Jessica on Babies

Guest Post: Talking to My Five-Year-Old Daughter about Consent

2016-06-09T09:00:00.000-07:00

As a companion piece to my previous post, about talking to my son about rape, Snehal Naik has graciously shared her thoughts on teaching her daughter about consent and how to say no to unwanted touch.

***

You can't talk to a five year old girl about the ugly things that happen to women and girls. But you can talk to her about consent. She doesn't need to know the word but the concept - believe me even a 5 year old can, and does, get it. I know because when my daughter turned five we started doing something very simple. We ask her permission before making contact with her body.

"Can mommy/ daddy give you a hug?" precedes all hugs. Sometimes she says no and we move on. When others want to hug her, I ask if she wants to, or offer up giving a high five as an alternative. Sometimes she says no to both options. And we move on. Yes it's hard when it's close relatives or friends, and I've endured my share of strange and hurt looks. But I thank those who have demonstrated being hurt by her refusal. Because together we are teaching her an invaluable lesson. That she has the right to withhold consent even if it incites hurt, or anger or emotional pleading. That we do not reprimand or cajole her into saying yes when she means no.

Because consent begins now. Not when she's old enough to understand the ugly words in an ugly world.

Now. As soon as she knows where her body ends and someone else's begins. As soon as she knows that a touch can make you feel uncomfortable if you don't want it.

Now. Because I want it to become second nature, a law of her universe, equivalent to " we don't hit" or "we don't tell lies". Add in there "we ask before we touch and wait for a yes".

So she'll instinctively know it's wrong when someone doesn't ask. Or asks and doesn't respect a negative answer. Because I don't ever want her to hesitate even for one split second about whether she should say yes when she wants to say no. Because I don't ever want her to wonder if it was wrong on the other person's part to not respect her answer.

Irrespective of who's asking, how much power they wield over her, how much she doesn't want to upset them, or how much she thinks they love her. I want her to practice saying it to me and her dad- the ultimate power-wielders and love-givers in her life right now. I want her to do it starting right now. So her voice gets louder and louder with practice.

I would do anything in the world to protect my five year old girl from the ugly things that happen to women and girls. Starting right now- with talking to her about consent.

Why (and How) I Talked to My 9-Year-Old about Rape

2016-06-07T09:35:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, spurred in part by the ongoing (rightful) outrage about the light sentence received by the "Stanford rapist," Brock Turner for the rape of an unconscious woman behind a Dumpster on the Stanford campus, I sat down with my oldest son to talk about rape.

My oldest is 9-1/2 and just finishing fourth grade. He's a year from being a rising middle-schooler. He's just a few years from teenagehood and all of the experimentation and adventure that goes along with being an adolescent in America. And as the oldest of four brothers, his experiences and the way we teach him to face the world will set an example for his three younger brothers.

It's a heavy responsibility for him and for us.

In the entire 10-minute conversation, I used the word "rape" only once. Because talking about rape doesn't mean saying, "Hey, you shouldn't have sex with a girl if she doesn't want you to." Talking about rape is placing his behavior in a broader context of being a person of integrity, of doing the right thing, and of knowing what the right thing to do is.

I talked to him a little bit about the Stanford case itself. I didn't give him details about what Turner did. I said the boy and the girl were at a party, and they both drank a lot, and the boy decided that he was going to do what he wanted to the girl even though she was unconscious and couldn't tell him whether she wanted him to do that or not. I talked about how the boy made a very bad decision and that many people are very angry that he got such a light sentence, because what he did hurt the girl very badly, and she will always be hurt by it, even after he gets out of jail and goes on with his life. I talked about how when we hurt someone badly, whether it's physically or mentally (or both), that hurt doesn't go away, ever.

I then asked him if he knows what the word "consent" means. He wasn't sure, so I gave him a simple example. He was sitting at his computer, so I said, "If I ask if I can use your computer, and you say yes, that's giving consent for me to use the computer, and then it's okay for me to use it. If I come to you tomorrow and ask to use the computer and you say no, I don't get to use it just because you told me I could yesterday. Consent has to be given every time." He looked at me like I'd just told him the beach is sandy.

Then I explained why it's so hard for many women who have been touched in ways they don't want to be touched to report the crime. I said, "What if you were out on the playground at school, and for no reason at all, some kid walked up to you and punched you in the face? That would be wrong, right?" He nodded. "But what if then you went to a teacher and said the boy had punched you in the face, and the teacher said, 'Well, what were you doing? Maybe you made him angry. Maybe he didn't like the expression on your face. You know he doesn't really like you. You must have said something he didn't like.' And on top of that, the boy got suspended for three days and everyone was upset that because he was suspended, he couldn't play on the basketball team, and he's such a good basketball player, and it's such a shame that this one action ruined his career! None of that changes the fact that it was wrong to walk up to you and punch you in the face, but if that was the reaction you got, it would make you not want to bother reporting it, right?" I told him that's basically what happens to a lot of women who try to report when someone has hurt them.

I told him I really didn't think I was raising boys who would ever think it's right to touch someone who doesn't want to be touched. I told him I wanted to be raising boys who would become teenagers and men who would be able to see when someone else was doing the wrong thing and speak up. We talked about various scenarios. For example, if he sees a friend of his touching a girl, and she obviously doesn't want to be touched, he could go up to his friend and say, "Hey, man, are you sure this is cool?" Or, if he feels it would be dangerous to interfere directly, he can always call the police and report an assault in progress. Or, he can gather his friends who also know right from wrong and all together they can approach the person and suggest that what he's doing is not okay.

I said I knew most of this was kind of abstract for him now and that I hoped he was never in such a situation. But, I wanted him to have my words in his head all the time, so that if he finds himself in a place where he has the opportunity to do the right thing, he will know what to do. I said the only reason the boy at Stanford even got caught was because two guys rode by on bicycles and thought something looked weird, so they stopped to intervene. I said those two men are heroes, and I want my sons to be the ones who stop and check in when something doesn't look right.

This is not a one-time conversation. This is an ongoing and evolving subject that we will have to revisit. I will have to start this conversation with each of my sons as they get big enough to understand. And I can plant the seed with even the youngest by reminding him that if he's doing something and the other person asks him to stop, then he must stop. Period.

If it's simple enough for my 9-year-old to understand, then it's simple enough for a drunk 20-year-old to understand. Start the conversation. Keep having the conversation.

#notmyson

Childcare Options Part I: Do I Want a Nanny or a Daycare or Something Else?

2016-03-16T08:00:00.000-07:00

In August 2015, I opened my own business. My older two boys are in school all day, but my younger two are not, and I needed to find a childcare solution so that I could work during the day. There are several options when it comes to childcare, and your choice may depend greatly on your living situation, your financial means, and the culture of your neighborhood and family. We ultimately decided to hire a nanny to come to our house every day and care for our kids.

In this first article, I will discuss the various pros and cons of the childcare options out there. I've identified four general "types" of childcare you may consider and listed some pros and cons to each option.

1. Family Member(s)
Some parents are lucky enough to have family members who can help watch their child(ren) while they work. This may be a sibling, a grandparent, aunt, cousin, or a combination of people who take turns. Some parents will pay their family members for the childcare (for example, to help out a retired grandparent who could use a little extra cash). Often, though, childcare is offered by family members without expectation of payment, to assist the working parents in maintaining their household.

Pros:

First of all, it will cost considerably less than a daycare facility or paid nanny or babysitter (obviously). In families where finances are tight and paying for care would be impossible or impractical, this may be the only choice they have. It is often true that paying for care would wipe out one of the parent's whole paycheck.
If it is a family member you love and trust and who your child loves, then you can feel secure knowing that your baby is well cared for while you are working.
If your job involves non-traditional work hours (such as a job in retail or healthcare), a family member will likely be more flexible and more able to watch your child at odd times.
A family member also means consistent care, that your child sees the same person every day and can develop a secure attachment to her/him.
In addition, if your child is sick, your family member may still be able to care for him, whereas he or she might not be able to go to a daycare or preschool facility when sick.
A family member may also be able to care for your child on holidays and other times when a facility or school might be closed but you still have to work.
The IRS also does not require you to report employment taxes if you pay your parent or child as a domestic employee.
If your child has any health or allergy issues, a family member can tend to those special needs in your own home, an environment which you have made safe for him or her.

Cons:

It can be a problem if your caregiver is doing something you don't like - for example, giving your child foods you don't want him to have, or letting him watch TV shows you'd prefer he not watch, or putting him in a car seat incorrectly - because it may be difficult to confront a family member who is doing you a favor with things you would like her/him to change. After all, you don't want seem ungrateful. And if you do say something, depending on the personality of your family member, you may risk them deciding they don't want to help you anymore.
Aside from these interpersonal/relationship considerations, when you have only person available to watch your child, if that person becomes ill, wants to take a vacation, or is otherwise unavailable, you have to scramble to find a replacement.
Also, if that person suddenly decides they don't want to watch your child(ren) anymore, you may be stuck without any other options.
If your child or children are alone with the caregiver without much opportunity to socialize with other children, you may consider this a disadvantage as well.
Plus, your child(ren) will only be exposed to activities and experiences that your caregiver can provide, which means less variety of arts and crafts or cooking or outdoor play or games or toys or whatever else is important to you.

2. Paid Nanny/Babysitter in Your Home
A great option for childcare is to hire a nanny or babysitter to come to your home when you are working to take care of your child(ren).

Pros:

Your children are taken care of in their comfortable home environment, with access to the foods and toys and other activities you want them to have in a place you feel safe.
Also, this provides the flexibility you may need if, for example, you have older children in school who need to be home for any reason, so that you don't have to find alternative childcare for them.
Your child(ren) will have the advantage of seeing the same person every day and forming a bond with that person.
You can "keep an eye" on them by popping home, or, if you work from home, you can keep an ear out to see how everybody is doing.
A nanny may also be able to work flexible hours if your job requires you to work outside of regular business hours.
A nanny will likely be able to care for your child even if he is sick, whereas he or she might not be able to go to school or a daycare center if he has a fever or stomach issues.
Some nannies will also do housework such as laundry, dishes, and cooking, which can be a massive help for busy parents.
Hiring a nanny can be easier on the wallet as well if you have multiple children needing care, since you would typically pay a daycare facility tuition for each child, whereas you would pay your nanny a set rate for all children together. (You may need to pay more for multiple children than for one, but likely not as much as you would pay a daycare for that number of children.)
In addition, if your child has any health or allergy issues, a nanny can tend to those special needs in your own home, an environment which you have made safe for him or her.

Cons:

You are trusting a somewhat unknown element/a relative stranger in your own home with your children. It is very important that you be comfortable with your choice and that you can trust the person you have hired.
If your nanny decides she doesn't want to work for you anymore, you are stuck having to find alternatives quickly.
If she is sick or needs a day off, you may not have any backup (unless you have arranged for some in advance).
There are also tax implications to hiring a household employee, which you should be aware of. You must pay employment taxes and report her earnings to the IRS, and she must pay her own taxes on the income as well.
And, similar to the above-mentioned "cons" to using a family member as your caregiver, if your child or children are alone with the caregiver without much opportunity to socialize with other children, you may consider this a disadvantage as well.
Plus, your child(ren) will only be exposed to activities and experiences that your caregiver can provide, which means less variety of arts and crafts or cooking or outdoor play or games or toys.

3. Home Daycare
One type of daycare facility is a "home daycare," where a small group of children is cared for by one or a few caregivers in the caregiver's private home. There may be anywhere from 4 to 12 children in the home at any given time. You pay, typically weekly, for each of your children who attends the daycare.

Pros:

At a daycare, your child will have the opportunity to interact with other children on a regular basis and learn how to conduct himself in an environment different from his own home.
You don't need to worry about having a stranger in your home caring for your child.
A home daycare facility should be licensed by the state, which means it needs to meet certain safety and structural requirements.
A home daycare is often run by one or a small number of people who are the direct caregivers for your child and will love and care for them like their own children.
They will likely have toys and activities for the children that you may not have at your home, and they will have a structure and schedule to the day, which is of great benefit to children.
Home daycares are often open long hours (sometimes as much as 6:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. or even later) and can be fairly flexible as to the days and hours that your child attends.
Some offer school drop-off and pickup for your older children as well, and may be able to watch your school-aged children after school or on school holidays (this will vary from daycare to daycare, but it is of interest to many people who work long hours).
Your child is in a private home, which is a controlled setting with a small number of people around and less in-and-out of adults and children.

Cons:

Daycare can be hit or miss in terms of quality. Many home daycares offer very high-quality care and you and your child will love the caregiver(s) and be thrilled with your arrangement. But others may be only adequate, in that your child is safe and fed, but possibly not stimulated or given as much love and interaction as you'd like.
In a home daycare, there are often several children of different ages, so your six-month-old will be in the same room as three-year-olds, whose needs are different.
It is a small group in a relatively small space, and if there are any personality conflicts or another child your child simply doesn't get along with, it can be a stressful environment.
In the first year or so in a daycare setting, your child will probably catch every cold and stomach virus around, which may mean a large number of sick days for him or her and you. (The "pro" side of this is once your child's immune system has "toughened up" from repeat exposure to viruses and bacteria, she or he is less likely to be sick often as she or he gets older.)
If your child has any health issues or allergies, it may be harder to have those special needs addressed in a home daycare setting where one person is caring for multiple children with varying needs.
If the caregiver wants to take a vacation or is sick, the daycare may be closed for a day or week or even weeks at a time, necessitating your finding alternative care.
If you work a late evening or early morning shift, the daycare will likely not be open at a time when you still require childcare.
Price may also be an issue. You will typically need to pay for each child who attends the daycare, and you have to pay for your child's spot even if your child isn't at daycare that day or week.

4. Freestanding Daycare Facility
There are also freestanding daycares, which are buildings dedicated to childcare and are not private homes.

Pros:

Your child is in an environment specifically designed for him or her. Daycares usually divide children into different rooms by age, so your child will be with other children in his or her peer group and will have a day structured according to his or her needs for sleep, food, and play.
A daycare facility should be licensed by the state, which means it needs to meet certain safety and structural requirements.
A daycare will have a structure and schedule to the day, which is very beneficial for children.
They will have multiple staff members, so that even if one is sick or has some time off, there will be someone else around to care for the children, so you don't have to worry as much about an interruption in care.
Most daycare facilities will have outdoor play areas with play structures and other outdoor equipment and toys. They will also have a variety of toys and educational tools and other activities which will be rotated and changed relatively often, so there is always something new to do.
Your child may be exposed to many different types of activities, such as arts and crafts, music, language, dance, games, books, and opportunities to learn and develop fine and gross motor skills.
Your child will be among many other children in a supervised and managed space to foster social growth and emotional awareness.
Daycare centers are often open long hours (sometimes as much as 6:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. or even later).
Some offer school drop-off and pickup for your older children as well, and may offer special after school or school holiday care as well (this will vary from daycare to daycare).

Cons:

A big "con" to a daycare facility is cost. A high quality daycare can be prohibitively expensive for many families. If you have multiple children who need care, you will have to pay separate tuition for each child. (Some daycares offer a modest discount for multiple children, such as 5% or 10% off one tuition fee.)
Daycares will have strict operating hours and may not tolerate your picking up your child late or allow her or him to attend at times she or he is not signed up for. (This is because staff need to go home, too, and they need to be able to plan to have the required number of staff members for the number of children who are there.)
Many daycares will close for federal holidays and in-service days, meaning you may need to make alternative childcare arrangements for those days.
You have to pay for your child's spot in the daycare even when he or she doesn't attend for a few days or weeks.
Some daycares have a fairly high turnover of staff, which means your child may not get to bond with a single caregiver.
A daycare with a large number of children will have adults in and out throughout the day, which may be a safety issue. Be sure your choice of daycare has strong security standards, such as requiring children to be signed in and out by a parent or guardian and doors that lock so that adults must be permitted entrance by a member of the daycare staff.
And, as with the above "cons" regarding a home daycare, in the first year or so in a daycare setting, your child will probably catch every cold and stomach virus around, which may mean a large number of sick days for him or her and you. (The "pro" side of this is once your child's immune system has "toughened up" from repeat exposure to viruses and bacteria, she or he is less likely to be sick often as she or he gets older.)
If your child has any health issues or allergies, it may be harder to have those special needs addressed in a daycare setting where there are multiple children with varying, and possibly contradictory, needs.

5. Other Creative Childcare Solutions
Some families come up with creative solutions to their childcare needs. Here are some other options you may consider:

You may "trade off" care with a friend, where they watch your children along with theirs on days you need care, and you watch their children along with your own while they need care. This works well in families where one parent works part time or from home and doesn't need regular care or the structure of a daycare facility.
Some families set up a "nanny share," wherein they go in together in hiring and paying for a nanny and share her time, so that she cares for some children on some days and other children on other days.
There are preschools called "co-ops," where parents take turns volunteering in the classroom, which reduces the cost of the school considerably but also requires a large commitment of your time. This would not work well for a parent who works full-time.
Shift work. Some parents take the drastic measure of working opposing shifts (one works during the day and the other at night) so that whichever parent is not working can be home with the child. This can be very stressful, as you cannot really sleep and take care of your child simultaneously (especially for the night-shift working parent), and the two parents rarely get a chance to spend time together. You may also find a variance of this wherein you work different days of the week or different daytime hours.
Take your child to work. Some offices may allow you to bring your baby or small child to work with you. This is quite unusual, but depending on the type of work you do, you may be able to make an arrangement with your employer that will allow you to bring your child with you to work, at least on occasion, to help cut back on childcare costs.

Once you decide on the type of care you want, you will need to figure out who to hire or which facility to use. My next article will address these difficult decisions.

LATCH versus TETHER

2015-10-20T14:15:00.001-07:00

I recently realized that often car seat users are confused about some terminology. I thought I'd try to set the record straight.

There are three types of connectors for your car seat.

I. SEAT BELT
Any car seat can be installed in any car using the car's seat belt. Your car seat manual will have instructions on how to properly do so.

You MUST make sure the seat belt is LOCKED. Most cars on the road have automatic locking retractors, which means you can lock them by pulling the seat belt all the way out and then letting it retract. If your car does not have this feature, you must obtain a locking clip and consult your car seat manual on how to use it properly.

II. LATCH
LATCH is an acronym for Lower Anchors and Tethers for Children. All cars manufactured in the United States since 2002 are required to have LATCH connectors. These are metal loops usually found in the seat crack. Your car seat has a strap with hooks that connect to these loops and is one method for installing a car seat. Check both your vehicle manual and car seat manual for how to find and properly use the LATCH system.

III. TETHER
All forward-facing car seats will have a TOP TETHER. This is a strap that is attached to the TOP of the car seat back. Your car is required to have at least 3 anchor points to attach this top tether to. The tether prevents the car seat from pitching forward in a crash, which helps protect your child's head and neck. The anchor points can be found in one of various locations depending on the type of car and the type of seats you have. In a sedan, the anchors are typically found behind the head rest on the shelf above the trunk. On captain's chairs in a van or SUV, they are often near the bottom of the back of the chair. In some cars, the anchors are in the ceiling behind the seat. Check your vehicle manual for the locations of these anchor points!

Here's where it gets confusing!

You should not use both the LATCH and the seat belt for installation.

You SHOULD use the top tether with every forward-facing car seat, regardless of whether you use LATCH or seat belt to install the car seat.

Moving with Children: Some Thoughts and Advice

2015-08-03T23:37:00.000-07:00

I know to most of my readers, I exist in a somewhat static online location, but my family has actually moved twice since I started Jessica on Babies, most recently last month! We moved from Southern California to Northern California two years ago, and this summer moved back down to Southern California.

Both of our recent moves were corporate relocations, which means we were lucky enough to be provided with a packing service. We still had to do some purging and organizing, but at least we didn't have to actually acquire, fill, label, and tape the boxes. Even so, moving is stressful for everyone, especially a long-distance move to a new and unfamiliar place. This most recent move, we didn't even see the house we were moving into until we actually arrived here!

Here are some of my thoughts and bits of advice on long-distance (or short-distance!) moves with children.

Small children may wonder where their stuff is going and if they're going to see it again. Make sure that you keep your child's lovey and a few favorite books and small toys out so that there is something familiar among the chaos. For verbal children, especially preschool-aged ones, explain that their clothes and toys are going into the boxes, but that those boxes are going to arrive at the new house and they'll get to unpack and use their things again.

School-aged children will worry about attending a new school and making new friends. We were fortunate to move in the summer, so my kids don't have the disruption of changing schools in the middle of a school year. They have not expressed a great deal of concern over starting at a new school, but school hasn't started yet. I am nervous for them - especially for my oldest, who will be going into fourth grade. I signed them up for a couple of weeks of summer camp in our new town in the hopes that they'd get to meet some kids their age who live locally, and hopefully some who will be at their new school. It was also an opportunity for me to meet some of the local parents!

Babies and toddlers will adjust the fastest. My youngest didn't much care where he was sleeping as long as he had his familiar blankets, and as long as I nursed him down in his new room. He even got a new bed when we got to our new house. Our only concern with the youngest was that we moved from a one-story house (where he'd been born) to a two-story house, and we wanted to make sure he'd get used to climbing up and down the stairs. It took him a couple of weeks to become comfortable with the steps, but he goes up and down like a pro now. He has enjoyed exploring his new digs.

Maintain your family routines as much as possible. A new house means a new way of life no matter how you slice it, but the basic structure of your day can still stay the same. Children are comforted by keeping to a familiar schedule. They like to know what's coming next. Anything you can do to keep their days as familiar as possible will help them adjust.

DON'T PACK THE LOVEY. I put that in all caps because it's so, so important. If your young child has a favorite blankie or stuffed animal or toy that he or she uses as a transitional or comfort object, make sure it stays near them! When they get to their new room, having their lovey there to sleep with will help them become used to the idea that this place is now their home.

Give fair warning of the move. We decided to make the move quite a while before we told our kids. We spent a long time discussing when was the right moment to tell them. We wanted to give them enough time to ask us questions about the new area, to solidify the idea of the move in their minds, and to let the shock wear off a little, but we didn't want them to be worrying about it for weeks and months either. We ended up telling them about a month and a half before we were scheduled to move. This gave them a chance to say goodbye to friends at school, have some last play dates, look at pictures of the new house, and talk about what we'd be doing during the summer.

Reassure them that you'll be staying for a while. It took my almost-four-year-old a while to understand that this is his new home. We stayed for a couple of nights in two hotels before moving in, which may have been confusing for him. After moving in, he asked repeatedly when we were going back to the hotel, or back to our house, and I had to explain, gently, several times, that we were living here now, that this is our new house, and that we aren't going back to the other house.

Find lots of positive things to talk about. For myself as much as for the kids, I spent a lot of time listing the things that would be better or easier or more fun in the new location. At the same time, I acknowledged the things we would miss about our old town. Validate their feelings. There will be a mix of excitement and nerves, sadness about leaving friends but a little bit of the thrill of adventure all mixed up. It's okay to be sad. Yes, you'll miss your friends. I'm sad, too. I'm going to miss a lot of things about this place. But think of all the neat things about our new city! I was able to list many positives about the move, which helped all of us get used to the idea. We were fortunate to be moving closer to several family members the kids enjoy seeing, so we could talk about how they'd get to see these family members more often, for example.

Be honest. Our kids wanted to know why we were moving. We told them, to their level, the reasons. There were several factors that went into the decision, and they didn't need to know the entire decision tree, but they deserved to know that we had thought a lot about what we wanted to do. We uprooted them as much as we uprooted ourselves, and it was important to me that they understand that Mommy and Daddy made the decision we thought was best for the whole family.

Follow their lead. All kids are different, and some may have a great deal of trouble with the change while others will embrace it head-on. Don't make worries where none exist, but don't downplay the genuine emotions they have. If you can reflect and acknowledge what your child is actually feeling, they will feel more secure in knowing that you truly understand what's going on in their heads, and you can help them work through those complicated emotions.

Find some new favorite places. We immediately located and went to some favorite chain restaurants and new-to-us stores. We went to the grocery store, toured the neighborhood, and perused Google Maps for places we specifically wanted to go. This helped establish this new city as our home base right away.

Be kind to yourself. You will be under a great deal of stress. Go easy on yourself, and, especially, go easy on your kids. Everyone's emotions will be running high in the days leading up to the move and for a little while until you feel settled. Own those feelings, acknowledge them within yourself, and let go as much as you can. Eat off paper plates, cook as little as possible, take a few days off from work if you can. Moving sucks. There's no two ways about it. Don't bury the stress or you'll explode. Ask me how I know!

That's all I can think of right now. Have you made a major move with your kids? What would you add to this list?

Let Me Answer That For You: A Response to All the [Negative or Unsupportive] Comments on Any Article about Nursing in Public

2015-07-16T11:56:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I bother to read the comments on articles that reference breastfeeding in public. There's never anything new, and there are never any surprises, and I'm never left feeling like there's any hope for humanity. But I persist. I keep hoping to see something different.

Take, for example, an article on The Huffington Post yesterday. It was entitled, "Why Breastfeeding Moms Are Praising Target". The article shared a picture from Facebook that shows major retailer Target explicitly stating its policy on how employees should treat breastfeeding mothers in all Target stores. The policy states:

"Guests may openly breastfeed in our stores or ask where they can go to breastfeed their child. When this happens, remember these points:

Target's policy supports breastfeeding in any area of our stores, including our fitting rooms, even if others are waiting

If you see a guest breastfeeding in our stores, do not approach her

If she approaches and asks you for a location to breastfeed, offer the fitting room (do not offer the restroom as an option)

If you have any questions, partner with your leader."

Breastfeeding mothers are lauding Target for making it abundantly clear that they are welcome to breastfeed anywhere in a Target store, that they will not be approached or harassed by Target employees, and that employees are to offer a fitting room - and not a restroom - to a mother who asks for a private location to breastfeed.

Because I apparently enjoy a trainwreck as much as the next guy (or girl), I clicked on the comments on HuffPost's Facebook post about this article.

And, as usual, there were no surprises.

So, I present: "Let Me Answer That For You," a response to All The Comments, Ever, on any article discussing breastfeeding in public.

"I don't want to see that."
Then I have good news for you! You don't have to look! And if you happen to be looking in my direction and are *gasp* treated to a brief view of some side boob or flabby mommy-of-4 tummy, then may I offer you some eye bleach? There are lots of things out there I don't want to see. You know what I do about it? I look in another direction.

"There are children watching."
Uh huh. And I bet a lot of those children breastfed and will go up to have babies who breastfeed. I bet none of those children are offended by what they are seeing. I bet none of those children have any reason to think they should be offended by what they are seeing. I guarantee not one of them will be psychologically damaged by witnessing a baby eating. I am 100% certain that my breasts do not produce harmful radiation, project dangerous laser beams, or are bright enough to cause retinal burns. And if your child turns to you and asks, "What is that lady doing with that baby?", all you have to do is say, "She's feeding him," and your child will go back to telling you about brown dogs, fire hydrants, and how they don't like broccoli.

"There are men around. You know how they are!"
To be honest, I see more negative comments from women than men about public breastfeeding. Most men don't seem to care one way or another, and I've certainly never felt that one is staring at me hoping for a nip slip. And if he is? That's his problem, not mine. Why do you care?

"You should time your errands around your child's feeding schedule."
No. I shouldn't. I shouldn't have to. First of all, what if I have more than one child? What if I have this exact two-hour window between preschool drop-off and pickup to run to Target to buy diapers, hit a grocery store to replenish the milk and eggs we used up at breakfast, ship some stuff at the post office, and deposit a check at the bank? And what if, shocking as it may be, my baby happens to get hungry during those two hours? It's quite likely that she will, and when she does, if I don't feed her, she will scream. She will cry. And then you will look at me and say to your friend, judgmentally, "Ugh, why is she letting that poor baby cry?" Babies don't always have predictable feeding times. Exclusively breastfed babies may sometimes go two hours between meals and other times, sometimes on the same day, go only 45 minutes between meals. And a key to maintaining healthy breastfeeding is to feed when the baby is hungry, whether you're at Target or sitting in your bedroom. Besides, if I get hungry while I'm out, I'm very likely to grab a bite to eat. If I have my preschooler with me and he gets hungry, I'll give him a snack. Why does my baby have to be different just because her "snack" comes from my breasts instead of my diaper bag or McDonald's?

"Why don't you pump before you leave so you can give them a bottle while you're out?"
Where do I begin, here? Well. (a) Some babies refuse to drink from a bottle; (b) Many women do not respond well to the pump and can't express enough milk to fill a bottle; (c) Maybe I did just that but he got hungry again and I don't have another bottle for him; (d) If I don't pump on a regular basis, I probably won't be able to produce enough during the rushed 15 minutes before walking out the door to provide that bottle; (e) Feeding from a bottle is not the same as feeding at the breast, and it's a million extra steps instead of simply latching on and going; (f) Don't nobody with a young baby got time for an extra pumping session before running errands! (g) When, exactly, should I pump? Between feedings? Should I leave him crying in his car seat while I squeeze out a few drops of milk before I load up the car and go? Do you have any idea how much longer it takes and how much more work it is to pump as opposed to just feeding from the breast? I have a family to raise!

"Leave the baby at home when you go out."
With whom? Are you volunteering to babysit? Because, actually, running errands without my baby in tow sounds heavenly, but I'm it when it comes to childcare. Also, what if she gets hungry while I'm out? Who's gonna breastfeed her? You? See above for reasons I might not be able to just leave a bottle of pumped milk. And, yes, I'm aware that formula exists, and, no, I don't want to give him any. Thanks for the tip.

"Breastfeeding should be a private and intimate act."
Do you set up a romantic, private table, with candles and wine, for every meal? Does your family never shovel food in their mouths while packing up for school and running out the door? Is every meal in your home a private bonding moment? No? Because neither is every breastfeeding. Sometimes breastfeeding is just feeding. It's a meal. It's a brief stop in between returning books at the library and getting gas. Yes, breastfeeding in a quiet room, just me and the baby, can be very nice, but there isn't always time for that, and it isn't always appropriate. Sometimes, you just gotta feed the baby and move on.

"Just because it's natural doesn't mean everyone needs to see it. Sex/urinating/defecating is also natural!"
I really don't want to have to go there again, but I will, since you brought it up. Breastfeeding does not involve unsanitary bodily fluids such as urine, nor waste products such as feces. Breastfeeding is feeding. Breastmilk is food. Just because it happens to involve the breast does not mean it's the same as having sex. We do not flush breastmilk down the toilet. We do not have sex as a form of nourishment. We do not eat in the bathroom. Orgasm does not provide calories, fats, vitamins, and minerals to help us grow. Give me a break. It's not the same thing. Hugging my child is natural, and I do that all the time in public. Eating a salad is natural, and I do that all the time in public, too (okay, maybe a hamburger, not a salad. You caught me). On the other hand, driving a car, wearing clothes, and getting a manicure are not natural, but we do those things in public. Your logic doesn't hold.

"Why do you want your boobs hanging out?"
I don't. But apparently you do in that low-cut top. You can't see much when I breastfeed. Frankly, if you glanced at me while I'm breastfeeding, half the time you probably wouldn't even realize what I'm doing. And even if you did, the most you'd see is my flabby tummy, not my boobs. If that offends you, I sincerely apologize. I haven't had a chance to meet with my personal trainer, dietitian, and plastic surgeon because I'm busy caring for my family.

"I don't mind if you breastfeed in public, but you should cover up when you do."
Oh, thanks for that. I don't mind if you chew with your mouth open in public, but I wish you'd throw a blanket over your head when you do. What, you don't want to eat with a blanket over your head? My mistake. All snark aside, some babies refuse to nurse under a cover. Many babies will pull it aside, kick it, grab it, or swat it away. A cover makes it more difficult to see while you latch the baby on. A cover is hot. A cover slips off. And, frankly, a cover draws MORE attention to what I'm doing than if I just life my shirt slightly, latch baby on, and go on about my business. Plus, it's yet another thing to carry.

"Why don't you go do it in a [private location such as a car or bathroom]?"
Sometimes I do, although usually not the bathroom. But when I've got a half-full shopping cart, or I'm in the middle of a meal at a restaurant, or I'm watching my other children play at the park, it's impractical or impossible to find somewhere else to breastfeed. I don't want to feel isolated. I don't want to have to leave my companions. I don't want to feel segregated or left out. And I don't want to pull my other kids away from their play or their meal so that I can go somewhere else to feed their baby brother. That seems quite unfair to them, don't you think? I don't want to abandon my cart in the middle of the grocery aisle. I don't want to interrupt my shopping process. And I really, really don't want to sit in a dingy bathroom to nurse.

"Wait until you get home. The baby won't starve."
He might. And even if he won't, what if I won't be going home for a few more hours? What if home is an hour away? And in the meantime, he'll be screaming and crying, getting more and more upset, becoming distressed. My breasts will be filling with milk with nowhere to go and I'll be in pain. If my baby is struggling to put on weight, or I'm struggling to maintain a full supply of milk, feeding on demand and not delaying feedings is vital. Yes, vital. If it'll be 10 minutes, yes, sometimes I will wait until I get home because we'll both be more comfortable there. But if it's going to be three hours, waiting until I get home is simply not an option. He'll probably need to feed twice more in that time!

Whew, I'm glad to get all of that out of my system!

What other hurtful, unsupportive, or negative comments have you seen when it comes to breastfeeding in public. How would you respond to these common ones I've listed?

A History of Sleep Deprivation

2015-05-18T13:57:00.000-07:00

I've been enjoying the TimeHop app on my phone. It's fun to see old Facebook posts about things my kids said, or pictures of them, or other random happenings, or information I came across and wanted to share.

What has struck me, though, is just how many of those posts are about sleep, and how I wish I could get more of it.

Since I've been on Facebook for about seven years, give or take, some of these posts go back pretty far, at least to S's infancy. And almost daily, one of the posts from one of the years going back to when S was a baby has said something along the lines of, "I hope [whichever baby] lets me sleep tonight," or "WHY is [baby] not asleep yet?" or "I need more coffee," or "[Baby] actually slept through the night last night!"

And I'm still feeling that way, with Y approaching 19 months. Sleep is such a feature when it comes to babies and toddlers, it's such a central theme. I've had a baby or a toddler in my life nonstop for 8-1/2 years now, and in all that time, I've had just a few months here and there in which everybody in the house was sleeping through the night. This is not an exaggeration. It's simple truth. My Facebook history is witness to that.

Sleep is such an issue that there is a whole growing industry of "sleep consultants" who will meet with you in person or virtually, assess your baby's sleep habits and environment, and give you a personalized plan to get your baby sleeping through the night. A consultation and plan, with follow up, can run in the hundreds of dollars, and I imagine many parents feel it is money well spent. I feel like I know enough about infant sleep that if I had the will and the strength, I could do all this myself and have my kids sleeping through the night. But since I don't have that willpower, I don't think I could bring myself to follow someone else's plan, either. I'm not saying you shouldn't use a sleep consultant if you think it will help. I'm just saying I don't think it's the answer for my family.

The problem is that there is such a wide range of advice and rhetoric around infant and toddler sleep. At one end of the spectrum are those who say that by three to four months of age, you should put your baby in a crib in a dark room at a set bedtime, shut the door, and walk away, and don't return until the time he is "allowed" to wake up. No amount of crying from him should sway you to comfort him or in any way appear to be giving in to him. Because, they say, babies need to learn to sleep on their own, and if they don't learn it young, it will be harder and harder to learn it as they get older!

At the other end of the spectrum are those who say that a baby needs what she needs, and you should respond every time she asks for you. Indeed, if she needs to sleep in bed with you and suckle at your breast all night, then that's what you should do so that she feels safe and protected and secure, and so she knows that you will always be there for her. Some kids will need to sleep with you until they're five or six, but most will ask for their own bed at some point. After all, they say, in other cultures, the whole family sleeps together in one big bed anyway, so why do we in the West think it's wrong?

With this kind of contradictory advice about what you "should" be doing for your baby, and what your baby "should" be doing, what is a new parent to believe? Who's right?

I think both are right. And neither. I think parents and baby have a right to a good night's sleep, have a right to their needs being met, and have a right to negotiate the best possible sleep for everybody. I adamantly disagree that if you don't "teach" a baby to sleep through the night when he's six months old, then he'll be waking at night for years. I also adamantly disagree that if parents are simply uncomfortable allowing a baby or toddler to sleep in their bed, they should do it anyway for the best interests of their child.

How you go about finding this middle ground will vary depending on your personality and parenting style. I'm a hands-off type, and after four kids, I've learned that eventually you hit a wall and have to make a change, and usually at that point it's easier than you expected it to be to make that change. I'm also lazy about enforcing a schedule or pattern, and I am pulled in too many directions at night to focus so strongly on just one of the kids. Usually I get a sense of what I need to do, then find a way to work up to it, and then suddenly implement the new rule, which takes a few nights or weeks to stick. I tend to take things in stages. First, put him in his own bed (as opposed to mine). Next, wean him from needing to nurse at night (in the hope that if he doesn't have that to wake up for, he won't bother waking up). Finally, if he is still waking for comfort even if he's not nursing, help him learn self-soothing techniques so he can put himself back to sleep instead of calling for me. This was the general process I did with G starting at about 15 months, and it took about eight months until he was totally falling asleep on his own, in his own bed, and sleeping through until morning without waking me.

I have the benefit of knowing that they do eventually sleep through the night. My 8 and 6-year-olds take their own bath or shower, get themselves in PJs, and read to themselves in bed, then put themselves to sleep and sleep through until morning (barring illness, bathroom, or nightmares, of course). Neither was always that way, and indeed both woke me many, many, many times at night until I finally decided to attempt a change. Change is slow but inexorable, and eventually you realize, hey, it's been a while since I needed to tend to him at night!

I'll be starting the next stage of this process with Y soon. He's already sleeping in his own bed, but, unfortunately, I usually end up sleeping there with him most nights. He also nurses several times a night and nurses to sleep for naps and bedtime as well. My next project will be to night-wean him, so that he no longer needs or asks to nurse at bedtime or throughout the night. I hope that he will simply start sleeping through the night at that point, but, judging from my experience with G, I will probably have to tend to night-wakings for a few more months, and possibly do some light sleep training, before everyone in the house goes to bed, goes to sleep, and sleeps through until morning.

What a luxurious time that will be!

Maybe a few years from now, when I look at my TimeHop or my Facebook history, I won't be inundated with complaints about my babies' sleep. Instead, I'll be relatively well-rested, alert, and able to focus more of my energies on living life, instead of craving sleep.

I wish you all good nights and good sleep.

If you have any questions about infant sleep, I've written on this subject many times. Check out the sleep tag for lots of stories and information.

Socks for Mother's Day

2015-05-13T21:33:00.002-07:00

I wear socks All The Time. I hate walking around barefoot, but I also hate wearing shoes indoors, so I tend to kick off my shoes when I get in the house and then walk around in my socks all day. (I'm in my house almost all day, most days.) The unfortunate consequence of this habit is that my socks wear out pretty quickly and need replacing.

The problem is, one of the last things I would think to buy for myself is socks. There's always something else that needs buying. The kids need new clothes and shoes. There's a field trip coming up. Everyone needs haircuts. We need groceries, diapers, baby wipes. This bill or that bill is due. Socks? Who would put socks on the list when there are so many more immediate needs to fill?

And so, on Mother's Day three years ago, my husband left me to spend the day with my mother and G, who was a baby at the time. He took N and S, the two older boys, off to have lunch and go shopping. When we reunited later that afternoon, he handed me two big packages of socks that he and the boys had picked out for me. One set had various types of smiley faces on them. Another was colorful with various patterns. No boring socks around here!

I thought it was such a great idea, to get me socks. It's not an extravagant gesture, but I don't need or want extravagance. I feel guilty when I spend our money on myself, and something expensive and overwhelming would make me wonder what bill I now couldn't pay because of money spent on something I didn't really need. But socks are useful, and I could tell he had picked out ones he knew I would like.

This quickly became a tradition, and now every year on Mother's Day, I receive several pairs of fun new socks to replace the ones that are wearing out.

This year, my husband outdid himself and entered into a conspiracy with my aunt to purchase not only socks but a pair of slippers, to be delivered to her house and paid for with her credit card (he reimbursed her with a check) so that I couldn't see the charge on our bank activity! I had mentioned in passing a while back that I should get some slippers, and he remembered and sought out a pair for me.

Mother's Day is about honoring the mother or mothers in your life. It's about thinking of them, and letting them know you're thinking of them. Even though it's a small thing, socks for Mother's Day, to me, means, "Here, you deserve to take care of yourself first once in a while." It means, "I noticed your socks all had holes in them, and that can't be comfortable to walk around in!" And it means, "I remembered that you wanted slippers, so I got you some."

What are your "socks" for Mother's Day?

More on Vaccination: A Simple Risk-Benefit Analysis Regarding the Measles Vaccine

2015-05-01T23:51:00.003-07:00

The other day, I took my perfectly healthy, 18-month-old son to the doctor. The nurse weighed him and measured his height (27lbs., 4oz., and 33.25"). The doctor looked in his eyes, nose, mouth, and ears, felt his abdomen, listened to his heart and lungs, asked some questions about his development. Then the nurse came back, and I held him still for a minute while the nurse swabbed his bare thigh with some alcohol and jabbed him with a needle. My son cried indignantly. I put his pants on, thanked the nurse and doctor, declined to make a further appointment at the moment (his next checkup will be when he turns two), and left the office. I buckled him and his brother into their car seats (checking to make sure their straps were properly tightened and their chest clips were aligned with their arm pits), then drove them to the park, where they played for an hour with a babysitter while I went to appointment of my own. It was a sunny, gorgeous, perfect day, and the boys had fun going down the slides, swinging, and eating a snack. I picked them up, buckled them carefully into their car seats again, and drove to McDonald's, where they ate a special lunch. Then we got back in the car and drove home, following traffic laws. I nursed the toddler in his bed, and he fell asleep and took a nap while his brother watched TV. The rest of the day was similarly uneventful.

The next day while getting the toddler dressed, I checked his thigh where he had been given the shot and couldn't find the spot where the needle went in.

Today, he is cheerfully playing with his brother in the living room. We're going to the supermarket soon. Later, we'll go see the oldest in the school talent show and have tacos for dinner.

If you're waiting for some kind of dramatic, "AND THEN," you're not going to get one. And that's the point.

I have "come out," as it were, as pro-vaccination. I believe that vaccinations are one of the greatest medical advancements and discoveries of the past several centuries. I have seen the data and charts and listened to the expert researchers. I have read articles by people who believe vaccinations are in some way harmful and do not find their arguments to be convincing. All four of my children are and will continue to be vaccinated according to the schedule recommended by the CDC and their pediatrician. The only vaccination I refuse is the hepatitis B shot at birth, because I have done my research and learned that the purpose of the newborn hep B vaccination is to prevent vertical transmission of hepatitis B from the mother. Since I know I do not have hepatitis B, I feel it is unnecessary to give this vaccination immediately upon being born. My concern is that so much happens in the first day or two postpartum that I want to do as little as possible to disrupt my new baby's simple needs to be near me and breastfeed, while still taking the recommended courses of action when medically appropriate. Thus, my children begin the hep B series at their two-month checkup, along with several other shots.

You only hear stories about people who have a story to tell. When their day is as completely ordinary as mine was, it's not interesting. And since most of the millions of children who receive vaccines each year have completely ordinary days afterward, we don't hear their stories. See, it's easy to use scare tactics to drum up public outrage and support for your cause. And when you've personally witnessed a child who had a bad reaction to a vaccination, it's completely understandable that you would be scared that something like that could happen to your own child. I get that.

The problem is, what I encounter again and again when I see anti-vaccination rhetoric is a complete misunderstanding of statistics and how they work.

For example, someone might say: "Measles was on the decline before the vaccine was introduced." But that is not a correct interpretation of the statistics. Measles deaths were on the decline, due to better sanitation and medical care, but measles cases were still quite frequent, and so were complications of measles. According to the CDC: "In the decade before 1963 when a vaccine became available, nearly all children got measles by the time they were 15 years of age. It is estimated 3 to 4 million people in the United States were infected each year. Also each year an estimated 400 to 500 people died, 48,000 were hospitalized, and 4,000 suffered encephalitis (swelling of the brain) from measles" [my emphasis]. However, "Widespread use of measles vaccine has led to a greater than 99% reduction in measles cases in the United States compared with the pre-vaccine era."

Another misuse or misunderstanding of statistical information I see frequently is the assertion that while measles has caused no (or less than a handful) of deaths in the past 15 years, the measles vaccine has caused over 100. This represents a clear misunderstanding of how statistics and risk-benefit assessments work. Consider the number of measles cases there were in 15 years, and divide the number of deaths by that relatively small number. Your result is the risk of dying from measles in this century. The number of measles cases in the United States in 2014 was almost 600, and so far in 2015 is close to 200. So let's say there were 800 measles cases in the last year and a half (in the United States - there are millions of cases of measles yearly in other parts of the world and tens of thousands die from it). As far as I can tell there have been no deaths from measles in that same period - in the United States - or perhaps one. A toddler did die of measles in Germany recently (also a First World country with good sanitation and health care). If we say one death out of 800 cases of measles, we get a risk of 1/800 = 0.00125 or about 0.1% (which was also the risk of death from measles before the vaccine was introduced). Indeed, according to studies, the general risk of dying from measles is about 0.1 to 0.2%, or 1 to 2 out of 1000. Now, the only reasonable comparison to make with this is the risk of death from the measles vaccine. To find out the risk of dying from a measles vaccine, we need to know how many measles vaccines were administered in 2014 and how many died from receiving that vaccine, and do the same math. That number is harder to come by, but we can estimate. There are close to 4 million babies born in the United States each year. About 98% of these babies will receive an MMR vaccine at age 12 - 15 months. 98% of 4 millon = 3,920,000 (3.9 million). I can't find data on how many deaths are attributed to the measles vaccine in a given year, but for the sake of argument, let's take the CDC's report that there were possibly 3 deaths from encephalitis that apparently was caused by the MMR vaccine. (If I'm reading this correctly, that's three deaths ever, not three deaths per year, so I may be considerably overestimating this number. But, for the sake of argument, let's use it anyway.) So if three infants die because of receiving the MMR vaccine, out of 3.9 million who received it, that's a risk of death of approximately 0.000001, or 0.0001%. That's much smaller than the risk of dying from measles itself. If people stop vaccinating because they believe that the vaccine is more dangerous than the disease, then we will begin seeing deaths in the hundreds again, once mass outbreaks start occurring with the regularity they did in the 1950s and 1960s.

Of course, measles deaths aren't the only concerns. There are plenty of other complications possible from measles, not the least of which is that your child will have to stay out of school for a week or two, as will all of your other children as they almost inevitably come down with measles as well. This is an economic risk more than a health risk, but it's worth considering!

Now, I understand that if your baby was one of those three that died of MMR-related encephalitis, it is no laughing matter, and knowing the stats is no comfort. But sometimes, even if we do a proper risk-benefit analysis, and we make the obviously safer choice, we might still fall into the unfortunate, tiny percentage. That's true in many areas of life.

Here's a good example of how that kind of thinking works: Let's talk about seat belts. You won't find many people who would say that you're safer if you don't wear a seat belt, right? I mean, really, almost everyone agrees that you should wear a seat belt when you're in the car and that seat belts save thousands of lives every year. Most states have laws requiring some or all of a car's occupants to wear a seat belt when the car is in motion. Very, very rarely, we hear of a case in which a person's life was saved by the fact that they were not wearing a seat belt. Perhaps the car hit a guard rail and then went into a river, and if the driver had been wearing their seat belt, they would have gone into the water, but because they were ejected from the car on the first impact, they didn't drown. Most reasonable people would agree that there is a minuscule chance of being saved by not wearing a seat belt, and this is not a reason to quit wearing your seat belt regularly. There are far, far, far more cases in which people are saved because they were properly restrained, or, tragically, they died because they were not wearing their seat belt.

If you knew that one-in-a-billion person who was saved by not wearing a seat belt, you might be inclined to think that seat belts aren't as safe as the "experts" say they are, that wearing a seat belt is actually dangerous because it can cause bruising, or that wearing your seat belt means you'll be trapped in the car after a bad crash. You might be inclined to think that because your friend survived by not wearing a seat belt, this might happen to other people, too, and you wouldn't want to be the one who keeps wearing a seat belt and put yourself in danger of dying in a similar situation to the one your friend survived.

That all sounds ludicrous, right? The same type of arguments are made with regard to vaccines. Yes, unfortunately, tragically, some children suffer adverse effects from vaccines. A very, very small percentage of babies and children have experienced severe side effects related to receiving a vaccine. (Note: Study after study has failed to identify any risk of autism from vaccines. But other vaccine injuries do occur and are noted by the CDC on their website as possible complications.) I don't take this lightly. Indeed, I think more research needs to be done to try to identify individuals who are at risk of complications so they can be protected.

A final thought on this for the day.

If my car is broken, I take it to a mechanic to fix it. I might do some quick research on the internet to find out what the likely problem is and how much I can expect to pay to fix it. I might even look to see if it's something I can try to fix myself. But it is often the case that I need someone who knows more about cars than I do to investigate the problem and fix it. Sure, I could spend weeks learning all there is to know about my Toyota, find a supplier for the parts I need, and have a go at it, but most likely I would not do as good a job as someone who is an expert in the field. I haven't seen hundreds of Toyotas with this problem. I haven't fixed it dozens of times. I don't know all the pitfalls and tricks and shortcuts that can make the task easier, more efficient, and safer. And I might end up doing more harm than good if there's actually something else going on.

People specialize in various fields and become experts in those fields. Most people cannot be experts in everything. When we need information or action regarding a field we are not as familiar with, we consult someone who lives and breathes that subject. If we don't like what they have to say, we find another expert and get another opinion from someone who also lives and breathes that subject. If I don't like the quote the first contractor gave me for replacing the floor in my kitchen, I'll call another one. I don't know how to lay flooring and I don't think I'd do a good job. If I don't like the landscape design the first gardener proposed for my front yard, I might call another gardener and get his thoughts. I don't know anything about gardening and design, or irrigation systems, or native plants, so I wouldn't trust myself to do a good job.

In a similar vein, I can do some reading on the internet about vaccines, how they work, risks and benefits, and so on, but I don't trust myself to be able to completely assimilate all of this information because I don't understand all of it. I haven't spent years studying biology, epidemiology, immunology, statistics, anatomy, physiology, and so on. The best I can do is some shallow research, learn what questions I'd like to ask, and then ask the people who have spent years studying those things, and who live and breathe this kind of work, to explain it to me as best they can. And when those experts recommend a course of action - and not just one of them, but something close to all of them - then it makes sense to me to follow that advice.

This is also my stance when it comes to other aspects of life. For example, overwhelming evidence from decades of research has concluded that breastmilk is the optimal nutrition for babies and that breastfeeding results in healthier babies and a healthier population. Thus, I advocate for breastfeeding, breastfeeding education, and breastfeeding support.

When there is more ambiguity in the research results, such as those that report on various types and effects of diet and exercise, then I read what I can and make a decision I feel comfortable with based on what we know so far. I may also consult people whose opinions I trust for what they recommend or understand about the subject.

I understand enough about statistics to look at the statistics I'm given even by people who are against vaccination and make an informed risk-benefit analysis. I am comfortable - very comfortable - with my decision to administer vaccines to my children and to have appropriate ones administered to me as well. And, from the standpoint of public health, I understand enough about how disease spreads to know that it's important for as many people as possible to receive those vaccinations.

But WHY Is There A Correlation Between TV and Obesity?

2015-04-29T15:28:00.000-07:00

I read an article the other day about a study that found (again) a correlation between TV watching and obesity in kindergartners and first graders. According to the article, the study found that these young children who watched more than two hours of TV a day had a much higher risk of being overweight or obese than children who watched less than one hour. But children who watched between one and two hours also had increased risk of obesity, even though the AAP suggests a maximum of two hours of TV per day for that age group. The takeaway here is, more than one hour of TV a day in 5 and 6-year-olds correlates to a greatly increased rate of obesity.

A simple response, then, is, "Kids shouldn't watch TV." But it isn't that simple.

Two things stick out for me.

1) This is a correlation, not a causation. They did not say that watching TV causes obesity. They even stressed that in the article. We see a correlation, but we don't know why. Why does watching more than an hour of TV seem to correlate to higher obesity rates? They also found that using a computer more than an hour a day did not have the same correlation to obesity, so it isn't the use of a screen, or the sitting and staring, that's a problem. It's the TV, specifically.

2) Didn't we already sort of know this? I mean, researchers have been studying TV watching for decades, and every so often they come out with another study that says, basically, "Kids are watching too much TV and it's making them fat." But they still don't know why. They used to think it was simply because TV was replacing physical activity, but that doesn't seem to be the case, exactly (see above).

Another article reported one older theory as to the reason TV watching correlates to obesity: It's the commercials. Kids are exposed to commercials that make them crave unhealthy food, and that contributes to weight gain. This is an interesting theory. To me, it makes sense, then, to study what kind of TV kids are watching, and how. With Netflix and other streaming services enjoying such high popularity these days, lots of kids are avoiding commercials. My kids rarely see commercials because they watch their shows on Netflix and Amazon Prime. So if there were a study that took two groups of kids, one that watches more than two hours of TV per day but exclusively on an internet streaming service, and one that watches more "traditional" network TV and are exposed to commercials, would we see a difference in obesity rates?

I'd like to offer a few other questions that should be asked.

- Are the kids who are sitting and watching TV more likely to be snacking while they watch?

If so, what are they snacking on? Perhaps kids using computers and iPads are not eating, because their parents don't want sticky fingers on the electronics. In this case, there should be a difference between TV-watching and other screen use, but there should not be a difference in Netflix versus network TV.

- Why are these kids watching so much TV?

Maybe the TV-watching and the weight concerns share the same underlying cause, rather than the TV directly causing the obesity. The L.A. Times article linked above said that the researchers controlled for variables such as socioeconomic status and demographics (which were the first variables my own mind jumped to for a possible explanation), but I'd posit that, for example, kids at home in the afternoon watching TV and snacking can cross demographic and socioeconomic lines, so there may be more that can be investigated here. My kids usually get up in the morning and watch some TV while my husband and I get ready. After school, I'm often working or getting dinner together and whatnot, so my kids, again, are watching TV while I do that. I'm lucky enough to live in a neighborhood where I can send my older two outside on their bikes to play most of the time, but there are plenty of kids in all demographics who don't have that luxury. Learning more about the environment these children spend so much of their time in would be helpful.

- What's the difference between using computers and playing video games and watching TV?

Why is computer use not correlated with obesity but TV is? Is it because the child's brain is more actively engaged when playing a video game than when he's sitting passively and watching TV? What is the fundamental difference, here? I watch my 6-year-old play video games and he's jumping up and down and shouting and generally enjoying a full-body experience while he plays. That same 6-year-old will then sprawl on the couch like a lump while watching Ninjago or My Little Pony. There's a clear difference in physical engagement with the media. I feel strongly that this issue requires more study.

My kids watch a lot of TV, so this data concerns me. My kids also play video games and use the computer, so it's not just hours of TV every day, but they do watch a lot of straight-up TV. I know why and how they've ended up watching so much TV, and the ball is squarely in my court to make the change, if a change is needed. Now, while my oldest admittedly is struggling with his weight, my other three are of average weight for their height and age, and I don't think the reason for my oldest's being overweight is that he watches TV. Frankly, my younger three have watched more TV at a younger age than he did. Now, an anecdote is not data, and my family by itself is not statistically significant, but the results of these studies may still affect my parenting. As a parent who likes data and science and evidence-based philosophies, I really want to know more about this phenomenon so that I can make an informed decision about my children's screen use. If I am given a compelling reason as to why there is this correlation between weight and hours of TV, then I can decide if I need to cut way back on the screen use or if there are other factors I can control that will mitigate the effect of the TV itself.

I watched a lot of TV as a child. Even in the 1980s, researchers and doctors were becoming concerned with the strong association between hours in the front of the TV and weight. I was far from an overweight child despite my television watching habits. But there are many more options out there now than when I was a kid, and there are other screen-time possibilities besides simply switching on the tube and watching what's on. There are other ways to watch TV, such as on a tablet, computer, or phone. There are premium and subscription services. There are tablet games and phone games and PlayStations and XBoxes. "Screen time" doesn't just mean TV time anymore, and it's very important to sort out what's the most harmful and why and to figure out what, if anything, can be done to help improve the situation.

Sure, it's easy to say, "Watch less TV." But sometimes that's not as easy as it sounds.

Maybe It's Depression?

2015-04-17T14:08:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when I feel vaguely under the weather, I don't really connect all the random "not-quite-right" feelings into one, "Oh, I'm sick!" revelation right away. "Why am I so tired?" I wonder. "I feel thirstier than usual. What's with that?" "I'm kind of cold." And then someone mentions a virus going around, or another member of my family comes down with something, and it'll click. "I must have a cold!" And then the next day or a few days down the line, the stuffy nose, sneezing, cough, and other hallmarks of the cold will begin, as if by realizing I might have contracted a virus, giving it a name, brings it to life.

But it's only once I've decided, "Yep, I'm sick" and allow the symptoms to crash over me, to rest and up my fluids and behave accordingly, that I can then continue on to recover from that minor illness.

A similar experience happened this week, but it's not a cold I realized I have.

It's depression.

And it took about two months for me to link all my various, vaguely unpleasant symptoms, put them all into a box, and label that box "Depression," but once I did, it made total sense.

I've been seeing a therapist for several months now. I wasn't sure what I needed when I first made the phone call and set up the first appointment, but I knew I needed "something." Someone to talk to, someone to help me make sense of what was going through my mind. I wanted to be a better parent. I wanted to understand myself better. And she has helped me with a lot of those questions.

Then why, I wondered, after starting to feel so much better about life and myself and my parenting, why is it so hard for me lately to just be that person?

Why am I so tired? I mean, sure, the baby doesn't sleep extremely well, but it isn't worse than it's ever been, and it's gotten marginally better, and yet I feel so tired all the time.

Why am I eating all the time? I can't get enough sugar. All I want is pasta and bread and snacks and treats, six times a day.

Why can't I just focus on one task and get my work done? I'll sit down to do 20 minutes of work, and three hours later I'm still working on it. Sure, Facebook is engrossing, and Candy Crush is fun, and, yes, the kids keep distracting me and pulling me away. But even with all of that, why does it take all day to do one simple task?

Why am I so irritable? Every little thing any of my kids does just sets me off on an epic rant. I'm cursing more (I try to hold back the worst of it when I'm around my kids, but I've been letting quite a few more of those words slip through than usual). I yell at the drop of a hat. I don't like it.

Why do simple tasks seem so monumental? I have to do laundry. Ugh. Getting it out of the dryer is so annoying. I'll do it tomorrow. Cooking dinner? Forget it. I'll just make pasta. I have to put a check in an envelope and walk all the way to the end of the driveway to mail it? I'll take it out later.

Why is it suddenly so hard for me to run, when I've been running for six months now? I felt so sluggish, slow, like I had no stamina. I turned to hiking up the hill behind my house and staring out at the ocean instead of doing my interval training and working up to a 5K like I had planned.

Why do I feel so detached? Nothing is interesting enough to bother with. Yeah, I have an idea for a story or novel, but it's too much trouble to actually sit down and write anything. I'd like to read that book, but it's so long and big and heavy. I guess we could go to the park, but it sure seems like a lot of effort to get everyone into the car and all. Go to the beach? Nah.

The thing is, I'm functional. I do eventually get work done. I get the dishes washed and the laundry folded and put away. I go out and run/walk three times a week. I make lunch and dinner for the kids and do the shopping. I pick them up from school and get them to Hebrew school on time. I pay the bills and have been keeping up with the budget. I even took on a little extra work and am getting that done, too, albeit more slowly than I'd like.

That's where depression is so sneaky. It takes up residence in the back of your head and plays with your mind, manipulating your emotions and your memory so you don't connect the dots. There's no stuffy nose or vomiting or localized pain to signal exactly what's going on. There's no telltale rash or high fever to broadcast to you and everyone around you that you're sick.

But you are sick.

Depression is an illness. It's a physical problem just like appendicitis or diabetes. And just like those more obvious diseases, in most cases it is treatable. For some people, psychotherapy alone is enough to help them out of the fog of depression and on the way to normal function. For others, medication helps the brain manage hormones appropriately and regain the chemical balance that lets them recover.

I had my suspicions about two weeks ago, that maybe all of this discomfort was related. When my therapist suggested getting a psychiatric evaluation and discuss medications with a psychiatrist, suddenly I was able to throw all those symptoms into a box and put on that label. And even just doing that has helped me feel better. Just putting a name to it, understanding that this isn't the real me. This is an illness. This is the disease talking. I can manage a disease. I can understand it. And I can control myself better knowing that there isn't something horribly wrong with me as a person, but maybe I need a little help finding myself under this pile of symptoms.

It's so, so important to be able to recognize the signs and symptoms of depression. Depression can be mild, but it can still rule your life in a way you're not aware of. When depression is severe, immediate help is vital, but a mild depression can drag on for months without any obvious manifestations except maybe a little irritability, a little sluggishness, a little, "Huh, I'm feeling kind of...not quite me," and you don't have to let yourself feel that way.

It's only once you identify the symptoms, attach the label, and put it all together that you can begin to find your way out. You may not even realize how poorly you were feeling until you start to feel better.

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Please note that many common antidepressant and anti-anxiety medications are compatible with breastfeeding. Talk with your prescribing physician about options that will work for your situation.

Finding the "Yes" on Passover

2015-04-08T14:34:00.002-07:00

This week is Passover. It started with the first seder last Friday evening and ends this Saturday after sundown. In the meantime, we, as Jews, are prohibited from eating any kind of leavened bread, along with other restrictions, which is both more complicated and simpler than it sounds.

It does mean a huge disruption to our routine, a change in the way we handle and plan meals, and me saying "no" to many requests for various snacks and favorite dinners.

My kids' spring break from school happens to coincide exactly with Passover this year, which is quite rare. There is often some overlap, but to have the entire holiday off from school is a luxury. Removing the need to pack school lunches from the already complicated week surely helps.

My husband and I want our kids to form happy memories associated with Passover. Rather than dreading it every year because they can't have pasta, rice, sandwiches, peanut butter, and pancakes, we want them to look forward to macaroons, special desserts, the excitement of the seder meals, and other treats.

But the reality is that kids are far more likely to remember the nos than the yeses. They won't remember that we gave them dessert every night and sometimes after lunch, too. They won't remember that we handed out macaroons randomly throughout the day and had bottles of Dr. Brown's Cream Soda on the table at dinner.

What they'll remember is that they couldn't have chips. They couldn't go out to eat. They couldn't have their hot dog in a bun or their meatballs over spaghetti. There's no pizza, no mac and cheese, and we're trying to make them eat way more vegetables than we normally do (because there's nothing else to eat!). And the only vegetables they're guaranteed to eat, peas and corn, are prohibited on Passover.

It's only a week (well, eight days, really). As adults, we know how short a week really is. We're adaptable. We understand the "why" and the "how." We can get creative. We know how hard we're working to provide a fun and interesting time for the kids, to provide good food and meet their needs. But to them, it feels like all we're doing is saying no.

For the first few days, we thought we could manage on just meat, potatoes, and eggs, but it quickly became clear to me that the kids needed something else. They needed some kind of snacky, non-healthy treat. I took them to a supermarket with a decent-sized kosher-for-Passover selection (45 minutes from our house), and we picked out some treats and easy lunch items to ease the "no" aspect. We had chicken franks for lunch today, to their delight. I also found fish sticks that are potato-crusted instead of breaded, which will be great for lunch tomorrow. We got kosher-for-Passover pasta, which is made from tapioca and potato starch and was surprisingly pasta-like in both taste and texture. I bought turkey lunch meat and some packaged snack items. I came home with much happier kids.

Parenting is always a delicate balance of meeting needs, acknowledging wants, and trying to explain that sometimes things are just the way they are. It's looking for opportunities to say Yes when it feels like all you do is say No. It's teaching and learning, giving and taking. None of this is more clear than on Passover.

Reflections on Being a Work-At-Home Mom

2015-03-10T08:00:00.000-07:00

When I we first made the decision that I would work from home while our kids are young, I had all sorts of fantasies about how I would spend my time.

If I was at home, that meant I could chaperon field trips for school, volunteer in the kids' classrooms, attend daytime events and conferences at school, do activities with the kids like going to the zoo or crafts or gardening or baking, stay on top of household chores and cooking, run errands during the day, be available for homework help and supervision, not have to worry about finding childcare during school breaks and sick days, and save money on babysitting and childcare.

Now that I've been in the work-at-home (WAH) game for eight years (!!), I have mixed feelings about it.

Some of my hopes and dreams for this arrangement have certainly proven true. We have needed far less day care and general child care than we would have if I worked full time. However, I have found that I've needed to make use of babysitters and preschool some of the time, both for my kids' sake and my own. It's hard to get work done with kids in the house, especially when they're toddlers! I tell anyone considering going the WAH route: you WILL need some childcare, so work that into your budget!

Now that I have two elementary school-aged kids, all my plans to help out in the classroom and attend field trips are totally out the window. I discovered that I simply don't want to do those things, even though I theoretically could. Having two little ones still at home with me is part of the problem, because I can't really have them in the classroom with me, but even if I could obtain care for them, or even if they're welcome at a particular event, I tend to avoid volunteering. I also do need some hours at home to get my work done.

I have in the past made an effort to go out with the kids to the park, or take them out for lunch, or set up playdates with their friends on occasion, especially during school breaks. But, I find that I am very set in the routine of working at home. I like to work during the daytime hours as much as possible so I don't have to stay up late working after they're in bed, so I avoid multi-hour outings at mid-day, which is my most productive work time.

I don't like doing crafts. I do like to cook and bake, and I have started including my older two in those endeavors. Baking, especially, offers great lessons on measuring and math, and they seem to enjoy the process. Cooking is a very valuable skill, and they may as well start learning it now!

I do like to run errands during the weekdays. Stores tend to be less crowded, and if it gets done mid-day on Wednesday, then we have weekends free for other things. I do laundry during the day, too, which is super convenient.

Most importantly, though, I am home. If my son gets sick at school and needs me to come get him, I can. If there's a half-day, or conferences, or an early dismissal at school, I'm here and can easily go pick them up. I don't have to scramble for childcare if there's a blip in the schedule, like week-long conferences or the odd day off. I pick them up from school every day and can supervise homework. I can do doctor's appointments during the day or immediately after school, leaving early morning and evening appointments open for parents who have longer work days. I can and do attend their class plays and book fairs and other events.

The biggest downside to being a work-at-home, as opposed to stay-at-home, parent is that my kids don't really get the attention they would get from me if I were not working. Similarly being a work-at-home, as opposed to work-out-of-the-home, parent means my kids are hanging around the house doing nothing instead of being engaged at daycare! It's a bit of a stuck-in-the-middle feeling.

When you work at home, naptime is precious!

If I take time away from my desk to be with the kids, I feel guilty that I'm neglecting my work. I feel pulled toward my computer so I can get more done, bill more hours, earn that paycheck. But if I am sitting at my desk working, I feel guilty that my kids are in another room trying to entertain themselves. I am impatient with them when they interrupt me for needs and wants, and I don't like having to ignore them for stretches at a time so I can finish up my work. It's very difficult to find a balance.

I love my job and the flexibility it offers so that I can be home. But I know that the fantasy I had, of being available to my kids, just isn't the reality I'm living. I'm in a funny in-between place, and it's hard to define my role.

Being at home means I get to see moments like this, when the toddler found a hat and just had to wear it!

I do tend to believe, though, is that my kids will remember that I was there. They'll remember being picked up by (or coming home to) Mommy every afternoon. They'll remember being cared for by me. They'll know I was doing my best to give them what they need while meeting my own needs and the needs of the family as a whole. I do sometimes wish I had a regular office job and they were all in school or daycare all day. I do sometimes wish I didn't have to work at all and I could be a full-time stay-at-home mom. But I think either way I would be in some way less happy than I am now, in this funny in-between place.

What Can I Do If I See Car Seat Misuse?

2015-03-03T11:52:00.001-08:00

I'm nosy about car seats. I like to know what seats people have. I like to watch them buckle their kids, or unbuckle them, or watch the kids buckle themselves. I like to offer help when a friend is purchasing or installing a new seat.

But when I see misuse out on the street, or in a parking lot at a store, or at school, I'm at a loss. I know those kids aren't as safe as they could be, but they're not MY kids. They're not even my friends' kids, where I might be able to make a gentle suggestion in passing. I am not confrontational by nature, and I am sure that the words of a complete stranger in the Safeway parking lot would not convince someone to change their habits anyway.

There are venues where education and knowledge are possible, however.

Social Media

Share articles, videos, and images about proper car seat use and encourage friends to share them as well. If you do spot misuse in a friend's picture, send a friendly private message (no shaming, no public retribution).

Here's an idea for a gentle message you might send: "Hey, your baby is getting so big and is sooooo cute. I love the little hat he's wearing in the picture you posted! I have that exact car seat, and I had trouble figuring out how the straps should go. I went to a professional car seat installer and got the scoop. I'm not sure if you realize that the straps are supposed to be BELOW the baby's shoulders! My baby kept squirming and getting his arms out until I adjusted the straps. Also, if you tighten the straps until you can't pinch them, then it'll hold him in the seat better. They showed me that if you put the chest clip right up at his armpits, then the straps stay on his shoulders. I can't wait to see more pics of your sweet little one! Let me know if you have any other questions!"

This is likely to be fairly inoffensive, and if you "blame" your observations and information on a professional, then it's not you criticizing, it's you sharing information that you didn't have and that you found useful (even if that isn't precisely true). You may also want to include a link to a neutral third party's article or video (The Car Seat Lady is a great resource, or, of course, this very blog!). Again, the advice isn't coming from you! Just like you might say, "My doctor told us...", saying that a car seat expert told you something will probably have more power and feel less judgmental than if you jump in and say, "Hey, you're doing it wrong!"

Day Cares and Schools

My mom is a preschool teacher and often helps kids in and out of cars in the carpool line. She sees rampant misuse and isn't afraid to speak to parents about how they might improve their car seat use. As a fellow parent, you may not have that ability, but here are some ideas for ways to address misuse among other parents at your kids' schools.

Speak with the Teacher

In some schools, the teachers may not have any authority or may not be permitted to speak to parents about car seat safety. The school may not want to take on the liability for poor advice or risk angering parents with unsolicited information. However, it may be possible to share with the teacher an article or video or website that she or he can distribute to the other parents in your child's class universally, as a interesting bit of information or an issue of safety right alongside fire prevention, first aid, and stranger danger. This way, no parent is singled out, and all parents get good information. You can't control whether the parents read the articles and watch the videos, and you can't control whether they take any of it to heart and make changes, but at least you know you took some action.

Speak with the Administration

Taking things one step further up the line, you can speak to the school administration about school-wide car seat safety. If the administration is open to the idea, you might suggest having the school host a "Car Safety Day" where parents can have a CPST check their seats in the school parking lot. After all, schools often have police offers and fire fighters come to do presentations about safety. Isn't car safety equally important? (After all, car accidents are one of the leading causes of death and injury to young children!)

You may also be able to suggest that the administration to issue a newsletter or memo or include an article about car seat safety in their regular bulletin.

Direct Confrontation

If you have any rapport with the fellow parent you're concerned about, you may be able to confront them directly. As in the social media example above, though, try to be kind, nonjudgmental, and helpful. "Hey, can I show you something about your car seat?" will obviously go over much better than, "Your kid is buckled wrong." Whether you choose the direct confrontation method is dependent on your own personality, the relationship you have with the other parent, and the type of person that parent is. You may be pleasantly surprised to find that he or she is open to your information, or you may find that they shut down. If you truly don't trust this person's car seat safety commitment, then, at the least, don't let your child ride in their car.

Out in Public

I unfortunately see a lot of misuse in stores and parking lots where the fellow parent is a total stranger. I have never personally approached anyone to comment on their car seat use, but there have been times where I've been tempted. If you can establish some kind of friendly contact with the person before mentioning their car seat, your information is likely to go over better. If you feel obligated to convey the information regardless, be aware that the other parent may ignore you, become angry, or argue back.

I had an experience a few years ago with a woman when I stopped into the bank to make a deposit. This experience - as the one being "advised," not the one doling out tips - gave me a lot of insight into how it feels to be approached by a stranger out of the blue.

If I were the one making a safety mistake - willingly or not - how would I want to be approached? Probably in a similar way to methods I've listed above. I'd want the person to be friendly, "on my side," and nonjudgmental. I'd want to feel that that person genuinely had my kids' safety at heart and not merely a need to feel like a superior parent. I'd want a chance to respond, ask questions, and make my case. And I'd want to leave the encounter smiling, not fuming.

Start off with a simple greeting. A smile and a friendly "hello" are always a better opener than, "You shouldn't." Use "I" statements: "I noticed..." "I was concerned..." Most importantly, don't accuse or judge! Parenting is not a competition. You are not a better parent because you know something about car seats that someone else doesn't.

I think it's important to understand that a random encounter with a stranger is probably not going to change anyone's mind. But if you give them the information and they have it confirmed by other sources, at least you planted the seed.

Do you have suggestions for addressing car seat misuse in various venues? Have you successfully approached or been approached by someone about a safety issue? In what context? Please share your experiences and your tips here in the comments or on the Facebook page!

Vaccines Keep Our Kids Safe

2015-02-19T09:04:00.002-08:00

The measles outbreak traced to Disneyland this winter has created a great resurgence in the "vaccinate or do not vaccinate" debates that surface relatively often in parenting discussions. The media has been covering different angles, from encouraging everyone to get their shots to heart-rending stories of children purportedly injured by a vaccine. It's a hot topic.

I did an Ask-Me Monday video on vaccines a couple of months ago, coincidentally just before the Disneyland outbreak. (See it here.) Predictably, people who are against vaccines sought out my video so that they could pick a fight. I chose to engage calmly, state my opinions, and be done with it. I know that throwing facts at people doesn't change their minds. Indeed, there have been studies on this very topic, and the more you argue, the more people dig in their heels.

The vibe I get from parents who are genuinely concerned and thoughtfully considering whether they should consent to having their children vaccinated - as opposed to being solidly in the "anti-vaxxer" camp - is that they are trying to keep their children safe. They hear stories of children who suffered brain damage, organ damage, or death from a rare reaction or complication of receiving a vaccine. They don't want to take the risk for their own children. The word "autism" gets tossed around. We see link after link to blog posts and opinion pieces about how we're all being duped by the pharmaceutical companies, how there's a great conspiracy in the FDA and the CDC to force all of us to be injected with poison, and how a child was perfectly healthy and typical before they got the DTaP or the MMR shot, and afterward showed signs of brain damage or a blood disorder or had uncontrollable seizures.

Well, obviously we don't want to become involved with or duped by government conspiracies! And don't you know that there's formaldehyde in those shots?!

What no one bothers to say when making these arguments is that there's another side. There's the parents whose newborn babies were exposed to measles or whooping cough because of an unvaccinated child in their community. There are the children who contract these diseases and become severely ill and spend weeks or months in the hospital. There are the babies who die a slow, horrible death wracked by rib-cracking coughs until they turn blue from lack of oxygen and suffocate in their own mucus. There are the children left paralyzed by polio or suffer encephalitis from measles. There are the women who lose pregnancies because of rubella infection.

Underneath all the sob stories and "what if's" are parents who are just trying to figure out what is best for their own children. How do we protect our kids and our families? What should we be afraid of? What are the real risks?

I'm going to take this discussion outside of vaccines to look at a bigger picture. There is risk in everything we do every day. Indeed, one of the riskiest things we do every day with ourselves and our children is drive our cars. Did you know that car accidents are one of the leading causes of death and injury for children? Car accidents. But I bet most of you put your kids in the car almost daily. I know I do. School and daycare drop-offs and pickups, shopping, errands, visiting friends, grabbing a bite to eat, playdates, road trips, vacations, all sorts of reasons to get in the car.

And do you, each and every time you get in the car, double check that your kids are in appropriate child restraints, installed and buckled correctly? Do you take your car in for regular maintenance? Are your brakes and tires in good repair? Do you have a hands-free device for your cell phone, or do you put your cell phone away while you drive so as to avoid distractions? Do you glance in your mirrors and check your blind spot every time you change lanes?

So, what if we decide the risk of driving is too high and we stay home? There's a risk of earthquakes or windstorms. In the winter, ice could bring a tree branch down on your house. If you live in tornado country, you could end up trapped under the rubble of your home. If you live in the hurricane zone, another Katrina could turn your life upside down. You could forget about the pot of soup on the stove and set your house on fire. You could slip in the bathroom and hit your head on the toilet and knock yourself out.

Things can happen anywhere. And we can't live our lives in fear. It's impossible to account for every possible scenario. It's impossible to be completely, 100% safe, all the time.

So, we do the best we can with the information we have. We weigh the risks and benefits as we understand them. And if doing something has risk and not doing something also has risk, it is very hard to choose. But if the goal is to keep our kids as safe as possible, it's important to do what we can to minimize risk in all situations. Like buckling them correctly in a properly installed, appropriate car seat when on the road, and having them wear a helmet when they ride a bike, and putting a fence around the pool.

When it comes to medical procedures, and vaccines specifically, certainly, it is much easier not to do something. The passive route feels less risky. If I don't give my baby this injection, then it can't hurt him!

It's important, then to consider the other half of the equation. If you don't give your child this injection and he contracts measles, say, through contact with a tourist at Disneyland, then measles can hurt him. And not just him. Measles can affect him, and his siblings, and his cousins, and his friends, and his friends' families, and their friends, and at some point, someone will die. Maybe it won't be your kid. Maybe your kid will miss two weeks of school and recover and that's the end of it, and you'll be relieved that everything is fine. But maybe some other baby down the line of contagion isn't so lucky.

And if you do give your child that injection, and you go to Disneyland and come in contact with a tourist who is carrying measles, and your child doesn't get measles, well, then clearly you made the right choice in getting that shot!

It's not simple. And yet, it is. Because if we look at the research, at the documented risks, at the statistics, it becomes clear that the risk of contracting a disease, and the risks of complications from that disease, are higher than the risks associated with the vaccine. If we look past the sob stories and the fear-mongering and the impassioned pleas, if we look at the cold, hard facts, at the science, it's purely, radically simple.

Vaccinations work.

Protect your children and all of the people your children come in contact with every day.

Get vaccinated.

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Statistics:

Complications of measles:
http://www.cdc.gov/vaccines/pubs/pinkbook/meas.html#complications
Note: 30% of measles cases experience some complication, such as diarrhea, ear infection, or pneumonia. Pneumonia is the leading cause of death from complications of measles. The risk of death from measles is 0.2%, or 2 in 1000.

Adverse reactions to MMR Vaccine:
http://www.cdc.gov/vaccines/pubs/pinkbook/meas.html#adverse
Note: 5 to 15% of susceptible persons may develop a high fever but be otherwise asymptomatic. As for serious complications, 1 in 30,000 may develop thrombocytopenia (a blood disorder in which blood does not clot), but the risk of thrombocytopenia due to measles infection is much higher than the risk of thrombocytopenia due to the measles vaccine. Other risks are so rare as to almost be incalculable.

Yes, it is possible to have an adverse reaction to a vaccine. It's important to acknowledge that. But it is far, far more likely to have complications from the disease itself.

Childbirth Choices Series Part VI: Labor and Delivery

2015-02-05T08:00:00.000-08:00

This is the sixth and final article in my Childbirth Choices Series, geared toward newly pregnant or planning-to-be pregnant couples with the goal of educating women and their partners about the many options they have when it comes to their prenatal and maternity care, including choosing a care provider, choosing where and how to give birth, and information about labor, delivery, and the immediate postpartum time. This is not meant to replace or substitute for a childbirth education class. Rather, it is intended to get women thinking about their options and making informed choices when it comes to their care throughout pregnancy and labor and delivery.

Previous articles in this series:
Part I: I've Just Found out I'm Pregnant; Now What?
Part II: Meeting Your Care Provider
Part III: Do I Need a Doula?
Part IV: What Will Happen at My Prenatal Appointments?
Part V: It's Almost Time to Have a Baby!

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Welcome to the sixth and final installment of the "Childbirth Choices Series"! You've made it! Your pregnancy is nearing the end; you're finally going to meet your baby after nine long months. But first there's that pesky labor and delivery thing to get through. While your care throughout your pregnancy can and will affect your health and your baby's health, it's the birth experience itself that is likely to leave the most lasting impression on your and your child, both physically and emotionally. The experience of birth is profound for most women, no matter how your baby is born, and being informed and educated about the process and your options in advance will help you achieve the healthiest possible outcome, whatever that looks like to you.

This article is admittedly quite long. There's a lot of important stuff to know about labor and birth. Feel free to scroll down to find sections of interest to you, or simply read straight through to get the whole story at once.

What is a Birth Plan? Do I Need One?

Your care provider may ask you if you have a birth plan, or you may come across the term in your own reading and research. A birth plan is simply a written record of the way you hope your birth will play out and your preferences when certain decisions have to be made. It can be as simple as, "Get the baby out" to as complicated as a several-page document outlining every possible scenario and what your choices are in any given situation. You don't have to write a birth plan at all. It is not a legal or binding document. But it can be helpful to write down your desires in advance, or at least think them through, so that you have an idea of what you want before you're in the immediate excitement of labor itself. It can also be helpful to clearly express your preferences to your care provider in advance to make sure he or she is going to be supportive of your desires. See my article on birth plans for more information and an idea of what you might want to include in yours. You can also search the internet for fill-in-the-blank birth plans that may help you consider options you may not have thought about. Be aware that sometimes crazy things happen or things go way askew and you may have to toss the birth plan for the health of mother and/or baby, but knowing your options and rights is still better than going in blind.

Find out Your Baby's Position

A subject that is not discussed enough in preparation for birth is your baby's position in the womb. Most people know that it's best if the baby is head down for delivery. If a baby is not head down, that is called "breech" presentation. There are several possible breech positions. In some of these positions, such as transverse breech, where the baby is horizontal across your body, it is not possible to safely deliver vaginally and your provider will schedule a c-section to deliver your baby. In others, most notably "frank breech," which is when the baby's bottom is pointed toward the cervix, with the legs folded up, it may be possible to deliver vaginally if your provider is trained in the process. If your baby is breech as your estimated due date approaches, discuss your delivery options with your CP!

While most people know that the baby should be head-down at delivery, there are other positioning issues that I want to bring up. The best scenario is if your baby is head down with his or her face toward your back, with the chin tucked down toward the chest. This is called "occiput anterior (OA)" (the back of the head toward the front of the mother). The occiput is the narrowest part of the head, and it is easiest to push a baby out if that part of the head comes first! This is not to say that it is impossible to deliver vaginally if your baby is "occiput posterior (OP)" (the back of the head toward the back of the mother), but it will be more difficult. If your baby is OP, labor may stall, last longer, or not progress at all, and even if you get all the way to the pushing stage, it may be more difficult for the baby to get through the birth canal and you may experience more tearing of the perineum or vaginal canal. You may also experience back labor, which is when contractions are felt in the lower back. This is typically more painful and difficult to manage than more standard contractions, which are felt in the lower part of the abdomen. Plenty of babies are born posterior with no major complications, but for the smoothest possible birth, occiput anterior is ideal.

While your care provider will certainly discuss with you whether your baby is head-down, he or she may not mention or even know whether the baby is posterior or anterior. Some providers can tell by touch, while others can take a peek with an ultrasound machine. If you are concerned, you can try to figure it out for yourself! Check out the website www.spinningbabies.com for more information about positioning and exercises you can do before and during labor to help your baby settle into an optimal position for delivery.

Being mobile toward the end of your pregnancy and during labor is very beneficial for promoting healthy positioning and a smooth delivery.

How Do I Know if I'm in Labor?

This is the big question, of course! Most women do end up in spontaneous labor, meaning your body starts labor without help from medications or interventions. The experience of labor will vary from woman to woman and even pregnancy to pregnancy, but it does follow a basic pattern for most people.

In about 15% of pregnancies, the bag of waters will break before any labor contractions begin. Despite what you see in many sitcoms, however, most women do begin having contractions before their water breaks. If your water breaks and contractions do not start within 12 to 24 hours, call your care provider to find out what you should do. If your water has broken, do not put anything in your vagina or take a bath or do anything else that may introduce bacteria into the vaginal canal, as this puts you and your baby at risk of infection.

Some other signs that labor may begin soon:

The loss of your mucus plug: Over the course of the final weeks of your pregnancy, you may notice gobs of mucus when you use the toilet. The mucus plug has closed up the cervix during your pregnancy to prevent foreign substances and infectious agents from entering the uterus. This has to fall out before your baby can be born.
The "bloody show": You may see mucus streaked with blood in your underwear or in the toilet. This usually indicates that labor will begin within the next few hours or days.
Your baby "dropping": You may notice that your baby is sitting much lower in your abdomen than in the previous weeks. For some women, this happens several weeks before labor, but others may experience this in the hours leading up to labor. This also depends on whether it is your first pregnancy. Babies tend to drop earlier in a first pregnancy than in subsequent ones.
"Nesting": You may feel a burst of energy and the sudden desire to clean, bake, or organize. You may feel agitated and the need to take care of things, especially things related to the baby, such as washing all the baby's clothes or rearranging the nursery.
Loose bowels: Often your body starts getting ready for labor by emptying your bowels, and you may experience diarrhea-like symptoms or very loose bowels and intestinal cramping.

But labor hasn't really begun until you're having contractions! You have probably already been experiencing strong but typically not painful contractions called Braxton-Hicks contractions. Labor contractions are stronger and more painful than Braxton-Hicks contractions and are more regular. Early labor contractions may feel like very strong period cramps. Many women in the last stages of pregnancy report that they feel much like they do in the days leading up to their period starting. These contractions differ from Braxton-Hicks in that they will not stop with activity, rest, or fluids. Your provider will probably tell you to call when your contractions are lasting about one minute (timed from when it starts to when it is over) and occur about every five minutes (timed from the beginning of one to the beginning of the next). There are several apps you can download for your smartphone that can help you time and record your contractions, if you're nervous about keeping track of it yourself. If you begin to experience regular contractions, try drinking two full glasses of water and taking a 15 to 30-minute walk and then lying down on your left side for a little while to rest. If the contractions continue or become more intense, you are likely in labor, and the walking and hydration will be great for helping labor along. If they subside, you may be experiencing what is called "prodromal" or "false" labor. If the contractions do die down or become less intense and frequent, take the opportunity to get some rest. Labor will come soon enough, and it's hard work!

In the early stages of labor, your contractions will be painful but probably manageable. That is, you will still be able to walk and talk through them. You may try taking a hot shower or a long walk to cope with the early contractions. Don't over-exert yourself, and stay hydrated. Eat if you're hungry. Many women lose their appetite or even feel nauseated as labor progresses. Move in ways that feel good, lie down or sit down in positions that feel more comfortable and relieve some of the pressure. If you have a yoga ball, bouncing on that can be soothing as well. Having someone massage your lower back can feel great. Try getting on your hands and knees or into the yoga position called Child's Pose. Squatting helps to open the pelvis and allows the baby to move downward toward the cervix.

What Does a Contraction Feel Like?

It's difficult to describe a contraction if you've never experienced one, but I'd hate to say, "You'll know it when you feel it" and leave it at that! Milder contractions may feel similar to period cramps or intestinal cramping. You may feel like you need to go to the bathroom urgently, but when you go to the toilet, nothing comes out. As contractions build in intensity, you will feel a tightening in your lower abdomen. Usually, the pain starts in the lower part of the abdomen, and then as the uterus tightens, radiates upward through your belly. It may feel like you are clenching your stomach muscles, but you can't make them unclench. If you place your hand on your abdomen, you should be able to feel your uterus contract and then release as the contraction passes.

At the height of a strong contraction, you may find it difficult to breathe, talk, or walk. It may help to moan or hum during the contraction to help keep yourself focused. Screaming or yelling is usually less effective, but if you feel the need to yell or scream, you have my permission to do so! You may also want to grip something - a popular choice is your partner's hand!

When Do I Call My Provider?

Your care provider will give you an information sheet with instructions on when and who to call if you think something is wrong or you suspect you are in labor. The typical recommendation is to call when your contractions are lasting for one minute and coming every five minutes for at least an hour. When your contractions are strong enough that you have to stop whatever you're doing and can't talk during one, it's probably time to call! However, some women's labors don't follow this exact pattern, so if you strongly feel you are in labor or have any questions, don't hesitate to call. Your CP will listen to your concerns and give you advice on what to do. If it's after hours, you may be instructed to call the hospital (if that's where you're delivering) labor and delivery unit directly to speak to the triage nurse there. She can also give you some tips on how to tell if you are in labor or whether you should come on in to the hospital. It's usually good to call ahead just in case, so they can prepare a room for you and assign you a nurse.

When Do I Go to the Hospital, and What Will Happen When I Get There?

This section assumes you are delivering at a hospital, which is true for about 99% of births in the United States.

The earlier in your labor you are when you arrive at the hospital, the higher the likelihood of interventions. For most first-time mothers, labor lasts many hours, and you don't have to go to the hospital as soon as labor starts. Some women do experience very quick labors (defined as under three hours), but it is unusual. Staying at home, in a comfortable and familiar place, can help you relax, manage early labor on your own, and allow you the freedom to move around, rest, eat and drink, shower, take a bath (as long as your bag of waters is intact), go shopping, or whatever seems like a good idea! If you have hired a doula, she can come to your house to be with you while you labor and can help you decide when it's a good time to go to the hospital.

If you are at all high risk and have been told to be at the hospital at the earliest signs of labor, then please heed that advice!

Some women are more comfortable being at the hospital. If that is the case for you, be aware that many hospitals won't admit you to L&D until you're clearly in active labor, usually at 3 to 4cm dilation.

When you arrive, they will have you undress and put on a hospital gown and will hook you up to two monitors - one that measures the baby's heartbeat and one that measures your uterine contractions. These are attached to elastic bands that are wrapped around your belly. With these, they can "watch" the baby to make sure he or she is tolerating labor and they can see how often and how strong your contractions are. A nurse will check your cervical dilation by inserting her gloved fingers into your vagina. If your labor is not far along, they may suggest that you go home and allow labor to progress for a while. If your contractions are strong and regular and your cervix is dilating, you will be admitted.

They will probably take one last urine specimen and do a blood test. They may ask to insert an IV, or at least a hep lock or saline lock, which would allow them to attach an IV bag at some point in the future without having to insert the tube during a crisis. If you are Group B Strep positive, they will use the IV to administer antibiotics. You can also receive fluids via IV to prevent dehydration. The IV can be used to give you Pitocin or narcotic medication. You are within your rights to refuse an IV if you feel it interferes with your birth plan, or you may find it reassuring to have an IV ready to go in case it is needed.

They'll also have you do some paperwork. You probably filled out some kind of preregistration for the hospital so they'll have some information about you on file already. You will probably have to fill out some more forms when you get there, including insurance information, emergency contacts, and admission notes such as your religious preferences, food service needs, and so on. They'll get your medical history and information about this and previous (if any) pregnancies. You will also be asked to sign certain consent forms for medical treatment, which may include consent to use medications in labor and consent to c-section if the provider deems it necessary. Read through what you're signing, or ask to have it explained to you. It is important that you understand what you are agreeing to!

The Stages of Labor

Labor is typically divided into three general stages.

Stage One is the process of your cervix dilating, which is what we generally call "labor." It begins with the first phase, which is the early hours of labor as your cervix begins to dilate, until you reach about 4cm. Next is active labor, where your cervical dilation will speed up, contractions will become more intense and possibly more frequent, and your cervix will dilate to about 8 or 9cm. This second phase can take many hours in a first-time labor. The third phase is when you reach full dilation and enter transition.

Transition is when you switch from laboring to open the cervix to laboring to actually get the baby out. Transition can involve symptoms such as shaking, nausea and vomiting, screaming and yelling and thrashing about, shouting obscenities or cursing at your partner or your birth team, sweating, and other somewhat disturbing reactions. These are all normal and will be familiar to a competent birth team, though they may be frightening to you! Transition usually happens quickly, and brings you to the second stage of labor.

Stage Two is actually pushing out the baby. You will feel a strong need to push, which may feel like having a large bowel movement. Your provider or nurse may want to do a cervical check to ensure that you are fully dilated before you begin to push so as to avoid the cervix swelling up and preventing the baby's exit. Some babies come down slowly as you push, while others slide right out. The length and difficulty of the pushing stage can be affected by your position as well. If you are mobile, pushing in a squatting position or on hands and knees may be more effective for you than lying reclined on the hospital bed with your legs up. Once the baby is out, you go into the final stage.

Stage Three is the process of shrinking the uterus down and expelling the placenta. This usually happens without too much additional effort on your part, although you may need to push slightly or allow some uterine massage. Once you have delivered the placenta, labor is over, and the postpartum period begins.

Let's talk a little bit about some of the decisions you'll need to make during labor.

Fetal Monitoring

You will most likely be asked to wear fetal monitors for most or all of the time that you are laboring in the hospital. In a home birth, your midwife will listen to the baby's heartbeat regularly but not continuously. In a hospital, the monitors strapped to your abdomen will feed information about the baby's heartbeat and your contractions directly to the nurse's station so that your nurse can see what's happening at all times, even when she is out of the room. A sudden deceleration of the baby's heartbeat (if the baby's heart rate suddenly slows down or stops) can indicate fetal distress and may mean there is an emergency situation. Typically this is caused by the umbilical cord becoming compressed or twisted. These decelerations can often be managed by changing your position to untwist or free the cord and by taking in extra oxygen through a mask to ensure the baby is getting enough as well.

"Continuous fetal monitoring" means that you wear the monitors the entire time you are in labor. Many hospitals and providers require this. If it is not required, you may want to request "intermittent monitoring", which means that you will wear the monitors for 20 minutes every hour to check on the baby but will otherwise be mobile. This will allow you to walk around, change positions, use the bathroom, or take a shower (if available). Continuous monitoring limits your movement. If you receive an epidural, you will be immobile anyway and will probably require continuous monitoring.

Sometimes your provider will ask to use internal fetal monitoring. This is uncommon and involves inserting a wire through the cervix and attaching a monitor directly to the baby's head. This is used when a reliable reading is not possible with an external monitor. Internal fetal monitoring carries many risks that rarely outweigh the benefits. Ask your provider why he or she is recommending this course of action and if it is necessary for your health or the safety of your baby.

Non-Medical Pain Relief

Learning some strategies for managing the pain of labor without medications is valuable. Even if you are certain that you will request medications at some point, delaying these medications is typically associated with healthier outcomes. I discussed some of these techniques above and will go into more detail here.

Breathing: It may sound silly, but controlled breathing during a contraction can help you tolerate the pain and then release the tension once the contraction is over. Blowing air out will force you to inhale deeply and ensure that you continue to breathe regularly, rather than holding your breath and increasing the stress you are putting on your body. Think about what you do when you stub your toe. You rub it and breathe rapidly and loudly to try to dispel some of the pain. In the same way, breathing - and concentrating on the breathing rather than the pain - can help you get through the contraction and prepare you for the next one. It's helpful to try to relax as much as possible between contractions.

Movement: Find a position or movement that makes the contraction as comfortable as possible. This may mean standing up and swaying, bouncing on a yoga ball, kneeling beside the bed, squatting, getting up on your hands and knees, getting into Child's Pose, lying on one side or the other, leaning against a wall, or some combination or variation. It's okay to sit up, lie down, stand up, kneel, dance, walk, squat, lean, hug your partner, or whatever feels good. You don't have to spend your entire labor lying flat on your back. Indeed, you shouldn't!

Warm Bath or Shower: Warm water can be soothing, and sitting in a warm bath or standing in a stream of warm water in the shower may help dull the sensation of pain and help you relax. You may use your bath or shower at home, and if you have the option to use one at the hospital or birthing center, you may be interested in taking advantage of it.

Massage and Counterpressure: Especially if you are experiencing back labor, having someone massage your back or even use tennis balls to provide counterpressure during a contraction can lessen the pain of the contraction. A massage between contractions can help you relax as well.

If you have a doula, she may have other tools at her disposal to assist you, such as essential oils, aromatherapy, massage techniques, and equipment that she specializes in using.

Medical Pain Relief

There are basically three types of medical pain relief you may be offered.

Gas: While common in other countries, few hospitals and care providers in the United States offer nitrous oxide (like what you might get at the dentist) to help you relax during labor. It is becoming slightly more common, however, and you may be interested to ask your provider if gas and air is available to you.

IV Narcotics: Your care provider may offer you narcotic pain relief via your IV. Ask which specific medications are in the narcotic mix they offer. There are pros and cons to using narcotic pain relief. It can be an effective short-term option to help manage contractions without getting an epidural. The effects of one dose last about 60 to 90 minutes, and the dose can then be repeated if desired. It may be a welcome break from the pain and you may feel dreamy, happy, high or sleepy while the medication is in effect. The risk of taking the narcotics is that the baby will receive some of the drug through the umbilical cord, and if you deliver the baby while the medications are still in your system, your baby may be sleepy or lethargic at birth, which is not desirable. If you would like to try the narcotic pain relief, it's best to get it early enough in labor that it will wear off before you deliver.

Epidural: The epidural is an extremely common method of eliminating the pain of labor. The majority of hospital births in the United States involve an epidural. It is very effective at blocking the pain while allowing the contractions to continue so that you can, in theory, painlessly (though not effortlessly) birth your baby. But the epidural is fraught with controversy, and rightfully so. I'm going to spend some time here discussing epidurals, because I believe it's important to make an informed choice, and many providers gloss over some of the risks.

First, what is an epidural? An epidural is an injection of medication into the space just inside the spinal column, outside the dura, which is a layer of tissue that surrounds the spinal fluid. An anesthesiologist will insert a needle between two of your vertebrae and into the epidural space. The needle will be attached to a tube which will be fed a short way into the epidural space, and then the needle will be pulled out. The tube will be supply anesthetic medication directly into the epidural space continuously for as long as you want pain relief (typically until labor is over). The medication works by blocking pain signals to the brain. You will probably still feel the pressure of the contractions, but they should not register as painful.

In order to administer the epidural, you will be asked to sit up on the edge of the bed and hunch your back in a C shape. This allows the anesthesiologist to feel for the space in which he or she needs to insert the needle. You will need to hold as still as possible during the procedure, which is difficult while having contractions, but an experienced anesthesiologist understands this and should be quick. Once the tube is in place, the anesthesiologist will tape it down so that you can lie back without worrying about dislodging the tubing. The medication will begin to flow and can take up to 15 minutes to take effect. You will need a urinary catheter because the epidural will make you unable to pee on your own. They will adjust the medication as necessary so that you feel no pain but can ideally still move your legs and feel the urge to push when the time comes.

There are documented direct risks of epidural, most of which are small or fairly easily managed. The most significant risk is that of a drop in maternal blood pressure. Your blood pressure will be monitored, and if it drops too low, you will be given fluids via IV to raise your blood pressure back to a safe level. If your blood pressure drops, blood flow to the placenta may be reduced, which would cause distress to the baby. It is important to monitor maternal blood pressure and fetal heartbeat to ensure that both mother and baby are safe.

A second small risk is that of epidural headache, which is quite rare and occurs if the dura is accidentally punctured during insertion of the epidural needle. The headache will usually clear within a week or two.

Tenderness or bruising at the insertion site may occur and will heal on its own.

My concerns with epidurals have more to do with the indirect or secondary risks. While research shows very low risk to mother or baby with epidural and does not show a correlation between epidural and c-section, there are secondary effects or consequences of epidural that you should be aware of.

I have stressed above that being mobile in labor can be very important for your comfort and to assist the baby in his or her descent through the birth canal. Once you have an epidural, you will be confined to your hospital bed, lying reclined on your back. For some women, this can slow or even stall labor. Additionally, you will have to push in this position, with your legs up in stirrups or held up by your or birth attendants' hands. This position is not ideal for pushing out a baby, because you are working against gravity and your pelvis cannot open as wide as in other positions. Depending on the size of your baby's head and the position of your baby, it may be more difficult or take longer to push out the baby. Indeed, epidural is associated with a lengthened pushing stage. You may risk increased tearing or require an episiotomy or other intervention such as forceps or vacuum extraction when delivering in this position, which I will discuss in more detail below. If the epidural is particularly strong, or you react strongly to the medication, you may find it difficult to push effectively, which will also lengthen the pushing stage.

A lengthened labor and poor position may lead to a suggestion of augmenting your labor with Pitocin to speed things up, which carries its own set of risks. I will discuss Pitocin in more detail below.

If the epidural causes your blood pressure to drop, which is fairly common, you will be given extra fluids via IV to bring your blood pressure back up. If your labor is long, you could receive upwards of 5000cc (that's five liters) of fluids. All this extra fluid has to go somewhere. Some of it will go to the baby, which may artificially inflate the birth weight. After birth, the baby will quickly shed this extra weight, leading to concerns about whether the baby is getting enough to eat. The rest of the fluids will go to your hands, feet, and breasts, which will cause swelling until you can pee out the excess fluids. This swelling of the breasts, especially, can make it difficult for your baby to latch and remove milk, delaying the increase in milk production that should occur by the third day postpartum and possibly having long-term effects on your milk supply. There are techniques to mitigate this problem, most notably "reverse pressure softening," which you should be aware of if you choose to have an epidural and require extra fluids.

Finally, while the epidural medication is not likely to affect the baby strongly, some babies born to mothers who chose an epidural do appear more lethargic, sleepy, or less responsive compared to babies born without medications. This sleepiness or lethargy may make it difficult to initiate breastfeeding and keep the baby awake to receive feedings during the first several hours or days of life. As the medications work their way out of the baby's system, your baby should perk up and be fine. I think it's important to be aware of the ways in which epidural can impact early breastfeeding, as many women do wish to breastfeed and are not informed of these potential difficulties or how to manage them.

While for some women, epidural does slow labor, possibly due to inactivity, immobility, or position, others find that they are unable to release the stress caused by the pain of the contractions, and once they receive an epidural and can relax, their labor progresses more steadily. If you feel exhausted, overwhelmed, or frightened, getting an epidural may be a good choice for you. Keep in mind the possible complications or risks, but you should feel comfortable choosing one if you feel it is the right decision for you.

Augmentation of Labor/Pitocin

If labor is slow to start, starts and stops, or is not progressing as quickly as your provider would like, it may be suggested that your labor be "augmented" with Pitocin. Pitocin is a synthetic form of the hormone oxytocin, which is naturally produced in the brain. Oxytocin is released during sex, prolonged physical touch, breastfeeding, and labor. During labor, it specifically stimulates uterine contractions. Giving synthetic oxytocin (Pitocin) through your IV can help to increase the frequency and strength of your contractions. Doing so may also help get labor started if an induction of labor is deemed necessary.

The effect of Pitocin is increased contractions. The contractions tend to be stronger, more painful, and more frequent than non-augmented labor. This can be effective for opening your cervix and moving labor along, but it can also be intense and difficult. Many women opt for an epidural after receiving Pitocin.

There are risks to Pitocin which your provider may or may not discuss with you.

Pitocin use is associated with higher risk of uterine rupture. (For this reason, it is often not recommended for VBAC, although it may be administered in low doses in certain cases.) It is also associated with postpartum hemorrhage due to hyperstimulation of the uterus. For the baby, Pitocin increases the risk of jaundice, and may contribute to fetal distress in labor due to the strength and frequency of the contractions. Fetal distress may lead to emergency c-section. As mentioned previously, even if a laboring mother had intended to give birth without pain medication, she may opt for an epidural after being given Pitocin because of the increased intensity of the contractions. (This is not to say that it's impossible to give birth without pain relief if you're given Pitocin, only that some women find it more difficult to bear.) In this case, the additional risks of epidural would apply.

It can be difficult to know whether a Pitocin augmentation is truly necessary. You'll need to consider whether your labor is progressing at all (Are you having regular, strong contractions? Is your cervix dilating, even slowly?), whether you've tried other means to encourage labor to progress (Have you taken walks, tried nipple stimulation, changing positions?), and how long you've already been in labor (Have you been having regular contractions for three or four days now? Are you exhausted? Is your baby tolerating labor?). Many doctors will begin to pressure you to speed up your labor after you have been at the hospital for over 12 hours, either because they need the bed emptied or because they genuinely believe that labor shouldn't last that long. However, many women experience healthy labors and births that last considerably longer than 12 hours, so this is an artificial limit that you are not obligated to meet! This is why I and many other normal birth advocates strongly recommend that you stay at home during the early hours of labor and let your labor progress naturally for as long as possible so that you don't end up on the hospital time table.

There may be emergent reasons for needing to birth your baby quickly, such as the onset of fever or distress that require immediate delivery vaginally or an emergency c-section. Pitocin can be very helpful in such a situation so that you can avoid major surgery, if desired.

Being aware of the risks and benefits of the use of Pitocin before you go into labor can help you decide if you will consent to using it if the option is presented.

Breaking of Waters

Your care provider may offer to move your labor along by breaking your bag of waters manually if it has not broken on its own. There is no way to predict at what point the amniotic sack will rupture. Some women (about 15%, as stated above) experience a rupturing of membranes before labor begins. For others, the water breaks somewhere in the middle of the labor. For some, the water breaks just before or during transition. And in rare cases, the baby is actually born inside an intact amniotic sac - called being born in the caul, and the sac must be broken after the baby is birthed or as he crowns!

It is believed that rupturing the membranes can speed up labor and increase the frequency and strength of contractions without the use of medication. It is not clear if artificial rupturing of membranes in fact decreases the length of labor, however. It has become so routine to break the waters that many providers may suggest it simply as a matter of course, believing that there is no great risk to doing so.

Because it is so routine, you may decide to allow the procedure - a simple and painless one which involves the care provider inserting a hook into your vagina and through the cervix to tear a hole in the sac. You may also wish to consider some of the risks or consequences associated with your waters being broken before deciding whether to allow artificial rupturing of membranes.

Once the membranes are ruptured, the baby is no longer protected from infection. If your waters break and the baby is not born within about 48 hours, there is an increased risk of infection that may require a NICU stay and IV antibiotics for both mother and baby. If you are GBS+, the risk is greater, as there is a chance of bacteria entering the birth canal and endangering the baby. Once your waters are broken, you should avoid excessive vaginal exams (such as to check dilation).

Another risk of ruptured membranes is that contractions tend to become more painful without the cushion of the bag of waters. The baby may also be affected by the increased pressure of the contractions. The consequence of increased pain is, of course, that you may opt for epidural pain relief. If the baby is affected by the increased pressure of each contraction, he or she may experience distress, which could lead to an emergency c-section.

Of course, since many women do experience a natural rupturing of membranes, the risk is probably fairly low, and it is up to you whether to consent to the procedure if it is offered.

Pushing the Baby Out

Yes, at some point you will actually have to get the baby out. That is the goal of labor, of course! In a vaginal birth, you will reach a point at which you are told to "go ahead and push." This happens when you get through transition and your cervix is fully dilated, measured at 10cm by an internal vaginal exam. In a birth that doesn't require any intervention, the pushing stage can last as little as a few minutes to as long as three or more hours.

Unless you have a very strong epidural, you will likely feel your body telling you to push. With each contraction, you'll take a big breath, hold it, and concentrate on pushing down and out, almost like when you're trying to poop when you're constipated. You'll feel pressure in your perineum or rear that feels much like the need to go to the bathroom. You'll push for as long as you can, usually about 10 seconds or so, and then take another breath and push again, typically two or three pushes per contraction. Rest in between contractions and catch your breath for the next round!

If you are mobile, it may help to push in a position other than lying on your back. If you get up and squat, or turn around and kneel, or get on hands and knees, you may be able to open your pelvis more and give the baby more room to come down. Plus, if you're more upright, gravity will help the baby come down with less effort from you.

A good provider will massage your perineum and help to stretch it as you push. The more your perineum can stretch, the less damage will be done by the baby coming through.

Because the action of pushing is similar to the action of having a bowel movement, many women do poop on the table. I promise that you will very likely not even notice that you have done so, because you'll be concentrating so on the baby. But, there's no need to be embarrassed about it. It happens all the time, and providers and nurses are used to it and will simply clear it away, wipe you off, and continue to cheer you on as you push.

The pushing stage is hard, whether it's minutes short or hours long. This is when having a good cheering section around you is vital. Your partner (if applicable), your delivery nurse, your provider, and your doula (if you have one) will tell you how well you're doing, will encourage you to push a little harder, will offer whatever kind of support you need. Strong support can make a huge difference in your will to keep pushing. You may experience thoughts of wanting to quit and demand a c-section just to get it over with. You may feel resentful that no one is helping you with this part, that you have to do it all yourself. You may change your mind and decide you don't want to have a baby after all! It's amazing the tricks the mind can play when you're exhausted, amped up from adrenaline, and have crazy hormones coursing through your body.

Keep your goal in mind: That baby will come out. You can do it. You will do it. If you need to take a short rest break, as long as the baby's vitals are stable, you can opt to not push for one or two contractions. But it usually feels better to push than not once you're in the pushing stage! Plus, I promise, you'll feel almost immediately better once the baby is OUT.

Your provider will check for the baby's head as you push and may announce the baby's "station." The station just means where along the birth canal the baby's head is. Negative station numbers mean the baby is still inside the uterus and hasn't passed through the cervix. Station 0 means that the head is at the cervix. Positive station numbers mark the progress down the birth canal. As long as the baby is making progress, you will be encouraged to keep pushing. You may hear your provider or a nurse tell you to "bear down." This just means to push downward as hard as you can. Try to direct your pushing down and out and not up into your face. You can burst capillaries in your eyes and cheeks if you push your breath outward in your face, and it's a less effective push than if you can focus downward toward your abdomen and vagina.

Within minutes or within hours, your baby's head will finally emerge into the world. Your provider may ask you not to push for a moment if there is a need to suction fluids from the baby's nose and mouth or to uwrap the umbilical cord from around the baby if the baby has gotten tangled. Or, your provider may help the baby rotate his or her shoulders to better fit through. Then you will give another good push to get the rest of the body out. Hearing the baby's first cry is exhilarating!

What Happens Immediately after the Baby Comes Out?

There will still be a little more work to be done once the baby is out. You have to expel the placenta. You may request "delayed cord cutting," which means that you wish to wait until the umbilical cord stops pulsing, usually two to five minutes, before cutting the baby off from your blood supply. Research suggests that this extra burst of maternal blood boosts the baby's iron stores and can make for a healthier baby in the first several months of life. There is no risk to waiting to cut the cord unless there is an emergency situation that requires that your baby be taken from you for help from a NICU team.

Within a few minutes of the birth, you will feel the need to push once more, and the placenta will slide out. Your provider may assist in this step by gently tugging on the umbilical cord. The placenta will be checked to make sure it is intact. If any piece of the placenta is retained in your uterus, it can lead to postpartum hemorrhage, infection, delay in milk production, and other complications and may require surgery to remove. It is important to ensure that you have completely expelled the placenta!

If you have requested immediate skin-to-skin, you may want to wait until your baby is wiped off with a towel and diapered, or you may want to hold the baby as soon as he or she emerges. That's up to you! Put your baby on your chest between your breasts, and your nurse will put blankets over both of you to keep you both warm. Introduce the baby to the breast, which may require assistance from your doula, partner, and/or nurse (as applicable). Your baby should be fairly alert in the first hour or two after birth and actively seek out the breast. Help your baby find the nipple and latch on. The sucking will release additional oxytocin to help your uterus to shrink, stemming the flow of postpartum bleeding. That first dose of colostrum will help prime your baby's digestive system, help him or her start moving out the meconium that has coated the intestines in the womb, and give you something to focus on and help you start bonding with your baby.

The neonatal team (usually a nurse and occasionally a pediatrician as well) will want to weigh your baby, measure his or her length and the size of his or her head. They will also suggest putting antibiotic ointment on the baby's eyes and giving the baby a vitamin K shot. I won't go into all of these procedures here, but I do recommend you do some reading about the purpose of these medications. You may request to wait for weighing and measuring until the baby has taken a break from the initial breastfeeding, or you may wish to have it done right away and then take the baby back to breastfeed (if you're planning to breastfeed). They will also ask if you'd like your baby bathed. You may choose to delay the bath or you may like to have your baby bathed immediately. Research does suggest that holding off on the bath for 12 to 24 hours can help your baby maintain body temperature and has other benefits as well, such as protecting the baby's delicate skin.

If there was any damage to your perineum or vulva during the baby's exit - either tearing or an intentional cut, called an episiotomy (see below) - your provider will assess the need for stitches. If you have an epidural, they will keep the medication flowing while they stitch you up. If not, they will offer a local anesthetic. In my experience, you are often fairly numb from all the stretching anyway, but a local may still be welcome, depending on how much stitching you need.

Your provider, your labor nurse, and/or your doula will massage your uterus to encourage it to spring closed, near to its prepregnancy size and shape. It takes a few weeks to completely return to normal, but this initial shrinkage is very important to prevent hemorrhage. This will probably be painful. They may also show you how to massage it yourself and instruct you to do so periodically over the next several days. If there are any concerns about postpartum hemorrhage, they may also recommend a dose of Pitocin to help the uterus contract.

Episiotomy

An episiotomy is a deliberate cut to the perineum made by your provider during delivery. The perineum is the area of skin and muscle between your vaginal opening and your anus, and it needs to stretch to allow the baby to come through the birth canal. Episiotomy was once a routine procedure. It was believed to cause less damage and heal faster and more cleanly than the natural tearing that might occur during a normal delivery. Evidence has shown this not to be the case, and episiotomy is considerably less common now than in decades past. Tearing of the tissues can be minimized by perineal massage and warm compresses, by being in a comfortable and optimal position while pushing, and by allowing the baby to descend slowly so that the tissues can stretch. There may still be tearing, especially if this is your first vaginal delivery, but these tears can be repaired with stitches after the delivery.

However, your provider may still suggest an episiotomy under certain circumstances. If your baby is malpositioned - that is, not in an optimal position for delivery - your tissues may need to stretch and tear more to allow your baby's exit, or you may simply not be able to push the baby out easily. An episiotomy in this case may help to widen the vaginal canal to allow the baby's exit. In other cases, the perineum is tough and will not stretch as much as needed, and your provider may feel that a tear would be more traumatic than a small cut. Finally, if your baby is in distress and needs to be delivered quickly, an episiotomy can help speed delivery by providing more space for the baby to emerge.

Risks of episiotomy include infection, more painful recovery, and difficulty sitting, defecating, and urinating for a few days or weeks after delivery. There is also a risk of cutting too deeply and causing severe damage to the perineum, or that the episiotomy will tear further as the baby emerges. Your provider should make the smallest possible cut to allow the baby to pass through.

Discuss the risks and benefits of episiotomy with your provider before your delivery, if possible, so that you can make an informed decision if one is suggested or offered.

If an episiotomy is warranted and you do not have an epidural, your provider will inject a local anesthetic so that you don't feel the actual cut. After your baby is born, your provider will then stitch up the episiotomy and/or other tearing.

You will be given instructions on caring for your episiotomy or tears to prevent infection, speed healing, and reduce pain.

Assisted Delivery

Sometimes, despite your best efforts and the support of your birth team, it becomes clear that the second stage (pushing stage) of your labor is not progressing well, or that the baby needs to be delivered quickly for his or her safety or for yours. In these cases, an assisted delivery may be deemed appropriate.

There are two instruments that may be used to assist you in delivering your baby vaginally. These are the vacuum extractor and forceps. Your provider may prefer one to the other, but they serve the same purpose: to allow your provider to help pull the baby out as you push.

Vacuum Extraction

One method to assist you in birthing your baby is the use of vacuum extraction. In this procedure, your care provider will attach a cup to the top of your baby's head using a vacuum pump. Then, as you push, the provider will tug on the cup to try to help pull the baby out.

Use of the vacuum has some risk, including injury to the baby's scalp or skull and injury to the mother's vagina or perineum. It may cause swelling of the baby's scalp where the cup attaches. The risks associated with vacuum assisted delivery are relatively minor, but if you are able to deliver your baby without assistance, it is safer for you to do so.

Forceps

Forceps have been around to assist birthing women for hundreds of years. They look roughly like large salad tongs. The care provider inserts the forceps into the vagina and grasps the baby's head on either side, then gently pulls on the baby's head as the mother pushes. In this way, much like with vacuum assistance (above), the provider can help the mother deliver the baby.

Risks of forceps use include minor bruising or cuts to the baby's head (which will heal on their own), additional tearing of the mother's vagina or perineum, and, more rarely, nerve damage to the baby's face (which will heal). If forceps are used properly, the risks associated are relatively minor. However, as with vacuum-assisted delivery, if you are able to push the baby out on your own, it is safer for you to do so.

Emergency Situations

I am including this partial list of possible emergency situations so that if something does occur during your labor, you will have some understanding of what's going on. This is not meant to frighten you or dissuade you from giving birth in the location and manner you feel most comfortable. These situations are rare, and if attended to quickly, generally mother and baby come out healthy and safe.

While most women go in, give birth, and everything is fine, emergency situations do arise that will require quick responses from your care team. "Fetal distress" is a catch-all term for evidence that the baby is not tolerating labor for whatever reason. Typically, the baby's heart rate slows down or speeds up to dangerous levels, as noticed on the fetal heart monitor or during a routine listen with a stethoscope or Doppler machine. If the heart rate doesn't recover to the normal range within a few minutes, it may be declared an emergency.

Emergencies can happen for a variety of reasons. For example, the umbilical cord may be too short, or the baby may be tangled in the cord, or the position of the baby may mean he or she is putting pressure on the cord and blocking blood flow. In rare cases, the cord may actually be twisted or tied in a knot. In many of these cases, the baby may not be able to drop into the birth canal and emerge vaginally, and a c-section is necessary to safely deliver the baby. Sometimes, repositioning the mother can help take pressure off the cord and resolve the situation with no further intervention.

Another emergency situation is cord prolapse, which is when the umbilical cord emerges from the cervix before the baby crowns. This is a definite emergency, because it is impossible for the baby to be born vaginally without cutting off his or her own blood supply. This situation necessitates an emergency c-section.

Placental abruption is when the placenta detaches from the uterine wall before the baby is born. This is also an emergency situation because once the placenta detaches, the baby can no longer receive oxygen and nutrients from the mother. The baby must be delivered immediately.

Shoulder dystocia is a rare condition in which the baby's shoulders get stuck in the birth canal. If not resolved quickly, this can be very dangerous. However, a trained birth team will be able to jump to action to free the baby, which may require breaking the baby's collarbone and pulling him out.

Meconium in the amniotic fluid is a situation that may warrant attention from a NICU team. Meconium is a sticky substance that coats the intestinal tract of the baby while in the womb. If the baby has a bowel movement in utero, which can occur either because the baby was in distress or sometimes when you are well past your estimated due date, it is possible for the baby aspirate the meconium into his throat and lungs. Because it is sticky, it is difficult to expel, and this can cause respiratory distress once the umbilical cord is cut and the baby needs to start breathing on his own. If meconium is found in the amniotic fluid when the sac is ruptured, a NICU team will be on call for the delivery.

Uterine rupture is when the wall of the uterus partially or completely opens. This is an emergency situation requiring immediate surgery. Usually, mother and baby are perfectly fine once the crisis has passed, and often the mother's fertility can be saved as well if action is taken quickly. Sometimes uterine rupture can have more catastrophic results, unfortunately. The good news is that uterine rupture is very rare. It is slightly more common in women who have had one or more cesarean sections or more than five pregnancies, but the risk is small even in these cases.

Fever/Infection in the mother may warrant emergency action by the delivery team. If the mother develops a fever during labor, it may indicate that she has an infection that requires immediate attention. Infection in the mother during labor may put the baby at risk as well, and infection or fever can be very dangerous for a newborn, whose immune system is not developed yet.

C-Section

Conspicuously absent from the discussion above is the other way to give birth, cesarean section, or surgical birth. You should know what a c-section is and what the risks are if you are thinking about choosing a cesarean birth. You should also know the circumstances under which a c-section may be suggested or required so that you can make informed decisions if the situation should arise.

A c-section may be planned, non-emergency but unscheduled, or emergency. A planned c-section is when it is known in advance that a surgical birth is necessary or desired. You and your doctor will choose a date no earlier than your 39th week of pregnancy (unless other circumstances require an early birth). A scheduled c-section is associated with the lowest risks for the mother, compared with unscheduled and emergency c-sections, but there are risks to both mother and baby with cesarean section, and unless otherwise indicated, typically a vaginal birth is safest.

A non-emergency but unscheduled c-section occurs when you had planned on a vaginal birth, but it becomes clear during labor that you will not be able to deliver vaginally, or you and your provider determine together that you do not wish to labor any longer. You and your provider may decide that the baby's position or your physiology simply will not allow the baby to completely emerge through the birth canal. There are other situations that may arise as well. For example, you may have tried an induction that did not result in sustained labor. Or, perhaps you are well past your estimated due date and have not gone into labor, or your amniotic sac has ruptured (your water broke) but labor is not starting on its own.

Under these circumstances, your provider may suggest delivering the baby via cesarean section. Even if you had not planned to have a c-section prior to this point, a c-section under these circumstances is not considered "emergency" as long as mother and baby are not in distress. A non-emergency c-section allows time to administer a spinal block (if the mother does not already have an epidural) so that the mother can remain awake and alert during the delivery. It allows the family and provider to prepare for a surgical birth. The risks of complications in a non-emergency c-section are lower than those associated with an emergency c-section.

An emergency c-section will be ordered if a situation arises in which the health or life of mother or baby are suddenly in danger. I detailed some possible emergency situations above. If one of these should occur, you will be quickly transported to the nearest operating room and prepped for surgery. If you already have an epidural, they will continue those medications to prevent you from feeling the pain of the surgery. If you do not, depending on the seriousness of the emergency, your doctors may be required to use general anesthesia to render you unconscious so the surgery can be performed quickly and safely.

How is a C-Section Performed?

In a cesarean section, the surgeon (your obstetrician or an obstetrician on call at the hospital) cuts through the abdomen with a scalpel, makes an incision in the uterine wall, retracts (pulls back) the sides of the incision, suctions out the amniotic fluid, disengages the baby from the pelvis (if necessary), and delivers the baby head-first through the incision. When the head is out, the fluids are suctioned from the baby's mouth and nose to clear the lungs and airway, then the rest of the body is pulled free of the incision, and the umbilical cord is cut. The placenta is removed and examined to ensure it is intact. Then the uterus is sutured and the abdominal incision is closed up. The entire procedure typically takes about 45 to 60 minutes, with the first 5 to 10 minutes being delivery of the baby.

Depending on the practices of your particular doctor and hospital, it may be possible to hold your newborn on your chest during the second phase of the surgery, and even breastfeed him or her if desired. This is becoming more common and is something you may want to discuss with your provider prior to the surgery, if there is time. You may also want to research "family centered cesarean," in which the birth environment is set up to be as comforting and warm as possible for mother and baby. You may even be able to request to watch your baby's birth (if you want!). If possible, discuss cesarean section scenarios with your provider so that your wishes and needs can be heard and respected during the process. A c-section need not be traumatic or emotionally sterile just because it is not a "traditional" birth.

Risks of C-Section

The most common risk to the mother is post-surgical infection. Other risks for the mother include severe blood loss, reaction to anesthesia, and blood clots. Risks to the baby include lung or breathing problems and birth injury (such as being cut by the scalpel). Risks to the baby of a planned (scheduled) cesarean, as opposed to one that occurs during labor, also include premature delivery, which can carry many complications of its own. It should be noted that a planned cesarean does appear carry fewer risks to the mother than an emergency c-section.

There are also long-term risks of c-section, or multiple c-sections. These include increased risk of future placenta previa (which is when the placenta is blocking the cervix), future placenta accreta (which is when the placenta is too deeply attached in the uterine wall and cannot be expelled), uterine rupture, and risk of future emergency hysterectomy during birth. These risks increase exponentially with each additional c-section.

I want to stress here that in most cases, it is possible to have a vaginal delivery in a subsequent pregnancy even after one or two cesarean deliveries (vaginal birth after cesarean, VBAC). You can browse the "VBAC" tag on this blog for more on than, and investigate www.vbacfacts.com for great information about VBAC.

The Immediate Postpartum Time

I won't go into great detail about this in this series, since the focus is on pregnancy and birth. See this article for some tips for your postpartum hospital stay. During the first hours and days after your baby is born, you will spend time resting, learning to feed and care for your baby, and simply bonding. Spend time skin-to-skin with your baby (whether you're breastfeeding or not), enjoy being waited on, and get as much information from the doctors, midwifes, and nurses as you can. If you and your baby are healthy and you had a vaginal birth, you may be able to go home within 24 to 48 hours of the birth. In a c-section birth, you will stay three to four days to ensure you are healing properly.

Conclusion

Despite the length of this article and the Childbirth Choices Series, I cannot possibly have covered every question or every scenario you may encounter. I hope that I have given you some guidance, information you did not already have, and helped to organize your thoughts so that you can make evidence-based and informed choices as you navigate your way through pregnancy and childbirth. Do not be afraid to ask questions of your care provider, research on your own, and talk to friends who have had babies. You'll find a myriad of experiences, a plethora of opinions, but from all of this you should be able to figure out what you want out of the birth of your child.

I encourage you to browse the pregnancy and birth-related tags on this blog to learn more and to visit www.improvingbirth.org for evidenced-based articles on childbirth-related topics.

Grocery Shopping on a Budget: Teaching Life Skills to My Older Kids

2015-01-23T21:13:00.001-08:00

My older two kids (8 and 6) are old enough now that I've begun to feel I should be teaching them life skills beyond using the toilet and bathing. For several months, they have been responsible for folding and putting away their laundry and their three-year-old brother's laundry. Soon, the three-year-old will be assigned to assist them with it, but he's still more of a hindrance than a help. The oldest recently volunteered to completely take over doing their laundry, now that he's finally tall enough to reach the dryer, which is stacked atop the washing machine.

They also are sometimes tasked with emptying the dishwasher and setting the table. Sometimes they help me cook, by measuring ingredients, stirring pots, or reading recipes.

I have them help me straighten up toys, sometimes do some light organizing, and sweep the floor.

Today, I decided to take the opportunity to teach them a little about budgeting.

I've only recently begun to seriously delve into the nitty gritty of budgeting and managing money more proactively. I started experimenting with a new budget software, and I noticed how many skills there are to build, and these are skills that can be easily taught at a much younger age than my tender 33 years. Managing money, spending and saving wisely, being choosy about where your money goes, these are things even a six and eight-year-old can begin to understand.

So I issued the family a challenge. We went to the grocery store this afternoon and we made a goal of spending no more than $150. The idea was to pick and choose the best deals, be aware of prices, find good value for the products we needed, and know when to give something up and when to insist on something based on our family of six's need to eat 20 or so meals per week (assuming we have brunch on the weekend!). I wanted the kids to see that when they ask for just one more bag of chips or a drink or treat at the end of the shopping trip, or this snack instead of that one, or "can we get this, too, please?", it all adds up and may prevent us from buying something else because it maxes out the budget.

I had made a pretty comprehensive list of things we needed. Uncharacteristically, we were out of basics like coffee and salt, sugar and paper towels, so I knew those would take up space in the budget that might otherwise be allotted to snacks or a treat at the end.

It made for a perfect lesson.

I handed the eight-year-old my phone in calculator mode, and every time we chose an item, he added the cost to a running total. We checked unit prices to see if what looked like a good deal actually was one. We chose one brand over another based on whether something was on special. I was able to show that by purchasing a large volume of nonperishable items that were marked down, it would mean we could go several weeks without having to buy it, and it would save several dollars in the long run. I was able to demonstrate that even though it took a little more space in this week's $150, next week we wouldn't need to buy that item at all, so we could use that same space to buy something else that was on sale another time.

And, we had to forego some items. Butter would have taken us over budget. The kids wanted a treat, but when we clocked in at a little over $148 when I added some bell peppers (on sale $1 each) and carrots ($.99/pound) and bananas ($.79/pound), I said we had to wrap it up.

We could have made some exchanges. Maybe we needed butter more than tortillas? Maybe, but a 24-pack of tortillas goes a long way, even in a family of six. Maybe we could have made do with less bread in favor of some apples? Possibly. This kind of thing takes practice!

After purchasing four bags (because, of course, I always forget to bring bags) and the tax on a few non-food items, the total came to $151.54. I gave us all a pat on the back. We did very well!

After the experiment, I asked them what lessons they could take out of our little game. We talked about choosing what we really need and not just grabbing what looks good. We discussed making choices that would be beneficial in the long run and not just something we want right now. We said how if we had to forego an item this week, if we got to buy it in the future, we would be that much more excited to have it. We learned how to read price tags and figure out what they really are saying and not just go, "Oh, hey, that's on sale!"

Now, if we had gone over by $25 or $50, it would have been okay. Truthfully, we may need to go back sooner than a week from now to fill in some gaps. I hope not, because that would dilute the lesson a little. But I think they enjoyed the game, especially my oldest, who is definitely a numbers guy. And I hope that now they can appreciate a little better when I say, "I don't have the money for that right now," or, "That's not in the budget this month," or "Do you want to spend your money on THIS or THAT?" They need to understand that money is finite and you have to make good choices!

What ways have you tried to help your children understand the value of money and how to budget?

The Joy of Not Rushing

2015-01-13T08:00:00.000-08:00

One of the things I pride myself on is my ability to estimate how long something will take and plan accordingly. I'm rarely late and usually early for appointments, school drop-offs and pick-ups, get-togethers, and so on.

Having four kids, two of whom are toddlers, has made everything take a little longer. It took me a little while to learn to pad my time estimates, but I'm pretty much on my game these days.

Unfortunately, the more personalities involved and the more you have going on, the likelier it is that things won't go quite according to plan.

It's when things start to derail that I am at my worst as a parent.

A three-year-old does not live his life by the clock. He does not care if you need to be somewhere in 15 minutes. He doesn't know what 15 minutes is. He doesn't understand that if he gets to finish watching this episode of "Blue's Clues," Mommy will be late to pick up his brothers from school. He doesn't understand (or care) that if he doesn't walk just a smidge faster, he'll throw off Mommy's carefully laid-out timetable for the afternoon. And he doesn't realize Just. How. Slowly. He's. Eating.

One recent Tuesday, I had the brilliant idea to go to the bank, then hit Target, then eat dinner, then head off to drop my two older boys at Hebrew school. I worked backward from the Hebrew school start time, estimated how long dinner would take, how long Target would take, what I needed to do at the bank (make a deposit in the ATM), how long it would take to get there, added 10 minutes for security and wiggle room, and set out at the appointed time, after filling everybody in on the plan. Everyone was on board, and my oldest even made it into a game to see if we could really hit all of my timing goals.

We got to the bank exactly when I estimated we would. The ATM gave me trouble, so it took a few minutes longer than I expected, but we were still on our way to Target exactly when I hoped to be. I had left us an hour for Target and knew exactly what I needed to get. Of course, once you actually get to Target, you find many other things you, er, "need," but I would have had plenty of time except for three setbacks: the pharmacy, where I just wanted to ask a quick question, was packed; it turned out the last item I needed was across the store from where I was; and the lines at the checkout were long and slow. Still, we had time to eat dinner. If we rushed.

I tried to rush, except...except I forgot to factor in the time it would take to walk across the parking lot to the car with a pokey toddler, unload the Target purchases, then walk back across the parking lot (with a pokey toddler) to the restaurant, which was right next to Target. I tried to rush, but I was met with resistance. He didn't want to hold my hand, so I had to half drag him, fighting and screaming across the parking lot.

And when I saw the line at the restaurant, I knew my timeline was blown. We were going to be late, and there was nothing I could do about it. Had I known it would then take half an hour to get our food after we ordered it, I would have gone somewhere quicker to begin with, but we all had our hearts set on this particular restaurant.

So obviously the three-year-old decides to eat one tortilla chip at a time, one grain of rice, pick at his food. This is how he always eats, but just this once, just this once, I hoped he would hurry himself a bit. But no amount of cajoling, explaining, or chivvying got him to pick up his pace even a little.

I tried to rush, and in the trying, I became more and more impatient. I yelled. I berated. I sighed heavily. Time stretched out. Every little thing seemed to take three times longer than it really did. I was angry and agitated. And when we finally, finally, all got in the car, we were already 15 minutes late, before even driving away. Did it even matter anymore if we rushed? What was another five minutes at this point?

I was so annoyed. I really dislike being late, and I especially dislike when other people make me late, even if those other people are small persons who live their lives marching to a whole different drummer.

By contrast, the following Friday, I had very little to do. I had work to do, but I had largely given up on doing it, because the baby has been clingy and the three-year-old needed attention. I had one short errand to run that was not time-sensitive, and we had a few hours before we had to pick up the older boys from school. I decided to run my errand and then take the little ones out to lunch at McDonald's.

I ran my errand, which took longer than it needed to, but was enjoyable for the relaxed nature of the thing. Then we got to McDonald's, ordered our food, and ate, slowly, savoring every bite of chicken nugget, every french fry, every dip in the ketchup. I set the three-year-old loose in the Play Place, where he climbed up and down and around, calling, "Look, Mommy!" Every glance at my watch showed plenty of time. Plenty of time. He can play for ages. He can just play.

I was so patient. I enjoyed watching him. I enjoyed just sitting, playing Candy Crush, listening to his imaginative game as he climbed through the play structure, narrating his ascent. "Look, Mommy! I can touch the rocks here. Look at this wall! Hi, Mommy! See?" I enjoyed letting the baby explore a little. We were the only ones there. We had the place to ourselves, and it was quiet and pleasant and lovely.

And when we finally really did have to go, we still had a little wiggle room. It didn't matter if we left McDonald's at 2:10 or 2:20. We'd get to the school in time. The only difference would be whether I was first or last in the car pickup line, and did that really matter? Not really. So we made our way to the car, headed on up to the school, and were early for pickup.

As we sat in the car line (we were the second car), I resolved not to rush so much. I resolved to savor the space to breathe a little, to explore, to toddle slowly along, to eat one chip at a time. I want to be on time, but being on time doesn't mean rushing. It means leaving more time to let things fall as they may. It means letting go of an errand or a bit of work to instead let your kid be a kid. He'll have to live by the clock soon enough. Maybe it's time I ditched the watch and joined him in the play structure.

What's It Like to Have Four Kids?

2014-10-08T06:00:00.000-07:00

"So, what's it like having four kids?" I get asked this reasonably often, especially by people with three kids who are considering another, or by people with one who can't imagine having more than that.

Comic Jim Gaffigan (now a father of five) has a great response. He says, "If you want to know what it's like to have a fourth, just imagine you're drowning...and then someone hands you a baby." (See his hilarious take on having 4 kids and home birth here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GEbZrY0G9PI).

Now that my fourth is almost a year old, I find having four is not that much more difficult than having three. You're already used to being "outnumbered," you're already used to mentally counting kids and locating them and your eyes darting around looking for the little one and calling out to the biggest one to help you with something and storing and retrieving hand-me-downs and buckling multiple car seats and feeding many, many mouths.

So what's it like to have four kids? It's like today:

G-d-knows-when-o'clock-A.M.: I, my husband, and the 11-month-old are sleeping in bed. 3-year-old climbs in, too, proceeds to sleep on baby's arm. Baby tries to roll over and can't, wakes up, and I nurse him back to sleep. Only one of numerous awakenings by said baby.

7:00 A.M.: Everyone is getting up for the day when the 5-year-old throws up. Supposed to be a short day at school followed by parent-teacher conferences. 5-year-old will stay home, but 8-year-old will go, because he's feeling fine.

8:00 A.M.: Dad takes 8-year-old to school. 5-year-old throws up again.

9:00 A.M.: 3-year-old has annual well visit at doctor's and 11-month-old has appointment for flu shot. Must drag sick 5-year-old along. He throws up in the car (fortunately into a barf bag which I so wisely brought with us). 3-year-old does great at doctor, flu shot administered to baby without drama.

9:30 A.M.: School calls to double check that 5-year-old is caught up on vaccinations (he is, we establish).

10:00 A.M: Back home from doctor. 5-year-old lies down to take a nap. 3-year-old wants a snack. Snack provided. I try to get some work done.

11:00 A.M.: Baby nurses to sleep. 3-year-old wants another snack. I tell him to wait for lunch. I try to get some work done.

11:30 A.M.: 5-year-old wants toast. 3-year-old decides he also wants toast. I want last night's dinner leftovers. Baby wakes but nurses back to sleep. 3-year-old wants the rest of my lunch. I give it to him and get myself some crackers.

12:00: 5-year-old feels better. Everyone has eaten. I get a little work done.

1:00 P.M.: Time to pick up 8-year-old from school and then stay for book fair and teacher conferences. Older three play on the school playground while the baby roams the classrooms during the conferences and attempts to choke on small objects.

2:10 P.M.: Round everyone up and come home. Everyone wants a snack. Oldest has homework. Middle two watch TV. I get a little more work done.

4:15 P.M.: Round everyone up again to go to the bank, have dinner, then drop the oldest two off at Hebrew school.

6:30 P.M.: Arrive home with 3-year-old and baby, nurse baby, who has fallen asleep in the car seat and is now cranky but shouldn't really be napping, while 3-year-old watches TV and demands my assistance with selecting a show.

7:15 P.M.: Start giving warning that it will be time to get ready for bed soon. Await return of two older boys and Daddy from Hebrew school.

7:30 P.M.: Baby is crying hysterically while I try to get work done, so I take him to nurse him some more and hope he goes to sleep. He does not.

8:00 P.M.: Daddy and older two get home. Toddler goes running to say hi. Bedtime chaos ensues and resolves in the next 25 minutes. 3-year-old tells me to go away, so I take the baby to try once again to get him to sleep for the night.

9:00 P.M.: Baby is finally asleep for now. 3-year-old wants more attention but is told in no uncertain terms to go to sleep. Older two are drifting off. I go back to my computer to maybe get some work done.

9:45 P.M.: I've decided to practice guitar a little. I hear footsteps and find that the 8-year-old has emerged to get himself some water. Then the baby wakes up. I nurse him back to sleep, then return to my computer to finally (?) get some work done!

10:45 P.M.: Working steadily. Now the nightly question: Go to bed now and leave work unfinished in the hope I can finish it tomorrow, or stay up and finish it so I can move on to something else tomorrow? Also, I should get to the dishes at some point.

11:25 P.M.: I give up. I'm going to bed now. Dishes are not done and neither is work, but at least all four kids are asleep...for now.

So what's it like to have four kids? There's always something to do, always something going on. Someone is always pulling you in a direction you weren't planning to go, while another needs you to go in yet a third direction. Constant interruptions, constant noise, constant LIFE. It's lively. It's exciting. It's schlepping and cleaning up and serving and assisting. It's carving out moments to do what needs doing and finding minutes to do what you want to do.

And when you climb into bed at the end of a long day and snuggle up to your precious young one, you breathe deeply, sigh with relief, and mentally prepare for what surprises tomorrow may bring.

It's like...it's like you're drowning...and someone hands you a baby. And you snuggle that baby allll night.

Zombies, Run! Exercising after Four Kids!

2014-09-15T16:39:00.000-07:00

I have often thought it would be nice to find some kind of exercise or activity I could do to get and stay fit and improve my overall physical health, but I always found that having my kids around made that too difficult, either financially or logistically or both. I also had trouble finding something that held my interest. Simply walking was too boring. I hated running. I didn't have convenient access to a swimming pool, and I don't like swimming anyway. Besides, no matter what activity I chose, I'd have to either find childcare or somehow cart my kids along.

Recently, I committed to trying a "couch to 5K" training program. These types of programs are aimed at sedentary people who would like to work up to running regularly. It sounded perfect to me. I have a double jogging stroller, my older two kids are at school during the day, and I could plop the 3-year-old and the baby in the stroller and go out for regular runs.

The beauty of the couch to 5K program is it's a very clear regimen. There are some variations, but they all use interval training and drills to take you from basically a couch potato to being able to run for 5 kilometers (3.1 miles) in about eight to nine weeks.

I chose to use the Zombies, Run! 5K app for my phone to help guide me through the drills. The app has a back story in which you are the sole survivor of a crash into zombie-infested territory, and you make your way to a safe base. The people there train you to become a runner for them. Being part of a little story makes it more fun, but the training itself is solid.

For this particular program, you do three workouts a week for eight weeks. I've completed the first four episodes so far. The first episode is the introduction, where you learn about your character and do kind of a free walk/run for about 35 minutes. The next three workouts then were training oriented, using this pattern: You walk for 10 minutes to warm up. You then alternate walking for one minute and running for 15 seconds, 10 times. Finally, you take 10 minutes of a free walk/run, where you walk or run as you're able and cool off. Each workout is about 35 minutes. The app can play music from your internal device playlists, but I don't have any, so I set up a Pandora channel of 80's pop music, which is super fun to run to.

The app claims to also track your distance, but I couldn't get that to work on my phone for some reason, so I also downloaded Map My Run, which uses the GPS in your device to track your distance and draws a map of the route you took. It chimes in at each mile to tell you your distance and time, and at the end of a run, it tells you approximately how many calories you burned, how far you went, your mile times, etc. You can share this information to Facebook and other social media if you want.

The combination of the two apps is really motivating. I want to hear the next part of the story, and I want to work up to the next, more difficult, drills. My next training run will have me running for 30 seconds at a time and adds other exercises to the mix. That, combined with seeing my distances increase on Map My Run will be really neat. I'm excited for the first time I break that 3-mile point. So far, my workouts have taken me a little over 2 miles, mostly walking.

Exercise falls under the category of "self care," doing things for yourself that improve your overall feeling of well-being. I think parents often find it difficult to take time for self care because they're so busy filling the needs of the small people they live with, contributing to the family, and taking care of others. Thirty-five minutes a day isn't so much, really (I'm sure I spend far more than that roaming Facebook, for example), and the benefits I reap are great. I especially treasure the times I get to go out without the kids along (when my husband is available to be with the kids, or when we happen to have a babysitter at the house), because then it's truly "me time."

So far, my walk/runs have left me feeling good, energized, and pleasantly tired. I'm more focused when I sit down at my desk to work. I'm happier. I'm more patient with the kids. This is the first time I've actually enjoyed and looked forward to exercising, and especially running!

If you want to follow my Couch to 5K progress, I post a selfie with the results of the day's workout on my instagram feed. Here's today's selfie:

#c25k today was 2.28 miles in 36 minutes, same workout as the two previous. Next workout will increase run time and add a new exercise. Also, my first#zombiesrun mission completed! (Good news, I escaped the zombie. In case you were worried.)

Have you done a Couch to 5K program, or something similar? Tell us about it!

*I downloaded these apps for my personal use and was not asked by either company to endorse or review their products.

And On To Another School Year...

2014-08-19T08:45:00.000-07:00

I'm ambivalent about the end of summer and the start of the school year. If all of my kids were in school, I would probably look forward to the start of school more, as a chance to have some quiet in the house. But since I will now have two at home and two at school, it's kind of a toss-up whether I prefer school vacations or regular school days.

The advantage, for me, of non-school days is not having to deal with drop-off and pick-up. If I don't have to worry about being back in time to pick up one or another of my kids from school, then we can take longer afternoon outings, plan errands, pop out for lunch or dinner, or just hang around the house all day, and no one has to be tossed into his car seat in the middle of a nap or playtime.

On the other hand, when my kids are in school, the house is quieter. There are fewer personalities to deal with, less arguing. It's generally more peaceful. (Although, I expect this to change as the baby moves into toddlerhood and buts heads more often with his brother.) Plus, when the kids are in school, I feel like at least for some hours of the day they're not simply staring at a screen all day, they're not sitting like lumps on the couch, and their brains are engaged. They're socializing and playing and learning. So when they come home and want to veg out, I don't feel as bad about it.

I generally despise "schlepping." Going from one place to another, strapping all four kids into the car, getting all four out of the car, into the car, out of the car, entertaining three while the other is at an activity, going to pick up one or two while the others are just along for the ride. I don't like being bound to strict schedules and having to disrupt everyone else's routines for the sake of one. This is family life, and no one is more important than anyone else, but I feel bad that the babies tend to get slighted and spend so much time in the car. I also dislike feeling torn between supervising homework and supervising toddlers, neglecting one child because the other needs more support, and leaving the older ones mostly to their own devices because the younger ones still need me so much. I think it all balances out in the end, but in the moment it is hard for everyone.

I am excited for my 5-year-old to finally start kindergarten, though! For the first time, two of my kids will be at the same school, together, every day. I won't get into the insane kindergarten schedule this school has that I am not as excited about. He's counting down the days until he starts. He's so excited. He really craves friends and learning and I'm sure this will be a great year for him.

My biggest is starting third grade, which blows my mind. I know kids get bigger and older and move forward through life at what is apparently a staggering rate, but third grade feels so big. I'm mostly excited for him. I hope he'll be challenged and rewarded for rising to that challenge. I hope he'll solidify friendships, learn all sorts of new information he can pepper his conversation with, and start really diving into what school is all about.

We'll settle into a routine and work out the kinks as the year goes on, and before I know it, it'll be summer again, with it's relaxation and stir-craziness. I have the feeling I'll really appreciate summer break by the time it rolls around next June!

I Can't Face Telling My Son About Robin Williams' Death

2014-08-12T11:30:00.002-07:00

I am very, very shaken by the news of Robin Williams' death. I read about it on Facebook yesterday while my oldest son was sitting behind me in the office, using his computer. I couldn't help but verbalize my shock. "Oh my God," I said. "Oh my God. I can't believe it. Oh my God."

"What, Mommy?" my son asked. "What happened?"

"Oh, um, an actor died. I'm just really surprised. He was only 63."

"How did he die?"

I stopped. It was only just being reported. Suspected suicide...struggle with addiction and depression...suicide by asphyxiation...died after a battle with depression and addiction... I couldn't. I didn't want to explain. I didn't want it to be true. Why couldn't it have been an aneurysm, or cancer, or a heart attack, or a car accident? Something tangible that I could easily explain as an external force, a tragedy.

And yet, depression so severe that a person cannot live with it anymore is a tragedy. A horrible, silent, gut-wrenching tragedy. But it's so much more hidden and so much more unrecognized, and it should be treatable. It should. It just feels so unfair.

I didn't know how to say this to my tender seven-year-old. How could I explain that some people get so sad that they kill themselves?

"Oh, um, they don't know yet. They just found out about it," I lied. I couldn't face the conversation.

"But why are you so surprised?" he asked. As if to say, he was 63, and sometimes people die, and it's not like you knew the guy.

"I guess I just wasn't expecting it. He's a really well known and loved actor, and 63 is still pretty young," I said. How could I tell him that this was a man so full of life and light? How could I explain that it was unbearably sad to see someone so admired and successful struggle through such a dark tunnel that he couldn't find his way out? How could I convey the depth of grief I feel for someone I've never met and yet could make such an impact on me and on so very many others?

He's probably already forgotten about the whole thing. After all, Robin Williams isn't a household name for him the way it is for me. One day we'll watch Mrs. Doubtfire together, or Jumanji, or Hook, and he'll ask if the actor is still alive, and I'll tell him he's not, and he'll ask how he died (because he's that kind of kid) and maybe then I'll be far enough removed from the shock and grief to find the words. But right now, I just want to protect him from that kind of knowledge. The kind of knowledge that sometimes the world is unfair and diseases take people from us who had so much more to give.

If you're hurting, please seek help. And if you think someone around you is hurting, please reach out. Depression is a disease just as much as cancer or diabetes, and no one should suffer alone.

Solo Road-Tripping with Four Kids

2014-07-28T11:58:00.000-07:00

I just spent two weeks with my mom and four kids. I drove from the Bay Area to San Diego by myself with the kids. The drive down wasn't bad, but took much longer than it would have (a) without kids; or (b) with more than one adult. The drive back, we encountered some very bad traffic and it took even longer than the drive down.

I did learn a few things.

New ideas that worked well:

1) Change up the seating arrangements partway through.
Since we have four kids, we have two in the middle row of our van and two in the back. Partway through the drive, I swapped the baby and the oldest, so the oldest and toddler were in the middle row and the 5year-old and baby were in the back. (Make sure you're comfortable removing and reinstalling car seats if you choose to do this!) Since the two oldest were prone to fight after spending too much time in the back together, this broke up that issue. It also enabled each of the older two to help out the younger two.

2) Individual lunch boxes full of snacks.
We went to Target the day before the trip and picked out different sorts of snacks. We then packed each kid his own lunch box with the same set of snacks. They could keep their food with them and eat what they wanted whenever they felt like it, and I didn't have to be handing around food while driving or policing what anyone was eating. This was an especially good idea since I was driving alone and didn't have an extra set of hands to help with the passing out of food.

3) Gallons of water and refillable bottles.
Each kid had a close-able, refillable water bottle, and we kept two one-gallon bottles of water in the car. We refilled water bottles at stops. This created far less waste than disposable bottles would have and was more fun. I also found the water tasted less plasticky and was more enjoyable from a reusable bottle.

4) Crayola Color Wonder markers.
My toddler is prone to color on anything within reach, so I bought a travel set of Color Wonder markers for them to use. It was novel, because we haven't used them much at home, and it was neat and clean.

5) Barf bags, emergency clothes, and hand wipes.
I bought a package of emesis bags from Amazon to keep in the car, just in case. I also had each kid pack a full outfit outside the suitcase that we kept in the car just in case a change of clothes was needed quickly. This way, we wouldn't have to dig through suitcases in the trunk to find a change. Fortunately, no one threw up in the car (I attribute this to the fact that we had barf bags available). However, at one of the rest stops on the way home, the toddler fell into a mud puddle and required a change of clothes. Emergency change to the rescue! I also bought a 4-pack of hand sanitizing wipes for the kids to keep near them. These were great for cleaning hands after a snack or after using a gas station or rest stop bathroom with questionable hand-washing facilities.

6) Plan to take much longer than the GPS claims.
Accept that an eight-hour drive may take 10 or 11 hours (it did for us, anyway). Stop when you need to. Use the restroom every time you stop. Eating will take twice as long as you expect. Don't push yourself or the kids. Make everyone (even the babies) get out and run around or move around every time you stop. They're confined in their car seats and need to stretch, too.

And some thoughts for next time:

1) Pack whole outfits in individual bags.
I've heard this suggested and had planned to do it this time but got lazy. Pack individual full outfits in separate bags so that each day the kid can pull out a whole outfit without having to root through the suitcase for what he needs.

2) Bring a collapsible hamper.
If going somewhere where you'll be able to wash clothes, bring a cheap hamper to put dirty clothes in so they don't get all mixed up with the clean ones.

3) Unpack into drawers.
I didn't bother to unpack the suitcases at our destination, but I think it would have been nice to do so. We were there for two weeks, and it got pretty annoying to root through the suitcases looking for clothes. Another option might be for each person to have his or her own suitcase instead of mixing up the clothes.

Do you have tips for accomplishing a solo road trip with kids? Have you tried any of the above tips? How did they work for you?

Adventures with the Toddler in Walmart, or Just Buy the Damn Froot Loops

2014-07-20T17:28:00.000-07:00

We went to Walmart on Sunday. I hadn't been to Walmart in about a year, because there isn't one near me where I live now. But we went on a trip to visit my mom, and there are several Walmarts near her. I wanted to get things we'd need during the trip, and I didn't want to spend a lot of extra money doing so.

I realize a trip to Walmart is fraught with ethical, political, and social justice questions for those of us privileged enough to care about such things, but that's not what this post is about.

This post is about toddler meltdowns and the management thereof.

We needed groceries for the two weeks we're here. We had just arrived on Saturday evening, and the kids were tired, excited, overwhelmed, and a little discombobulated. We didn't change time zones. We didn't leave the state. But it was still different and fun and new and unusual and so they were, understandably, not quite themselves.

Anyway, whenever I take all the kids to almost any store, they get a little nuts.

It was about 11:00 in the morning. The kids usually have a snack around 10:30, but we were going from one errand to the next after having a later-than-usual and bigger-than-usual breakfast, so the snack didn't happen. This matters. A lot.

We got to the peanut butter section. We needed a small jar of peanut butter. My almost-three-year-old, G, picked up a jar - at random! - from the shelf and announced we should get that one. It wasn't the brand I wanted or the type I wanted. It looked like it wouldn't taste good. I showed him the jar I wanted to buy and told him to put away the one he'd picked up.

You know what happened, don't you, if you've ever had an almost-3-year-old who is sleep deprived, hungry, and excited, right?

Yes. He melted down. Screaming, tears running down his face, collapsing to the floor, the works. Could. Not. Handle. It. We had to get this peanut butter. He wanted this peanut butter.

I did not want the peanut butter he had offered. I took it from him and put it back on the shelf, showed him the jar I wanted, and put that one in the cart. We moved on. He followed, still crying piteously. I don't think he even knew what he was crying about anymore.

Then, just as he was calming down from the Peanut Butter Incident, G tripped over his brother's foot, fell, and hit his head on the wheel of the cart. Resume meltdown status! I comforted him as best I could, rubbed the sore spot, tried to settle him back down. I spotted the Parmesan cheese. We needed Parmesan. I didn't particularly care which container of Parmesan we ended up with. G loves his "papajon cheese." I said, "Look! G! Look! What's that up there?" Tears continue. "G! Look! Parmesan cheese! Do you want to pick out the Parmesan?" I was talking in the exaggerated, desperate, high-pitched, overly sweet voice most moms know well, the one that says, "Please, oh please be distracted by what I'm doing so you'll stop crying. Please, please, please!"

No dice. The "papajon" cheese wasn't enough to enable him to get over the Peanut Butter Incident and the Bumping Head On Cart Fiasco.

I chose the obvious Parmesan option and tossed it into the cart and we attempted to move on.

Next came the cereal aisle. I wasn't intending to buy cereal at all, but the kids like it, and when G saw where we were, he finally - finally! - gathered himself and returned to Normal Operating State. Mostly.

He picked up a Family Size box of Froot Loops. Of all the cereals in the aisle, of all the options there, he picked up a Family Size Box Of Froot Loops.

"Mommy, can we get cereal? I want this cereal!" he said, in his impossibly cute little voice.

"No," I started to say. "Let's get - "

He looked up at me with those big brown eyes. Those big brown eyes that said, "You don't want me to melt down again, do you? DO YOU?" Those big, adorable, tired, overwhelmed, excited, hungry, brown eyes, attached to that adorable, tear-streaked face, with that adorable, curly, disheveled, bright orange hair. He looked up at me, clutching the big red box of Froot Loops, the Family Size box of disgusting, sweet, colorful, horrible cereal, and said, "Mommy, I want this cereal!"

My sentence did not end with "Cheerios." It instead switched direction mid-word and became, "Okay. Yes. Let's get that cereal!" And into the cart it went.

That wasn't the end of our shopping trip by a long shot, but it was the end of the meltdowns. There was a minor setback when the question of which chips to buy came up, but we were able to prevent that one from escalating by allowing him to take his sweet time choosing exactly which flavor of Pringles to buy.

(I realize it sounds like we bought a cartful of junk food, but I promise we also bought lots of other stuff. Really.)

Anyone who witnessed only the Cereal Selection Episode and the Pringles Question might think we were indulging our toddler, that we were giving in to his demands, that we were spoiling him. But I hope that most parents would realize that sometimes you give in just to get your shopping done. Sometimes, you want to spare your overwhelmed toddler (and your exhausted self) the stress of yet another tantrum. And sometimes you simply can't reason with, or win against, a toddler on the edge, and it's easier just to buy the damn Froot Loops.

At least he's eaten them for breakfast every morning since.

I'm So Happy My Kids Love Summer Camp

2014-07-15T22:29:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid, I had to go to summer camp. Not being a very outdoorsy or athletic child, I generally hated camp. I didn't like swimming, particularly. I didn't like being outside all day. I didn't like a lot of the group activities we did. I have some good memories, like archery and acting electives, some of the art projects, things like that. But, generally, traditional summer camps and I were not a good match.

There was one year when I attended a youth theater camp. I loved that. I really enjoyed learning about acting and directing a play. I couldn't be in the play because we were leaving camp the day before the performance, but they assigned me the role of Assistant Director. I had a blast. It was indoors and interesting for me, and I was so relieved not to be forced to spend the day in the scorching sun running around and doing crazy team activities I didn't like.

So when my son got old enough to attend summer camp, I had to make a decision. "Make" him go to camp to get the experience, or "save" him from the hell that is summer camp (to me)?

My rabbi and his wife had a small but energetic summer camp that they ran through the synagogue. My son already had quite a few friends in that camp, I was close with the rabbi's wife and trusted her, and they made the camp sound very exciting. They took trips twice a week, went swimming, did lots of different types of activities, and kept the kids very, very busy all day. It sounded like something I would exactly hate, but when I told my son about it, he was excited. He wanted to go. So I signed him up.

He had a blast, and is now attending for a third summer. His younger brother is attending fort he first time this year, and was equally excited. I'm only sending them for a week this summer, and in past years he went for two weeks, but it's a great way to break up the school vacation and give them a new experience.

A bonus to all of it is that it's a Jewish camp, so they are spending the day with Jewish friends, and there is a Jewish element to everything they do. They say a blessing over the food they eat, they learn about Shabbat, they sing Jewish songs, and they foster a love of Judaism. This extra bit is what really sold me, because my kids go to a regular public school, so this is a great boost to their Jewish lives and sense of self.

My kids came back from their first and second days of camp bubbling over with excitement, both for the activities they'd done that day and for those planned for later in the week. The five-year-old was anxious to share his bunk cheer, and the seven-year-old had a whole narrative about what had happened at the pool. They can't wait to go in the morning and are happily exhausted on the drive home.

If my kids ever came to me and said they hated camp, I wouldn't make them go, or I would try to find some other activity or camp that would speak more to their interests. I don't need childcare, although it's nice for them to be able to get out of the house and be with other people besides boring Mommy all day, and I don't want them to grow up resenting those weeks spent in the hot sun. But, conversely, since they do love it, I will make the effort to have them attend every year, so they can grow up with this fond memory and a healthy family tradition.

It's important for us to remember, as parents, that our kids are not us. They will like some things we don't, and they will dislike some things we like. We want to share our positive experiences with them and protect them from negative ones. But my negative experience may not be so for them. And something I loved as a kid may not interest them.

My kids are like me in a lot of ways, but they are also unlike me in many. They are exuberant, friendly, outgoing, and engaging little boys, compared to the shy, introverted, slow-to-warm, timid little girl I was. They like to be in the thick of things, and I liked to be a wallflower. They like new experiences, and I liked the familiar and routine. I want to honor the people they are and help them continue to extend those boundaries and enrich their world.