What do you do when communication turns to conflict, over and over and over and over?

Married and unmarried relationship couples attempt to communicate all the time. Sometimes those conversations are mutually enjoyable, nurturing, supportive and fun. Other times they turn into conflict leaving one or both partners feeling frustrated. This feeling can last for a short period. The couple can repair the negative feelings and get back to a loving connection pretty rapidly. Still, other couples don’t get over the negative emotions. Over time, the unresolved feelings can lead to more distance and disconnection, and eventually and break up or divorce.

Couples who navigate the communication to conflict cycle successfully found a way to work through their issues in a win/win way. Couples who get stuck in conflict don’t. They get bogged down in interacting with each other in a way that is hurtful. Sometimes they say and do things to each other cannot be taken back. In other words, they make mistakes when they attempt to talk to each other. Frustrating and angry feelings are triggered and prevail.

There are common mistakes most couples make when couples find themselves in the communication to conflict cycle. We have illustrated an example with a couple representing what we mean. This couple is not one know personally, nor a couple we have ever provided consulting. They are a composite of any couple anywhere who make these mistakes. We have provided a typical conversation this couple has when communication breaks down. See if you can recognize the communication mistakes they are making.

We’ll call this couple, “George and Jennifer.” Their interaction is an example of what often happens when well-meaning people have positive intentions that instantly flips into a heated argument.

Here’s a snippet of what George and Jennifer were saying to each other. See if you can recognize the mistakes they were making. The scenario goes like this:

It’s 10 a.m. on a sunny and crisp Saturday morning. Jennifer has been up since 8 a.m. She’s dressed for the day, eager to start her routine of errands so she can get back in time to take a nap before she and George go out on a Saturday evening date. She’s been looking forward to them spending this time together all week.

George is still sleeping. He has agreed the night before to be up by 8:00 a.m. so he could take care of a couple of the things he wanted to do by 9 AM before breakfast. Jennifer is pleased because she can now plan her morning accordingly.

Jennifer is determined to have a special hot breakfast ready promptly at 9 AM. So, between 8:15 AM, and 9:00 AM, thinking she’s being helpful as well as honoring the time George said he would be up, she has been back to the bedroom three times to wake him up to let him know that breakfast will be ready at 9 AM. And three times he promptly tells her that he’s getting up, but he goes back to sleep. At 9 AM, the hot breakfast is on the table that has been beautifully set. You see, for Jennifer, this is one way to build up excitement for the date they will be having later that evening.

Finally, at 10:00 AM, George gets up and while still in a sleepy state, rubbing his eyes and yawning, he strolls into the kitchen and sits down. He knows why Jennifer kept coming back to the bedroom to wake him up and had no problem with that. However, what he didn’t know is that for an hour Jennifer has been trying to keep everything warm for him so that they could have this nice breakfast together before she goes on her errands. Well, by 10 AM, the oatmeal is overcooked, the eggs are a rubbery texture, the toast is cold. The only breakfast items that are the right temperature are the bacon and the coffee.

The only thing on George’s mind as he sits down at the table is how delicious everything looks and how much he is looking forward to eating this great food. So, the first words out of his mouth are: “Good morning, gorgeous this is quite a spread you’ve prepared. Everything looks great! Thank you!

Jennifer is silent. Somewhat surprised and confused, George waits a few moments and then asks, “What’s wrong hon?”

Jennifer replies back, “What do you mean, what’s wrong?” She’s defiant by now. “You saunter in here one hour after the food is prepared; and, after you had kept telling me, you were coming to the table. I tried to keep everything warm, but now, everything is overcooked, and breakfast is ruined. You are so inconsiderate. I was trying to do something special for us, and you messed it all up.”

George hurls back, “Here we go again. You are always criticizing me for the least little thing that I do. I’m tired of this. You…” Before he could finish his sentence, Jennifer jumps in and says, before he completes the sentence, “Oh, yeah? This is all about you again. Making this all about me and not taking any responsibility for what you did that made me so angry.” “No,” George says, “you’ve got it all wrong. If you would just stop harassing and nagging me…,” then he gets cut off again.

They go back and forth for what seems like an hour, so it’s now 11 a.m. Neither George nor Jennifer has an appetite to eat anything at this point. George slams his fork down on the table and storms back to the bedroom, feeling furious. Jennifer instantly clears the table and throws the breakfast down the garbage disposal. 10 minutes later she leaves the house in a huff. A low-level rage is burning within as she takes care of her errands.

When she returns home a few hours later, both she and George are still angry and give each other the silent treatment. They are both feeling distant and disconnected, waiting for the other one to apologize. Date night canceled.

This is a common scenario for George and Jennifer. Different issue, same scenario, same communication mistakes… same communication to conflict cycle.

Can you identify at least three mistakes they were making during their communication breakdown?

Here’s what we noticed:

Three Common Communication to Conflict Mistakes

BLAMING

The first mistake is both parties were criticizing blaming each other. That never works because criticism often begets more criticism. Criticism is often experienced as an attack.

INTERRUPTING

The second mistake was they kept interrupting each other. This is because each person is mired in preparing their defense and can’t hear what the other is saying.

AVOIDING

The third mistake is since they don’t know how to approach their upset differently, in their frustration, at the end of the day, while still angry, they avoid each other with the silent treatment.

Other things were going on, too, but those were the three key ones that we identified. Why is that a problem? It is a problem because when any two people go into a defensive mode by attacking, interrupting, criticizing, blaming and shaming in the moment. Both tend to feel like victims. There is no room to hear and understand the other person and their perspective.

Our question to you is why is this a problem?

One of the reasons that this is a problem is because both George and Jennifer are committed to defending themselves, instead of understanding each other and the other person’s vantage point. When people feel attacked, they start interrupting each other, criticizing and blaming each other. When this is happening, they become flooded with negative feelings, which is a signal to the most primitive part of the brain that there’s a threat.

When that happens, each person is wired to go into a defensive mode to survive the moment of frustration. Both partners become self-absorbed and begin to protect themselves with their reaction to survive the moment. The goal is to be right and to make sure that the other person is wrong. The other goal is to win the argument. There’s tunnel vision, and the focus is on the winning, and there are blind spots to how each partner is negatively impacting the other. In other words, the reaction of both contributes to communication breakdown in ways which may cause pain.

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A very common complaint that we hear from women in our counseling office is that their men often “shut down” and will not talk with them about important issues. In fact, it is estimated that between 40-50% of married women complain that their husbands will not talk to them in any meaningful way. Unfortunately, far too many wives feel ignored by their husbands, and the “silent treatment” is one of the top 10 complaints they report regarding their relationships.

Therefore, if you are one of those wives who have been trying without much success to get your husband to talk to you, you are not alone. This very common problem causes many women a great deal of distress. We would like to share some of the many reasons why husbands “shut down,” and some strategies to get them to open up.

Three Actions You MUST Avoid

1. Feeling criticized, judged, and attacked

Probably the #1 reason that many husbands shut down is that they complain that no matter what thoughts or ideas they attempt to share with their wives, they are likely to respond by being critical and challenging their ideas. Not only do they report that women are judgmental, they indicate that they take over the conversation and begin to give a multitude of reasons to prove the man wrong.

“Why,” many men ask, “should I open myself up to a barrage of lengthy

complaints about why I think the way I do? If I don’t say anything, then I don’t have to hear it!”

Many husbands simply do not understand why they cannot have their own thoughts or feelings without their wives “pouncing” all over them and saying that they are wrong. What men who feel this way don’t understand is that often, when some women—not all—reach the point of criticizing, judging, or attacking, it is because the men failed to hear or respond to their initial attempts to reach out in a more positive way.

It is also true that when many women reach out to connect with the men they love, they may express their message in “feelings words” that don’t make sense to the men because they have been socialized to ignore their emotional feelings.

Men complain that their women are far too controlling

Some husbands have reported to us that the reason they often shut down is because their wives are far too controlling. (We do understand that the term “controlling” is an interpretation of an experience that may or may not be accurate.) They would like to tell them to “Stop trying to get me to do anything! Give me the time, space, and freedom to decide what I want to do, how I want to do it, and when I want to do it.”

They avoid saying this because they fear it could trigger a huge fight,

so they retreat and give their wives the “silent treatment.”

Many men also resent their women’s attempts to manipulate them into following their agenda and timetable. Rather than responding with an angry outburst, they simply shut down and don’t respond.

While this may be a “passive-aggressive” way of responding, most men would rather just not respond than to get into a fight. Most men hate fighting!

Wives who constantly bring up a litany of past grievances

Another reason why husbands often refuse to talk is that they fear their wives will mention a multitude of past grievances. Most men simply do not want to hear for the “15th millionth time” a “laundry list” of every hurt and transgression they have caused. For example, some women may start off complaining about one thing, but before long, they have brought up every “wrong” they believe that their men have ever committed.

Unfortunately, what men don’t understand is the reason why women often keep bringing them up is that they probably have never been discussed and resolved completely. They probably still feel some emotional pain that they need their men to understand before they can move forward. Until these issues are addressed and resolved, they are likely to keep coming up. The problem is that most couples do not know how to resolve them, and cannot get past arguing.

IMPORTANT: We would not be surprised if some women take issue with these reasons. In fact, we would expect that a great many women would be quite upset with these reasons why men shut down and won’t talk.

Our goal is not to “put women down,” but rather to help

spouses open up and communicate with each other.

This is critically important to a successful relationship. Therefore, we urge women to make a conscientious attempt to understand what men are attempting to communicate. We want to support you in being able to open the door so your man will open up and talk to you. If that’s what you want, then you might find the following suggestions helpful.

What To Do Instead

After asking your question, give him time to think about it

Sometimes, wives bring up things that they have been thinking about for days, weeks, or months, if not longer. The problem is that most likely, their husbands have not been thinking about these things and probably will need time to “think it through.” If you expect an immediate answer, you’re probably not going to get one. A man may need time to go into his “man cave” to think about his response before he is ready to give you one.

Yes, it’s going to take a little more time than you would prefer,

so ask early enough to give him the time he needs.

Moreover, when he does respond, allow him the opportunity to share with you his entire thought without interrupting, asking interrogating questions, or interjecting your ideas. This brings us to our next suggestion.

Listen to him – Really LISTEN!

If you really want to know what your husband thinks about something (in contrast to attempting to get him to agree with what you have decided already), then LISTEN TO HIM! We mean that you must really listen to what he has to share without interrupting, interpreting, questioning, or belittling his ideas.

To do that, it is essential that you control your urge to react before

you hear and understand his complete message.

He needs to know that you really want to hear what he has to say and that you truly value his opinions. If he senses that you are not really listening or are not interested in his opinion, he is likely to shut down. Be aware that men, like women, want to be heard.

Demonstrate that you value and respect his ideas and opinions

By your attentiveness, demonstrate to your husband that you appreciate him sincerely and value his ideas and opinions. You must perceive each other as valuable, important, and essential allies who share and respect each other’s ideas. By embracing the ideas that both of you are sharing seriously, you are able to make better decisions together rather than separately.

Remember the old saying that “two heads are better than one.”

All of us want to be appreciated and respected.

When we are, it motivates us to want to do more. If not, it diminishes our desire to be a fully functioning partner.

Thus, if you want your husband to really open up and talk with you, consider these ideas when you communicate.

A different approach can truly produce different results.

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Often, women are shocked when they come to us for marriage, couple’s, or relationship counseling and their men open up, start talking freely, and begin sharing their very deep thoughts and concerns—things they have not communicated before. Women find it nearly impossible to believe.

For the first time, in a long time, their man has opened up and women are surprised to discover that he has a lot to say. But if you asked them why their man has remained “closed mouth” when they attempt to talk at home, most women couldn’t answer that question. I’m going to attempt to provide some insight in this brief article. I’ll begin with just one word of caution. That is, I cannot speak for all men; however, much of what I want to share applies to a great many men and has been learned from our over 30 years of MARRIAGE COUNSELING experience.

Throughout a man’s life—from birth, childhood,

his schooling, dating, marriage, and even into

old age men have a lot of women telling them what to do.

Many, if not most women feel the need to make suggestions, “share their ideas,” or “advise” the boy/man because they know what’s best for him.” Maybe you’ve heard the old adage that “men wouldn’t know how to come out of the rain unless a woman told them how to.” That’s really an insult. It diminishes his dignity and self worth.

It explains, in part, one of the reasons why some men have the tendency to shut down and don’t talk especially if he doesn’t feel heard. It also explains one of the reasons why some women have trouble attracting and keeping a man. Just as women want someone to talk to and be heard, validated, and understood so do men. But many men believe that they can’t “get a word in edgewise.”

If the man feels that he’s not going to be heard,
he may find someone else to talk to
who will hear what he has to say.

And we know that there are always females who’ll give him time, attention, and conversation, or whatever. It has been reported, for example, that some men are so desperate to be heard that they will pay a prostitute just to listen to them. Also, if a man believes that he’s going to be told what to do, he’s likely to shut down and/or exit the relationship emotionally or physically.

If you are in a relationship with a man, and you believe that you have figured out a solution to whatever any given situation is, then all you have to do is to convince your man that you are right. If he raises an objection or has other ideas or alternatives to suggest, they are often not heard and/or discarded by the woman. So, when he is asked to offer an opinion, most men have decided that it isn’t going to be heard anyway so why bother saying anything. Rather than being angry or frustrated, many men decide that they don’t want to have an argument like so many others they’ve had with their woman that just wasn’t very pleasant. So, they just shut down and don’t talk.

In case women who’re reading this article wonder about how accurate my description and explanation is, let me respond by saying that this is precisely the kind of thing that men talk to each other about when they’re together at the local “watering hole.” Men simply complain that often they don’t feel heard by their woman.

Men don’t want to go home and argue.
So, their solution is to keep quiet.
Is it a solution? Absolutely not!

People have to talk together to solve and resolve mutual problems—especially if you’re a couple. But many men just don’t know how to get their woman to listen, in all earnest, to what they have to say.

I also want to note that recent brain research seems to suggest that women, physiologically, may have some advantage in their ability to process a broader range of factors in considering alternative courses of action in problem identification and problem-solving. Certainly, women do tend to take into account specific factors that most men just don’t think about. And while that may be true, it is also important to point out that whatever a woman may think about, it is only one point of view. Men also have a point of view too. When both points of view are offered and considered, the couple is likely to make better decisions together because considerably more perspectives are being taken into account.

We’re here for you!

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Feeling distant and disconnected in any relationship can be painful.

That pain becomes magnified when people:

• Interrupt each other when eager to get their point across rather than listening with understanding and compassion.
• Complaining, criticizing, blaming and shaming each other which fosters a negative communication environment.
• Give more attention to what they are feeling about being stuck in their frustrations and conflict rather than doing something about it to either to dissolve, resolve or manage the situation more effectively.

If any of the symptoms of the pain of feeling distant and disconnected have got you stopped dead in your tracks, then here’s how to get past each of them fast.

PAIN POINT #1:

“Interrupting each other rather than listening
with understanding and compassion.”

Not listening with curiosity and compassions leads the person speaking to go into “survival mode”, by defending their point of view because they are not feeling heard.

One way to alleviate this pain for the other person is to listen fully by being present and curious about what is being said. This is easier said than done when the listener is not feeling heard or understood.

PAIN #2:

“Complaining, criticizing, blaming and shaming partner which provides a negative image to spouse or partner as a source of frustration”

Causes this pain because the other person feels attacked and demeaned.

One way to avoid inflicting this pain on another is to turn the complaint into a request of what is wanted, why it is wanted, when it is wanted and how. The listener has the choice granting the gift. However, the likelihood of receiving is elevated by this, more effective approach.

PAIN #3:

“Focusing more on the problem than the solution.”

When anyone keeps their attention on just the problem, the pain exacerbates. This is because the person has tunnel vision on that focus and consequently has blind spots to any other possibilities, like a solution

One way to reduce this pain is to change the focus to explore the possibilities for a different and more effective outcome.

We’re here for you!

The post 3 Ways to Overcome the Pain of Feeling Distant and Disconnected appeared first on .

It is commonly believed by some that if you want to be successful you have to make a choice between your vocation and your mate. Many choose their careers over their mate and/or family to their own detriment.

“What,” we ask, “does it profit a person to gain the whole world and lose a loving connection with their significant companion and/or children?”

You may be highly successful in your career, financially set, and held in the highest esteem among your peers and your community. However, what if your significant relationship has fallen apart and your children’s lives are a disaster? Are you truly happy with all the trappings while your family has fallen apart? Probably not!

Unfortunately, many individuals come to this realization too late to turn things around. Their partner has left and may have found love elsewhere, their children barely speak to them, and whatever they have accumulated financially has been spent paying divorce attorneys, property settlements, as well as spousal and child support fees. It is a sad situation and it didn’t have to be this way.

It is essential that couples clearly define what success means to them. It is likely that it will mean different things for each couple. Being successful in your relationship and career is determined by your core values. What do you value? What is important to you? What do you want for your mate and children to achieve? Toward achieving your goals, what is acceptable and what is not? These are just a few questions you may want to ask yourself.

In our view, individuals cannot be truly happy or successful if their lives are out of kilter. Time and energy must be balanced in a way that accommodates one’s career as well as partner and family. This requires a commitment to family and work as well as good organizational skills. It is impossible, at least in our opinion, for a person to be truly happy and fulfilled unless they are successful both at home as well as work. This includes taking personal time to relax, have fun, enjoy hobbies, pursue learning and other things of personal interest, and have quality time for your mate, children, family, and friends.

Are there challenges? Yes! The biggest challenge is often how to manage getting everything done that needs to get done on a daily basis. This is where managing your time and being organized is of such critical importance. It can be achieved, sometimes, with varying degrees of success. One day, things may work out pretty well. The next day, things may not. What is important is your overall record of success and the fact that those who love you see you doing your very best. Keep in mind that it’s not always the amount of time you spend with your loved ones, but rather the quality of the time you spend with them.

This article originally appeared on Soulivity Magazine for Expert Relationship Advice:
http://www.soulivity.com/article/successful-people-and-their-relationships/

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In just over a month, our next Weekend Workshop for Couples is happening again!

We're always excited to meet with and serve couples who want to invest in their life's most important relationships!

If you’re married, engaged, or seriously dating and want a proven system to STOP and overcome painful conflict, then our Communicate to Connect Workshop will help you to START interacting in a way where both of you feel heard, understood, closer and more connected.

Did you know, a Weekend Workshop can…

Saves money versus traditional counseling. The cost of the weekend workshop is minimal compared to the cost of long-term therapy, because you qualify for a discounted group rate. The total cost of a weekend workshop is less than $700 (with payment options). The equivalent cost of weekly or bi-weekly therapy sessions could easily exceed ten times that much.

Can provide immediate help versus traditional counseling. Forget boring lectures, formal settings, awkward interactions, and gimmicky exercises that only lead to embarrassment, frustration and rolling eyes. You’ll learn practical skills and tools gleaned from our 30+ years experience as relationship experts, marriage counselors and Imago therapists.

Real help regardless of your current relationship status. Weekend workshops can help to get at the heart of the matter, regardless of your relationship status–engaged, married, coupled living together, coupled living apart, separated, facing divorce, considering reconciliation and simply "it’s complicated."

We work with couples at every stage in life, every relationship situation and from every corner of the globe. The only couples we can’t work with are those who don’t want help.

Scheduled a Complimentary Consultation to learn more about how our most popular Communicate to Connect Workshop can literally transform your relationship. We're looking forward to meeting you!

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This week’s article will introduce you to a couple who is very much like you, Zak and Zoe. They struggle to communicate about things that matter.

It seems like everytime they try, they end up arguing.  Sound familiar?  Read on to learn our advice on how to end arguments for good.

Maybe you relate to Zak and Zoe?

When the conflict between them ends:

He’s feeling frustrated because he feels if he can’t make her happy. She’s feeling scared because she feels he doesn’t love her anymore.

Here’s the backstory.

They began having a conversation about spending quality time together. With extremely busy careers as well as other social commitments, they hardly have time together.

When they do see each other they are so tired, they feel like two ships passing each other either late night or in the wee hours of the morning. They do enjoy time together when they can figure that out, but they have precious, but limited, opportunities to make that happen.

One day, Zak came up with an idea about how they could spend quality time together: a two-week vacation for just the two of them. There would be no distractions from telephones and email or other commitments. He thought that they could go to Europe and have two weeks of fun packed activities from early morning until late evening.

When he brought up the idea to Zoe, she was all for it. She thought this would be wonderful. We can go to an elegant all-inclusive retreat, anywhere in the world and have two weeks of unplanned and spontaneous lazy days, sleeping late, lounging by the pool, going to the spa, elegant meals and lots of romantic mornings, afternoons and evenings.

As you can see, the word “vacation” had a different meaning for both of them.

The good news is, both of them are on the same page about looking forward to two weeks of quality time together. The bad news is they both had a different idea about what would be the most enjoyable way to spend their time together.

They did not discover the differences until they began to talk about it and shared what they were both looking forward to doing on vacation. Zak went first and shared. To his dismay, Zoe was looking for a different experience. That’s when, almost in an instant, communication broke down.

They began to argue; and, for about 15 minutes. At one point, things got out of hand. Both of them said things to each other that were hurtful. All of a sudden, Zak stopped talking and walked out of the room. Feeling defeated, Zoe just sat on the sofa and cried quietly. Suddenly, both had negative feelings about each other.

After they cooled down, both in separate rooms, here’s what they were thinking…

Let’s start with Zoe, here are her thoughts with tear-filled eyes:
When Zak shut down and walked out of the room, I felt hurt.

What that meant to me was you didn’t love me enough to stay with me and talk it out to work it out. And what I wanted to do during our time together was not important to you.

Yes, I interrupted you and got to the point that I raised my voice, but it was your fault.

Zak had different thoughts about the same discussion:
When Zoe interrupted me and later yelled at me, I felt disrespected.

And what that meant to me was, ‘Here I am trying to do something nice for us to have fun together and not only did she not appreciate me for that, she tried to control the conversation and the trip.’

It seems to me that there isn’t anything that I can do to make her happy. There isn’t anything that I can do that’s right in her eyes.

That’s why I got to the point that I reacted by giving up, shutting down and walking out of the room.

Yes, same situation, different experiences.

That was the problem. Both of them were only absorbed in their personal thoughts about how they were affected by not feeling heard and understood. It makes sense because they both had tunnel vision and blind spots to what the other person was experiencing. That is why it was so difficult for them to hear each other with understanding and compassion. Being flooded with negative feelings, they were not in a safe emotional space for personal reflection to think things through, nor did they have the tools. Therefore, they were convinced that the other was at fault and therefore the enemy.

This particular argument was not their first argument over their 20 years of marriage. They argued about other things as well. Other things that were intended to bring them closer, but resulted in them feeling further apart.

Same thinking:

Zoe believing that Zak’s reactive behavior meant that he didn’t love her anymore; and, Zak believing that Zoe’s reactive behavior meant there was nothing he could do to make her happy.

And the feelings simmered over the years to a slow boil and began to erupt with more intensity with each argument.

After the debate about the vacation, the heat had built up to a level that they knew that something had to change, and of course, they thought that what had to change was the other spouse.

One day, Zoe confided with Zane, her very close friend, that she was at her wits end about all the arguing. She complained that Zak was too unreasonable and that she couldn’t get him to listen to her. Her friend listened intently. When Zoe was done, Zane, who was also married over 20 years, shared that she had previously had the same problem with her husband, Zeke.

Zane said they got help to work through it. She told Zoe that they took a free online video course about what they could, and could not, do when communication broke down between her and Zeke. Zane also said that before she took the first step that she believed that there wasn’t anything she could do to contribute to resolving the issues their communication problem. “Boy, was I wrong.”

“After I took that first step I was ready for more. And when I completed the entire process, I felt better about Zeke and me. The best part is Zeke saw a difference in me and went through the program as well.”

Zoe was sold and enrolled. And like Zak, Zeke enrolled soon after.

If you can identify with Zak and Zoe, and wonder what you can do to stop arguments in your marriage or love relationship, we invite you to take that first step they took, enroll in our FREE 3-part video series: Communication to Connect: From the Inside Out!

One partner can indeed contribute to turning things around, and that partner could be you.

This article was originally published on Soulivity Magazine: How to End Arguments in Your Relationship

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Most of the time, the “honeymoon phase” for most couples would last forever if couples did not have to communicate. 

Now this is especially true when couples communicate about conflict, and even more so when they have to communicate while in conflict. 

We know this paints a dark picture. 

But wait, there’s good news, because here are 3 couples conflict communication tips we bet your mama didn’t tell you about, much less your marriage counselor:

Tip #1: Look in the Mirror

Taking time out for inner reflection and contemplation to assess internal experience is crucial for a successful relationship. It gives you the power to look in the mirror and ask:

 “Okay, what’s my part in this?”

This tip is priceless because the path to achieving any goal is to have a reality check about whether the current mindset and skillset a person has matches the mindset and skill set necessary to achieve the goal or manifest their relationship vision.

How to do it

Here’s how to put this tip to work for you.

Step 1 – Make a list of qualities and characteristics of the mindset and skillset of successful and happy couples in long term marriage and love relationships.

Step 2 – Then list the qualities of your mindset and skillset for your marriage or current love relationship.  

Then compare the lists.  Where are the gaps? Ouch! Commit to filling in the gaps with as much passion as you have for being right.

Tip #2: What can and what can not be changed?

If you continue to try to change what you cannot, you will end up exhausted, emotionally drained, frustrated, stressed, disappointed and/or an angry spouse or love mate. This could ultimately lead to your marriage or love relationship ending in divorce or breakup.

How to do it

Review the list of the gaps described in Tip #1.  Circle or underline what you can realistically change.  

Hint: It’s not about the other person.  

This can then become the focus for moving forward.

Tip #3: Take action on what can be changed.

When a person knows what they can realistically change, they become empowered to move forward toward success.

This one distinction gives hope for both you and the relationship to grow.

How to do it

Develop a vision for the outcome of your relationship. Set goals and objectives to guide your action steps. This can bridge the gap from where you are to where you want be, and accomplish the results you desire.

Bonus Tip – Since you now know 3 specific steps you can take for your relationship, it’s time for your next success steps.

Get your free instant access to our Communicate to Connect Video Workshop, 
the free Video Series will help you overcome communication problems and connect or re-connect with your partner.

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Married and unmarried relationships couples attempt to communicate all the time. Sometimes those conversations are mutually enjoyable, nurturing, supportive and fun. Other times they turn into conflict leaving one or both partners feeling frustrated. This feeling can last for a short period of time. The couple is able to repair the negative feelings and get back to a loving connection pretty rapidly. Still other couples don’t get over the negative feelings. Over time, the unresolved feelings can lead to more distance and disconnection, and eventually and break up or divorce.

Couples who navigate conflict successfully found a way to work through their issues in a win/win way. Couples who get stuck in conflict don’t. They get bogged down in interacting with each other in a way that is hurtful. Sometimes they say and do things to each other cannot be taken back. In other words, they make mistakes when they attempt talk to each other. Frustrating and angry feelings are triggered and prevail.

There are common mistakes most couples make when they are inevitably in conflict. We have illustrated an example with a couple representing what we mean. This is not a couple we know personally, nor a couple we have ever worked with. They are a composite of any couple anywhere who make these mistakes. We have provided a typical conversation this couple has when communication breaks down. See if you can recognize the communication mistakes they are making in this conversation.

We’ll call this couple, George and Jennifer.

Their interaction is an example of
what often happens when well-meaning people
have positive intentions that
instantly flips into a heated argument.

Here’s a snippet of what George and Jennifer was saying to each other. See if you can recognize the mistakes they were making. The scenario goes like this:

It’s 10 a.m. on a sunny and crisp Saturday morning. Jennifer has been up since 8 a.m. She’s dressed for the day, eager to start her routine of errands so she can get back in time to take a nap before she and George go out on a Saturday evening date. She’s been looking forward to them spending this time together all week.

George is still sleeping. He has agreed the night before to be up by 8:00 a.m. so he could take care of a couple of the things he wanted to do by 9 AM before breakfast. Jennifer is pleased because she can now plan her morning accordingly.

Jennifer is determined to have a special hot breakfast ready promptly at 9 AM. So, between 8:15 AM, and 9:00 AM, thinking she’s being helpful as well as honoring the time George said he would be up, she has been back to the bedroom three times to wake him up to let him know that breakfast will be ready at 9 AM. And three times he promptly tells her that he’s getting up, but he goes back to sleep. At 9 AM, the hot breakfast is on the table that has been beautifully set. You see, for Jennifer, this is one way to build up excitement for the date they will be having later that evening.

Finally, at 10:00 AM, George gets up and while still in a sleepy state, rubbing his eyes and yawning, he strolls into the kitchen and sits down. He knows why Jennifer kept coming back to the bedroom to wake him up and had no problem with that. However, what he didn’t know is that for an hour Jennifer has been trying to keep everything warm for him so that they could have this nice breakfast together before she goes on her errands. Well, by 10 AM, the oatmeal is overcooked, the eggs are a rubbery texture, the toast is cold. The only breakfast items that are the right temperature are the bacon and the coffee.

The only thing on George’s mind as he sits down at the table is how delicious everything looks and how much he is looking forward to eating this great food. So, the first words out of his mouth are: “Good morning, gorgeous this is quite a spread you’ve prepared. Everything looks great! Thank you!

Jennifer is silent. Somewhat surprised and confused, George waits a few moments and then asks, “What’s wrong, hon?”

Jennifer retorts back, “What do you mean, what’s wrong?” She’s defiant by now. “You saunter in here one hour after the food is prepared, after you kept telling me you were coming to the table. I tried to keep everything warm, but now, everything is overcooked and breakfast is ruined. You are so inconsiderate. I was trying to do something special for us and you messed it all up.”

George hurls back, “Here we go again. You are always criticizing me for the least little thing that I do. I’m tired of this. You…” Before he could finish his sentence, Jennifer jumps in and says, before he completes the sentence, “Oh, yeah? This is all about you again. Making this all about me and not taking any responsibility for what you did that made me so angry.” “No,” George says, “you’ve got it all wrong. If you would just stop harassing and nagging me……,” then he gets cut off again.

They go back and forth for what seems like an hour, so it’s now 11 a.m. Neither George nor Jennifer has an appetite to eat anything at this point. George slams his fork down on the table and storms back to the bedroom, feeling really furious. Jennifer instantly clears the table and throws the breakfast down the garbage disposal. 10 minutes later she leaves the house in a huff. A low-level rage is burning within as she takes care of her errands.

When she returns home a few hours later, both she and George are still angry and give each other the silent treatment. They are both feeling distant and disconnected, waiting for the other one to apologize. Date night is now canceled.

This is a frequent scenario for George and Jennifer. Different issue, same scenario, same communication mistakes.

Can you identify at least three mistakes they
were making during their communication breakdown?

Here’s what we noticed:

The first mistake we noticed is both parties were criticizing blaming each other.

That never works because criticism often begets more criticism.

Criticism is often experienced as an attack.

The second mistake was they kept interrupting each other.

This is a mistake because each person is mired in preparing their defense and can’t hear what the other is saying

The third mistake is since they don’t know how to approach their upset differently.

In their frustration, at the end of the day, while still upset, they avoid each other with the silent treatment. .

There were other things going on, too, but those were the three key ones that we identified. Why is that a problem? It is problem because when any two people go into a defensive mode by attacking, interrupting, criticizing, blaming and shaming in the moment. Both tend to feel like victims. There is no room to hear and understand the other person and where they’re coming from.

Our question to you is why is this a problem?

One of the reasons that this is a problem is because both George and Jennifer are committed to defending themselves, instead of understanding each other and where the other person is coming from. When people feel attacked, they start interrupting each other, criticizing and blaming each other. When this is happening, they become flooded with negative feelings, which is a signal to the most primitive part of the brain that there’s a threat.

When that happens, each person is wired to go into a defensive mode to survive the moment of frustration. Both partners become self-absorbed and begin to protect themselves with their reaction to survive the moment. The goal is to be right and to make sure that the other person is wrong. The other goal is to win the argument. There’s tunnel vision and the focus is on the winning and there’s blind spots to how each partner is negatively impacting the other. In other words, the reaction of both contribute to communication breakdown in hurtful ways.

What can Jennifer and George do about this sensitive place where they often get stuck? And, what can you do about it if you get stuck like this at times with your mate? We have the answer for you. We’d like to invite you to do a little exploration with a free process designed just for you. Many couples get stuck like George and Jennifer, and since they don’t know what to do differently, they keep doing the same thing over and over and keep getting the same painful results.

There is something they both can do, and so can you.

We’d like to invite you to your (free) instant access to “Communication to Connect From the Inside Out” 3 part video series to discover what you can do to overcome mistakes you may be making in your love and marriage relationship.

START Communicate to Connect Video Series

We’re here for you!

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Do you know the 3 biggest communicating barriers that block more married and unmarried couples from overcoming conflict? Whether you are a married or unmarried couple who want to know about these barriers and want to overcome them, then read this immediately.
 

 

Barrier #1: experiencing partner as the enemy, leading to the battle to be right and win

This is a barrier because when one partner perceives the other as an enemy, the first impulse is to defend. What is the defense? It is one partner jockeying to be right and proving the other as wrong.

This is a barrier because focusing on winning the battle stops each partner from seeing the possibilities available end the war and restoring the feeling of a loving connection that has been ruptured.

Couples can get around this by discovering the bigger picture: if any partner wins, both partners lose and the relationship loses. If one partner has already been stopped in their tracks by experiencing the other as the enemy leading to communication breakdown, then this is how you get started again…

Take a moment to focus out how the relationship can win.

Barrier #2: getting stuck in a vicious cycle of finger pointing and defensiveness

This is a barrier because when one partner is pointing one finger at the other, they have three fingers pointing back at them.

Getting stuck in a vicious cycle of finger pointing and defensiveness can stop couples because they tend to get stuck on the surface of pointing out what is wrong, versus exploring what can be right to overcome the conflict.

Couples can get around this by each partner going within to discover what is really going on beneath that surface that can benefit them personally as well as the relationship.

Any couple who has already been stopped by getting stuck in a vicious cycle of finger pointing and defensiveness, can overcome this by discovering what is trying to be repaired and healed beneath the surface.

Barrier #3: built up resentment justifying negative knee-jerk reactions

This is a barrier because resentment simmering beneath the surface is toxic on so many levels: emotionally, physically, relationally, etc.

This is because built up resentment gets to a boiling point at some point. At a moment’s notice, an explosion can take place at the most inappropriate time. Words can be expressed and actions can be taken that can be so damaging to the point of no return.

The question for couples is “how do we bypass or get around this?

The answer is taking the first step. Take an adult “time out” and go within to figure out what is really happening from the inside out and CHANGE the MESSAGE.

This is a personal process for each partner to take individually and each partner figuring out what they can do to contribute to repairing and healing the upset in a way that restores a loving connection.

Now that you know the top 3 Communication Barriers married and unmarried couples face and how to bypass them, or how to build momentum again if you’ve already smashed into one of them), we’d like to invite you to cut to the front of the line to your (free) instant access to “Communication to Connect From the Inside Out”.

If you’re a married or unmarried and want to discover the solution beneath the surface of that hard wiring in your brain, then “Communication to Connect From the Inside Out” will help you overcome your communication breakdown and apply the solution of communicating from the inside out!

We’re here for you!

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