Joe Shakespeare's Rants

noreply@blogger.com (Hello, I’m Joe Shakespeare.) — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 14:17:00 +0000

Cold

I detest being cold. I’m conflicted about it, because I like snow and I can’t have snow without the cold. Still, though, I really hate being cold. Our forecast for the next week (and we don’t live in Fargo) is most days never above freezing, and a couple days starting below zero. That makes me edgy, and makes me want to eat every carb in sight. It makes me long for TX, too, where they don’t have cold like this. On the other hand, they don’t have much snow. It’s a real craps shoot, I guess. Nobody said a rant was supposed to make sense. That’s the point of a rant, really – just to put it out there. So there it is.

noreply@blogger.com (Hello, I’m Joe Shakespeare.) — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 14:27:00 +0000

Practical

My mother in law (bless her memory) used to ask us this time of year – “What did you get for Christmas that was practical?” She felt that Christmas was all about practicality – getting shoes, wallets, etc. For me, practicality is exactly what I don’t want for Christmas. Jesus got gold, frankincense, and myrrh – not a warm blankey. I got some new toys this year – not practical, but a lot of fun. I love toys (as noted in a previous post). And I got snow this year, too. Family, church, Christmas music, toys, and snow – that’s Christmas for me.

noreply@blogger.com (Hello, I’m Joe Shakespeare.) — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 14:35:00 +0000

Snow

The weather guys say we might actually have snow for Christmas this year. That would be very cool, indeed. I like snow. Not crazy about ice, but I do like snow. I also like to get enough snow to make something with it. I quit making snowmen in college. Since then I’ve made a stegosaurus, turtle, dragon, and a kangaroo. (We don’t get a lot of snow here). This year, I’m thinking about a lighthouse – need a lot of snow for that. Global warming may flood New York, and dry up our food supply. That would be tragic. I would (also) miss playing in the snow.

noreply@blogger.com (Hello, I’m Joe Shakespeare.) — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 14:15:00 +0000

WalMart

It’s classic to say WM is evil, and in many ways they are indeed the very spawn of Satan. They don’t offer their co-workers health insurance, for example, though they can certainly afford it. At this time of year, though, I’m gonna give them props. I shopped in several stores yesterday, and had to wait in long checkout lines for all of them – except WM. 1) They never have more than five folks in any line. 2) They don’t run out of stuff like other joints do. 3) They are always open. 4) They don’t have to “order” anything and wait two weeks for it. 5) They have it all – the Old West’s general store – on steroids. Love ‘em, hate ‘em – WM is America.

noreply@blogger.com (Hello, I’m Joe Shakespeare.) — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 12:46:00 +0000

Popcorn

This is the time of year that cans of popcorn start appearing everywhere you look. Inside is a cardboard divider, separating the stuff into two or more flavor varieties. The good stuff (caramel, cinnamon, etc) gets eaten first, and the crap stuff (plain, butter) gets left until the good stuff is gone. Even then, the crap stuff often gets thrown out or given to the birds. Why don’t they just make tubs of all good stuff, and leave the crap stuff out?

noreply@blogger.com (Hello, I’m Joe Shakespeare.) — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 14:14:00 +0000

88 Gluttony

I’m overweight, but it’s fall and almost winter. Who can actually lose weight this time of year? This is the season when food is the best – sugar, fat, carbs, and huge portions. Everywhere you go – home, work, friends – everyone has tons of good food. Besides, cold weather makes us kick into “hibernating bear mode” – put on a good fat layer to keep warm till spring. January will be here soon enough, and we will all break out the resolutions and gym memberships again. Till then, let’s be a little forgiving.

noreply@blogger.com (Hello, I’m Joe Shakespeare.) — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 22:06:00 +0000

This column started as my place for angry rants. But, I don’t spend a lot of time in rant mode. This one will be just plain sappy. Thanksgiving is this week, and I am a truly thankful guy. I have a pretty and fun wife, and two gorgeous adult children who are happy and high-functioning. I am in the nicest house I’ve ever lived in. I drive a zippy car that is practically new, and is about 2/3 paid for. I have a sweet dog who is practically silent, and a fat kitty who likes to sit on my lap. I have never been unemployed longer than one month in the last 37 years. I enjoy my job, and am paid well for doing it. I have all the toys I like, and have trouble thinking of gifts I either want or need. I am, as they say, truly blessed. TG = 1) thank God, and 2) Thanksgiving.

noreply@blogger.com (Hello, I’m Joe Shakespeare.) — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 00:50:00 +0000

Leaves

I have a love-hate relationship with leaves. Here in the Ozarks, fall is gorgeous due to color-changing leaves. People who drive to New England to see that waste their time and money. But leaves also cover up my grass in the fall. So -- I’m supposed to rake them --- a job I truly dislike. Most often I just mow them, hoping the beast will grind them up small enough to make it look O.K. Our dog, though, has discovered the joy of a backyard full of leaves. She hasn’t done it in previous years, but this year the leaves have awakened her inner puppy. She runs out to whiz, gets distracted by the leaves, flops down in them and rolls around, sticks her legs straight up in the air, and looks over her shoulder as if to say “Daddy – life is sweet!” Part of having kids is they remind you of the simple things in life. With our dog, and our leaves, part of an old joy returns.

noreply@blogger.com (Hello, I’m Joe Shakespeare.) — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 13:55:00 +0000

Halloween

I’m tired of people telling me how I should feel about Halloween. A woman recently confided “God has revealed to me that Halloween is Sutonic!” Really? Did it have anything to do with you being illiterate? I don’t like the dark stuff, either. I can do without the drunks – the guy dressed as a drunken slug who urinated on the sidewalk, as it pooled by my feet. But those folks are around all the time, not just this one night a year. It’s not my favorite holiday, but it IS fun to see an otherwise responsible adult dressed up like a goth Stegosaurus. And -- I get to eat mounds of chocolate that I would otherwise feel guilty about. Let it ride

noreply@blogger.com (Hello, I’m Joe Shakespeare.) — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 01:39:00 +0000

Pride
CS Lewis said that pride is the basis of all human sin – ALL human sin. Don’t know if he’s right or not, but old CSL rarely gets it wrong. Very closely connected to pride is egotism. A startling example of egotism, in my opinion, is the news item that America slammed a satellite into the moon Friday morning. The problem is not only that the bullet cost us $79 million bucks (which it did). Nor is the problem only that we did it to see if ice and water would fly up to be photographed (it didn’t). No, the real problem is that the moon is not ours to slam crap into. The moon doesn’t belong to America, nor to the earth for that matter. The moon is – the moon – not something to experiment with. Don’t get me wrong – I’m NASA’s biggest fan. I think exploration is worth what it costs. I still get misty eyed when rockets successfully launch, and shuttles make it successfully home. But slamming crap into the moon, and leaving our junk on the surface or floating around in space, just because we can – that is pure hubris. CSL would be ashamed, and I am too.

noreply@blogger.com (Hello, I’m Joe Shakespeare.) — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 13:26:00 +0000

Winter prep
I really don’t like prepping for winter. It means all the stuff I like is dying for a few months. Disconnecting garden hoses, draining our fountains, cutting the flowers back, scalping the lawn, checking antifreeze levels, draining the mower, etc – it all depresses me. At this time of year, I envy you folks that live where no prep is needed. You all just go on with your merry lives, oblivious of the fact that winter is coming. The only benefit I can think of, when it comes to me versus you, is that I might get to build a stegosaurus out of snow this winter. Try doing that with your sand, you endless-summer clowns!

noreply@blogger.com (Hello, I’m Joe Shakespeare.) — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 12:45:00 +0000

Cavemen
A recent issue of Men’s Health magazine devoted 15 pages to “eating a whole pig . . . everything but the squeak.” The rest of the year, MH warns guys about eating too much fat, salt, grease, and calories. The truth – we were meant to eat like cavemen. We have teeth especially for tearing and grinding, our guts can process meats efficiently, and we need protein – but beans get tiresome. Let the radicals say what they will – we are cavemen, just wearing better clothes.

noreply@blogger.com (Hello, I’m Joe Shakespeare.) — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 00:45:00 +0000

Public option
Health care money covers my car payments – I can’t be objective about this issue. I can, though, report what I see. Thousands of people who are uninsured and underinsured are treated “for free.” The doctors get paid. The nurses get paid. The medicine bill gets paid. I get paid. Who pays all these folks? You and I do – NOW – the public already pays for these folks, with higher insurance and hospital fees. So, if everyone was insured by somebody, the cost for all of us could possibly go down – all the folks in my hospital who are getting paid, would be reimbursed. I’m simple, but that's pretty simple to me!

noreply@blogger.com (Hello, I’m Joe Shakespeare.) — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 13:39:00 +0000

Unplugged
I spent a big part of the last ten days unplugged – no phone calls, no cell phone possible, no internet, no email, no local or national news. The classic thing is to say I loved it, and it was wonderful. That’s a lie. Being unplugged is very unsettling, at least for me. I had no idea if my kids were OK, if our pets were safe, if my house was still standing, or if the country was in turmoil. Being unplugged from stuff you DON’T like is great, but when it comes to the stuff you DO care about, it’s hard on the mind and soul. Being unplugged, though, sure didn’t keep me from having a great time.

noreply@blogger.com (Hello, I’m Joe Shakespeare.) — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 14:59:00 +0000

Manly men
I have no patience for men in their 40s – 70s who “don’t go to no hospitals, and don’t trust none of them doctors.” Maybe that’s why you’re dying now, huh buddy? These morons wouldn’t miss an oil change on their 4x4s, and probably tune up their own lawn mowers, but preventive maintenance on the most intricate machine they have (their body)? Of course not! I don’t say it, but I’m thinking “Nobody drug you in here this time either, buddy – go ask your buddies at the bar about your chest pain, and bleeding from your ears!” I mean, really!

noreply@blogger.com (Hello, I’m Joe Shakespeare.) — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 13:07:00 +0000

Lists
All of us have at least a touch of OCD. Mine is manifested by lists – I love making them, following them, and marking them off as I go. Without a list, I’m listless (pun intended) and anxious. How will I know if I’ve forgotten something, without a list? If I have the day off tomorrow, I’ll sleep better tonight if I have a list waiting for me in the morning. Even if the list is nothing but: 1) relax, and 2) write, it helps –a reminder when I wake up that there are no pressing events first thing makes me happy. My happy light goes on when I am able to flip a completed list into the trash. I’m not manic about this, of course. With only one or two items, I won’t start a list. Once I have three, though, life gets sweeter. I have my list.

noreply@blogger.com (Hello, I’m Joe Shakespeare.) — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 13:02:00 +0000

Toys
Women love shoes, my woman tells me, because they always fit. No matter how much weight you gain or lose, your shoes always look good. Guys don’t care as much about clothes and shoes. We can go through the Taco Bell drive-through wearing just our underpants, and feel comfortable doing it. For guys, it’s the toys. Here’s my top ten toys, in increasing order of how happy they make me: 10) cell phone, 9) air compressor, 8) GPS, 7) all my cameras, 6) my TV/DVR/CD/DVD system, 5) kitchen aid knife set and stand mixer, 4) giant bicycle, 3) Honda Fit, 2) ASUS netbook, and 1) the big computer. I could Amish, if it wasn’t for all my toys.

noreply@blogger.com (Hello, I’m Joe Shakespeare.) — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 13:28:00 +0000

Whatsa Covet?
We didn’t know what they were, but most houses in our ‘hood had one in their yard. First, we were curious. Then we wondered what they had that we didn’t. Then we wanted one, because apparently folks should have one. Then it made us angry -- they had one, and we didn’t. Now we have one of our very own – a Japanese beetle trap. When the neighbors put empty boxes out for the trash, and we see they have a new TV or fun toy, it starts again. But then I remember that pesky line in the Ten Commandments . . .

noreply@blogger.com (Hello, I’m Joe Shakespeare.) — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 12:41:00 +0000

Done well
I’m in that small category of straight men who don’t watch a lot of sports. I was never very good at them, and the years have not made me any quicker. I ride my bike and play tennis, and that’s about it. I’m impressed, though, by those who know how to play, and play well. To watch the Williams sisters hammer away at the recent Wimbledon match was a wonder. They don’t play like I do. They slam each ball as hard as they can (117mph serves!), grunting or yelling with each hit. And they do that in the heat for 2-3 hours, and don't pass out! I used to say I played tennis like a woman, but one of my opponents said, “No Ken – most women play better than you do.” Sadly, it’s true. I love to play, but I’m no Williams sister. Guess it’s good there’s only room in the world for two of them.

noreply@blogger.com (Hello, I’m Joe Shakespeare.) — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 15:56:00 +0000

Fireworks
There’s probably nothing more financially inefficient than fireworks. How else can you blow $100 in less than an hour, and have absolutely nothing left to show for it? With food and drink, you at least feel full and satisfied. With fireworks, you’re left wanting even more – oh, is it over already? That’s part of the reason why I love them so much. With fireworks, I have great memories instead –my grandmother getting buzzed by a bottle rocket, our driveway catching on fire, the unexpected sonic boom of the scudbuster shell that rocked our ‘hood, the slug that landed in my mouth, the folks who laugh uncontrollably when one goes bad. Fireworks – inefficient – wonderful. I love them!

noreply@blogger.com (Hello, I’m Joe Shakespeare.) — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 17:54:00 +0000

Flying
I love to fly. I’m not real crazy, though, about my fellow flying travelers. What’s behind the push to get on the plane? Why jostle others out of the way, to get a better spot in line? Will this improve your assigned seating position? Will the plane leave earlier, if you get on faster? When it’s time to get off the plane, what’s the point of standing up and clogging the aisle for ten minutes? Does standing in the aisle get you out of the gate thirty seconds faster? Why do I need your rear in my face while we are waiting? What happened to letting old folks and families with children get on and off first? Folks who say civility is circling the drain aren’t whining – they are right!

noreply@blogger.com (Hello, I’m Joe Shakespeare.) — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 18:14:00 +0000

As seen on TV
I live in MO, the “show me state.” Residents of my state are supposed to disbelieve everything until it is shown to be true. But I didn’t grow up in MO. I’m pretty gullible, and normally believe stuff until it is shown to NOT be true. Why would anyone want to lie to me? I bought one of the upside-down tomato planters, and it is doing great. I can’t explain it, but it works. The plant is high in the air, above all the bugs and fungus that like to eat tomatoes. So, I’m sold. All you “negative nancies” out there that question everything you hear – go take a leap! I’ll be eating my tomatoes.

noreply@blogger.com (Hello, I’m Joe Shakespeare.) — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 13:02:00 +0000

Treat yourself
My daughter told me years ago, quite accurately, that I have trouble “treating myself” to things I want. It’s not that I feel unworthy, it’s just that my default setting is to take care of other people’s needs before my own. Part of that is my upbringing, part of it is a religious thing, and part is that I honestly don’t think I have a selfish bone in my body. But I bought myself a treat a couple weeks ago – a small “netbook” computer. I don’t really need one, I just wanted one. If I had actually needed it, I wouldn’t have had the struggle justifying the expense. The thing is my father’s day / birthday gift though, so it’s OK. My new toy is a real peach, and my daughter is right. Sometimes it is very nice to treat yourself.

noreply@blogger.com (Hello, I’m Joe Shakespeare.) — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 13:29:00 +0000

Travel
We are – let’s be honest, pretty fortunate folks. We have stuff and opportunities available to us that others do not. To me, the ability to travel is incredible. I hope I never get used to it, never assume that it’s my right to be able to. After reaching the age of 50 and never having gone to Florida, I’m going twice in one year. This fall I hope to go to the Western Caribbean. My kids have been in Europe, Hawaii, and elsewhere. Though I don’t remember it all, as a child my family traveled to most of the “lower 48.” I love my home and my job, but I also love getting away from both. Whenever you think you’re broke, think about where you’ve been able to go and what you’ve been able to see. I think that’s terrific.

noreply@blogger.com (Hello, I’m Joe Shakespeare.) — Sun, 31 May 2009 13:07:00 +0000

Litter
I never, ever throw trash out the window of my car – but I do throw banana peels. They rot and are gone very quickly, squirrels and ants like to eat them, and I don’t want them smelling up my car. In my opinion, banana peels are not litter. My wife disagrees, and the law might as well. Today, the law (or karma) won. I slung a peel out the passenger window with unusual force, attempting to make it land neatly in the grass beside the road. But I had rolled down the rear window instead of the front one. The peel splatted loudly against the glass, and slowly slid down the window – leaving banana meat all over my freshly scrubbed glass. Now I’m angry, and the law won.