Jewish Bridge to Recovery

Gratitude

ah1270 — Thu, 12 Jul 2012 01:03:36 GMT

I am a volunteer chaplain at the local jail and today a man cried. I am grateful to him because he reminded me what it was like when I first came in.

Study of AA Sprituality

ah1270 — Tue, 28 Dec 2010 17:07:28 GMT

In a recent study in the March 2011 issue of Alcoholism: Clinical & Experimental Research it was discovered that as one becomes more committed to Alcoholics Anonymous, one's spirituality increases. Overall the study concludes that after attending AA one's drinking goes down as one's spirituality increases and the overall outcome is effective.

In other words: AA works.

Here is a link to the article on Phyorg.com. The study itself is available online but if costs something so I didn't provide a link.

The effects of spirituality in Alcoholics Anonymous on alcohol dependence

Alex H.

Mary Karr and Alcoholism

ah1270 — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 18:02:03 GMT

Mary Karr has come out with a new book "Lit". I heard her interviewed today on the radio show "To the Best of our Knowledge". You can listen to the show at the link below...

Listen!

Her interview is about a third way into the 1 hour show about addiction and various ways people handle the issue. Some of it is total BS from my point of view, but if it works for them I wish them well. (Really.) The person I identified with most was Mary Karr. She has that sort of sing-song rhetorical style that is so familiar in Alcoholics Anonymous. She is quick-witted, inspiring, quietly shocking and funny all at once. I have not read the book but I will certainly pick it up. I believe the book relates to her conversion from atheism to Catholic. If you can manage that, then pick up the book. It's not going to bother me.

You can listen to an interview she did on NPR on her book of poetry, "Sinners Welcome".

She also did a longer (30 minute) interview on the NPR radio show Fresh Air.

Alex H.

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Choose Life

ah1270 — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 18:47:21 GMT

There is an idea that has been going around AA for a long time now. It is the idea of choice. I've heard things like "Today I choose not to drink." That makes no sense to me.

I have a choice not to drink in the same manner that I have a choice not to play Russian Roulette. While I understand the arguments regarding choice and I don't want to change anyone's mind about it, I do not think of this subject in the same manner. I see it differently and it works for me.

I have no choice. I had no choice but to drink before AA and now in AA I have no choice but NOT to drink. I was let out (yatzah). I was released from slavery not to freedom but to a different service. I was released from slavery to booze and was retained as a servant to my Higher Power. I am an indentured servant. I have a debt to pay. There is no choice except life or death. I want to live so there is no choice. The day there is a real choice is the day I am in real trouble.

This is not to denigrate the ideas being offered regarding choice. I understand what they are saying. I am saying something different. I don't approach my sobriety in the same way that many others do. If they are sober, then they are doing things right, but I am sober too. This is working for me and has been working for me for a very long time.

Between life and death, choose life.

Alex H.

Watered Down Religion?

ah1270 — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 05:26:52 GMT

AA is not a substitute for religion.

Early on in AA history many pastors and priests (read as: major and obvious leaders of religion) hesitated to recommend AA because they worried it might subvert religion. AA tends to complement religion, adding to it or emphasizing certain aspects of religious teaching. It is not a substitute any more than a 13mm wrench is a substitute for a full Craftsman metric socket wrench set. AA does one thing well and it looks religious because as any shade-tree mechanic knows, most of his work is done with two wrenches but we should not mistake a shade-tree mechanic with two wrenches for a master mechanic with a full complement of wrenches.

Secondly, I believe most people do not understand what religion is. Such a discussion is beyond the scope of this list. Suffice it to say that the Bible commands one in how to dig a latrine. Most people do not associate religion with normal sanitary laws yet religion is involved as much as it is in defining what is holy on the Sabbath day. So whatever one thinks religion is, if your definition does not include what to do with your feces during a field march, then the word "religion" does not mean what you think it means.

From a practical standpoint (and AA is VERY practical) for the purposes to staying sober having a rigorous definition of the word "religion" is not very useful. It is enough to know that religion in the USA is the purview of certain well-known and obvious leaders of religion and AA will leave it to them to define their own work. AA seems to complement their work at some points but is not a substitute for it.

I am an alcoholic and an Orthodox Jew.

Alex H.

A Larger World

ah1270 — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 05:16:51 GMT

Those who are handicapped live in a small world. We try to make it as large as we can.

My world is larger due to this computer. I am limited to my bedroom with the drapes drawn. It is difficult for me to get around, but easier than for others. One day I was preparing for a seminar on Drugs, Sex, and Integrity. I was joining a Reform Rabbi in speaking to middle school kids and their parents. He wanted an Orthodox perspective. I had to blow off the Jail meeting I usually attended on Wednesday so that I could be in good enough shape to attend. I can't do both on the same day. It would destroy me.

I find it essential that I travel through the Internet, answering questions and commenting where I can. It helps me to remain centered. This is situation where depression is a very real threat. I fight it by getting out of myself and looking to help others. I don't actually have to help anyone. I simply have to turn outward and look. I scan this various email lists for example, looking for some place to insert myself. I try to add. If I cannot add, I usually remain silent.

I love Transactional Analysis. I'm always working it, it seems. It has been so helpful to me in understanding my communications with others. It also informs me when communication is not possible.

I read a lot, but mostly I listen to audio books I order from the library. I also connect to various radio shows and listen on-line. This wides my world.

Very few people come to visit any more but we have good neighbors. My wife is here. My kids are old enough to drive. I can get around if need be but I can no longer drive.

I'm an Orthodox Jew who is recovering from alcoholism.

It's working.

Alex H.

More shin-kicking

ah1270 — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 05:09:33 GMT

I think I have good answers but I don't assume they are the correct answers for others. I simply don't have the credentials for that. I can beat up the experts pretty well, but there is a reason why they are called experts. At some point, they will have an answer that I cannot question credibly.

At some point we must trust our teachers.

Example: There was a man who wished to learn the alphabet so he could learn the religious texts on his own because he did not trust the teachers to teach him anything else. Hillel took him on as a student and taught that A is the first letter, B is the second, etc. The next day the man returned and Hillel taught him that Z is the first letter, Y is the second.... When the man protested, Hillel pointed out that even at the level of the alphabet, one requires commentary.

Since even at the level of the alphabet, commentary is possible, one must first select a trustworthy teacher. Keeping in mind that no teacher is perfect, if he makes a mistake, forgive him. If he makes two, question him. If he makes three, leave him and find another teacher.

BTW, that story comes from Talmud Bavli, Shabbat 31 with a little editorializing from me. Don't look up the original. It won't be any more enlightening.... that is... unless you don't trust me. :-)

Alex H.

A little shin-kicking

ah1270 — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 04:41:10 GMT

On an AA list I noticed a little Bible discussion about Bar Abbas (the fellow who was chosen over Jesus to get a pardon) Since other experts had already weighed in, I added my two cents....

"Bar Abbas" is an odd name. It means "son of the father" or something along those lines. The crowd called for Bar Abbas. Draw your own conclusions.

One should use care when drawing lessons from ancient texts. They had their own purposes and lessons to teach. They are not modern lessons so one must take off his new glasses and put on the old ones to catch a glimpse of their meaning. Or... not. You can simply read the texts and glean your own lessons from them. The lessons you take away don't have to be the official lessons.

Now to speak in favor of the experts.

There have been experts pouring over every single word of these texts for centuries. They have something to say and I am grateful to them. I remember once picking up the Bible and trying seriously to read it. I had scoffed for so long, but realized that I had never put the effort into reading the text. I found it ridiculously simple and trite. I threw it down, thinking I had learned all I needed to know about it.

Years later I returned to the texts. I was compelled to it by my AA program of recovery. It was a feeling... that sort of feeling an alcoholic learns not to ignore for too long. This time I read the text with commentary. There were small footnotes, actually, a sentence or two from famous commentators. That was all. The sentences were a breathe of a thought but they pointed out that there was a question to be answered here. Looking back, I don't recall even thinking of a question, much less trying to answer it. I had blown right past it, not realizing. I found that I didn't have to agree with the commentator. Often the commentators themselves did not agree with each other, but I did have to answer the question for myself.

I am grateful to those experts, even the ones I disagree with. They stand like sentinels holding fiery swords at the gate. They look fierce and formidable but they also serve as islands of light marking the way to the entrance,

Not to get too poetic, but I have no objection to kicking them in the shins and running right in. :-)

Alex H.

She just wants to drink.

ah1270 — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 04:34:45 GMT

She said, please help. She is going to drink. A desperate plea.

And what could I say that would stop her?

Every person is different. What works for me, might kill her so telling her what I would want to hear might be the very thing that will send her over the edge... for instance... like telling her that I have no idea what I can say that would stop her. I am powerless over alcohol. I am powerless over the alcohol I might drink and I am powerless over the alcohol that she might drink. I am powerless over alcohol and nothing in the world can stop me from drinking short of locking me up or shooting me. I need a Higher Power to help me. I needed G-d but in the short term I found that using the Group as my Higher Power worked for about a year.

So... acting in stead of her Higher Power...

"Know that you are not alone. I care. If you should drink I will understand. You can come back. If you should not come back, I will care about you and think of you and I will be there with you in your suffering. However, I will not live your life for you and I will not stay you hand. You must take the first step toward recovery."

"For some it is a long trip to the bottom. For others, the journey is a short one. However long it take you, I do not wish to delay you. If you must take that journey down I will not stand in your way, but if you'd like to stop now, reach out, grab hold and hang on."

Alex H.

A Coffee Pot and a Resentment

ah1270 — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 04:28:41 GMT

I spotted an email of a guy who wanted to start a new meeting in his area. The reason? He didn't like the way the other meetings were run. He was a little miffed because no one was helping him out (especially the New York office which seemed to be ignoring him.)

There is an old saying that all that is needed to start a meeting is a coffeepot and a resentment. As I recall my history that is how the second AA group in Akron got started. They were fed up and wanted to run a meeting themselves. But look at the pronoun there... "they". It was more than one person who wanted to start that meeting. I've seen meetings started with one guy, but they are slow to build. I started a meeting alone at the county jail but I had a ready-made membership. Nevertheless, I knew that having just one regular guy running things was a bad idea. I mentioned it and my buddy Jim joined me. I am very grateful.

I am flamboyant. Jim is steady and calm. Nothing seems to ruffle him. I get all worked up. He turns to a sure and steady reading out of the Big Book. If you look at the two of us you might think we clash but in fact we don't. I talk my head off and Jim brings us back to center. We run the meeting. Not just me.

Frankly a meeting ought to start with at least 4 people to make it. It needs 4 alcoholics as an anchor. That means more than simply providing good and steady sharing. It means 4 alcoholics who believe there is a need and they back up their belief with action.

So back to our friend who is frustrated that no one is helping him start this meeting. Maybe its because others don't see the need and he is forcing it. For a short time as he gathers steam he can go it alone, but if he can't get a few steady alcoholics to back him up, its going to fail.

My Way

ah1270 — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 03:01:41 GMT

An AA member has returned to an email list and he complains that there is no such thing as tough love. It feels more like tough abuse.

It's hard to argue with that. I felt the same way when I first came in. Very few people would talk to me. When they would talk to me they would listen for a minute or so, then turn on their heel and walk away from my while I was in mid-sentence. Another guy told me that I was too young to get sober. I was 22. I heard much, much worse and all seeming to wish to push me away. I refused to go away for a simple reason. My life was on the line. Despite my disagreements with various people in the program, I knew there was something wrong with me and AA was my last stop before the nuthouse.

I hung in there and stayed sober out of spite. "I'll show you!" was my motto. I made a few friends here and there but only my sponsor gave me the help I needed. He was a nice enough guy but he was not pleasant to me. It seemed that whenever I sought help he would offer help but it was never the help I expected. It was always a little different from what I thought I needed. When he wouldn't give me what I wanted I would flip him off and yell at him.

The man was not exactly a saint but he may have earned a place in the World to Come putting up with me. I gave him an earful, but when I would leave, I would try what he said and more often that not it would work.

Just one example: I was in a speaker meeting in Beverly Hills. I don't see it on the schedule any more. (Few meetings last for more than 30 years.) But at the time it was an amazingly large meeting. It was held in a large church and we filled the place up with standing room only. My sponsor and I got there early and claimed front row seats. My sponsor was talking to someone when a wave of loneliness overcame me. I interrupted my sponsor and told him.

He gave me a task. "Walk around the room to ten people. Shake there hand and tell them you are an alcoholic."

I responded, "I don't want to do that!"

He replied, "Well... F*** you then."

He returned to his conversation with his buddy. My head exploded but I cooled down quickly and got out of my seat. Approaching the first person was one of the most difficult things I ever did. I walked up to a stranger, held out my hand and said, "Hello. My name is Alex and I am an alcoholic." I think it was a woman. She laughed but she shook my hand. I couldn't even look her in the eye.

I went to the next person and said the same thing. It was a little easier. By the time I got to the 10th person It was easy. I could look the person in the eye and they were willing to shake my hand. I didn't feel all alone any more. I sat back down.

I don't even remember if I told my sponsor that it worked. I am self-centered so that sort of thing doesn't occur to me easily. Luckily I doubt my sponsor cared. He knew it would work. He didn't need to check.

That man saved my life. He continues to save my life and I have not seen him for over 30 years. I am so grateful. Thank you, Ed.

Copyright Fears

ah1270 — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 02:21:22 GMT

I am amazed at the kind of email I've been receiving lately. Fearful email but only one of them has any good reason to be fearful. However, he doesn't realize what that reason is. I subscribe to several email lists and I do my best to be helpful to the alcoholics there, but occasionally, very occasionally, I'll realize that my answer has application to Jewish alcoholics or alcoholics in general so I will write about it here on this blog. But when I mention that I write for a blog, some alcoholics get immediately paranoid. They become fearful.

I can hardly blame them. I think they are wrong, but it is understandable. Many of these people are not very stable (mentally) and frankly there is nothing I can do or say that could help them. But one man had a valid complaint so when he contacted me directly, I held a conversation with him. He seems like a nice guy.

He is worried that something he writes on the email list might find its way to this blog. Even with assurances from me that they wouldn't, he remains fearful. That is silly, but where he is correct is this: he is worried about certain copyright issues. Perfectly right to worry.

Authors of commercial works must use care not only with the things they write in public but also the things they read. I remember Dr. Laura Schlesinger being sued for writing a book because another author believed that Dr. Laura had stolen some ideas from a different book. Well... there is nothing new under the sun so it might be possible that Dr. Laura read the book and it might have sparked an idea that she later forgot where it came from, or she simply had a parallel idea with no connection. How can one prove this? It becomes a problem and most businesses will simply pay the fine and make it go away, but for a new author such an accusation can be devastating whether true or not.

If an author is on an AA list and he subsequently uses ideas he finds on that list to enrich himself, someone on that list might sue him. It is probably best to not read the list. Therefore he has the defense that he never knew what was on the list. He never read it. Parallel ideas can occur to people. It is not a crime.

So I suggested that he leave the list for that simple reason. He is an author. He must protect his copyright from the danger of lawsuit. If he was worried about that (and he certainly seemed to be) he should have maintained his anonymity. Shucks. I think he even gave out his phone number to the general list. Not very smart.

Alcoholics are sick people. They might do anything. That's why they are called "sick".

Oh... one more thing. If some of the people that have been sending me strange paranoid email thinks I am talking about them on this blog... I'm not. Really. I'm talking about someone else entirely.... someone very, very sick.

OK. Back to work.

Guilty

ah1270 — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 18:26:47 GMT

I haven't posted for a while so I thought I would offer a few words now.

I know of an alcoholic who used cruel words during the time of his drinking and now, when sober, always admits he used these cruel words.

Of course early AA members went over their "pitch" and crafted it to make sure it had the most impact on the newcomer, but they tended to edit out curse words and such. They felt it was off-putting and they didn't want a person to close his ears before they heard the whole story. They included their obvious faults but they usually avoided graphic language.

I've said many silly things that upon reflection I wouldn't say now. As an alcoholic I didn't consider the consequences of my drinking. Why would I take time to consider what I said? Frankly the worst I've said was based on ignorance and so when someone says something to me that could be interpreted as either bigoted or ignorant, I choose "ignorant" because ignorance explained most of my own offensive behavior. I simply didn't realize it was offensive at the time.

A good example is when my boss sent me to collect money from a client In the process I mentioned that my boss really wanted the money. "He's practically Jewish!" The woman looked at me. A Jewish star hung around her neck on a small gold chain. She reached for it and dangled it in front of my eyes. "I'm Jewish!" she replied gruffly. I smiled. I didn't make the connection. :-)

Now I'm Jewish. Apparently whatever I had been thinking before, it was not anti-antisemitism. It was simple ignorance.

I recall an old saying....
Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by incompetence.
--- Napoleon.

Or from my teenage years...
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
-- Robert A. Heinlein.

Alex H.

Letting me out, Letting me in

ah1270 — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 16:55:31 GMT

Let me make a quick note on the connection between alcoholism and Passover. It is a language lesson.

In ancient Hebrew there is no way to say "sobriety" outright. It uses odd phrases like "let the wine out of you!" (get sober) or "The wine was let out of him" (he became sober). The key word is "yatzah" which means "let out". There is another phrase in which this word "let out" is used. In English it will be translated in various ways to make it sound more lyrical. They will say, "let out", "leave", "go out from here", or "send out" but essentially we are talking about getting "let out". It is during Passover when we use this phrase, "G-d let us out of Egypt, out of bondage."

This reminds me of the story "Freedom from Bondage" in the Big Book. In that story she was freed from resentments. All she had to do was to wish the best for her enemies. In fact during the Exodus, a Midrash says that when the Egyptians drowned in the Sea of Reeds, the Angels sang. G-d rebuked them by saying, "My creations are drowning!" or words to that effect. G-d showed compassion for the Egyptians even though Pharaoh defied His will.

But remember that even though G-d let us out of Egypt, He did not actually lead us into the freedom to do what we wish. He led us to Mount Sinai and gave us commandments and a job to do, to be a light unto the nations. That means we care for ourselves by following certain rules and we show others the way to this particular type of freedom.

Most mothers know this freedom when they walk into their kid's room and see a mess. A mother will reason with her child, "If you clean up as you go along, you can have more fun, more room, you will be happier."

If you follow a few simple principles, a good life will flow out from there.

Be well. I will be off-line later today for Passover until Saturday night.

I am an alcoholic and an Orthodox Jew.

Alex H.

Just in Time for Passover

ah1270 — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 21:22:06 GMT

Someone on an email AA meeting mentioned Peeps, the marshmallow treat that so many people love to eat at this time of year. He mentioned that Peeps were kosher. Indeed they are but not kosher for Passover. It is simply too expensive to switch the factory over (and change the formula). It makes no economic sense. Peeps are kosher the rest of the year though.

I promised to post something for Passover regarding alcoholism so here we go...

Passover is observed by more Jews than any other holiday. It begins with the Passover Seder. It is more than a formal dinner. It is orchestrated. Certain things WILL happen during the dinner because the people at the dinner will read out of a booklet that will GUIDE them toward those things. You can't avoid them by ducking out to the bathroom.

Problem 1. You will be expected to drink 4 cups of wine.

Solution 1. Bring along grape juice that is kosher for Passover. Your hostess WILL freak a little so clear it with her ahead of time. You don't have to reveal you are an alcoholic. Simply tell her your health depends on it. Health reasons excuse a lot of stuff in Judaism so insist on it. You might suggest that the hostess provide grape juice at all the tables so that others can choose grape juice too. Alcohol interferes with certain medicines so Grandpa and Grandma will benefit and the kids prefer grape juice anyway.

Problem 2. You will be expected to eat the charoseth, a mixture of apples and walnuts that usually has wine in it.

Solution 2. Call the hostess and make sure the charoseth [pronounced chah-ROH-sehth with ch as in Back or loch] uses only grape juice. If it includes wine, ask her if she could make a version with grape juice only for you. Insist. Really. If she refuses, tell her you'll be glad to bring your own. If she is kosher for Passover and you are not, that ought to do it. If she doesn't fall straight away into a dead faint, she will INSIST that she make it for you. :-)

Problem 3. Pickled herring often has wine in it.

Solution 3. Don't eat the herring until you check the jar. Vito-brand herring is labeled as "made with wine" in small letters below the main label. Other brands may not mention it. Check carefully. The hostess will not serve it out of the jar so you are going to have to check this stuff out ahead of time.

Problem 4. Various chocolate-covered deserts are dripping with wine especially this one wonderful-looking matzah cake that is so beautiful that... oh... never mind. :-) It is so freaking filled with wine, I feel light-headed just looking at it... chocolate-covered strawberries dipped in wine too.

Solution 4. Ask about everything at the dessert table before you eat it.

No excuses. They've heard enough of those already. Do it.

You can read a more extensive posting on Passover and the 4th and 10th Steps on my blog at...

http://ah1270.livejournal.com/720.html

I am an alcoholic and an Orthodox Jew.
Alex H.

Wanda the Wanderer

ah1270 — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 04:53:08 GMT

(All names have been changed to confuse the critical. :-))

In a lot of AA meetings there is a time imposed. This is usually done because there are so many people waiting to share that the meeting wants to get as many people in as possible. But other meetings will only impose a time limit on certain people in the meeting.

I think time-limiting certain people who are over-talkative seems fine to me. For example, when I first got sober I noticed that when the sharing came to me, the leader always said, "Five minutes, Alex." He never put a time limit on anyone else. Just me. :-)

I felt fine about it. I knew I was rambling. Much of what I said in those early days was nonsense. But I learned something: I'll give anyone five minutes. I don't care how silly or insane they might be. Five minutes.

I remember a woman who had a lobotomy. Her sharing was incoherent at times. She used full sentences but it was not clear how one sentence linked to the next. She was a kind and gentle soul with a delightful smile, but no one would ever call on her in meetings. It seemed cruel to me but she never even noticed.

One day I was leading and she raised her hand politely as she always did. I called on her and saw several people roll their eyes. Their shoulders drooped in dismay.

I wagged a finger in her direction, smiled playfully and said, "Now Wanda. You're a wanderer." Then I pointed to my watch and said, "Five minutes."

I let her go.

As she painted a scattered portrait of her life, the meeting relaxed. Not only was Wanda happily wandering, but the meeting was actually listening. She didn't make a whole lot of sense, but the meeting had a sense that I would call a halt to it regardless of whether she got to the point or not. My job was to keep the discussion moving and I took that job seriously.

Wanda suddenly ground to a halt. Without rhyme or reason she had simply stopped herself. Three minutes had passed. She smiled that big smile of hers. We were friends for years. I have no requirement that my friends make sense.

I was in another meeting where the leader had lost control. It was a lunch meeting and I dropped into a club out of my normal area. A woman was sharing and she didn't shut up. She was talking about her electric bill and how the devil kept turning on her porch light. After about 15 minutes of this %$$#, I called a halt to the meeting and confronted the leader.

"How long am I going to have to sit here and listen to this?"

I was most unpleasant. The leader became defensive, explaining that some people needed to share.

"I'll listen to anyone for five minutes, but this is a load of..."

He disagreed.

Finally I turned to the woman who had been sitting quietly waiting to continue and asked her, "How long have you been sober?"

"Oh", she thought carefully, "Since this morning." :-)

At that point all opposition collapsed and we moved on. After the meeting, several guys (the old hands from the meeting) approached me. They apologized and hoped I would keep coming back. I waved them off. No big deal. It happens sometimes.

The leader has to lead and keep the meeting moving. He may even have to cut off people he likes.

Alex H.

Exploring Sin

ah1270 — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 03:56:53 GMT

An alcoholic buddy on an email online meeting declared that sin does not exist and that AA never addresses the idea of "sin". Right and Wrong, "Yes" but sin, "No."

Well... the problem is that the word "sin" is overburdened with meanings never intended by the original word.

"Sin" in Hebrew is chet [CHEHT with ch as in Back or loch]. It means off course. There is no distance suggested by the term so you could be slightly off or WAY OFF. :-) And no judgment is made. No emotion is attached to the term. It is like the word "incorrect".

If you get the incorrect change when you buy something, it could be off a penny or a pound. If it is the incorrect change it is incorrect. What brings emotion into it is the REASON why your were handed the incorrect change. Was it a mistake or were you cheated? That has to do with intent. If a man means to hurt you it hurts as much when he is off by a penny as it does by a pound. If it is a mistake, the mistake is corrected and you move on. No emotional investment there.

AA actually does handle this idea of sin after a fashion.

In the story "Women Hurt Too", Marty mentions a Hebrew word but never identifies it. She says the word means "Salvation" and "Coming Home". Actually she made an error. (I spoke of the in another posting on this blog.) There is no Hebrew word that means both salvation and coming home. However, there is a word that SOUNDS like salvation that means coming home. That Hebrew word is teshuvah [teh-shoo-VAH]. It is usually translated as "repentance." It means "turning around" or "doing a 180" or "returning home".

In general it suggests that one was off the path and now one has returned to the path. No emotion there. No blaming. It is a "directional" word.

That is a language lesson.

You can take it for what it is worth.</div>

Alex H.

Hitting the Fan

ah1270 — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 18:51:55 GMT

While I continue to make changes to my blog, I thought I'd share this posting I made on an email list.

This is a stream of consciousness. Beware. I know some of some are sensitive to anything I write, anything at all, and my love for you compels me to warn you. I write what I think.

When I was over a year sober, I moved to Orange County, CA and began to pull my life back together. I wasn't only doing the AA thing (though I was hitting that pretty hard). I had to build a life for myself, a new life. I took classes just to find out what I wanted to do. There was a clown class. I spotted one class in script writing for plays and TV. It was run by a famous writer so I took the class (along with another class on how to run an AB Dick! :-)) It was through that writer's class that I became a writer for a show magazine. It was also through that class that I met a director who was putting together a new comedy show, an improvisational comedy group. I signed up with him. I wasn't all that good but I learned a lot. I developed a stream of consciousness that serves me to this day. Thoughts and ideas flow out of me unbidden.

Many years ago (I don't know how many) I had an accident that rendered me handicapped for life. I could barely get out of bed. I could not get into a car and be driven for even 10 minutes. I was rendered speechless for long periods at a time. I could not see and then I could. I could not read and then I could. On and off it went (and continues to this day). But I found I could still improvise. When I was in "improv-mode" my speech cleared up and words flowed out of me. I could still do comedy. I could make everyone around me laugh and I could still tell my AA story.

As I sit in an AA meeting these days it is a frightening thing for me. I can barely hold on to my thoughts. A man will say something that will bring a story to mind that I want to share, but then he will continue his talk and a second idea will push out the first and I will have lost it. By the end of his talk I will have no idea what he has said or how I should respond. Luckily, I am the leader of the group, so all I am required to do is look around the room and say "Next?"

But if I want to respond with something that might help this newcomer, I must repeat it to myself over and over again. That keeps it in my memory (hopefully). And being leader I can interject my brief thoughts before I say my required phrase "Next?"

Although this type of behavior (the leader commenting on everything) is not common where I live now, it was reasonably common in Los Angeles and the suburbs where I first became sober. So I do it in the jail meeting I run. It works for me. It does engender some crosstalk but I am aware of that so it if gets out of hand I call a halt to it. I'm the leader. I'm the one who says, "Next?" :-)

I am improvising all the way through. My life has become one very long improvisation and I interject comedy throughout.

For example:

We had one heck of a hail storm come through here a few days ago (south Williamson County, TX) and tennis-ball-size hail punched holes in my roof. Now a heck of a windstorm has come up today and pieces of my roof are falling into my neighbor's yard. Luckily her patio furniture is breaking the fall. :-) (I told her that joke but all I got was stunned silence. Everyone is a critic. This is hilarious stuff! :-))

So my neighbor is frantic. (She called a few minutes ago.) We should call the roofers immediately! I'll tell you. Dealing with non-alcoholics is so much easier than... say... Zulu warriors or even other alcoholics. :-) I already contacted the roofer days before. The estimate came in yesterday. It's the same roof as before (shingles or not). Even if I called him today and said "Yes", no sane man would get up on my roof in 50 mile-an-hour winds. "You want me to jump up there myself? What do you think I am? Nuts?" Silence again. I guess that means "Yes". :-) My neighbors are so kind and tolerant of me. They still love me. I bake fresh bread for them. :-)

The roof will wait until its proper time.

I now turn "into the wind" and the Big Book to see what it has to say about wind. Watch out. This is really going to torque some people off because I'm quoting the Big Book verbatim. They are also going to think that I'm trying to fool them by interjecting G-d into the discussion when all I did was to look up "wind" in the Big Book.

Maybe they should all blow it out... well... never mind. They should read the Big Book more often, maybe? :-)

Here we go.

"These were revolutionary and drastic proposals, but the moment I fully accepted them, the effect was electric. There was a sense of victory, followed by such a peace and serenity as I had never known. There was utter confidence. I felt lifted up, as though the great clean wind of a mountain top blew through and through. G-d comes to most men gradually, but His impact on me was sudden and profound." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 14.

And of course...

"We read wordy books and indulge in windy arguments, thinking we believe this universe needs no G-d to explain it. Were our contentions true, it would follow that life originated out of nothing, means nothing, and proceeds nowhere.

"Instead of regarding ourselves as intelligent agents, spearheads of G-d's ever advancing Creation, we agnostics and atheists chose to believe that our human intelligence was the last word, the alpha and the omega, the beginning and the end of all. Rather vain of us, wasn't it?" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 49.

And finally the classic one that always comes to mind...

"The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others . Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, "Don't see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain't it grand the wind stopped blowin'?"

"Yes, there is a long period of reconstruction ahead."
-- Alcoholics Anonymous, pp. 82-83.

I laughed out loud at that one!

Pass it on.

Alex H.

A Loving World

ah1270 — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 17:14:14 GMT

An AA member wondered about how some folks could be intolerant of religion when so many religions are based on love. (paraphrase)

Hmm... I am glad that that such an opinion exists because it reflects a better world but it was not always a loving world, not even with those religions that are professing love today. Perhaps the change is because the children have learned from the mistakes of the fathers.

But keep in mind that it is still within living memory when the religion of love and tolerance today took part in the murder of one third of the population of another religion... my religion... in the recent past. I hold no animus. Most of the people who perpetrated that atrocity are now dead. Their children seem to be better people. They prove it by their actions and they have made major changes to their doctrine so as to avoid (hopefully) such atrocities in the future. It may work. We shall see. But what can I say to a man who still cries out in the middle of the night in anguish and horror at what he saw, what he did, what he failed to do and what he has lost? It is difficult for him not to judge the children of today for the faults of fathers past.

I was riding on a bus and a woman asked my forgiveness. Her grandfather had been in the Luftwaffe, as I recall. "But he was not a Nazi!" she explained. She was so sorry. I could see it in her eyes. She was a loving, caring woman and she proved it in her actions as she helped a blind couple off of the bus. She didn't have to do that, but she did it nevertheless. She told me her story. She was not a perfect woman but a good woman... better than most.

I could not forgive her grandfather. I had not lost anyone to the Nazis. I was not hurt by them directly. I could not forgive. I did not have the power.

Well...enough of that.

I have to clean the oven for Passover today. Not much love involved with that, of course, but it must be done.

Alex H.

All in a Dream

ah1270 — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 18:28:52 GMT

A Jewish alcoholic from New Jersey writes the following. I have his permission to reprint here though I have removed his name, not by his request because he said he didn't care but out of love for my fellow alcoholics who might think I would be sloppy with their anonymity.)

God spoke directly to me last night thru my dreams. Not really a drunk dream, but a strange message regarding alcoholism. My sponsor apparently checked me back into the rehab I "graduated" from 2 years ago. Not because I was drinking again, but because of some inappropriate behavior he read about me in the newspaper (which in real life is untrue by the way).

Apparently I had picked up a drunk person and exceeded the speed limit thru a toll plaza (and going thru the same toll plaza dozens of times) - dunno why - possible reminder of *insanity* mixed with the responsibility of helping the next alkie seeking A A's blessings? I also had another situation I cannot exactly recall the details of which also involved driving that he felt was inappropriate. Ends up the Jonathan K***** (yes I broke my own anonymity) he read about is not me - it was other guys by the same name living in other cities in other states.

* Again, none of this is reality - just a dream - I have a much cleaner driving record in sobriety!

When I was "delivered" back to the rehab I could not figure out why I was there. I kept saying how wonderfully I work the program: attending meetings, having sponsees and commitments, and I couldn't get past not being able to send this daily check-in em ail while I was back as an in-patient!? Ends up once the air was cleared that the Jonathan's he read about weren't me, I was quickly released and I was relieved. Very odd dream - woke up at 4:45am and it seemed very real. Grateful to be at the computer with the ability to write my daily check-in ;)

The message I get from this dream? I dunno?- drive with care? Keep doing what I'm doing?

God spoke to me last night in my dreams - I may not be perfectly clear about what his message to me was .. but dreams are a direct channel from Him to me. The Daily Reflections today says "As We Understand Him" - maybe that's the whole message .. is to be reminded He is there watching out for me, while I'm awake and while I sleep.

Anyway, sweet dreams .. make is an awesome Monday!

A Jewish alcoholic from New Jersey

Enslavement and Freedom

ah1270 — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 20:43:11 GMT

Hirhurim - Musings

I was reading the blog of Rabbi Gil Student (not an alcoholic) and he mused on the idea that sometimes hard work is required to obtain one's freedom. Often sitting on the couch enslaves us. It is the enslavement of the "messy room" that restricts us from making use of the room. By working to it clean up, we are thereby freed to make use of the room. But to maintain this freedom, we must do the work.

It reminded me about the 12 Steps and "working the steps". It seems as if we are enslaved and I get this implied complaint from the guys I visit at jail. They seem to be saying... "Do I have to go to AA meetings? Can't I work these steps and be done with it?"

The answer to these questions is... yes, and no. We are individuals so exactly how much work we will need to do depends on how vigorous we are at making messes. :-) For me, I am handicapped. Thus I can only get to one meeting a week or maybe two. But that is not enough for me so I must do other work. I write this blog. I answer questions about AA on various email lists. I answer the phones at the local AA central office. I write articles. Every bit helps.

I work like a slave but in doing so I earn a certain amount of freedom of action too. I am no longer restricted to staring drunkenly into the TV wondering how other folks get enough energy to go to college. In sobriety, I am free to do more, but I must do the work to stay sober. Like the messy room, I can't just clean it up once and be done with it. It is an ongoing task.

In the Torah, G-d "lets us out" of Egypt. In English it is phrased in various ways. In Hebrew G-d let us out [yatzah]. But He did not let us out of bondage into the freedom to do what we please. He led us to Sinai and a list of commandments. We have to do the work. It is part of being free. Oddly enough, the Bible describes sobriety in the same way. When we go from drunkeness to sobriety, we are "let out" but not to do as we please. We have things to do if we are to maintain our freedom.

Check out the link above (Hirhurim - Musings).

I've been on an email list with Gil for many years. He's a great guy.

Alex H.

Attitude Adjustment

ah1270 — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 17:43:29 GMT

My buddy reminded me of how helpful those early morning "Attitude Adjustment" meetings were for him.

Thanks for the reminder. That was over twenty-five years ago when we started it up.

You wouldn't believe how hard it was to get that meeting going. My friend (a guy with about a year of sobriety or maybe two. I'll call him JB.) had this idea to get an early morning meeting going and I was looking for a new project. G-d placed JB in my life. He had barely a year of sobriety as I recall and he was pushing this new-fangled idea of an early morning meeting. I could see he was going to piss off a lot of people if they weren't approached correctly so I made suggestions on changing his pitch (slightly but significantly) and resistance was reduced significantly. The idea caught on and spread across Orange County, CA. (JB was a good salesman.)

Folks thought we were trying to turn AA into a religion, but it was positive readings from the Big Book, 12 and 12 and 24 Hour book. It wasn't our fault that the Big Book is so religious-sounding. :-) I loved it.

JB was a disciple of Dr. P (from the Trinity Club in the Pomona area, as I recall. Dr. P wrote "Doctor, Addict, Alcoholic" as it is called in the Third Edition). When JB moved to Orange County he wanted to bring Dr P's Attitude Adjustment Meeting to "The OC". :-) He wanted begin his day with positive thinking. He started a meeting in a bank community room in a little shopping center off of Imperial Highway and it was well attended... at 6:30 in the morning every morning except Sunday when we slept in until 7. :-)

Last time I looked at the schedule I did not see an Attitude Adjustment meeting at that location. It must have moved. I certainly have moved... to Texas.

Positive thought for the day: When you wake up, say something positive immediately. Ignore what you are thinking. Say something positive... out loud... even if it is a lie.

Here is my favorite: "I feel great today!" That is such a ridiculous lie. It makes me laugh every time. I'm laughing now just writing it. :-)

My day does not always go the way I want it to go. But if I start off on the right foot, my next step has a better chance of being a good one.

Alex H.

The Best AA Meeting

ah1270 — Sun, 28 Dec 2008 18:20:28 GMT

I am sometimes asked "Which is the best meeting?" They are asking me to pick out the best local meeting in town. I tell them that I don't know because what I am looking for may not be what they are looking for. Most newcomers are looking for a meeting they can get something out of. I am looking for a meeting I can put something into.

That sound a little too nice and I'm not all that nice.

What I mean is that I like to shoot off my mouth and the best place for me to do that is where it is needed most. that is why I run a jail meeting. Most of the guys there are not all that interested. They are there at the meeting to show the judge that they are trying. But a few of them are interested and really are trying. They can be overcome by the negativity. That is where I come in. I'm positive and I don't shut up. I keep the discussion going in a positive direction and I tend to dominate. It's perfect for me and it seems to work for them too.

One guy told me that he hates it when I'm not there because the meeting is very boring. My partner is not a boring guy. I like him and frankly I think he is smarter than I am at this program (don't tell him I said so :-), yet they like me. I can only guess why. I suppose it is because I have more stories of despair (I was very stubborn) and I have a lot of obvious faults even now. One guy told me I seemed a little dangerous. :-) In other words... I'm just like them.

Also "thinkin'" of what I can contribute helps me too. Just thinking along those lines, helps me to get out of my own problems. I went through a period of terrible depression. I had a lot to be depressed about... real things. So I went to meetings almost every day. Each time I went to a meeting, I left feeling a little better. The meeting was the same as any other. I've heard it all before at least three times. What made it different for me? I realized that I was thinking about how to be helpful to the person who was sharing. As each person spoke, I reached back in my mind to some similar situation I had gone thorugh and how it all turned out. I found that I didn't actually have to help out. Thinking about how I could help... helped. For one hour I stopped thinking about Alex and thought about you.... while thinking about Alex. It was enough. I walked out of there feeling better for one more day.

I have a daily reprieve.

"What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition . Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of G-d's will into all of our activities . 'How can I best serve Thee --Thy will (not mine) be done.' These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will."
-- Alcoholics Anonymous p. 85

I find it hilarious when folks get all fluttery when someone uses "G-d talk" in a meeting. It makes me think they don't read the Big Book. If you want to hide money from an alcoholic, put it in the Big Book. He'll never look there. :-)

Alex H.

Sober Chanukah

ah1270 — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 22:57:21 GMT

Chanukah is going on now. It is a minor Jewish holiday about as religiously significant as Cinco De Mayo or Flag Day. :-) However, because of it's proximity to Christmas, it has taken on the flavor of Christmas. I don't like that but no one is asking me. It is so.

It is strange to be a non-Christian during Christmas. It is a different kind of "otherness" one feels. I am not alone. I am not lonely. I don't feel compelled to join with family, eat or drink, yet every time I turn on the TV I am told (nay, shouted and cajoled) to join the family, eat a hearty meal and drink, drink, drink. It gets a little weird this time of year so I turn the TV off. It feels like Sunday.

If you want a place to go with no drinking, usually I'd suggest an AA meeting, but no doubt the religious talk there will be intense, sincerely felt and heart-warming. It's fine for a Christian (or even a non-Christian who is faking it) but for a religious non-Christian such as myself, it is a time to stay "out of church". AA is "a little too churchy" at this time of year.

Most Jews find fellowship at the synagogue or local kosher deli. Often the local Jewish community center will have a program or two going on. I am going to a lecture later this evening. It should be interesting. ("Secret Conversos of the Southwest"). It's about the present-day results of the Spanish Inquisition. Yep. Secret Mexican Jews! (I am Mexican and Jew so that's why it interests me.)

If you are Christian, I wish you a Merry Christmas. Please don't stop being yourself. In a way, it gives me permission to be myself.

If you are feeling pressure to drink due to the holiday, remember that the word holiday comes from the words "holy day". The word "holy" in Hebrew is kadosh. Kadosh means "separate" or "set aside". So "holiday" means a day, set aside... a day set aside for a special purpose. But the thing special about the day is not the date. It is the "purpose" that is special.

Those in jail cannot celebrate their holiday with their families on the day they would wish. If you can't celebrate the holiday the way you'd wish today, choose another day.

I am an Orthodox Jew and an alcoholic.
Alex H.

A Larger World

ah1270 — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 16:51:30 GMT

An alcoholic is dying. She says that she dresses herself each day. That act looms large in a world that is becoming smaller and smaller for her each day. She says "I make [the world] as large as I can."

Very good.

My world is larger due to this computer. I am limited to my bedroom with the drapes drawn. It is difficult for me to get around, but easier than for you. Today, I am preparing for a seminar on Drugs, Sex, and Integrity. I am joining a Reform Rabbi in speaking to middle school kids and their parents. He wanted an Orthodox perspective. I had to blow off the Jail meeting I usually attend on Wednesday so that I'll be in good enough shape to attend. I can't do both in the same day.

I find it essential that I travel through the Internet, answering questions and commenting where I can. It helps me to remain centered. This is situation where depression is a very real threat. I fight it by getting out of myself and looking to help others. I don't actually have to help anyone. I simply have to turn outward and look. I scan this list for example, looking for some place to insert myself. I try to add. If I cannot add, I usually remain silent.

I read a lot, but mostly I listen to audio books I order from the library. I also connect to various radio shows and listen on-line.

Very few people come to visit any more but we have a good neighbor. My wife is here. My kids are old enough to drive. I can get around if need be but I can no longer drive.

I taught and utilized Transactional Analysis at one time

I love Transactional Analysis. I'm always working it, it seems. It has been so helpful to me in understanding my communications with others. It also informs me when communication is not possible.

For those reading this posting, there are a few good books dedicated to explaining Transactional Analysis.

I'm OK--You're OK by Thomas Harris

Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis. by Eric Berne

I am sure there are others not quite as old as these are, but people don't change all that much. One can gain a lot from this books. No doubt they are at your local library.

I'm an Orthodox Jew who is recovering from alcoholism.

It's working.

FYI, the person I quoted is not from the email list that is asking me to edit these postings. Their request seems odd to me but I comply nevertheless because I love and accept them as they are.

Alex H.