JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

Mom Died

noreply@blogger.com (Karma) — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 23:43:00 +0000

It has been a long time since I posted. But I know that some of you still follow, so I wanted to let you know that Mom passed away on January 4. I was there. I am heartbroken and grieving.

Good News!

noreply@blogger.com (Karma) — Sun, 23 May 2010 15:43:00 +0000

I got a job as a Visiting Assistant Professor in my field at a top liberal arts college not too far away. My new partner is going to make the move with me. Things are going VERY well! My surgery is on Wednesday, and I'm pretty scared about it. It won't be a fun process, but I am very grateful to have all of these good things in my life -- including a very good friend who will come into town just to take care of me! Thank god because I would never manage it on my own, and my biological family won't help me at all. I do miss my mom though very, very much.

When a Girl Needs Her Mom

noreply@blogger.com (Karma) — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 23:22:00 +0000

So apparently I need surgery. I've been having pretty bad pain for the last couple of months, especially during my period. After a pelvic ultrasound, which is a little traumatic for a survivor, it appears that I have 2 cysts and 2 fibroids, each about 4cm. I also have endometriosis all over my pelvic area. I got referred to a gyn surgeon who wants to do laproscopic surgery who said that it will take between 2-5 hours depending upon what she finds. Recovery is a week or two, and for the 1st week, I'll need someone around to take care of me.

My sister said that she won't do it. I'm so hurt. I didn't ask my dad, but he didn't offer either. I had been talking about it with 2 friends and offered to pay their ticket, neither of whom are working right now, but I'm not sure if they'll do it. I'm feeling really freaked out right now. I feel vulnerable, alone, and I miss my mom. I need my mom to come take care of me, and she can't.

I've been going to this ridiculously expensive acupuncturist who apparently can cure cancer. He's got me on this disgusting "tea" and coming in twice a week, even though his office hours conflict with work. He told me that I need to lose some weight and that stress and trauma are having a big effect on things.

I want to confront my sister, but I don't know how to do it without being mean and starting a fight. I want to have someone in my life to take care of me. I have been seeing this really fabulous person, who has offered, but it is SO early in the relationship, it just doesn't seem appropriate. I don't want him to be my everything and to be so dependent on him. I want to have people in my life who I can lean on in times like this, and it sucks to think that maybe I just don't have that.

I'm having a hard time concentrating on work. I just want to cry and sleep and crawl up in bed snuggling with my dog. Yeah, I guess I'm depressed. I'm a little nervous that this could be ovarian cancer (which my grandmother died of) or that I'll be infertile (even though I prefer to adopt, don't know what this new guy wants, and afraid I'll lose him if I can't give him kids). I'm just scared, vulnerable, and trying to make it through.

On a side note, I'm really sick of the 90 spam attempts on my blog. Seriously, everything has to be approved, so stop trying to advertise on my blog.

Rape Victim's Choice: Risk AIDS or Health Insurance? Women Who Are Attacked Can Get Tangled in the Insurance System

noreply@blogger.com (Karma) — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 19:32:00 +0000

By Danielle Ivory
Huffington Post Investigative Fund

1:38 pm | 21 Oct 2009

Christina Turner feared that she might have been sexually assaulted after two men slipped her a knockout drug. She thought she was taking proper precautions when her doctor prescribed a month’s worth of anti-AIDS medicine.

Only later did she learn that she had made herself all but uninsurable.

Turner had let the men buy her drinks at a bar in Fort Lauderdale. The next thing she knew, she said, she was lying on a roadside with cuts and bruises that indicated she had been raped. She never developed an HIV infection. But months later, when she lost her health insurance and sought new coverage, she ran into a problem.

Turner, 45, who used to be a health insurance underwriter herself, said the insurance companies examined her health records. Even after she explained the assault, the insurers would not sell her a policy because the HIV medication raised too many health questions. They told her they might reconsider in three or more years if she could prove that she was still AIDS-free.

Stories of how victims of sexual assault can get tangled in the health insurance system have been one result of the Huffington Post Investigative Fund’s citizen journalism project, which is calling on readers to provide information and anecdotes about the inner workings of the insurance industry. The project aims to uncover details and data that can inform the larger debate over how to fix the nation’s health care system. As the Investigative Fund reported in September, health insurance companies are not required to make public their records on how often claims are denied and for what reasons.

Some women have contacted the Investigative Fund to say they were deemed ineligible for health insurance because they had a pre-existing condition as a result of a rape, such as post traumatic stress disorder or a sexually transmitted disease. Other patients and therapists wrote in with allegations that insurers are routinely denying long-term mental health care to women who have been sexually assaulted.

Susan Pisano, spokeswoman for the health insurance industry’s largest trade group, America’s Health Insurance Plans, said insurers do not discriminate against victims of sexual assault and ordinarily would not even know if a patient had been raped.

"These issues you are bringing up, they deserve to be brought up,” said Pisano. "People who have experienced rape and sexual assault are victims and we want them to be in a system where everyone is covered."

Turner’s story about HIV drugs is not unusual, said Cindy Holtzman, an insurance agent and expert in medical billing at Medical Refund Service, Inc. of Marietta, Ga. Insurers generally categorize HIV-positive people as having a pre-existing condition and deny them coverage. Holtzman said that health insurance companies also consistently decline coverage for anyone who has taken anti-HIV drugs, even if they test negative for the virus. “It’s basically an automatic no,” she said.

Pisano, of the insurance trade group, said: “If you put down on a form that you are or were taking anti-HIV drugs at any time, they [the insurance companies] are going to understand that you are or were in treatment for HIV, period. That could be a factor in determining whether you get coverage."

Some doctors and nurses said that the industry’s policy is not medically sound. “The chance of a rape victim actually contracting AIDS is very low. It doesn’t make any sense to use that as a calculus for determining who get health insurance,” said Dr. Alex Schafir, faculty instructor at Providence St. Vincent Hospital in Portland, Ore.

Nurses who deal with sexual assault cases say the industry’s policy creates a significant problem for those treating women who have been assaulted. “It’s difficult enough to make sure that rape victims take the drugs,” said Diana Faugno, a forensic nurse in California and board director of End Violence Against Women International. “What are we supposed to tell women now? Well, I guess you have a choice – you can risk your health insurance or you can risk AIDS. Go ahead and choose.”

Turner, now a life and casualty insurance agent, said she went without health coverage for three years after the attack. She second-guesses her decision to take the HIV drugs. “I’m going to be penalized my whole life because of this,” she said.

Several women told the Investigative Fund that after being sexually assaulted they had been denied care or ruled ineligible for health insurance because of what were deemed pre-existing conditions stemming from their assaults -- particularly post traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD.

A 38-year-old woman in Ithaca, N.Y., said she was raped last year and then penalized by insurers because in giving her medical history she mentioned an assault she suffered in college 17 years earlier. The woman, Kimberly Fallon, told a nurse about the previous attack and months later, her doctor’s office sent her a bill for treatment. She said she was informed by a nurse and, later, the hospital’s billing department that her health insurance company, Blue Cross Blue Shield, not only had declined payment for the rape exam, but also would not pay for therapy or medication for trauma because she “had been raped before.”

Fallon says she now has trouble getting coverage for gynecological exams. To avoid the hassle of fighting with her insurance company, she goes to Planned Parenthood instead and pays out of pocket.

A New Mexico woman told the Investigative Fund she was denied coverage at several health insurance companies because she had suffered from PTSD after being attacked and raped in 2003. She did not want to disclose her name because she feared that she would lose her group health insurance if she went on the record as a rape victim. “I remember just feeling infuriated,” she said.

“I think it’s important to point out that health plans are not denying coverage based on the fact that someone was raped,” said Pisano of the insurance trade group. “But PTSD could be a factor in denied coverage.”

“That might not be a discriminatory action, but it certainly would seem to have a discriminatory impact,” said Sandra Park, staff attorney at the Women’s Rights Project at the American Civil Liberties Union. “Insurance discrimination against rape victims will only further discourage them from coming forward to law enforcement and seeking medical help.”

Even when patients have coverage, there are fundamental disagreements between insurance companies and doctors about what mental health treatment is medically necessary. The Investigative Fund spoke with doctors, psychologists, and licensed clinical social workers around the country who work regularly with victims of sexual assault. They said that their patients have been experiencing an increase in delays and denials, particularly for talk therapy.

“There’s a lot of anger about this in the medical community,” said Dr. George Shapiro-Weiss, a psychiatrist in Middletown, Conn. “You don’t realize what an Alice in Wonderland web this has become.”

“A lot of my patients are being told that their treatment isn’t medically necessary,” said Keri Nola, an Orlando, Fla., psychologist, who said about 75 percent of her patients are victims of sexual violence.

Several therapists cited problems with managed care companies that specialize in mental health. Such firms generally work under contract with health insurers to hold down costs while still authorizing appropriate care.

To watch a video about a rape victim’s efforts to obtain mental health services, click below.

Some therapists and patients said the managed care companies have cut off necessary treatment for sexual assault victims in the name of cost containment. “The companies are peppering them with questions about their symptoms, and about their histories, and asking, ‘Well, are you sure you really need therapy?’” said Jeffrey Axelbank, a New Jersey psychologist. “For someone who has been traumatized, it can feel like another trauma, and it makes the therapy less effective.”

Pisano, of the insurance association, said it was not fair to draw a larger pattern from such anecdotal evidence. “These situations are evaluated on a person-by-person basis,” she said. “There is nothing routine about this.”

Jim Wrich, a Madison, Wis., a consultant who helps employers evaluate the companies that manage their mental health care, said his work has made him wary of the industry. “This is absolutely routine – these denials,” Wrich said. “The default position is to reject care.”

Magellan Behavioral Health Services, Inc., one of the nation’s largest managed-care companies with more than 58 million customers, said that it does not routinely turn down treatment requests from victims of sexual assault or other clients. “We’re not denying care. We are exercising our responsibility to make sure that medical necessity is met,” said Dr. Lawrence Nardozzi, Magellan’s medical director. “I think the process works well.”

Asked if cost is a factor in the company’s decisions, Magellan spokeswoman Erin Somers said: “If all the safeguards are in place to determine whether treatment is medically necessary and appropriate” then “the cost takes care of itself.”

A former care manager for Magellan said in an interview that she felt pressure to deny care for cost reasons. Lois Gorwitz, a psychologist with thirty years of experience who went to work for Magellan in California in 2000, said her superiors would tell her: “We are not denying this person treatment, we are denying them their benefit. If they want the treatment they can still pay out of pocket.” But, Gorwitz said, “You know that means that the person is not going to get the treatment because they can’t afford to pay out of pocket.”

Gorwitz quit after two years. “It’s a very uncomfortable feeling of not being able to offer help,” she said.

Asked for a response, Magellan’s Somers said, “I think you should keep in mind that there have been a lot of changes at Magellan in the last seven years. I think the people who work at Magellan now are not having that experience.”

Moving is a Nightmare

noreply@blogger.com (Karma) — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 23:12:00 +0000

I'm in the middle of a nightmare. I drove across the country with a good friend who is a very good sport. It cost more than I expected to ship stuff, I didn't finish packing in time, and I stuffed the car to the brim and there was more left over. The second day, my dog got altitude sickness and then had a panic attack in the hotel room. Two days later, I saw my mom and family in Kansas City. Then next day, I saw a good friend in Indianapolis.

The whole trip took a week. I was exhausted when we got here, and so was my friend. I only had the rental car for a couple of days, so I tried to make the most of it. But, the short version is that I've been living without furniture, living out of boxes. The place here isn't safe and my dog is showing signs of extreme stress. Now, I'm showing signs of stress, :P.

I am trying to get out of my lease here and move into a new place, and the whole thing is a mess. Landlord WAS understanding, and then sent me a late night freak out email. The new place was a done deal, and now they may not take the dog. I'm completely and totally exhausted and about at my wits end. I feel very alone right now and scared.

Looking for a Place to Live

noreply@blogger.com (Karma) — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 23:53:00 +0000

I'm looking for a place to live this weekend in Boston, and my stress level is WAAY up there. It is a bit of a roller coaster, honestly. I see a place, fall in love, and then someone else talks me through all of the problems with the place. I think that I found the place I want to live -- it is in the Jamaica Plain neighborhood, which is very diverse, relatively affordable, super easy to get to work, where many of my local friends live, feels like an urban neighborhood. I really like it here.

The place I found is 2 bedrooms - although the second bedroom is ridiculously small. There is plenty of space though to turn it into an office or a spare bedroom. I would have my own pretty nice washer and drier - although its in the basement. There's an off street parking spot. Everything is recently renovated and really nice -- that's pretty rare in the neighborhood. Oh, and it has a security system that I could choose whether or not to pay for -- but that would help with safety issues. There are places to go out and eat or have a drink and a gym around the corner.

But because of that, the price for the apartment is pretty high. Prices in this town are high altogether -- no matter where or for what. So I've been looking at possibly having a roommate too. But I prefer not to have one. I prefer to live on my own.

But I'm starting to freak out about paying so much money. I hate making these kinds of decisions on my own.

Its been a stressful week and time is just flying by. Its already 8pm, and I'm exhausted. I'm tempted to go back to that neighborhood and check it out more, but part of me wants to just take the place I like, stop worrying about it, and move on.

I feel like this decision raises a common issue for me -- which is spending money on myself. My father has trained me to spend as little on my self as possible. I've even been tempted today to call him and try to like get his permission to spend so much money. I'm a grown woman though and I don't need my father's permission. I need to give myself permission!

Ch-ch-ch-changes

noreply@blogger.com (Karma) — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 06:04:00 +0000

It has been a long time since I've blogged, and I really appreciate those of you who continue to check back with me despite my hiatus from writing. I've been really exhausted. But, good things have been happening. I successfully defended my dissertation and graduated with my PhD. I've just received a job offer as a postdoc at a university on the East Coast.

I'm about to start teaching a summer course and figuring out the details of moving across the country. I'm feeling happy, but overwhelmed. I'm nervous about all that I have to do, not being able to take a vacation, not being able to make it to Israel for my friend's wedding, and starting my life in a new place.

I look ahead into the future, and I see things opening up for me. Everything I've been working for is right there.

But, things are horrible with Dad. And I have no idea about Mom's condition other than Dad continues to try to euthanize her with Oxycontin and Oxyfast.

There is a lot for me to do, but things are going really well. And I'm surrounded by really amazing friends. I'm a lucky girl.

Back Again From Esalen

noreply@blogger.com (Karma) — Sun, 03 May 2009 02:07:00 +0000

I went again to Esalen this past week for a 5 day grief workshop. It was a bit of a roller coaster, but mostly very relaxing, re-energizing, and healing. I actually skipped out of the workshop after the first day, when I felt like the space wasn't right for me. But, I knew exactly what I needed and gave it to myself. Big Sur is one of the most beautiful places on earth, so that doesn't hurt. Nor does the amazing hot springs baths and the super healthy food with plenty of wheat-free options including a daily baked wheatless rye sour dough bread.

Today, I woke up feeling fabulous. I went to the gym to work out and then came home to do laundry, unpack, catch up on email, etc. I did stop in the middle to meditate, but I'm starting to feel --- well how to describe it -- it is just hard to transition back to my life here. I've been noticing that I often have a feeling of anxiety in my chest. I can feel it in my heartbeat - this tension. I've been noticing that for a long time. And I feel it now.

But I think that the depression is broken. At least, I haven't felt depressed for days or weeks. I can't even remember.

I had a mad affair with this man 15 years older than I am, who is a commitment phobe, lives 100+ miles away, and in many ways is just all wrong for me. It was a passionate, life affirming affair and an intense connection between us. But, it made me realize that I consistently fall for the "wrong" people -- people who are unattainable, who clearly aren't going to give me what I need -- and that is what makes it feel safe. I've known my pattern for a long time, but I can't seem to stop it. I guess maybe that I can recognize my pattern sooner is a good thing. I think this affair just made me realize JUST how much I want to have a life partner. I realize that I'm clearly not ready and that my life is a bit of a mess, but I want someone to cook meals with, to watch a movie on a saturday night with, to talk about my day. I want someone to share my life with. Thank god for my friends. I'm trying to surround myself with warm friends to ground myself. I know that I have to lose my attachment to finding someone and work on continuing to better myself and my life. I know that I have to continue my process of grief and cutting my father out of my life so that I can finally heal.

I hope that in the future that I continue to give myself vacation time. I would love to have full weekend days that don't involve work at all -- a day once a week just to be. Having 5 days to just "be" was such a blessing, and I'm very grateful for that time. I also loved being in a space where generally, people are just completely open and real. There's no bothering with chit chat; people just say what's on their minds and talk about the deep issues they're dealing with. I wonder what it would take to feel like I felt there all the time -- connected, real, content, and grounded.

I have an idea to perhaps, if I don't get a job in my field, to open the Holistic Center for Healing from Sexual Violence. I thought before about a Jewish center, but now I think maybe just a holistic center that would have spiritual aspects to it - but not connected to any one tradition.

I wish to all of my readers that you are able to find a space I experienced for yourself. I think that when we commit to healing ourselves and stay grounded in that intention, that things can really shift - especially when in spaces which support that and when coming up with rituals to faciliate the healing.

When Are Anti-Depressants Necessary?

noreply@blogger.com (Karma) — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 22:36:00 +0000

I am still debating whether or not to go on an anti-depressant. Some days are better than others, and while I feel less depressed than I did a month ago, its still here. I don't know what is depression really though and what is just grief. If what I'm feeling is just grief, then is it appropriate to go on an anti-depressant? I'm going to discuss this stuff with my therapist Wednesday. And I'm going to keep working out a lot, taking herbal anti-depressants, and taking the meditation class.

What Makes Me Smile

noreply@blogger.com (Karma) — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 21:28:00 +0000

April suggested, in a comment to my last post, that I think about things that make me smile to help me battle the depression that's been setting in as a consequence of feeling hopeless about how my father is handling the care (or lack there of) of my mother.

I had her question in my head last night when I started to feel the depression wave come in. So I first went to work out, but then I realized that I had forgotten socks in my gym bag (and I was wearing flip flops) so I had to skip that. I went home and ate a whole box of mac and cheese. Then, I decided to take myself on a shopping spree. When I went into the Aveda store, I was offered a chakra balancing and neck massage. It was just what I needed. Even though that was a pretty expensive depression treatment, it made me realize that there are things that I can do to shift things.

So here's my list.

Things That Make Me Smile

massages
watching my dog play with other dogs
yoga
hanging out with friends (sometimes)
seeing an old friend
talking to my niece and nephew
sex*
flowers
a really good meal
cookies
Danny Kaye movies
seeing students learn
acupuncture
watching the sunset
brunch with friends
working out at my gym with the trainers who have become like friends
sushi
the coffee shop around the corner from my place
people telling me they appreciate me
getting a pedicure with Jennifer

Ah, I need to be in a relationship!!!

Depression is Setting In

noreply@blogger.com (Karma) — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 20:44:00 +0000

Since the crisis that happened about a month ago when my father announced once again that he intends to euthanize Mom, I have gone through a range of emotions - anger, fear, sadness, hopelessness. Through this process, a deep depression is setting in. I either cry or feel numb. I'm having problems concentrating. I feel disconnected from my friends and have a hard time being present. I'm never hungry, but I tend to overeat.

My therapist said that maybe I should consider going on an anti-depressant. I have ordered some more natural stuff online and am waiting for it to arrive in the next few days. I figure that I'll try that, and if it does not work, then I'll make an appointment with the Psychiatrist at school (whom I sometimes refer to as my pusher). I may need to go ahead and make the appointment soon since she tends to book up and have a waiting time of up to a month.

I'm trying to keep up with working out 5 times a week, making myself connect to other people and do things with others, keep plugging along with work, seeing my therapist and the counselor from Hospice, and caffeinating myself to the point of being jittery just to be able to focus. I know can feel the depression setting in, and I don't like it. I wish that there was a way out of it other than medication.

Dating is Painful

noreply@blogger.com (Karma) — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 17:47:00 +0000

Last night I went out with the perfect on paper match.com guy again - as friends. After I bought very expensive theater tickets he told me that he had started dating someone, but that he'll still come. Augh! I hate dating.

So we went for this very awkward and uncomfortable dinner, and then saw the show - for which we were late because he insisted on ordering dessert even though we didn't appear to have time and I had told him I wasn't interested because I had been that afternoon for a cupcake tasting (for my friends' wedding --- it was fabulous!).

And, I'm just frustrated. I actually joined match.com to meet this guy, and he's the only one on there locally that seems interesting to me. He doesn't really seem that interested in developing a friendship because he's leaving town soon and has a lot going on in his life. He didn't seem totally present at dinner. And maybe its all for the best. Maybe this is the universe sending me a sign that I should stop looking for someone perfect on paper and look instead for someone who has qualities that don't show up in those websites -- someone warm, compassionate, good communicator, who shares my values? I don't know. All I know is that I'm exhausted.

Missouri Adult Abuse Hotline Rocks; Kansas Adult Protective Services Rude & Unhelpful

noreply@blogger.com (Karma) — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 05:30:00 +0000

I got a call from the Missouri Adult Abuse Hotline. They cited deficiencies to the new hospice organization, Odessy. They've instructed them that they have to make decisions now based on medical evidence, and that they have to be documenting the reasons for their decisions -- if my mom is in pain, they have to document the signs of that pain. If they want to give her more pain medication, they have to relate to that documentation of her being in pain. The woman there was very supportive and helpful.

Shortly thereafter I got a call from Kansas Adult Protective Services. The woman there was rude and completley unhelpful.

Its a very frustrating and nerve renshing time. Mom had a 3 minute seizure yesterday, which is very long for what she had been experiencing. (They used to be about 15 seconds.) I'm not sure what's happening regarding her care.

Compassionate Communication (NVC)

noreply@blogger.com (Karma) — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 21:46:00 +0000

I've been taking a class on this method of communication and below am practicing it.

What happened:
I called Tonia back and told her about getting bad student midquarter reviews. She went off on how bad of a teacher I am. I told her that I didn't want to be criticized, especially at such a late hour. She told me that giving advice is what she does. I told her that's not what I'm needing. She told me that's all she can offer. Then she started giving me more "advice" on how bad my teaching is this quarter. I told her that this wasn't helping me. The phone was disconnected. Then, she did some work on statistical data analysis to help me, but she wouldn't listen to what the problems were. So her work was not helpful to me. The family crisis then happened, and I decided that I didn't want "advice" but to be supported, so I didn't call Tonia. She called J and had her push me to call Tonia asap because Tonia NEEDED to hear what the progress was with the statistics. I called Tonia and told her that I am in crisis with my family, don't want advice, and there hasn't been any progress on the stats. She thanked me for calling because she had already (it had only been about half a week) deleted my number from her phone. I ended the conversation quickly after she confirmed that she wouldn't be able to support me, only give me advice.

NVC:
When I am given "advice", I feel hurt, alienated and discouraged because of my need to feel heard and supported. Are you willing to talk about what its like for me when you give me "advice?"

What happened?
Dad told me that he wants to euthenize Mom, and then without telling me switched her medications and hospice.

NVC: When I don't know that Mom is recieving the best possible care and how she's doing, I feel anxious, frightened, and hurt because of my need to know that my mom is safe and secure.

Family Drama Erupts: Reporting Dad to the Authorites

noreply@blogger.com (Karma) — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 03:40:00 +0000

Well well, the shit has hit the fan again. Dad called me again on Sunday and acted like everything was normal. Then, Monday morning I get a call from my sister. Apparently, Dad has taken Mom off the hospice service and started with some new company that perhaps is a hospice. She no longer gets music therapy, and there was some mess about the old hospice taking back the bed and wheel chair before the new hospice had brought theirs.

Dad moved Mom to this new hospice because they agreed to take her off Ativan (which she takes to limit seizure activity), to increase her dosage of Oxycontin, and to add Oxyfast. She had been getting Ativan 4 times a day, and now she's down to 3. They're doing that INSTEAD of just reducing the amount of Ativan she gets in each dose.

Dad had planned this already last week but had lied to me when talking to me about it. He's trying to Euthenize her and now he's found someone to help him. My therapist said that if I didn't call to report him that she would -- because she's a mandated reporter.

I called the old hospice social worker to get suggestions on what to do. She suggested that I call the new hospice and speak to Mom's social worker there. Then, she said that I should call the Long Term Care Ombudsman because he'll be able to act faster than if I call the Elder Abuse hotline.

I called the new company, and they told me that they'd page the social worker and call have her call me back. Twenty minutes later, I got a call from my father. He told me that the company has been instructed that if ANYONE other than him calls to ask about Mom, they're to phone him and not to say ANYTHING about Mom's situation.

Dad told me that he didn't tell me because I had disagreed with him and that he's not interested in my opinion because what happens with Mom is up to him. I told him that I only phoned the company to find out what's happening with my mother because he doesn't tell me. He went through some basics of what was happening, and we got off the phone. I was having a hard time keeping my calm with him, as was he with me. We decided better to not talk than to argue.

I phoned the Ombudsman who said the he remembered me from my previous complaint that Mom wasn't getting enough private hours of care and that since he had one of her caregiver's (the best of the lot actually) lack of lisensure that everything should be settled. With the current issue, he suggested that I call the Elder Abuse hotline but said that he couldn't help me. I felt hurt that after my risk of trying to help my mom, he had actually made things worse and almost felt proud about it. And, he was completely blowing me off and not showing any concern for my mother.

I then phoned the Kansas Elder Abuse hotline. They told me that since the new company is based out of Missouri that I have to call the Missouri hotline and should also call Kansas Adult Protective Services. This of course, only after I got to the end of making the report and going through the whole story. He said that what my father and this new company are doing is very serious.

So next I called the Missouri hotline and then Adult Protective Services. Each call took what felt like a half an hour. No one told me what was going to happen other than Adult Protective Services who said that it was unlikely, but possible, that I would be supeanoed if my father is arrested.

I haven't mentioned anything to my sister about what I've done because I fear that it'll get back to my dad. I'm really afraid of what is going to happen but feel very good about doing everything in my power to take care of Mom. I'm especially nervous about my father's state of mind (that Mom should die as soon as possible) without any care about what this is like for her. Its all about him and not at all about Mom not to mention any care about what its like for my sister or me. I can't believe that he's going against all medical advice and that this company would go along with him.

My father has been verbally and emotionally abusive to everyone in my family for as long as I can remember. When this is all over, I want him out of my life. Its because of my father that I am afraid to love and am waiting for anyone that I'm in a relationship with to hurt me. Its because of my relationship with him that I come to want to get people out of my life anytime they hurt -- I really want to get my father out of my life but can't. Its because of him that I have no boundaries and have low self-esteem. He has pitted every member of my family against each other. He's tried to sabotage me over and again. He's a monster or a saint -- Jeckle or Hyde. And I always open up to him again because he's my father and I want us to have a good relationship. But, this is the last straw.

I spoke today with my mom's cousin who may have just talked me into challenging him legally if he successfully takes my mother's parents' money illegally that my grandmother very carefully worked to make sure would not get into his hands.

And I won't feel guilty about any of it. I hope to be able to move on with my life - to be able to excise his abusive energy out of my life forever. And more than anything, I just hope that he doesn't make things too horrific for my mother.

Family Drama and a First Date

noreply@blogger.com (Karma) — Sun, 08 Feb 2009 06:23:00 +0000

Dad called me up two nights ago to again tell me that he wants to take Mom off of Ativan because he thinks when she has seizures that she declines more quickly. Its so frustrating; all medicine tells us that she has seizures when she's declining quickly but the seizures are a result of the decline, not a cause. Its frustrating. He doesn't like the hospice that Mom is on because he thinks that she's declining not as quickly on hospice.

I went on a first date -- or predate -- I don't know. I met a guy on match.com who is perfect for me on paper: he's a JewBu, very smart, passionate, an activist, liberal. It was fun, but at points kind of painful because the whole thing is so forced. And I tried to get into to it, but its hard to make yourself vulnerable with a perfect stranger. To make it even harder, I met with a student who is struggling beforehand and had some meshugas with one of my faculty members just before that. So it was hard to get myself prepared. Its also hard to do light chit chat when there's so much deep stuff happening in my life. And you don't want to talk about your mom dying on a first date.

The Short Version

noreply@blogger.com (Karma) — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 06:47:00 +0000

So, here's my story: I had a phone interview a few days after the whole email experience (see the last post). That really raised my spirits. Of course, since then I found out that 30 people had a phone interview with this place, and they're likely to pick their top person from all 3. I haven't heard anything back which indicates I'm likely not that one.

My advisor left the country for a month long vacation, which makes me feel a bit free. Of course, there's the looming unemployment coming and the fact that I'm killing myself to finish a degree that they may hold back from me because of that unemployment.

On the upside, I am continuing my work of creating better connections in life with others. I'm taking a class on non-violent communication. I put myself back on match.com and have a date on Saturday (an afternoon coffee date) with a man who is perfect on paper. And I'm managing to not get my hopes up too high about him and remembering that if he isn't a good guy who cares about strong communication and treating his partner well, then I'm not interested anyway.

I've been feeling extremely stressed the last week. I can feel it in my pulse. The stress in my life is enormous -- Mom's dying, graduating, unemployed soon, may have to switch careers, will likely have to move. Its a lot.

But I'm trying to find a BuJew way about it. I have been reading "When Things Fall Apart" again and trying to focus on practicing non-grasping and learning to enjoy the moment, even if the moment is hard.

Hatred in My Department

noreply@blogger.com (Karma) — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 03:36:00 +0000

Monday night around 10pm, I got an email from a professor in my department that was sent to the department list serve. A very hate-filled email comparing Israelis to Nazis with horrible graphic pictures from the Holocaust and Gaza. One had a little girl's decapitated head in Gaza next to bodies of Jews killed by Nazis.

I was so upset that the professor sent this that I wanted to immediately respond. I called my friend Jennifer and asked her to talk me down. People often send heated things out on our department that lead to horrible disagreements. I have been warned recently that when I'm up for a job, people on the hiring committee will call any professor in the department that they know to ask about you. So I didn't want to get on anyone's bad side. But as an Israeli and the descendant of Holocaust survivors, I felt like I couldn't be silent.

My friend helped me come up with the idea to ask the department chair, who is on my committee, to say something so that I don't have to. I crafted her a well-thought out email explaining why I think what the professor said is over the line. And I didn't hear back.

I went into a trauma cycle and started binging on food and alcohol. I only had two drinks, but that's enough to potentially trigger a migraine for me. I fell asleep from a food and alcohol coma.
But, I woke up around 3am. I was wide awake with a bit of a headache and with all of the feelings. I had to teach on Tuesday. It was a long and disturbing night. I listened to my guided imagry CD and took homeopathic medicine.

The next day, I ran into the chair of the department. She told me that she had decided to not say anything because she thought it violated the professor's academic freedom to have her limit what could me said. This really hurt me because she's stepped in previously when a graduate student made rude comments to a professor and in another case when someone made racist comments to Chicano students. I felt as if my hurt didn't matter.

I was considering letting the whole thing go. I mean, I am graduating in 6 months, hopefully. I decided to write an email response and then just save it in my drafts. It felt better to get everything out and to spend the time carefully crafting out my thoughts and clarifying what my experience was in a thoughtful and sensitive way.

Then, I got an email from my chair justifying her decision that I could just get off the listserv if I wanted and that the list is meant for people to post whatever they want. I was so hurt and angry that I decided to send out my email response to the listserv.

At first there was no response, and that made me feel a little hurt. Then, I got emails from other Jewish graduate students in my department, thanking me for being brave enough to send the email. They felt the same way. I felt better for having said my peace and voicing what I need - to not have hostility in my workplace (and asking for what I need is something that I really struggle with).

The next day, another professor sent out an email to the listserv calling for an academic boycott of Israel. Now, this would include not allowing me to do what I had done for my MA research and not allowing me to apply for postdocs in Israel. The boycott call has been going around the world for years, so this was clearly posted, I and some of my friends believe, in direct response to my email. It was like a screw you to my request to be respected.

Now, I'm super upset. I can't focus. I have gotten several emails of support from fellow students, but the faculty are silent. Other than my advisor who asked me when I was okay about what happened; I told her no. I don't think that she's going to do anything about it. I took myself off the listserv, which means that I may not receive notice about conferences, jobs, and funding opportunities. But I'm not putting myself through all that.

My therapist says that I'm running, which is a pattern from me - that I shouldn't demonize the department and that I should learn to not distance myself from those who hurt me and take better care of myself when I'm feeling the trauma. Or something. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do. We ran out of time so she said we'd talk about it next week. I hate that.

10 Things I Like About Myself

noreply@blogger.com (Karma) — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 04:13:00 +0000

April inspired me to make this list to remind myself of the things that I want to hold on to whilst I think about what changes I want to make in my life in the coming year. I encourage you to play along and make your own list. Here goes:

I am intelligent.
I am brave and courageous.
I am strong and resilient.
I believe in people and in the future.
I am good at my career.
I strive for balance in my life.
I have a good sense of where I come from and where I want to go.
I have learned to take good care of myself.
I am curious and open.
I have amazing friends.

Results of Investigation by Kansas' Department on Aging

noreply@blogger.com (Karma) — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 02:37:00 +0000

I received a letter from the Kansas Department of Aging sent a month and a half or two months after I called. I complained about my mother's lack of care, specifically about the lack of people at the facility to feed her, give her liquids, turn her, provide medication when needed, etc. -- basic care sort of issues. I just got a letter back which says that an investigation was launched because of my complaint and "as a result of this investigation, deficiencies were cited."

My hope is that the facility will go back to my father and encourage him to raise hours of the private CNA care for Mom. I haven't heard of them doing that though, and I'm not sure if I should call and speak to the executive director or just leave it. If they were to find out that I had launched the investigation, there could be retribution against Mom, and Dad would be very angry.

I'm back at home now, very happy to be here, but VERY stressed out about the work load. I have more to do than I can possibly do. I didn't sleep well last night. I want to work on creating a social life for myself here but I don't have time for that. I only have time for work and trying to get my home in order. I don't even have time to get to therapy probably this week, which is ridiculous, but apparently my committee member is going to throw me something last minute to do at the time I had therapy scheduled.

What I Want in a Partner

noreply@blogger.com (Karma) — Sat, 27 Dec 2008 20:00:00 +0000

I think that this is an Imago exercise. In order to move forward and to choose someone who doesn't fit into my usual pattern, I think that it will be useful to identify the core things that I'm looking for in a life partner. So here goes.

Someone who treats me well.
Someone who values communication.
Someone intelligent, sensitive, and caring.
A mensch.
Someone who gets me.
Someone honest, trust-worthy, loyal, responsible, and open to a long term relationship.
Someone who values love and relationships.
Someone who will allow me to be my own person.

The following are things that I want, but I don't need.

A feminist
A Jew
An Israeli
Someone spiritual
Someone funny who makes me laugh
An activist
Someone with whom I can exchange massages at the end of the week
Someone who will get along with my family and friends
Someone creative and passionate

Here are things that are deal breakers:

Someone controlling
Verbal or emotional abuse
Someone looking to dominate me and/or put me into a role of what they think a woman should be instead of creating a partnership based on who we are.

If any of my readers are single, then I challenge you to create your own list. The interesting thing for me about this list is realizing that of my core list, none of my past relationships actually fit what appears to be a pretty simple list (the first one). I think that I get caught up in the things that I want (but don't need) in a partner. I also realize that many of the things on my first list are very broad categories and that no one is sensitive about everything, all the time.

I Pick Partners Who Don't Treat Me Right

noreply@blogger.com (Karma) — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 16:06:00 +0000

Last night, I hung out (separately) with my old and dear friend Paul and his family and then with my friend Merissa. Apparently, Merissa told me that she and Paul had a conversation recently about me. They decided that the people I date don't treat me right. Paul said that he thinks that *A* never treated me right (and he was there from when we first started dating when I was 15!).

There was something very epiphany-ish about hearing it though so broadly from people who know me so well. I do fall for people who treat me poorly. There is one exception that I can think of off hand, this rabbinic student that I dated in Israel who treated me VERY well. But I broke it off with him because I didn't have the same kind of feelings for him that he had for me. I think its a sign.

It is interesting also because it is a way in which I am like my mom. She taught me to love those who hurt me and to ignore those who don't. I tend not to see myself as like my mom -- I think of my sister as taking after Mom, and I have moved past these issues of my parents. But apparently, I'm like Mom too. And there are a lot of ways I want to be like my mother; this isn't one of them.

Imago theory, which I've discussed previously, would say that I need to work on this issue myself before partnering OR find a partner who tends to treat the one they love not well BUT is interested in working past that. I'm going to start with working on me. I think that this is going to mean starting with friendships and make sure that I make friendships with people who are good to me and then appreciate those friendships. It means not being co-dependent with anyone. And it means learning better to ask for what I want and surround myself with people who give me what I need.

All of this also means that Z is DEFINITELY not the right guy for me. I see that more clearly now....hopefully, I can actually let him go in my heart now.

It's Raining in Kansas City

noreply@blogger.com (Karma) — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 17:33:00 +0000

Sitting at my computer
Looking out at the rain falling on the barren trees
The streets are cold and quiet
My heart is hot and fidgety.

Anxious thoughts afloat as my focus fights
Between my work, my dying mother, and my unrequited love
Waves of karma sweep through the room
As I sit hungover from passion and grief.

The rain freezes to the ground endangering my freedom
And battering the American flag hung across the way
But I will not sit here hostage to weather and anxiety
More slowly and cautiously, I will continue on my way.

Arriving in Kansas City

noreply@blogger.com (Karma) — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 15:03:00 +0000

I made it to my Dad's house yesterday early afternoon, and its been a bit of an emotional entry already.

The plan had originally been to drive Z back to his home in Chicago, but somewhat last minute, we decided to have him fly back from Omaha while I drive down from there to KC. This saved the two of us an entire day of driving and saved me a 9 hour drive by myself back to Kansas City. But deciding to cut the trip short felt a little like something else - it felt like a decision that Z and I aren't entering into a romantic relationship and so convenience is more important than a couple of extra days together. Of course, it logically makes a LOT of sense, especially considering that Kansas City is about to experience an ice storm.

Z and I had a little more conversation about us before trip ended, each time initiated by me. I tried to convey to him that I wasn't looking for what would happen in the future, but was trying to focus on how we approached the time together that we had. I don't know if he fully got that, but while he did open himself up a little more, I felt him still emotionally closed off to me.

At the airport in Omaha, I was surprised when he drove to the terminal instead of to park, so I just dropped him off. We did our goodbyes in the cold Nebraska weather. He was very casual and asked me to call him when I get in to Kansas City. He gave me a quick kiss on the mouth, and then I stopped him and told him this:

"Z, you are a unique man: strong but not aggressive, intelligent but open to other's ideas, independent enough to be able to partner without losing yourself. You make me feel empowered and weak at the knees. You make me smile and laugh. I think that we have a unique connection created over short, random, intense interactions we've had over the last 15 years. I think we have a lot in common and want the same kind of life. But I'm an independent woman just coming into her success and have no desire to chase after someone whose heart is not open to me. While I think that there might be something here between us, I don't know. If one day you decide that you want to explore what's there, give me a call."

Z said, "I'll give you a call anyway."

And then he gave me another short kiss on the mouth and left.

During the drive to Kansas City, I thought a lot about what all of this means. Through the help of my friend Tonya, I realize that just like Miranda was told in Sex & the City, he's just not that into me. And that may be for a number of reasons including issues he has about commitment and fear of being vulnerable with someone who lives in another part of the country. But in the end, I know that it doesn't matter; he's just not that into me. I know this in my head, but in my heart I still feel hurt, sad, disappointed, and a longing for more.

I do have one more brief story to share about this and then I'll leave the story of Z behind: So he and I had been sleeping together, and one night I approached him for sex, but he was too tired and went to sleep. So, I got up and started practicing yoga, trying to take my feelings of frustration and my lack of will power around my sex drive, and ground myself in my practice. Throughout the trip, I thought about practicing non-grasping and tried to think of the travel as meditiation, using an article that I found in Shamballa Sun by Thik Nan Hahn (am I spelling anything right here?) about staying in and enjoying the present moment.

Okay, so I arrived in Kansas City, and there's a car blocking my entrance to my dad's garage. I call my dad to see what's up - because its really cold and snowy out, and I want to unpack my car. He tells me that his assistant is there, and I should just park in a different part of the driveway (that by the way is covered in snow). I am SO happy to see my dog. And then I look on the wall and see that there's a picture of me and Larry (my last boyfriend) on the wall. I take down the picture and rip it up. Dad says, "that's your wall, so if you wanted a new picture there, you'll have to put it up yourself." His assistant notes that she told him to take that down. I feel hurt that my dad is so inconseridate of my feelings and feel emotional looking at this very special moment between me and Larry that I had forgotten about.

When I go to "my room" to unpack, I notice what I've left in the room and what I thought might be there but is missing. I notice that there's a novel, obviously previously read by my mother, on the bookshelf - the same novel that I'm reading right now. I find myself looking around thinking about what I want to take with me when I leave, what my dad will let me take of his and Mom's stuff, and remembering that I'm here to end this process of living here and taking care of my parents. This trip, I will take my things, and next time I come back will be when my mother dies. Then I won't come back much anymore. I am reclaiming my life, so that I can after all of this, start to focus on building a real life for myself and getting on with living it. Also, I want to shed all of this trauma of my family.

I'm thinking about this as my dad comes upstairs into my room. My dog jumps on the bed, and I lay down to pet her. Dad says, "you're belly's showing." I notice my shirt has moved up to uncover my stomach and move the shirt down. "You've got a buldge there. Not like me. See, I'm think." He then lifts his shirt to show me his stomach. I'm appaulled. First of all, I work out 5x/week these days and am in excellent shape. Second, I'm feeling bad already about being rejected by Z and now my dad is telling me that I'm fat. Third, I've driven for so long to get out here and that's what he wants to focus on.

I went to my sister's house to play with her kids, and that was fantastic. I hadn't told the kids of my change of plans, so I just came up and rang the door bell. When the answered the door, the kids yelled "Dodah!" (Aunt, in Hebrew), jumped up and down, and embraced me. We played and played until I was exhausted, and it was time for them to go to bed.

On the car ride home, I thought about the fact that I have a good life, and that while it would be nice to have a partner, I don't need one. I have an amazing niece and nephew, great friends, and if I want to take in a foster kid or adopt a kid next year or the year after once I get a job, that I can do that without a partner.

When I got home, I called Z, as he had asked, to let him know that I got in okay. He told me that his flight had been delayed in Omaha for an hour and that he got in later than me. I felt sad that we hadn't spent that time together. Z was very quick on the phone, and the conversation didn't last very long, despite the fact that I had waited to call him until I'd have time to really talk. When we hung up, I felt the sadness and disappointment all over again.

I called my friend Tonya, who was nice enough to let me kvetch about it for quite some time. I think that the process of letting go of Z AGAIN will be a long one, and that I have to remember that its just a process. Feelings will arise, I will let myself feel them, then I'll let them pass. I will try not to fight or judge the process.

Today, I am going to meet my sister and nephew at his school to hear some Hanukah songs. Then, we'll go out to lunch and then over to my mom's. I'm really grateful to get to go with them the first time that I see Mom this trip. I know that it will be emotional.

I also have a LOT of work to do -- I have to write an entire dissertation chapter, create my syllabus for next quarter, and if time, start creating lesson plans. I also have to connect with my friends here, go buy some food before the ice storm hits, start an exercise schedule.....

It feels good though to write this all and get it out of my mind and onto the internet. It feels good because I don't have to keep holding these thoughts, they're out there in the world. And it feels good because I know that there are some very supportive people out there who will read it. That reminds me that I'm cared about and that there's meaning in the process even in the fact that I'm learning, growing, and I'm able to give an honest portrayal of what this experience is like. [And by the way, Gail, I'm a little worried about you. Are you blogging somewhere about your experinece losing your Mom?]

Z Doesn't Think About Me That Way

noreply@blogger.com (Karma) — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 06:38:00 +0000

I sit here writing this blog on the floor of a hotel room on my way to Kansas City. Z is watching some History Channel show on some shroud that people think might have belonged to Jesus. It's 11:40, and he wants to wake up super early to drive for a very long time tomorrow so that he can get home in time for some lecture on the 17th that he's supposed to give, that I don't think that I knew about. Maybe I did. Everything is such a haze from the last few months.

Spending time with Z has been incredible - we've had a great time, and I really appreciate that he's been driving with me. Actually, he's been doing all of the driving so I've had a very easy time. From the first night, we've been "sleeping" together. I had the conversation with him before it happened and thought that we were on the same page, but apparently I was reading into some of what he said and what he didn't say (because honestly he didn't say a lot that first night). I thought that this was the beginning of us considering the possibility of a relationship.

But, I've felt a lot of distance from him - metaphorically of course, mostly we're inches away from each other in the car! So tonight, after he told me a couple of stories of married people who are very unhappy and shouldn't be together and that maybe long term relationships don't work and that he's not looking for a relationship - I stopped and asked him, "so what are you doing with me then?" He said that he doesn't think about me in that way right now.

So, I'm feeling very hurt and rejected. I told him that I don't think that we should continue sleeping with each other like this because to sleep with a friend is okay if you have the boundaries that it is only a friendship and nothing more, but I want something more, so to continue sleeping with him would be to play with my heart. And, I told him, I deserve better than that.

He's said very little through the whole process and it feels like if I bring up anything about "us" that its inappropriate/he's unresponsive. I just asked a bit ago if his feeling about not being open to the possibility of a relationship with me is about him and not knowing me that well OR if its something about me. He said, "I don't know what you want from me. We've been together now a day and a half." I thought for a minute and told him that when I look at him, I want to kiss him, and not because I just want to kiss someone and he's there. And I want him to feel the same way about me. He didn't respond.

Augh! This is so hard. We've got several days ahead. I may not be able to publish your comments, but I will very likely be checking my email briefly once a day at the end of the day, my faithful and supportive readers. Why is it that the people who are so perfect for me are so emotionally unavailable? I think that there is a lot of material here for therapy after my trip. And there is a lot going on that is about Z and has nothing to do with me. But, I am very disappointed that there isn't the space to explore something more. This man makes me laugh, he makes me think, he makes me smile, he makes me feel like I'm seen. And its ironic that I say that last thing because I'm sitting here on the floor of the hotel as Z now turns off the tv and goes to sleep; I'm starting to tear up, and I'm trying to be quiet about it so as to not let him know because there's not space here for me to cry. There's no space here for me to feel hurt. And that's being seen. It certainly isn't being loved -- but maybe I expect too much from people too soon???

Tomorrow, the adventure continues.....