A sense of humour.

No, seriously – it’s going to come as a shock to a lot of sports fans, but you are grumpy, grumpy people, and the best way to enjoy sports is to realise that you, and those taking part, are there not just to compete with the opposition, but to have fun. This is not the National Accounting League, this is game night, and whether you’re watching professional-level partycasino.com/ with a table full of tapas or you’re at the game with a hotdog and a silly hat on, laugh!

We love winding up the stars of sports because you’ll find that they’re often so dramatic and ridiculous that it’s hard not to. There’s an old saying that goes something like “I’d ridicule you, but you’re doing such a good job yourself.” This couldn’t be more true when you’ve got some of the best sports stars in the world throwing fits on the field or engaging in tantrum-like behaviour off of it.

Whether you love baseball, football, soccer, hockey, poker, extreme sports, or pro Scrabble (if it exists, it can be made into a sport – trust us), you’ll know that some of the most popular sporting news and videos are things either going insanely right (see YouTube’s many uploads of Diego Maradona’s legendary goal run) or incredibly wrong (again, YouTube, but the clip of a ball smacking off a pole and into the keeper’s face). It’s priceless, and we love it. So go love it too, and wipe the frown off your face.

The rest of the card features the infamous Rally Squirrel – which gained notoriety during the Cardinals ’11 postseason run.

The card has taken some serious criticism across baseball (some by Schumaker himself), but we’re indifferent.  On one hand, this is an obvious publicity stunt since Topps has been looking for ways to remain relevant since 1990.  On the other hand, St. Louis no longer owns the most absurd celebration of that damn vermin.

According to Beckett, this particular card will be a “short-print”, making it more valuable for collectors  (i.e., grown men who enjoy hustling kids at trade shows).   Schumaker can find comfort in the fact that the majority of his “full-print” cards will feature his face.

But for now, he has to endure the wrath of the squirrel.  But he’s not the only Cardinals player that was short-changed on a piece of Topps cardboard in their 2012 run.  That’s because the Rally Squirrel wasn’t the only notable pest to squirm across Busch Stadium last year.  Our staff at JoeSportsFan was able to track down the OTHER Cardinals Topps baseball card that will be released in limited quantities.

That’s Lance Berkman’s shoes, in the upper right.  The primary focus is on our infamous bare-footed Busch Stadium Field Rusher.

Now that’s a baseball card.

Now, maybe manager, pitching coach and All Star first baseman didn’t exactly align with your Monster.com résumé.  No worries.  May we suggest something a tier down on the professional baseball hierarchy.

St. Louis Cardinals bat boy.

That’s right, the Cardinals are currently looking for a new equipment wrangler.  If you think you have what it takes to wear your first name on a jersey twenty years after Tee Ball, then this is the position for you.

Personally, we like the line about “special” assignments from the Team Manager.  This kid is soooo fetching dead ducks on hunting trips with Mike Matheny and John Mabry.

We also like that being an “outstanding student” is a necessary qualification.  Right, because a passing grade in Chemistry directly relates to excellence in Gatorade powder mixing.  We also enjoy that there’s an minimum age requirement….but no maximum.

[MLB Team Jobs]

The past two years, we’ve been keeping out eye on the local hex of “Alive Magazine“.

Here are the last two Cardinals to appear on the cover.

Now, allow us to recap.

In June 2010, David Freese appeared on the cover of Alive Magazine as the figurehead of their annual “Hot List”.  Four days after the magazine hit local newsstands Freese was put on the 15-day DL after bruising a bone in his right ankle.  Then, during a rehab workout, Freese dropped a weight on his left-foot – at which point, he thought, “Eh, might as well have season-ending ankle surgery.”

Coincidence?  Nope.  Last year, Alive Magazine thought Matt Holliday was totally “Hot List” worthy and slapped him on the cover of their May 25th issue.  Less than a week later, Holliday was sent to the DL after tweaking his quad.  He missed over two weeks in a season bridled with odd injuries.

Apparently, Alive Magazine hasn’t learned from their bad magazine mojo because they popped David Freese on ANOTHER cover.

Damn you, Alive Magazine.

The World Series MVP has appeared everywhere from the Ellen Degeneres Show to the Country Music Awards this off-season, but this is too much.  Not Alive Magazine.  Anything but Alive Magazine.  There are unpreventable consequences at stake here.

Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Given that the aforementioned is false, we’re guessing that the card shown above is Photoshopped.  Shocking and a little disappointing, we know.  It’s a little like finding out that Steve Savard isn’t a cyborg.

Yet, in this obsessive culture of being FIRST! at everything, fictional baseball cards are just a part of the industry.  But we say, if you’re going to be completely ridiculous with creating events that never happened, you might as well go completely off the reservation.

Rally Mongey.

If the Angels start selling Pujols Rally Mongeys, we may have to start rooting for #5 in a Los Angeles jersey.  Or, at the very least, for him not to rupture an achilles during Spring Training.

Let’s start there.

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Like many conversations involving notable nose beards, this one was quick to draw attention of Dr. Aaron Perlut chairman of the St. Louis-based American Mustache Institute. Perlut – a frequent contributor on JoeSportsFan.com – called in unsolicited to The King’s Court to discuss the challenges faced by mustached Americans and soon found himself drawn into a debate with Slaten.

What follows is the audio of said debate, now known as the “Stache/Off”:

Even as a former mustache-wearer, Slaten refused to offer an special treatment to those sporting upper lip forests in 2012.

In other words, prepare yourself, Jeff Fisher. You won’t get off easy.

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While Cardinal fans and media pondered options, it appeared that Beltran himself was undecided the night before his scheduled appearance.

Then again, maybe Beltran was deciding whether or not to take Edgar Renteria, Gary Gaetti, Brendan Ryan, Kiko Calero and Trever Miller to the “LOST” island.  Take note: if we ever have a chance to cross-reference Cardinal jersey numbers and LOST, we’re going to take it every time.

Anyway, Beltran ultimately decided to go with the #3.

The majority of fans were excited about Beltran’s choice because your best players (really, in any sport) typically wear single-digit numbers (editor’s note: not including JD Drew).  Nevertheless, we strongly opposed this choice.

Why?

Well, let’s take a gander at the last seven (read: SEVEN!!) Cardinals to wear the #3.

Sure, both Theriot and Preston Wilson won World Championships with their respective clubs, but the #3 has been an island of misfit toys since Edgar Renteria left for greener pastures after making the last out in the ’04 World Series.

In six season with the Cardinals, Renteria amassed 903 games played with the Cardinals.  Since he bolted, the stumps seen above have played a total of 678 games over seven seasons in the #3 uniform.

We don’t wish mediocrity upon Carlos Beltran, but he’s been warned.

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The event aims for structure.  Fans file in through a common entrance.  As do the media.  Everything is on a schedule; from main stage presentations to player autograph and photo sessions.  But things change.  On Saturday, it was announced that fan-favorite Yadier Molina would not be appearing this year, despite selling out of the event’s second-highest priced autograph ticket.

Thus, organizers have to adapt.  They have to please.  Announcements must be made.  And what better way to remain agile than a giant whiteboard?

In the past, we suggested that the absence of Tony La Russa and Albert Pujols would bring a renewed sense of honesty and transparency to the Cardinals organization.

We just didn’t think it would come this soon.  Or, at least via Dry Erase markers.

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It’s been awhile since the Cardinals had a strong cast of young, entertaining and performant players on their roster.  The Cardinals 2012 roster is primed with these types of personalities.  Allen Craig, Daniel Descalso and David Freese, to name a few, fit this mold.  They regularly interact with fans, joke with the media and engage in public forums like Twitter.

Although, this bi-directional communication with the public has its disadvantages.  Case in point: what transpired Wednesday afternoon via Twitter.

We can neither confirm nor deny if @zummy66 chuckled like Dr. Evil after sending the above tweet to the 2011 World Series MVP, but we know one thing: this type of behavior needs to stop.  Sure, David Freese politely responded and provided clarity that the wings at Mulligan’s Grill in Ellisville are actually quite tasty.  But that’s because David Freese is a nice guy.  We’re less courteous.

Let’s all agree; right here, right now.

Notifying any human being, famous athlete or not…after they’ve consumed food that you’ve prepared in a public restaurant…is a little creepy.

On the scale of most egregious Twitter behavior, it’s slightly ahead of asking an athlete for tickets…but below asking an athlete to retweet you on your birthday.  Those people need to not have any more birthdays.

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What we do know is that five caravans are headed out to various regions this week and each will include some legit big league names. Not always the case.  The same event in 2005 featured Bo Hart, Mike Lincoln, Carmen Cali, Ray King and John Mabry as the big league talent – not exactly a murderers row.

If ever there was a time to line up some serious talent to hit the road, it’s after a World Series when the fans are drooling at the thought of attending any team related event. With that in mind, we pulled the event roster from the last post-World Series Caravan and compared it to this year’s in some key categories to test our theory that the Cardinals road trip has stepped up its game the last few years…

Major League Talent
2012: The World Series MVP, the guy who recorded the final out of the World Series, the team’s #2 starter last season, that lefty whose name you can’t spell or pronounce, heck even the newly hired manager will be out on the road mingling with Cardinals fans.  Head to any of the Caravan stops and you’ll run into some names you watched last season – Motte, Rzepczynski, Boggs, Jay, Descalso, Freese, Garcia, Salas are amongst those who will be in attendance. 

2007: Well, hey at least J-Rod was there teaching middle America how to act like an extra on an episode of Jersey Shore. Outside of him you had names like Randy Flores, Brendan Ryan, Anthony Reyes, Brad Thompson, Josh Kinney, Tyler Johnson and Aaron Miles.  Not much star power in that bunch. 

Edge: 2012

World Series Hero Factor:
2012: For a kid to have pen in hand, standing in front of the guy who made Game 6 one of the greatest of all time would be a pretty good reason to meet up with Caravan 3 in Columbia this year. David Freese is a solid draw these days – just ask Jay Leno.

2007: Jeff Weaver wasn’t invited and David Eckstein was probably rescuing puppies from a burning building or something equally charming, so of the lineup the 2007 Caravan offered, the name taking the role of World Series hero had to be Anthony Reyes, who led the Birds to a big Game 1 victory in Detroit.

Edge: 2012. That is of course unless you just really wanted to ask Anthony Reyes what hair product he used (looking at Sebek right now).

Prospect Hype
2012: Going into the 2011 season, Shelby Miller checked in at the #13 spot on the Baseball America prospect list. But in addition to that, fans now get to interact with him on Twitter which means we get to respond when he solicits input about his hair.  It’s like they already know each other!

  
2007: When the 2007 Caravan headed out, Colby Rasmus was #29 on the list, but quickly jumped into the Top 5 the following year.  So everyone who got his signature had it stored away waiting for him to become the star he was destined to become.  Then he got shipped to Toronto and everyone headed to eBay.
 
Edge: Push

Scrappers
2012: Official listings have Shane Robinson coming in at 5’9″, 160lbs, so he’s got the measurables to be considered a scrapper.  But with only 20 games to this point in his career, he’s sorely lacking in the head first slides into first base category.  We’ll see what he can do this season.

2007: Skip Schumaker and Aaron Miles were involved. Say no more. 

Edge: 2007

Retired Veterans
2012: The list of veterans in 2012 has expanded to the point where the only ones there in 2007 that aren’t going again this year are Ken Dayley and Kenny Reitz. That said, they’re also adding on names like Kerry Robinson and John Costello to tag along.  Apparently retired Cardinals players love them some free bus rides through the Midwest.

2007: Unless Ken Dayley and Kenny Reitz have significantly more drawing power than we would suspect, this is an uphill battle for the 2007 crew.

Edge: 2012

Retired Veteran Scrappers
2012: As mentioned earlier, Rex Hudler is going on this trip and, despite only playing three seasons in St. Louis, he may get a standing ovation which is the ultimate payoff for a scrapper.

2007: If someone else flipped their bat like Tom Lawless after he hit a homerun in the ’87 World Series it probably would have been categorized as completely disrespectful to the Twins pitcher.  But Lawless was short and white, hit .080 during the season and played in St. Louis.  The bat flip is legendary.

Edge: 2012

Unintentional Confusion
2012: Guarantee that someone in Mattoon, IL sees the lineup for their Caravan stop, reads the name “Carpenter” and is freaking pumped that the Game 7 winner is headed to their city to sign autographs and radiate intensity.  Then they arrive and see the nameplate reading “Matt Carpenter”. No offense, Matt, but getting the wrong Carpenter can sting.

2007: We’re positive that someone introduced themselves to Randy Flores by saying “Hi, Ron”. Even more confusing was that the Cardinals signed Ron Flores a few years later.

Edge: 2012

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So its official - with more big name talent, more retired star-power, the hero factor, prospect hype and Rex Hudler all working in its favor, it’s clear that 2012′s Caravan will be a notch above the last time it headed out after a World Series victory. 

If only they can get Carmen Cali to come aboard, it might match the 2005 version. 

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