Jessy Delfino's Blog

2012-02-11T12:42:00.004-05:00

Here I am at Rubulad a few years ago, dressed kind of like a more downsy Britney Spears-y

Attention all "Rubu-lads"
Tonight is RUBULAD!

For those of you who like to go to parties and have fun in NYC, perhaps the Meatpacking District or Midtown or Lower East Side is your thing. And all of those are fine options, especially if you're a jock, a jock or a jock. But if you have never been to Rubulad yet, get your butt out to Brooklyn tonight. Below are some FAQ/C's: (Frequently Asked Questions / Complaints):

"But I hate going to Brooklyn"

We all do. Get in a cab with three friends, split the cost unless there's one rich friend with you who just always treats and consider it the best $3 you ever spent on public transportation.

"But it's in Brooklyn"

Manhattan on a Saturday night is pretty beat. If you're a real New Yorker, you know to go out on Wednesday or Thursday night when all the Jersey-ites are still in Jersey. It's in Brooklyn for a reason - to avoid the mess that is Manhattan on a Saturday night.

"But I hate hippies"

You got me there, you may stumble upon some hippies. But that is part of the beauty of this party, it's a real rainbow of personalities and there's literally something/one for everyone.

"I was just probably gonna stay home"

You should definitely just stay home.

"How much does it cost?"

From the facebook invite: "10 beans before 11:00 pm or way late; 15 in costume all night; 20 otherwise.

"What should I wear?"

The FB invite says, "Dress leather and lace, goggles and jiggles, bad boys and motorcycle mamas." But I strongly recommend and suggest letting your utter freak flag fly. Wear stuff that's too small, painted by hand, barely considered clothing or just be the yuppie you are and show up in a button down polo and pay the extra $5 to be a gawker at the party parade that is Rubulad.

"Is it fun? Will there be a lot of people there? What kind of people?"

It is fun. It is an NYC adventure, of old school proportions. Don't be underwhelmed by the "65 people going" tab, there will probably be about 500 people there, without exaggeration. There will be clever alcoholics, master jenga players, famous burlesquers, inventive drop outs, cat doctors, blind trumpet players, psychadelic kazoo makers, shady business women, oblivious mouth breathers, handsome Yale graduates, goth chefs, professional dog walkers, food painters, Atkins nutritionists, nouveau flappers and many other archetypes still yet to be uncovered.

"Will you be performing, Jessica?"

Yes. At midnight.

"Where can I find out more information?"

Great question. Check out the FB page HERE, also, here's the blurb from Jeff Stark's NonsenseNYC mailing list. If you are not on this mailing list, join it today. It's free and awesome. All details, including address and more are below. See you tonight!

***** Also on SATURDAY *****

Rubulad Presents: Va-Va-Vroom Valentine's

A sweet and dirty dance party with motorcycles. With live music by Lady Rizo and the Assettes, Viva's Rock 'n' Roll burlesque featuring Clams Casino and Anita Cookie. In the Motocross Lounge: Jessica Delfino, Kelvin Daly, and X and Y. Your DJs: celebrity DJ couple Shakey and Barney Iller and Reaganomics.

Plus G. Scopitronic's Non-Stop Slutty Biker Film Fest, Light Circus Extraordinaire by Norm Francoeur, Hot F***ing Tamales, Laura MacMillian's Monster Puppet Burlesque, and Delicious Dub Pies.

Dress leather and lace, goggles and jiggles, bad boys and motorcycle mamas. Our rules apply.

523 3rd Avenue between 12th and 13th streets, Brooklyn
10p doors, 11p show; $10 before 11p or way late, $15 in costume all night, $20 otherwise

2012-02-10T13:56:00.011-05:00

*above graphic from NewYork Magazine*

The Verdict is in:
Apotheke sucks
(and it's probably not even very good at doing that)

Last night, some friends called me and asked me to meet them at a bar in my neighborhood. I wasn't really up for going out, but since it was just a few blocks away at a new bar I'd never been to, I was like, hey, why the heck not.

So I put on a semi-slutty outfit, because that's what I wear on Thursdays sometimes, and hiked over to said joint to have a look see. I'd heard of Apotheke before, because I read and pay attention to stuff and I like to do and see new things. When I got to the door, a giant man stood waiting for my ID, I presumed. I said hello and started digging in my purse to find it. He said, "It's too crowded inside, so you'll have to wait until some people come out before I can let you in." I tried to explain that my friends were already inside with a table and had a seat ready and waiting for me. He rolled his eyes and said, "That's fine, but you still have to wait." If it had been a warm evening, or if there had been people walking around to talk to, or if the bouncer had even been nice, I might have just waited. But it was absolutely freezing, and my friends were inside, expecting me. So I said, "Can I please just go in? I live in the neighborhood. I'm your neighbor." A woman smoking a cigarette nearby said, "I had to wait to get in, too." I said, "I appreciate that, but that doesn't make me dislike waiting in the freezing cold any less while there are people inside waiting for me."

I grew up in Maine and was cold for most of my life. If there's one thing I don't like as an adult, it's having my lady parts frozen together like some kind of disturbing popsicle.

I texted my friends that I was outside, but that I couldn't get in. My friend came to the door and said, "That's our friend, we have a table, can she come in?" He said, "You have to wait." Maybe 10 minutes passed, and a few people came out. The bouncer ID'd me and I went in. It was, in a word, annoying. It was even more irritating to find that the place was not packed at all, but that it was, in fact, quite sparse.

As I settled in and ordered a $15 drink, my boyfriend texted that he was going to come and meet us. I knew he was not going to like waiting in the cold line any more than I had. I texted back, "text me when you get close by". I figured perhaps I could sweet talk the bouncer into letting him in. But he didn't text as he got close, he texted me from the door, "There's a line, stuck waiting in the cold". I got up and went to the door, pushed it open and said to the bouncer, "That's my boyfriend, can he just come in? We already have a table and a drink waiting for him." The bouncer said, "Sorry, everyone has to wait, it's too full--" I cut him off, saying loud enough for everyone in line to hear, "That's stupid. It's not full in there. It's not even kind of full. We are neighbors of this bar. You're alienating your regular local clientele, that's dumb and rude." At this he replied, "Go inside before I have to ask you to leave." I am my fiery mother's fiery daughter. I ducked back inside and went to find a manager. I'd had it with this empowered asshole. My phone buzzed a text. "I left" my boyfriend's message stated. "Not standing in the freezing cold for this bullshit." How could I blame him?

I was pretty livid at this point. What exactly was the bouncer trying to prove? Maybe the bar told him to make people wait to create the facade of a VIP atmosphere. But all it did was make my group of friends and I irritated that we couldn't just all come out and have a nice drink, and instead had to have the frustrating, agitating dilemma of simply getting everyone in past the door asshole. In Chinatown! In the neighborhood I live in and have helped support and build for the last six years with my rent, my tax dollars and the money I spend to live here. I explained the situation to the person I was directed to, and he said, "Tell him to come back and I'll tell the bouncer to let him in," which was actually a really nice of him. He could have been an asshole, too, and frankly, I was surprised that he wasn't. But it was too late. My boyfriend had already jetted and was at another bar where he was getting treated not even with any kind of respect or superiority, but just not like an asshole.

I've lived in this area for about 6 years and I've seen some changes. That's how it is in NYC. But treating your neighbors poorly? That's just bad business. Not only am I a neighbor, but I should get cuts from local businesses for how much I refer people to places around here via my friends who come over, my blog, when I'm on stage and elsewhere. I love to give praise to people and businesses who deserve it, and I love to complain when they are doing something wrong.

We finished our drinks and left, having spent $100 on five drinks for the first and last time there.

Here's my honest review of the bar, outside of my angered self: It's a cute place. It's comfortable and warm, and pretty people hang out there. That's where the good part ends. The drinks were kind of tasty but not that great that they should make people wait like communist Russians to get one, and they were not that strong. They were also way over priced at $15 -- in Chinatown! That's the glory of Chinatown, it's not expensive. Why would you want to come down to old dirty awesome Chinatown to get overcharged at a yuppie bar? That's not what Chinatown's about at all. And they spell their name with a dumb apostrophe above one of the e's. They should really relocate to the Meatpacking District or the Upper East Side or Jersey or something where they belong and would probably really flourish. I will honestly never drink there again, unless someone who really wants to go for some reason is paying for my drinks, and if that happens, I'll really try to talk them out of going. They got the last dollar out of me that they will ever get. I don't expect them to last, based on the reviews they got and the way they treat their clientele.

As I left, I drunkenly said to the bouncer, "I told on you, and I'm never coming back to this over priced snotty dump." He rolled his eyes again and responded, "See you next weekend." He really didn't get just how insulting he had been to paying customers. It was just crazy.

Some short little Mexican man standing next to him said, "God bless you," and I yelled back, "I'm blessed, I don't need God to bless me," and strolled off like an *only slightly* drunken imbecile, into the night.

And the moral of the story is that we, as a society, are all assholes, every one of us.

If you really want an awesome and not over priced drink made really cleverly by a smart, funny, not snobby bartender "apothecary style", go to White Star Bar on Essex St between Hester and Canal. The place probably won't be around for much longer. It's cozy, easy and lovely. The people are way nice, it's rarely crowded except on weekends and the vibe is warm and welcoming. My (and surely, most people's) kind of place!

2012-02-03T01:16:00.003-05:00

STILL ON THE WEIGHT WAGON

so far, so good

Put your hands up in the air if you're also a 5'9" amazonian woman who weighs a whopping 155 pounds.

And then try bending down and touching your toes.

Repeat about 10,000 times, because no matter what your flattering, probably also a few pounds overweight friends say, you are at least a little bit chunky. And by you, I mean me.

It's called projection, and it works. I'm still on my dietary kick, and last I weighed myself, I was 155 pounds, which means I've lost 5 pounds. Only 20 to go.

If you're just tuning in, I'll reiterate my goofy plan. I have a goal this year to lose 25 pounds. I don't expect it to happen over night, and I don't expect it to be easy, and I don't expect it to happen at all. But that's the goal and the plan, and if I wanted it as much as I wanted to eat ice cream for breakfast and pasta for dinner every night, I'd be 130 pounds in a week.

If you think I sound like I'm out of my mind, consider this - first of all, I partially am, but not in a bad way, in a kooky artist way. Second of all, I saw a hire notice today for models that had to be at least 5'9" and between a size 0 to 4. 0 to - YES YOU READ CORRECTLY - 4. That means that if, say, they're one of those taller 5'11 models, they could be a little fatter, say a size 3 or 4, because you can't lose bone, no matter how much you starve yourself. Therefore, someplace in the world, there are a mass of 5'9" women are a size 0, and I want to be a member of that massless mass.

I'm willing to share what I'm learning and gathering so all you "skinny girls" and "skinny boys" can lose the weight that you want to lose. I don't want to hog all the tips! I don't think I'm obese, I don't think I'm fat, I don't have body image problems. I think I'm hot, and that line should be read with the cadence of one of those chicks from the Maury Povich show. But I also think that I eat like shit, and if I ate a little better in general, surely the weight would melt off. That's my hypothesis, so let's see if it pans out.

I want to add that I've been on this diet since Jan 1 and I've lost 5 pounds in a month. That's a very low and safe amount, I believe. I think some nutritionists would advise against losing more than a couple pounds a week. I've been making mistakes. I've eaten sweets. I have been eating at restaurants. But I have been cutting back here and there and it's made a noticeable difference.

Today, I will share bona fide guaranteed suggestions of things absolutely not to eat under really almost any circumstances. When I say don't eat them, I mean, don't eat them. But if you must eat them, fine, just don't be a jerk about it, don't put them into daily rotation, and get off your ass the next day, like, a lot.

Foods To Avoid

Bread: Do not eat it. Ever.

Why: Because it is white, high-fructose-y carbs. Even much wheat bread is mostly sugar, the bad kind, and even that good hearty yummy brown nutty bread still contains fructose and empty carbs. Avoid bagels, crackers, granola, cereal, most kinds of pasta and anything white. Avoid it all. Avoid it like it has AIDS.

What to eat instead: Nothing. Air. Communion wafers. If you are really dying for some bread, stop being a baby, wrap your sandwich fixins up in a big ol' slab a' green lettuce and eat the crap out of that crap.

Ice Cream: Don't even mess around with it.

Why: This is a no brainer. If someone has to tell you why you shouldn't eat ice cream if you are trying to watch your weight or improve your health, you probably already have diabetes.

What to eat instead: Mix frozen fruit in a blender with a small amount of rice milk or non-fat non-dairy creamer and one packet of splenda. Blend. If you mix the parts right, it will come out the consistency of frozen baby shit and will make your chubby little day. You can eat that with a spoon for breakfast, lunch and dinner, or until you experience kidney failure from lack of actual nutrition.

Potatoes: Yes, I'm serious.

Why: They are kind of like bread masquerading as a vegetable; a wanna be, if you will. Don't eat most kinds of potatoes in any form, including potato chips, french fries, potatoes au gratin, potato latkes, McDonald's hash browns, smashed potatoes, or potato salad, also known as, "the fat man's salad" or "not a salad".

What to eat instead: Not other types of potatoes. If you're dying for a potato, eat a small baked sweet potato with some yogurt on it, which is kind of the same as wanting a cupcake but instead eating a literal piece of homeless person feces. That's what people like you and I get for being in possession of an average metabolism.

Pasta: It's a no brainer.

Why: Pasta is kind of like the bread of Italian people, and they typically also eat their own brand of Italian bread with it. If you're doing the math, that's bread with a side of bread. (See above for why not to eat bread, and don't eat bread.) Pasta and noodles are in virtually everything, it seems, from soups to spaghetti to being the only thing in your boyfriend's cabinet, so it's hard to avoid it, but if you want to live to be older than 50, don't eat pasta or noodles, and especially not oodles of noodles.

What to eat instead: Your significant other's bathing suit areas, which I might add are not calorie free, but pretty darn close to it.

Anything from McDonalds, toxic chemicals: Don't eat toxic chemicals.

Why: Fast food is processed using literally some of the same chemicals and poisons that people use to clean their houses, which are illegal to sell for consumption in most arenas, for obvious reasons. Would you eat chlorine from the bottle that's been sitting untouched under your bathroom sink since you first moved in to your unkept apartment? No, so then why eat it as an ingredient in your food, ya dumb ding dong? Don't eat poison.

What to eat instead: Tree bark, small pebbles, grains of sand, and anything else on the PICA menu, the disease that people have who eat cigarette butts and couch cushion stuffing.

Cheese: Irresponsibly, that is.

Why: This is a controversial one, but since you can't eat cheese like a responsible human being based on the bean bag chair's worth of additional flab attached to your stomach, then no cheese for you. While we're at it, let's cut out most dairy. No milk, cream, sour cream or butter either, because it goes straight to your fat.

What to eat instead: Yogurt, those round wheels of cheese like cheeses that have 35 calories each (one per meal), baby bellas, low fat cheese sticks, orange things, things that smell like socks, socks.

What CAN you eat, you may be asking? If removing the food items above from your diet has left your cupboard bare, you are so in luck. There are literally thousands of things not on your daily menu that actually taste quite good and are rather satisfying, including:

Steamed cauliflower with hummus, spinach salad with walnuts and cranberries, a spoonful of jam in lowfat cottage cheese, an entire jar of salsa with a spoon (heat it up for a hot, spicy soup), pasta sauce on a normal person's portion of whole wheat pasta, steamed chinese broccoli with soy sauce, black bean soup made from cooking black beans with a small amount of butter or margarine, blending and then eating with a generous scoop of lowfat yogurt on top, lean chicken, fish or beef, lettuce wraps with any of the above food items on them and so much more. If you're at a lack for healthy food items, google "things I can eat and not get fat eating" and have yourself a schmorgasbord.

Good luck!

2012-01-25T13:41:00.004-05:00

FOOD WARNINGS

When I was in the UK a few years ago, I noticed there were warning labels on the cigarette packages. It was pretty hard not to notice them, in fact. They featured graphic images of charred body parts and rotting teeth, with a sans serif font that said something simple, like, "Warning: Smoking Causes Cancer".

Excepting a rare scenario of a person who just never, ever read or listened to anything ever, most people probably already know that. But something about seeing that disgusting imagery really drives it home for others. Personally, it didn't affect me much. What made me quit or greatly reduce smoking anyway (I admit, I'm known to puff puff pass a "bone" as my mother lovingly refers to it, now and then) was my Grandfather, a life long smoker, contracting emphysema. I didn't quit because I was afraid I might get emphysema, or because I thought smoking would reduce that chance, I quit to honor and respect the memory of someone now gone who I still love and miss every day, very much.

I heard warning labels were coming to the US but I haven't even really seen a pack of cigarettes in so long, I don't know if they feature labels or not. But I had an idea -- if putting warning labels on cigarettes works, maybe it could also help for food -- something I am very much addicted to. I used my old college art skills to whip up a few mock labels:

As 2012 shuffled in, I confirmed my own food addiction. I've been a comfort eater since way back. My sisters and I weren't allowed to eat sugar very much as kids, because we would just get too crazy if hopped up on high fructose. But as I got older and could make my own decisions, I rebelled in a sense, and ate a lot of candy, and started wearing white all the time, two things we weren't allowed to do, in an attempt to find control in my adult life.

So it's slightly ironic that I turn the tides in an attempt to try to regain control which I don't need to fight for anymore: I've decided I Will Lose 25 Pounds This Year.

25 big ones! Now if you look at me, I'm not an obese or even a fat person. Most would refer to me as "medium" or "average", I've also heard "big boned", "stocky", "athletic", "curvy" and "built like a brick shit house".

So, why lose this weight?

- Practicality. I don't need it. I'm not running marathons on a regular basis. My home is equipped with a heating system, albeit not a great one, I can just 'put on a sweater' as dad's hearty dad voice still echoes through my head when I get chilly. I'm not eating for 2, at least, not officially. I'm not a wrestler or a pro-athlete. I'm a musician and entertainer, and I don't know if any of you have turned on the TV any time recently, but there are not that many fat people in lead roles of important shows.

- Vanity. I don't want it. I have a pair of really cool Diesel jeans in my closet that I've never been able to wear because they are too small. I want to wear them before they go out of style.

- Health. If you don't know it yet, eating like an asshole kills. Unfortunately, it's cheaper to eat like a shit head than it is to eat responsibly. Places like Trader Joe's are blasting that baloney out of the water by offering reasonably priced sensible food options.

- Irrational fears. I re-watched "Silence of the Lambs" and I saw the Wild Bill scene, where he asks his poor victim, "Are you a size 14?" I realized, "Oh, no -- I'm just a few sizes away from being big enough that a man could wear me as a shirt".

- I need material for a new show. As a performer, I think this could be something fun to do and turn into a show. Who knows, if it turns out awesome, maybe I'll even take "I Will Lose 25 Pounds This Year" to Edinburgh. Perhaps it's not brand new territory, but I can put my own Delfino spin on it.

I'll keep you posted on my progress. So far, my plan is to monitor everything I put into my body and ask myself why I'm doing it. Is it because I'm hungry? Lonely? Craving something? It may seem like some real "white shit" to do, but dag blasted, I'm white, and that's the kind of shit I do. White shit.

I'm 160 pounds at my last weighing. At the end of this, I hope to be 135, which is no where near as skinny as the models at 5'9" are, but it's a good start, and I plan to do it without being anorexic. Mission: Impossible? Let's see what happens.

2012-01-19T00:20:00.005-05:00

Update on my Video Project

a sneak peak still of Seth Herzog as "the robber"

It wouldn't be a video shoot and this wouldn't be NYC and I wouldn't be Jessica Delfino if this were a perfect and flawless endeavor. This project started out as a relatively benign 2012 resolution slash motivator and has turned into something of a super challenge, which is different and much less funded than a super PAC.

I've got a lot on my plate. This time, I may've bitten off more than I can proverbially chew, (2nd food metaphor in as many sentences) and that's coming from an Italian girl with a big mouth who loves to eat and hates portion control.

This is why so many artists live tortured existences and often die mysteriously in the night of drug overdoses and alcohol poisoning, not that you need to worry about that happening to me, not that you're worrying. I don't drink much and I don't use any drugs -- any more, unless you count pot brownies once every few full moons -- I sure don't count it. I'm more likely to get hit by a truck or get rebelled upon by my own vital organs.

If you have a day job, count your blessings, to some extent. You have a regular pay check, you probably have something that resembles health insurance, and you have some kind of accountability, which encourages you to show up on time. Sure, maybe your co-worker is a knob polisher, but hey, sometimes knobs need polishing. Accountability may not seem like such a pro, but believe me, sister, it is. Some days, I don't even have an actual reason to get out of bed, except that I have creative projects to tend to, or I want a Fresca.

I can't really complain, it's a good life. I work from home slash on stage, I spend my days giving birth to all my crazy little ideas (I make the octomom look like an amateur), I have a musical instrument in my hand for much of the day and my cat, though she doesn't love me as much as rely on me to open cans for her, is soft and shows me love by sleeping on my lap while I work.

Can anyone say "living the dream?"

I think I'm starting to feel a bit depressed because this past week has been really intense. I've been in front of my computer for most of the day for the past week, watching my own disappointed face with disappointment on my face. It's like an M.C. Escher painting. Seriously, though, no one should have to look at themselves for an extended amount of time. It's like water torture. Also, it's cold, and I don't like it when it's cold. Winter is Mother Nature's version of PMS.

The good news is, the deadline to deliver this video is rapidly approaching, and after I am done with this, it'll be time for the next project to begin -- I think it's planning a summer tour, but you never know with me. I could very well just go up onto the roof, spread my arms out wide and go where ever the wind takes me. Metaphorically, I mean, not literally. I'm talkin' bout being free, man, like a bird 'n shit. Going where the cool breeze blows. Summer will be here soon to banish the cold grip of the Winter-y sleep and I will ride it's coattails to someplace inviting and inhabitable.

Hang in there, and wish for me to do the same!

PS -- Read up on SOPA / PIPA and do whatever you can do. Also, don't forget to spay and neuter your pets. I'm Bob Barker, and you're watching The Price Is Right.

2012-01-12T11:05:00.004-05:00

New Video Coming Soon

Yesterday, myself and a heaping handful of friends filmed a video in the East and West Villages of NYC. It was a beautiful crisp day with lots of crazy people about, including one quirky lady who scolded us for filming in Washington Square Park because we were interfering with her ability to feed the squirrels on one 3x5 foot area of the massive park.

I couldn't have asked for a better posse of peeps to help with the shoot and must mention them all here by name: our cast included Brooke Van Poppelen, Nancy Lombardo, Giulia Rozzi, Robert Funaro, Ryan Gajewski, David Carl, Seth Herzog, Andy Blitz and Wylie Richardson. Of course you can't make a balls out project without a kick ass crew, which I had in spades - Lucas OBryen, Shannon Kerner, Tina Trachtenburg, JP, David Scott, Clell Tickle and Angela Snellen. Clell and JP also jumped in and played parts in the video - what troopers! My bf even showed up and helped with lighting for a minute.

A shoot can't happen without snafus, and we had them, alright - we had an actor bail last minute, we had one cast member get literally stabbed in the finger and have to go to the hospital to get stitches, we had a little bit of light NYPD harassment for shooting without a permit (it's a real offense!) and we had the aforementioned squirrel incident. Other than that, it was a relatively painless shoot, save the brisk temperature and the long day.

Now comes the hard part - putting it all together.

We already got a little bit of press - one of my favorite local neighborhood websites plugged the shoot and took a few photos, like the one above by Bobby Williams. In it, you can almost make out a man lying in the garbage. We love EV Grieve! Thanks you guys with your eagle eyes, for giving us a shout out.

Also, if you'd like to see photos of a scene starring Robert Funaro, Giulia Rozzi and myself in 3D, check it out here.

I can't really give many details of the video right now, but let me just say, hey "industry", have your people call my people and we'll be in touch... :)

2012-01-05T15:48:00.003-05:00

50 First Jokes

...was a complete blast / success / comedian conference / challenge / stress factory / treat / adventure. Way to go, John F. O'Donnell, for pulling off this cool show. I wrote a new song, which I'll record and post in a few days, and when video goes up, I'll link to it. It's about my constant dismay and irritation with life, my typical song muse.

Next stop: 50 First Jokes in LA, tomorrow (Friday) night. If you live on the west coast, go and check it out to hear Maria Bamford's first joke of the year, in addition to 49 others.

2011-12-29T21:10:00.005-05:00

Where To See Me On Friday Night

*tomorrow*

(Hint: It's Bar Matchless, 557 Manhattan Ave, BK)

The show takes place at Bar Matchless in Brooklyn, 557 Manhattan Ave, in the Greenpoint area of Brooklyn. The burlesque dancers were awesome last time! Very creative and clever costume and song ideas.

Below are more details about Bar Matchless, see you tomorrow night at 8:45 pm, or go early and get dinner and a few games of foosball in. Don't be late, don't show up alone and don't forget to wear something cute.

BarMatchless.com

Driving / Extensive Travel Directions HERE

16 tap lines

Food served until 3am

Local Bands in the Back Room

DJs in the front room

Foosball, pool, and darts

2011-12-27T20:24:00.003-05:00

** Wrap Up **

A Night of Dirty Songs @ Joe's Pub

Christmas Eve

Sat 12/24/2011

Last month, when I booked A Night of Dirty Songs for a Saturday Night at Joe's Pub I felt a little nervous. "How am I supposed to fill a 200 seat venue on the eve of the Lord's birth?" Not without some help -- thank you NY Times, Time Out NY, LoDownNY, NonsenseNYC, MurphGuide, Flavorpill and BoweryBoogie, which were just a few of the places I saw it listed. And thanks to Jena Friedman, Ben Lerman, Rob Paravonian, Myq Kaplan, Daniella Day, Lucas O'Bryen, Cavassa Nickens and the staff of Joe's Pub for their help and their all ass kicking-ness behind the scenes and on the stage.

The night of the show I said a prayer to a God I don't believe in as he was probably busy preparing for his son's birthday - not too classy. But it must have worked, because I came out onto the stage at Joe's Pub to a room full of Jewish people, gay people, people from Minnesota, friends, strangers, people who hated the fact that they'd been dragged there, pervs, parents, grandparents, staff and more.

Like this nice lady here who brought me a Christmas penis pop. What a surprise and a delight. Is that the cutest lady wearing the most adorable Christmas sweater...or what?

For those of you who were there, thank you so much for being a part of the show. What a great way to close out the year - with a great, fun, funny, full show and a few new, nice pieces of press.

“Jessica Delfino, a folk/comedienne/YouTube sensation” –The Lo-Down

“Naughty but nice . . . Irreverent, off-kilter and sexy” –The New York Times

Happy New Year and I'll see you in 2012.

2011-12-22T18:18:00.004-05:00

Night of Dirty Songs

THIS SATURDAY (tomorrow) 12/24

9:30 PM @

Joe's Pub (425 Lafayette St.)

Saturday is really close, it's like, tomorrow by my calculations. That's Christmas Eve for those of you who have been hiding in caves, much like the way our ancestors and most reasonable crowd fearing and holiday wary types have done for centuries around Christmas time.

GET YOUR TICKETS HERE

I'm excited and nervous about the show this Saturday. I'm feeling a tinge of the holiday blues but you guys will help me snap out of it on Saturday when I see your bright happy faces. Wait a minute, that's silly. You guys are probably as holiday blue as I am. What do I know, maybe you're super well adjusted. Ha! Right.

Someone called my songs "vulgar" today when we were chatting about the show which prompted me to ask, "Would you call Louis C.K. vulgar?" Because he is. He is terrifically deliciously vulgar, and I love every word of it. But when people describe him, I never hear the world vulgar come up...

Anyway - I have a new song I will be performing as well as 2 holiday songs from my Christmas CD. Plus, I have four amazing guests on the show, including Jena Friedman, Ben Lerman, Myq Kaplan and Rob Paravonian, plus a possible special guest or two. The show is going to be awesome, and I really appreciate that the NY Times plugged it, because they don't just plug any old show, and they plugged two shows in the Weekend Miser column, and one of them was mine. Either it was a slow week, or someone over there likes me, or there's some third option I haven't thought of, like the premise of Sirens of Titan, or something smart sounding like that.

OK, see you tomorrow at Joe's Pub. That's at 425 Lafayette St. in NYC. You can get your tickets online at the above link, or call 212-967-7555. Or buy them at the door tomorrow at 9ish PM. Bye! And hey, if I don't see you before the holidays, Merry Christmas. And Happy New Year. And Happy Festivus. And Happy Winter Solstice. And Happy Hanukkah. And Happy Kwanza. And Happy whatever else you celebrate.

***Need a last minute holiday gift? I recommend my different and fun Christmas CD full of original holiday songs (and one parody of "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas"). Fun for the whole family, even the kids, depending on the kind of parent you are. You can get it on iTunes or pick an actual old-timey CD up at the show tomorrow.***

2011-12-09T16:09:00.002-05:00

Rick Perry Is Gay

What has history proven us about politicians who vehemently come out against being gay, gays getting married, gays in the military and otherwise criticizing gays? It has proven that naysaying politician is gay. When I saw the Rick Perry "Strong" video, it occurred to me that Rick Perry must be gay. To make a video like that and put it out there says it all.

We need only look into the very recent past to be able to cite various examples of this. Mark Foley and Jim McGreevey are just two names that come to mind. There are so many others who have been more careful not to openly criticize gays because it's a no brainer - if a politician says that they hate gays, that person is gay, sure as day. This is a sociological phenomenon that occurs in other aspects of life, too. It's a pretty basic concept. If you actually secretly love something (say, men's penises) and you don't want anyone to know that (because, say you're a politician who is married to a woman), then don't say anything about not liking gays. As a matter of fact, maybe even go a little in the opposite direction. Try saying, "Hey, being gay is fine with me." Throw 'em a curve ball.

Now I'm practically turning blue holding my breath with giddy delight waiting for Mr. Perry's scandal to come out. Has he been dating one of his male assistants? Has he been secretly listening to Hall and Oates? Did he do his own interior designing in his office? Come on, media, give us the goods. Stop reporting on Katy Perry and tell us all about Rick Perry. And how he's gay, gay, super gay.

I'd like to reiterate, I love and can usually relate to the gays. They are typically pretty smart, and pretty funny. They usually like my sense of humor. I understand feeling out of place or unusual. Every once in awhile I'll run into the kind of gays I don't like. But I never don't like they because they are gay. I don't like them because they are uptight, they work in corporate America, they pretend to be straight, hide who they are and act snippy and terrible because they're miserable inside. Like the two gay men who live on my floor who have two tiny matching gay dogs. But you can't hide from your sexuality. And you can't help who you love. Anyone who hides from who they are and / or lies about it runs the risk of being simply unlikeable.

And so, if Mr. Perry is gay, which at this point, it's pretty fair to say he probably is, I wish him the best. I hope he can someday come out like a man and admit it, because if it's true, it will eventually come out, and it's better to come out on your own than have it come out for you.

And if he would rather stay in the closet, that's fine, too. But then his best course of action would be to not make any more anti-gay viral videos, to stop dressing like Heath Ledger in Brokeback Mountain, stop deep throating corn dogs on film, and leave the gays alone.

2011-12-08T19:05:00.003-05:00

Beetlejuice Museum

NY, NY

Bruce as Beetlejuice, mentioned in the Village Voice as "Best Costume of 2011"

Last Sunday, I was invited to Bruce Christensen's house to perform on camera and see / sing a song about his...drum roll, please...wait for it...Beetlejuice Museum.

Bruce has collected hundreds of "Beetlejuice" items and artifacts, that's right - toys, games, knick knacks, dolls, trinkets and more, all on the theme of Beetlejuice, starring Wynona Rider Alec Baldwin, Geena Davis and Michael Keaton as Beetlejuice. What ever happened to him?

Maybe you've already heard about the Beetlejuice Museum. Perhaps you read about it in the New Yorker. It is really more of a vast collection taking up much of his 1/2 bedroom apartment, more than it is a museum, harkening back to visions of Reverend Jen's Troll Museum, which lives in part of Jen's apartment in a tenement walk up on the Lower East Side.

Bruce has just written a book called "Backstage Pass: Crossing The Line" about his memoirs getting backstage to dozens of concerts and shows. He's a colorful, bizarre and interesting character - part of what makes NYC so fun and neat. The part, unfortunately, that is dying out as more Starbucks and corporatization move in.

Go see the Beetlejuice Museum (by appointment only) over in it's midtown location before it's gone.

2011-12-06T10:35:00.005-05:00

RIP Patrice O'Neal

I got on the 5 train yesterday, something I almost never do, and took it uptown to pay respects to an old friend, Patrice O'Neal, who died at 41 of complications from a stroke just about a week ago. He died way too young for how strong he was.

It was a beautiful and believe it or not, hilarious and touching service in a gorgeous church, fit for such a giant man. Patrice was a large man in stature, but he was even larger in personality. He was, simply put, just a really very special person.

Patrice and I hadn't seen each other in several years. The last time I saw him was at an event at the Friar's Club, where he was wearing his classic scowl towards the environment. He interviewed me intensely about my life and softened now and again when I'd say something that pleased him. If I said something annoying to him, the scowl would return and he would stare up at me from where he sat with a clear message that I was on thin ice and could get a tongue lashing at any moment.

Years ago, I met Patrice at the Comedy Cellar. For a while, he ignored me, but eventually, he started talking to me. Then, he began to pick on me. I was not used to a giant black man saying horrible yet hilarious things to me. I was put off and flattered at the same time. One time, he let into me in his way, and in that moment, it hit me wrong. I stood up and walked out of the bar in tears.

He came after me and cornered me outside, where he lectured me for close to an hour. He told me to toughen up and take it. He said that he picked on me because he liked me, and that was more than he could say for most people, so I should feel lucky. He told me that comedy is a tough world and that I have to be ready for people to say anything to me and be able to hold my ground, because many more people would come after him who would make a strong effort to break me, and they wouldn't be messing around, like he had been.

Then, he gave me a giant Patrice bear hug.

He made me laugh and think, every time we spoke, and every time I heard him speak. I used to go to the Tough Crowd tapings all the time, where he'd verbally pummel his co-panelists hilariously into the ground. To see the outpouring of love for him yesterday was really touching and intense. I saw people I hadn't seen for a long time and they've all aged. And I've aged, too. I guess that'd be weird if none of us had aged.

Not having him on the planet makes it a lonelier, colder, less funny, less honest place, and that sucks.

Here's a clip from his special "Elephant In The Room". His honesty, hilariousness and blatant personality made him just the coolest person ever. Buy this DVD which will help his family, who are also really wonderful people.

2011-12-02T13:08:00.005-05:00

A NIGHT OF DIRTY SONGS

12/24/2011

with Special Guests + Dirty Ditties Galore!

Tickets On Sale Now

http://bit.ly/vvF7vI

--- FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE ---

Dec. 2, 2011

New York, NY

A Night Of Dirty Songs To Defeat The “War On Christmas”

“Twas the night before Christmas and in New York City, folks were enjoying raucous bawdy ditties”. OK, so maybe that’s not how the infamous Clement Clark Moore poem begins, but that’s how Christmas Eve 2011 will begin for some 200 laugh loving New Yorkers lucky enough to score a ticket to the most lewd and lascivious holiday show just off Broadway.

Are you tired of sipping spiked eggnog to the same old holiday stand-bys? Then, Oh, Come All Ye Faithful to “A Night Of Dirty Songs” where you will “laugh, squirm and laugh again” as Time Out NY so eloquently put it, at a collection songs that would make your grandmother ~~blush~~ clap and dance with delight.

“A Night Of Dirty Songs” - which is exactly what it sounds like - is the ribald brainchild of Jessica Delfino, the “Lower East Side’s Queen of Obscene” (Village Voice) and winner of Voice Choice’s “Best Of” award for being the “Best Potty Mouthed Guitar Slinging Comedian” in NYC, Emerging Comedians of NY “Best Musical Comedian” and Runner-Up for an Andy Kaufman Award. Jessica’s music was even condemned by the U.S. Catholic League’s very own resident crazy person William Donohue. Can anyone say ho ho ho-ly smokes?

On December 24, 2011 at 9:30 PM, God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen (and Gentlewomen and Gentletranspeople) in the cozy seats and couches of Joe’s Pub, located at 425 Lafayette Street, as ye sip dirty martinis and listen to delightfully dirty songs.

With special guests who you’ll recognize from The Late Show with David Letterman, Last Comic Standing, Late Night with Conan O’Brien, Comedy Central, this night will be anything but silent. So drop your dreidels (but not your drawers) and get over to Joe’s Pub on Christmas Eve where, with the help of sweet, sweet music, we will join together to win the War on Christmas – or at least do something more fun than just order Chinese food again.

ONE NIGHT ONLY, ONE SHOW ONLY. Doors open at 9 PM. Get your tickets online now.

TICKETS direct link:

http://bit.ly/vvF7vI

* No cats were harmed in the making of this holiday photo.

2011-11-23T10:41:00.007-05:00

Holiday Craft Season Is ON!

Some of you look forward to Black Friday for shopping purposes, others like it because it means that Thanksgiving is over and you can get away from your emotionally retarded aunt or a freakishly stupid person who you are ashamed to be related to.

I hear ya!

But the reason I love Black Friday, besides the fact that it's called "Black Friday" (how bad ass does that sound? It's definitely the best named "day" of the year) is because it means my holiday crafting festivities are an official "go".

Crafting may sound boring to you, but that's because you are boring. To me, crafting is just a blank canvas for which I can craft upon. It's kind of like how guys go to baseball games so they can drink and bang chicks who like dudes who wear baseball themed clothing. Our crafting sessions can get pretty wild! Much like baseball watching parties, there is the copious amounts of alcohol and plenty of food and snacks. How do you think I keep this big ass all big and ass-y? Craft season. (My ass was Kardashian before hers was.)

And when girls get together and drink, they talk, and that's fun. We talk about everyday stuff, of course, but there are always lots of fun sex stories - some of which could be those little horny stories in the beginning of older Playboy or Hustler mags. I'm always kind of shocked, impressed and delighted at the dirty shit that comes out of my sometimes socially uptight friend's mouths after they've had a drink or two. It cements my belief that the world is dirty and we might as well embrace it in the form of song.

To make matters even more exciting, my man is taking off for a week to go do a job in Germany, so that means I get to have my whole place to myself to spread out all my glitter and paper pieces and plastic knick knacks I've been saving for a decade and fit them all together while the neurons in my brain explode with happiness and I watch Stella and drink and my cat sits on whatever I'm working on incessantly and my friends bring their crap over and we talk about how to trick this or that fella into loving this or that girl.

When we're done, I have about 40 dozen tampons cut into trees and stars of david ornaments, two of which I stick into my ears, because they are bleeding. Gross! And then I sell this stuff on Ebay. Whooo! (see photo above) This year, I'm selling packs of 3 for $10.

But wait, why read my blatherings when you can just listen to a song I wrote about it - it's called the Crafter's Anthem - enjoy!

And speaking of songs, here's my classic stoner Thanksgiving jam, "Happy Stoned Thanksgiving". If you'd rather hear my songs wwooooaahhhh - on the radio - no problem. Listen for "Only A Stranger's Cock" on The Red Peters show on SiriusXM's Howard 101 Channel -

Thursday (Thanksgiving) at 5

Friday at 10

Saturday at 7

Sunday at 4

I'll be in the 2nd section. If you're not familiar with Red Peters, check him out. He loves dirty songs, just like me.

If you'd like to own my Christmas CD, "Perfect Holidays"

get it on iTunes

or buy it on Etsy and have the actual CD for a little less.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. This year I'm thankful for the same things I'm thankful for every year - sappy stuff, snarky stuff and pharmaceuticals.

xo,

2011-11-10T10:08:00.004-05:00

THE MONTHLY VISITOR NEWSLETTER

*issued irregularly*

Ms. Delfino as a giant ukulele - photo by Anya Garrett

Hey Guys!!

I hope you have all had a great Halloween. I marched in the parade dressed as a giant ukulele. I accidentally 420'd before the parade which was a terrible idea, because walking up the street dressed as a giant ukulele with She-Ra to my left and "A TV Dinner" to my right, waving "high" to a few hundy thou peeps will incite a slight out of body experience, and is not recommended, unless you like that sort of thing. It was the scariest Halloween I've had in awhile.

A WORD ON "420'd"

Yeah, I said 420'd. But that's better than what my mom calls it. "Have you been smoking a bone?" she'd ask me when I was a teen. And I'd say, "Well, let's see, mom, my eyes are crossed and are so dry, when I close my eyelids, they fold over themselves like disheveled car floor mats, and I can't form coherent sentences. I'd say that's a big fat yepperooni. But regardless, no one says "smoking a bone" anymore, mom. Not even other baby boomer hippies. So, if you're not going to ground me, then will you please make me a sandwich?" Or at least that's what I said in my head. It sounded probably a little more like, "Mmmeehhmmm ummm nooooo"...

I haven't 420'd in forever. Why do I keep saying that? Because I'm afraid if I write the real thing, the one CIA agent who understands hippie code will come to my door and demand I hand over the pots. That's what 420ing does to you. It makes you paranoid. So if you must smoke it, then at least stay in school, kids. Even if you are going to school high.

Left to Right: TV Dinner, Ukulele, SheRa, like that needed explaining.

Speaking of pot, please enjoy this FREE SEASONAL SONG on the theme of Thanksgiving.

Or, check out a brand new Delfino jam aqui. Or, why not kick back with a fine snifter of brandy and hear a whole bunch of dirty folk songs right on this link right here.

NEWS: 2 SHOWS THIS WEEKEND IN DC / NEW WEBSITE

I'm headed to DC this weekend, Nov. 11th and 12th with the girls of Stripped Stories, so if you're in the Washington, DC area, stop by and hear us spin tales of hilarity and sexiness. You can find out more about the show right at this website here. Live in NYC or Philly but wanna see the show? No problem, chiefs.

I have a new website in the works, and I'm pretty excited about that. More details soon.

JOB LISTING SECTION OF THIS EMAIL

Dependable, creative, funny camera person with pro camera and gear -- ideally one who can also edit -- to shoot a comedic short. This position offers a daily $tipend. If you live in the NYC area and I have described you, please get in touch, and send resume or list of projects you've worked on. Filming will take place late Nov / early December in NYC. JessDelfino at Gmail dot com.

JOB LISTING SECTION OF THIS EMAIL CONCLUDED

OK that's all for now. If you don't already, follow me on Twitter and I will occasionally squeeze out something ridiculous, hilarious, messed up, boring or just plain wrong. Promise.

Wanna see where I'll be performing next or what I'm into between these long lonely updateless stretches? Check the blog.

Until next time,

PS - Next month is effing Christmas already. May I suggest my fun Christmas album, "Perfect Holidays" available on iTunes, which is great for Granny and the kids. Seriously! It's practically PG, except for one song that talks about wanting one thing for Christmas, something related to people's butts. Oh, and do you count talking about marijuana PG? Because I do. Bye!!

2011-11-01T18:21:00.004-05:00

HOW TO GET REMOVED FROM A MAILING LIST

aka fun with Credit Card Companies

I saw a twitter post yesterday that said to stick your credit card inquiries back into the reply all envelope and return them to the company just to send it back to where it came from, because they get charged by the ounce. I tried to find it to post it here and give them credit, but I've gotten about 40,000 tweets since then and can now no longer find it.

I liked the idea, and have done similar fun business reply mail pranks, ie, sending people I dislike subscriptions of horrible magazines (such as NAMBLA Weekly, yuck yuck) or when President Bush was fund raising, I'd sign up on his mailing list just to waste their campaign funds, not like it really affected them too much, they are as rich as or possibly richer than Satan.

But it was fun to do and gave me that "stick it to the man" inner glow that keeps me looking and feeling my best.

So, yesterday when I saw that tweet, I put it in my brain case for later, and later was today, when I got 2 credit card solicitations in my mail box. I decided, maybe I can use that logic to get removed from their mailing list without having to call and sit on the phone with them for 45 minutes, getting transferred from one sad phone operator to the next having to tell my story 15 times in a row to do something simple, like get removed from a mailing list.

Enjoy, use, pass it on.

This is one of my fun, little ways of "Occupying Wall Street". I'd like to hear what kinds other people do and join forces to create a great big book of social pranks.

2011-10-25T15:04:00.005-05:00

Who I Gave My CD To Yesterday

As we learned in my last blog post, I will give my CD to just about any perceived important celebrity type person who I can. As I mentioned before, I kind of use it like a business card, but it's so much more fun than a business card, what with songs any celebrity's grandmother would love.

But I especially love to put it into the hands of other musicians, comedy musicians and special general weirdos. And last night, I gave one to none other than Michael McKean (Spinal Tap. a million other things). What a treat for him that must have been! To have me slink over to him after his show at the Mercury Lounge and say, "That was great! Hey, I brought you a present!" in my most ambitiously confident voice that somehow still certainly came out as mousy and nervous.

He was very gracious, as they usually all are, and took my CD, exclaiming, "Yay, free stuff!"

I should have gotten a photo with him but I didn't. I get nervous sometimes. I'm only flesh and blood and guts underneath these lovely blue eyes and all this thick gorgeous hair.

So let's see what happens now - if my psychic powers are on, of course Michael McKean and I will probably start a new band together and write a bunch of great songs.

Here's an old Spinal Tap video of a song he played last night -- it was so awesome to see this performed live with Less The Band who shared the stage with him.

2011-10-21T09:40:00.011-05:00

What It's Like To Meet Ben Folds

...with a little digression on celebrity worship

Living in NYC, you bump into freaks, maniacs, strangers and frenemies that you really wish you hadn't. The plus is that you also literally bump into people on the street who you've dreamed about meeting. This happened to me with Mike Myers, Dave Attell, Colin Quinn and a few others.

It didn't happen to me last night but it sorta did - a "genius" friend of mine sent me a text thatBen Folds was playing at the Apple Store. I live about a five minute bike ride away from there, so I hopped on my bike and whizzed over. I got there just in time to miss Ben's performance, but after he finished his set, he came out to sign autographs and have his photo taken with the small posse of fans who waited patiently, a nice move. He could've snuck out the back door, but he didn't. He came out and collected his fanfare.

I have always been a fan of giving celebrities the celebration that is part of their lives. Without fans, a celebrity is just another wanna be (and probably not a celebrity). I have met celebrities and people who really aren't that famous at all -- including peers of mine -- who act like, "You're all welcome for my presence, it's a good thing I came along and am here right now" and I think it's pretty troubling. There's nothing more disingenuous than a person who thinks they rose to the top all alone. The fans, the agency support, their contacts, their parents, timing and luck have a lot to do with it. Talent is actually a small part of success, I have noticed! Humility is hot. I have a lot of people to thank for the small amount of success I've attained, and some of them are even my enemies! See how humble I am? Don't you think I'm hot now?

I don't gush over many celebs, but there are a few I'd still love to meet, including Joni Mitchell and Cher. There are other celebs I wanted to meet for a long time but after hearing what turds they are to fans and strangers over and over, (and seeing video proof!) I decided, ehh, I'll just listen to their CD's and be good with that. When I hear a celebrity is a creep to their fans, that's a permanent turn off. Sure, they get stalkers and stuff, I know, I have one, and it sucks. But not everyone is an asshole, only the assholes are assholes. What a disappointment though, when someone you really admire turns out to be just a normal shitty human.

Once on Celebrity Apprentice, I saw Cyndi Lauper and one of her apprentices have it out. The girl said she'd been so looking forward to meeting Cyndi Lauper but that Cyndi was really mean. And Cyndi said, "Don't meet your idols, because you'll be disappointed."

It's so true! I'm just going to hide under a rock and never try to meet anyone I admire ever again. :)

Part of me feels guilty for asking a celebrity for a photo sometimes. I shared this sentiment with a friend of mine who's had his photo taken with every single celebrity you can think of(who also happens to be quite a celebrity himself). He said, "Naw, go get your picture with them! Just be polite, don't ask them when their eating with their kids, etc."

There's a good time to pester a celebrity and a bad time.

A good time, might be, say, after a small in-store performance. There I stood, waiting for Ben Folds to come out. I happened to have a copy of my CD in my purse. That's something I've just come to do out of habit - because I never know who I'll meet in this city. I gave a copy of my CD to a famous comedian once and she looked at me like I was the biggest asshole who ever lived. Maybe I deserved that look. Who gives their CDs to celebrities they meet? Only this jerk right here. Maybe it's a cheesy move. But there's a unicorn with a bumper sticker on the front. And it has "My Pu$$y Is Magic" on it. Who doesn't want that put into their hand? (If you're dying to know, ask me sometime in person and I'll tell you who it was.)

But I really wanted to give one to Ben Folds. Unlike the above unmentioned person, who I thought just might get a kick out of hearing another female comedian's work (wrong - I'm an idiot, I accept that), Ben Folds actually really inspired my music. I listened to him hard when I was rockin' the suburbs in college in Philadelphia. It was actually an old comedian friend Stu Kamens who turned me on to him. I fell in love with Whatever And Ever Amen and listened to the shit out of it. "Song For The Dumped" probably inspired half my style.

I also cite Liz Phair, Joni Mitchell and 2 Live Crew as early inspirations, and maybeLaura Kightlinger and Sarah Silverman.

Anyway, back to Ben! He was so gracious and friendly. He took my CD, complimented the artwork and look of it (I believe his exact words were something like, 'Hey, this looks pretty neat') and then said, 'Look at this' and handed it to noted artist Opie Otterstad who was also there, as he designed Ben's new CD artwork, which was pretty freakin' cool.

I had my photo taken with him by my friend David Moye who also has his own photo of himself and Ben, and took a photo of Opie holding my CD, then I went home.

Call me a fan girl, go ahead! I have celebrities I admire, fine, I admit it! I have inspirations in my life. I don't think I'm the greatest creative mind in the world who does everything on my own and doesn't need anyone. I'm not an egotistical maniacal narcissist. But sometimes I wish I were...

If I were, I'd probably be a lot more successful.

2011-10-19T19:20:00.004-05:00

Halloween Freakfest!

THIS SATURDAY, Oct. 22

Tompkins Square Park

Ave A @ 7th Street in the park

(East Village NYC)

1-7 PM

Free! Free! Free!

After party at Double Down Saloon, 7 PM

Wear a fun costume! Win a serious butt load of awesome prizes! Enjoy some delicious home made snacks! Get your Halloween spirit out and on! Let your freak flag fly! Get your creative juices flowing! Other cliches!

The Halloween Freakfest, presented by The Shadow and Our Lady Of Perpetual PMS is an annual show in the park, showcasing free indie punk bands, quirky performers and creative creatures of the East Village. This event is always fun, there's always a big crowd and this year, the show will take place on a large covered stage. Our Lady Of Perpetual PMS always comes up with the best costumes, she is one incredibly creative and fun person and she knows how to throw a kickin' party / show.

I have just confirmed my spot on the line-up and am really excited. Now I have to come up with a great costume. Any ideas??? I was thinking about going as a ukulele. Seriously. At least there probably won't be any other people dressed up as ukuleles out there.

Other confirmed acts include: Scum City, Dethrace, G.L.O.B., Ghouls Night Out, Ritz Riot, Lunch Lady, Jennifer Blowdryer and more.

It's going to be awesome and ridiculous and if you don't go, you will miss it. Obviously.

2011-10-18T19:47:00.003-05:00

Nerding Out:

A Few Good Words

Thank you to http://internetadvertisingdictionary.com/

for the non-permitted use of their above image. Hopefully they'll accept

this link on my site as gratitude enough.

Today, I went to go visit a friend, and we sat on top of a beautiful roof deck way up high in the sky -- virtually dozens of feet above Manhattan.

During our lovely conversation over iced tea and some kind of ginger soup, he dropped the word "bucolic" on me. I expressed delight in his use of a big, fancy uncommon word. To me, cleverly executed verbiage is a giant turn on.

I *told* you I was a nerd.

At first, I thought I'd never heard the word before, but later when I looked it up on my trusty Mac dashboard dictionary, I recognized it.

adjectiveof or relating to the pleasant aspects of the countryside and country life : the church is lovely for its bucolic setting.
Calloo callay! What a word!!
It got me to thinking about words that I love for various reasons, so I compiled them together to share a list of some killer selections from the English lexicon.
ClobberDidacticSoliloquyJocundFeralTersePriggishUnfetteredTenacityShrillCretin (honorable mentions go to Obtuse and Retarded)SlogTraipse
OK, that's enough good words for now. Add the ones I forgot in the comments below.

2011-10-17T10:42:00.006-05:00

SCHWAG BAG GIVEAWAY WINNERS!!

The schwag bag drawing was this past weekend, and two winners have been randomly chosen to receive a small bag (or a small box, really) loaded with schwag and goodies from the Den of Delfino Giveaways Chest.

And the winners, are, drumroll, please....

1. Your Favorite Guncle at Gmail

2. SLK 2635 at Gmail

CONGRATS!! I have sent out e-mails notifying those who won that they have won. I need those people to write back and send me the mailing address which they'd like their packages to go to. SLK's email bounced, so I'm going to give SLK a day or two to see this post. If I haven't heard back in a few days, an additional runner up has been chosen who I'll reveal then.

To those who did not win, please read my blog more often, and please try again.

In other news --

There was another Chinese funeral in my neighborhood this morning. I watched from out my bedroom window in my PJs as I sipped a cup of hot licorice tea. I have a beautiful view from the corner perch out my window, all the way up Ludlow Street. I liken it to a widow's watch in a dirtier part of town. I fancy a drug dealer's wife watching out the window, waiting for her love to return alive.

At the funeral, the marching band played as the line of livery cars pulled into traffic jam tightness all the way up Ludlow Street to Broome. One livery cab drove by the officiators too fast and sprayed them with street water.

In one car, several men got in who were all dressed in yellow with pointy jester looking hats.

There's something absolutely gut wrenchingly delightful about Chinese funerals. They appear to be a somber yet energetic celebration of life. When I die, I want a very specific and colorful funeral like that: a band playing, hired mourners, livery cabs.

I have been obsessed with the darker side of life since I was a child. I think the movie Beetlejuice had something to do with it, that and Poltergeist being one of the first adult movies I ever watched (and Stephen King's Cujo being the first adult book I ever read).

A friend and I have just begun a new spooky band together, which I'll tell you more about soon. We are called "The Coffin Lickers" and we are going to do A Very Haunted Halloween Show in December, so keep your eyes out for that.

I also have a field report from a recent Occupy Wall Street visit that I'll share soon.

That's it. You can go about your normal day now.

2011-10-12T10:06:00.004-05:00

Occupy Wall Street Field Trip

So I went down to check out Occupy Wall Street's Liberty "Zuccotti" Park and I have to admit, I was a little disappointed with what I saw. Maybe I hit it at an off time. Some things were definitely interesting, like the library and people who were "doing things" - handing out pamphlets, holding signs, making art. Some people though, were just being really gross. I don't think that's what Occupy Wall Street creators had in mind. But I could be wrong.

Sure, one man's gross is another man's awesome, I guess...? But I had hoped to see a little more protesting and a little less Grateful Dead show parking lot action. I'm surprised I didn't see people with their fingers up in the air, "miracling" global change, though that would have been pretty funny, and some form of protesting.

What I saw there was what I grew up with as a kid in Maine, going to catch Phish shows. Lots of dreadlocks on white dudes, teenage runaways with no idea what to do next with their life, and

people getting high. I get it, they may be lost, confused, unable (or interested) in finding work. They're taking a piece of what was taken from them. And I have so many gripes, too. I have a worthless college degree. But I also made a lot of mistakes and bad choices because I didn't really have the guidance I could have used, and I wouldn't have probably listened, anyway. But regardless, I'm a protester, I'm one of the 99%, I'm a supporter. However, when I saw trampled flowers in the garden, it struck me as really fucked up, coming from a group of so called caring individuals.

Maybe I'm getting old, but the whole thing was upsetting to see. Maybe what I saw was exactly what I was supposed to witness.

Intrinsically, I feel that Occupy Wall Street is a good thing. I saw a cartoon online that showed on the left, a jail cell full of protesters with a sign that said "People arrested for protesting at Occupy Wall Street", next to it was an empty cell with a sign that said, "Bankers arrested for destroying the global financial system". I was moved by the cartoon ten times more so than the actual protest.

It made me remember the power of art and music, and why I trudge on, and do what I do. I'm so much more useful to the world writing demented and sometimes insightful songs than I am behind a desk at an office, a worker bee helping some rich guy to get richer. No thanks. I'll take seminal success (or is it semen-al?) and just making ends meet.

I am hopeful that between Occupy Wall Street and the artists and people out there working for change, change will happen, though realistically, I just can't see how it's possible.

I say this, because, the thing I took away most from Occupy Wall Street was the dreaded feeling I've had ever since I was old enough to understand things: Everything is messed up, and the flaw is not just within the system, but within humanity.

And how the hell are we supposed to fix that?

2011-10-11T20:11:00.003-05:00

Calling All Lovers Of Dirty Folk Rock

In The Schenectady Area

(or anywhere, Really)

Are you sad because nothing fun ever happens in your town? Are you stick of partying with trees because you have only a few friends and they are all dumb and you're bored of them?

I'd like to make you an offer: No matter where you are in the US or Canada, if you buy me a Vespa scooter exactly like this scooter, I will perform a kickin' ass dirty folk rock show in your town. I will bring friends. I will bring a party. So get your small gang of lousy friends together, save up your money from the crappy job (or maybe the great job) you have, dip into your trust or college fund, use some of the money pop pop left you, ask Uncle Tim or mom n dad for a hand out, have a lemonade / bake sale, or what have you and lets. do. this.

This scooter happens to be located in the Schenectady area, which I know is kind of all Stephen King-y, so especially calling all people of Schenectady and lovers of Dirty Folk Rock in the Schenectady area: If you buy this scooter (or another of equal or higher value, ideally pink) for me, I will come and pick it up and do a kickin' concert at your home, business or place of your choice. 100% PROMISE!

Does this sound crazy? Mmmm-hmmm. But I love to travel and I am always looking for excuses to do out of town shows. So let's me get Vespa-fied!

2011-10-05T21:26:00.004-05:00

Comedy Music Is No Longer A Homeless Person

That's right, comedy music now has a home. It now lives at "Calling All Twisted Minstrels and Comedy Musicians" which is a sister blog to this site at www.twistedminstrel.blogspot.com. Post comedy music auditions and information there. Share your comedy music links and videos. This site is meant to alienate all other forms of comedy. COMEDY MUSIC ONLY.

Q: Can I post a sketch I wrote about bangin' my friend's mom? It's really funny but it doesn't have any comedy music in it.

A: NO

Q: Can I post a video of me talking about Occupy Wall Street? It's really funny but it doesn't have any comedy music in it.

Q: Can I post a funny mp3 of a song I wrote about falling down the stairs?

A: YES

Q: What if I play funny songs on guitar, ukulele, glockenspiel, french horn, dulcimer, piano, singing saw, trumpet, in the punk genre, to mock funny songs, in a foreign language, badly, was famous 20 years ago, etc?

A: GREAT. It is all welcome at the Twisted Minstrel Comedy Music blog.

Q: Why Twisted Minstrel?

A: Because I like it. Also, because there is going to be a comedy music festival of the same name. COMING SOON so stay "tuned", ya know, tuned, like a guitar you use to make comedy music.

Email everything comedy music to clef coda at gmail dot com. Clef will be handling all the Twisted Minstrel Blog needs.

What else? Well, thanks for asking. We also now have a Twitter page and a Facebook page.

Q: Damn, you move fast!

A: That's not a question, but thank you.

This community is for YOU, comedian musician, so please utilize it, add to it, share it, pass it on, comment, make suggestions and keep doing what you do, even if comedians think we're dorks and musicians hate our guts. Just remember: haters be hatin because they are jealzies. Jealzies of our luscious creative ambidextriousness.

Now get out there and make a YouTube video for your song that gets stuck in everyone's head at work for the next 4 days!