“Uh, they’re interchangeable.” I said. “Womb’s the religious version.”

I didn’t manage to ask him why he was asking me because I was still dizzy from the glucose solution I’d guzzled twenty minutes earlier, which basically tasted like thick, fruitish poison and made my body feel like surely the Mayans were right.

I imagine he brought it up because one of his dumber patients asked him once, in a voice like Olive Oyl’s, “Hey Doc, what’s my lady business called?”

Love & Affection – Episode 1: The Eye Patch from Eric Wright on Vimeo.

(via Miss Moss)

But, no!  Et voila!  This is the year of less fear, shedding dead weight.

It feels good to start fresh.

Right now the theme is the impossibility of sleep with hips that ache like they’re slowly breaking off.  It’s like cliff erosion for the body!  And while I toss and turn in our teeny tiny bed, pushing Eric and myself to its outer centimeters, a recent theme has been dreams plagued by the idea that I’ll never go anywhere ever again.  A few nights ago, it had to do with the dentist.  How would I ever see the dentist again?  I didn’t know, so I played the dog-baby-boat game with the front door of the office until I had clean teeth.

Instead of real-life riddles, I’m going to keep a list of all the places you can go with infants in New York when you’re not yet back to work but don’t want to stay home.

1. pediatrician!
2. Prospect Park
3. Brooklyn Bridge walk
4. the Met, MoMA, more museums…
5. morning movies
6. baby yoga
7. lunch out
8. Central Park zoo
9. sailing on the Hudson
10. Ellis Island before the tourists get here

◊

That title sounds much more exciting than the reality.  As if I’ve been off in a secret dinosaur-defense training camp in Honduras for three months.  Instead, the things I’m learning are:

1.  Pregnancy message boards will make you at least a third dumber than you are.  But don’t worry — soon, you won’t be able to tell!

2.  According to said boards, 99% of being pregnant is being worried.

3.  How much I miss walking two blocks without getting winded.

4.  Also, how much I miss eating food just because I was hungry, not because it mostly smelled okay, I sorta kinda think I’ll be able to eat it maybe.

5.  And, how nice it was falling asleep just once per day.

Hey, hey, we’re having a baby!

Anyway, we’ve done tons to make living here more fixed, mostly level, and homey, but one thing we’ve never touched is the thing that makes us most insane.

And soon, a plumber will be here, switching the bathroom sink’s hot and cold inputs so that we don’t lose our brains every time we go to wash our hands.

!