…And just when things are starting to look up, just when I think things are finally going my way, just when I think life is turning out how I have prayed for so many years… a huge boulder drops smack down in the middle of the clear beautiful road.

So now what?

It is too heavy to lift

I can’t squeeze past it even though I keep trying… SO HARD

I can’t seem to jump over it because every time I try I slid right back down on my bum

I can see light, so I havent lost all hope

But I can’t see whats on the other side, So I get frustrated and I cry… A LOT

I know it’s not the end, But I’m growing tired and weak and I’m losing grip

I search and pray and gain strength only to  fall again

I’m broken and bruised

I want to say I quit, But if I do I will never know whats on the other side

I keep praying that God will break in and break me free

But im feeling tested, He’s not going to move this heaviness until I remember that he is the only one that can get me past it

So right now im just camping out, until I can hear clearly

I am an extremely passionate person

I only get emotional in certain situation… Not the ones normal people get emotional in

I remember when  I was a kid I would have this over flowing emotional burst inside of me sometimes for no reason at all, that I had no idea how to process

I would cry uncontrollably over nothing, I would fight or scream or get upset over dumb stuff

I realized recently as I read a book that talked about music therapy that I dealt with emotions I never had anything to release into

I was home schooled… I didn’t get to play sports, I didn’t get to be in theater plays, I didn’t get to learn to play any instruments, I took voice lessons for 1 year and that was about it

I have little to no creative energy as a result, in fact I don’t know how I ever was a cosmetologist… Maybe that’s why I don’t still do it?!?

My over flowing passion has caused me to have un realistic expectations on my self and other people

On a recent “DNA” test my emotional control came back at a 9 out of 10, I’m very stoic

 My creativity a 2 out of 10, I can’t think out side of the box

My versatility level came back at a 9 out of a 100- That basically means I can never act like anyone but myself I guess that’s a good thing

So my question is… If I have spent 30 years not knowing how to pour my emotion into something other than people, is it still possible for me to find something to get excited about and pour my energy into?

How do I determine what that is?

It was more of a ‘ do as I say, not as I do” situation.

I’m the kind of person that needs to understand the whys.

Unless I am in a safe situation with people I trust I don’t usually have much of a opinion on things. I am usually the girl who goes with the flow.

Unfortunately I think this has struck the insecurity string in my systems of thinking and feeling.

I sat in a conversation last week that I was told I need to speak up more and not be afraid of the response. That I need to bring new things to the table and make myself shine/stand out.

SHINE … STAND OUT ! That freaks the crap out of me.

My therapist is going to have a field day with these comments next week.

In every situation I almost always have a “WHY” I need answered and when it is not answered I get so frustrated.

I’ve been trying to dig a little deeper on this, is it sinful to always need my whys answered?

So I need your help!

Do you ask why a lot?  If so, if it doesn’t get answered do you get frustrated and or how do you handle it?

I need your help!

I plan to buy the IPad 2 this week.

But here is my question….

If you have the 3G one how often do you really use it that you couldn’t just use the WIFI?

Would the one with WIFI only be good enough?

I have an Iphone for work and an Android for my personel phone. I have Verizon Service on Both.

So I guess I wonder if I can get on the internet on my phone anytime would I need it on the IPad also?

Let me know your thoughts. I plan to buy it this week while I am in KY ( Tax is cheaper

When we were kids our Birthdays were the only time that life was all about us for just a little while. We got our favorite treat every year –  DQ Ice Cream Cake – I don’t really like cake much so this was a great treat!

I don’t think I am a selfish person at all. I love doing nice things for other people all the time. I try my hardest to make others feel special as much as I can.

But when my Birthday comes along I will spoil myself to death. Because its my 30th and it only happens once I may have went a little over board this year…

From my Trip to Paris with My sister in a Month, to a new watch, tattoo, clothes, shoes, & concert tickets… I just kept having one thing else on my mind.

I’m 30 and I want a child. So because I have decided that having one of my own at this moment is not in the plans, I would adopt in the most fitting way possible.

Welcome my Compassion Child, Asly Soad Ferrufino Velásquez from Honduras into my life! She has beautiful long dark curly hair, she is 4 years old and gorgeous tanned skin. I picked her from Honduras because I plan to meet her very soon. Since Cross Point does a missions trip there I thought this would be a perfect match.

So until there is someone to spoil me I will continue to spoil myself and this amazing deserving little girl!

Picture to come soon!

If you have a Compassion Child, Please tell me about it!

I don’t think I have ever been very afraid to hand my heart over to something I feel strongly about, however that doesnt mean that it doesnt comes with strings of insecurity that need to be cut.

Life is about so many moments intertwined and woven through and if we were able to choose them all, it would be much less exciting.

But wouldn’t it be great if you were starting a new relationship, job, friendship and could look six months down the road and see how it looks?!? I mean I don’t need to see the end I just want to see the transitions.

 That would help me know if it is good for my heart or not right???

But so often in life we find ourselves at the wait and see moments.

I am probably in ONE  of the most torturing “Wait and See” moments of my life.

I am also at the most challenging when It comes to trust.

Trying to rest in God at this moment seems to have become even more challenging.

So what does it mean to Wait and See….

Genesis 49:18

I wait in hope for your salvation, God.

Psalm 119:166

I wait expectantly for your salvation; God,  I do what  you tell me.

Romans 8:25

But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our Expectancy.

Romans 8:19

The created world itself can hardly wait for whats coming next.

Lamentations 3:25

God  proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the women who diligently seeks.

Man that last one crushes me! Praying we all get better at the Wait and See game!

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
And though I may not look like much
I’m yours
And though my edges may be rough
And never feel I’m quite enough
It may not seem like very much
But I’m yours

You heeled these scars over time
Embraced my soul
You loved my mind
You’re the only angel in my life
The day news came my best friend died
My knees went week and you saw me cry
Say I’m still the soldier in your eyes

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
And though I may not look like much
I’m yours
And though my edges may be rough
And never feel I’m quite enough
It may not seem like very much
But I’m yours

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
I know I don’t fit in that much
But I’m yours 

– The Script

This song has been crushing me this week. We so often forget that God loves us just the way we are. We were created in his image and if we go to him he will take care of our needs and forgive our sins.

I’m trying to remember he loves me just the way I am! You should do the same

I have gained a lot of confidence in areas of my life in the last few years, but there is still a few that I need to work on.

I have processed a lot of areas in my life that I knew needed to change.

Relationships, friendships… Some of them needed to change for me to live a healthier, more trusting, more confident life.

I had to find out who I was –  Not who I was because of other people.

I had to learn boundaries

I had to learn to not let others actions feed insecurities in my life

I had to learn that If  I wanted to love someone truthfully/ faithfully -I had to let others go

I had to learn that not everyone needs to be in my life -But that I can pray for them always

I had to learn what part of my heart to give away and what part to hold on too

I had to learn to trust God with all of it

“He draws the horizon out over the ocean, sets a boundary between light and darkness” Job 26:10

The darkness is a scary place, but trusting God to get you through it is the only way. I have been praying over my dark place all week.

Praying for peace and hope…For confidence and security…For love and faithfulness…and to guard my heart

How do you get past your insecurities?

I started this post with another word on my mind and as I carefully pondered over it for a day I realized I needed to focus on one word that has been a big struggle for me over the last few years. As much as I don’t think being committed to things is a problem for me, I slowly searched my memory and found that several things I have a hard time with all lead back to being committed.

 I want to be committed to

• My Time
• My Relationship with God
• My Boyfriend
• My Relationships with friends and family
• My Church
• My Job
• My Finances
• My Heart
• My Health

This Scripture is perfectly fitting to my heart…

“Servants in the church are to be committed to their spouses, attentive to their own children, and diligent in looking after their own affairs.” 1 Timothy 3:12

In years past I have always started my year out with a song. I don’t have one picked  for this year just yet, so I thought I would join my friends in the quest to focus on just One Word.

I pray Gods wisdom and grace as you choose your word and try to focus on it this year!

What is your one word?

September

• First trip to CheekWood and a canoe trip with the family on  Labor Day weekend
• Pat Green Concert

October

• Catylist in Atlanta
• All for the Hall Concert with Friends
• Trip to Orlando with the family to Disney and Epcot
• Wes and Amy’s Wedding
• A very fun night out for Halloween

November

• Got to go on a work trip in TX- First time in TX
• Worship Night at Crosspoint
• NeedToBreath Concert
• A Fun night out with Friends before Thanksgiving
• A fun Thanksgiving with my church family
• Opryland hotel with Lisa and family
• Nov 30th Started talking through text with the person that is turning out to be best friend ever

December

• Went to the parade with friends
• Went on possibly my last first date – Bowling
• Michael Buble’ Concert
• Jenni’s christmas party
• Double Date with my old roomie and her husband
• SammyMac turned 3
• Fell in Love
• Lisa’s Surprise Birthday Party
• Dave Barnes Christmas Concert
• Garth Brooks Concert
• Christmas Eve serving with my family at Crosspoint
• New Years Eve and my cousin’s wedding in WI with all of my friends and my boyfriend- Perfect Night

It’s amazing how fast things can change. 2010 finished out strong and I cant wait to see what 2011 holds.

Whats your favorit memory from 2010?