This is life on an almost nightly basis for me. “Don’t you people have jobs?” I think to myself, as they teeter down the street in clonky fancy shoes, yelling, “Taxiiiiiii!!!!!!” out into a completely empty street or group chant-singing a horrid rendition of a traditional song like “You Are My Sunshine”, an alcohol fueled baritone choir of idiots.

I’ve thought of several ways to exact revenge on these careless dweebs, who seem to have absolutely no consideration for the sleeping children, the Chinese people who worked 15 hour days who will get 4 hours of sleep before having to get up and do it again the next day, even the frickin’ dead people at the funeral home across the street who are surely woken by the awful racket. They certainly don’t feel for the hipsters and artists who have slowly creeped their way into the neighborhood and are trying to make an honest living as creative weirdos, who need a damn solid 8 hours of beauty rest.

I’ve thought of egging them. That’d get their goat, I thought to myself, picturing myself launching eggs from my 8 story window which would not even get anywhere near them. In a Woody Allen-esque turn out, however, I imagine them spotting me and then finding their way to my apartment to kick my ass. I try to outsmart them in this scenario, by tossing the eggs off the roof. But somehow, this drunken pack of idiots have perfect night vision, and they still know where to find me. Even in my own fantasies I get my ass kicked. Other times I think of sticking my head out the window and yelling, “Shut the fuuuuccckkkkuuuppppp!!!” But not only does that not make me any better than them, that scenario turns into an imaginary screaming match where they are all calling me names and ends with me still getting my ass kicked.

Recently, I had the bright idea that I could go out into the night dressed as a character I do named Carol, and mess around with them, (wo)man on the street style, with a camera in tow. I’d trick them into thinking that they were being filmed by a popular video blog, and insist they sign a release form. Using the information on the form, I’d locate their parents whereabouts. Then, I’d take the footage of them behaving like complete imbeciles, and I’d show the videos to their mothers, recording their parents’ responses to their children screaming like drunken banshees in the night, finally posting that on YouTube and their Facebook pages.

Check and mate!

Orrr…eh…I kinda like the thing that I do now, which is turn up my noise machine, read my New Yorker Magazines and fart myself to sleep. Like a proper lady.

+ Myself and special guests perform

Pretty exciting stuff you guys — I’ve just been hired to teach FREE ukulele classes at New York Public Library in two locations: Tompkins Square Park and St. George. In addition to learning how to tune your ukulele, hold, strum and play the dern thing, you’ll meet a bunch of bookish and hopelessly adorably nerdy people who also call the ukulele their friend, but hopefully not their only friend. In addition to learning the uke, you’ll also see some special guest performers show off their skills.

More information to come, but here are the dates:

Saturday, June 30th @ 12 Noon

Every Monday in July, including

Monday, July 2 @ 5 PM

Monday, July 9 @ 5 PM

Monday, July 16 @ 5 PM

Monday, July 23 @ 5 PM

Monday, July 30 @ 5 PM

I think all you have to do is show up mostly sober and bring your ukulele. It’s gonna be fun and interesting. If you want to get yourself up to speed, check out my ukulele how to series on eHow.com, buy yourself a starter ukulele here and dance on over to one of the above locations when it’s time to be there. Cool? Cool.

Here I am at Rubulad a few years ago, dressed kind of like a more downsy Britney Spears-y

Attention all “Rubu-lads”
Tonight is RUBULAD!

For those of you who like to go to parties and have fun in NYC, perhaps the Meatpacking District or Midtown or Lower East Side is your thing. And all of those are fine options, especially if you’re a jock, a jock or a jock. But if you have never been to Rubulad yet, get your butt out to Brooklyn tonight. Below are some FAQ/C’s: (Frequently Asked Questions / Complaints):

“But I hate going to Brooklyn”

We all do. Get in a cab with three friends, split the cost unless there’s one rich friend with you who just always treats and consider it the best $3 you ever spent on public transportation.

“But it’s in Brooklyn”

Manhattan on a Saturday night is pretty beat. If you’re a real New Yorker, you know to go out on Wednesday or Thursday night when all the Jersey-ites are still in Jersey. It’s in Brooklyn for a reason – to avoid the mess that is Manhattan on a Saturday night.

“But I hate hippies”

You got me there, you may stumble upon some hippies. But that is part of the beauty of this party, it’s a real rainbow of personalities and there’s literally something/one for everyone.

“I was just probably gonna stay home”

You should definitely just stay home.

“How much does it cost?”

From the facebook invite: “10 beans before 11:00 pm or way late; 15 in costume all night; 20 otherwise.

“What should I wear?”

The FB invite says, “Dress leather and lace, goggles and jiggles, bad boys and motorcycle mamas.” But I strongly recommend and suggest letting your utter freak flag fly. Wear stuff that’s too small, painted by hand, barely considered clothing or just be the yuppie you are and show up in a button down polo and pay the extra $5 to be a gawker at the party parade that is Rubulad.

“Is it fun? Will there be a lot of people there? What kind of people?”

It is fun. It is an NYC adventure, of old school proportions. Don’t be underwhelmed by the “65 people going” tab, there will probably be about 500 people there, without exaggeration. There will be clever alcoholics, master jenga players, famous burlesquers, inventive drop outs, cat doctors, blind trumpet players, psychadelic kazoo makers, shady business women, oblivious mouth breathers, handsome Yale graduates, goth chefs, professional dog walkers, food painters, Atkins nutritionists, nouveau flappers and many other archetypes still yet to be uncovered.

“Will you be performing, Jessica?”

Yes. At midnight.

“Where can I find out more information?”

Great question. Check out the FB page HERE, also, here’s the blurb from Jeff Stark’s NonsenseNYC mailing list. If you are not on this mailing list, join it today. It’s free and awesome. All details, including address and more are below. See you tonight!

A sweet and dirty dance party with motorcycles. With live music by Lady Rizo and the Assettes, Viva’s Rock ‘n’ Roll burlesque featuring Clams Casino and Anita Cookie. In the Motocross Lounge: Jessica Delfino, Kelvin Daly, and X and Y. Your DJs: celebrity DJ couple Shakey and Barney Iller and Reaganomics.

Plus G. Scopitronic’s Non-Stop Slutty Biker Film Fest, Light Circus Extraordinaire by Norm Francoeur, Hot F***ing Tamales, Laura MacMillian’s Monster Puppet Burlesque, and Delicious Dub Pies.

Dress leather and lace, goggles and jiggles, bad boys and motorcycle mamas. Our rules apply.

523 3rd Avenue between 12th and 13th streets, Brooklyn
10p doors, 11p show; $10 before 11p or way late, $15 in costume all night, $20 otherwise