Jesus Needs New PR by Matthew Paul Turner

dew dew dew DEW, dew dew dew DEW

2009-12-02T15:46:00.000-06:00

Are we supposed to laugh with these guys or at them?

I just keep gasping at my computer screen.

My friend Kevin sent this to me...and no, not THAT Kevin.

george michael dreams of christmas

2009-12-02T13:39:00.000-06:00

George Michael just released this video for his Christmas tune "December Song (I Dream of Christmas)." While the song is only okay... I love the video.

new bloodwatermission.com!

2009-12-02T11:32:00.000-06:00

My friends at Blood Water Mission have launched a brand new website. Please check it out and find out what this amazing mission is doing in several African communities.

From Jena Nardella, BWM's executive director...

We are thrilled to announce the launch of the all-new bloodwatermission.com! This complete redesign has been a long time in the works and we hope that you will join in our excitement in seeing the new website. More importantly, we hope that it will serve as an invaluable tool in better connecting you to the stories of transformation that your support of Blood:Water has made possible. We also hope it will allow you to learn more about what we do and how you can play your part in it. So explore the site: check out the new video on the homepage, read stories from Africa and America, and use the new campaign resources to start your own campaign. And please forward, tweet & share; let everyone know! www.bloodwatermission.com

a rap for kids

2009-12-01T19:54:00.000-06:00

Well, here's a nifty little rap song for kids that I found at Christian Nightmares.

It's called The ABC Jesus Rap!

According to the YouTube user who wrote its description, The ABC Jesus Rap is fully capable of indoctrinating your children in way that is hip, fresh, and fun. But THANKFULLY, this little rap is researched based, exciting... but most importantly engaging.

And with lyrics like M is for Moses/Mmm... Mmm... Mmm and P is for Paul/Puh... Puh... Puh" you can bet that your young child will be beat-bopping well-researched biblical terms such as "Noah," "Savior," and "Cain" before they're able to go poo in the toilet.

Give it a listen...

Well, I decided to try out the song on my almost 17-month-old son, Elias... here's his reaction...

dear aids

2009-12-01T15:30:00.003-06:00

Dear AIDS,

As you probably already know, today is World AIDS Day, a day set aside by the media to remind us that you exist, that you infect, that you kill.

I was very young when I first heard your name spoken by my current events' teacher in middle school. He made you sound like one of God's pet apocalyptic monsters sent to scare gay people away from being gay. I believed him. Then, a year later, a rumor began spreading around my Christian school that you killed somebody in my church, one of the ushers, in fact. The man wasn't gay, so everybody figured your involvement in his death was an unfortunate rumor. But shortly thereafter, a news story reported that you'd been infecting drug users who shared needles with other drug users. The usher had been drug user at one time, and so the rumor spread again that perhaps you were his killer.

You began killing a lot of people. And you were rumored to have killed many more.

You killed Rock Hudson. And my father said you also killed Liberace.

I was afraid of you. I was afraid of blood because of you. I was afraid to sit down on a toilet seat because of you. I was afraid to get my haircut at a barber because of you.

I remember the day that Magic Johnson held a media conference to announce that you had infected him. He was sad, yet also hopeful that his name and influence would help find a cure to beat you.

In college, I went to see the movie Philadelphia. I left the theater in tears.

In 1996, I started a new job and one of the first people I met was Bo (name changed). A few weeks later, while he and I wrapped silverware into cloth napkins, Bo told me you infected him. When the words came out of his mouth, the hairs on the back of my neck stood upright in fear. I was afraid of you then, but because of what you were doing to Bo, I also hated you. I stood up from the table and I hugged you and Bo for the first time. I held both of you for several minutes. But then I stopped... because I was afraid. Bo taught me that you weren't a gay disease or a drug users' disease; he said you didn't care who you infected.

Many years later, Bono witnessed what you were doing to men, women, and children in Africa, and lots of people--famous and non-famous people, Christians and non-Christians--joined his crusade to put an end to you. I was the editor for a Christian magazine during that time, and me and the other editors made sure to include stories about what people were doing to combat you.

During Bono's crusade, I gave some money to his cause. I even wrote a couple editorials about you and him.

But I must confess, I've mostly done nothing to beat you. Oh, I cringe when I hear the statistics of what you are doing in places like India or China or among minorities in large cities like Chicago... but cringing doesn't help defeat you... it's just my superficial way of letting people know that I think your work is awful and should be stopped. But I'm not doing anything to help stop you. And I'm ashamed of that...

In January, I am going to Uganda. Many people who have been to Uganda say that I will see you there. Those people seem to think you're everywhere in Uganda. I've been told that, if I want to, I will be able to hold you again.

And this time, I will not fear you. I'm sure I will hate you more than I do now. But will I do anything to stop you?

I don't know.

(to be continued)

To sponsor a Ugandan child affected by HIV-AIDS through World Vision, click here and then select "Uganda"

check your irons!

2009-11-30T18:01:00.000-06:00

Check your irons, friends.

Why?

Well, because Jesus might be trying to burn himself onto your fine linen or cotton.

That's right. A lady in New England snapped this picture of Jesus--well, she thinks it's Jesus--I think it's the Mona Lisa. But why would the Mona Lisa want to reveal herself unto anybody?

Anyway, if it is Jesus--the REAL Jesus--it would be just like him to try and make himself known in places that he is not welcomed--on our good fabrics!

Just wait, the next thing we know he'll be showing up in our dryer lint.

Where was the last time you "saw" Jesus?

jesus candies!

2009-11-28T08:33:00.000-06:00

"Upon this pop rock, I will build my kingdom."-Jesus

MOTTO: Sweet scrumptious promise seeds. Conceive something.

You just know that as Jesus was hanging on the cross, he totally pictured the cross in six colorful flavors... and totally suckable.

Silly candy store: jelly beans are soooo NEW Testament

Mmm... nuggets.

"My stripes not only heal you, but now they taste good, too." -Jesus

For those times when reading the Bible makes you constipated.

today, i'm thankful for...

2009-11-26T10:09:00.001-06:00

My wife, Jessica

My son, Elias

My families, the Turners and the Schims

My friends--you know who you are... (or you should...)

My church

My pastor, Pete

My editor, Shannon

My agent, Greg

My booking agent, Kortland

My partnership with World Vision

My condo

My iPhone

My work

My Twiends--the friends I know from Twitter but I haven't met in person

And I'm thankful for you. Thanks for reading my blog and following what I do--it means so much.

Happy Thanksgiving friends!

mpt

What are you thankful for today?

jesus pictures of the day! (the kiddies edition)

2009-11-24T11:20:00.001-06:00

"I bet you want to be a basketball player when you grow up, huh?" -Jesus

"Mommy told me to hug you, and to also mention that Roxy is a seeing-eye dog."

African mullet Jesus

"Do you hear that, kids? I asked God to play the theme song for Little House on the Prairie." -Jesus

"[Giggles] We love when you tickle us, Jesus." --Little girl

"Look! It's Jesus! Let's go say hi to Jesus!" -The cast of Little Women

"Do you really slide down the chimney on Christmas Eve?" -Boy

"I prayed and prayed and prayed for you to bring your XL halo!" -Little Girl

"You're getting on my last nerve, kid. And I am Jesus. Do you know what that says about you? When even 'Jesus' can't stand to be around you?" -Jesus

"Jesus, can we sing your song one more time? I love being yellow." --Asian girl

this music haunts me...

2009-11-23T20:17:00.000-06:00

THIS is the style of music that was played in my childhood church.

How would you describe THIS type of music in ONE word...

I couldn't listen to more than 10 seconds of this video... I started to feel like I was getting put in a straight jacket.

ONE word...

i believe... i know...

2009-11-23T11:51:00.000-06:00

I believe that God is the creator of the universe

I know what the temperature is outside

I believe in redemption for all people through Jesus

I know a Jewish man at my gym who thinks I'm crazy

I believe my wife will love me more tomorrow than she does today

I know that she loves me today

I believe in "the church"

I know I'm a part of "the church" and that should make me doubt what I believe

I believe that I get a glimpse of God when I look at my son, Elias

I know he looks like my baby pictures

I believe that God is working to make all things new

I know people whose hardships and burdens have become very old

I believe in an afterlife

I know as I write this post my heart is beating

I believe that love casts out fear

I know several lovely fear-filled people

I believe in the true meaning of Christmas

I know by December 15, I'll be tired of the holiday season

I believe that I'm supposed to love you

I know sometimes I don't

I believe

I know

And sometimes I call my therapist or pastor in hopes of reconciling the life lived between what I believe and what I know...

free christmas music from joy williams

2009-11-23T08:00:00.000-06:00

jesus would have spanked his children...

2009-11-23T05:00:00.004-06:00

Says John Piper when one of his fans asked (in February of 2009) if Jesus would have spanked his children...

Yes, it's a dumb question. But Piper answers it anyway.

My problem with the following clip is that Piper uses the "spare the rod/spoil the child" verse from Proverbs to support his theory.

However, most biblical scholars now believe that verse is not about spanking, but rather about guiding/directing a child, like a shepherd guiding/directing/protecting his sheep.

THIS VIDEO WAS FOUND HERE!

I'm not advocating to spank or not to spank with this post... but far too many Christians misuse that text to support spanking. But in Piper's case, to use this verse to support the idea that Jesus--the one called the Good Shepherd--would spank his children is ridiculous. In my opinion...

Here's a good link that discusses the biblical idea of a "Good Shepherd."

95 theses-the rap

2009-11-22T18:11:00.000-06:00

a Martin Luther rap... nice.

Found on this site!

god-ercise

2009-11-22T05:00:00.001-06:00

The biggest loser? Perhaps not. But odd. Very odd.

pray for obama or prey on obama...

2009-11-21T05:00:00.001-06:00

Seems like a cool t-shirt, huh? Well, that is until you look up Psalms 109:8...

In the King James Version the verse reads...

Let his days be few; and let another take his office.

I was speechless when I read the verse.

The verse that follows reads...

Let his children be fatherless, and his wife a widow.

sigh.

May God keep President Obama strong, healthy, and alive.

I found the following video clip on Brian McLaren's blog.

McLaren writes on his blog...

I'm disgusted by the latest absurdity from the religious right covered in the clip below. I'm also depressed by the lack of courage among Evangelical leaders to speak out strongly against it (also covered in the clip below). How about it, Evangelicals? How many of you will join Frank Schaeffer and say, "Enough is enough?"

Enough is enough.

his eye is on the dead bird... (christian clowns)

2009-11-20T22:39:00.000-06:00

thou shalt not write the words...

2009-11-20T21:42:00.003-06:00

A week or so ago, famed fiction author Ted Dekker stirred up controversy when he used his Facebook fan page's status to poke a little fun at the "rules" one Christian publisher demands its writers follow. The publisher? Steeple Hill's "Love Inspired" imprint.

What was Ted's status update?! Read below:

Tell me what you would say to a fiction publisher that prohibits the following offensive terms in any novel: Priest, Passion, Hunk, For Pete's Sake, Undergarment, Tempting, Father, Doody, Fiend, Angel (unless used in a Biblical context.) Just for starters. Should we say, A) You've got to be kidding. B) Amen. C) These bounderies offend me and are anti Christian in spirit. D) Something else, penned by you.

For Pete's sake, what words is an author of Love Inspired books allowed to write? Well, thanks to Ted-the Hunk-Dekker, we now can passionately discuss these fiendish words because he posted the entire list on his Facebook blog! (Forgive me, Father, for I am tempted.)

Ted, if you read this, I just want you to know that I think you're an angel (I mean that with utmost biblical context, of course).

So, my fellow doodies, are you ready to read the list of NO-NO words?

As always, my comments/explanations are in red...

(FYI: Before we get started, I feel as though I should mention that as I write this post I'm not wearing any undergarments.)

LOVE INSPIRED WRITERS, thou shalt not write the following words...

Arousal
I recommend using the word "horny," since its not on the list.
Bastard
Bet/betting
Bishop
Also, try to avoid being Catholic or Episcopalian if you're a writer for Inspired Romance. And my gosh, don't be a chess piece.
Bra
I get this one: Because duh, bras are for holding "boobs," and we don't want any Christian fiction readers (who happen to be MOSTLY female) being tempted to wear bras or think about bras or look down and notice they are wearing bras.
Breast (except for breast cancer if necessary)
Which also means that your characters can NEVER be sitting at a restaurant devouring a chicken breast sandwich. And PLEASE, none of your characters can be robin red breasts.
Buttocks or butt (alternatively, you can say derriere or backside)
Use ass instead. Or bottom.
Crap
Damn (try "blast" instead--Good suggestion, Steeple Hill, you guys get my creative juices flowing!)
Darn
Perhaps blarst?
Dern/durn
Devil (except in the religious sense, but the circumstances would be rare)

Dang or Dagnabbit
Unless your characters are Amish or Rednecks...
Doody
Which means no Howdy...
Father (when used to describe a religious official)
In other words: WE HATE CATHOLICS
Fiend
For heaven's sake (can use "for goodness' sake" instead)
For the love of Mike
For Pete's sake
You might consider using For @pwilson's Sake instead. Everybody loves @pwilson.

Gee
Geez/jeez (but "sheesh" is acceptable)
Unless followed by us.
Gosh
So no texting OMG?!
Golly
Halloween
Harlot
Yes, we're thinking the same thing: Steeple Hill would not let God write fiction for their Love Inspired imprint.
Heat (when used to describe kisses)
Heck
Hell (except in the religious sense, but this would be rare)
Holy cow
Use Holy God Almighty instead: We wouldn't want people to think you're a Hindu. ~~Sheesh~~. I mean, geez!
Hot/hottie
Hunk
Need/hunger (when used to describe non-food-focused state of being)
Pee
Your characters are also not allowed to piss, tinkle, or peepee.
Poop
Yep, your characters are NOT allowed to sh*t, even with an asterisk.
Panties
Your characters must all go commando.
Passion
Priest
ALL CATHOLICS ARE GOING TO HELL. Duh!
Sexy
Sex
Sexual attraction
In other words, your characters are not allowed to be human
Tempting (as applied to the opposite sex)
St. [name of saint]
Swear, as in "I swear..." - Christian characters are not supposed to swear.
Undergarments - of any kind
Whore
Which means you can't talk about Bible stories that include Rahab, Bathsheba, "woman at the well," or "Hosea's wife."

The following are allowed only in the context mentioned: You get the point...

Angel - only when used in a Biblical context
Miracle - only when used in a Biblical context
Oh my God/Oh, God - ONLY allowed when it's clearly part of a prayer
Heavenly - only when used in a Biblical context
Although you can say “He cursed” or mention cursing, do not overuse. Furthermore, only non-Christian characters can curse.
Situations to be avoided:
Kissing below the neck
Visible signs or discussions of arousal or sexual attraction or being out of control
Double entendre
Nudity - people changing clothes "on screen" or any character clad only in a towel
Hero and heroine sleeping in the same house without a third party, even if they're not sleeping together or in the same room

Also, Christian characters should not smoke, drink, gamble, play cards or dance (except in historical novels they may dance but please limit to square dances and balls (Ha! You can say "balls"), no “sexy” dancing like waltzing cheek to cheek), and terms associated with these activities should only be used in connection with bad guys or disapproving of them or such.

Bodily functions, like going to the bathroom, should be mentioned as little as possible and some euphemism may be necessary but we don't want to sound quaint or absurd.

Wow. WTF?

Thankfully, Steeple Hill didn't excommunicate the words penis, vagina, screw, testicles, nipples, pomegranates, and jewels. So I suppose there's still a number of "hot" scenes an author might be able to write.

I wonder if Steeple Hill writers are allowed to read scripture?

But seriously, can this kind of fiction really be good for society or "better for society" than fiction that is realistic?

This is sad to me. Not surprising. But definitely sad.

jesus pictures of the day

2009-11-20T14:27:00.001-06:00

"I just wanted to tell you that I love your fish sticks." -Jesus

"After you finish confessing your sin, do you mind if we re-enact that scene from 'Lion King'? But I get to play the baboon." -Jesus

"[Laughs] that really tickles. Smells great. But tickles." -Jesus

"If I ever get my hands on the guy who wrote that poem, so help me I'll...." -Jesus

"Yes, I did heal her, but she reached for the hem of my robe." -Jesus

And after he had baptized Jesus, John the Baptist snapped his fingers and declared, "Work it, girl."

"Do you ever have days when you feel not-so fresh?" -Boy

"Yes, I promise; if you drink my Living Water, you'll never thirst again and you'll become the most famous whore in history." -Jesus

"I think I'll make this one a Cabernet Sauvignon."

"Sticks and stones may break...." -Jesus writing

chris tomlin christmas winners!

2009-11-19T17:20:00.000-06:00

Thank you for entering the contest. I'm overwhelmed by the response.

THE SIX WINNERS OF CHRIS'S CD ARE...

Chad Estes

Dan Gross

KeLi from TowboaterFamily.blogspot.com

CassieLovesPJ

Evan Doyle

Kristi from MyWhiteNoise.blogspot.com

And of the six winners, the GRAND PRIZE winner is...

DAN GROSS

Winners, please send an email with your mailing address to MatthewPaulTurner@gmail.com. In the subject line please include CHRIS TOMLIN WINNER. Thanks guys! And congrats!

jesus got what?

2009-11-19T15:19:00.000-06:00

This picture was sent to me by @AaronBReddin

nothing says 'good news' like old album covers

2009-11-19T12:50:00.000-06:00

The album's title is awesome.

Floating heads is always a nice touch.

My parents owned this.

This lady came to my church several times. She wore that dress once, too. And you could totally see her lips move when "Ricky" talked.

A message of hope...

British Christians HATED this group I'm sure.

"But I take Valtrex... "

hark! free christmas music for all

2009-11-18T05:00:00.006-06:00

I love independent artists. Well, I love some independent artists. When I worked at Jammin Java in Northern Virginia, I met so many creative people who longed to make a living performing music professionally, but for one reason or another weren't able to do that. Considering I had my own musical aspirations at one time--you'll be able to read about that in my next book Hear No Evil--whenever possible, I love helping independent musicians get the word out about new projects.

With that said, I'd like to introduce you to singer/songwriter Aaron Hale. I like him partly because he and I share affection for dark thick-rimmed glasses, but I mostly like Aaron because the music he makes is a combo of pure melodies, intricate instrumentation, and honest delivery. And I also appreciate him because... 1) he comes highly recommended... WATCH THIS!

And 2) he's giving away his new Christmas EP--HARK!--for free! Details about THE FREE MUSIC after my short Q&A with Aaron.

Aaron, why did you decide to make a Christmas EP?

I decided to make this EP to give my friends and family a special Christmas gift. I wanted to make it simple and acoustic so that it would be a little more intimate for the listener. It's a little "thank you for the support" to my friends all over.

You penned one of the three songs, right?

I wrote the first track ("Good News!") and the last verse of "The First Noel."

What do you think makes a good Christmas song?

I think the best Christmas tunes are hymn-like in nature, giving hope for peace on earth and goodwill to men... and, of course, adding sleigh bells really does the job, too.

As an independent artist, what's your biggest challenge?

Money. For sure.

Do you play live shows? If so, how can people who might want to book you get in touch with you?

I do play shows. I also love leading worship. I'm working on booking a tour for the spring, as well. For booking you can contact Rick Roberts: onecreation@live.com.

Can you tell us about one holiday memory that is special to you?

My extended family spent the holidays at a cabin in Colorado when I was about eight years old. It was awesome. I took skiing lessons, and decided then and there that skiing was NOT for me. I got Goonies II for Nintendo that Christmas morning. I jammed to an MC Hammer cassette I received. I played with my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figures in the cabin basement and my sister got New Kids On The Block concert tickets. It was, like, the greatest Christmas in history!

And now for that one crazy--truly unanswerable--question that I expect you to answer anyway: If you could offer each person in the world the same gift this Christmas, what would that be?

Well, other than peace on earth, the presence of loved ones and a delicious holiday meal by a warm fire... I guess I would offer people Aaron Hale's new sensational Christmas EP!... Heck, it's available for download FREE, so I guess I am offering each person in the world the same gift this Christmas.

PLEASE DOWNLOAD AARON'S CHRISTMAS RECORD HERE!

Also, be sure to check out Aaron's other music at iTunes.

jesus pictures of the day! (the 'jesus is my friend' edition)

2009-11-17T20:00:00.000-06:00

Jesus loves the little white kids, all the white kids in the world

"Miss Jesus, you're so pretty."

"I'm just carrying you for the picture." -Jesus

"Hello sweet little girl and lame little hunchback boy. I suppose you've come here for a healing." -Jesus

the voice of psalms winners!

2009-11-17T19:02:00.001-06:00

Winners were selected using Random.org.

1) COMMENT #3 by 'ngel

2) COMMENT #198 by Eva Joy

3) COMMENT #188 by pmradio

**Winners, please email your mailing address to MatthewPaulTurner@gmail.com. Please put "VOICE WINNER" in subject. Thank you and congrats!

For those interested in buying this title at Amazon.com, please follow the link below.