Joe and Sean's CarCast

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard: Creepshow 2

joe.sean.carcast@gmail.com (Joe and Sean's CarCast) — Sun, 20 Jan 2013 05:24:00 +0000

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard: Creepshow 2

Being a sequel to an actually good scary movie and keeping the EC Comics motif. = +10pts
Giant balls on the tween who does not run away screaming at the site of the obviously demonic periodical man. = +5pts
The writer who wrote that above line. = -10pts (To be applied to a personal scorecard.)
Really lame "magic hands" move of creepy periodical man. = -3pts
Lack of star-power evident in the opening credits. A complete reversal of Hollywood's view that the original Creepshow was a good idea and a movie to be seen in. = -10pts.
Exact opposite of creepy synth/keyboard solo during credits. = -5pts
Not being directed by George Romero. (Despite what the poster art would have you believe.) = -8pts
Utterly terrible between story animation sequences. = -5pts
Opening scene of old white man singing "Jimmy Crack Corn" while dusting off a giant Indian Smoking man in front of his store. (In 1987 = 0pts, In 2013 = -17pts) = -17pts
Old white lady making fun of freeloading (really poor) Native Americans. (In 1987 = +1pts, In 2013 = -20pts) = -19pts
The look of confusion on the white guys face at receiving turquoise necklaces in lieu of cash. = 0pts (But kind of hilarious.)
The dialogue. = -3pts
The "You're disgusting" line uttered after obnoxious wailing fat guy grabs his crotch and tells the old man to "put this in your mouth." = +8pts
Unintentional (one hopes) Diet Pepsi appearance at awkward moment. = +2pts
HOLY FUCKING SHIT THAT IS FUCKING IRISH ACTOR HOLT McCALLANY PLAYING THE LONG HAIRED NATIVE AMERICAN ROBBER. (In 1987 = nobody gave a shit, in 2013 = -20pts) = -20pts
Poorly dealt issues of race this movie thinks it is treating with respect. (In 1987 = +5pts, In 2013 = -25pts) = -20pts
Ability of previously petrified Smoking Indian to operate contemporary technology, like televisions and garage door openers. = +7pts
Telling the petrified Smoking Indian covered in blood that he is not alive and can't be alive and then wasting time shooting him. = +3pts
Troubling implications of Smoking Indian scalping another Native American as revenge for killing white people. (In 1987 = +10pts (Irony!), In 2013 = -20pts (Racist!)) = -10pts
Yes, I'm still here not-scary-cartoon-man. It'll take more than a little 80's cultural insensitivity to get me to stop watching this clearly inferior sequel. = +10pts (For doing me the courtesy of making sure I'm still awake.)
Um...spoke too soon. The Raft freaked my shit out bad when I was a kid and is one of Stephen King's best stories. = +20pts
Douchbag teens yelling at each other to "pass the weed." Oh, these kids can't die fast enough. Already much better. = +5pts
The blonde douchbag's hilarious yellow bikini bottoms. (Likely a joke in 1987 = +5pts, In 2013, still a joke, but funnier in 2013 = +8pts) = +13pts
Here's a great idea for you: Drive 50 miles out into the middle of nowhere, take a swim in what looks like an abandoned rock quarry, and leave your car back on the "beach" with the keys in the ignition and the radio still blasting. What could go wrong? = +15pts
Watching duck be mysteriously pulled into the water and still swimming in the general direction of it. = +5pts
Who took a shit in the lake? = +3pts
DON'T TOUCH THE SHIT IN THE WATER!! = +10pts
Killing the virgin girl first. = +15pts (You know, because it's not typical in these kinds of movies... Not because it's cool to kill virgins...)
Threatening to punch a girl who is upset after watching her friend dissolve into a glop of lake poo. = -5pts
Foot-to-face. Best. Raft. Death. Ever. = +25pts
Um...non-consensual molestation while a a pervy slick of acidic poo watches. = -20pts (in any decade)
Taunting slick of acidic poo. = +5pts
Poo wave!! Who's laughing now, beyotch! = +10pts
There's nothing like the smell of a rich white lady running over a homeless black man in the morning. = -10pts
Car phones with actual cords attached to them. = (In 1987 = +10pts, In 2013 = +15pts) +25pts
Refusing to give a ride to the black man you ran over with your car even after he's managed to track you down several miles later. = -5pts
"Thanks for the ride, lady." = +5pts (Still makes me laugh.)
Now I know where Quintin Tarantino got the inspiration for Django Unchained. = +3pts
Why would, what clearly appears to be a zombie, after being mutilated, suddenly fall over after getting shot a few times by a gun? = -2pts
Accidentally run over a homeless black man, once? Shame on you. Purposely shoot him six times and then run over him again, repeatedly? Well..shame on you again. (In Regan's 1987 = +10pts, In 2013, -20pts) = -10pts
Overallpoints to be earned through unarftful commentary of important issues relevant to 1987. = 0pts (a wash)

Progressive Cinema Scorecard Total: +17 points

Once again the scorecard proves that the closer to 0 a movie actually is, the less value there is in literally watching it. Had this movie not had The Raft at its center, and had it not been chock-full of shoehorned metaphors of a dead decade, it might have been not bad. But, as it is, it is not good.

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard: The Fog

joe.sean.carcast@gmail.com (Joe and Sean's CarCast) — Sun, 01 Jul 2012 21:50:00 +0000

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard: The Fog

For thinking a movie based on scary fog would be a good idea. = -15pts.
For being directed by John Carpenter. (Back when "directed by John Carpenter" actually meant something other than eliciting a feeling of bemused nostalgic disapointment) = +40 pts
For casting Alfred Hitchcock and dressing him like the sailor guy from The Simpsons. = +20pts
Wait, that's not Alfred Hitchcock that's (a drunk) John Houseman (talking to what looks like a couple of Native American kids. What the Fuck is going on)! = -21pts
For reminding me who John Houseman was and how many movies he was in that I forgot about. = +6pts
Wait, those are white kids from the 70's, not Native Americans? Where are their parents? = A wash.
A drunk priest! Played by Hal Holbrook! Before he married a Designing Woman! = +5pts
Ringing pay phones as a device of terror. = -3pts
Holy shit! Lights turned on! = -5pts
I thought the title of this movie was The Fog, not Maximum Overdrive. = -5pts
De-li-laaaaaah. = +3pts
Casting the dude who played that dad of that chick who killed herself at the beginning of the first Leathal Weapon. = +5pts
Jaime Lee Curtis! (Weird, she looks both really young and really old for her age.) = +15pts
Operating a radio show in a lighthouse? Best job ever! = +3pts
A fucking Pirate Ship? = -5pts
Man, those pirates sure are meaner than the ones from the Caribbean. = +7pts
Ah, the 70's... Back when you could pick up a strange chick on the side of the road around midnight, have some crazy nothing blow out your window, and be back at his place boning within the hour. We miss you 70's! Call us! = +10pts
Shame on you John Carpenter. I know you like to score your own movies, but recylcing the Halloween music only in a different key and played backwards? That's weak sauce, even for you. = -15pts
The set for the Antonio Bay celebration. = -8pts (2 year-old B-day parties have better set-ups.)
Janet Leigh! Film geeks from the 70's must have shot their wads. = +5pts
Do women even use curling irons any more? = +2pts
Hal Holbrook reading a book...badly. Terryfying! = -10pts
Polite ghost leper pirates?! Why not! = +10pts
If another character stops the movie to tell a personal anecdote, I'm going to flip my shit. = -10pts
That leaking plank of wood scene and the creepy voice. First legitamatly scary thing all movie. = +10pts
(Potential scoring oppourtunity. If Andy dies? Limitless. If he lives? Missed oppuortunity.)
Presumably dead body(s) moving underneath a white sheets.= +8pts
Horror movie writing 101. Having a character begin any explanation with the phrase, "This is going to sound a little strange..." (Horror set-up: Check. Exposition: Check)= +3pts
Killing Andy's babtsitter, thus eliminating one person closer to Andy. = +5pts.
Andy lives. = -10pts
Delilah whining about Andy over the radio for what seems like HOURS. = -5pts
Calling yourself a horror movie when nobody of real import dies. = -30pts

+15pts. Pretty close to a goose egg here. Not one of John Carpenter's finest movies. Kind of boring and a bit ridiculous (and not in a good way). In fact, had this film not "allegedly" been directed by John Carpenter it may have been Paranormal Activity bad. Instead, it was only Monkey Shines bad. Still, the scorecard makes all things bearable.

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard: The Howling

joe.sean.carcast@gmail.com (Joe and Sean's CarCast) — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 19:32:00 +0000

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard: The Howling

For being a werewolf movie that doesn’t revolve around fighting / fucking vampires. = +20pts
Slim Pickens! = +10pts
Having the mom from E.T. watch rape porn. = -20pts
For defining the word 'cynosure' for me. Don't insult my intelligence! I know what cynosure means! It means...Wait, what does it mean again? = -3pts
For the lady, whose action-figured build, football player of a golden-mustachioed husband, is making us question our sexuality. (In 1981 = -10pts, In 2011 = +15pts) = +5pts
For trusting the skeezy guy who played Mr. Steed in The Avengers. = -10pts
For using a tweaked-out hippie in place of a hunting dog. = +10pts
For this greeting of a new character, "Hello, good friend!" That's some nice seamless writing, right there. = -3pts
For having sex on the beach. (Sand gets everywhere.) = -69pts (heh, heh)
For Golden-locked husband slapping wife. I'm so over him now. = -10pts
For having a Werewolf use a filing cabinet. = +10pts
Killer pulling out piece of his own brain! = +25pts
Werewolf Slim Pickens! = +50pts
Lead turning into the cutest, cuddliest werewolf ever. = +10 pts.
On live TV! = +20pts

Progressive Cinema Scorecard Total = +45pts

For not trying to be anything more than scary entertainment featuring werewolves, not the worse movie the scorecard has ever scored. Joe Dante sneaks in a few jabs about our disaffected, media-saturated society, but the commentary just punctuates the action, rather than overwhelm it, though the years have seriously dated the scary factor of the special effects. While not a scorecard legend, we can't think of a more appropriate icon for the event than a werewolf Slim Pickens.

joe.sean.carcast@gmail.com (Joe and Sean's CarCast) — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 05:40:00 +0000

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard for Paranormal Activity:

For being a recent horror movie that isn’t a remake and doesn’t revolve around Real World cast-offs being subjected to surgical torture. =+20pts
For being one of those “found footage” horror movies. =-15pts
Isn’t there only one camera? How come the POV keeps changing in the kitchen? =-5pts
So, just so we’re clear here, malevolent poltergeist haunting my girlfriend: Totally within the realm of possibility. Psychics who can perceive and study said poltergeist: An obvious load of bullshit invented to con chicks with serious psychological problems.= -10pts
For giving us the Paranormal Activity Drinking Game (every time there’s a loud noise from downstairs, take a drink; if Micah or Katie yell “Fuck” right afterwards, chase it with a shot; guaranteed black-out drunk in 90 minutes or less). =+20pts
For defining “demons” for us. (Because an entire lifetime of living in a Judeo-Christian Western society hasn’t familiarized us with that concept.) = –5pts
Micah’s “research” on the supernatural consisting of one evening thumbing through My First Picture Book of Demons. = +5pts
Despite the fact that the psychic explicitly said NOT to use a Ouija board, that’s pretty much Micah’s go-to solution. For showing some real moxy: =+10pts
For being a willfully obtuse horror movie character. =-15pts
So basically, Kate and Micah share a living space with something that throws stuff on the floor, leaves faucets running, and makes loud noises while they’re trying to sleep. Maybe I’m alone in this, but I kind of think that in order for the supernatural force in a horror movie to really be effective, it needs to be more threatening than, say, an inconsiderate roommate. =-15 pts
At a certain point, wouldn’t the logical response to the “haunting” be to shake your first in the direction of the loud thumping, mutter a semi-coherent reprimand, and then roll over and go back to sleep? =-7pts
Sprinkling talcum powder on the floor to solve your ghost problems. From a comedic perspective—almost off the charts—in this particular instance? =– 7pts
Claw marks on Micah’s picture; I think we see eye-to-eye on this one, demon. =+18pts
Attempted ghost rape. =+12pts (For being kind of scary. Not for...you know...the whole rape thing.)
The end takeaway of this movie being “See the next movie to find out what any of this shit means?” = -25pts

Total points = -19 points
As close to a zero as anything we’ve ever reviewed. Proof that the scorecard never lies! We’re pretty sure that we’ve watched instructional videos on performing simple Excel functions that were more frightening than this film.

joe.sean.carcast@gmail.com (Joe and Sean's CarCast) — Wed, 07 Sep 2011 15:33:00 +0000

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard for Caligula:

WHAT?!? Netflix doesn't have the uncut 156-minute version on the instant queue? Where's my extra 15 minutes of gratuitous hardcore sex? = -200pts
Screenplay by Gore Vidal. = +50pts
Oh, wait. Based on a screenplay by Gore Vidal. = -100pts
Casting Alex from A Clockwork Orange as Rome's batshit craziest emperor. = +50pts
Tantalizing us with hot '70s nudity in the opening scene, only to reveal that the parties concerned are brother and sister. = -20pts
Miles of dangling chain gang slave wang. = +8pts
Peter O'Toole: the drunken, paranoid, syphilitic grandfather we never had. = +30pts
Emperor Tiberius's pleasure grotto looks like something out of an Hieronymus Bosch painting. = + 25pts
Holy shit! Is that a human centipede on Tiberius's stairs? = +20pts
Drowning the stuck-up butler from Arthur in a glass bathtub. = +10pts
So, wait, no one's going to... I don't know... remove the the thing you used to strangle the emperor from around his neck before letting everyone know that he's dead? No? Okay, I guess you guys know what you're doing. = -17pts
Young, partially nude Helen Mirren. = +100pts
A doomsday machine with rotating death blades decapitating prisoners buried up to their necks in the floor of the Colosseum? Why the hell not! = +200pts
The constant, haunting presence of Malcom McDowell's supple, hairless ass cheeks. = -30pts
Caligula delivers the most enthusiastic thumbs-up in cinematic history following Caesonias...er..."erotic" dance. = +47pts
Thank God they've captured the ancient Roman tradition of giving birth upright and cruciform for an audience of hundreds. Just like I always read about in my history texts. = +50pts
Watching Caligula clumisily dragging his sister's naked corpse up the steps to a statue of Isis and knowing that somehow this scene was supposed to inspire pathos instead of snorting laughter. = -25pts
Wow. I don't even know how to begin to describe what's going on here. So we've got an imperial orgy including all the wives and daughters of the senate, but the whole scene takes place in a land-bound ivory Roman galley, complete with oarsmen and a formation of Roman legionaries sashaying around it in a choreographed dance number. = +50pts
Watching the re-enactment of Caligula's "conquest" of Britain. I'm glad the film makers captured the classic Roman strategy of sending their naked soldiers into battle first. You know, to weird the enemy out. = +13pts
Apparently the password to enter the royal palace was "scrotum." = +10pts
Gross historical inaccuracy. = -148pts
Gross historical inaccuracy: = +296pts

Progressive Cinema Scorecard Total: +419

Final Note: An A-list Hollywood cast, hopelessly elaborate '70s art deco Roman sets, and a screenplay that unfolds as though it were written by someone who had read a wikipedia article on ancient Rome while huffing paint out of a sack made of mescaline. Even without the fifteen minutes of completely unnecessary and totally unsimulated sexual perversion, there's more than enough jaw-dropping insanity in this film to make Scorecard history.

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard: Rubber

joe.sean.carcast@gmail.com (Joe and Sean's CarCast) — Sat, 03 Sep 2011 03:52:00 +0000

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard for Rubber:

Thinking of a movie that will star a vengeful tire with the power to explode people's heads and then actually making it. = +100pts.
The feng shue value of placing chairs along a dirt road. Or, what the rest of the world calls littering. = -5pts
Opening scene driving test FAIL. = +10pts
Accompanying monologue. = +30pts
Calling your movie a "great film" before it even starts. = -15pts
The name "Wings Hauser". +10pts
Watching a resurrected tire learn to roll again. = +20pts.
Watching a tire hone its killing talents on empty water bottles, scorpions, beer bottles, rusty tin cans, and cute bunnies. = +35 pts
Holy cow! Fat Neal! = +10pts
Audience commentary past the meta-intro. You don't need to tell that a tire with psychokinetic powers is cool. I ALREADY KNOW THAT! = -30pts
Even tires need to sleep. Apparently at night too. Remember that on your next road-trip. = +3pts
Running over a tire in the middle of the road and then not stopping to see if it's okay. = -10pts
Having that same tire regain consciousness, track you down for revenge, and explode your head (for you = -50pts) for us.= +75pts
Being an officer of the law and not stopping to question the only object rolling/fleeing from a crime scene. = -25pts
Taking a shower in a seedy hotel room and leaving your front door open for just any old tire to roll into. = -40pts
Having one of your meta-actors comment that the ass of the female who agreed to be naked in your movie is "not that great". = -50pts
Renting a hotel room to a homicidal tire. = -5pts
Implied bestiality. = -10pts
Full frontal tire nudity. = +20pts
Wearing leather boots to the pool. = -5pts
Adding exploded bird entrails to your dad's pizza. = -20pts, Doing it in front of a hitchhiking hippie = +20pts (Technically a wash)
The realization that your meta-experiment isn't playing out the way you planned. = -10pts
Attempting to befriend an unstable homicidal tire. = -5pts
Eating the poisoned food of your own trap. = -5pts
Filming a pile of burning tires. (pre-holocaust = 0pts) Post-holocaust. = -50pts
Attempting to fool a homicidal tire to its doom by tempting it with a mannequin strapped with explosives that looks nothing like you. = +25pts
Coming soon: Tricycle. = +10pts

Progressive Cinema Score Total: +83pts

Final Note: In just concept and initial execution alone, this movie started off with a bang. However, the second drags down what could have been a scorecard record.

BREAKING NEWS: Carson Daly Arrested at Mall of America for Harassing Tweens, Demanding to Know Why He’s Not Ryan Seacrest

joe.sean.carcast@gmail.com (Joe and Sean's CarCast) — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 23:39:00 +0000

Bloomington, Mn. -A deranged and obviously confused Carson Daly was arrested this weekend after accosting multiple tween girls, grabbing them by the arm, and shouting at them in front of their mothers, "Why the fuck am I not Ryan Seacrest!"

According to his publicist, Mr. Daly was in Minnesota to cover the unveiling of the world's largest Temperpedic mattress for his late night NBC show, Last Call. Witnesses claim that Mr. Daily became irate at the food court television, which had been running clips from Ryan Seacrest's E! Show E! News, during which Seacrest showed repeated clips of his own moments on the Fox mega-hit American Idol.

“He would start to ask something about the mattress, and then his eyes would float up to the television screen and he’d just sort of trail off,” said Doug McLauren, night manager for Temperpedic’s Mall of America location.

According to eye witnesses, Daly’s erratic behaviour continued for nearly 20 minutes before he threw his Chicken Teriyaki platter at an Auntie Anne's worker and began shouting, "THIS IS BULLSHIT!! THIS IS BULLSHIT!!" to no one in particular.

Representatives of NBC, the network on which Mr. Daly still manages to have a show, were contacted by The Carcast and asked to comment on the story: "We don't do that show any more. Haven't for years. This is NBC, we make television history. We're not in the business of shelling out dreck." After The Carcast sent them tapes of Mr. Daly's most recent show, an episode that featured Mr. Daly and Fred Durst on a camping trip and talking about how great music was in the 90's, the NBC executive responded, "I'll get back to you." The Carcast is awaiting further comment.

An MTV spokesperson gave a similar account, "Carson Daily? Never heard of him. Sounds like a bad porn name. MTV is not in the porn business."

"Techically," the representative added

Eventually Mr. Daly was subdued by mall security guard, Grover Wilkinson who had located an old poster of Tara Reid from one of the many abandoned storefronts now currently occupying the Mall of America. Mr. Daly was last seen fleeing the Mall with his entourage, singer Fred Durst and former MTV vee-jay Matt Pinefield. There is no knowledge to his current whereabouts and all calls to NBC have gone unanswered.

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard: The Keep

joe.sean.carcast@gmail.com (Joe and Sean's CarCast) — Wed, 24 Aug 2011 03:15:00 +0000

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard for The Keep:

Holy shit! Directed by Michael Mann! = +75pts
Music by Tangerine Dream! = +5pts
The bad guy from Beerfest! Playing a Nazi! (Being in Beerfest = +10pts; Being a Nazi. = -9pts) Net Points= +1pt
Shooting a movie in what looks like Rock City. = +10pts (See it!)
Saying the line, "It doesn't make any sense. It looks like it was built, not to keep something out, but-" This phrase has been interrupted for your benefit and has been assessed a Scorecard cliche penalty. = -10pts
Having the salty old townie tell you to never touch the crosses...and then touching the crosses. = -25pts
German Nazi soldiers with British accents. = +5pts
The massive farting Keep sequence (with accompanying architectural anus). = +70pts (A cinema first!)
Oh, snap! Scott Glenn! = +20pts
According to this movie, Nazis with green arm badges weren't as bad as Nazis with red arm badges. Hold on, let me just Wikipedia this. Just to confirm... Okay, let's see...Nazis with green badges...Um, hmmm...Nope, all Nazis' sucked. = -30pts
Holy shit! A young Faux Soze as a bad Nazi general! (For being a Nazi general. = -10pts; For being Faux Fucking Soze. = +30pts) Net. = +20pts
Faux Soze's German accent. = -10pts
Holy shit! Gandeto/Mandalf! In this movie! = +80pts
For the Carcast having never heard of this movie, despite the sheer volume of Academy Award level talent (being made in 1983 is no excuse.), we must penalize ourselves for our incompetence. The Carcast is docked -100 points.
The fact that everyone in this movie looks the same age now that they did in 1983. = +10pts
Mandalf's indeterminable accent. = -10pts
Gandeto's fuzzy mittens. = -5pts
Really? A scene of Nazi face meltings? In 1983? A few years after Raiders of the Lost Ark? and you couldn't make them look at least as cool? Embarrassing. = -30pts
That beautifully shot scene starring that moving fart cloud fly thing. = +25pts
For finally explaining how Magneto got out of the Nazi death camps. Thanks for nothing, X-Men: First Class! = +10pts
For having the female lead sleep with Scott Glenn, a man she had never met and didn't even have a conversation with. -20pts
Taking us back to the day when aggressive, flat-hand rubbing on naked backs, and holding hands signified passionate sex. Thanks for nothing internet porn! =+5pts
Skeletor cameo. = +10pts
Yelling at your previously wheelchair-bound friend for being able to walk and telling him to burn in hell. = -15pts
Crying into the arms of the man you just boned, who you don't know, and who has just mentioned he has to kill your father without providing a sensible, or understandable, reason for doing so. = -20pts
For taking 5 minutes to show us how Mandalf figured his way through the Mines of Moria. = +5pts
Constantly changing the the hairstyle of the female lead so that we think it's a different chick every time. = -15pts
Almost killing your daughter because a guy in a rubber Skeletor suit told you too. = +25pts (Hey, we said almost.)
Does Scott Glenn really need any prosthesis on his already long neck? We don't think so. = -5pts
For not making any sense. = -25pts
For the repetitive message that Nazi's were mean. Was this still in doubt in 1983? = +1pt
For an overall lack of accent integrity. = -10pts
For almost single handedly killing Mandalf's movie career. = -20pts
We are giving our 100points back to ourselves because it is pretty clear why we never heard of this movie and why none of the poeple involved every cited it in any of the hundreds of interviews they've given since. Carcast = +100pts

Progressive Cinema Score Total: +127pts

Carcast Score Total: 0pts (Just where we like it!)

Final Verdict: Despite several beautiful Michael-Mann-esque-shots, and an amazing roster of (future) Academy Award nominees-ingredients so impressive that we initially penalized ourselves for not knowing of this film's existence-what we're left with was a nonsensical movie that appears to basically be about architectural flatulence.

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard: Phantasm II

joe.sean.carcast@gmail.com (Joe and Sean's CarCast) — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 02:26:00 +0000

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard for Phantasm II:

Calling your big evil guy the "Tall Man" and then giving him lifts so that he is even taller. = +25pts
The implied sexual relationship between the main character and his "Uncle" Reggie. = -40pts
The extensive use of little people druids and the staging of several scenes around their ability to hide in just the right cabinet. = +25pts
Watching a grown man toss aside his shotgun in favor of fleeing a two-foot tall little druid up a laundry shoot. = +25pts
Trading in "gender-confusing-Mike" (think the guy/girl from Real Genius) for "less-gender-confusing-Mike." (back then = +30 pts) Now = -10pts
Not hiring Brad Pitt for the role of Mike. I am dead serious. They could have. = -50pts
Calling little people midgets. (in 1988 = 0 pts) Now = -10 pts
Mike's need to continually dig up graves even though it is clear after the first couple that the bodies are suspiciously missing, thus proving that his time in the mental institution wasn't totally unwarranted. "Look, Mike, you may be right, but that doesn't mean you aren't a little crazy. Let's talk about your Uncle Reggie." = +10pts
Blowing up Uncle Reggie's house twice in the fist 12 minutes. (2 separate houses. Does this go without saying? Cause they look like the same house.) = +30 pts.
The bizarre shift in voiceover narrators. Who's story is this anyway? = -10pts
The bizarre genre shift 20 minutes into the movie. "Horror? No, no, no, no. We saw this movie called Terminator (and at least six other movies who's names escape us at the moment), on VHS, and they were really cool.= -30pts
Paying for things you clearly stole when there is no actual cashier working there to tell you how much things cost. "What would you say, 40 bucks for all of the large unwieldy tools and sharp objects? Wait, don't forget every mini-propane tank they had and the use of their buzz-saw. Oh, and the chainsaws. Yeah...you're right. 50 bucks." = +10pts
Talking in the past tense about things that haven't actually happened yet. = +40pts
Having the main character tell his uncle while robbing a tool shop stocked with shotguns that shotguns won't do anything to the little druids, only to see him 8 minutes later hand over his flamethrower to his uncle so that he can approach a likely little druid armed only with a 9mm. (Additional proof that this movie was likely conceived by an orgy of at least 3 other movies and born in the filthiest B-movie back-lot and left to feed itself or die. Not always a bad thing. This is America, goddammit.) = +20pts
Second. Best. Back. Acne. Scene. Ever = +75 pts
Perigord, Oregon. = -10pts
Oh, look, it's a drunk Catholic priest who questions his faith. Snore. = -10pts
Uncle Reggie using the term "take a leak" as an excuse to talk with his nephew in private and then standing too close to his nephew while he takes an actual leak, and doing so at an angle that seems to imply he is either peeing on his nephew's feet, trying to get him to look at his junk, or both; while simultaneously trying to convince his nephew (but really, the audience) that he has a thing for the hitchhiker he just inexplicably picked up. You aren't fooling anyone Uncle Reggie. = -20pts
The ball = +50pts
Making out with a guy you just met in an open grave. = +50pts (True love. Can you really put a value on it?)
What are you Reggie? Bad-ass road warrior? Handyman? Pederast? Your tool belt is confusing us. = -25pts
A bag of bone-dust labeled "Mr. Sam Rami". That explains so much. (The 4-barrell shotgun. The chainsaw. Etc.) = 0pts (We aren't whores.)
Two words: Chainsaw. Duel. = +80pts
Gold ball = 0pts (We said we aren't whores! Although a laser that makes things explode and can saw its way up and through a man's back before getting stuck in his jaw comes close.) Who are we kidding, we are total whores! = +50pts
Three words: Chainsaw. To. Balls. = +30pts
Turns out shotguns do work. = -25pts
"Hey, Mike. Remember back in the original Phantasm when you fell into the interdemensional doorway and almost died? That couldn't possibly happen again, right? Mike? MIKE?!" = -10PTS
The scene with the Tall Man dying from what looks like a transfusion of frat urine. = +20pts
The final scare in which a main character dies, thus negating a majority of the voiceover. = -50pts

Progressive Cinema Score Total: +240pts

Final Note: A classic piece of frankensteined genres that somehow finds itself as the highest scoring film reviewed so far. Good on you, Mr. Don Coscarelli. You completely untalented hack, you.

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard: Monkey Shines

joe.sean.carcast@gmail.com (Joe and Sean's CarCast) — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 04:42:00 +0000

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard for Monkey Shines:

Um, the title. We can't help it if "Monkey Shines" sound vaguely racist to us. = -100 pts
The disclaimer at the beginning of the movie that speaks to the virtues of "The Helping Hands" program, apparently a "real" monkey training program designed to help the disabled, and the assurances that no monkeys were harmed in any way during the making of this movie. Talk about buzzkill (in 1988 = -25 pts) Now = +25 pts.
The naked male calisthenics scene. (Only pussies take the time to put on underwear before doing the splits rubbing their sweaty ass and balls on the living room carpet.) = +10 pts
Living in Chicago and seeing a jogger get hit by a car for running in the middle of the road within the first 2 minutes. = +50pts (Since "dream come true" has no real point value)
Holy shit, is that Stanley Tucci?! With muscles?! = +10pts
For the handicap sex scene, which would have scored higher if it hadn't been accompanied by all the monkey orgasms. = -30pts
Lamest suicide attempt ever. = -10pts
The monkey & man slow dance scene. = +10pts
Hiring the red stapler guy from Office Space and having him play the mean animal doctor guy. = +10pts
The creepy mom sponge bathing son scene. = -20 pts
A grown man losing a hand-to-hand battle with a monkey the same size of the monkey from the The Hangover = +50 pts
Watching a handicapped lead "race" across the house only to lose the race to a monkey, who then somehow wrestles all 300 pounds him (chair and all) away from the ringing telephone while tying him up with the cord of the phone at the same time. (I did not make that up. It actually happened.) = +25pts
The monkey licking the mouth scene. Gross, and not in a good way. = -5pts
For having a scene where a monkey pees on a man in a wheelchair. = +75 pts (Almost priceless.)
Watching the main character chew a monkey stuffed animal to death. = +30pts
For being boring = -50pts
For calling yourself a horror movie = -50pts

Progressive Cinema Score Total: +30 pts

Final Note: Once again the Progressive Cinema Scorecard tells you everything that you need to know. In this case, the closer to zero a movie scores, the crappier it probably is. That and George Romero is going to have to do something truly spectacular to wipe the stink of this off of him.

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard: Return of the Living Dead

joe.sean.carcast@gmail.com (Joe and Sean's CarCast) — Sat, 20 Aug 2011 16:51:00 +0000

The progressive scorecard for Return of the Living Dead:

Asserting that this movie is based on real and true events when that is clearly impossible = +50 pts
Having the guy who played Governor Fritz La Chatte from the TV show Sledgehammer as one of your leads = +20 pts
Asserting that all skeletons used in medical reaserch come from India because they have nice teeth = -100 pts
Having a teenage gang with every single 80's stereotype represented as if they were all in one group and actually hung out together (in 1985 = -20 pts), in 2011 = +20 pts
Having a main character speak to the integrity of a toxic drum by claiming that is was made by the Army Corp of Engineers right before it promptly falls apart (in 1985 = +5 pts), Post Katrina = +10 pts
Having your punk chick character talk about her fantasy death and it that involve being raped and eaten by a bunch of dirty old men and then having her take off all her clothes (tops AND bottoms) to dance completely naked on a giant tomb = -200 pts
Introducing brains to the discriminating zombie pallet = +100 pts
Not giving the naked punk chick ANY clothes, even after brains start being eaten = -100 pts
Having a Motley Crue knock-off play during the cemetery awakening montage = -20 points
Not killing the only black dude in the movie first = +20 pts
Not putting zombie make-up on a significant portion of zombies in the group shots = -30 pts
Little person made to look like a zombie with no legs = +10 pts
Zombies using the CB radios to lure more paramedics/police officers to the scene for more brains = +50 pts
Bringing back the naked punk chick, even after we thought she had mercifully been killed, and STILL not giving her any clothes to wear = -100 pts
Clips from the movie you just watched playing during the credits and they ARE NOT outtakes = -10 pts

Progressive Score Total: -280 pts

Final Verdict: Not very progressive, but not exactly Birth of a Nation

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard: Night of the Comet

joe.sean.carcast@gmail.com (Joe and Sean's CarCast) — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 20:18:00 +0000

It's a new regular feature on the Carcast site. The Progressive Cinema Scorecard! Joe and I will watch a great cinematic film and assign arbitrary points to scenes/events in films that we feel may or may not be viewed in the current climate as "progressive".

We decided on the "Progressive Cinema Scorecard," since we all know that the title of "Conservatives Cinema Scorecard" would be a misnomer because conservatives don't actually watch movies, or listen to good music, or look at art, or live. And we decided against the "Liberal Cinema Scorecard" because Joe hates communist hippies. As a result, a compromise was struck. (Take note Washington!) The result: The brilliantly named "Progressive Cinema Scorecard."

Progressive Cinema Scorecard for Night of the Comet:

Having a chick lead who is the best Asteroid player in 1984 = 10 pts
Having chick lead and her sister being better with machine guns than the boys = 20 pts
Having a Latino male lead in 1984 = 1pt
Having said Latino male lead so closely resemble that OTHER Latino actor everybody in 1984 would recognize = -1 pt
Having Latino male lead return to his house to check on his mother and the only record on display in the entire house being Feliz Navidad, better known as that one Mexican song white people in 1984 would recognize = -1 pt
Having a bad-ass main chick turn into slightly deranged schoolmarmy wife at the end of the movie = -20 pts
Having me think there were zombies in this fucking movie when there weren't = -100 pts
Our liberal use of the word "chick" during this post = -50 pts

Final Progressive Cinema Score for Night of the Comet = -141 points

In short: Far above average for this genre of film produced that decade.

The Wedding Episode

joe.sean.carcast@gmail.com (Joe and Sean's CarCast) — Sun, 17 Jul 2011 20:01:00 +0000

In this episode: Somebody gets married! Here's a hint: It's the only CarCaster who's ever been accused of murder! Learn all about it on the newest episode of Joe and Sean's CarCast.

The Wedding Episode

Sean's Top Albums of 2010 (or around those parts)

joe.sean.carcast@gmail.com (Joe and Sean's CarCast) — Tue, 14 Jun 2011 21:22:00 +0000

Here is a list of Sean’s best albums of 2010! (Who are we kidding...the best albums he heard that year. The guy lives in a fucking cave.)

Alcoholic Faith Mission, 421 Wythe Avenue - Nut in Your Eye

The National, High Violet - Bloodbuzz Ohio

Florence and the Machine, Lungs - Cosmic Love

Tegan and Sara, Sainthood - Hell

Aloha, Home Acres - Summer Away

Best Albums of 2010, Part 2

joe.sean.carcast@gmail.com (Joe and Sean's CarCast) — Thu, 02 Jun 2011 20:36:00 +0000

In this episode: It’s June 2011, so I guess that means this is the perfect time to find out which albums of 2010 (or earlier) made it into Sean’s top five! Here’s a hint: While Kanye West was invited to stop by and piss all over Joe’s notions of music, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy was not the top album. Which album made it to the top? Listen to the show, people! We aren’t whores!!

Best Albums of 2010, Part 2

Joe's Top 5 of 2011

joe.sean.carcast@gmail.com (Joe and Sean's CarCast) — Thu, 24 Mar 2011 22:44:00 +0000

Joe's top 5 albums of the year 2011 A.D. (in reverse order):

5. Sleigh Bells - Treats
4. Perfume Genius - Learning
3. Captain Ahab - The End of Irony
2. Swans - My Father Will Guide Me up a Rope to the Sky
1. Titus Andronicus - The Monitor

Best Albums of 2010, Part 1

joe.sean.carcast@gmail.com (Joe and Sean's CarCast) — Thu, 24 Mar 2011 02:25:00 +0000

In this episode: The guys maintain their breakneck pace of new episodes and finally share their best albums of 2010. Well...Joe does at least. Expect Pain. Lots, and lots, of pain.

What album did Joe pick as his best album of 2010? Here's a hint: The enemy...is everywhere.

Best Albums of 2010, Part 1

The Inception (Exposé) Episode

joe.sean.carcast@gmail.com (Joe and Sean's CarCast) — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 19:32:00 +0000

In this episode: The guys unravel the chicanery behind Christopher Nolan’s Inception (and its “coincidental” relation to another movie about dreams made in 1984). What are the secrets of Inception? Find out this episode! Here’s a hint: Look to the poster, where all is revealed!

Note #1: The producers of this podcast acknowledge that the poster created for this "very special episode" is funnier (and more clever) than the broadcast itself. Also, many people have mistaken Barack Obama (in the background left) as a member of the crack team of Dream Invaders. The producers would like to state that this is not the president (it is Jesus) and that this is a very common misconception.

Note #2: This episode is dedicated to Jesse. Our #1 fan.

Note #3: Fuck you, Jordan, and your new movie blog.

The Inception (Exposé) Episode

The Mel Gibson Episode, Part 2

joe.sean.carcast@gmail.com (Joe and Sean's CarCast) — Fri, 17 Dec 2010 18:16:00 +0000

In this episode: Joe and Sean put a stake in the Mel Gibson situation by offering the troubled star some free career advice. One of which should be to stay the fuck away from Winona Ryder. What the fuck?!

The Mel Gibson Episode, Part 2

The Mel Gibson Episode, Part 1

joe.sean.carcast@gmail.com (Joe and Sean's CarCast) — Wed, 01 Dec 2010 19:35:00 +0000

In this episode: Joe and Sean attempt to understand and diagnose the Mel Gibson situation in an attempt to answer that essential question: Can Mel Gibson be saved?

Plus, as a special tribute to their tween fans, Joe and Sean spend a few minutes discussing Kristen Stewart.

As usual, the CarCast remains hard-hitting and topical!

The Mel Gibson Episode, Part 1

The National Episode

joe.sean.carcast@gmail.com (Joe and Sean's CarCast) — Tue, 16 Nov 2010 02:13:00 +0000

Joe comes through again. This time it's an interview with Bryce Dessner of The National. The CarCast recommends that Joe preemptively purchase a box of foot casts because he's about to drop some serious names.

In other news: Sean's left foot and spare rib were recovered from an abandoned locker leased to Joe Hemmerling. Police are still seeking the whereabouts of Mr. Hemmerling and would appreciate any information.

The National Episode

The Health Episode

joe.sean.carcast@gmail.com (Joe and Sean's CarCast) — Thu, 04 Nov 2010 01:27:00 +0000

Joe goes rogue again, deciding once again to play the role of serious journalist, and interviews the band Health.

In other news: Joe has been detained by police in relation to the disappearance of his podcast partner, Sean.

The Health Episode

The Antlers Episode

joe.sean.carcast@gmail.com (Joe and Sean's CarCast) — Wed, 13 Oct 2010 02:14:00 +0000

It's a serious episode. It's all Joe, all the time, as he interviews real bands.

This week it's The Antlers.

In other news: Sean goes missing and the police seek Joe for questioning.

The Antlers Episode

The Lollapalooza Episode (Part Two)

joe.sean.carcast@gmail.com (Joe and Sean's CarCast) — Fri, 01 Oct 2010 01:47:00 +0000

We keep up with our epic pace and release a brand new episode...several weeks after our last one. What can we say. We're diligent.

Lollapalooza, Part 2

The Lollapalooza Episode (Part One)

joe.sean.carcast@gmail.com (Joe and Sean's CarCast) — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 02:40:00 +0000

Finally, a new episode. It's all Lollapalooza, all the time. In Part 1, Joe and Sean talk about...Lollapalooza?

Lollapalooza, Part 1