The work of Tracey Emin has long been a target of my ire. Nigh on everything she does is utter bullshit. The thing is, everyone in the UK knows this so why does she still get talked about, is allowed to be exhibited and gets commissioned for future work? Perhaps it’s because she is the only person left in Britain who can dick about making art while the rest of us bust a gut trying to negate continued government ineptitude. Anyway, back on topic here’s three examples of her work:

Yup. Proper shit. She likes her vag, we get it Tracey, you like your vag. It’s the kind of art that is perfect for Shit Art For Rich People. Everything she has ever done is universally awful and there is nothing redeeming in any of her works. It’s hard to even call it art; her technique is shocking, her installations are mundane and an eleven year old could best her.

So quite why she was allowed to create a portrait for the Queen will probably never be known. Here it is below, titled HRH Royal Britania:

Amazing. Will probably sell for tens of thousands. How is that even fair? I could shit out a better picture, fuck.

Moisha sat forlornly on the toilet seat and gazed down at his boxer shorts stretched apart by his knees. He noticed the seam was coming loose, no doubt due to the near atomic level of destruction his incessant flatulence had inflicted upon the poor cotton. He pondered whether the Ameican Israeli Public Affairs Committee could help. He sighed, he knew they couldn’t. These pants were destroyed.

Homeland finished last night and yet again it showed how American execs can mess up really strong story arcs when choosing to commission a second season. For the first few episodes everything worked really well, people enjoyed guessing the is-he-isn’t-he and the duplicity alongside the building of an imminent terrorist threat. Then it all started to fall away pretty quickly in the season finale.

So the plot went like this – Brody returns and is convinced to work with Tom Walker by Abu Nazir to take out the Vice President and his allies who bombed a whole bunch of children including Nazir’s son years ago. Great up to a point, except that at the climax the bomb vest malfunctions and he’s talked down by his daughter.

Everyone could see that once the daughter got on the phone the show had chosen to comprise and also felt rushed given the episode had bizarre day by day titles that needlessly informed us of the passage of time.

There were also glaring omissions in the narrative that failed to tie-up any of the loose strings. Who slipped that terrorist the razor blade? Who was the mole that told Walker the Saudi diplomat had turned informant? This may have been conveniently left by the wayside because having a mole in a spy drama is the most obvious mechanic available. Also, what was the point of the white Muslim woman? Initially they thought she was providing a vantage point to an airfield for Walker to set-up but actually she was…oh that’s it. Um. So that storyline was pointless.

Homeland really should have been a one season show. Brody gets into the closed room in an excellent diversion, detonates the bomb, the season closes with his video tape filmed at the top of the episode either buried by the CIA after being found by his daughter or is played on CNN/Fox.

A more interesting storyline would have been to have Issa not been Nazir’s son at all, made it all staged to convince Brody to turn, have that come out in the closed room and end with Brody choosing whether to believe the Vice President or not. Fade out, huge cliffhanger.

By having the vest malfunction we were left with nothing more than a set-up to season two. There was no need for Brody to shoot Walker at all – the two could been a bad-ass team in season two but now undoubtedly it’ll be a generic Brody tries to get close to influential people to expose their links to war atrocities. Couple this with the miraculous recovery of Carrie no longer blighted by her mania and you’re left with nothing more than 24 – which at least was willfully absurd.

Getting commissioned for season two ruined this show just like Prison Break which was building up to be a great show. In that show the crew was on its way out but then out of nowhere the writers installed a metal pipe that made the escape plan null and void. While this allowed the execs to spin out further episodes the subsequent escape and following seasons were all nonsense and critically panned.

Homeland fell foul of this too. It was a real shame as there won’t be any point tuning in for season 2.

I swore I wouldn’t return to the wreck that is ITV’s Titanic, but after a session on Dice’s broken Battlefield 3 and being late to Homeland, I thought why not. So this week, we’re with the shady man from the previous episode who we learn is a wanted criminal plus Annie and the Italian waiter are back.

This episode was a lot better than the previous episodes and pehaps the series could have worked if it wasn’t so hasty in trying to tell so many stories. But alas it wasn’t, and despite the criminal’s storyline playing out well, nothing much else did. Very pallid.

There was also a stupid continuity error when an Italian was forced into a cabin containing a lot of other Italians. The cabin was locked and they were left to drown, but at no point when the door was open did any of the trapped Italians try to escape. So while poignant and terrible that they were left to die, it made no sense.

breaking — writing this up while watching a Van Damme film and a bad guy just cut out a henchman’s liver —

Anyway during an ad break, Marks & Spencer decided to air an advert of such pure Aryan propaganda, the 3rd Reich would have been jealous. They are running with the title Summer to Remember, but it’s obviously rejigged from Rally to Remember. Next time you see it, just replace the British flags with Swastikas.

In chronological order we see:

White blonde girl smiling
White boy and grandad mowing the lawn
White blonde girl jumping
Three blonde white kids walking
White people in a picnic scene
Three white people in a boat (off to build a Dam no doubt)
White people in background
White man on a BBQ, in background two white men ‘liberate’ a tv
White blonde girl follows, looks at white boy (with ginger hair)
ALERT!! possible Chinese sighting, but it’s touch and go
Buffet picnic feast, i think there is a black woman in there
White blonde mum smiling, blonde white women in background
White blonde woman eats ersatz picnic food
Dog — white, black spots, brown ears
ALERT!! Black man in background
Picnic scene continues white blonde girls run with cake
White grandad has got the TV working, bunting everywhere
White girl smiling
White boy with Union Jack on face
White family smiling
ALERT!! A black boy literally plays football with Jamie Redknapp
He runs off like a pied piper, white kids and black boy follows
ALERT!! middle eastern boy running
White woman eating a strawberry
White blonde girl is a ball girl
Another white blonde girl is a ball girl
Jamie Redknapp (white) literally hits a tennis ball
ALERT!! Mixed race woman returns it
White women watch on
ALERT!! Black man questions whether the ball was in or out
Danniiiiii Minogue (white) runs in an egg and spoon race with white women and Myleene Klass (white/filipina)
Lots of white kids watch
White blonde girl picks flower
White blonde mum holds a piece of string
White man holds vegetables
White couple watch
And who else to finish off the advert than Hitler Youth Aryan picture-boy Gary Barlow to sing “Sun sun, sun, here it comes,” at a camp fire, but it might have just been, “Reich, Reich, Reich.”

I’m not saying anything except that it’s certainly a very specific take on what an idyllic British summer should be.

Right, it’s week two of ITV Titanic and coincidentally, the 148th consecutive week in which has ITV failed to entertain the nation. Last week was pretty poor start, but as with so much in life, the first time can be written off as the show simply finding its feet trying to live up to the hype. So with an open mind here is the minute by minute of episode two of the Television Event of 2012.

Hmmm, seems like that open mind might not last that long as I’ve just seen the synopsis from IMDB for this episode:

Jim Maloney is in charge of completing the electrics on the Titanic. He’s actually an engineer but being a Catholic in West Belfast, working as an installer is the best job he can get — #diddums. The work is falling behind schedule — #ClassicBritain — and he’s offered free passage on the ship’s maiden voyage, in steerage, for himself and his family if he can get the work completed on time. He accepts but finds a way to get a cabin in second class. John and Muriel Batley row after their tea with Lord and Lady Manton – Is that really worthy of mention? — After striking the iceberg, they reconcile and decide that their lives are worth fighting for.

Ummm… …. …. this is going to be a long hour.

20:55 Zomg, countdown T-5, off to make tea.

21:00 It’s go time! Come on Fellowes, even you can’t mess up poor people trapped and drowning, espeically if we get a child floating face down in the icy waters.

Previously on 24.…

Montage.… Cast list… the tension is palpable.…TITANIC

Welcome to Belfast, home of shouty people. Very shouty. Batman music plays in the background. Titanic is being made, the electrics are taking time to sort out. This type of detail was pleasantly lacking when Han Solo was trying to fix the Millenium Falcon and get out of Mos Eisley

We learn about Catholics in Belfast and the problems of Home Rule. Yay. Poor man wants out of Ireland as he isn’t looking forward to ninety years of sectarian hatred and strife.

Meanwhile in the cruiseliner’s offices the execs are having a chat about lifeboats. Guess what, they didn’t put enough in on purpose. I cannot believe they are having another chat about lifeboats.

Something about rivets (Rivets!) and cutting corners. The ship appears to be doomed.

21:05 Poor man is getting on that boat. He’s going to finish that wiring!

21:07: Poor man is convincing family to leave Ireland. He’s so very earnest. Wife backs hims and it’s going to be real sad watching them drown.

Ad break: Salmon Fishing in the Yemen… is this an April Fool’s?! I …. what? Girlfriend is trying to upload/edit a photo on Facebook… I think she’ll be here at 22:00. It really is indecipherable…

21:13 Mmm lovely CGI. Captain is having a reshuffle, rich people are having some serious political chat. Girlfriend is very distracting, it’s a good thing Zuckerberg isn’t in earshot.

21:15 Irish family are getting ready (to drown). She has four kids, one of them runs away. Man with absurd hair and moustache finds boy.

21:16 Servant girl from last week – Annie — states her role perfectly to Captain Birdseye’s colleague.

Girlfriend is now having issues with a Captcha… it’s just not her day, but least she won’t drown in 42 minutes.

21:18 Irish family is sneaked into 2nd class

21:18 Rich are moaning about Italians. No idea. Rich are discussing sleeping arrangements. Oh, the tension.

21:19 Earnest poor man is being earnest. He’s been rumbled, Wife ain’t happy that he stole the cabin. This is too much drama.

21:21 Annie is flirting with Italian waiter from last week.

21:22 Italian winks at rich girl from episode one. The Maitre D’ loses his rag.

21:23 Absurd hair man and Earnest poor man have a chat. Absurd hair is introduced to poor wife. She’s flipping out over nothing.

21:24 Italian waiter and Annie have a chat about their jobs. They flirt, they go upstairs with smiles on their faces. Looks like he’s going to go to town on her and she seems to want it.

21:26 Absurd hair and poor wife have a whisper moment.

21:26 Lawyer man and wife from last week go to church. Rich lady from episode one is upset at seeing lawyer wife. Rich dad is breaching all sorts of taboo’s by inviting lawyer and wife to tea. Rich lady is furious. And that’s the ad break.

It’s now 21:27 and as you can see, nothing has happened. It is literally dead and devoid of any energy. It’s not that it’s bad it’s that it’s so utterly forgettable. Nothing is working. The ensemble cast are simply surface level caricatures. Characters from Stacking have more about them.

Twitter is equally unforgiving:
‏@marksmith1973: #itvtitanic 19 minutes since last advert and 15 minutes since [sic] the end ffs

Hang in there Mark!

@LucieHewitson: Trying to make a statement on bygone class-divide but not actually saying anything interesting at all #bored

@PiefaceParky:I don’t think much of this new Titanic programme @ITV. Its rather boring compared to Downtown Abby, when is it going to get exciting? *yawn*

21:33 Lawyer wife has found out that Rich Man is a cad and has an illegitimate child. Lawyer husband is upset but realises that wife is upset about something more. He can’t have kids, he’s torn up. Wife is sad. They have a chat about life being hard. It’s quite touching.

21:36 The sailors have a chat about ice warnings and how they can’t find they can’t find the binoculars. I really hope this is based on fact and that is why the ship sank. I often can’t find my glasses. Shit happens when lenses that alter our perception of the world go missing.

The ship try to make up time. Less haste and all that.

21:40 Lawyer husband and Captain Birdseye share a moment on the deck. Lawyer is very upset and weeps. He is is so very sad. He’s crumbled… but wait, what’s that coming over the mountain?

ICEBRGGGGG

He stands agape.

21:42 And we’re off.

Captain Birdseye and his mate are watching the crew trying to avert the danger pumping and stoking.

Birdseye is dumbfounded and the water is everywhere. We learn that the all important 5th compartment has been breached and that’s that, Lvl 5 Doom.

Captain Birdseye: “She cant sink”

Matey: “She can’t float.”

They watch on. Resigned.

Ad break.

So those last 1.5 minutes were worthwhile. Girlfriend has resolved Facebook and Captcha problems, she’s now wondering how Twitter works.

21:48 We’re back and the water is up to F-Deck. Annie is trying to save Lawyer and wife. Lawyer husband gives Annie a life-jacket

Birdseye is catatonic and it’s all too much for him.

21:51 Poor are held back behind grates and then the guards get women and children out. God bless their humanity. They shut the gates, poor man and wife’s kids aren’t allowed out so Absurd Hair creates a diversion so they can get out. We don’t know why.

Annie’s hair is disheveled.. things are going down.

Sailor man reassures rich people. Annie is being very saintly and selfless

Protocol overruled as women from 2nd class are allowed to board the boats.

21:54 Save the children for God’s sake

21:55 Rich American is waiting it out. Mr. Andrews, the ship designer looks at a mantlepiece.

Up on deck, Laywer husband helps wife up from her despair and he’s wondering desperately how to help. Wife consoles a puppy. He apologies for everything. She is apologises too for being hysterical. He said he failed her. They resolve to be friends and die in peace.

Lawyer husband is having none of it and states they should go down fighting. I had hoped that the wife would tear the dog apart, they would smear the blood over their bodies and start a huge ruckus but also, they run off to find a boat.

Luckily they find one and try to set it as water appears on deck. He says I love you to the wife.

End.

So it seems that once all four episodes air, the last two minutes will resolve all stories. Certainly wasn’t the train wreck of week one but took about 40 minutes to do anything at all. Given the subject matter the series has to go down as a disappointment. And if you made it this far, apologies for the dullness, workman tools blah blah.

Twitter was mixed:

@abbie1D__: omg! just started propa full on beefing in that last 5mins of the titanic series on itv! was i the only one?

‏@BethanyLWalker_: That Titanic series on ITV is shiiiiiit

@ShivvyMariexx:Okay, literally sobbing at ITV’s Titanic.

‏@markbennett2011: Disappointed in this titanic series thing on itv. #ExpectedMore

@hannah_e_adams: watching #titanic on itv and its getting pretty deep for a Sunday night #emotional

@MrChrisAddison was all over it.

It’s been a way too long day running after clients and while I was hoping to blog about “The Television Event of 2012 — Fuck No” I’m just way too tired to take it seriously (or add pics atm). So in the same vein (vain, weather vane) as The Guardian’s Minute By Minute here is a tracked version of the first episode of Julian Fellowes’ trainwreck

Intro: Stirring music, montage, shoe buffing, poor people in a warehouse sneaking a pic at the doomed vessel

01:34 It’s a prison, poor people talk to a middle class woman. papa comes, guard goes “blah blah rich lady can leave, why not others.”

her dad shoos the guard off.

02:15 oh, lady is a suffragette…that means she’s got opinions. papa and guard face off.

02:45 EXPOSITION EXPLOSION

“But there are davits for 32 lifeboats, why haven’t we used
them.”

Fellowes, honestly, 02:45 and like Peter Griffin I’m done.

“The law blah blah exposition blah.…”

03:20 rich men chat, nothing happens, it’s a slow burn…
wait!!!

03:45 EDUCATIONAL FACT

“I heard JP Morgan might not be fit enough to travel”

Awful writing, but here’s the JP Morgan Jesuit conspiracy, which is suitably off the wall.

04:00 Montage, piano, people preparing for voyage, woodwind, we’re on a train… posh girl has more ideas, papa is disparaging. a lawyer rocks up, intros abound… shit is bubbling along nicely, lawyer needs to take papers to New York and, oh…

05:05 We learn the route of the Titanic — it didn’t stop in Ireland.…

Lawyer wife upset with lawyer, papa’s wife is Irish, there is a church service on Sunday… oh .…

“We shouldn’t linger, we don’t have 1st class tickets and the guard will think we’re stowaways”

Fuck off Fellowes, just… fuck off.

Papa feels bad, invites them for tea. Wife says it’s not allowed, obvs cos lawyer is not gentry, but hunch says Anglo Irish relations at a low point, maybe Irish lawyer canne mix… but who cares, this show is just getting started, ship ship ship ahoy!

06:00 more montage and staring at Titanic, i wonder how big it is compared to modern day.

06:45 Right people are on the ship… poor man bumps into girl, “cru?” She gives directions and then

EXPOSITION EXPLOSION

“Next time don’t use these stares”

Yak yak yak

07:15 Cru are getting settled. the poor are very dirty and angry and shouty.

08:10 We’re off, first class is nice.

08:26 More Irish chat, rich family are snooty, oh hang on a god damn minute

EXPOSITION EXPLOSION

rich girl, “I’m off to get changed”

papa and momma “It’s not the done thing to get changed on the first night”

Fellowes, show don’t tell you lazy fuck.

rich girl gets bolshy, she’s not into the done thing. she’s feisty, thanks Fellowes, we need this light touch hurricane force 5 bullshit shoved down our throats like foie gras geese.

09:20 Servants are going through their roles, it’s turgid stuff. Someone said valet with the t pronounced, that was interesting i guess.

Some shit about English Scottish .…

Some more shit about first class servants and shit. Who cares, they are all dead in about 35 minutes

11:00 We’re with the richies, intros for the first dinner of the voyage.

11:00 ITV player stutters, I contemplate quitting this inane blog post, I reload… Homebase advert, lack of exposition is refreshing… Colgate advert, educational — unbeatable protection.… Aviva have tagged their name onto this shambles.

11:45 Rich are chatting. strings are playing, people are eating food. Rich boy cites Francis Bacon, rich girl yaps something smart back. Parents comment.

12:45 Captain Birdseye absolutely loses his shit when an Italian serves him some food. the bare faced cheek, I sense another helping of Fellowes finest exposition crumble served with extra shit writing chaser.…

13:15 Italian waiter thanked by rich girl.…these two dying together? he saves her? either way, it’s gonna be bullshit.

13:45 servants play piggy in the middle with a diary.… call the care police. a page gets torn, there are tears, everyone feels bad. JESUS CHRIST THAT IS THE CLIFFHANGER FOR THE AD
BREAK. fuck no :@:@:@:@

Ads: Closer, Mercedes — no naval theme here, opportunity missed… or mist if there were sirens and the river Styx but no… more Colgate, she doesn’t have sensitive teeth, nor he. Meatballs…

14:50 We’re back in, string quartet. They know all the waltzes don’t you know. rich girl gets asked to dance by an American He has a retarded hairdo, like a 1920’s cha cha girl.… ITV player is on its last legs… we’re back… rich girl is playing hard to get. the American is persistent and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

16:20 rich girl likes bad boys

16:30 rich people have rich people chat

madame ovarrrr is pissed off… me too madame, me too

17:15 music is slamming…

18:15 Rich mum shuts another rich woman down for being nouveau riche.… Fresh Prince of Bel Air is on in the background, Carlton and his moustache are making a mess of things.

18:35 poor girl is trying to turn down the bed.

19:00 lawyer man and wife laying down the back chat… more Anglo Irish bunkum meanwhile poor girl is crying about her book…

20:00 rich mum is fed up, rich dad is.… oh who cares… wait we’re back with the poor

20:50 poor people chat… Italian brothers, dead in 15 mins, yap about bosses.…

22:00 rich people dance more… the will to continue is seeping away.…

22:45 rich man is off to second class.

23:15 rich mum is upset with madame ovarrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. she’ll probably live

24:00 lawyer family piss off the rich mum with their presence. madame ovarrrrrrrrr’s hubby is incandescent with the rich man

24:45 more Anglo Irish bullshit, the mood is tense, they make civilities.

26:00 rich girl and American strolling on deck, where is that iceberg. rich mum is choosing jewellery. she’s deffo living.

AD break: Lloyds think people have 10,000 GBP for an ISA… lolz, Colgate is back — still no one has bacteria, amazing protection. The Meerkats and some water filter… i think everyone has tuned out.

27:30 There is 18 minutes left of this shit. Rich girl and American are talking. My GF is drying her hair so I can’t tell what they are saying but it doesn’t matter, the stolen glances, the disapproving mother in the background is all you need to know. They’re probably bonding over young people’s thoughts.… oh they’re now kissing…

30:00 Where the fuck is the iceberg

30:15 rich mum is on the jewellery again, other richies are playing cards… say what you see, there is nothing deeper than surface level here.…

31:00 Whoop whoop iceberg is here, Italian boy watched the water seeping in. Lawyer has seen it. Shit is going down now. Strings are anxious. Captain Birdseye is harumping along. rich man is worried, told about the iceberg, told to get the women upon deck.

34:00 people are panicking, looks like the poor are going to be sacrificial lambs — remember Jesus and God have a divine plan and they wanted all the poor to die. lawyer wife loses it to the rich wife, she lets it be known that rich man is a cheat…

Ad break: Lloyds still think we have 10,000 to invest… Aero mint, they rock. Homebase reminding me to sort out my house.

35:25 Poor people are being locked downstairs… uh oh Irish poor mum and dad in trouble.

36:00 Lifeboats are half full

37:00 They’re full.… oh, they’re not full but they are in the water

38:00 Who is standing up for the white man? not that guard… he won’t let a man on the lifeboat… #brutal

The string quartet are still playing, bless their martyrrrrrr souls.

Rich wife won’t get on the boat with a ‘drunken prostitute’ cos she has class… fingers crossed on imminent death.

40:00 Men are being circumspect. American boy and girl are parting.… oh sweet jesus. rich man has rumbled the lack of lifeboats and the duck&cover escape plan

42:07 Titanic is doomed! Surprising lack of gushing water. Rich old American wants his servant to sit and have a drink. American boy is trying to get girl away. rich mum is deranged, confesses she knows about the affairs. rich mum is sticking with rich man. rich girl is on a boat. rich man tells her to live, just live.. like Frankenstein… and that’s it.…

Next time on Titanic preview rolls (poor people die next time)

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST FUCK. Fellowes I pray to god that you have signed your own death warrant with this hopeless pile of shite. No one wants to watch this regressive failure of a show. the reviews were terrible, ratings sure to drop next week… if this was a US show they would pull it immediately.

I don’t get this advert. Are they saying that SMA is the next best form of milk? I mean that’s some claim and frankly if SMA is the next best and Kate is the best then why haven’t they kidnapped Kate and made her make milk for the nation?!

Maaaannnnn I got nothing on these guys >_< they’re superstars!

Justin Timberlake
Kelly Rowland
Paris Hilton
Lleyton Hewitt
Josh Groban
David Anders — best British accent ever
Young Buck
Kolo Toure
Jessica Alba
Craig David
Anna Kournikova
Natalie Portman
Adriana Lima
Chris Evans — Cap’n America
Fernando Alonso
Djibril Cissé
Rachel Bilson
Elijah Wood
Roger Federer
Beyoncé Knowles
Jennifer Hudson
Serena Williams
Zlatan Ibrahimovic
Akon
Xabi Alonso
Britney Spears

Hi Steven,

Can you please stop directing films that have German soldiers in them. It is a problem with the baby boomer generation but anyone born post 1960 just doesn’t care about them. You on the other hand, appear to have a bizarre fascination, some might say a fetish with our grey uniformed Deutsche chums.

Here is your filmography and evidence of the amount of panzer based nonsense you’ve inflicted upon us all. Maybe you just like their motorbike sidecars and the helmets, I don’t know, but for your remaining years, could you please move on.

Please also avoid aliens as well.

Duel — big truck chases a man (allegory for das boot vs the allied solider)
Something Evil — some demon nonsense
The Sugarland Express — US based thriller
Jaws — German made shark terrorises local community
Close Encounters of the Third Kind — aliens with theme tune
1941 — have a guess what this refers to.. yup… Zee Germans!
Raiders of the Lost Ark — Nazis abound
E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial — Elliot harbours Ann Frank from Nazis on Halloween
Twilight Zone: The Movie — sci-fi thriller
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom — Nazis are back with shriveled faces
The Color Purple — Whoopi!
Empire of the Sun — WWII with Japanese instead of Nazis — subtle
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - MORE NAZIS
Always — “comedy“
Hook — more comedy
Jurassic Park — British / Americans colonise island, Nazi dinos fight back
Schindler’s List — serious Nazi Nazi film, with Nazis
Amistad — Matthew McConaughey begins annoying movie goes worldwide
The Lost World: Jurassic Park — Nazi dinos stage full scale US invasion
Saving Private Ryan — More Nazis attack
A.I. Artificial Intelligence — swear the ending needed more Nazis
Catch Me If You Can — lol
Minority Report — totalitarian police state, much like another European state I once knew
The Terminal — “comedy“
War of the Worlds — stupid flu-ridden (Nazi) aliens stage invasion of US
Munich — WWII guerrilla spy drama set 30 years after WWII
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull — ZEE NAZIS ARE BACK!!!
War Horse — German soldiers abound, prequel to your many other Nazis films

So 10/28 films are about Nazis… it’s 2012.… it’s been 67 years… one year older than you Steven. Let’s leave it now. I beg you. War Horse was by the numbers drivel, and we all know you only took the chance so you could get your German soldier fix. Why not join a reenactment group, live the past instead of inflicting it upon us time and time again.

Tschüss

And lo’ ITV has decided that what the people want is more period drama bollocks. Not content with Downton Abbey and its incredible propensity for exposition [“Oh golly, I can’t be upstairs, I’m a servant and I can’t be on this floor. — Yes, you better get back down before his Lordship finds out.”] they have commissioned an utter utter by the numbers pile of wank in Titanic, something they claim is:

Scripted by Julian Fellowes the ‘esteemed’ writer behind equally expositiontastic Gosford Park, Titanic tells the story we’ve all heard 34892734 times. Many destroyed James Macaroon’s version — but Captain, I’ve counted the lifeboats and there don’t seem to be enough — but at least it put to bed any need to tell it again.

The problem with the trailer is that it tells the entire story and negates the need for watching the tripe when it goes live to rapturous applause and inevitable Twitter trending greatness. NB: All pictures have been annotated as the source material is incredibly complex.

First up, he’s the arrogant ship pilot:

Then, the inevitable unlikeable rich:

Obviously, taking a leaf out of DiCappuccino’s poor character, here’s this show’s poor man:

Unfortunately, exposition storms back with the girl he bumps into informing him not to use those stairs again. You can guarandamntee that at least 80% of the Television Event of 2012 will be spent explaining the rather fucking obvious class structure of the time. But in case it isn’t abundantly clear here are some photos of rich people not respecting the women&children classic, poor trapped like cattle and a military man losing his shit.

Why would ITV waste the money on this toilet? There are so many scripts out there, but ITV somehow always get it wrong. Get ready for April when everyone dies on a ship hit by an iceberg. Taking bets on the final shot being a slow pan out of the bodies in the water with a cowbell intermittently ringing alongside a slow piano.


ITV; refusing to break the mold for decades on end. Catch the trailer here