Awkward Penguin Chronicles

Thoughts on the evolution of work

2021-10-15T16:44:00.000-04:00

I listened carefully yesterday to a group of older people (20+ my senior) speak passionately about how they just can’t get good work done without looking at others and being able to hear their conversations across the room or down the hall, and how they can’t wait to get back to full time office work even thought their jobs don’t require in-person interaction (information jobs).

I can’t relate to this at all, and I am starting to think it is an almost absolute generational divide. There are always exceptions, but I think I and my generation (especially those younger than me) are much more comfortable communicating, collaborating, and creating over telecom than most older people, and that this is not just incidental, or pop culture BS, or whatever. It’s becoming a real drag on the sectors of our economy that have decision makers and hiring managers of the previous generation who are fundamentally missing out on opportunities to hire and retain people who CAN and even LIKE to work remotely, and will do it better than previous generations even think possible. And I am not trying to run anybody down, here. It’s totally understandable that people born before 1975 might have this particular set of skills that make one kind of work environment work really well for them. That’s ok. The only problem is if you think that’s the only way to work effectively because it’s the way you work best, without realizing that effective work environments are influenced and created by people, and as people change (they way we communicate, the tools we use natively, the way we think and process information), those standards change too. It has to be both, and; it can’t be one way or the other, not anymore.

I was really discouraged hearing this echo chamber (and I didn’t feel experienced enough to bring up my point of view, so I perpetuated the echo chamber, unfortunately), because this was a discussion around why these people, hiring managers all, were pretty much refusing to post remote jobs for developers and other IT people. They also defended their decisions to post ridiculous job listings with super specific requirements because they “just don’t have time to teach anyone anything.” That’s a recipe for stagnation in an industry that needs innovative thinkers and fresh ideas to stay relevant (traditional higher education). It SUCKS that training someone in IT in the higher ed environment often means you train someone else’s worker, because that person leaves for better pay after a year. So rather than pretend that’s the worker’s fault and fight it by forcing new workers to fit in an old and inflexible mold, let’s solve that problem by investigating how to compensate those positions competitively, including perks like remote work options, but also just straight up compensating professional experts appropriately and removing unecessary management positions, as well as unecessary physical assets like office space, etc. Traditional higher ed, the kind that takes up brick and mortar space as one of its primary indicators of success *isn’t coming back* the same. Not just from the pandemic, but from fifteen years of ⚡️ fast technological evolution, itself built on sixty years of computer science before that. We need to radically reevaluate what we care about: retaining power as exemplified by the space we own on campus, the control we think we have over workers when we have them all within our sight and earshot, or are we invested in progress, innovation, and creativity however we can get it, wherever we can get it, and whoever we can recruit no matter who they are?

Lifting weights = feeling and accepting emotions.

2013-11-14T09:35:00.001-05:00

Back at work this morning and before things get underway I want to share something:

Yesterday I had a rough day thinking about big, existential things like life, death, love, family, and vitality. Oddly enough, though I am still sensitive about things today, I am able to keep going and feel almost normal. One of the reasons for that is that I let myself feel my emotions yesterday, and I made decisions based on those emotions, and as a result was able to make connections that needed to be made. I didn't push those feelings or big thoughts away because they were too hard.

I did not set out to do that. Let me tell you what kicked it off: I went to the gym like normal, and I began my workout. It was hard. I was in agony, and I felt like I was dying--except in that moment it came to me that this feeling was a lie. I was not, in fact, dying. I know someone who is dying, and I am most definitely alive. I am full of life. As I did my deadlifts and floor sweeps and struggled, I connected my body and my feelings and accepted that someone I love is dying, that I am alive, and that I need to own my own vitality.

I burst into sweaty tears and kind of agonizingly finished my set, and then collapsed onto the floor, suddenly unable to control the rush of grief. Someone I love is dying, and there is nothing I can do about it. I called my boss and told her I could not come in to work because I needed to let this grief run its course. It won't be the last time I see it, but, for now, it has been put in it's place.

I am so glad that I work out. I'm so glad I lift weights. If I did not have that as part of my routine, I may have persisted in some kind of disconnected fog of vague unhappiness and distance from the reality of losing a family member. I may not have made the timely decision to buy a plane ticket and go where I need to be this weekend. Challenging my body, as difficult as it is, has become the best way to stay present and grounded, and to make connections from inside of my mind to the world outside.

Love and cancer

2013-11-13T09:24:00.001-05:00

The thing that matters is to love in such a way that the object of your love feels as if there is nothing that could change that love. It's not fair or just how that love is allotted--some may want love where it cannot be given or not recognize it when it's there, and miss it altogether.

But in a way, a natural consequence of a love like that is to be entirely taken for granted. You will know that you have loved someone that way when they feel so secure in your love they can go out in the world knowing it will be there when they return without even consciously thinking about it. This is typically expressed as parental and familial love--I would never advocate romantic love that receives no acknowledgment or reciprocation, though there are definitely moments when you have to love your spouse this way, too.

You will know you have been loved like that when you lose it, or are about to lose it--I guess that's the twist, huh?

Cancer sucks.

Stop the world; I want to get off.

2013-10-19T11:50:00.001-04:00

Question 1: When can I stop working on self-improvement?

Answer 1: Never. Never, never. Never, ever.

Confession: I am so tired of self-improvement. For the last several years I have been on one self-betterment project after another. Truth is, it has been longer than that. When I was in college, I spent a good deal of time trying to overcome personal obsessions. I tried religion, therapy, friendships, food diaries and exercise plans. I wanted to be a better person. I wanted to stop telling lies--to myself and to others. I wanted to stop hiding behind 100 pounds of excess fat. I wanted to stop stuffing myself with food. I wanted to learn to be kind to others and to encourage people in concrete ways. I wanted to become someone's mate, and a good one, at that. I accomplished some of my goals. More often, I made inroads and realized that I would never quite master my inner demons.

After that, I embarked on a journey of professional self-improvement. Actually, it was more like adding an additional layer to my established self-betterment goals. I started going to school again. I began working up a perpetually lengthening career ladder. Personal setbacks often hampered my professional progress by giving me excuses to delay taking classes. Often I would procrastinate for months before requesting and submitting the right paperwork to complete my next education step. I took out a $10,000 loan for a Master's program I then let a stupid, selfish man convince me I could not complete. After that, I let an educational "professional" convince me not to try to continue the program because of a perceived opinion that my courses would not transfer to another school. I switched my focus to my current job so that I might at least attain better training in the profession that paid my bills, and discovered that I could not start a new program without extensive pre-requisite training and college credits I didn't get in my bachelor's degree program. So I started taking classes, one at a time.

While this was going on, my personal life saw some dramatic improvements. I saw more flaws come out in the bright light of the desire to love a worthy person, and learned lessons in humility and interdependence. My health began to deteriorate in the shadow of these other great works, and so I again tackled my food and exercise problems. Every time I tried to bring another category of goals into the mix, the others suffered. I could not juggle them all. I forgot things. I obsessed over details. I wore myself out trying to remember everything and went through periods of total stagnancy in all areas. I began programming my life and commitments into my smart phone calendar to keep track of them all, and keeping detailed notes on financial due dates so that I would not forget to pay my bills. I tried to make friends and improve my social skills when I recognized the need for a support system, but consistently failed to remember events I'd committed to and often struggled with apathy towards the people I'd tried to get to know. I realized how much I needed and cherished down-time. I realized how much I wanted to be alone, and how little need I have for social interaction. Even in that realization, I saw a challenge; the world does not tolerate the un-social very well. I would have to keep trying to be better than I was, and it would never, ever stop.

Question 2: Why the hell not?

Answer 2: I don't know.

I guess it's because stopping means dying that much quicker. Stopping means being passed over for promotions and that means being supervised in my job by people who are less capable and intelligent than I, and that means bitterness and anger when I go to work. Stopping means letting myself be mean to people I love because I won't think hard enough about improving my verbal filter. Stopping means giving up on being worthy of my husband's adoration. Stopping means not being able to get off the couch without grunting, and not being able to walk up the stairs at work or see the wilderness at a state park. Stopping means eventually needing a seat extender on airplanes and not being able to run alongside a child's bike. Stopping means giving up, and I am already so good at that, I don't need any more practice.

Right now, I want so hard just to curl up with a book and a latte, and just say "fuck off" to the online class I am desperately trying to keep up with. I want to empty out my gym bag for good, pack up all my gear in the spare room and just say "no more" to the massive body aches I have right now from my workout yesterday. I want to forget about eating healthy because I am overwhelmed by even the thought of grocery shopping for good food. I want to forget about pesticides and just buy conventional produce. I want to stop swimming upstream, because I'm just so tired. I'm tired of hurting, failing, and forgetting. I'm tired of emails, notifications, logs and plans. I'm sick of schedules. I won't do any of that, though. No matter how much I want to, I will just keep moving, because I don't want to die. And in the back of my mind, even in my most stagnant and slothful state, I could not enjoy it. I could feel the self-hatred brewing beneath the escapism. I cannot escape my self. I cannot escape my harshest judge, the one who knows that life is only about moving forward, even though that eventually leads to death, too.

So the only secret to not sucking at life is that even when you suck at it you can't stop. I wish I could say that it is easy. It's not. It is hard to care about being better, and know, without a doubt, that your work toward that goal will never end.

From One Year of Marriage

2012-04-16T14:50:00.007-04:00

Today is my one-year anniversary of marriage to my Tim.

We met, as you may know, online.

Our first date was at a friend's party. I met up with him at the local Kroger market as a neutral spot to get a feel for him. Then we went to my friend's house. After a few minutes of newness I sat next to him on the couch and we started talking. Before long, his arm was around me and I didn't mind. You must understand about me that I am not comfortable with much spontaneous physical affection. I am better at it than I was, but I am still awkward with most touch coming from any other than the very closest of friends. I don't come from huggers--my family just isn’t all that effusive with physical affection. So when he put his arm around me and I felt ok, even comfortable, that was something amazing. The night wore on. Eventually we kissed, even though it was accidental, on my part. Not on his--he wanted to kiss me, a lot. He was hoping for the opportunity. Not saying that I didn't want to kiss him, but I hadn't even processed that step as a possibility yet. From there we were inseparable, and I couldn't imagine being apart from him now, even after a year of living in the same house, sharing a sink and a shower, and a refrigerator, among other things.

Even your oddest deficits may be made up in a worthwhile relationship. If you know yourself, you can even predict what kind of person you will be attracted to. Tim allows me and invites me to touch him whenever I want--that's something I have valued my whole life. To be allowed and invited to snuggle, hug, caress, scratch an itch, massage a knotted muscle--that is heaven to me. We need our time alone, away from even each other, for sure, but he doesn't ever turn away a hug, kiss, or touch. I am always welcome to reach for him, even if it is just for a moment.

I never knew, when I was single and searching for love, how much that meant to me. I knew I wanted someone to touch me--but I was wrong. I wanted someone to touch me, but what I really needed was to be allowed to touch someone back, and to have that touch welcomed--not rejected. That meets a very, very old need of mine.

I am so grateful to have met my match in someone as sensitive and caring as Tim. Happy 1 year to us, the sickening ones attached at the hip and loving every minute.

After a long hiatus

2012-04-05T09:32:00.002-04:00

It's been a while since I was here.

See, uh, I have this problem. I guess you could call it my ADD--I have trouble keeping up with more than one stressful thing at a time. On a good day, I can do two or maybe three, but I start to break down after that. Too much to remember, too much to keep track of--I start ignoring, by necessity, the things I can't handle or which aren't essential. Like anything that doesn't involve my job, my husband, or the food and shelter we both rely on. I am not a good multi-tasker. I am good at hyper-focusing on what needs to be done right now, though. So I did.

I bought my house. The whole time, I meant to blog about it. It was, after all, a huge, huge move for me, both personally and financially. I am so grateful for the long, long time I invested in doing the right thing before this, even though it was hard to keep track of my bills and I nearly got derailed by my ex-fiance and our penchant for buying things together which he never intended to pay for. My good credit made the difference in getting the loan I did and buying that house. It paid off. What a relief, actually. For a long time I had wondered when being a good girl was going to get me somewhere.

It was expensive, don't get me wrong. I am now in the red on my balance sheet by more than 100 grand, and thinking about that hurts. I think often about how I need to invest in a retirement plan before it's too late. I think about Roth IRAs and treasury bonds. I admit I am kinda scared to do this. Scared of investing? Yeah. I mean, if my money is in my tiny low-yield savings account, at least I know where it is, right? At least I know where it will be when I wake up tomorrow. That's not an appropriate plan--I know that.

Tim finally got through his probation period on his job and even got a little raise. Having him in my life has made a huge difference. Not for the paycheck, of course, though that helps both of us. We have dramatically bettered our circumstances since we met, mostly by pooling our resources, working together, and being willing to trust each other. That's more work for me than it is for him. I'm not a truster by nature. Having someone who consistently loves me, even if he doesn't always like what I do--that's priceless. For me, knowing that I finally love someone who isn't just sucking that love up and spitting it on the ground is amazing. He's worth it, is what I'm saying. I finally love someone I don't have to hate myself for loving. Anyone who doesn't think this matters is pretty ignorant about the human psyche.

Anyhow, my latest endeavor is this--learn to listen.
It's very basic, I know. I am sure you've all got it mastered.

The gist is this--if I learn to listen to my body, I will feed it and exercise it when I should. I will medicate and baby it when I should. I will test it's limits when I should, and no more than I should so I can stay healthy. I will stop all these things when I should, when my body is done--eating, resting, exercising, being social, whatever. If I listen, that should be the key. (See here for the inspiration) Listening and paying attention are, of course, my weakest areas. Think about it--if you, all your life, listened and listened and tried so hard to pay attention to all the things you were supposed to, and STILL missed half of it, and forgot a good portion of the rest right after you heard it...wouldn't you get discouraged? Wouldn't you learn to cope with that by just not paying attention sometimes? I don't mean consciously, although I have deliberately tuned out before. I mean that the brain gets tired of constantly struggling with something that doesn't pay off. Maybe that doesn't come across the way I mean it. I don't meant that I choose not to pay attention and that's why I am like this. I mean that one came before the other. I mean it's so damn hard to catch what I need to when I need to, and takes so much effort, that I'd honestly rather not. Even if I hate myself later for it. How I cope with the outside world is that I force myself to stop and write things down. I force myself to put things in my calendar right away, even if it's awkward. Otherwise I would be without a job. With me and my body, it is a lot easier to fudge, but I really shouldn't allow that. I need to learn to listen to my body, and pay attention.

Learning to listen to people--of course that's worthwhile. Anyone can see that. I don't need to explain. Listening forces you to stop talking at and forcing yourself on the world and everyone in it. I am not some kind of guru because I understand this, though I can't tell you how many self-help workshops I've seen that try to teach this as if we don't know. Teach me how to make myself do it--now that would be a workshop I'd pay for.

I figured out one reason I love facebook. I love it because I can listen to people without struggling to talk. The statuses scroll down the screen and it is not such an effort to pay attention. Of course, it's a view through a cloudy glass; that's certainly a weakness. I know one thing--if I had to keep up with all the people I like in real life, I would definitely not be able to do it. Debate the pros and cons of that, but facebook lets me pay attention to people at my own pace, and that has helped me to be a better friend. In it's own way, facebook forces me to listen--to whatever it is you're posting. Most people view that as a negative--people can rant on FB without interruption, and sometimes interruption is healthy. I agree, but if you turn it around, it lets people with attention weakness, like me, stay all the way through the performance, so to speak. For better or for worse. It's ok; I'll take the bad with the good.

New Year, New House? Also--WHAT TO EAT, by Marion Nestle.

2012-01-07T14:45:00.001-05:00

Well, well, well....things have been going on around here.

First, and I will write about this in more detail a little later: we are under contract for a house. We are first-time buyers, and haven't closed yet, so things are not set totally in stone, but all things being equal, we should be moving next month. This has been a very weird and amazing experience, and I can't quite write about it yet.

Except to say: it's crazy to be buying a home, which is such a grown-up thing to do, and something I thought I was too poor for. Sure, I am too poor to buy a large home, and I am too poor to buy a home in Southern California, where I grew up, and yes, I am too poor to buy a restored Victorian row house downtown. I am not too poor for a starter house in the suburbs, and, in fact, buying a home like this will save me money in rent AND gas for commuting. This experience has made me think hard about a lot of things. One very certain one is that unless things change a lot back home, I will probably never move back to the L.A. Basin. We COULD, one day, after racking up quite a bit of equity in this home and perhaps going through quite a few pay raises, consider moving to California, with all the expenses that entails. But this much is clear: my cost of living here enables me to have a much higher standard of living than I would in my beloved home state. My money means more, here. Plain and simple. Yes, it's humid in the summer. Yes, it rains a lot, and we do run the risk of hurricanes. Yes, we live in a flood plain (ahem--so do millions of people in the valleys surrounding the Santa Ana and LA Rivers). Yes, mosquitoes bite me frequently. No, there are no 24 hour Starbucks. Yes, the grocery stores sometimes close early. Yes, my immediate family lives on the other side of the country, and sometimes that hurts. The price of financial stability is not one that should be considered lightly, but I made an irrevocable choice 5 years ago to move, and all things considered, it is still the best, albeit most controversial, choice I've ever made.

Second, I am reading an incredibly engaging book called What To Eat, by Marion Nestle, an acclaimed nutritionist and food politics writer. In it, she describes and breaks down the complex choices food shoppers face when walking into a grocery store in America, and the powers of the food industry that create that complex shopping experience. She looks at product placement, pricing, organic certification, ingredients in foods, and seems to be doing what I enjoy most--not directing reader's choices but offering simple-to-understand information so that readers can be better equipped to make their own decisions about what to eat and how to spend their food money. The politics behind the business vying for your food spending are complex and make for compelling reading. I hope to offer some insights from this book and how I attempt to apply them to my life and my food budget on this blog as I read. We shall see. In the meantime, I recommend this book to anyone interested in taking control of his or her own food shopping and consumption. It can directly affect your health and your bank account.

Grown-Up Tips: Dishes

2011-12-19T09:00:00.004-05:00

It's true what your mom said.

They aren't going to wash themselves.

And it only takes 15 minutes or less, usually.

This has been a Grown-Up Tip, brought to you by a reluctant grown-up.

Thoughts from the Road--Joy and Pain

2011-12-18T12:40:00.001-05:00

I went for a run (uh, shuffle) yesterday and today my body is upset with me. I felt good, though, and got a lot of good thinking in while I was out on the road.

my new Adidas running shoes

Road thoughts:

Joy is awesome, and is the kind of feeling that makes you want to stop time, and make a moment last forever. Seriously, and I mean this in the most non-depressive way, joy is a barrier to progress. Joy is pretty much what we are all seeking, and when we find it--whoa, it's like, amazing. Time keeps marching on, though, and acts as a counterpoint to the way joy makes us want to STAY. We can't stay. Time forces us out of these joy-moments.

Discomfort, on the other hand, is the kind of feeling that makes us want to MOVE. In it's way, discomfort is the vehicle of progress. Anyone, if uncomfortable enough, will try to do something to move out of or away from that discomfort, eventually.

I SAY: joy and discomfort are both part of life. Don't ignore the discomfort--let it do its job. Let your discomfort motivate you to MOVE--forward/up/out/on. Uncomfortable right now? In pain? Dissatisfied?? Consider yourself lucky, because this is your perfect opportunity to move and grow, and change things.

Grown-Up Tips: Merging Onto the Interstate or Freeway

2011-12-17T20:58:00.001-05:00

OK, so this isn't really a grown-up tip. It just really annoyed me that I tried to merge onto I-95 this afternoon behind an Expedition going exactly 43 mph.

You just don't hit the end of the acceleration lane at 43 mph. Just don't do it. Ever.

Semi-trucks are the exception. Personal vehicles should be able to get up to about 10-5 miles below the speed limit AT LEAST, if not the actual speed limit at the end of the acceleration lane. If your car can't do it, then stick to the side highways and roads.

Ok, so...grown-ups obey speed laws, and that means speeding up on a high-speed road. That is all.

This has been sort of like a grown-up tip, brought to you by a reluctant and impatient grown-up.

Grown-Up Tips: Pot Lucks and Parties

2011-12-17T09:00:00.001-05:00

If you get invited to a potluck or party:

Bring a dish to the potluck. Bring a host gift to a party. (Unless it is a party with gifts built in, then just be sure to bring an appropriate gift, and you're set.)

If you're used to going to a party with nothing, eating for free, drinking the booze in the fridge and leaving when the conversation starts to bore you, then you're not being a grown-up.

Don't say it costs too much. You can bring Chips and Salsa for less than $5.00.

Thank you. This has been a Grown-Up Tip, brought to you by a reluctant grown-up.

I Dare You Not To Tear Up: College Commencement Ceremonies

2011-12-12T20:25:00.002-05:00

I went to my University commencement on saturday.

I volunteered. As a staff member, that means I wasn't working, and I wasn't getting paid.

I didn't know even half those kids (using that term loosely, since we have a lot of non-traditional students), but it didn't matter. I didn't know any of their families, and that didn't matter either. That room was so full of pride, relief, and hope, it just oozed all over me until I was as caught up in it as the graduates were. I did not expect to have an emotional response, but I did. I did not expect to be inspired, but I was.

College may not be for everyone. I concede that before you even say it. College degrees may not be as specifically valuable as you think they will be when you start college. They are generally valuable, however. Statistically, college graduates make more money and have lower unemployment than non-graduates--regardless of the type of degree obtained. College has been getting a lot of play in politics lately--people are disillusioned about the value and cost of getting a degree, and it's not so clear these days whether or not a college graduate is going to be able to just go out and get a job worthy of that education. In fact, pretty much everyone who graduates now expects to have trouble finding a job, and that pretty much sucks, since at LEAST half of all college graduates are coming out of their programs with student loan debt built into their monthly budgets.

I get all that, and I agree that the outlook is tough. I have to remember, though, the feeling in that arena on saturday. The people in those robes were not people who were jaded and angry, for the most part. They were proud. They were proud that they'd accomplished this monumental task and were about to be awarded a degree for their efforts--a paper that would forever say how hard they'd worked, and open the doors to ever higher kinds of recognition. These were not people who thought all that work was for naught. Their families sure didn't think so.

There is something intangible about successfully completing a college degree. Even if you only half listened to lectures and skimmed most of the chapters in almost every book, I guarantee you that you would not leave empty-handed from that experience. Even if your degree is in something esoteric or technical down to the tiniest minutiae, you will have gained more than just that special knowledge when all is said and done. What you get from college, if you participate at all, is CONTEXT.

context (ˈkɒntɛkst)--n

1. the parts of a piece of writing, speech, etc, that precede and follow a word or passage and contribute to its full meaning: it is unfair to quote out of context

2. the conditions and circumstances that are relevant to an event, fact, etc [C15: from Latin contextus a putting together, from contexere to interweave, from com- together + texere to weave, braid]

Notice the Latin origin--to put together or interweave. Context is essentially the circumstances around facts or events which contribute to the meaning or significance those facts or events have.

College, with all of it's reading, analysis, discussion and interpretation, is in the business of teaching people how to find meaning in and inject meaning into historical and current events, and then, of course, to make decisions or take action based on that meaning or context. College expands your horizons, teaches empathy and critical thinking, and tries to force you to see the world from outside your little box of personal experiences. Even math and science courses do this by insisting on the practical application of their theories and formulas on the natural world, and in society. Calculus may be nothing to you until you take Business Calculus and suddenly see how you can use it in your professional endeavors. In the right context, it is invaluable to you.

What I saw when I looked over the faces of those graduates was a crowd of people who all had been given the chance to learn about what all this means. A chance to learn, and a chance to become a part of the forward progression of society--a chance to make things better. I'm smart enough to know that a good number of those people probably won't do much that's special or extra meaningful to the world as a whole, but they could, if they wanted. They're better positioned to make an impact than they were before they went to college, and that's why we should keep going. Because learning about the world, the people in it, and how to find meaning in the spaces in between--that is never a step in the wrong direction.

Here's to college--and to maintaining access for all those who wish to add context to their lives.

Congratulations, graduates.

Love-By hand, part 2

2011-04-20T08:54:00.001-04:00

These are some of the other creations: Handstamped napkins, invitations & RSVP cards, all my original designs, except where I used stamps, and I think that is fairly obvious. Someone else made that stamp. I got them for a super cheap clearance price, so that means something, right?

Love--by hand.

2011-04-20T08:40:00.001-04:00

These are some of the things I designed and made by hand for my wedding.
Bridesmaid Bouquet:

table decorations: made of orphan punch-bowl cups, fabric flowers and dried spanish moss.

More Bouquets

Boutonierres

Centerpieces: terra cotta pots, fabric flower bunches, Spanish Moss

A very different place...January 2011

2011-01-02T09:36:00.000-05:00

So, after breaking up with my last boyfriend, I gave up on love and went back on plentyoffish.com for...dating. Just to combat the loneliness, to be very frank. Well, I ended up finding a lot more than that.

I don't have time to go into it, but here's the update: Christmas 2010, I got engaged to the sweetest, cutest and funniest guy I've ever met. He and I go together like peanut butter and jelly. It's cosmic and perfect and just plain lucky that we came across one another, and I wouldn't trade anything that led up to it, even the yucky stuff. I finally have someone who loves me like I love him, and though it won't always be a walk in the park, my money is on it lasting a long, long time.

So to begin my next phase of blogging: I am doing a 365 project. It started January 1, 2011, and today is the first post, because I forgot to actually post it yesterday.

That is my engagement ring, and the hand it is sitting in, as an offering, is my fiance's hand--worn and rough from his job turning wrenches. Enough said.