The Refuge

Familiarity Breeds Love?

jessefalleur@verizon.net — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 13:08:00 PST

I did something that I haven't done in two years. Open an old bible study guide called "The Word as a Way of Life" something that I used to read all the time. Why did I ever stop? Rediscovering God's Word and the love I once had for it, is even better then when I first started. It doesn't hurt to have the sounds of Christmas music in the background. As I was reading Matthew chapter one, I wondered if Joseph would pat Mary's very pregnant belly and sing, "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas?" Probably not, but it's a funny thought.

I also was curious why no one's written Christmas songs from the angle of Elizabeth, Zechariah, and John the Baptist? All those people were instrumental in this awesome God ordained arrangement of Jesus birth too. Granted it's all about Jesus, but I guess I try to think outside of the box, and look at things from a different perspective.

So, doing laundry, reading the Bible, and decorating our little artificial Christmas tree. I may also get a walk in the cold cold winter weather, because the sun decided to actually shine. It's been overcast lately, and I tend to get really depressed. Yes, I know how dumb that sounds, but it's true.

Also, I want to leave a short thanks for my Grandpa. It was wonderful visiting him and Grandma for Thanksgiving. He left a brochure on "God's Word is under Attack!" on his desk and I actually read it. How is it possible to forget that the enemy will always try to get me to doubt God's Word? After I read the brochure, I had renewed confidence in God's Word being true. Now, I don't necessarily agree that everyone should only read the King James Version, but neither do I agree that everyone should read anything but the King James Version as God's Word. That's just my opinion, and it may change.

My problem isn't the ability to read the Bible, it's the old saying "familiarity breeds contempt" by Mark Twain. I've read the Bible dozens of times in several non-heretical versions, including King James Version. What I think is changing is allowing God's Word to read into me and my life. Not just offering up flowery poetic prayers, but honest broken prayers filled with emotion.

I'm listening to very familiar Christmas songs. I could just let them pass me by without thinking about how exceptional Jesus is. What would we be singing each year if He never came? Would their be songs of celebration, redemption, and love of and for God? Who knows?

All I know is that I want to face the past, and not run from it. Listening to Christmas music while reading the Bible is a good idea. It's like falling in love again. Merry Christmas.

Here are two websites that I thought were intersting and gave me some insight on Twain's quote "Familiarity Breeds Contempt".

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/m/marktwain107757.html

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/shift-mind/201010/does-familiarity-breed-contempt

I'm no angel

jessefalleur@verizon.net — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 08:49:19 PST

"But I am not surprised! Even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light."
II Corinthians 11:14 NLT

It's easy to fall into Satan's traps. He's been decieving mankind since the beginning. He knows exactly what to say, and how to say it to get us to follow his stupid advice. But most Christians, including myself, already know all this. But I thought of something new yesterday, that hadn't crossed my mind before.

If Satan can change "himself as an angel of light", the purpose would be to make us believe him completely and think of him as nothing more innocent than one of God's messengers.

I am constantly thinking things about myself that may not be true throughout the day as most people do. But I didn't consider, as a good man I know pointed out, that Satan may be trying to lie to me by pretending to be the most trusting person I know...myself.

Things like: "God has abandoned you. You have no future. You will never marry or be a husband and father. You will never be able to be a part of ministry as a laymen or otherwise. When you need help the most, no one will be there."

I know that none of those things are true. I have the Word of God, the Bible, to tell me otherwise on several of those things, and I'm sure most of my friends would consider those statements to be ridiculous. Most lies are. I have yet to hear a lie that someone has truly believed that was not absolutely positively far fetched. God is constantly aware of us, and with us. God has plans for a great future, it's a place called Heaven, where all the souls that I shared the Gospel with will be. I've only lived 30 years, how can I know what will happen in the next 30 years? With God all things are possible, including marriage, and being a father. Although not everyone is called to full time ministry, everyone is qualified and able to minister all the time. GOD WILL BE FAITHFUL. That was the big theme that I found in serious studies of the Scipture. How could I spend so much time in deep fellowship, worship, evangelism, and so on, and not remember what God had spoken to my heart? GOD WILL BE FAITHFUL. Satan wants me to think the opposite that God will drop the ball. I have yet to find a verse that states that in Scripture. In fact, I find that humanity drops the ball, but God keeps everything in place.

You may laugh at my set of lies that the enemy shoots like arrows at my heart, but I'm sure that you have your own that are pretty silly too.

Anyway, just some random thoughts for the day. Going for some fellowship, and a dose of truth. I'm looking forward to tithing for the first time in a while. I actually was cracking myself up by taking the song "You can fly!" from Disney's Peter Pan, and making it "You can tithe, you can tithe, you can tithe!" Off I go to church. Pray for me. :)

Coffee, Theology, and Me

jessefalleur@verizon.net — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 20:21:56 PDT

For some reason, I feel like writing tonight. It's not that I think I have anything special to say, it's just something I feel like doing. I had a great talk with a friend about coffee, theology, and my story. It's not often I get a chance to really tell someone everything that's going on in my life.

The conversation was really encouraging, and I needed to hear a lot of things that were said. It's very easy for me to fall into a trap of performance based acceptance, and forget about the grace of God. I loved the illustration that Steve showed me of a bike going down the road of grace, and the two ditches of license, and liberality you can fall into on the left or right. When I was a kid I used to love riding my bicycle. I could do tricks, like putting my legs on the handlebars, balancing the bars without my hands, and even balancing the weight of my body on the main bar. The reason I mention all this is that I think spiritually I've become so focused on staying on the road, that I've forgotten that I can have fun. The road is there to provide freedom, obviously with responsibilty, but it just really made sense to me.

Although God has been restoring me back to worship, and even volunteering to lead Bible discussions, I don't do so naively. I understand perfectly well that I have an enemy who is not happy with my decisions.

"For God has not given us the spirit of fear,
but of love, power, and a sound mind" (II Timothy 1:7)

Slowly, I am learning to depend on Christ. Normally, I would say that I am coming back to my old self, but that's not true. God has shown me my life in a totally different way and it requires me to change. I'm not perfect. There's no formula for righteousness. I will fall and make mistakes. Thank God for his "grace that is greater than all our sin." It's not a license, but it's not a burden either.

It's cooperating with a very generous friend,
It's knowing that I never have to put up my guard again,
The courage to speak out, instead of holding it in,
Letting tears out, holding love within,
It's everything I'm missing, when I don't confess my sin,
Much more then the blessing, I'm saying over and over again,
Love is too small a word to contain it, it's impossible to drain it,
It's grace.
It's grace.
It's grace.
It's grace.
And it's grace.

Hope you like my poem/lyrics. I just made it up.

Goodnight.

Time

jessefalleur@verizon.net — Thu, 11 Aug 2011 14:41:52 PDT

Wow. It's been a long time since I've typed anything on my blog here. Some of it is on purpose, because I haven't finished any books lately. I didn't realize that prospective employers can view what I post here, so it's good to be mindful of what I write.

I've been reading my journal that I wrote over six months ago and remembering what was going on in my life and comparing it to today. It's really cool when you can see change in your life. I had a lot of those, "Did I really think that?" moments.

Tonight, will be the first time I've led worship in a public setting in over a year in a half. I know it doesn't sound like much, but it's a really big step for me. I'm glad this time I'm not by myself, that I'm playing with a group at my church, and it's going to be fun.

This past week has been just, to coin a phrase from "Nickelous Nickelby" by Charles Dickens, "wondrous strange". I was just very peaceful for no reason at all. I think it's just a whole bunch of things at once. I can't really figure it out, and really don't desire to. I was thinking about that line from the hymn "O Victory in Jesus" that says "and somehow Jesus came and brought to me the victory."

If anyone's praying out there, thanks, and I owe you one.

"Is God to Blame?"

jessefalleur@verizon.net — Mon, 18 Apr 2011 21:58:38 PDT

"Is God to Blame?" by Gregory A. Boyd.

All my friends are probably sick of me going on and on about this book. I really enjoyed it, and it was very encouraging to me.

For me it was helpful to see how bad theology can cause some people to abandon the faith. I love how this author takes us from viewing God as this figure who's out there somewhere to Jesus being the "exact imprint" of God. There's actually a lot of deep theology going on, and quite a bit of discussion on Romans 9 toward the end, but the best thing about this book is that it helps when you're hurting. I didn't realize until reading this book, that we can read verses from a philosophical slant. The author refers to it as "the blueprint worldview", and I love how he substitutes it for a "warfare worldview". Take a look around, does life look like a picnic to you? Something terrible has happened to creation. There's a cosmic spiritual battle going on that we know even less about, then we do the complexity of creation. What's worse is how God gets the blame, while Satan gets off scott free. God's will is always good, not evil. He hates wickedness, that's why He sent His Son. No, God is not to blame. Sometimes, it's the enemy, and/or other people.

This book has brought back a small spark of passion that I thought was gone forever. After all, how can I love God, if He's the One who has given me all these problems? How can I trust Him, if he is the orchestrator of all the pain in my life? Those are real questions, and they deserve real answers. This book points to Jesus, and helps clarify difficult passages, and break down ridiculous worldviews.

Although, to the best of my knowledge, this book seems to nudge the opposite direction of Calvinism (Arminianism), I still believe that Scripture supports both. I just needed a reminder of Jesus, in a way that wasn't superficial, as the man who suffers with me, not the great cosmic architect who has nothing to do with me.

In short, it's a good read, lots of Scripture, and wets my appetite for theology. If that's what taking theology courses is like, sign me up.

Facebook, and such

jessefalleur@verizon.net — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 08:03:17 PDT

So, I'm going on day 23 of no facebook. I said some pretty stupid things about somebody, and I had to apologize. I decided then and there, to take a break from facebook. It's funny. I didn't realize that facebook will send you emails letting you know how long it's been since you've checked your account.

After next Monday I will access my account, I promise. I guess my last status update sounded kind of cryptic "need prayer". There was a lot going on at the time, and I decided to pull the plug for awhile.

Paul Baloche is going to play at my church this Friday, and I'm excited about that. Tickets were dirt cheap, only $10, and Bent Tree is a great place for an artist to come play. So, I think it's going to be good.

I'm also working on a "lifemap" which is a testimony that I've decided to do as a video. It's not an easy process for me to work through, but I think it is profitable. There's a saying I've heard that I really disliked at first, but I'm starting warm up to. "We neither want to dwell in the past, nor forget it." I would rather forget a lot that has happened recently, but if I did, then no one else would benefit from it, and God would not be given a chance to redeem what has happened to me for His purposes.

McKinney

jessefalleur@verizon.net — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 07:35:53 PDT

I finally got to make the long trip to the city I was born in. It's a very rural place, but the downtown area looks great with different shops everywhere. They converted the old courthouse into a performing arts center, and it looks like it came out of "Hill Valley" from "Back to the Future".

Seriously, it's important for me to really discover what life was like before I was born. I usually learn best by seeing things, and if McKinney can be restored from nothing into something, maybe I can too?

We got to see "Central Baptist Church" were my father was the pastor who preached so hard that his suit was covered in sweat. My mom said he looked like he had been in the rain every Sunday.

It was fun hearing stories about Andy, Ben, and my sister Evelyn when they were all very young. I had no clue that one of my older siblings had no desire to be a preacher. I'll give you three guesses.

Although we got to see some great shops, and even ventured on further to other cities to see where we lived in Allen, and Lewisville. I still have yet to find the exact location of Mitchell Maternity Clinic. I took a couple of "photographs", yes that word does still exist, of some books to look up at the local library.

I know that it doesn't matter to somebody else, but it means something to me to find this patch of earth. It's were I started, and God willing, it's where I want to start all over again.

Something New

jessefalleur@verizon.net — Tue, 08 Feb 2011 09:38:30 PST

I'm excited about some of the things God is doing in my life. New songs. New friendships. Fresh revelation of truth that I understood with my head, but forgot with my heart. I've just written a song called "New Creation" based off the verse in II Corinthians 2:17.

To be honest, I just sat down Sunday afternoon glanced at a list of verses to memorize and thought someone should write a song based off that verse. I think God moved through the song to minister to my heart. I was actually weeping by the end of the song. So, this theme of being a new creation just is resonating deep within me, and I'm going for my usual walk around the block with my ipod when this hymn came on. Yes, I know how unusual it is for someone my age to have "America's 100 Best Loved Hymns" on my ipod, but I do. They're actually really good. I can't believe people don't sing them anymore.

"The Church's one foundation,
is Jesus Christ her Lord,
She is His "new creation" ,
By water and the Word,
From Heaven He came and sought her,
To be His holy bride;
With His own blood He bought her,
And for her life He died,"- "The Church's one foundation" (empasis and quotes mine).

Cool, huh?

It's even cooler to find out one of my best friends, Matt, just got engaged this past Sunday and another friend Benny from college is getting married too. It's kinda crazy to think that God has used my life in some way in their lives. I'm excited to see what God will do next.

Forgotten Wonderland

jessefalleur@verizon.net — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 10:09:32 PST

It's strange to wake up to a wintry wonderland. As I type this, I'm watching the falling snowflakes in my backyard. Now, they've stopped. I guess they were just falling from the branches in the trees, and the ledges near them. I still remember the first time I saw snowflakes. I was in Ottawa walking down a long street, listening to my ipod, and the song "You" by Hillsong came on.

I remember sharing my testimony once for a three month discipleship course I took in Canada. I think I said something about the "how's" of life, aren't as important as the "why's". I guess I've forgotten that lately. I've been so busy trying to figure out things in my life, that I forgot something more important. For instance,

"The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer;..." Ps 18:2

Where is it necessary for me to apply mental exercise to understand this? If God truly is what keeps me grounded, then why do I need to have a five year plan, know which school to go to, or have a career in mind?, etc. I'm not saying that any of these things aren't useful, or that any of them aren't important, but they aren't the most important.

The reason I bring all this up is that no one planned for an ice storm here in North Texas, yet here it is. How do you know that you'll be alive in five years, or able to finish your degree before dying? How do you know if the career you're in, isn't what God has called you to? I agree with C.S. Lewis that this life is indeed the shadowlands. Everything can shift and change at any moment.

I know that my blog tends to make me sound like I'm on soapbox, so I'll finish up here. I've asked God to help me re-learn verses like,

"I am determined not to know anything among you, except Christ and Him crucified."
-I Corinthians 2:2

I take whatever ideas and notions I have for vocation, or life planning and offer it up to God. If it's God's will, it will be provided for. If it's not His will, it will not be taken care of. Worrying about all the details of life has never helped me. Spending that same amount of mental energy focusing on the Father who has sustained life since the beginning, the Author of Life, has always been good.

God help be self-disciplined, and spend more time on You than I do on myself.

Perspective

jessefalleur@verizon.net — Fri, 14 Jan 2011 06:51:08 PST

In the book, "The Phantom Tollbooth", Milo uses a periscope to see the scary demon yelling at him is actually much smaller than he says he is. This changes everything in the story. As the protagonist, Milo is no longer stuck, he can overcome his enemy and move on toward his goal.

I know that it seems like such a foolish thing to like a book so much, but I really do enjoy this one. I see so many parallels in it. I wish I could list all of them here, but it would take too long.

Put yourself in Milo's shoes. It was frightening to hear someone spouting lies to him. He slowly looks for the periscope someone gave him, and then he's able to see everything clearly again.

In the past few years, I've had several lies screamed at me, but at the same time I have tools that we're given to me. As I've started using them, I've been able to size up my enemy, and it's completely changed the game.

What were the tools? It's more than just reading the Bible. I needed the Living Word of God, whose name is exalted above every other name, to breathe life into the text. I thought about how I take that phrase for granted, "name above all other names". That's like saying the "Authority above all other authorities". So, as the Spirit of God has brought enlightenment, I've been able to see again. I think the prayers of many, and the counsel of the same, was also very helpful. Now, I'm able to see what holds me back, and what my real mission is. The real mission is to make disciples of all nations, preaching and teaching them in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. I'm not a salesman trying to earn a "Great Commission", but I am a child of God who can be used to teach others about Christ.

In the book mentioned earlier, Milo is lost in a world clouded by confusion and terrorized by ignorance. Sound familiar? It doesn't end that way though. Rhyme and Reason will reign once more, and restore the former glory of the Kingdom of Wisdom. This is similar to Christ's return.

"This is my Father's World" was playing on my ipod while I wrote this earlier and I started crying. It's so comforting to know the promise that GOD is in control even in the midst of such turmoil and suffering in this life. We are still His children, and everything will go according to His plans, not ours.

Faith

jessefalleur@verizon.net — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 16:37:01 PST

I've been reading a book by Francis Chan called "Crazy Love" and a sentence just really nailed me today from chapter 7. "What are you doing right now that requires faith?" It hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized that signing up for a film school nearby was not an act of faith, but reason. I reasoned to myself that surely this place with these professional teachers, and good connections could land me a job in the local entertainment industry. There's only one problem with this. Is this what God's calling me to? Or is this what I"m calling me to? I believe it's the latter.

For some reason, I just felt that I had to complete a screenplay for the children's book, "The Phantom Tollbooth". Unfortunately, Warner Bros. started working on a modern version last February, and should have the movie finished by 2013. I had so much of myself wrapped up in that story, that I thought I just had to complete it, somehow.

I've been reading about screenwriting, and it's not for the faint of heart. It's really hard. Also, the entertainment industry, even behind the scenes, is a very demanding environment. I just don't think it's for me. There are some things that are more fun to daydream about, then to actually do.

Also, there's a lot of presumption on my part. I presume that someone actually needs my advice on the music, artwork, locations, casting,etc.,

So, what happens now? I don't know. I fill out applications for employment, meet people at church and community events, and do menial housework. I get to spend time with my parents without having to fight other siblings for attention. I get to spend time with the Lord in His Word, and just enjoy worshiping Him with my guitar. When the cold weather goes away, the pool will look mighty inviting for swimming, and the jacuzzi would be nice to loosen up sore muscles in my neck.

The minute I decided to just forget the whole film thing, I felt such a wonderful peace.

AMTC Audition

jessefalleur@verizon.net — Tue, 11 Jan 2011 12:36:16 PST

Last night's audition was interesting. We were at a really nice hotel called "Westin Inn" and watched a video, followed by a presentation. I don't think the ball got rolling with auditions until around eight o' clock. I was the last audition for the entire night. The reason is that I didn't bring my application that I filled out online, so they gave me a number that was longer. The other problem is that there were several people who were all singers. However, there were only two singer songwriters, me included.

I did one of the songs I wrote called "Christ will shine". Unfortunately, my voice was off key when I came in, but I corrected it, and kept the train moving so to speak. I was asked to perform another one of my songs. I did a song I wrote based off of "Psalm 133" a.k.a. "Running down" song. The two guys who were doing a pre-scouting were scribbling things on their papers, and then I was asked how long I had been playing? And I responded with, since I was 19. So, I guess about ten years. They told me to keep playing. Then, I did a goofy monologue, that at least got them to smile, if nothing else.

So, all in all, I got to learn about a company that is very serious about reaching people with the Gospel through the media (www.amtcworld.com), met some very talented interesting people, and was able to give and recieve encouragement to others. I had a few people ask me how old I was. I told them twenty nine, and they didn't believe me. You look like you could be twenty three. That was really cool.

So, if I get a callback, which I doubt if I will, it should happen before 4pm today. Even if that happens, there's still a lot that God would have to provide for me to be a part of the program. I'm actually really okay with just something simpler. I just wanted to meet some people, and see what this business was all about. So, check it out if you're one of those talented people. Jesus could use a couple of missionaries to help shine in the entertainment industry.

Two comments last night that really stick with me, is our speaker, who said that the entertainment industry is a mission field, and was from south Africa. He said that the entertainment industry is a bigger mission field than anything else. It was definitely a bold statement, and a very interesting one. The other comment came from my Mom, as we were eating McDonalds after starving all night long. "The thing I like about you Jesse, is that you're not a performer. You just like to worship Jesus."

So, it was a good night. Definitely better than staying at home to watch another episode of "The Waltons" and wonder to myself what would've happened had I gone. Now, I go back to looking for work, and cleaning bathrooms. That's life.

Activities

jessefalleur@verizon.net — Mon, 03 Jan 2011 17:03:14 PST

I've been trying to make new friends where I live. I got invited to a few Christmas parties, and met a guy who has some of the same interests I do...writing, acting, music, etc. He was telling me this thing about www.amtcworld.com which stands for "actors, models, and talent for Christ". It looks really cool. I signed up online, and their is an audition a week from today that I'm doing for singer songwriter. It's about 30 seconds, and then I find out whether I make the cut for their program. The program costs anywhere from $1,200 to $2000, but it supposed to help you land an agent. I'm just doing it for fun, to meet people, and see what they have to say about making a positive difference in the media. I got a book for Christmas on Screenwriting. I really have to take a grain of salt with it. Some things I really like, others I endure, and still other things I disagree completely with. It's been good to give me some guidelines, fresh ideas, and constructive criticism.

Well, enough of the fun stuff. I'm also looking for work. There's quite a few employers looking for part time help. Once I have a job, I'm thinking of going down two avenues. There's a medical job which would ensure job security in a very bad economy, and I would do the creative stuff on the side, or I could get my stuff together and go to a local film school, so that I can finally get that movie idea I have into reality, or at least find lucrative work doing what I like to do. No job is ever easy, and work is not supposed to be pleasurable all the time. I'm just trying to do the best I can with what I have. I'm knocking on all the doors, until somebody either opens one, or I build a door and open it myself.

Keep praying

jessefalleur@verizon.net — Mon, 03 Jan 2011 16:49:48 PST

Before I say anything, let me just ask that people would continue praying for my nephew Josh, who has leukemia, and is having another biopsy in his lungs apparently. He's had a fever for the last few weeks, been hospitalized, and the doctors have not found what's causing this.

A blank page can be the scariest thing a writer can look at. All it does is stare back and wonder whether you'll take the time to put something on the line. We thank God for the material blessings He's given us, as well as all the spiritual blessings. It was great having Evelyn, and Joey here in Texas for the holidays. Thanks to technology we were also able to skype my older brother Andy recently, and at least talk to my brother Ben over the phone. I can't imagine what it must be like for some families to spend Christmas at the hospital. Please continue to pray for my brother Ben and his family.

Time Traveling

jessefalleur@verizon.net — Fri, 19 Nov 2010 22:07:41 PST

While going down the roads leading to Texas, I thought about all the places I've lived. Largo, Birmingham, Tallahassee, Dunedin, etc. I think about my childhood, teens, early twenties, college days, and now post graduation. In a sense, I felt like I was moving past all those things, and going back down to zero again.

"...I have been erased, like a canvas washed, by the strokes of grace..."
- "Obsession" by Starfield

I'm going back to my roots. I was born in Mckinney, Texas. It's only about 30 minutes away from where I live right now in Addison. The clinic where they delivered me as a baby is apparently gone. All that's there now is a field of grass. I can't wait to walk through it. Maybe I'll say a prayer, or whip out my guitar and just write a song off the top of my head. I could just quietly walk with my ipod and think to myself.

In the truck, we had some really good conversations. I told Dad about some of my adventures, why I liked a certain secular album, and the pressure that I've felt all my life to be a walking miracle. Although I am living proof that God works in mysterious ways, that doesn't mean that I can walk on water, or raise people from the dead. Only Jesus can do that stuff. I really didn't have much choice in being born to a set of parents who decided to have a vasectomy (advertizing still says it's 99.9% proven to prevent pregnancy).

Dad had some concerns about my future plans, and whether my outlook was still anti-materialism. I told him that my last trip to Canada really helped me clear up things. Unfortunately, seeing the poverty in a small house in Mexico City, and listening to a young man fresh from Africa describe the lack of food and medical supplies in his village, are things that will echo in my ears for the rest of my life. I can't ignore the crys of the poor. Still, following Jesus will always be more important than anything else, even helping the poor.

Later on, we had dinner next to our hotel, when finally arrived in Marshall, Tx. My dad didn't know it, but a full belly wasn't the only reason I couldn't finish a third plate at Golden Coral. All I could do was stare at all the people just endlessly eating. Should they feel bad for consuming to their heart's content? I don't know. It's difficult to explain. On the one hand, God has grace, but on the other hand, that leave's us with no excuse. I think there's a verse in the psalms that talks about not wanting wealth, or poverty, but just daily bread. Just enough to live on and be content with. Generally speaking, I don't think Americans realize how blessed they are materially, and how bankrupt they are spiritually. If things don't change the way they're headed now, then perhaps the tables will turn. I really hope it doesn't happen that way though!

I believe that the previous election showed that the American people care about society and the poor. There is a growing movement of young people from a Christian base who are devoted to this cause. However, this past election clearly states that Americans have realized that the governement can't eliminate poverty. Jesus said very clearly, "The poor you always have with you. But you won't always have me with you." Like I said earlier, it's about follwing Jesus, it's the most important thing.

Just like other people my age, all I want to do is work and live. We'll see if that's what God wants to do. Now, that I've written all that I wanted to say, I'm going to bed. Peace out.

Summary of Trip

jessefalleur@verizon.net — Fri, 19 Nov 2010 20:35:11 PST

Highlights:
The young guy who forgot to attach the hitch securely when I was running up the ramp in the black ford on the auto transport, jumping out of the way. One of us urinated in the sink, because he couldn't make it to the bathroom at the hotel. Dad actually refused to eat the frosting off a carrot cake at golden corral, saying, and I quote, "It's too sweet." After driving for almost 10 hours, I couldn't get to sleep, because I thought my extra pillow was a steering wheel. Let the record show, I was more than willing to make it to Dallas by Thursday evening.

Major Stops:
Tallahassee, Pensacola, Biloxi, Baton Rouge, Shreveport, Marshall, and finally Dallas/Addison

Books read/heard
"Same kind of Different as Me", "The Keys to the Kingdom", and "The Boy who went to Heaven."

Pre-Move

jessefalleur@verizon.net — Fri, 19 Nov 2010 20:24:02 PST

The sun gently wakes me up. Missing vertical blinds are to blame. With all the energy of a slug, I turn over. "What time is it? 6 a.m. Why am I awake?" I get up and go for a walk. It's the last time I'm going to do my "square" that I've done since I came home from Canada last year. I was listening to U2 and trying to cherish all the palm trees one last time.

I get back, and go to breakfast with Dad at the restaurant on the corner. We go pick up the U-haul afterwards. Steve J. Kowalski Movers were right on time, and we were glad to see them. Moving can be a really stressful thing, especially for me. Having all the clutterred boxes everywhere just seemed wrong. Praise God for Steve. He made all the chaos disappear in a matter of hours and we were left with half an empty house. I don't think Steve realizes how much of a blessing he is by being the same honest hardworking believer who unabashedly prays with other believers and shares the Gospel with people. If someone we're looking for discipleship, I would tell them to go hang out with Steve.

Evie and Joey were a huge help. Me and my father are not the giants we seem to be. My dad has low back pain, and the injuries I recieved from the car accident a few year ago limit me at times too. I helped where I could, with what I could. I always wish that I could do more, say more, and generally be more than what's humanly possible.

I got a chance to fellowship with Steve while he was working. It was great. I've worked with him before, and I think it was mutually encouraging for both of us. I forget that I got a chance to help out with "Walk on Water", and that production resulted in at least one guy getting saved. That's pretty cool. After all the boxes were put away, me and Steve were still talking. I forgot about the time, and the fact that Dad wanted to meet another friend Andy Malkie at the same restaurant we went to for breakfast.

It was great to talk to Andy about art, how he started drawing, and his thoughts about different topics. He had his baby girl with him, and she was definitely a cutie. She would get fussy when no one would pay attention to her, but was pretty good. Dad had an idea for a gospel track for church folks, and Andy had put together some sketches to go with his idea. They were really good. I hope to see it put together someday, even if it's just for friends and family.

We came back home. I was still weary from my six hours of sleep, since someone wouldn't stop snoring (even at a distance). I checked my cell for a text from an old friend from college. It was Brandon, and he wanted to meet up. I picked the place and time that was most convenient for both of us.

My friend Brandon, who was part of a men's group I led at SPC, is now a pastor at Apostolic Baptist Church. I found out he's not the senior pastor, but in a lineup. They're going to gradually pull him up to the pulpit. We talked about things going on in my life with family, and future plans. He gave me a really good quote from his senior pastor. "No one can control the hand of God." Amen! My opinion matters very little to what God wants to accomplish. I talked about how I felt like that my will and God's will are not always the same. In fact, most of the time, they're diametrically opposed. In fact, I've analyzed the last ten years, and even the past year, and usually what I want, does not usually happen. What God wants, however, always happens, and I'm usually better off for it. The challenge of the Christian walk is to present ourselves honestly saying what we want, but submitting to what God wants instead. I had to leave to make it back home for the last socail outing of the day...cracker barrel.

Evie, Joey, Dad, me, and our good friend, Mark Scotti all met together at Cracker Barrel, just like used to earlier this year. We had a lot of fun talking about all kinds of things. Food, thanksgiving plans, and getting on the road. My favorite part of the night was hanging out with Mark in the car. It was good fellowship for us both.

Custodian

jessefalleur@verizon.net — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 17:51:20 PDT

While I was cleaning the tub today, part of our weekly ritual of keeping things clean for Josh, I was thinking about becoming a custodian. I actually enjoy cleaning things. I know it doesn't pay a whole lot, and is way below my education level, but what else can anyone do these days? I've come a long way from thinking of myself as some entertainment big shot, to a janitor. I think doing that C.N.A. training stuff was one of the best decisions I've made yet. Whether I realized it or not, it helped me learn how to be a servant again. I'm just a man, nothing more. Jesus is the Christ. That's what I'm learning.

Wendy's

jessefalleur@verizon.net — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 17:44:20 PDT

Last thursday I had a great meeting with Bill Johnston at Wendy's. Bill is an awesome man of God, who is genuine, and has a great sense of humor. I'm not just saying that because he bought me lunch either. We really talked about this, that, and the other. I felt that God was moving me out of the youth/worship ministry phase into something different. I was looking for more of a career that would enable me to be a light and share the Gospel at the same time (i.e. assistant manager, office clerk, mechanic, etc.). He shared how that at one time he was so certain of being called to the youth ministry that he was willing to give up his job as an E.M.T. with St. Cloud, and go into the ministry full time. It never happened. Sometimes, you find that the ministry continues, but on a different page. Bill still meets with college students, and others to encourage them. I can't tell you how awesome this is. His other piece of wisdom for me was really good. "Sometimes we can beat ourselves up worse than the enemy ever could, and judge ourselves harsher than our Heavenly Father ever would." We also talked about jobs, what's it like to be an E.M.T., and other stuff. By the time the conversation is drawing to a close, I totally forget that he's really this important guy. He's the fire chief for the city of St. Cloud, but he also genuinely loves Jesus. Thursday was a tough day, since I read my ex-girlfriend's name in an email. I had mixed emotions about it. I was glad that she was still in fellowship, but also felt sad about everything that happened last year. How do you explain in an hour, what's happened in a year? Before he left, Bill's warm hand on my back, and the genuine look from his eyes told me that he really meant it when he said, "I love ya brother, and I'll be praying for ya." It was exactly what I needed to hear. I'm looking forward to the next meeting, and being able to share more of what's going on in my life.

Tonight

jessefalleur@verizon.net — Tue, 26 Oct 2010 20:06:43 PDT

"I know something is broken,
And I'm trying to fix it,
trying to repair it,
anyway I can."

-Coldplay "X and Y"

It's a very melancholy song off an album of the same name. I really enjoy their music. For some reason, I was thinking of the words while walking around Publix tonight. I guess I just needed to take a break from the house for awhile.

I walked up and down the aisles. It was a beautiful grocery store. Think new building with very clean feel. A lady passes by me with her kids, and they start misbehaving. She decides to take everyone home, since this is a last ditch effort to complete a child's homework project, and it isn't the mom's fault. I thought to myself, "Thank God, I'm not in that situation right now."

Don't get me wrong. Someday, I would love to get married and raise a family of my own, but I don't think it's going to happen anytime soon. Perhaps that's the way it should be for now.

In my mind, the way I think it should go is the following; 1. Stable Career, 2. Transportation, and 3. Housing. The chance of me achieving, even just one of these objectives in order to ask someone on a date is not good right now. Did I have any of these things when I asked someone out last year? No. People just let me borrow things, or arrangements were made out of spontaneous generosity. That's great if you're single, but you can't live that way married.

This brings up the possibility that I am destined to be single. An older man in Perth, who I respected, suggested this. I think he's dead wrong, but that's just my opinion. Some things are not cut and dry. I don't go to God praying "Lord, what color should my clothes be that I wear today?" It's not that I think that God wouldn't mind hearing one of His children pray, but isn't it enough that I have clothes to wear? I should go to God praying, "God this is what I'd really like to wear. But, I'm willing to use the clothes You provide." Sorry, I guess that's kinda of a weird example, huh? Right now, I have one pair of good jeans, so this is actually a real prayer request.

I was talking with an older pastor at the nearby church, here in St. Cloud. He had two questions that everyone has to answer sometime in their life. "Who do I need to marry?" and "What do I do with my life?" He gave me a piece of wisdom that it's not a single choice, but the series of choices that determines our decisions. He said his wife knew that he was going to ask her to marry him, because of all the other experiences that had happened prior, so she could see it coming.

I help people. That's what I do. If I get married, I'll have to find a wife who likes to help people too. I thought I was so close to finding a good candidate for the wife position with my ex last year. I learned a lot though. My expectations are way too high on myself, as well as others. I am not called to full time public ministry. Despite what I wish it to be, I have a very tender heart. I don't have to do what everyone else tells me to do. The list goes on...etc.

I want to write more, but I need to go to sleep.
Good night.

New Song

jessefalleur@verizon.net — Sat, 23 Oct 2010 17:09:18 PDT

"To the praise of His glorious name,
May my life be a sacrifice of praise,
Jesus, all glory to your name,
May my life be a sacrifice of praise"

It's the chorus to a new song I just wrote the other day. I really like it, but I don't know if it's for everybody else yet. It's good to be writing again though. I try to keep in mind that what I'm doing is just for fun.

The Crowd

jessefalleur@verizon.net — Mon, 18 Oct 2010 19:02:55 PDT

I have a terrible habit of making everything spiritual. But recently, someone shared from Hebrews 11 & 12, and made the correlation between the prophets who suffered, and those who are among the cloud of witnesses. In my own mind, I came up with this modern day thing.

Imagine that Heaven looks down on everyday life, like a football game. When someone makes a bad call, the crowd is upset. When a player is injured, the crowd hushes. When someone makes a good play, the crowd cheers them on. But when someone scores a touchdown, the crowd goes wild!

It's encouraging to know that the saints who have gone on before us know of all the things we experience in this life. Unfair rulings, taking a hit for the team, marching down the field, scoring a touchdown, and sitting out for the season are just a handful of what most players deal with as professional athletes in the NFL.
I think we can relate to all those different emotions as believers. Nothing like scoring a touchdown, where you get down the field and score some points just like sharing your testimony. Two point conversions, are rare, but man are they awesome! Almost exactly like leading someone to Christ. Go for it! Sometimes you go with a field goal attempt, which is hit or miss. That's like inviting someone to a Bible study, or even an a-spiritual place like McDonalds. You may or may not get someone to come. The best strategy though, is to just throw the ball, get the first down, and march up the field to the endzone. That is consistently being the same person, who always is available, and inviting people to be a part of what God is doing. Granted no team is perfect, and a lot of times we drop, or fumble the ball. My brother Ben just told me there are usually 11 guys on either side of the field. That's just one guy short of 12, which is significant, because that's how many disciples Jesus chose to start His kingdom with. So what's my point? A church is like a team. Everybody has to play their position, work together, and stay disciplined. Coaches are very similar to pastors. Their job is to encourage, exhort, and sometimes step in and confront a referee, i.e. elder. Referees also hold coaches in check, so it's a two way system.

It's hard when your team doesn't show up to play, that's like finding a good church that's growing. You're guaranteed to feel the pain of being on the field at times, the enemy or even believers can really knock ya down. It can be frustrating when leadership doesn't have a handle on things, or make good decisions, similar to a pastor who does not cast clear vision, or lead others in it. The worst is when you're out for the season. You're sitting on the bench and watching all your teammates play. But it's just for awhile, and once everything gets healed up, you'll be back in the game soon enough. It is possible as a believer to burn out, get beat up, and be pulled out from ministry for awhile. You learn a lot from coaches, and other seasoned players.

My illustration falls apart when looking for a place for God though. So, it will all have to unravel. Still, I thought it was pretty cool to think of life this way. Professional football players are probably not all disciples of Jesus, but it's an interesting thought.

Wait

jessefalleur@verizon.net — Mon, 18 Oct 2010 17:22:19 PDT

One of the ways me and Josh bond at times, is when we play video games. One of which is, "Call of Duty 2" for the xbox 360. The other day, we finally got to the American campaign, and the simulation of D-day, and storming the beaches of Normandy. Josh never wants to play, but he likes to watch me play it. At times, I forget to use strategy, and just run out on the field trying to take out as many Germans as I can. After a while, you learn to wait, fire, and stay alive. There was one section, where I didn't listen to the platoon leader on the game, and got decimated by a German panzer tank.

"Wait for reinforcements."

Once, I did, an huge American tank came and blew away the Panzer. I know it's just a cheesy video game, but I thought how applicable that is to my life. Sometimes, we need to take a step back and wait. I can get in such a hurry to get to the next thing, that I loose track of what's right in front of me.

Right side up

jessefalleur@verizon.net — Mon, 18 Oct 2010 17:15:05 PDT

I have to say it's been great to have a classic Sunday morning service, followed by lunch, and then some fellowship with NFL on TV these past few weeks. To me, this just feels right side up. It's a schedule I used to follow without even thinking about it, when I lived in Tallahassee, and even when I moved back to Clearwater with my brother Tim. It probably goes back further even than that. Perhaps my Dad is the founder of this tradition, but it's seems like a long time since I've observed it. I consider it an American thing, at least in our family.

Sports

jessefalleur@verizon.net — Sat, 02 Oct 2010 19:58:59 PDT

My nephew Josh loves sports. We constantly watch ESPN for highlights for instance. My perspective is way different because I'm analyzing the field for those who are not given a lot of attention. It doesn't matter whether it's pro or college ball you'll find someone on the sideline with a Gatorade bottle to squirt refreshment down their parched throats. This is being a servant. Others may get the attention, but your job is to keep people hydrated. Think of all the unglamarous jobs out there. Office managers, gas station attendants, janitors, etc. What would happen if all those people decided they didn't want to do their jobs anymore? They may not be C.E.O.'s, politicians, or lawyers but they have profound influence over society. Jesus taught us that we shouldn't lord over others, but lead by serving. Society seems to teach us that in order to be successful you must be ruthless and not give two cents about the guy underneath you. Think about the Dr. Suess book "Yertle the Turtle" for instance. Yertle kept getting higher and higher on the backs of other turtles, but mac, the turtle on the bottom, is taking all the weight on his shoulders. Finally, mac has enough, and the entire "business" collapses. It was just one person who had enough power to change things up. In my own life, I'm rethinking my career choices with the understanding that meaning is not derived from a position or title, but from the mindset that whatever I'm doing is all for Jesus anyway. I used to think that I had to make an accomplishment as large as Mt. Everest to make it in life. The way I think these days is drastically different. My life has meaning because of Christ and success can be just doing well in an average job with a modest income. Success is following Jesus and leading others to do the same.