EVERYBODY REMEMBER TO GET ON THE SHIP TOMORROW BECAUSE WE’RE GOING ON OUR CRUISE.

See you soon,
xox,
David T. Rees

Judge John Hodgman is shipping out with us on Sunday, and would like to settle some disputes on the ms Westerdam. Please read his request for argumentative Sea Monkeys here.

Here are the details re: Onboard gluttony!

Here are the details re: Half Moon Cay!

Here are the details re: Colin Farrell’s Intimate Details!

See you in a couple days.
–David

May God have mercy on his soul.

The great MC Frontalot and I recently engaged in a type-written correspondence re: his upcoming appearance on JCCC2, and I’d like to share it with you!

Happy reading …

DAVID: Have you ever been on a cruise before? Why or why not?

MC FRONTALOT: Never! Never. I didn’t mean to yell. But I have never, ever been on a gigantic boat before. I have never even seen the movie Titanic. But I do watch the news, and I trust that no Italians will be allowed on the engineering deck.

What are you most looking forward to about JoCoCruiseCrazy 2? What are you dreading?

I am looking forward to shaving this mellonfarming beard off of my face. It is scratchy and shitty. I grew it to provide cover for the fact that I have been cultivating a mustache for the formal, because, as we all know, it is not socially acceptable to grow a mustache by itself. I will shave down to the essential hair areas (“Haireas”(TM)) just before I put on my tuxedo, and then I will shave down to a bare upper lip after the festivities. So the enterprising cruise attendee might observe me in three different facial growth configurations in a single day. I can only imagine how exciting this is for them.

I am dreading the strong possibility that I and anyone else at the formal may arrive in the same fez.

Please characterize your relationship to salad bars:

I’m going to characterize it as ‘guardedly casual,’ but, as is so often the case with these things, that will raise as many questions as it answers.

CREDIT: Deborah Lopez

As you may know, I have final approval over performers’ set lists while on board. Please write out the first TWO WORDS of every song you plan on performing for my review:

You don’t listen, I’ll wish I just got nerd rap welcome! cryptozoology I had got to keep getting anybody, wonder I nearly I crack you’re annoyed.

What is/are your favorite kind(s) of music(s) to dance to?

I like house and techno from the early nineties, hip-hop from the early aughts, and anything on wax cylinder.

Have you met any of the JCCC2 performers before? If so, please reveal secrets about them for the purposes of my deep-sea emotional blackmail strategy:

I know quite a few of them.

Jonathan and I once dueled for the affection of a beached dolphin named Chee Chee. Paul and Storm are familiar to me through their VHS products, particularly ‘Learn Championship Trampoline Acrobatics At Home,’ to which I of course subscribe. Ms. Call and I got drunk one time and sabotaged an Alaskan oil pipeline, using plastique. Molly, unwittingly, was my math tutor a few years ago when I went undercover as a sixth grader for a piece I was writing in Rolling Stone. On a warm night in Seattle, Roderick almost let me touch a baby that he had sired, though he thought better of it at the last moment (my hands were already caked in rendered fat)(from other babies)(we were at a barbecue). Hodgman and Wheaton don’t like me to mention that I ghost-wrote their books, because I didn’t. David! Even you and I have shaken hands, when I bought your first book from you at APE about a decade ago.

The rest of the entertainment staff I can’t vouch for.

Are you willing to join the Deep-Sea Wi-Fi Temperance Brigade?

I assume that’s a new social network or broadband gaming league? In which case, sign me up! We can all check in and become the mayors of each other’s telephones, then frag noobs.

Many Sea Monkeys are making predictions about the cruise. What are your cruise predictions?

I predict that we will turn out to be riding in the brim of a giant’s hat.

Biggie vs. Tupac?

They were both amazing and remain rightful members of the hip-hop pantheon, but Tupac’s got that voice. Tupac’s voice makes me want to get pregnant. Biggie’s voice makes me want to double check that I know where my asthma inhaler is. Also, I’m from the Bay Area, so.

MF Doom vs. Kool Keith?

Doom. As much as I love Keith’s various incarnations, Doom’s writing is unmatched. Also, he rapped with Meatwad.

(ED NOTE: I must respectfully disagree with Mr. Frontalot’s verdict, but I trust we can reconcile our differences during our extensive underground-hip-hop discussion in the ship’s hot tub; all are welcome to join us.)

Rick Ross vs. Rick Springfield?

Springfield. It’s the hair.

Paul vs. Storm?

A tie. Though Storm’s elbows are slightly more masculine. I don’t mean that Paul’s elbows are girlish. They just… I don’t know. You’ll see what I’m talking about out by the pool.

What’s your favorite piece of clothing you’re bringing on the cruise?

I was led to understand that this cruise is clothing-optional.

Do you play Scrabble? Would you like to play Scrabble with me?

Yes and yes please.

Are you a Snuggie?

Don’t make fun.

Do you know where your passport is? You should make sure you know where your passport is!

Just did, thanks!

Sea Monkey Joel made something amazing!

According to my time-calculator, we leave one week from today.

Yrs,
D. T. Rees

I had many questions to ask Vi during our performer interview, but our Skype connection was somewhat less than genius, so we resorted to communicating via scrawls on paper — which, it turns out, is not the ideal medium for explanations of number theory, set theory, and all the other stuff I need Vi to explain to me so my head can finally stop hurting.

Anyway, turn the volume up and ENJOY!!!

PS: Vi also made this, which is awesome:

See you soon!
–David T. R.

“What should I pack,” you ask? I think we’ve already linked to this helpful discussion about what to bring.

Now let’s examine the OTHER SIDE OF PACKING ISSUES, i.e. WHAT YOU PROBABLY DON’T NEED TO BRING!

Here’s a (partial) list of some things returning Sea Monkeys will NOT bother bringing with them this time; heed their hard-won words of wisdom!

- Beach towels (the ship has 100,000 towels)

- High heels

- “Try to minimize toiletries and grooming supplies“ (The cabins all have shampoo and other hair stuff to put in your hair, and the ocean’s salt water also serves as a delightful conditioner. NOTE: Bring toothpaste, though!)

- “A bunch of books to read. I read maybe 5 pages of “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” in the hotel lobby … and consequently read zero more pages of anything the rest of the time.” (ALSO: The ship has a decent library. And ALSO TOO: If you have time to read a book, you have time to investigate the salad bar with me and the rest of the JOCO CRUISE CRAZY SALAD BAR DESTROYERS instead.)

- “I seriously hope I won’t need to pack a soldering iron.” (?!?!)

- “I had never cruised before and was paranoid I’d get seasick, so I brought three different kinds of over-the-counter anti-nausea remedies and a set of acupressure wristbands. Didn’t need any of it. Even if I did, turns out you can get seasickness meds for free on the ship.”

- “I brought my social anxiety. I think I’d like to leave that behind next year & socialize a little more.” (Any shy/anxious Sea Monkeys are encouraged to introduce themselves to me so I can introduce them to other people; I’m basically the least-friendly person on JCCC, so you know it’ll only get easier after you shake my hand!)

- This is probably the time to mention that you don’t need to bring a pencil sharpener. We’ve got that covered.

- I should also mention that you should find your passport NOW and duct-tape it to your body; I had an exciting moment a couple weeks ago when I couldn’t find my passport after two days of searching. (Turns out it was hiding behind a stack of old LPs I was about to take to Goodwill!)

PS: If you don’t know how to turn a common suitcase into a TARDIS, I recommend this video:

We are excited that Joseph Scrimshaw is shipping out with us next weekend(!). I already knew he was a talented performer and comedian … but now his real talent is displayed in full flower: He can predict the future!

PREDICTION NUMBER FIVE:

I will foolishly attempt to define geek culture to an old woman from Arkansas.

Please enjoy his predictions about JCCC2, and leave your own predictions in the comments! That way, nothing will surprise us on the boat.

To celebrate, why not ogle our schedule of events? (Google Calendar version)

UPDATE: Alternately, JCCC2 Official Schedule – PDF version