Jesus, the sandwich

2012-06-13T17:00:00.000-04:00

Captain Verdana sat in the office waiting room. The Admiral wanted to speak to him about the fiasco. He sighed.

The search for the ship had begun. In relative terms, they were looking for an object the size of a small super-ball. It would be an arduous job, but it had to be done.

The Admiral stepped into the office and Captain Verdana stood and saluted as duty dictated.

“Sit,” The Admiral ordered sharply.

Captain Verdana did as he was told and began to fear what was coming to him.

“We have declared this planet, Earth, a galactic enemy,” the admiral venomously spat as he leaned forward and clenched his fists. “They are to be destroyed. Do you understand me?”

Captain Verdana nodded nervously for a second before he recalled that he needed to verbally answer. “Yes, sir,” he said.

Waiting and Stranded I

2012-06-10T11:38:00.001-04:00

Waiting and Stranded I

Crammed into the tiny little escape pod designed for one person, Captain Verdana and Giq waited impatiently for rescue. The Escape was a narrow one, and Captain Verdana had no clue wether any other of the crew made it out before the white hole implosion device activated. In short, it was a storage unit devised to transport large amounts of cargo in only a tiny cargo hold. Only, it compressed the entire ship when the fool bag of chips activated it.

Captain Verdana huffed again. He was infuriated. Now he felt little to no guilt about his mission. Earth was to be destroyed, and he was more than excited to help in the destruction.

meanwhile...

2012-06-08T09:28:00.001-04:00

meanwhile...

Meanwhile, behind the facade of this innocent story of adventure...

I sit at home, hating my job. Jesus, the Mexican Gardener Sandwich, advised me to plant habanero peppers, so I did. He’s been pretty helpful at giving advice and sitting around.

I’ve been trying to make some big moves in my life, and I feel like a salted slug in molasses. But, it’ll happen, I suppose.

I’m looking to do some interesting things in the world of my writing. I’ve been struggling with my last chapters of this novel, and I really want to start this new one. I’m not sure if I should really be going on about this fucking shit, but I guess I need to fucking vent occasionally.

Fuck...

Home I

2012-06-07T08:11:00.002-04:00

Home I

The ride home was made in silence. What could they really say to each other, Liz wondered. She was still a bit confused about what all had just happened.

They had landed in the desert so as to avoid any notice, and they had been driving ever since. Again, they headed towards the coast. Back to California.

She glanced over at Judas who was looking off into the distance. The world was dark at the moment, and the sun was hours from rising, but they were in no mood for sleep.

Judas, the bag of chips, looked at Liz and saw her looking at him. He smiled at her, and she smiled back. “So, I was just wondering, did we just save the world?” Judas, the bag of chips, asked.

“Yeah,” Liz replied with a smile. “I’m a little confused about the whole thing, but I do think we saved the Earth.”

(Are you confused yet?)

run III

2012-06-02T06:13:00.001-04:00

run III

They rounded the last turn, and stood before the door to the launch bay. Judas, the bag of chips, cursed Star Trek under his breath for giving him the misconception about doors on a space ship. No doors opened when you came to them. Instead, Judas and Liz had to force large bolts to open the doors.

They made it into the launch bay as they heard boots tromping their way towards the bay. They closed the door and struggled to close it before the guards could catch up to them. It took little time to get into their little ship.

“But one last thing before I go,” Judas, the bag of chips said as he set the device he had taken to detonate only moments after they left the ship.

The bay doors opened as the little car ship lifted off.

“Punching it,” Liz said as she gunned it. She barely made it through the bay doors, she was in such a hurry.

Space was odd in the way that it never seemed like you were moving unless you were passing something. With the ship behind them, Liz had no idea how much space had been put between them and the ship before it would blow up.

They had cruised for a while before they decided to look behind to see what had happened to the ship.

“Wow,” Judas, the bag of chips, exclaimed as he watched the ship implode into itself.

Run II

2012-06-01T15:09:00.000-04:00

Run II

“I can not believe that worked,” Judas, the bag of chips said as he and Liz ran down the corridor.

“Fuck yeah!” Judas, the bag of chips agreed.

The guard was knocked out in the cell. Honestly, Judas, the bag of chips didn’t think he would have the strength to knock him out once Liz seduced him inside the cell, but it worked.

“Now what do we do?” Liz gasped as they ran for, what was likely, their lives.

“Get off this ship,” Judas, the bag of chips, replied between huffs.

They ran down a corridor, turned to another, and both realized that they were lost.

Liz stopped and took a long deep breath. “We don’t even know where it is we’re going,” she observed.

Judas smiled as he saw the door with the universal sign that simply stated with one black and yellow picture to be careful with whatever was beyond the door if you didn’t want to blow up. He opened the door and saw cases with symbols that said the same thing. “I’ve got an idea,” he said as he grabbed a case that looked like something he could carry.

And it was about then that the alarm sounded.

“Shit!” Liz said, still trying to catch her breath. “The guard... He’s... up!”

run I

2012-05-31T19:47:00.000-04:00

run I

Captain Verdana sat in his big Captain’s Chair and wondered what he should do about the prisoners, much less their planet that he was ordered to devastate. He had pleaded so as not to have to blow it up, and the council relented so long as he devastated their world enough to remove the threat of the Cane.

The little girl was pretty. He wouldn’t have minded a bit of her, but he was sure that the strange creature that was obviously a bag of chips was her lover. “What strange lovers these earth females keep,” he mused to himself.

“Pardon, Captain?” Giq asked.

“Oh, sorry,” Verdana said. “Just talking to myself.”

“The planet is before us,” Giq said, rolling his eyes at his Captain’s musings. “What are your orders?”

Captain Verdana was about to order Giq to fire upon the defenseless planet when an alarm went off.

celled

2012-05-30T18:34:00.002-04:00

celled

Getting restless, Judas, the bag of chips, started to pace the floor in the cell. Every thing about what had been going on was driving him insane. The whole mess was confusing.

Another hour passed as they waited to hear from Captain Verdana again. Whatever it was that he would say, Judas was sure it wouldn’t be what he wanted to hear.

A life time ago, he’d been sitting comfortable in a living room watching a sandwich plant seeds. Yet, he left the comfort of that safe place to end up in a cell on a ship in space.

“Fuck!” Judas, the back of chips, exclaimed. “Rotten fucking shit. Once, I was ignorant and happy. Mother fuck!”

Miffed and stressed about Judas’s outburst, Liz sighed and rolled over on the little cot. “Every thing will be fine, I’m sure,” Liz lied.

four

2012-05-29T14:01:00.001-04:00

four

“I’ve been ordered to wage a war against your world,” Captain Verdana explained as he paced back and forth. “What the substance called Sugar on your world had done is tear apart a very important planet. A single drop if diluted Cane delivers a chemical euphoria into the Todevaalian brain. Now the whole planet is addicted to the stuff.”

There was a silence that crossed the table.

The earthlings sat there, wondering how sugar could be such a bad thing.

“Okay,” Liz said, “you what us to stop bringing sugar to space. But what are you going to do about other smugglers?”

“Eradication,” Captain Verdana said. “Lousy council wants me to destroy the whole planet.”

“Oh my god!” Judas the bag of chips blurted. “Very overboard idea there.”

“Even if I could disobey the order, they would just send another ship to do the job,” Captain Verdana explained with a sigh. “Damned imperial council has really blown this one way out of proportion.”

part tree

2012-05-23T14:14:00.002-04:00

part tree

Liz sat in the corner chair with Judas, the bag of chips, beside her. Opposite them sat Captain Verdana with his head in his hands.

Verdana lifted his head and said, “I need to know if there were any other smugglers. Everyone on your planet is in danger because of this.”

“I don’t know what your talking about,” Liz persisted. “Sugar is all we have. God, you can’t tell me that Sugar is illegal in space!”

“Only one place in the universe has the substance like sugar,” Verdana said. “Nowhere else can we get it to grow. Earth is the only planet it grows on.”

so on

2012-05-22T15:33:00.001-04:00

so on

Irritated with the rouse, Captain Verdana sighed and motioned for the guards to take the couple into custody.

“Admit that you’re here to meet a little Todevaalian with cane,” he persisted.

Manacled and being held before Captain Verdana, Liz felt her heart pound in her chest. She tried not to cry as she looked at the tall, attractive space man. “Alright, we were here to meet some guy,” Liz whispered. “Don’t hurt us,” she pleaded.

Just read it...

2012-05-21T18:50:00.003-04:00

Just read it...

He stepped through the doorway to see his captives. Every bone in his body told him he should have just blasted the little smuggler ship from existence when it was spotted, but Captain Verdana decided to see who the smugglers were. Lights went on inside the little ship, illuminating two passengers. Paused in mid-stride, Captain Verdana watched the two get out of their little ship.

“My Name is Captain Verdana, of the Imperial Armada,” he said. “Everything in your ship is confiscated.”

“I’m missing something, I think,” Judas, the bag of chips, observed. “Are we in trouble?”

Mixed with emotions of fear and amazement, Liz stood confident with Judas. Any one could be out here, they had reasoned. Lovers, out for a cruise, for instance. Only one way to find out if it would work. Now, with pulses beating heavily, Judas, the bag of chips, and Liz hoped they could pull of the innocent act. Except, this Captain Verdana didn’t seem to be buying it.

inside the belly of the Flargnar

2012-05-18T08:47:00.000-04:00

Inside the belly of the Flargnar

The inside of the ship was clean and bright, unlike the sleazy alien’s ship they had been on before. Liz could feel her chest tighten as she looked around. She was terrified to see what kind of alien would walk through a doorway near them.

“You think they’re here to pick up the sugar?” Judas, the bag of chips, wondered.

Liz shook her head. It didn’t feel right. She was sure they were in deep shit.

And then a doorway before them opened, and two silhouettes stood in the light from beyond the doorway.

Liz gasped.

“Fuck,” Judas, the bag of chips, said.

big daddy thunder guns!

2012-05-17T08:21:00.002-04:00

big daddy thunder guns!

“Where the fuck is this guy,” Liz asked, annoyed that they had been waiting for almost two hours for the little alien guy. She looked at Judas, the bag of chips, and saw that he too was getting a little antsy. “I’m getting a little worried, here.”

“Yeah,” Judas, the bag of chips, agreed. “Maybe we should bug out for now. Come back later, or something.”

“Yeah,” Liz said, but suddenly froze where she was because as she looked out the side of the car window, she saw a ship that seemed to come from nowhere. It was silver and black with strange writing across it’s large domed front end. It brandished what looked like guns that fit well with the whole ‘space ship’ theme. It exuded a feeling of doom that sent shivers up Liz’s spine.

“Get out of here!” Judas, the bag of chips, uttered in a panic.

“Yeah,” Liz whispered, and she started the engine. She turned the little space car around and tried to gun it away from the maniacal looking ship, but the little space car only hummed as it was drawn backwards.

“Fuck!” Liz blurted out as she smacked the steering wheel.

Ahhh... III

2012-05-11T08:14:00.000-04:00

Ahhh... III

Judas, the bag of chips, looked at Liz as she slept. Her soft, naked form was pale in the light. Her sweet face mushed against a pillow with drool running down her chin. He smiled, happy to have a girl to have sex with again. How long had it been? Centuries. Oh, and she was a delight.

He went to the window and looked out into the city. They had found a little place in Pittsburgh to move into together. Theirs was a romance based on money, sex, and alien influence. Judas, the bag of chips, smiled at his world. He had to go buy sugar, and load up the car. It was soon time to meet their contact out in the solar system again.

Da good shtuff

2012-05-09T07:47:00.000-04:00

Da good shtuff

Zimbo pushed the hyper-drive as hard as he could to get away from the forbidden stars system. He was almost a light year away when his proximity alarms warned him that he had been trailed. He checked the drive signatures and saw that it was an Imperial Armada destroyer.

“Fuck!” Zimbo said. There was no choice but to stop and allow them to board and inspect his cargo. He couldn’t combat a destroyer.

He was being hailed. He tuned into the frequency and sighed with relief. “Oh, it’s only you,” Zimbo said. “For a moment I was really worried.”

The man in the Imperial Armada uniform smiled and simply said, “I’d still have worried.”

A second later, Zimbo’s cargo ship carrying the illegal Cane exploded silently in the vacuum of space.

Ans SO on../

2012-05-08T12:57:00.002-04:00

And SO on../

The blue little man like creature who only stood a yard high took all the sugar from the trunk of the vehicle. He put it into cases and returned to Liz and Judas, the bag of chips, ten gold bars that were six inches long, two wide, and an inch thick. Enough gold to make the odd looks at the grocery stores for buying so much sugar at once seem forgotten.

Gold collected, and the sugar gone, Judas, the bag of chips, and Liz headed back to Earth, happy to have made such a deal.

III

2012-05-06T09:20:00.001-04:00

III

Captain Verdana walked slowly back onto his ship where his crew awaited. His orders were simple, but he felt pretty awful for it. He was not a man who regretted things, and now he was regretting involving the small planet that wanted none of his schemes. Only, now he was their death sentence.

Captain Verdana sighed as he walked through the airlock to his ship.

“Your orders, sir,” Giq asked as he stood just on board to find out what the big deal was about.

“Disembark,” Captain Verdana said. “We’ve got work to do.”

III

2012-05-02T19:13:00.001-04:00

III

“Captain Verdana?” the tall frog like gentleman at the front podium asked as Verdana stood before the eighteen men representing the eighteen major star systems in the Galactic Empire.

“Yes?” Captain Verdana returned.

“Your records show you to be the most courageous and adamant soldier in the Armada,” the frog like man continued. “You have been a the sole survivor of many battles. You have also been a valiant hero to many. Your deeds as a soldier and hero are well documented.

“Also, it is well documented that you have been implicated in many attempts at Piracy and the exploitation of several under-developed worlds.”

There was a silence that Captain Verdana knew was just the calm before the berating began. He waited, never letting his stern face waver.

“I have asked you here for your help,” the tall frog man said. “My world is afflicted, and we have found the culprit of our addiction.”

Captain Verdana didn’t need to be told the history of what had come to addict the planet of Todevaal. It was his crowning achievement, he had remembered. He found a substance on a small planet that had no contact as of yet with the Empire, that Giq had gone crazy for. He found that anyone from the planet Todevaal reacted the same. And the stuff was easy and cheep to obtain. Captain Verdana had made a fortune in one year. So much so that he gave up the business since he had made more in one year than he would otherwise have done all his life. It was perfect.

Only, did this Todevaalian know about Captain Verdana’s involvement?

II

2012-05-01T15:47:00.002-04:00

II

Captain Verdana dressed in his best uniform. It was the one that he saved for only the most auspicious occasions. He looked at himself in the mirror that ran the length of his door in his quarters. He smiled, his award accepting smile. He knew he looked good. He walked out of his quarters and to the link hatch. He looked out the portal at the grand space station that was the hub of the Galactic Armada.

He wondered briefly if he was going to be executed. Eh, maybe they didn’t know that it was all his fault.

“Fuck,” he muttered. He knew that he was only lying to himself if he tried to imagine they believed he was innocent.

Aside from that: I

2012-04-28T07:44:00.001-04:00

Aside from that: I

Judas, the bag of chips, watched as Saturn passed by them. He sighed. “So where are we supposed to meet these people?” He asked.

Liz looked at the navigation computer. “Just a little further,” Liz said. “The guy said that there would be a beacon that we’re supposed to find. The ship will come soon after we arrive.”

“You know, I’ve been thinking about this,” Judas, the bag of chips, said. “It just seems a little too convenient, you know. I mean, we’ve got a huge pile of gold, and all we need to do is use this sweet space ship car, fill the trunk with as much sugar as we can, and bring it into space. I mean, how come sugar is worth a pile of gold?”

“Yeah,” Liz admitted. “It does seem easy, almost too easy. But what an adventure, huh? I mean, no one in my family has left New Jersey in decades, and here I am on my way to the edge of the solar system in a space car. This is awesome! How could I have turned it down?”

Judas, the bag of chips, nodded. She was right. He sat back and enjoyed the ride.

Ship... and Giq

2012-04-27T09:02:00.001-04:00

Ship... and Giq

Giq, the green fellow sitting in the captain’s chair, stood up as Captain Verdana walked through the hatch into the bridge.

“How are we looking?” Verdana asked as he took his place in the chair.

Giq smiled and said, “Just the normal. They keep asking about you. I think you may really be in trouble this time.” He had a smug smile on his dark green face. Giq had no hair, small nostrils and a broad mouth with sharp tiny teeth. His fingers were webbed, and his throat extended as he breathed. He looked like a toad, really.

“Thanks for noticing,” Verdana retorted. “Well, lets get it over with. Where’s every one else?”

“Scub and Dallup are sleeping,” Giq said. “It was my watch.”

“Fuck,” Verdana said as he punched into the guidance system the location of the Galactic Armada headquarters.

Well... it was bound to happen...

2012-04-22T20:01:00.001-04:00

Well... it was bound to happen...

Captain Verdana sat in his chair, playing with the chain that served as his belt as it dangled loosly between his legs. The whore was finished, since he was, and she was getting a shower.

He sighed. He couldn't help but worry about the future. The Universe he's known was changing. The rampant use of Cane was getting out of hand, and even Captain Verdana had to admit this simple truth. But what could he do now.

Admiral Dallar had called for him to stand before the Galactic Armada Council, and it could only mean one thing. They were going to call Captain Verdana out about his involvement with making Cane available to the universe.

But what could he really do? If he tried to run, how long would it really be before someone would rat him out. He was famous. All over the Galaxy, he was known for his heroic deeds.

"Fuck!" he blurted as he leaned back. He looked down at his naked crotch and legs. He stood up with an angry sigh and pulled up his pants. He looked in the mirror at all six and a half feet of himself. He was broad shouldered and would have looked lean in the mid section were it not for the pudge from lack of discipline in his diet. He sucked in his gut and stood proudly for a moment. He exhaled, and let the pudge win.

He walked into the bathroom where the whore was still showering. He looked at her almost too perfect body through the transparent force field shower curtain and sighed. It was a shame, he thought to himself as he blasted her with the laser gun. She fell, dead, on the floor of the shower, never to give such amazing head again.

Captain Verdana left the room, paid the bellhop to dispose of the whore's body, and he headed to his little private ship. It was time to see the council...

"Fuck," he muttered as he took off into space.

A begin and end.... um, something.

2012-04-21T20:15:00.000-04:00

A begin and end.... um, something.

Judas, the bag of chips, stared into the tranquil waters off the dock in San Diego. He wondered if any one would believe the story he could tell about his adventures over the past week. But then, who would even care to listen.

He turned away from the water and smiled as he looked to Liz leaning against the hot red sports car. She pulled the sunglasses from her face as she smiled. Judas, the bag of chips, looked Liz up and down, soaking in how amazingly sexy she looked in her tight, short leather dress. "We moving?" she asked.

"Yeah," Judas, the bag of chips, said as he put his shades on. He looked down at the bulge that was his cock and realized that all the sacrifices were worth it. No matter how it turns out.

Judas, the bag of chips, sat in the car and Liz started it up. As the car lifted off into the atmosphere, he realized that no one would probably care to hear what had happened to him anyway.

lunch with the Moonkins

2012-04-20T19:51:00.001-04:00

lunch with the Moonkins

Liz awoke early Easter morning and took a long, hot shower. She was hungry and realized she was early enough for breakfast, so she dressed and headed out for breakfast. The room where breakfast was being served was right next to the office where Liz checked in. "Hello, dear!" Glyndi greeted sweetly.

Liz looked around at who her company was. There was a nice looking couple who were midgets, sitting at one of the tables with their two children. The children were of normal size, but young enough to be only as tall as their dwarfed parents. Aside from the midgets, there was a scowling young woman with two ugly guys who seemed to be measuring Liz up for something diabolical.

Liz took a seat by herself, and was soon joined by Glyndi. "What can I get for you, dear?"

Liz ordered some pancakes. She was sitting there, waiting, when the scowling young woman cam over and sat across from Liz. She smiled in a sleazy way, and Liz felt her skin crawl.

"Hey, so, traveling?" the young woman asked.

Liz said, "Yeah."

"You wanna earn some gas money?" the woman asked.

Liz understood the deal. There was probably a van or limo somewhere waiting for a young woman to say yes to sex with a stranger for money to be posted on some crappy website online. "With those creeps," Liz asked, motioning to the two ugly guys. "No way."

"C'mon," the woman persisted. "It's easy, and I'll give you five hundred dollars."

Liz chuckled. "Piss off. You know, I'm off to LA to work in the porn industry, but I've at least got enough sense to not say yes to one of your cheesy ass shitty web flix with dirty, likely infected grease ball guys."

the woman stood with a vicious look in her eye. "Well, fuck you, cunt! You'll learn! I'll be sure to see you fuck worse than those guys in L.A.!"

The bitch walked away and Glyndi came out from the kitchen with a stack of pancakes on a plate.

"They try to get you in their van, huh?" Glyndi asked as she sat opposite Liz.

"Yeah, but they're creeps!" Liz said.

Glyndi smiled. "But your getting into a whole world like them if your off to L.A. for the porn world."

Liz looked at Glyndi in awe and surprise. "How did you know?"

"I was once where you are," Glyndi said. "Besides, your friend, the bag of chips was up earlier, and we chatted. I'll tell you a good piece of advice. You need to find the right person out there in L.A. Then your set. And I happen to know the guy you need to find. His name's Ozzi Wizald. People just call him Wiz, and he's got his fingers in all sorts of good things out there. he can probably help your bag of chips friend to find a cock." Glyndi smiled sweetly and stood up. "Well, enjoy your pancakes and remember what I said."

Glyndi headed back into the kitchen, and Liz was left to enjoy the delicious pancakes.