states like New Hampshire with 30 delegates do have more say than Michigan and its 156 delegates. They essentially get to pick who the rest of the country votes for.

Understandably, Florida and Michigan didn't like this setup, and probably more states than that. But they were the only ones to defy DNC rules and move up their primaries. Only now their delegates don't count. Whether they should count, have a re-vote, or split the delegates isn't really that important. The real question is will they make a difference? If you look at the numbers, it's easy to see that they won't. Neither candidate has a chance to gain enough delegates need to win the nomination. Because of party rules, this thing is already out of the hands of the voters. Florida and Michigan aren't the only ones being disenfranchised, the entire country is.

Because we have a political system with delegates, superdelegates, and an electoral college the vote of the common citizen means very little. Don't believe me? Ask Al Gore. Ask the next nominee of the Democrat Party. The next nominee might have the most votes, but believe me, that's not how he/she will be chosen. It could just as easily go the other way. How would they do it and remain "democratic"? Let's say Hillary wins the nomination without the most votes. She would have done so because the superdelegates all magically decided to vote for her, giving her the nomination. That's what those superdelegates are for, to ensure that the will of the party can override the will of the people.

That's not to say your vote doesn't count. It counts in the sense that the more a candidate has, the longer that candidate can stay in the race. But party elders are ultimately the ones who decide which candidate crosses the finish line first.

Keep Your Lead, China! I've Brought My Own

2008-03-26T12:54:00.015-05:00

China has been getting a lot of heat again, this time for its military reaction to the protests in Tibet. Tibetans have used the Beijing Olympics as a springboard for their campaign, not of independence, but to say "Hey, quit being such an asshole" in their nomadic-mountain-folk-Buddhist way. China knew this was going to happen.

The Olympics presented a golden opportunity for Tibetans to get some media attention after about a decade of neglect (where the hell did you go Beastie Boys?) Conversely, it gave China a chance to show that it wasn't so bad, it wasn't trying to breed Tibetan's out of existence by importing ethnic Chinese into the region. And so, to the concerns and criticisms leveled by the Tibetan protesters, China's released this carefully crafted response: "Fuck you!" Fuck you in the form of thousands of troops occupying Lhasa, hundreds of arrests, and many dead.

So they've got that going for them.

To be honest, I was afraid the Tibetans weren't going to get their five minutes. Before the protests, there was a lot of talk that this was going to be the Darfur Olympics. Everyone was going to protest and boycott the Beijing Olympics because China has been sucking oil out of a troubled region for the past eight years. Nevermind the people that have been killed, displaced, and oppressed for more than fifty years.

And nevermind China's other issues with human rights, pollution, and puppy murders. Recently China made the point to call America's human rights record into question. America has a terribly high prison population, among other things wrong with the country, but it doesn't negate China's record. Like the estimated 10,000 people executed each year (NYTIMES). I say estimated, because China doesn't really release those numbers, so it's up to different watchdog groups to figure out. I imagine it's easy to keep a low prison population when death is the punishment for most crimes. Can you imagine being executed for downloading an mp3? Some people should for the crap they listen to, but that's neither here nor there.

To add to the injustice, the executed's family are charged for the cost of the execution. On the face of it, this doesn't sound like a bad idea, particularly for a communist country. After all, the bullet isn't free. It's the People's Bullet. Why should the People have to pay for something to the benefit of the individual?

My questions is, can you bring your own bullet? I don't need anything fancy. There's no need to use uranium tipped, armor piercing, hollow point, gold jacketed .50 cal rounds. At the same time, I don't want a .22 bullet bouncing around in my skull, destroying as many brain functions as possible without killing me. Blow my head off with a plain-jane .45 and I'll be happy. Better yet, here's a steak knife from my kitchen drawer. Let me have an open casket funeral and reduce the financial burden on my family.

If China wants to improve its image and salvage a little dignity for the Olympics (while polluting the world, exploiting and oppressing millions, and executing thousands) the least it can do is kill people with their own cutlery.

In Times of Crisis, Thumbs Make Tasty and Nutritious Treat

2008-03-25T16:40:00.008-05:00

Stranded in the frozen wastes of North Dakota, on a frigid February morning, Michael Strenclaw thought his last days were here. At the tail end of a fourteen hour bread delivery trip, Michael's truck hit a patch of black iceand spun into a station wagon, killing the family of six inside. Michael's vehicle flew off the road and was engulfed in a snow drift. The snowy tomb prevented any doors from being opened, and obscured all signs of the vehicle. Lost, hypothermic, snow blind and starving Michael knew that his only hope of survival was to consume as much food as he could to generate body heat. But what do you do when your own body is the only food available?

"At first it was hard," Michael says. "But I just thought about those people dead on the street. I saw a kid in the front seat. He was probably 8. He'd probably taste ok." And with that image in his mind, Michael set out to save himself, by eating himself. Creating tiny tourniquets around his thumbs, Michael deadened all sensation to them by cutting off circulation. Every five minutes he would take a test nibble until finally there was no pain. But just because there was no pain, doesn't mean there was no flavor.

"Oh, my god! They were delicious!" Michael claims. "Seriously, I didn't have to put anyting on them at all. I just bit into them. At that point, because of the cold and lack of blood, they were pretty firm, so it was like biting into an apple. Only a meat apple." Three days later, rescuers discovered tracks leading to a large snow drift. There they found Michael on a bed of wonderbread loaves, chewing away on his right big toe.

How could Michael survive so long on so little flesh, and his own flesh at that? The thumbs are believed to be ultra-dense fat repositories. Despite their size, thumbs can contain up to 80% of a body's caloric reserve. This is why many diets and exercise plans fail, as thumb fat is the hardest to lose.

Even though Michael crippled himself to survive, he is thankful to be alive. He gives credit to the family he murdered on the road for saving his life. Had it not been for their mangled remains, he doubts he could have summoned the appetite to autocannibalize himself.

Lou Dobbs == Charlton Heston?

2008-03-24T18:26:00.009-05:00

In 2010 primates will learn sign language and be able to communicate intelligently with humans. This new ability to "speak" will shock the world, throwing their legal status and rights into limbo. In an attempt to avoid future lawsuits, hundreds of research labs across the country will release millions of animals into the workforce. Lou Dobbs will finally shut the hell up about Mexicans and worry about the real threat to the nation's economy: those damn dirty apes!

Butt bugs Got You Down?

2008-03-22T10:36:00.018-05:00

You can't see them. You can't hear them. But chances are, you know someone who has them. And the odds are good that you'll get them, too. Do you find yourself or a loved one uptight, quick to anger, overly critical, and/or argumentative? If so, sphincter mites could be the cause.

This year, three out of four people in the world will be diagnosed with sphincter mites, also know as butt bugs. Five out of six people in America will be diagnosed with them.

Sphincter mites are microscopic parasites that live and breed in the internal rectal wall of humans. It is unknown how they spread from one host to another, but it is believed that their eggs become airborne and ingested by the host. The eggs incubate while traveling through the host's intestinal system, and upon being excreted from the bowels, hatch, then crawl back into the host through the anus. Though the mites are parasitic, they are mostly benign to the host throughout their life cycle.

While living, growing and breeding, sphincter mites consume bacteria, nutrients, and spores from fecal matter. Because of this trait, scientists have nicknamed sphincter mites "nature's little chimney sweeps." In the early 1950s, the US government attempted to use this characture of sphincter mites to promote rectal hygiene in elementary schools. Unfortunately, at the time little was understood about the negative effects of the mite.

Complications due to sphincter mites arise as members within the colony begin to die inside the host. Anal plaque, once removed efficiently from the body by the mites, begins to build up and harden at an accelerated rate. Eventually, feces and dead mites impact the colon, causing physical and mental distress. Removal of the mites is costly, time consuming, and embarassing. However, most people with sphincter mites are completely unaware of their condition, and go years without treatment.

According to Dr. Heitnutts of the American Scatological Society, there are several common reactions to an outbreak of sphincter mites. During the initial infestation, as the mites begin to scrub the colon, one might feel a sense of euphoria, or what some describe as righteousness. This feeling is accompanied by a noticeable lack of odor in the stool and intestinal gas. Once the colony beings to die, the host's excretiont patterns become erratic and infrequent. The host will become insecure and hypercritical to everything in its environment. Finally, the colony will be dead, no doubt the colon impacted, and the host will have an irrational desire to shit on everything, particularly things other people enjoy.

Removal of a living sphincter mite colony is impractical, as an ongoing infestation is rarely diagnosed. As of yet, there are no treatments to kill eggs such as with worms and other parasites. Once one has progressed to the final stages of infestation analscopy is the only treament. Using fiber optic cameras and industrial grade forceps, a licensed proctologist has to find what crawled up there and died, and pull it out.

Bin Laden's Been Gettin' Busy

2008-03-21T13:09:00.006-05:00

Osama Bin Laden's latest recording was released early this week on cassette tape, eschewing digital trends sweeping through the recording industry. Jihadists around the world have been anticipating this release for months, but was it worth the wait?

Since 2002 Bin Laden has been know more for spelunking than funky beats, wicked rhymes, or Jihadism. Questions about his relevance have grown among once loyal followers, and tabloid covers have America asking if Brittney is the new face of terrorism. Now with a new tape out, and a whole new spin on life, supPublish Postporters say Bin Laden is back, and back with a 'tude.

On his new tape, Bin Laden shifts his focus from America, and calls out the Pope and European cartoonists. Unofortunately, most of the tape feels dated as it devolves into a he said/she said rant about the pope, but it could just as easily be about Bush or sand fleas. After hearing only a few minutes of his diatribe, one can only think-- this is so 2003. Other targets for Bin Laden's wrath are those who would reproduce images of the prophet, including cartoonists, ice sculptors, confectionists, and action figure manufacturer McFarlane Toys. Ironically, the one highlight of the recording is a surprise holla to Far Side cartoonist Gary Larson, whom Bin Laden calls a "kindred spirit." While calling for the deaths of pedestrians and fruit sellers, Bin Laden officially names "the chicken of despair" as the Al Qaida mascot.

Despite all the hype leading up to this most recent Osama release, one can't help wonder if Jihadists will be left a little disappointed. The venom and menace once focused so heavily on America, seems lame and cruel when targeted on dutch cartoonists and a geriatric kraut. With Bush soon leaving office, and an imminent foreign policy shift in America, Bin Laden might think he has won the war on terror. But at what cost? Maybe he proves the old Saudi adage: It's better to blow up than to fade away.

It's Thursday, March 20th

2008-03-20T10:45:00.004-05:00

I woke up today and it is Thursday... again!

Not only is it thursday, but it is the 20th of March. Can you believe that shit? Who knew there were that many days in a month. On a lighter note, it's still 2008. Aren't we blessed to wake up each morning to such surprises and miracles?

Food for thought: eggs.

This is why I love my iPhone.

2008-02-13T17:17:00.000-06:00

2008-02-02T14:02:00.000-06:00

Did you ever notice that old people always seem to have that look on
their face that says "fuck you. I was here first."

Sent from my iPhone

Saul Williams NiggyTardust ready for download [label/DRM-free distribution]

2007-11-04T23:51:00.001-06:00

The time has come! Pre-order emails for Saul Williams' THE INEVITABLE RISE AND LIBERATION OF NIGGYTARDUST, produced by Trent Reznor, have been distributed. The album is available for free at 192kbps bitrate or 320kps/lossless if you put forward some cash. Please support this artist and label/DRM-free distribution!

read more | digg story

For You, World

2007-10-09T12:36:00.000-05:00

Lil' Stinker goes under the knife today. It was a hard decision, but I think it's in everyone's best interest.

Over the weekend we all went to Woofstock. It's a little get together in the park for people and dogs to mingle, make contacts, and sniff each other's butts. Along the main thruway there were booths for various businesses and hucksters from the community. Towards the back of the park, set off a bit from the rest of the crowd, a woman had set up a little tent under the shade of a dead sycamore. Lil' Stinker had to crap really bad and this was the clearest spot, so we headed over.

Turns out the woman was a fortune teller, and she was one of only five people who could read someone's fortune from their droppings. Intrigued, I gave her five bucks and lead her to wear Lil' Stinker was finishing a hearty bowel movement. The woman sank down to her knees and plunged both hand into the turds. All around us it was quiet, as though the park was frozen time. The only sound was a faint squishing noise as the fortune teller squeezed the poop between her fingers.

Long story short, she made a series of dramatic grunts and writhing movements, then said that Lil' Stinker's sixth pup from her sixth litter would be the anti christ. We all laughed. She was no fortune teller, just a crazy woman kneeling in dog shit.

And that's what we thought until Lil' Stinker pulled a knife on Mrs. Danglewood. We've been trying to switch her to a healthier diet for some time. But when Mrs. D was filling the dog bowl with Science Diet Lil' Stinker tried to shank her with a filed down milk bone. So we've put away the Science Diet and she's back to eating neighbor babies.

But if that wasn't bad enough, Lil' Stinker has gotten really arrogant about the whole thing. She keeps calling herself Whore of Babylon, and Satan's Mommy. She says that the dark lord will suckle from her hellish teats, and when you're not looking she tries to milk them in your soda. So we've decided to nip this whole thing in the bud and have her spayed. Because if she's like this now, she'll be completely intolerable after birthing baby satan. So, you're welcome, apocalyptos. The end still isn't nye.

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

The People Who Watch Us Sleep at Night

2007-09-21T01:52:00.000-05:00

When you turn the lights out at night, and crawl between cool, comfortable sheets, you are not alone. It is dark but for the street lights or moon peaking through the windows, but it is more than enough for Them to see. The People Who Watch Us Sleep at night do not watch with human eyes.

As you drift off to sleep, They stare at you through air conditioner vents, and under door cracks. They listen to you breathe and snore and sleepily murmur through snoozing clock radios and turned-off TVs. You might wake, totally sure someone else is in the room with you, but you can't see Them through the shadows. And you can't hear Them over your own heart beat. The only sense that detects Them is your knowing. So you roll over, and try to forget that you know.

Once you are deep asleep, They bound from one shadow to the next, until They crouch huddled around your bed. The deeper you go into sleep, the closer They draw to your body. They crawl under your sheets and blankets. Some melt up from under the bed. Toward the end of the night, They are suffocatingly close, like a plastic bag over the head. When They are not listening, They are telling. They speak into your mouth, so each breath we take draws Them in. The first thing you taste in the morning will be Their whispers. They taste like dirty black licorice.

The things they say are warnings, or threats. They will not hurt you. They just watch. But the more you fill up on Their sayings, the more forgetful you become. Their words build up like plaque on your brain, and you forget to do little things; like brush your teeth before bed, say your prayers, or lock the front door. They drift out through the unlocked door, and someone with rope and pliers slips in. And when you wake up, if you wake up, you will absolutely know you are completely alone.

Toys

2007-09-20T14:40:00.000-05:00

When Teddy was brought home he was like any other new bear. He had shiny button eyes, soft clean fur, and was soft as a pillow. But when the human society found him, he was anything but. He was missing an eye, the end of one paw had been chewed off, and half his stuffing had been pulled out. half his body was soaked through with urine, and the back of his head was covered with some crusted fluid. Teddy had definitely seen better days.

Unfortunately, Teddy's store is all too common. Every year, thousands of plush animals are abandoned to the streets and landfills of America. Some are found and rehabilitated, but most aren't.

Rebecca Moines, co-founder of Furry Rescue, has seen a lot of orphaned plush since she started her rescue group in 1987. Since then, her organization has rescued over five thousand animals. She says teddy bears are the most common animal to be abandoned, however monkeys and dinosaurs are on the rise.

"The number one problem, besides people abandoning their toys, is that they don't fix them," Rebecca says. Most plush toys aren't spayed or neutered, and even fewer are taught to socialize with people or animals. Rebecca says this only compounds the problem. "They fuck everything," she says. Some have suggested this is a defense mechanism for a creature with no natural defenses, claws and teeth are usually only put on plastic toys.

Rebecca herself has been the victim of several sexual assaults from stuffed animals. Politicians and victim-rights groups seeking to outlaw plush animals point out that 30 percent of registered sex offenders are Beanie Babies. Despite her experiences, Rebecca continues to reach out to help the lost and desperate plush animals. "We have to remember that at one time, these little guys were a child's best friend." She admits that it's sometimes easy to forget when one is violently humping your leg.

A week after Teddy is brought in by Furry, he has been washed, restuffed, stitched up, and had a new eye sewed on. He's also been neutered. "It's a simple operation," Rebecca explains. "It just takes a seam-ripper. But why toy companies continue to sew penises on these poor animals is beyond me."

The next step for Teddy is to try and have him placed in a home. The volunteers at Furry are realistic about his chances. Teddy, despite being cleaned up and fixed, has a lot of competition from new bears to hand-held video games. Still, there will always be a closet for Teddy, and hundreds of plush friends just like him, at Furry Rescue.

If you have plush animals, please have them spayed or neutered.

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Barack Obama Seeks Nomination, Oscar Nomination

2007-09-19T15:11:00.000-05:00

Presidential candidate Barack Obama is getting a lot of attention lately, and not just for his health care plan. Despite slipping in the polls, Obama has been getting praise for his dramatic portrayal of white men. Civil rights activist Jesse Jackson has been the latest to take note of Obama's performance, citing Obama's reaction to the Jena case as being dead-on white. This has lead many to speculate about an Oscar nod in the Senator's future.

Despite Obama's rave reviews, critics have historically been mixed when it comes to off-race acting. Marshall Mathers recieved critical and public acclaim for his daring performance as black rapper Eminem. However, Ned Holness has been the subject of attacks and low ratings for his dual roles as Latino comedian Carlos Mencia and black comedian Richard Pryor. Other black men attempting to play white, such as Michael Jackson, have had mixed results.

Oscar nominations will be announced Tuesday, January 22, 2008.

George Bush is the Smartest Man on the Planet?

2007-09-17T16:59:00.000-05:00

Last week General Patreus gave congress a sobering report about the state of the war in Iraq. Not only has the Iraqi government failed at nearly every task in securing itself, but the General could not say if the war made America safer, the sole purpose for the military to be engaged in any conflict. A common theme used by the White House, and echoed by the General, was that if we leave Iraq now, as is, Iran will step in and fill the void. Each week we've been fed more reports about Iran. They are building a nuclear weapon. They are supplying Iraqi insurgents with weapons to kill Americans. And they are possibly working with Al Qaeda in Afghanistan. It would seem that, rather than defending the war in Iraq, the White House is laying grounds for another war with Iran. They have all but declared the Iranian army a terrorist organization. And each time Iraq or Afghanistan is mentioned, Iran is quickly inserted into the conversation. It would seem the White House is bungling itself into another conflict in a tense region, with an overly-stressed military, and an unsupporting electorate. But what George Bush has really been doing is the culmination of a 4 year plan to sucker the French into a war with Iran.

It started in 2003 when America invaded Iraq without UN (French) approval. They were insulted. Called us war mongers. We countered with freedom fries. After the invasion, the French asked to be a part of the rebuilding process. We told them to fuck off, then completely dismantled the Iraqi Army, Police Force, and national government. The American image was tarnished, we were seen as incompetent, imperialist bullies, but the French were emasculated.

The second part of the plan was to bolster Iran. A lot of saber rattling from the US gave Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad the attention he needed to seem a threat. And exercising diplomacy instead of carpet bombing showed the world that this is a threat America was not prepared to take on. This opens the door for the French. They've been humiliated and ignored by the President. They've had thousands of years being the rude, arrogant assholes of the world, and now the Yankees come in and kick them to the curb. Well, they're not going to take it anymore. If America is too cowardly to take on Iran, the French will show them how it's done.

That's the plan, and it seems to be working. Sunday, French Foreign Minister Bernard Kouchner said that the world should be prepared for war if Iran goes nuclear. However, proving that there is still at least one guy in France still without his balls, Prime Minister Francois Fillon said everything needed to be done to prepare for war.

Screw that, I say. France needs to get that war machine going. Have some pride. Go shoot someone. Because if this isn't the Bush plan, if we really are the incompetent bullies we appear to be, and George Bush really isn't the smartest man on the planet, then we're in for a lot of shit. So, please. France. Beat us to the punch. Show the world you really are a bigger bunch of assholes than we are.

Waiting for the Cable Guys

2007-09-13T10:14:00.000-05:00

Today we're finally getting HD Cable at Danglewood Manor. And as of right now, we're waiting for the cable guy for the second time. This morning, as I walked Lil' Stinker for her morning constitutional, I saw two cable guys packing up a van, preparing to leave. I asked if they were here to turn on my cable. Yes, they were, but they couldn't find the cable box. So apparently, that was that. They were leaving; job unfinished, cable low def, and Lil' Stinker making pudding on my foot.

I showed them where the cable box was. At Danglewood Manor, the cable box is not kept hidden by lasers, radioactive scorpions, or satanic ninjas. It's in the stairway between the 2nd and 3rd floor. Unfortunately, a little lock proved too much for the easily defeated cable guys. Despite wearing tool belts laden with drills, hammers, clippers, and jangling key rings, they could not penetrate it.

So they left, job unfinished, cable low def, and Lil' Stinker biding her time. The bastards said they would be back when High Steward David arrives. And so, we wait.

Led Zeppelin Reunites, the Devil Squeels With Glee!

2007-09-09T02:50:00.000-05:00

According to Yahoo's music blog, Robert Plant is in talks with guitarist Jimmy Page and bassist John Paul Jones about doing a Led Zeppelin reunion show. Some might recall more than ten years ago Plant and Page got together to record a CD and do a world tour. The move had many people screaming "What about the curse?!?" The curse they referred to was the one that broke Plant's leg, killed his son and drummer John Bonham. As the tragedies fell, one after another, like angels from heaven, it seemed the Dark Lord Satan had come to collect for 10 plus years of rocking. Plant and Page consulted mystical oracles from Aleister Crowley's mage tower in Scotland, and with the blessing of the Zephyrs, dissolved the band. For his own protection, John Paul Jones was never informed.

All seemed well for the survivors of the Zepp. They had made a solemn oath to never rock so hard again, and like the most chaste monk, kept the vow admirably with forgettable solo carreers. Yet the world around them suffered. Global climate change, rampant disease, nuclear proliferation, and terrorism gripped the planet. The people called out for song to cheer their weary hearts, and got R. Kelley pissing on a teenager. It is during these dark times when the Sinister One is most dangerous. In the land of rain and coffee was a golden haired axe-man, who tore the air with his screams and broken guitar strings. The people had a champion, maybe one who would give no quarter to the enemy. But the Lord of Abortions fell upon his weaknesses, and slew him by a temptress' hand.

And the people cried out! The men of Zeppelin could stand it no longer, and chanced a reunion. Robert Plant and Jimmy Page came together once again, drawing together musicians from all over the world to help them rekindle the magic of rock, and heal the world. For his own protection, John Paul Jones was never informed.

It was a chance they were taking. It was a chance the Fell Thing desired; to draw the three together, to reseal the oath made so long ago upon a moon-lit crossroad. Yet a duo they remained. And they rocked... acoustically.

Now it appears they've grown bolder. To reunite all three as one is to risk eternal damnation. many times has Led Zeppelin given to the world, now the world must give back. The three must not reunite. We must take what they have given us, some of the greatest rock ever made, and teach it to our young ones. Bring it into our homes and schools. They have sacrificed much to give us what they have, let it not be in vain. Surely, the world does not need them to suffer more for us to appreciate what we already have.

Comeback Story of the Year Rick Ankiel Accused of HGH Use, But Still Not an Asshole

2007-09-07T09:02:00.000-05:00

It was reported in the New York Daily News this morning that Cardinals baseball player Rick Ankiel acquired HGH in 2004. The slugger has made headlines for his improbable conversion from pitcher to outfielder, and the dramatic homeruns he has hit since his August call-up from the minor leagues. Ankiel originally broke into the majors with the Cardinals in 1999 as a fireball throwing pitcher, with a wicked 12-6 curve. However, a bout of wildness in the 2000 playoffs sent Ankiel into a spiral of arm trouble and uncertainty. Close to hanging up the cleats forever, Ankiel attempt the startling conversion to the outfield. Since his call up to the major leagues in mid-august, Ankiel has 9 homeruns and 27 RBIs.

The accusation of HGH use surely taints what has been one of the few feel good stories in this year's baseball season. Sports in general have had it rough with the Bonds allegations, the Michael Vick fiasco, and the NBA referee scandal. The enthusiasm for the Ankiel story will definitely be cooled now with this recent information. People might starting throwing the cheater label around despite the facts that this happened 3 years ago, HGH use was not against MLB rules until 2005, and that there is no reported use or possession of HGH once it was prohibited.

Considering the hate and venom that has been spewed at Bonds, perhaps it's only fair that the same happen with Ankiel. It's unclear if Bonds really broke any "rules", yet people feel he tarnished the game, and soiled quite a few records. The moment he broke Hank Aaron's all-time homerun record people immediately jumped on the A-Rod bandwagon. Millions prayed for 5 more healthy seasons so the record could be taken back by a "good guy." But long before the record, and to some extent, long before allegations of drug use, Bonds was a hated player. His skill as a player was eclipsed only by his arrogance. People have a difficult time relating to someone whose most notable trait, besides his monstrously gigantic head, is a distant and chilly demeanor.

I doubt Ankiel will feel such wrath from the fans. Though a slight shadow has been cast on his achievement, Ankiel has been anything but a Bonds like asshole. Despite his improbable rise, dramatic homeruns, and the slow ascent of the Cardinals in the standings, Ankiel has been humble and thankful. As long as he continues doing what he's doing, the fans will still be there. They will not be as enthusiastic. They will be heard sighing wistfully for the Comeback Kid Story of two days ago. But they will see a kid a having fun playing a game-- and so long as he remains as he has been, people can imagine themselves as that kid. And they will always root for the player they can see as themselves.

Axe Body Wash Makes Like Chinese Michael Vick, Murders Puppies With Lead-Based Treats

2007-09-06T11:19:00.000-05:00

It's all over the news again: a third recall of Chinese manufactured items, poisoned with lead based paint. The last couple of recalls were crappy toys no one's played with in 5 years, except for poor kids who don't deserve toys in the first place. This time it's Barbie Dolls. Millions of girls and pansy boys from middle class families have been put at risk to the deadly effects of lead poisoning. But the nightmare doesn't end there. Yours-truly has recently discovered that another, far more important segment of the population, has been endangered by the greedy corporations, negligent manufacturers, and lead-spewing Chinese: the erotic toy-duck aficionado and his pet dog.

I recently purchased an Axe Body Wash Collector's Edition. i was in need of soap to showers, but I was lured to that product in particular by the free, sexy rubber-ducky included with the package. How could I resist? Little did I know that the sexy rubber-ducky was manufactured in China, and could possibly have killed or poisoned me.

Below I have reprinted an email I sent to Unilever, producers of Axe Body Wash; Accoutrements, toy-duck manufacturer; the Chinese Embassy; and the Consumer Product Safety Commission. The email details my concerns over the safety of their product, my experiences with the product, and some suggested short-term reparations until a recall of the product is made. Should any responses follow, be sure that they will be reprinted on this blog.

WARNING: the following email contains descriptions and scenes some might find upsetting, particularly those living in the imaginary world where money grubbing corporations and foreign countries really care whether or not they kill you with their product after you've purchased it.

To whom it may concern,

I recently purchased an Axe Shower Collector’s Edition with She Devil-Duck. While taking a bath with the She Devil-Duck, I noticed that it was produced in China. With the recent recalls of lead-tainted items manufactured in China, I wondered if the She Devil-Duck might also be subject to a recall.

Though I am concerned about the effects of lead poisoning, I am not familiar with the symptoms. Perhaps if I share my experiences with the She Devil-Duck you could determine whether or not I have been poisoned and/or a recall should take place.

I could not give you an accurate temperature of the bath water, but room temperature was 75 degrees and the water was slightly steaming. There was no soap present in the water, as I take baths to relax and/or masturbate. I placed the She Devil-Duck in the tub when it was about half-way full. While it squeaked adequately enough when squeezed, the She Devil-Duck did not perform so well in the water. Approximately two seconds after floating on the water it fell on its right side. Upon righting the duck, I made particular note of the subtle indentation over the duck's bodice, hinting at an ample bosom. Kudos to your art department for producing something erotic in duck form, yet not stooping to the gutter level of other body wash producers. As I continued my inspection I noticed: the made in China stamp on the bottom; and a few spots where paint had already begun to wear off. I did not know if the lead in your product was heat sensitive or not, but I immediately threw it out of the bath. Other than a slight case of premature pruning of the hands and feet, I can report no other ill effects from your lead poisoned item.

Unfortunately, I can not say the same for Lil' Stinker, the family dog, or our carpet. After tossing away the toxic rubber duck, Lil' Stinker took hold of it, and devoured it on the spot. I theorize that as the lead was activated by the steaming water, it became corrosive, breaking down the rubber, and making it easier for an unsuspecting pet to swallow it and die. As of this writing Lil' Stinker is still with us, her agonizing and inevitable death antagonized by severe bouts of explosive diarrhea. The walls are easy to paint over, however the carpet will be quite costly to replace; emotionally and monetarily. The missus and I first had sex on that carpet and there are some old stains, that have been covered by the new dog stains, which have great sentimental value.

At this moment, I do not seek any sort of compensation, only that this dangerous "toy" be removed from the market. Had any of our children survived their abortions, I shudder to think what tragedies might have taken place were they to come in contact with such a thing. I do suggest that a donation be made in the name of Lil’ Stinker to the American Scatological Society. These unheralded people work tirelessly at the study, treatment, and prevention of fecal morbidity. Perhaps your small act of contrition would save the next Lil’ Stinker from the miserable fate brought on by your charming, poison-filled novelty.

Please do the right thing.

Sincerely,
Barnabas Danglewood.

Awww!

2007-09-05T15:23:00.000-05:00

I got a call late last night from Lil' Stinker. She was in a panic. Through the snorting and licking and wheezing of her short snout, I could hear whimpering.

Her grunts and whimpers were running into each other. Something was wrong, but in her state, I could not tell what.

"Silence, she-bitch!" I shouted. She was silent, and after pacing nervously around in three circles, she sat down and looked up at me. "Now, slow down and tell me what's wrong."

The first thing she told me was that she needed my poop. Or rather, a piece of my poop. One just large enough to pass for the stool sample of an eleven week old bull dog puppy. Not her of course, but a friend of hers that was having a poop analysis done at the vet's in the morning. However, the friend had just finished the last leg of the Iditarod and was severely dehydrated, and thus constipated.

The entire situation struck me as odd, and Lil' Stinkers story didn't add up. I had heard of puppies eating feces and was beginning to wonder if Lil' Stinker had picked up the nasty habit from one of the neighbor dogs. Had the dachshund across the way turned her on to shit? Was this the first sign of a jones coming on, an attempt to con me out of my poo?

I of course refused to help. The story was too shady, I told her. And any sensible vet would reschedule. Finally she broke down into a pile of wrinkles and drool. The poo was for her. She was a candidate for high profile government job. She needed to provide a stool sample to test for worms, parasites, and narcotics. The problem was that until recently she had been a drug mule for a missouri cartel running dope through Kansas. She hid balloons of coke or H in her tail pocket, and if any drug dog got too suspicious, she cried sexual harassment, and he got his balls snipped. Unfortunately, on her last run two nights ago, a german shepherd got a little too frisky. One of the balloons exploded. She spent the last two days thinking she was a fire hydrant. She just came down an hour ago, with enough time to remember her job, the test, and a desperate need for clean shit.

I could tell by the way she licks her butt she wasn't lying to me. She said she'll do anything for me, if only I'll help her out this one time. I thought back to all of her crap I've had to pick up, and all of the stains in the carpet.

"No, Lil' Stinker. No." She can clean up her own mess this time.

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

First Mobile Post

2007-08-28T18:28:00.000-05:00

You're probably asking why a cute puppy picture? Simple answer: I couldn't get one of her taking a shit. .
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

To Catch a Predator

2007-07-19T02:16:00.000-05:00

Mrs. Danglewood is a highly successful graduate student, dedicated to working with special needs children. She is young, beautiful, and has fantastic taste in men. But she has a secret desire that could jeopardize everything. Traveling to rural Kansas, she plans a liaison to satiate that desire. Little does Mrs. Danglwood know, she is about to be part of an un-aired feature on Dateline NBC's "To Catch a Predator."

Using the screen name BulldogBitch, Mrs. Danglewood has attempted to solicit the company of underage bulldogs. Working with local authorities and Dateline NBC, Mutts & Strays Kennel has agreed to provide a decoy to lure this predator to their sting operation.

The decoy is a six month old beagle-bulldog mix, posing as an eight week old English bulldog. Mrs. Danglewood chats with him online for two weeks. The conversations are explicit. In one session she asks "Does your leg shake when your belly is scratched?" Finally, a meeting time and place is scheduled. Mrs. Danglewood will wait across the street from the kennel she thinks the decoy lives at. He will pretend to be ornery and dig a little hole under the fence, cutely wiggle underneath it, then scamper over to her.

Mrs. Danglewood arrives twenty minutes early, but local law enforcement, and the Dateline NBC crew are ready. As the decoy squirms under the fence, Mrs. Danglewood rushes forward to meet him, then stops short as she sees reporter Chris Hansen walking toward her.

"Good afternoon, Mrs. Danglewood." He says. "What did you have planned here?"

"Nothing. Nothing. Just hanging out." She starts to back away, toward the car. She hasn't yet noticed the authorities hiding behind the car, ready to spring into action should she try to flee.

"Really? That's not what it says in these internet transcripts I have here in my hand." Suddenly, reams of paper magically appear in Chris Hansen's hand. They appear to be damning.

"I- I," she stammers, and stares transfixed at Chris Hansen and his handful of her damnation.

He points the transcripts at her. "How old did you think this puppy was?"

"I think he said he was eight weeks."

"Eight weeks. Tsk."

TRANSCRIPT--

BulldogBitch: Have you been weened yet?

Lilstinker: ...

BulldogBitch: Maybe I could help you out with that.

Lilstinker: ...

END OF TRANSCRIPT

Chris Hansen peruses the pages casually. "What kind of things did you want to do with him?"

"I don't know." She looks pleadingly from Hansen to the puppy.

"Hold him?"

"Maybe."

"Pet him?"

"Yes."

"Scratch his belly?"

"Yes."

"Smell his puppy breath?"

Mrs. Danglewood rubs her eyes and sobs as though she were crying.

Soon after, Chris Hansen reveals himself to be a television reporter, that the entire thing has been a sting operation, and Mrs. Danglewood is being filmed for a TV broadcast. Police leap from behind the car, tackling her to the ground. She manages to elbow one in the groin, and bite the ear off another. In the struggle, she wrestles free, disarms one of the officers, and with the cop's firearm, plugs Chris Hansen in the chest six times. The exit wounds spray Lilstinker with Hansen's blood. He shakes himself dry in such an adorable way, then waddles into the car with Mrs. Danglewood. Before speeding off, she looks into the camera and says, "I told you I was a bitch!"

Michael Vick and Dog Fighting

2007-07-17T23:28:00.000-05:00

Michael Vick obviously doesn't read my blog. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, if you wouldn't do it to a baby, you shouldn't do it to an animal. That includes: shooting, hanging, electrocuting, smashing on the ground, starving, burying in the back yard, or sport fighting. I know, baby fighting sounds entertaining, but all it takes is one kid with that single chiclet to really make things messy.

Vick could be innocent. He is until proven guilty. So we won't really know for another 1-2 years, depending on how much his lawyers cost. In the meantime, I would advise that no one let this guy babysit. Maybe he does read my blog. Maybe he can do this to animals, because that's how he treats children. How many bed wetters does he have buried in his back yard?

Vick could be innocent of the charges brought against him. However, someone tortured and murdered those animals on his property. If the feds do a raid on his house and find a backyard full of toddlers, what's his defense going to be? "They're not my bed wetters."

Vick could be innocent. One has to ask, what would make a guy who has so much to lose do something so stupid, so cruel, and so illegal? One could ask that for a number of celebrities and sports figure besides Vick. Maybe he can risk it all, because nothing will be lost. He knows that if caught, he faces a maximum of one slap on the wrist, and a fine up to a year's wages for a burger fryer. But the job will still be there, the fans will still be there. The spot light will still be there, although angled just a bit so the pile of dog carcasses don't upstage him.

However, if Vick is found guilty, he could face up to six years in prison and a fine of $350,000. Even if he did get the maximum, it seems kinda light to me. Six years for someone who slaughtered animals purely for sport? Check that, tortured animals purely for sport. Their murder was the most humane thing done to them. Do we want a guy on the street whose past time is torturing animals? Not the streets of America anyway.

Perhaps he was just auditioning for a job with the CIA. Maybe he already had a job with the CIA. Being an NFL quarterback was just a cover, and these dogs were really enemy combatants. First they were secreted away to a clandestine prison in Virginia, a sort of no-mans land for international law. To get them to talk, they forced the dogs to do humiliating tricks like play dead, beg, and sing. When that didn't work, they were stacked into canine pyramids, and photographed wearing cute sweaters, hats and little booties. Finally, Special Agent Vick and his toadies were brought in to work them over. Sadly, torture proved just as ineffective with these dogs as it has with humans. Whatever secrets they had, they took with them to a shallow grave in Virginia. But it was all for National Security.

So the question then becomes, who gave the order? President Bush? Vice President Cheney? NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell? Or those who continue to put these people in a position of authority, the season ticket holder?