Jesus or Squirrel?

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noreply@blogger.com (Chad Estes) — Thu, 27 Feb 2014 14:22:00 +0000

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Elevation Church Excels at Water Sports

noreply@blogger.com (Chad Estes) — Fri, 21 Feb 2014 00:42:00 +0000

At Elevation Church, in Charlotte, N.C. they have their brand marketing down pat. They have figured out what their Big Hairy Audacious Goal is, which is to baptize as many people as they can. They can tell you exactly how many people they dunked each year- and they number in the thousands.

But not only do the in-service baptisms take planning, they take a lot of crowd manipulation. What has been discovered by a local TV station is that Pastor Steven Furtick plants volunteers in the various locations in the crowd to get the momentum going when he calls for 'spontaneous' baptisms.

While most churches have a stage, what many members don't realize is that some things that their church leaders attribute to the 'moving of the Spirit' has actually been staged.

Here is an excerpt of a story from the NBC affiliate in Charlotte,

And Elevation produced a document to show other churches how they could do likewise.

It’s titled “Spontaneous Baptisms – A How-To Guide” and the church shared it freely on the Sun Stand Still website.

“They had people in the crowd stand up who never intended to be baptized,” said James Duncan, a communications professor at Anderson University and critic of Furtick. “They were shilling for Steven and the intent was these shills stand up and everybody else follows.”

Duncan blogged about the baptism guide in a post he titled, “How Steven Furtick engineered a miracle.”

“Although Furtick says this is a miracle, it’s not a miracle,” Duncan said. “It’s emotional manipulation.”

The spontaneous baptism how-to guide describes its purpose as to “pull off our part in God’s miracle.” Church leaders have repeatedly referred to the mass response as a “miracle.” But the guide reveals plenty of human staging.

“Most people would not want to be seen as manipulating a group because then you would have questions of authenticity,” said Rev. David Key, who teaches Baptist studies at Emory University’s Candler School of Theology.

Rev. Key compares the mass baptism service to a show at Disneyworld. “This church has obviously discovered what we in the industry call the ‘Disneyfication’ of religious services.”

More stage instructions tell volunteers to go to staging rooms outfitted with towels, pre-printed t-shirts, sports bras, boxers, makeup remover, hair-dryers and flip-flops. Volunteers are instructed to “pick young energetic people” to go on stage first to be baptized and “not necessarily those who are there first.”

“Think of the room in terms of a NASCAR pit stop,” the guide reads. “Quick in and quick out.”

It takes “30 to 45 seconds” to baptize each person as church photographers snap photos.

More volunteers are told, “You are looking for one or two great stories in your group. When you ID those individuals, place a ‘black wrist band’ on them so that the video crew can interview them….”

The guide then tells the “media team” to be “mining great stories and pushing them up to the video crew.”

James Duncan calls it “marketing for God and because it’s for God it’s OK.”

The baptisms, the photos, the video marketing all serve to build brand loyalty to Elevation.

“Look at how much branding these churches do - the bumper stickers, the T-shirts, the hats, the bracelets – everything,” Duncan said.
But parts of the mass baptism guide have drawn sharp criticism – from other Christians. Page one shows that the first people instructed to respond to Pastor Steven’s call to baptism were not converts suddenly inspired but Elevation volunteers carefully planted in the crowd.

The guide instructs, “Fifteen people will sit in the worship experience and be the first ones to move when Pastor gives the call. Move intentionally through the highest visibility areas and the longest walk.”

Hype... It isn't the same thing as the Holy Spirit. Learn to tell the difference.

God Played a Joke on Pat Robertson

noreply@blogger.com (Chad Estes) — Sat, 10 Nov 2012 18:58:00 +0000

Some are calling for Pat Robertson to be labeled a False Prophet for telling his friends and viewers that God had told him that Mitt Romney would be the next President of the United States.

I’m more apt to say that God has a really funny sense of humor!

(Pat is about to get his own tag on this site…)

I’m Crossed with The Crossing Church

noreply@blogger.com (Chad Estes) — Thu, 07 Jun 2012 17:48:00 +0000

I’ve never wanted a ‘Dislike’ button any more than right now.

seen at Jesus Needs New PR

Snake-handling Pastor dies from… you guessed it

noreply@blogger.com (Chad Estes) — Thu, 31 May 2012 00:32:00 +0000

West Virginia Pentecostal Pastor ‘Mack’ Wolford boasted on Facebook this last week about a special home-coming service he was hosting over the weekend. Turns out he wasn’t so good with snake handling, but he was pretty darn prophetic.

Mark 16: 17-18 reads, "And these signs shall follow them that believe: In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues. They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover."

His sister, Robin Vanover, told the Washington Post 30 minutes into the service her brother passed around a rattlesnake. “He laid it on the ground and he sat down next to the snake, and it bit him on the thigh.”

Please note that the scripture said nothing about putting down the snakes, just taking them up. Mack’s problem was that he just wasn’t taking the Bible literally enough.

Though the squirrel would like to feel sorry for this pastor, he sort of saw it coming. Seems that Mack’s dad also died of snake bite in a similar service when he was 39 years old. Now the family has two Darwin awards to its name.

Pastors in Skinny Jeans? God Help Us.

noreply@blogger.com (Chad Estes) — Fri, 18 May 2012 21:29:00 +0000

Why is it that when I watch this video I want to poke out my eyes and take a 3 hour shower?

Abuse the Gay Away

noreply@blogger.com (Chad Estes) — Wed, 02 May 2012 17:05:00 +0000

To the dismay of many religious circles the “Pray the Gay Away” programs just don’t seem to be working. A North Carolina pastor has challenged his congregation to try a new tactic when their male sons act effeminate – to punch them.

"So your little son starts to act a little girlish when he is four years old and instead of squashing that like a cockroach and saying, 'Man up, son, get that dress off you and get outside and dig a ditch, because that is what boys do,' you get out the camera and you start taking pictures of Johnny acting like a female and then you upload it to YouTube and everybody laughs about it and the next thing you know, this dude, this kid is acting out childhood fantasies that should have been squashed.

Dads, the second you see your son dropping the limp wrist, you walk over there and crack that wrist. Man up. Give him a good punch. Ok? You are not going to act like that. You were made by God to be a male and you are going to be a male. And when your daughter starts acting too butch, you reign her in. And you say, 'Oh, no, sweetheart. You can play sports. Play them to the glory of God. But sometimes you are going to act like a girl and walk like a girl and talk like a girl and smell like a girl and that means you are going to be beautiful. You are going to be attractive. You are going to dress yourself up.'"

The pastor now says his words were meant to be funny.

How come nobody is laughing?

Maybe we could all decide to punch pastors in the mouth when they say something that is unloving and doesn’t represent Jesus at all.

Just joking.

Mark’s Birthday

noreply@blogger.com (Chad Estes) — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 23:48:00 +0000

If you didn’t get the point to this movie please pay attention. Baby Jesus wants to blow out his own damn candles – anything less makes him cry.

Christian Sisters Rebuttal to Rick Perry

noreply@blogger.com (Chad Estes) — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 23:03:00 +0000

The Squirrel wants to know when these girls are old enough to run for political office.

A Great Anti Tea Party Sign

noreply@blogger.com (Chad Estes) — Sat, 08 Oct 2011 19:03:00 +0000

*snicker*

Looking Slick, Missing the Love

noreply@blogger.com (Chad Estes) — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 06:44:00 +0000

President and Founder of the Christian Apologetics and Research Ministry, Matt Slick, spent the evening protesting W. Paul Young’s (the author of The Shack) speech at Northwest Nazarene University in Nampa, Idaho.

He missed an incredible night of stories of God’s intimate and loving involvement in our lives while standing on the street corner letting people they shouldn’t be attending what he thought would be a heretical discussion.

He tried to get into a discussion with me about universalism when I went out to take his picture. He asked me if I thought everybody was forgiven. I told him I thought that was Jesus’ point on the cross – “Forgive them, Papa, they are clueless what they are doing.” I thought it was a slick answer but Slick didn’t seem to think so.

If Jesus had been born a cat

noreply@blogger.com (Chad Estes) — Thu, 22 Sep 2011 22:40:00 +0000

This plate was definitely Satan’s idea.

A Smile That Will Make You Cry

noreply@blogger.com (Chad Estes) — Thu, 22 Sep 2011 21:35:00 +0000

Pretty sure this one is Jesus.

What is Love?

noreply@blogger.com (Chad Estes) — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 06:37:00 +0000

Wizard of Oz is a God-hating Movie

noreply@blogger.com (Chad Estes) — Tue, 13 Sep 2011 15:47:00 +0000

Watch Pastor David Grace act out the satanic movie, The Wizard of Oz. I think he missed his calling.

Religious Reality TV– SAVE ME!

noreply@blogger.com (Chad Estes) — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 21:14:00 +0000

My friend Jim Henderson is putting together a reality program where people of different faiths “go to any length to spread their message.”

Contestants will play for the opportunity to have their message heard and possibly win converts, as well as the chance to win a significant cash prize that will be donated to the cause or organization of the winner’s choice.

If you are interested, go to the audition page and submit your video application by midnight, September 6, 2011.

Here are the questions you will need to cover in your 4 minute video:

What is your name and where are you from?
What religion do you practice or follow and what is the name of your denomination or
group within the religion? (ex. Christian, Presbyterian)
Do you believe it is the one true or best religion? Yes/No Why? (50 words or less)
What’s your story of being “saved or joining” your religion? (150 words or less)
What is the process your religion typically uses to convert people? What does it look like? (150 words or less)
What happens to people who accept your faith? Tell us about the afterlife reward (100
words or less)
What happens to people who reject your religion’s beliefs? Tell us about the afterlife
punishment. (100 words or less)
Why are you willing to give up several weeks of your life with no pay? (100 words or less)

Crack in Washington Monument is a Sign from God

noreply@blogger.com (Chad Estes) — Sat, 27 Aug 2011 00:50:00 +0000

Televangelist Pat Robertson suggested Wednesday that cracks in the Washington Monument caused by the August 23 earthquake could be a sign from God, and the natural disaster “means that we’re closer to the coming of the Lord.”

To explain the rare east coast quake, Robertson pointed to the Biblical prophecy of the end of the world, which claims there could be potential devastation from natural disasters leading up to Jesus' return to Earth.

On his television show, "The 700 Club," Robertson said:

"I don't want to get weird on this, so please take it for what it's worth, but it seems to me the Washington Monument is a symbol of America's power. It has been the symbol of our great nation, we look at that monument and we say this is one nation under God. Now there's a crack in it."

"Is that a sign from the Lord? Is that something that has significance, or is it just the result of an earthquake?" Robertson asked his viewers.

found at Huffington Post

When asked about it God just responded, "You know Pat. He just cracks me up!"

Christian lady talks about people who don't act like Christians

noreply@blogger.com (Chad Estes) — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 17:22:00 +0000

...and then she demonstrates what she is talking about.

The Judgment found stashed in Episcopal Church

noreply@blogger.com (Chad Estes) — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 05:23:00 +0000

A famous Rembrandt sketch called, The Judgment, was stolen last week at the Ritz-Carlton in Marina del Rey. It was recovered by deputies after being tipped off that the famous artwork had been seen in the office of Father Mike Cooper at the Saint Nicholas Episcopal Church in Encino, California.

No one has been arrested for the theft.The pastor is not considered to be a suspect. Deputies removed the sketch and took it back to their precinct lockup.

Hopefully this won’t be the last time judgment is removed from the house of God.

Italian Monks call for Plague of Diarrhea

noreply@blogger.com (Chad Estes) — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 04:18:00 +0000

GIVE ME BACK MY BIBLE!!! (Jesus in his best Mel Gibson voice from the movie Ransom.)

A group of Franciscan friars furious at the theft of bibles from their church in Florence have taken the unusual step of praying for the thief to be struck down by diarrhea.

Friars at the 15th century church of San Salvatore al Monte, which was a favorite of Michelangelo, were irritated when a rare and expensive bible disappeared from the lectern, and they flew off the handle when a replacement bible donated by a worshipper also went missing and within a few hours.

In a note, pinned up in full view of worshippers, the friars say they hope the thief sees the error of his ways. But in case he does not, they add: "We pray to God that the thief is struck by a strong bout of the shits."

This turn of events will, they hope, "encourage him to carry out no further thefts".

Described by La Stampa newspaper as "the product of the Tuscan ability to be ironic about anything", the note and its unorthodox request will be forgiven, claim one of the friars. "It is not exactly clean language," the friar said, "but we couldn't put up with it any longer. The Lord and the faithful will understand."

found at The Guardian

Apparently if someone needs a shirt, you are supposed to give them your jacket too. If they want you to carry their school books for a mile, you carry it a second one. But if they need, and take, your Bible, you should call down a good case of the shits on them.

Michele Bachmann is King David

noreply@blogger.com (Chad Estes) — Thu, 18 Aug 2011 22:11:00 +0000

Peter Waldron, a staffer involved in Michele Bachmann’s faith outreach, has compared Texas Governor Rick Perry to Old Testament King Saul and Bachmann to King David. On his Facebook page the day after Bachmann’s straw poll victory in Iowa on Saturday, Waldron wrote, "From afar and in prayer I see a Saul and David scenario between Perry and Bachmann. One looks everything like a king while the other is anointed." Waldron later told his followers that Bachmann "fights with the anointing of God upon her."

found on Religion Dispatches

Dare I say, SQUIRREL!

Tune in next week when Bachmann is compared to Moses.

Even Jesus Thinks Rick is an Jerk

noreply@blogger.com (Chad Estes) — Sat, 13 Aug 2011 02:20:00 +0000

Ten steps to make Jesus rethink unconditional love.

Find someone on Craigslist trying to find a good home for their dog.
Pretend to be somebody that you’re not.
Pretend to provide care that you won’t give.
Take ownership of the dog.
Place a new ad the next day on Craigslist selling the same dog for money.
Make up a story to this family too.
Ignore original owner when they call to check up on their dog.
Start process over.
When caught, lie.
When a reporter shows up, pretend that you know and love Jesus.

Footprints In the Sand – Updated

noreply@blogger.com (Chad Estes) — Thu, 11 Aug 2011 19:29:00 +0000

"That time you looked back and only saw one set of footprints? That's when I unfollowed you."

No Longer Welcome at New Welcome Baptist

noreply@blogger.com (Chad Estes) — Thu, 11 Aug 2011 17:01:00 +0000

Stop me if you’ve heard this one.

The Worship leader and the Senior Pastor weren’t getting along. The pastor didn’t like the Worship leader’s song selections, probably didn’t like his attitude and choice of foot ware either.

The Worship leader didn’t like the Senior Pastor either. Figured he should stick to teaching the Word and stop micromanaging the other ministries in the church, especially since he couldn’t carry a tune to save his life.

It all came to a head during communion, when Christian brothers are supposed to deal with their oughts against each other. Pastor Riley held out the grape juice to Worship leader Simone Moore but Simone wouldn’t take it from him. This caused Pastor Riley to get hot, cause Lord knows the refusal was nothing less than insubordination.

Pastor Riley decided to fire Simone after church the next Sunday in the presence of all the deacons. Simone decided to ask for his last paycheck with his mother, Agolia, as his witness.

"They owed him. He asked them for his money. That was the big thing right there, wasn't no more or no less," Agolia said.

That was when Deacon Hunt pulled out his knife and started slashing at people, hitting Agolia in the arm.

“Oh my god he done cut me!" yelled Agolia.

Simone, not one to watch his mother be attacked without fighting back whipped out his taser and zapped Pastor Riley.

Agolia, who required 19 stitches and a surgery says she know longer feels welcome at New Welcome Baptist Church and will look for a new place to worship God. Simone will look for a new job. Riley will look for a more affable worship leader. And Jesus will look for better representation in Prichard, Alabama.

Captain Israel vs. Foreskin Man

noreply@blogger.com (Chad Estes) — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 19:05:00 +0000

Whether you see circumcision as Male Genital Mutilation or a sacred religious right you now have a superhero fighting for your cause.

Which do you think looks best is superhero tights? Actually, never mind.

Original article at Huffington Post by author John Shore