Jobless Dave

November 6, 1984: A CEO is Born

2011-08-19T06:40:00.001-07:00

At 10 pounds and 11 ounces (half of which being reproductive organs), Ron and Pam gave birth to King David Paul Caron. Their prodigal genius baby would prove to be not only their handsomest creation but also their most beloved. Success would come natural for me. Even before I was conceived I started out in the mail room of my father's Vas Deferenes only to experience my meteoric rise to "CEO" of the egg in mere seconds. It wasn't long before I mastered all instruments, sports and the real time strategy game, Starcraft 2. After becoming bored and restless I was looking for a new challenge and it wasn't long before I found it. My destitute family came begging to me on their hands and knees one day, pleading for me to turn their business from a meager craft to a successful international enterprise. Being the generous and compassionate soul that I am, I reluctantly accepted to lead them to greatness. After several hours of hard work, the transformation under my great leadership and guidance was complete. Eternally grateful and indebted to me, my family bestowed the title messianic super hero CEO to which I shortened to CEO as I am nothing if not humble and modest.http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

David Caron,

messianic super hero CEO of Olive Authentique

You can see their new website here

Jobless dave strikes back

2011-03-24T13:56:00.000-07:00

"Hey dood. How come you don't do jobless dave anymore? We want moar!"

I've heard this at least twice now.
So what exactly happened? I'll tell you what happened.
Being jobless stopped being fun. It stopped being funny.
Hard to come up with hilarious jokes when you're wiping your poverty tears with kraft dinner coupons.
Ok it's not that bad, I'm being dramatic. I just haven't figured out what I want to do when I grow up.
Ok fine I'll be beard mentor.

Looking for a beard mentor
I've had a moustache and beard off and on over the years, and I've tried styling it in the past but I just can't seem to get it to the next level. I'm looking for some srs protips with this, as well as possibly some styling services by someone with skilled hands. Please submit to me your beard/moustache resume. Also if you have pictures of you achievements that would be greatly appreciated.

Dear beard enthusiast,
Guess what? I was born bearded. For a nominal fee I can guide your beard.
I will teach you what it takes to have an awesome beard. Just make sure you don't have unusually sensitive hands because strangers will want to high-five you like a million times a day. Your beard will be so sick it will make ZZ top look like a bunch of prepubescent boys. According to wikipedia, "men with facial hair have been ascribed various attributes such as wisdom and knowledge, sexual virility, masculinity, or high social status; and, conversely, filthiness, crudeness, or an eccentric disposition." Ya that's right. With my help you'll be a wise, filthy ass, eccentric sex man.
You'll be able to use your beard to:
-Pick up ladies
-make hipsters envious
-be mistaken for a convicted sex offender or public masterbater.
please see my pictures included

(I swear your honor, I thought she was 14!)

(This beard picks up ladies independently of me)

Pizza Plumber

2010-09-23T08:18:00.000-07:00

Hey guys,
I'm still looking for work. It's been rough out there. It's gotten to the point where I'm working for food. I hope to have some luck with this next gig,

Plumb for Exposure and a Free Meal!
I'm just getting started in my new home and I'm looking for plumbers to come in for 1 to 2 hours a night to get exposure for your plumbing and a frozen pizza. The old owners used to go for galvanized, but I'm thinking my fixtures might like some copper or PEX. This is a great opportunity to show off your plumbing skills to everyone who ever craps at my house.

I don't have any materials here, so be sure to bring your own pipes, tools and whatever else you need to really plumb your best.

If your first night goes well, you'll be considered for some paying plumbing in the future. Unless my calendar is already full of plumbers willing to work for free.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Sir,
It is with great enthusiasm that I wish to apply for the position of plumber.
I must warn you that I don't have any formal training in plumbing per se. That being said - I think you'll find I'm the ideal candidate.

When I was a kid I built (to my parent's horror) an outhouse in my backyard. My friends described my workmanship as "a delightful dumping experience". It was only after years of neglect and a particularly rainy spring that the outhouse overflowed, ruining my father's prized asparagus garden.

As a young man I hooked up both my grandmother's septic system and configured her glass walk in shower. It was no fault of my own that when the septic system backed up that she had the most horrific shower of her life.

(a very unfortunate mud bath)

For a while my girlfriend was complaining about a leak in the kitchen sink. I rectified the situation by drinking less. I haven't had a leak in my sink for quite some time now.

After a few missteps I wish to improve my skills and get the recognition I deserve. It is a dream of mine for people to recognize me as the Pablo Picasso of plumbing.
My favorite pizza is cheese.
warm regards,
Jobless Dave

I am a Teleportation Scientist.

2010-09-10T09:48:00.000-07:00

I came across a great business opportunity today! Awesome!

We are a small group of very well qualified businessmen who have a complete business plan that aims to yield investors, and partners, 1,000% returns within only a five year period. We have all the pieces in place, including CEO, marketing, and finance management. The only missing piece is YOU! We are looking for a very motivated, team-oriented scientist who has experience in teleportation research and/or technology. We will provide patent funding and small stipend. Once technology prototype is developed, the business will take off running- or teleporting! Significant equity will be provided as payment. Send a resume and any other information that may set you apart from other teleportation scientists. Can't wait for you to join our team.

Dear sir or madam,
It is with great enthusiasm that I wish to apply for the position of teleportation scientist. While I don't posses any formal scientific education or training, I do have a pretty impressive list of patents and inventions.

As a teenager I invented the world's first edible cellphone.
A few years later I successfully created a black person detector. This was met with some controversy.
I invented an elixir that would make trees gay for a few minutes.
While working for the military I came up with the concept for a pedophile grenade.
I was one of the scientists working on the Hadron collider. While I never found the "God particle", I did find a "Fred particle".
On a quest to turn garbage into gold I accidentally created a device that turned gold into french fries.
I also divided a worm's soul into 2.

In addition to my impressive inventions and accomplishments I also have my own lab coat and goggles. I very much look forward to teleporting things asap. I'm currently working on teleporting my ex girl friend and her stupid new boyfriend to Titan, one of Jupiter's moons. I can start on Monday.
Warm Regards,
Jobless Dave

Thanks for reading and don't forget to join the jobless dave facebook page.
If I somehow get 100 fans I'll totally eat a spider or something.

A Guinea Pig Physics Fail

2010-09-02T09:47:00.000-07:00

Last week I applied for the position of guinea pig sitter. I successfully landed the job. Here's the ad I responded to.

I'm seeking a babysitter for my pet guinea pig.
Newton is a 4-year-old male whose hobbies include blank staring and squawking when he runs out of carrots. Although he wrote the fundamental laws of physics in his younger years, he now prefers eating carpet to advancing the understanding of natural phenomena.

In spite of his catatonic stupor, Newton is super cute. Just look at this bitch:

You know you want to pet him.

I'll pay you $75 to take care of his dumb ass for two weeks, and all you have to do is keep him warm, clean, and well-fed.

Dear Sir,
Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to babysit Newton. It's been a real pleasure. As you know I possess extensive experience with a variety of rodents. I've even been referred to as a pig whisperer on at least 2 occasions. I just wanted to drop you a line and provide you with an update on Newton - he's dead. Newton got free from his cage and plummeted to his death. I can only speculate but I believe Newton was trying to verify his first rule -

Every object in a state of uniform motion tends
to remain in that state of motion unless an external
force is applied to it.

In this particular example Newton was the object in a state of motion. He remained that way until an external force (in this case my ceramic floor) was applied to Newton.
At least we know he died doing what he loved.
Death by inertia - both sad and ironic. You'll be pleased to know that otherwise his stay was very enjoyable. I fed him only organic carrots. Given that Newton survived half of his tenure at my place I would feel bad accepting the full 75$. I'll will instead settle for half of the amount.
-Jobless Dave

Sorry Kids but Skittles is dead.

2010-08-23T05:57:00.000-07:00

You get the idea by now - Here's today's job application:

My deceased aunt gave my two kids a Cocker Spaniel a few months back. The dog has been a terror and become overwhelming for me. I am a single father raising two young children. I cannot face telling the kids that the dog must go. I have found a good home for the dog, and just need someone to transport the dog, and play the villain.

Premise: You will be the dog walker hired by daddy (me) to walk Skittles. I will introduce you to the kids, and you will tell them you are going to help Skittles get her exercise when Daddy is too busy to walk her. At that point you will walk Skittles to your car and take her to her new family 20 minutes from my place. Then return holding just a leash. The story will be that Skittles broke free of the leash and took off. At this point prepare for crying, things being thrown at you, and possibly cursing. My kids are young and dramatic... they're girls.

Pay will be $500. The job will take roughly 2 hours at best.

This job is ideal for an actor looking to diversify their role base, or someone who genuinely likes to make children cry. Acting experience is a plus, but not necessary. Please inform me of any prior experience in this kind of situation.

Dear Sir,
It is with great enthusiasm that I wish to apply for the position of dog loser.
I am a fantastic actor and I gain great pleasure from making children cry. Just Last week my friend had to put his 14 year old cat pancakes to sleep. It was my job to concoct a story for his children. I told his 2 daughters that pancakes spontaneously combusted because he didn't eat his vegetables. His daughters cried hysterically for quite some time but now they eat their damn broccoli.

When my girlfriend's beloved poodle pooped on the rug one too many times I granted him liberty by setting him "free" downtown. (pickles was slightly too fat to be flushed down the toilet - believe me I tried). I explained to my girlfriend that pickles promptly expired after simultaneously eating my girlfriend's tofu casserole and barking loudly while I was watching hockey.
Not only do I no longer have to take pickles out for walks anymore but my girlfriend hasn't made a vegetarian meal or asked me to do chores while I'm enjoying the game anymore.
Thank you for your consideration,
-Jobless Dave

Kung Fu Taxidermy. Yes you read that correctly.

2010-08-12T18:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Craigslist,
Thank you.
-Jobless Dave

Wanted: Taxidermist who watches a lot of Kung Fu
I am looking to hire someone with the means to obtain and stuff animals in fashions I choose, which will be Kung Fu for now. When I was younger I convinced a friend of mines dad to create two squirrels Kung Fu fighting. I still think about it from time to time and have decided to get my own Kung Fu animals, I understand this is a bizarre request. Serious inquiries only, please E-Mail me the species of animals you commonly hunt or can obtain and your rate for taxidermy of each in various Kung Fu poses. Mounting preferred. Once again I feel I must state this is serious. If you can show any of your previous work it will probably give you an edge on the competition. Please respond via/e-mail. Thank you.

Dear Sir or Madam,
This is amazing. There are 2 things in this world that I excel at - Taxidermy and martial arts. Finally I can combine these two passions of mine. Just imagine the possibilities. I love your idea of Kung fu squirrels, but why stop there?
visualize these babies of epicness!
- a menacing bass performing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu
- a sinister goose engaged in a fierce Taekwondo stance
- a blood thirsty badger performing Aikido
- and finally a malevolent Muay Thai monkey
Shit this is so awesome.
I've attached my first work of art: A mother @$^%ing bear doing Karate!!! AMAZING!!!!

BLACK BELT BEAR IS ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!

I also have a collection of bugs that I carefully place in various yoga positions.
Thank you for your consideration,
-Jobless Dave

Poultry Transportation

2010-08-05T10:47:00.000-07:00

Today while checking out Craigslist for employment opportunities I stumbled upon this wonderful ad. I think I can help this guy out....

i need help moving my chickens
I have approximately 1,243 chickens that need to be transported, i began my journey with my mini van but just was not working out, too many trips and too much shit and feathers, and with no ac it makes it very difficult when constantly tempted to roll the windows down, and because doing it all by hand i have lost 1 out of 4 chickens with my first 3 trips. if you have reasonable transportation for this chicken operation plz let me know. thank you.

-Matt

Hi Matt,
Growing up in a rural setting I've become quite familiar with transporting various types of poultry. Last Thanksgiving I took 6 turkeys to the butcher. I told them we were going on a road trip to Disneyland. We all hopped in my convertible, put some sunscreen on, filled the cooler with some beer and off we went. We made a really fun play list on my ipod too. We even made t-shirts to commemorate the event. The key is to lie to them. If they get wind that they're being brought to the butcher, they become frantic and restless and they no longer want to go. My turkeys were none too pleased when we arrived at the butcher instead of Disneyland.
Unfortunately I have a smart car. The trunk is surprisingly spacious but I think we would have to go another route. I think we should rent an ice cream truck. It would solve the issue of overheating and we could tell the chickens that we're going to the ice cream factory. If there's one thing I know it's that chickens really love ice cream.
Best regards,
Jobless Dave

vasectomy charity

2010-07-10T06:33:00.000-07:00

Need a volunteer to give me a vasectomy

After having no success getting a job I thought I would use my time to give back to the community and perform a little charity work. After searching craigslist for a bit I saw a fellow man in need.
--------------------------
Well, I do have health insurance, believe it or not. But it's useless to pay for a vasectomy, since I'm only 24. I've wanted one since I was 16. I have one kid already and don't ever want another (though I love the one I have, of course). Anyway, my doctor said it would be impossible until I'm 30 or have 4 kids. I'm hoping I don't have 4 kids before turning 30, but accidents happen.

Would you like to stop accidents? Perhaps you are Christian and you hate abortion more than anything. Well, I guarantee you will prevent more than one abortion by snipping my vas. Perhaps you're a liberal and you hate seeing kids grow up in poverty. You get the drift.

Yes, this is a serious post. Please reply only if you have experience doing vasectomies, and you are willing to do one "pro-bono".

P.S. I called Planned Parenthood already. They want $500.

Dear Sir,
Today you are very fortunate. It would be my pleasure to help you out and perform a vasectomy on you. While I don't have any vasectomy experience per se, I've read a Wikipedia article on it and it seems pretty straight forward. There's this string like thing I cut and then boom - no more babies - almost like diffusing a bomb...Just cut the red wire. I've also been practicing on some animals. I know animal lovers don't like the idea of me performing recreational surgery on animals so I came up with a creative solution. Last weekend I came across a dead squirrel. I performed a vasectomy on it and the squirrel has not reproduced since. I also performed a vasectomy on a bee. The bee died but I believe it had a preexisting condition. Last week my best friend came over for a few beers. When he fell asleep I tried to perform a surprise vasectomy on him but he woke up. He was really mad but I think he was over reacting.
I don't posses any sterilized instruments so you might want to supply your own. Otherwise I just bought these really neat purple safety scissors that I could probably just throw in the dishwasher for a few minutes. I can't imagine it will take long. I'll snip and sew you up (I earned my sewing merit badge when I was a boyscout). If you would like you can take home the removed section. I know a guy who put it in a fruit dehydrator and gave it to his dog. Don't worry about the money, I don't charge anything I just take tips.

I will Kiss you for money

2010-06-28T07:00:00.000-07:00

I finally have a bit of time to write! I've been super busy working that I haven't been able to blog about being jobless. Thank you for patiently waiting for the triumphant return of jobless dave.
Today I'm going to apply for the position of Asian kisser. Found this ad on Craigslist and though it needed some attention.

I need a guy to teach me how to kiss. Ideally, it shouldn't last longer than five minutes, seeing as how most guys creep me the fuck out. I'll give you five dollars, so it'll be like earning a dollar a minute. Think about it, there's a recession going on. Who wouldn't want five dollars in times like these? If money doesn't appeal to you, I'd be more than happy to do your homework for you (I'm Asian).

I prefer a guy who doesn't have bad breath, open sores, or a mental disorder. Also, it'd be nice if you're not a geriatric (30+ yrs) or jailbait (-18 yrs)
-----------------------------------------
Dear madam,
It is with great enthusiasm that I wish to apply for the position of kissing instructor. As a handsome man I have plenty experience with kissing. I will be happy to share my experiences with you and tell you what worked and what didn't work. For example, I blew my chance in grade 7 with Stacey Murray because I made the rookie mistake of kissing her after I ate the better part of a box of Oreo cookies. I didn't get my next kissing opportunity until College. This was another disaster. After enjoying some sushi I met Angela at a friend's house. We immediately fell in love. We finally kissed and it was amazing. Unfortunately she was allergic to fish and she promptly died. The funeral was highly embarrassing for me.
You'll be happy to know that I fill your requirements. I've once been told that my breath smells like delightful summer breeze passing through an onion.
Warm Regards,
Jobless Dave

(Sea) Monkey Business

2010-06-15T07:15:00.000-07:00

So I found this wonderful craiglist ad today and it put a big smile on my face. It made me feel a little bit nostalgic. It took me back to when I was a kid and thought I could breed actual monkeys from the sea and not just some shitty ass microscopic brine shrimps of disappointment. Shrimps that are only marginally cooler then germs and far easier to dry up and die then germs.
------------------
Please rescue my son's Sea Monkeys.

The Sea Monkeys were a well-intentioned gift from a relative, but my son has poor vision and can't see them at all, so they've become Mommy's problem. We are moving and I have no idea how to transport them. So, they would love a new owner. They come with their tank, food and food scooping spoon, and a little syringe and keychain thing in case someone wanted to suck Sea Monkeys out of the tank and carry them around for some reason.
They would be a great dorm pet as they don't take up any space. Really, they would be a good pet for anyone. I'm not picky, I don't think they are either.

I realize that people feed Sea Monkeys to fish and such, and I have no problem with that, but I'm not interested in giving these creatures away for that purpose simply because it seems like a waste of all the plastic crap that comes with them. So please only take them if you actually want to keep them.

Thank you!
-----------------------------
Dear madam,
What incredible luck that our paths have crossed on the internet for I am a certified, pure bred sea monkey breeder (and contrary to a few very false and unproven allegations, I do not own and operate a sea monkey mill.) Most of my clients purchase my pure bred sea monkeys for pets, although, I do sell to a few all-you-can Chinese buffets (who are delighted by the fact that my monkeys are both organic and free range). Should you wish to sell me your sea monkeys, I shall personally neuter them as well as administer the appropriate vaccinations and then provide a loving, nurturing and caring environment for them. I'm also in the midst of setting up a training school for sea monkeys. I've successfully trained 7 sea monkeys to swim aimlessly on demand - pretty impressive, I know. Please notify me if your sea monkeys display any behavioral problems. I've had issues in the past where I've adopted sea monkeys that are excessively loud or have demonstrated aggressive behavior.
Warm regards,
Jobless Dave

Knocked out

2010-06-10T09:23:00.000-07:00

Today I'm doing story time with Jobless Dave
It's a bit of a departure from what I normally do but I think you'll find it amusing - at least I hope so.
I have to dedicate this one to Dean, Rod and Paolo.
Enjoy

Classical Ass

2010-06-09T08:20:00.000-07:00

Who knew finding a job would be so hard? I've applied for all kinds of jobs but haven't had received a job offer yet. Oh well, I'm not ready to give up just yet. I've stumbled across another craigslist ad today and I think it has some potential.

Casting muscle guys who could flex each peck individually

SEEKING MALE BODY BUILDERS FOR AN OLG TV COMMERCIAL

We are casting body builders for a fun O.L.G TV commercial

If you or you know of anyone who fits the following description, please contact us ASAP:

* Male Body builders, 20 - 40 yrs

* All ethnicities, facial hair and heights are welcome

* Must be able to move each peck individually in time to a mozart classical piece 'Pequeña Serenata Nocturna'

------------------------------------------------

Dear sir/madam,
It is with great enthusiasm that I wish to apply for the position of professional classical music peck flexer. I don't think that you will be able to find a more suitable candidate than me. Ever since I was a young man I would flex my muscles to the great classics. At age 12 I mastered the ability to flex my buttocks to Mozart's Ave Maria - something beautiful and stirring to behold. As I entered puberty, I performed kegels to Beethoven's 9th symphony. Ode to Joy indeed. I may be tall, lanky, pale and have considerable body hair but my pecks can be your sexy, sexy metronomes of power.
Warm Regards,
Jobless Dave

That's all for now kids! Also I put up a new stimulating poll. Vote early and vote often!

Child Entertainer

2010-06-07T08:55:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to thank everyone for taking the time to check out my blog. The response has been awesome. I've also bought the domain joblessdave.com today to make it easier for people to find me. Be sure to add yourself as a follower as well as join the facebook page if you haven't already.
Time for today's post, this time with 82% more pedophelia! yay! 'cause jobless dave likes his kids like his scotch - 7 years old and mixed with up with coke!

$15/hr Weekend Face Painters, Balloon Makers/Benders - weekends mainly
Do you like putting smiles on kids faces? Are you a face painter or balloon artist/twister/clown? Can you do some amateur magic?

We're looking for people who are seriously intent on making this world a happier place --- literally! Although the pay isn't the highest for this permanent, part-time job, you will usually be fed well by hosts, and have a great time always.
Owning a mode of transportation a must!

-------------------------------------------------------

To whom this may concern,
I would like to take this opportunity to apply for position of child entertainer. Until recently I worked in the field of adult entertainer, specifically as a male prostitute. For $50.00 and some weed I would put a smile on a businessman's face. Occasionally I would dress up as a clown for my clients and perform some tricks. Working with children has always been a fantasy..err..dream of mine. Due to some legal issues I would have to perform for them from distance of no less then 50 feet (maybe we can give them binoculars?). I can perform all kinds of magic. I've successfully made 4 children disappear last year. Children naturally seem to like and trust me. Whenever I ask them to help me find my lost dog or offer them some free candy they are seldom hesitant to accept. Transportation won't be an issue as I possess my own van.
If you have any questions don't be shy.
Warm Regards,
Jobless Dave

pretty fly for a white gynecologist

2010-06-04T08:23:00.000-07:00

I started my new job at 1-800-got-junk yesterday. Good team of guys they have over there. It's nice to be making a few bucks again as well as get back into shape. I seem to have a natural talent for throwing away garbage. Not to worry though friends, I'm still actively looking for more work. Once again I came across an ad on craigslist that shows potential. I'm hoping this one will be more fruitful then the previous few.

Gynecologist assistant (Montreal)

Assist the gynecologist with patient preparation and examination.

No experience necessary. 10$ per hour. Schedule from wednesday to friday 6PM to 10 PM.
-----------------------------------------------------

Dear sir/madam,
It is with great enthusiasm that I wish to apply for the position of gynecologist assistant. I was delighted to read that experience is not necessary. I can't tell you how hard it is to crack the vagina market. From a very young age I've always wanted to be a gynecologist but I could never find an opening. (<--Epic vaginal pun!). I will likely need a fair bit of training as my only knowledge of the female reproductive system comes from a crude drawing that my good friend Steve did for me one time. I think that this will be an excellent opportunity for me to meet some ladies as well as get a clearer idea as to where babies come from.
I also kinda want the job so I can say, "David Caron, at your cervix"
Warm regards,
Jobless Dave

Don't be shy to share with friends. Or enemies for that matter.

Finding Emo

2010-06-02T08:16:00.000-07:00

After several unsuccessful attempts of finding a legitimate job and much soul searching I've decided to venture into the seedy underbelly of craigslist - adult gigs. I found one particular ad that didn't seem to push the boundaries too much.

Wanted: Goth Girl (Montreal)

Looking for a Gothic/Emo girl to have fun with. willing to pay 200/hr depending on how much fun is allowed.

---------------------------------------------------
Dear sir/madam,
It is with great enthusiasm (and emotion) that I wish to apply for the position of goth/emo. Once you get to know me I'm sure you will agree that I am the emo-ist person you've ever met. I'm so filled with emotions that I'm actually crying as I type this application. I also own a very black turtleneck that I received from my great aunt last Christmas. I don't have any piercings or tattoos but what I do have is a large birthmark on my leg. It screams angst and rebellion. I understand you were seeking the company of a girl but if you're looking for maximum fun allowed I'm your emo. While not exhaustive, I've prepared a list of really fun activities we could do:
-make arts and crafts
-climb a tree
-make a fort in my back yard
-go to the fair
-have a burping competition
-cut ourselves
Once you see the picture of myself that I've attached I think you will get a good idea of how much fun we will have.
warm regards,
Jobless Dave

jobless dave - no longer jobless?

2010-05-31T08:30:00.000-07:00

After two weeks of blogging I've realized a childhood dream of mine - to become famous on the internet. Sure I've made almost $8.00 in ad revenue but I'm hardly doing it for the money. And yes, it's true many women have given me a "job" offer of sorts but I'm not in it for the wicked bj's either. Instead I do it for the laughs - not to say I haven't had a few detractors. My girlfriend's mom described my writing as "wildly boring".
Ouch.
My only problem is that laughs don't pay the bills. Believe me, I've tried. The women serving me at McDonald's was confused and irritated when I tried to pay for my chicken McNuggets with a loud belly laugh.
So I've come to confess that I have accepted a job at 1800-GOT-JUNK for a few days a week. Not to worry, I will still look for a better job as well as write about some god awful jobs I do for junk.
You can have a say in what I do by participating in the poll on the right side
cheers,
jobless dave

I'M HIGH AS F*CK ON COKE!!!!!!!

2010-05-28T07:59:00.000-07:00

After having little success in the job market I decided that I would participate in medical research. I decided to hit up the 'et cetera' jobs on craiglist and found this promising lead.

Cocaine Research (McGill University)

Date: 2010-05-28, 9:31AM EDT
Reply to: ********************

Researchers in McGill University’s Department of Psychiatry are conducting a study about men and women (age 18 – 50) who have regularly used cocaine during the past 6 months. The study involves an interview, a medical examination and two brain imaging scans. Participants will be compensated for their time. The principal investigator is Dr. Leyton. If interested please contact Aryan at research.mcgill@gmail.com or leave a message at 514-398-7311.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HELLO DR LEYTON!!!!!!!!!
I'M VERY INTERESTED IN PARTICIPATING IN YOUR RESEARCH!!! I AM BETWEEN THE AGE OF 18 - 50. THE ONLY ISSUE IS THAT I'VE NEVER DONE COKE BEFORE UNTIL NOW. IN ORDER TO QUALIFY FOR YOUR STUDY I PROCEEDED TO MY LOCAL BOWLING ALLEY AND BOUGHT SOME BLOW OFF A DUDE WITH ONE ARM. WE MADE OUR WAY TO THE BATHROOM AND DID SOME EPIC POWER RAILS. AFTER BOWLING FOUR PERFECT GAMES AND GETTING THE HIGHEST SCORE ON THE DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION GAME I CAME HOME AND INVENTED NEW THINGS. SORRY FOR THIS EMAIL BEING IN ALL CAPS. THEY SHOULD REALLY CHANGE THAT BUTTON TO COKELOCKS.

WARM REGARDS,
DAVID CARON!!!!!!!!!!!

Open doors

2010-05-25T07:10:00.000-07:00

After a nice relaxing long weekend it's time to hit the job market again. I found this potential gem on craigslist this morning.

Gay Club Doorman (Gay Village Montreal)Date: 2010-05-24, 4:21AM EDT
Seeking a young fit and hot doorman for a gay club located in the Village.

Must be eye candy worthy.

The position offers a set schedule and good pay. $100 per shift, (8pm to 3am)

Please respond with a *** picture**** and**** ENGLISH CV****.

Dear sir or madam,
It is with great enthusiasm that I wish to apply for the position of gay club doorman. I hope it's ok to apply as a straight gay club doorman. It is my firm belief that I would be an ideal candidate for the position as I have extensive experience with doors of all kinds ranging from screen doors to those scary rotating doors.
Regarding the eye candy - we all know that candy leads to cavities. I'm sure you will agree that the prospect of eye cavities is pretty horrifying.
I can offer a much healthier alternative - eye vegetables.
As per your request I've attached a picture. I'm sure you will agree that your patrons will be delighted to be greeted by some real eye brussel sprouts.
Warm regards,
Jobless Dave

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I luvs Baybiez!

2010-05-20T06:44:00.000-07:00

Another day, another career opportunity. I stumbled upon this gem on craigslist this morning. It's a bit odd but I could really use the $.

Need experienced babysitter/housekeeper 10-15 hours a week (Longueuil)
Seeking experienced babysitter and housekeeper. Children are 1 6 month old boy and a 2 year old girl. Also require general housekeeper.
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Dear sir/madam,
I am very interested in the position. I'm pleased to say that I have extensive experience sitting on babies and will be happy to sit on your babies provided they are not too pointy. I'm also large enough that I could probably manage to sit on both of them simultaneously. Also how long would you want me to keep your house?
I've also enclosed a picture of myself for your consideration.

All (man) hands on deck!

2010-05-19T06:08:00.000-07:00

I haven't had much luck on the job search so far but I'm not discouraged. I've decided to search Craigslist for my new career. I came across this intriguing ad yesterday.

~~ Smart, Lovely Girls Wanted ~~ (mtl)
Date: 2010-05-17, 4:49PM EDT

Well now is your chance!
Whether you have experience or not, we would like to meet you! We are looking for reliable, good looking girls to join our team of masseuses!
The salon is very nice, safe and fun! Just pass by and you'll see how good life is here!
Very flexible schedules, work when you can! The boss is great and the girls are awesome, you'll make new friends!

Call now if you have questions or to meet us!

Naturally I responded to the ad as fast as possible.

Dear great boss,
I stumbled across your craigslist ad yesterday and would love to apply for the job. I currently don't have any experience but am eager to learn. I know you're looking for good looking girls, however, my hands are at least 35% larger then a girl's hand. If you consider how much more surface area my hands can cover vs. a girl's hand just think how many more massages you'll be able to book in a day! Big hands = Big profits my friend. I'm also marginally stronger then a girl and will be able to give really hard massages to your clients. If you just give me a chance I'm sure we'll both experience a happy ending.
Warm Regards,
David Caron

This is the 2 word response I got this morning:

Dude, wtf?!

to which I responded:

I assume wtf is an acronym for WOW that's Fantastic!
I can start Monday morning.

My first job rejection

2010-05-17T08:30:00.000-07:00

I applied for a job last week and got rejected via email:

Dear David:

Thank you for taking the time to meet with Mitchell and I. While your experience and qualifications are impressive, we have decided to go forward with another candidate at this time. We will keep your resume on file and contact you if another appropriate position becomes available.

Again, thank you for your time and the best of luck to you in your future employment endeavors.

Sincerely,

Debora

what a bummer.
Here's what I wrote back.

Hi Debora,
Thank you for taking the time to consider my application. Upon much reflection I've come to the same conclusion - I would not be suitable for the job. The undeniable sexual tension between us would have presented and insurmountable obstacle to getting any work done (don't think I didn't notice you checking me out at reception ;D ). Furthermore, my dashing good looks, perfectly coiffed hair and ass like Swedish rock climber would have been quite the distraction around the ol' office. I hope this doesn't mean we can't still be friends (maybe more?). If you ever want to share a glass of warm milk or talk about Star Wars (not the new ones) you have my contact information.
Sincerely,
Dave

P.S my favorite color is grey

****update****

Dear David:

haha, very funny. I hope that your sense of humor serves you well on your future employment endeavors.

Debora

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Dear Debora,
Sense of humor? I was being serious. Unfortunately I lost my sense of humor in a bizarre origami accident. It is therefore imperative that our children inherit your sense of humor. Lack of sense of humor, sever bubblegum allergies and the inability to successfully fly a helicopter are the only genetic weakness I possess. On the plus side our children will have excellent video game playing skills. I also have webbed toes like you've never seen, which - aside from looking sexy in flip flops - allow me to swim like aquatic lightning. I'm free all week if you want meet up. I thought it would be fun to watch darts on TSN2 or play a game or two of operation.
Warm regards,
David