Jim Loves Trek

GUEST POST: DS9S1 - The Emissary (part 1) - Dr. Steven Kilpatrick

2011-10-07T08:58:00.004-05:00

YOU WILL ALL SIT DOWN AND SHOW STEVEN THE RESPECT HE DESERVES. HE IS A POET AND A MAN OF LETTERS. THIS IS THE FIRST PART OF HOPEFULLY MANY GUEST POSTS FROM SUCH DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMEN. I DON'T THINK HE KNOWS HOW TO TAKE SCREEN SHOTS.

--

It’s time to live blog the one narrative in American culture that tells the simple tale of a black man stripped from his homeland, separated from his family by a British guy who raped and killed his wife and is then forced to work on the far side of the known world to rebuild a bigoted and religious society. Did I mention that the British guy is part of a collective society hell-bent on enslaving an entire civilization, taking away their culture and putting them to work harvesting resources?

Nope. It’s not Roots. It’s Deep Space Nine! Although, I’m sure Kunta Kinte is over on the Enterprise working for the same white devil that fucked up Sisko’s life. Speaking of getting on with this shit:

(Oh wait, I thought of one more, he was taken there by ship…)

0:01-3:25

Deep Space Nine, episode one opens with a little back story and then Picard spouting off “Resistance is futile.”

Remember when that phrase had enough novelty that you didn’t want to stomp Brannon Braga’s balls and throw him down a mineshaft? Yeah, me either. Aging sucks. This show aired before I was in high school and now I’m nearly dead. Let’s move on.

First of all, this first episode is long. It’s really long. Not as long as the withering stare that Sisko manages every few scenes. The bad news is his entire life is being rocked by the Borg. The good news? He’s now single ladies! No, his wife’s still breathing. Give it a minute. Yep. Dead. I hope there’s not any lingering tension between Sisko and Picard later.

3:40-3:45

Uh ohhhhh. Someone is classically trained and knows who August Wilson is! Damnit Avery, you’re on camera, not stage. Pull your shit together man!

4:55-6:00

A kid who lost his mother in a fire fight still doesn’t have enough perspective or understanding of the trials in life to stop bitching about a new assignment. Possible that future kids are mentally retarded? I mean, he sees a space station and asks if it’s a space station. This kid is going to wind up eating self-sealing stem bolts in a corner with his illiterate friend. I’m just guessing.

6:00-8:05

The opening credits just spoiled a lot of shit for you. Still, it’s the best song of the entire series. I wonder if we can convince Jim to record a cover of the Enterprise theme as a gag when we start covering Enterprise on the blog. I’ll do the vocals. He’ll probably remind me that I’m supposed to sing “Hold me Closer Tony Danza.” You know what, let’s keep things going. Did I mention this episode is long?

8:05-8:30

Miles is here and so is exposition through an idealized construct. That’s right, like every Star Trek in history, when you want some exposition but you’re too lazy to work it into the action, just have the captain talk aloud to himself for a while. Ooh, shit, I mean COMMANDER. Still, if you need to dump a lot of information fast, I suggest you get yourself a captain’s log. Now that I have Kinect for my 360 I’ll sometimes pretend that I’m a captain. Here’s how it usually goes:

Me: XBox—ESPN.
Xbox: [DOES NOTHING]
Me: Look you piece of shit, I said “Xbox—ESPN”
Xbox: [Opens Netflix]
Me: No god damnit! E-S-P-N!

The future has arrived.

8:40-8:45

Here’s how that really went:

Sisko: Why hasn’t anyone here cleaned this up

O’Brien: Because these fuckers were waiting on the blacks and the Irish to come in and do the dirty work.

P.S. There will be lots of social commentary because that’s how science fiction is often used traditionally. It’s a means of making our current societal issues “the other” and removing them far enough from our current perspective that we’re able to view them in a new and enlightened context.

I will then peel back the thin film of social construction for you, the reader (by you the reader I mean Jim—the only fucking reader. I’m not even reading this as I type it. I’m watching the episode. Are you calling me a liar? For god’s sake look at the time stamps!)

Geeze. There’s still like 120 minutes. We’d better find some sort of temporal situation before my ass starts hurting. From the sitting too much, not from feeling fucked by the fact that this show isn’t on Netflix yet so I have to watch a shit copy I downloaded illegally. We can redact that last part.

Right around the 9:00 mark:

First appearance of Quark—even though Shimmerman played another character on Trek in the past, this is a totally different character that doesn’t totally look just the same. Because that would be racist. Seriously. When dealing with alien life forms “race” isn’t even a misapplied signifier the way it is when dealing with skin color in the 20th and 21st century (the past for the sake of our reader). Somehow, though, despite all that progress, he’s still just a bad stand in for what some asshole thinks the Jews are like.

9:25-9:45

Not only do we get some classic Sisko over acting and eye movement, we get what seems to be a gay proposition from an elderly prostitute. This is exactly what happened to Joel in Canada.

Full disclosure: I once had a Bajoran earring made for me at a Ren Faire. That guy was wearing his on the right. That’s called “flagging.”

10:00-11:00

Oh, good. Jake is still whining like a pussy. I guess in space black men don’t back hand their children anymore. At what cost, progress?!!

Miles: Oh, and by the way Sisko, if you don’t have anything else to do (you know, since your wife is dead and your life is in shambles) could you go andtalktocaptainpicardyouknowtheguywhokilledyourwife?

Sisko: What was that chief?

Miles: Nothin’

Now Jake is bitching about the food replicators. No wonder Sisko holds it together so well. His wife may be dead but he’s still got plenty of pussy in his life. Jake, act like a man…and get out of those silly ass overalls.

12:00-16:00

Kira spends a while being grumpy and having a shitty haircut. We also meet Odo via comm screen. We see him again soon after when he’s screaming at bad guys.

Oh, and Odo is one of those liquid terminators.

Quark gets his first speaking part of the episode. Sisko makes his first real power play. Black people are shifty—but so is Odo. We can’t trust ANY of these fuckers.

16:15-20:00

Picard doesn’t remember killing Sisko’s wife. AWKWAAARRRD!

Sisko also reveals that he might not stay with Starfleet. I sure hope there’s a key plot point that convinces him to stay. It’s taken us too many years to get a black captain [ok fine, commander] and I’m not ready to let that go yet.

Another aside: How is it that in our actual time we have an actual black president, but it took the open minded future decades to get a black leading man? Once we got one we still only got a commander. Sisko is still the only Trek leading man who had to work his way up to captain through the course of the series.

Great moment of dramatic irony (which is when the audience knows something that the character does not you fucking idiots, stop going to google every god damn time I use a literary term) as the likely departing Sisko blackmails the departing Quark into staying.

What. A. Fucking. Hypocrite.

21:33 -24:00

Sisko eye fucks Kira while they both compare the size of their custodian dicks. Yeah, that’s right, we have a strong woman and a strong black man proving that they’re really really great at tidying up and gossiping. Thank goodness the gay, homeless, Bajoran Santa Clause comes to spare us any more.

Also, when Sisko tries to prove his hands are dirty, how the fuck is an alien white woman supposed to know the difference?

25:00-28:00

The Kai mentions irony. I’ve been preparing you assholes for it, but you weren’t ready.

I’m shocked this bitch didn’t feed Sisko a cookie. THERE IS NO SPOON!

Damnit, now I wish Avery Brooks had been Neo.

Wait a second—now that I’ve seen him in that ugly shirt I take it all back.

Also, it’s a little weird that Sisko is narrating this event with Jen as it happens. This isn’t a captain’s log, you’re looking a little crazy.

31:00-33:45

We find out that Sisko has a journey to take. You think it’s some sort of Star Trek?

Meanwhile, people are drinking and gambling again. It’s good to know that in times of tragedy we always get the important businesses up and running first. How long before we have a shuttlecraft bailout in this episode?

34:00-38:00

That awkward fellow is Julian. The attractive, smug one is Dax. Ok, so they’re both smug. Make a note heathens. Only one of them will be dead in six seasons. SPOILER!

We get to see that somehow Julian and Kira both have a decent working knowledge of the lingo of U.S. Westerns and the notion of the noble savage.

Gee, I sure wish there was some sort of plot device that we could use to see exactly how a trill works or what one looks li—OH MY GOD WE’VE BEEN TRANSPORTED TO ANOTHER PLACE!

Trills look far less fuckable than I’d hoped.

39:00-40:20

O’Brien is on the set of the Enterprise. Picard comes in to remind him that the English can get the jump on the Irish any time they like.

There’s less tension and more affection in this particular interaction with Picard. Anyone else think it’s because Picard has yet to kill anyone in O’Brien’s family? You can argue the point if you think I’m off base.

41:00

The Enterprise has left and now the Cardassians are about to wave their dicks around. You know what, come to think of it, I’m not really sure if the Cardassians are packing. Pretty ethnocentric of me I guess. All I really know is those guys found a way to rape a whole lot of Bajoran women.

You know what…we’d better make this a two-parter.

TNGS2: Pen Pals

2011-10-06T16:56:00.001-05:00

Shit man, another episode I didn't remember right off the bat. It is kind of like Seinfeld, where I have seen 99% of the episodes but every once and a while I find one that managed to slip through the cracks. Too bad it looks like this is a god damn Wesley episode. A synopsis from another fellow ultra nerd went like "the shitty one where data is on AOL instant messenger with some chick who lives in some alien Pompeii".

"A/S/L?"

Pretty much, this episode is boring. And child molester-y. This alien lady is like 10 and Data is getting his flirt on while her planet is blowing up. We only find out that it is blowing up because of lame ass Wesley Crusher. He even has the gall to interrupt Riker while he is trying to get his dingle some tingle.

Enterprise hussy

At the very least this episode touches on the Prime Directive, which is one of the more compelling aspects of exploring the galaxy. Riker, the cold blooded bastard, is all for just letting the entire planet with the girl on it blow up because it was their fate or something. Somehow, stupid Wesley figures out a way to save the day with his nerd powers in like 13 seconds.

For some reason Data decides it would be a good idea to beam down and talk to this chick? Where is Chris Hansen when you need him? This is a total fuckup but he does it anyways, has to have her memory wiped, but gives her a rock when she is asleep. And maybe gets a little grope on? Bad Android, bad!

"she was so angelic...!"

Creepy bro, mad creepy.

I wonder where that finger is going....

Oh yea, Picard rides a horse.

cool story bro

TNGS2: The Icarus Factor

2011-10-05T16:45:00.001-05:00

Yet another time when Riker turns down his own command to stay on the Enterprise. I guess being the XO on the flagship is better than being captain of some dirt freighter? Probably more tang on the Enterprise.

This episode is a total bummer. Riker is one of my favorite characters and this one is about his dang daddy issues. I guess paw paw ditched him when he was a kid and that made him sad. Daddy Riker tries to make things right but Riker ain't having it. God damnit quit trying to give the cool badasses feelings.

The b plot is also about Worf having some god damn feelings. How are you going to make the two most stone cold dudes on the show turn into whiny crybabies in the same dang episode. At least Worf isn't crying about his pappy but about some Klingon shit. He fights through it and gets stabbed with some pain sticks at least.

This one is hard to watch, feelings, sappy piano music and strings. I can't get even into the Riker's dad character since he made the poor choice to bang Dr. Pulaski.

Yea, bad call dude

Blah blah blah, they do some weird blind american gladiators shit, and Riker stays - the end. Fuck this episode.

edit: ok god damn I have to admit the anbo-jitsu suits are pretty fucking weird-rad

TNGS2: Time Squared

2011-10-05T16:11:00.000-05:00

To repeat, I watched this one about a week ago and even took screenshots on my laptop, but I'm at work and bored out of my mind so fuck it. lets just get through this together and it will really strengthen our relationship. Because that is how build attachment, solve problems together! This blog is a problem, and it needs solving people. As far as I can tell there are only two ways out, Keep Trekkin' or Die Tryin' (jesus kill me now).

The opening scene is kinda silly. Riker, like a boss, is throwing a dinner party for all his Enterprise bros and decides to make omelets. Which is classy - breakfast for dinner but still sorta frenching it up. Except Riker, bro, for one thing you are making fucking scrambled eggs here homeboy, and for another, you are sucking at it. This is maybe my biggest complaint about eating eggs out at restaurants - fucking nobody knows how to make a god damn scrambled egg. If I ever get served to me some scrambled eggs that aren't fucking overcooked, dry, and flavorless, I will collapse down on my knees and praise THE ONE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED. Come on guys, low heat, keep them moving at all times, add some butter at the end. How hard is that! You don't have to stir them beforehand, don't season them till you are done, please, make me some decent scrambled eggs!

Riker is making his on a god damn griddle and they come out nasty. Might be because he got the eggs from some peruvian feathered stink ox or something, but only Worf eats them and it is comical.

Besides that, this episode has some problems much like The Royale. It has an interesting premise, some time travel that is surprisingly not obnoxious, and is a Picard episode. Yet, it is awfully forgetful since in the end nothing fucking happens. The McGuffin vanishes, and everybody goes on their merry way. Apparently this was supposed to be the intro of a long Q plot but that stupid boner Gene Roddenberry nixed it. It is good if only for the Picard on Picard scenes - now that is what I call erotic!

TNGS2: The Royale

2011-10-05T15:53:00.000-05:00

Well dudes, I fucked up. I watched this episode and the next a while back and never screenshotted or wrote about them and now I'm screwed. The result has been me not watching any Trek and god damnit this will simply not stand. So, I'm going to write a few shitty paragraphs for each and move on. 700+ fucking episodes, they can't all be winners. Go fuck yourself.

Alright, so The Royal is my least favorite kind of episode - quirky situation makes characters act quirky and then everything goes back to normal. What do they call these, bottle episodes? Some shit like that where the arc of the series doesn't move at all.

Reading the episode notes, apparently this one started out cooler and was hacked up in committee to be the semi bland end result. I am of the opinion, especially lately, that greatness comes from when one guy is the driving force behind whichever creative endeavor. Or one team, or whatever, none of this design by committee bullshit. Once the executives get their grubby little paws on things, shit hits the fan. Look at South Park, or Louie, where they basically just hand those dudes bags of money through a slot in the door every month and they give them a new episode. And they are the best shows on TV! I digress.

So, The Royale consists of the enterprise finding a piece of an old NASA probe far off in the boonies, being confused, finding a place on the surface of a methane atmosphere planet that has a pocket of air and a door on a soundstage.

Strange fucking door in the middle of nowhere on an uninhibited planet! Better walk in!

So they do, and immediately become stuck somehow. They deduce they are acting out the shitty book The Royale and win their way out of the situation. And then they go home, the end. Who cares!

Maybe I am ragging on this episode too hard. It ain't that bad. There is one thing that always kind of bothered me, and its not even particular to this episode but I fucked up and don't have anything else to write about. What is the fucking range on Deanna Troi's powers? How can she telepath all the way down to a god damn planet while she is in orbit? Or sense other people in ships when the Enterprise comes in contact? She is always able to tell how Riker is doing, emotionally of course, what a fucking worthless superpower.

Uh yea, I should move on to Time Squared, butcher that one, and get back on track here. To repeat, go fuck yourselves.

TNGS2: Contagion

2011-09-28T16:51:00.000-05:00

The first three minutes of this episode are 10 trillion times better than the whole last one. Neutral zone, Galaxy class ship blowing up, black captain with an awesome stache, Romulans! I mean shit. Seriously, god damn I am still mad about that shitty Wesley episode I had to watch.

Uhh, well shit. I got kinda too engrossed in this episode to take anymore screen caps. There wasn't really anything to make fun of, just fucking solid. Once again, I guess because of the writer's strike they were just looking around for anybody to write an episode. This one was done by the office computer guy.

So the black wizard captain of the Yamato was on a mission to find some archeological site, and his ship started acting all kuh-razy and then blew itself up. Kuh-razy! Then, Picard orders tea and gets a potted plant instead! Super kuh-razy!

It just so happens that the old alien guys gave the ships a computer virus (oh no!!!!), Data too, and the solution?

Ridiculous. This episode is still greatness, I mean maybe just because I watched it right after that last abomination - but I will give it the benefit of the doubt. I give this episode the rating of 43 Conan O'Briens.

TNGS2: The Dauphin

2011-09-28T15:14:00.000-05:00

God damn I don't remember this one at all. Probably because it is a shitty Wesley episode. Don't try to fool us into thinking Wesley likes girls - we all know the truth. His little onesies, his pompadour, this whole fucking episode is god damn awkward Wesley pretending he likes girls. Fucking terrible. How are you going to have a shitty Wesley episode right after a beast like Measure of a Man. Fucking shameful.

fucking hate you wesley

So yea, there is some girl who is supposed to be head honcho of some backwater planet that nobody knows or cares about. She falls in love with stupid boner Wesley for some god damn reason and of course that is bad news. Everybody tries to tell her that Wesley is a crybaby wiener and that he is totally not worth it but of course that just makes her like him more. It is like they don't know dumb teenage girls at all. She is pretty dang hot though.

There is a scene where she has some random other hot girl in her room and I'm waiting for them to start making out or something but no, she turns into a fucking little ewok thing. This episode sucks. The ewok things make this horrible fucking noise too, like a drunk guy with down's syndrome who just realized the absurdity of his own existence.

you know, maybe just make out a little

wtf

The plot of this episode is so dumb I can't be bothered to care. There are three funny scenes though, one is Worf getting a bone thinking about mating with some nasty Klingon ladies and getting all pervy. Another is when Geordi realizes that Wesley has his little girl boner and can't work. "Eventually you will give up on girls and hang out in engineering like me Wes."

The last funny thing is any time they do the weird ewok shape shifting thing the stop motion effects are horrible. This show blows my mind, sometimes the effects and sets will badass and then sometimes....ridiculous.

seriously look at this ridiculous thing

Best part of the episode? Wesley looking sad.

Worst part? Wesley being a little crybaby for the 8,000th time. "Oh I fell in love with you in 13 minutes and then you turned out to be a shapeshifting weirdo wah wah wah". Man up, shitheel. Sometimes the lady turns out to be not as awesome as she looks.

SO MANY FEEEEEEEEEEELINGS

I give this episode -37 stars. Fuck you Dauphin.

she is too hot for you anyways

TNGS2: The Measure of a Man

2011-09-28T12:00:00.000-05:00

Fuck man I am slipping. Was hoping to be on a season/month pace but I am being a piece of shit "playing music" and "dating a girl"- Rick Berman would be ashamed of me, worst Trek fan ever.

Episode starts with something I had forgotten about, the bridge crew poker game. Right off the bat I can tell something is a little different with this episode, new director or something. Different shots and camera angles and whatnot than usual. It is not anything major, but just this shot pointing up towards the characters with the Enterprise chillin in the background is a nice change of pace. I like/am ashamed that I am able to notice these things.

This is a pretty rad one, has all the elements that make a good Trek episode for me. For one, it is basically a Picard episode even though it revolves around the philosophical implications of Data. Anytime they let Patrick Stewart off the leash is going to be fucking amazing. Also, this episode deals with the banality of Starfleet which for some fucking stupid reason always fascinates me.

The crux of this episode is that some fucking weasel wants to take Data apart and build a shitload more. But apparently the operation is not without risks, so Data doesn't want to do it. Fucking weasely asshole guy decides to be a little bitch and get his admiral buddy to pull some strings and get Data declared as property.

Check out that ridiculous admiral's uniform. Fake ass Adrian Brody on the right there is the weasel. Apparently he is some shitty robotics guy and hates Data because he is not as cool as him. Picard, knowing that his monologues are unstoppable killing machines, challenges the Starfleet ruling in a military court, which is run by the same lady who tried to court martial him after the Stargazer incident.

"I want your Jean-Luc dong"

Picard has an ace up his sleeve in that this lady is begging for it. They get the trial underway, and with a little "this is just like slavery" pep talk from Whoopi, Picard fucking nails it and shows that weasel what is up. Also, Data has to admit that he banged Tasha in court which is p funny.

Like I said man, cool fucking episode. Manages to touch on some heavy shit without being overly preachy or ridiculous. I had forgotten about this one and I am surprised it was from season 2. Apparently the writer's strike was still going on so they dug up fucking lawyer scab script and changed some names around but I'll be damned if it didn't work. And yea, first time out for director Robert Scheerer, nailed it bro. Some cool shots:

Time for some fun Data facts too:
Storage Capacity: 800 quadrillion bits (100 PB) (The entire internet now is 5.8 PB)
Processor Speed: 60 trillion ops/ec (60 THz)

TNGS2: A Matter of Honor

2011-09-23T17:41:00.000-05:00

Man the intro to this episode is weird. Strangely dull, I guess it is sort of what it would be like to live on the ship day to day as they are doing some crew transfers. Then, Picard and Riker and go some wildass phaser range. I dunno, there is no music, it is just a weird vibe.

I guess Riker is going to temporarily hang out on a Klingon ship? Thought it would be a good time. There is a fart sniffer guy back from before too.

Fart sniffer is a total dick, acting like he owns the place. A typical trait of fart sniffers I guess. Fucks shit up for everybody in this episode with his nasty fart breath. Wesley has a crush on him and they almost touch wieners on the bridge.

He notices some doodoo growing on the Klingon ship and doesn't tell anybody. Then, the doodoo starts growing on the Enterprise. But oh no, Riker is hanging with his Klingon bros and they think he did it!

Riker hanging out on the Klingon ship is pretty rad. He beats some ass, suggets a threesome with some nasty Klingon ladies, eats worms and hearts and shit, good times.

As a quick aside, I fucking love the way Klingon Birds of Prey look. Sorta weird that they have the Birds of Prey and the Romulans got Warbirds, cool theme I guess.

Fart breath finds a way to get rid of the doodoo on the ships, but the Klingons are still convinced it was an attack. Riker uses his good looks and wits to remove the Klingon captain and takes over, saving the day, as usual, with grace and dignity for all parties involved. There is a reason I am growing this shitty Riker beard, maybe one day I can be 1/30th as cool as a fictional starfleet officer.

thats doodoo baby!

TNGS2: Unnatural Selection

2011-09-21T18:52:00.001-05:00

aww yisss

ALRIGHT NERDS, this episode is surprisingly not bad despite the fact that it spits in the face of the official Star Trek canon. SPITS IN ITS FACE I SAY. More on this later.

Enterprise is straight chillin, as usual, and gets a distress call from some transport ship. I always imagined it would be a total bummer to be a captain on some shitty starship, going from shit planet to shit planet, carrying loads of ore or whatever. It is easy to get lost in the ritz and glamour of the Enterprise but god damnit somebody has got to the shit work. Picard 'n' crew roll up to the shitship and nobody is home, so they decide to hack their shit and find out what the deal is.

Oh noes, everybody is a dead Frankenstein monster! But seriously you guys! Apparently everybody over there got real old real fast. Which is a total bummer, because being old sucks a lot dudes. I just had to go visit my grandmother in a physical therapy rehab center and god damn, totally blowing my brains out before I get old. Totes not worth it.

Like the awesome detectives they are, Enterprise krew decides to backtrack on the cargo vessel's last stops and they head to some research outpost. At said outpost shit is bad because everybody there has the same disease! Crap!

Turns out down there they are doing genetic engineering on humans. Tsk tsk! DON'T YOU KNOW, SHITTY STAR TREK WRITERS, THAT GENETIC ENGINEERING WAS OUTLAWED AFTER WORLD WAR III? DON'T YOU REMEMBER KHAN? KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In any case, planet bros are super bummed because they made a bunch of young looking A.C. Slater's and want to save them! But Picard says no, not swayed by their handsomeness.

uncomfortably handsome

Stupid Pulaski wants to bring them on board and thinks she is super smart but Picard says no some more. She thinks she is sooooooooooo smart so she decides to treat the patient on a shuttle away from everyone else. But, she sucks, and gets sick from the handsome kid. Oh and they are telepaths, did I mention that?

Enterprise decides "well fuck you then" and drops her off on the planet to get old and die. Sort of like what you do when your grandparents get way too old, drop them off on a home somewhere.

"How about some bingo, deary?"

Pulaski also has the nerve to shit on Data some more, but he is a total badass and saves the day. Then, the Enterprise goes back and blows up the Frankenstein ship. Bummer dudes!

PEACE OUT BITCHES

TNGS2: Schizoid Man

2011-09-14T10:58:00.000-05:00

Hell yea, I like this episode for a couple of reasons. One, it is more or less Data centric and Data is just so god damned lovable - the ultimate Tin Man. The allegory is laid on pretty thick in this one but all is forgiven.

Two, it has one of the unintentionally funniest lines ever in Star Trek:

WOMEN AREN'T PEOPLE! I was hanging out with a buddy of mine who had never smoked weed before and is also a huge Trek nerd. So there we are, all fucking blasted, and this hambone actor drops that line and we both start laughing our asses off. Had to be there I guess.

Lastly, this episode actually touches on something pretty fucking heavy - the ability to download and store a human consciousness - essentially immortality. This is a big hoopla in this day in age called the Technological Singularity, the theory that eventually our computational power will become so great we can download ourselves. The only fucking nitpick (always gotta have one) is that Star Trek will just be like "oh yea we can do this now" and then never talk about it again. They realize one of humanity's greatest dreams and then just move on like nothing ever happened. If you had the chance to download your personality and live in a perfect robot body once you got old, fuck yea you would do it.

Anywho, this episode is about this super smart scientist bro dying and stealing Data's body. I have teased the shit out of Brent Spiner before but at this point he is playing Data pretty well. In fact, he is pretty dang good as a guy trying to pretend to BE Data. Brent Spiner bringing out his old Night Court chops here.

There is a really funny scene at Grave's funeral when everybody sort of figures out that shit is wrong and crosses their arms, incredulously.

Later, Picard is trying to nail Grave's old assistant which makes Data/Ira lose his shit. He lets on to his hussy wannabe girlfriend but she wants nothing to do with him now. Dudes always gotta go all crazy for some lady and screw up everything. The fuckin' way she goes. Picard quotes some Shakespeare and saves the day. Thats when you know you got problems, when P. Stewart busts out the sonnets and the stage falls.

Oh, and in this episode Data has a beard.

TNGS2: Loud as a Whisper

2011-09-13T17:31:00.001-05:00

Man god damnit, I thought the next episode was Schizoid Man but no, it is this claptrap. That one rules and this one, not so much, but hey, we we are watching ALL the Star Treks here. Even the shitty ones, hell, especially the shitty ones. At least I get my Ron Jones, it is really sad at this point that I can tell whether or not it is one of his episodes almost immediately. This is quickly turning into a Ron Jones gay fanfic blog, so buckle up y'all.

So Handsome!

Back to this god damn episode about this no talking bearded rapist.

Totally a raper.

So, this fucking asshole has three other shitheads who talk for him and read his thoughts. It is fucking obnoxious and surprise surprise, so is this this guy.

Each of those assholes represents a different part of his personality, the nerd, the rapist, and the cunt. So, whatever part of beardo's personality wants to talk, one of the other dorks does. God forbid you get the system wrong because then the ginger beardo throws a god damn hissy fit.

And of course, he is automatically in love with Troi since she is an intergalactically known prostitute. So, Beardo takes his rapist guy with him to double team her. The other two schlubs are left to their own devices - sorta awkward. Troi once again falls for them almost instantly, I feel really bad for Riker having probably gotten space-clap from her.

Seriously, this is their fucking date, dude creeping around behind them.

Beardo gets c-blocked by his fucking job, throws another big baby hissy fit, but then gets to it. He is a negotiator of some sort, hired to bring peace to two shitty aliens that have been fighting for 1500 years. Good luck with that bro.

They all beam down to the surface and then the coolest shit ever happens, one of the aliens blasts away his god damn interpreters, leaving stupid beardo to run around throwing sign language nobody understands.

nice acting, dorks

Turns out the actor playing the beardo is actually deaf in real life, and in case you didn't know, deaf people in real life are kinda assholes. Seriously they take the deaf lifestyle super duper seriously and get mad when you talk shit about deaf people. So yea, fuck you deaf bastards.

This interpretor guy throws another giant hissy fit after they die and almost refuses to help. This guy is fucking made of hissy fits. But then Troi cries and gets her way and makes him quit being a little deaf bitch. Can't stand crybabies and this guy is the worst fuckin' crybaby ever. So, finally, Troi and her sluttiness pay off, they go down and everybody lives happily ever after. Of course the deaf bastard playing the beardo proposed the new ending which is that learning sign language saved the day for everybody.

Seriously, fuck deaf people.

"nuh, fuh yu"

TNGS2: The Outrageous Okona

2011-09-12T16:14:00.001-05:00

Oh man this lame ass episode.

It is about a dork with a mullett and a puffy shirt who bangs the space skanks on the enterprise, including Terry Hatcher.

If that wasn't bad enough, they had a b-plot of Data trying to learn how to be funny from god damn Joe Piscopo - which is like trying to learn how to be a Christian from Ted Haggard. (heyoooooo)

There is only one good scene in this whole episode, and it is when Worf is sent to hunt down puffy shirt from some hussy's quarters. Ron Jones lays down a badass Worf theme as he is on the hunt.

So then some other space dorks are on the hunt for puffy shirt mullet man and they find him but oh no they were confused the whole time. Then some shitty w-list actors proclaim their love to each other, the end. Fuck this episode.

TNGS2: Elementary, Dear Data

2011-09-08T17:10:00.001-05:00

Ha. This was the first episode of Trek I ever decided to watch on my own. I was a little confused since I didn't know what the fuck was going on, let alone what a holodeck was. Then again, 15 years later and I'm writing a god damn Star Trek blog.

So yea, this is another holodeck episode which I'm normally not big on but this one is pretty fucking rad. Nerdy Geordi and Data decide to get a little R&R by playing dress up and solving Sherlock Holmes mysteries, which really sounds pretty dang fun. Then again this is the beginning of the realization that Geordi needs a god damn girlfriend to keep his nerddom from running his life. Sound familiar?

"check out my sweet ship android bro"

Data and Geordi head off to the holodeck and Data makes Geordi play bitch ass Watson to his Holmes. Data, however, is no fun to play with and Geordi gets upset and throws a hissy fit, runs out of the holodeck back to 10-forward to cry.

grow a pair, dear Watson

To be fair Data was sort of being a dick about it and immediately solving all the mysteries since he doesn't know any better. Then again it is like getting mad at a poorly trained dog. Your fault, not his, you butthole. Dr. Asshole Pulaski chimes in to say that Data sucks and could never do anything great because he is a robot, blah blah, she is a total cunt to him constantly. Nobody likes you Pulaski.

In an effort to prove that beeitch wrong, Geordi tells the computer to make an enemy super tough for Data, which it does in Prof. Moriarty.

The guy playing Moriarty, Daniel Davis, is actually pretty badass at it. He is some regular schmoe journeyman actor but kills it here. He is sort like a Michael Parks, just willing to knock it out of the park for some schlub role on Star Trek.

Apparently by asking the computer to create a tough nemesis for Data, it managed to create a sentient hologram that was able to take over the ship. It is highly preposterous (you have to say that with a nerd voice) that this could occur, but nonetheless it does. There is some psuedo-intellectual babble about the nature of AI and all that but the Moriarty character, with dignity, recognizes the situation and relinquishes control pack to Picard (after the speech of course).

Cool sets, cool costumes, some even decent FX, all around rad episode. Season 2 is getting along quite nicely - maybe I just like this one so much because there is no Wesley.

TNGS2: Where Silence Has Lease

2011-09-02T14:50:00.002-05:00

More hallucinogen inspired nature of reality babble going on here. Despite some flaws, this is really a pretty nice episode, especially given some of the constraints. The opening scene is sort of bizarre, and feels like they spent all their money on it. It is Riker joining Worf on his "workout" sessions on the holodeck, fucking dudes up with his power glove.

This scene sort of rules. It set is light years ahead of anything they had in the first season, and the dudes they are fighting are genuinely creepy as hell. There is even some Riker sexiness going on.

This part really makes Worf seem like an out of control animal. After he ices his dude he almost kills Riker in the heeeaaaaaat of the moooooment. The also-sexy Jean Luc is concerned.

Patrick Stewart is one of those guys who makes acting look easy as hell. He recites all these cheesy lines with such conviction you can't help but get into it. Watching the rest of these schlubs figure their shit out while he is just dancing circles around them is...well, you feel embarrassed for the other actors. They're getting better but god damn he is a pro and was from day one.

Besides the holodeck scene, Where Silence Has Lease takes place entirely on the Enterprise sets. The plot is fuckin dumb, the Enterprise flies into a giant space blob which is actually the home of some sentient weirdo face and has to figure its way out.

different colored space jizz!!!!

Despite the silliness of it all, there are a lot of cool shots, a lot of cool music, and some decent acting by the whole cast to make some parts genuinely creepy. Riker and Worf are over on some ghost ship and I'll be danged if I wasn't really a little freaked out. My main nigga Ron Jones holding it down with the music again.

Anyways stupid space face wants to kill half the crew for funsies so Picard says fuck it I'll blow up the whole ship instead (what a badass). There is a scene where Picard is ready to go down with the ship and he is listening to Trois Gymnopédies by Erik Satie and yea sure its maybe a little over the top but dang if that ain't some poignant music.

TNG brings back the tradition of the red shirt here with some ensign who is unfortunately not Wesley. Space face decides to kill him and it is sorta funny looking.

<insert racist joke here>

The face decides to let them go, the end. I'm giving this episode the rating of mad decent.
Edit: lol

TNGS2: The Child

2011-08-30T16:45:00.000-05:00

Thought I could stay away but god damn, Trek, you are too alluring. I also thought about maybe switching gears and doing a season of Enterprise or something but I'll save that for when I'm feeling for masochistic.

So! Season 2! Some big changes! Geordi is Chief Engineer, finally. Worf is Head of Security, finally. Riker's (in)famous beard is born, Crusher is replaced (temporarily) by Dr. Pulaski (boo), fucking Whoopie Golberg?, and Wesley has a new onesie!

Everything feels a bit tighter in the new season. Some nicer graphics and what not, I guess they were doing pretty good at this point and could afford to spend more on some shots. There is a scene of a shuttle taking off that doesn't look fuckin ridiculous, so that is something.

It is a shame that this episode is so dumb, being the first one of the new season. I guess they were still fucked from the writer's strike so they rehashed some old TOS script that never got used. This one is about intergalactic super whore Deanna Troi getting pregnant by some weird space seed. I guess it heard she was a freak bitch and decided to knock her up.

There is a hilarious scene where the whole bridge crew talks about how big of a slut she is and whether or not to abort her whore baby. But she totally freaks out and goes baby crazy.

Wallow in shame, harlot

Because of its space based magical properties, the energy-jizz-whatever thing turns into a kid in like 2 days. Troi goes from normal to knocked up to birthing awfully quickly. The birth scene is ridiculous, I guess her betazoidgina is so stretched out from whichever truck stop they were at getting dilithium that they little niglet just flys right out. Deanna doesn't feel anything.

"daaaaaaaaamn nigga u pregnant"

So, instead of being like "Oh I got space raped and now I have this weird freak baby" Deanna is more like "I'M A MOM NOW MEET MY SON IAN ISN'T THAT AWESOME? DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO THE FACT THAT MY FREAK BABY GREW 4 FEET IN 20 MINUTES AND CAN TALK AND SHIT. HE IS MY BAAAAAAAAABY!!! BAAAAAABBBBBBYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!"

God damn that kid is fucking ugly. And annoying too! Fuck I hate kids.

Anyways blah blah freak baby is making some weird virus they are transporting on board go out of control so he turns back into a space-seed-light-thingy and floats off. Troi cries because her 2 day old weird not even really human son is gone, wtf, and then everything is back to normal. Oh man but then we have to hear for like 10 minutes some god damn Wesley shit. "wah wah wah I want to stay on the Enterprise. wah wah wah I don't want pear juice from galactus 9 whoopie goldberg!" Looks like we are stuck with crybaby asshole Wesley for a while.

tee-hee

Two awesome things about this episode to wrap things up. One, the guy transporting whatever plague thing is hilarious looking and two, fuck yea Colm Meaney. One of my favorite Trek actors (and characters really, O'Brien rules and I named a song after him) is finally transporter chief. If we have to have Whoopie (she must have really needed money), I'm glad we got Mr. Meaney too.

sup Donald

<3 U SO MUCH COLM <3

STATE OF THE BLOG

2011-08-29T13:25:00.000-05:00

Greetings cretins. We are one season down and only have uhh, like 30 to go. Fuck.

Pat yourselves on the back because we got 100 WHOLE VISITORS TO JIM LOVES TREK. MONUMENTAL!

Coming soon I will start on season 2 of TNG and plow through. Also, I will be introducing guest posts where, you guessed it, GUEST WILL WRITE POSTS ABOUT HOW MUCH THEY ALSO LOVE TREK. And space jizz.

First guest post will be dirtbag poet laureate Stephan Urr-kell Kilpatrick, giving y'all some DS9 love. Stay tuned.

<3

The Neutral Zone

2011-08-24T18:27:00.001-05:00

I should probably not be trying to watch this episode right after the masterpiece that is Conspiracy. Oh well. Picard is off TCBn when the Enterprise finds some old POS cryogenics satellite.

Spooky! Picard gets back and its right into The Neutral Zone. They find some frozen dudes on the space ship that aren't skeletons and revive them.

This is back to silly character stories and I am just not having it. Even the Ron Jones music sorta blows. Apparently this episode was supposed to introduce the Borg but they couldn't because of some fucking writer's strike. Fucking writers, total assholes. Ruined god damn Pushing Daisies.

There is a lot of time wasting talking about the cryo-dudes feelings and shit. I was right earlier, I can't be bothered to care about these dorks, should have waited a sec.

The main plot is still sorta rad. We get to see a Romulan Warbird in all its glory. Fucking huge, awesome ships.

Romulans are awesome, like evil twin Vulcans. Total dicks too, I like that in a species. They make ballsy threats and then take off.

Anyways, the Romulans have some bases destroyed by the Borg too, nice setup for the future ultra bad dudes of the series. Too bad the B plot was so fucking annoying.

edit: whoaaaaa, didn't realize I just finished the first season! fuck yea!

Conspiracy

2011-08-24T17:15:00.000-05:00

Oh man, another great episode. Probably the best of the first season, in my humble nerdpinion. There is an actually funny scene in the beginning where Geordi is telling Data some raunchy zero gravity jizz joke and he has the creepiest fucking serial killer laugh ever.

huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh

There is another actually funny line where Worf admits he hates swimming because it is too close to bathing. God damn Worf must stink like shit constantly.

"Nothing funny about baths"

After the laffs on the bridge Picard gets some ultra secret fancy message that has to go to his rocking bachelor pad.

Something is afoot! Captain so and so has Picard meet him and some other captain bros on some shit mining planet, with no details. This is really the first episode that doesn't feel out and out silly. There is an actual sense of danger and confusion, moreso after Picard meets the other captains on the planet who reveal their suspicions of a conspiracy among the highest echelons of Starfleet. Even the mine set is legitimately creepy.

Picard has Data scan Starfleet files with his laser fast opto eyes. There is another funny scene where the computer even tells Data to shut the fuck up.

my word!

The plot thickens with the unexplained explosion of Picard's bro's ship, The Horatio. Bridge crew decides "fuck this" and heads back to Earf.

Back on Earth, oh no! It is the doucher from Coming of Age, with his old man admiral lemonparty.org crew.

Even though they fooled me before and I'm probably being fooled again, I always like the San Francisco shots of Starfleet HQ.

Admiral Quinn is around again but Picard doesn't trust him. Quinn is carrying around his laptop Alien, which, spoiler alert, is making errbody all crazy!

I'm gonna get all up in ya

There is an AWESOME scene where Quinn is trying to impregnate Riker with this thing. Apparently it gives you super strength and shit, and also teaches you how to do a badass roundhouse kick.

Tatsumaki Senpukyaku!

Riker manages to land a few sweet jump kicks of his own but still gets his ass handed to him by super buff Quinn. Even the stuntwork is better in this episode. Nicer sets, nicer shots, everything. I wonder why they turned it up to 11 on this one?

Quinn even manages to beat the shit out of smelly old Worf before getting blasted by Dr. Crusher. She finds the alien's little tail sticking out.

CG is even sort of rad here. There is a sweet holo scan showing the parasite burrowing into Quinn's brain. Back down in Starfleet the possessed dudes try to make Picard eat some grubs, truly creepy scene.

Even Riker eats some. Riker manages to fake a possession and blasts some dudes. Only nitpick of the episode is that it looks mad cheesy when the aliens leave the bodies. Anyways, turns out the doucher from way back is the queen of the aliens so Picard and Riker blast the shit out of him. I wish Tasha would have died like that. THE END.

We'll Always Have Paris

2011-08-23T17:45:00.000-05:00

So all of a sudden you are fencing with your bro and then you start tripping balls through time.

Fencing seems like such a suave sport, of course Picard plays it. I have a cousin who fences, and he was getting recruited for a scholarship at NYU when he was like, 13. Taking trips to Switzerland and shit. Fuck him.

The temporal ball tripping was due to some scientist on some planet or another. I guess Picard was in love with her but then bailed because was being a big pussy. Hey it happens to the best of us. He makes a ridiculous recreation of some cafe in Paris.

The holodeck puts a couple of french hussies in the cafe and one of them is ridiculously good looking. Love that french accent!

Picard's real life lady is not nearly as slammin'

Crazy foil lady was working in a lab with the time scientist guy and shit blew up and killed a bunch of people. Crusher is getting mad jealous with picard's old slit around.

Shit starts getting weird with the time travel and whatnot. Gonna go ahead and say that I frankly do not care for time travel plots. They are always ridiculous and usually have zero repercussions.

oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit

There is some new dork transporter chief who almost kills everybody. Looks like a god damn yokel.

The professor's name is Mannheim and god damn if that isn't the funniest name ever. He wakes up from his coma or whatever and he starts talking like some dude who tripped on LSD or something.

Rest of the episode is time distortion this, time distortion that. And Picard trying to get his d wet. Never does though, which is sort of a bummer. Hopefully he spends some time with the hot holodeck lady, who the internets tell me is Isabel Lorca.

So yea, time jargon, Data saves the day, who cares. God damnit why are all my least favorite episodes written by girls? Picard gives a good lesson for all the bros out there - don't be a big sloppy pussy when you got a lady.

Skin of Evil

2011-08-22T16:12:00.000-05:00

ohhhhh yeeeeeaaaaaaaaaa

GREAT episode.

not for long lady

yet ANOTHER chief engineer

Almost lose Troi at the beginning of this episode too. God damn how great would that be, knocking out Yar and Troi in one episode.

Oh yea, this is the one where Tasha Yar dies. Like I said, great episode.

Stupid Denise Crosby was "not happy" with her role on the show, blah blah blah, decided she wanted out. So, the writers, I'm sure gleefully, killed her character off. But then she realized she made a horrible career decision and begs to be brought back! So she shows up later on in the show as some other character. THEN, has the gall to produce the Trekkies documentary. She is like the shitty girlfriend that dumps you for some greasy italian guy and then wants you back after he gave her herpes. fuck you beeitch

Planet whatever 2 has the same shitty TOS style landscape as the rest of the sets on these early episodes. Before the away team and get to the wreckage a big pile of goo is in the way. Super shitty graphics here for the goo, looks drawn on.

Oooo big scary goop man.

Hahahaha man the voice acting for the goo pile is hysterical. I feel like the Star Trek actors are either really good or some community theater rejects. This guy is definitely the latter.

Tasha ends up mouthing off to it and dies for her insolence.

Roll, stuntman, roll!

I.....die....!

Not even the other actors give a shit. "Oh, she's dead". Hahahahaha what in the fuck is on her face here? Sweet tattoo I guess:

After a "valiant" effort, she finally is pronounced dead. Like I said last post, good riddance.

Jesus Christ, I just read that the shitty actor who plays the goop monster died of AIDS too. His character is ridiculous, like an overgrown weirdo that you knew in high school with no friends. Even sounds like a mouthbreather. He is defeated by the unstoppable Patrick Stewart monologue. This episode is really an embarrassment all around, but, at the very least we got rid of Tasha. For some reason her funeral is on the Windows XP default background.

Symbiosis

2011-08-22T15:19:00.000-05:00

This episode starts out hilarious with the Enterprise trying to rescue some boners in a freighter that isn't working. They got some Cleetus type feller running the ship and his acting is pretty dang funny.

God damn that freighter that looks like a piece of shit. It blows up shortly after the Enterprise beams off some cargo and dudes. Two sets of dudes, one are space hillbillies and some space californians.

Turns out the hillbillies have fleas or something and the good looking people have the cure. Blondies were selling it to them and now they don't want to. Oh also they have weird super powers that let them shock grips or something. Still a little confused as to what that is about.

Except its not medicine! Its druuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugs. Seriously, look at this fuckin crackpipe:

It is pretty hilarious that the hillbillies are the ones with the drug problem and the other guys are the pushers. But then, oh noes, 80s anti-drug propaganda. Only Picard is like "I see no problem here" and wants to let them do their drug trading unabated. Which is sorta rad I guess.

"Why are drugs so awesome?"

The fucking drug speech by Tasha is so obnoxious it makes me glad that she dies shortly. This was apparently the last episode she filmed. Good riddance, trollop.

One of the hillbillies played Kirk's son in one of the movies. And then died of AIDS. And not ha-ha space AIDS but srs bsnss AIDS. So yea.

AIDS

This episode takes a turn for the creepy when you realize that one whole planet is full of drug dealers. Lady gives a really creepy smirk, like the smirk every banker fuck must have once he rips off 13 trillion dollars.

The Arsenal of Freedom

2011-08-19T12:25:00.001-05:00

God damn title sounds like a Toby Keith album. Or at least what Toby Keith calls his porno collection.

After the usual opening shot of the Enterprise cruising around, we learn that they are trying to hunt down a missing ship, the USS Drake. The Drake was a ship offered to Riker, but since he is kind of a pussy when it comes to taking his own ship for some reason he wasn't in command. Some boner named "Rice" was the captain so they are trying to see what the fudge happened.

The Drake disappeared around some planet that they call "The Arsenal of Freedom" which was run by weapons merchants (ohhhhh). Rather condescendingly, there is an automated message of one of the spectacularly jewy looking guy:

"oy vey!"

No life signs captain! Better send an away team! I smell a trap!

Oh shit, I knew I recognized that jew guy. It is Vincent Schiavelli - he played Buggy on one of my favorite movies of all time: Death to Smoochy. That movie is excellence, and I'm pretty sure I am the only dude on the planet who thinks so, so we'll just leave it at that.

Down on the planet, which is a jungle this time!, the away team is cruising and finding stuff like big guns and shit, when Riker spots the missing captain, lookin mad creepy:

guess they don't have any proactiv in the future

But wait! Doppleganger! He turns into some thing that looks like a boss from Secret of Evermore (lol) that cruises around and puts Riker in a electro-cocoon - spooky!

Then, like a dumbass, Picard decides to beam down himself! Silly goose! He leaves dang Geordi in charge again and almost immediately dies like 40 times. I thought we all knew beaming the captain down was a bad scene. These ain't the Kirk days anymore where he needs first dibs on the space trim.

robot ain't even close

So Picard and Crusher almost die, the whole away team is stuck on the planet, and dang ole Geordi is in charge when the Enterprise gets the rope-a-dope treatment.

"awww shiiiiiiiit"

oowwwww

Here we have yet another chief engineer (seriously why didn't they just cast somebody for this role?), who is totally not cool with having a black dude in command.

"seriously bro check out my awesomely styled pompadour"

Geordi puts this Orrin Hatch motherfucker in his place and sends him back down to engineering. But then sorta sucks at his plan and loses confidence in himself. He looks like he is about to cry here. GANGSTERS DON'T CRY, GEORDI.

sometimes they do :*(

He calls back this dickhead Logan who keeps shitting on Geordi even though he is doing now what he originally wanted. But Geordi once again pimp slaps him to command the saucer section. But then he has to listen to god damn Troi blab on about feelings and whatnot. What a useless lady.

So the Enterprise separates for the second time. Seems like they originally planned to do this a bunch of times in the show but it sort of dropped off as a plot device. I don't like the way the ship looks without the saucer section, so aesthetically at least, I'm fine with this. You hearing me, producers for Star Trek over 20 years ago?

Turns out the weapons planet dudes got killed by their own weapons because they were too stupid to figure out how to turn them off. But the Enterprise crew figures it out in like 8 minutes. There is a scene in the control room where Picard and Beverly are trapped and she is injured. Apparently, (I love memory-alpha for this shit) it was supposed to be a big scene establishing some rapport betwixt the two. But Roddenberry nixed the mood, probably because it wasn't filthy enough. Also, that set was infested with fleas when they were filming, which is funny to me.

Geordi manages to not destory the ship, but they never give his black ass command again.

Too Short a Season

2011-08-19T09:02:00.000-05:00

Well, god damnit. Skipped an episode. An obsessive superfan brought it to my attention, so I hope you can forgive this transgression. And you know, not hunt me down and slaughter me in my sleep you fuckin weirdo.

God, besides kids the only thing that creeps me out more is fuckin old people. And this one has maybe the oldest fucker in the history of time.

Some creepy old admiral is needed to negotiate with some hostage takers on some back woods hillbilly planet. Creepy old guy is the man for the job apparently since he did it 40 years ago.

just die already

All of a sudden this god damn geriatric starts walking around AND THEN HAS THE GALL TO TRY TO BANG HIS OLD LADY WIFE. ON THE TV. GROSS.

I'm gunna r you

So yea, turns out this is the plot of Benjamin Button. Old guy finds a way to age backwards. Hollywood bastards stealing from Star Trek. Except I never saw that movie so I don't know if Mr. Button tries to bang his gross old lady wife time and time again.

old people: srsly the worst

So Admiral Benjamin Button has been taking some alien reverse aging pills and is all pumped up to go rescue some hostages. But he took too much because he is a greedy little piggy. There is some neat costuming, makeup, and acting work going on. Pretty good by Trek standards.

where da tang at

Turns out "the negotiator" is full of shit about being a badass earlier and really just gave weapons to everybody the first time around. Since he sucked then, he is trying to make up for it by sucking now. He even manages to suck Picard into going on an away mission to some stinky old sewers.

I guess the whole point of this episode is that old people are stupid. The memory-alpha trivia from this episode is hysterical:

rest of the cast didn't like ze "Admiral"
the "wheelchair" was $10,000 and didn't even work
the phaser fight scene was shot in an old spaceballs set

By the end Adm. Button is like 12 and dying and the dude on the planet realizes the error of his ways and everybody lives happily ever after.

pew pew

Heart of Glory

2011-08-18T13:35:00.000-05:00

This episode starts off with some drama in the neutral zone, which in case you are not a loser piece of shit who wasted their youth on a tv show, is a boundary established between the Romulans and Federation where neither can fuck around in. So the Enterprise shows up and finds a floating space turd.

Life signs captain! Send an away team! Smells like a trap number one! Geordi is on the away team and has hooked up a transmitter to his VISOR, so they can finally tell that he is tripping balls 24/7.

whooooaaaaa

The floating space turd is a Tarellian cargo ship. Seems like they usually try to skimp on sets but this one is sorta rad.

Cool shot there too. Music is rad too, I am starting to be able to tell when Ron Jones is doing the music for an episode.

Turns out on the turd were some legit Klingons, not fake pussy Klingons like Worf. Poor Worf man, feel really bad for that guy. But, he is a pussy Klingon and knows it, and to his credit is trying to be a big tough badass like the rest of them for his whole life. Worf may be a klingina, but he is trying.

you ain't a real Klingon nigga

Regardless, Worf is super pumped to have some bros on board. At least he thinks they are gonna be bros, but they rag him hard. Klingons rule, total space hardasses. Check out this face one of them makes when Worf even brings up the possibility of "kindness".

nigga what

The dudes they got playing the Klingons in this episode are actually decent actors. The extras on this show are hit or miss but these are rad. Wikipedia tells me one of them is a Vaughn Armstrong, who plays twelve dudes in the Star Trek universe.

Turns out the Klingons from the turd are bad hombres and are wanted by the Klingon authorities even. They manage to build a fucking gun in their cell which also has a wide open window. You would think they would have some sort of frisking procedure or something when they throw people in the brig. Especially two fucking intergalactic killing machines that you know are criminals. But nah just let em sit down, sure they won't do anything.

Except they do, they escape and kill some guys and almost a kid. Good work, Enterprise security team! Anyways they end up dying by Worf's hand but at the end he decides to stay domesticated. THE END.