Joe Writes Stuff

2012-08-26T15:19:00.001-05:00

2012-08-26T15:12:00.001-05:00

Movie Monday: Cobra

2011-07-10T18:08:00.007-05:00

Although Stallone has given us 2 of the most-loved action movie franchises, Rambo and Rocky, he has also turned out some other gems in his time.

My personal favorite will always be "Cobra". Cobra made me want to be a rouge, vigilante cop (which is a dream I still need to work on).

Look at this guy.

Note to self: Start chewing a match

From the 80's to the early-mid 90's, awesome guy movies were made. Although there are still some good guy movies being churned out there, nothing will ever compare to me. These movies were filled with stereotypes, cheesy one-liners, on-screen boobs for no reason and needless explosions. Current action films try to hard to be "serious" and I can't subscribe to that.

Cobra drives a bad-ass old Mercury.

He uses a 1911 .45 with cobra grips (it was actually a 9mm prop gun)

He enjoys a cold beer like any real man.

and delivers awesome one-liners such as:

"You're the disease, and I'm the cure."

"You know what's bad for your health? Me."

Supermarket Killer: Get back! I got a bomb here! I'll blow this whole place up!"

Cobra: "Go ahead. I don't shop here."

If you want a riveting, well-written, thought-provoking and award-winning move to watch, go get "The King's Speech" or "The Piano" or some crap. Also, go shave your legs, Nancy.

If you want everything that is awesome, go watch Cobra.

Movie Monday

2011-07-10T18:06:00.002-05:00

I am going to try to have some sort of re-occurring post topics on here and I am going to start with Movie Monday. If you have any suggestions please feel free to send them to me. I will either review the movie, or make fun of you. Reader beware ;)

Friday the 13th NES

2011-07-07T05:23:00.013-05:00

Did anyone have this game as a child?

I did not.

However, I did rent it from Movie Gallery and Rabbit Records about 10,000 times. Of those 10,000 times I rented it I never completed it.

You could play one of six different teen-aged camp counselors at a time. All but 2 (1 girl and 1 guy) were 100% worthless. The fat guy deserved to die immediately. He couldn't do anything and made me, as a fat kid, feel worthless.

The cream of the summer job crop.

You started out the game with a pretty sweet weapon, the rock.

It worked like this...you threw it at whatever was trying to kill you (zombies mostly, even though there wasn't any sort of zombie outbreak in the Ft13th movies). The rock travels in an arc that invariably goes right over the zombie's head unless you duck or only attack them when they are really far away, or really close to you. Oh yeah, you have to hit the zombies 3 times with this weapon. So unless you are playing Chrissy or Mark, who are Olympians compared to the others, you might die fighting the first couple of enemies you see on the screen.

Here is Laura, about to die immediately.

The good news is you can find several better weapons, including a knife, ax, machete, torch and pitchfork. They are found by randomly jumping around and some only appear after certain achievements are completed. What are those achievements? Nobody knows, so don't ask me.

Sometimes a highly annoying beeping sounds occurs. What does that mean? It means Jason is about to kill one of the counselors off-screen or some of the 15 children who's parents were dumb enough to send their kids to Crystal Lake. You have a choice of either going to save the day (and get killed by Jason) or letting Jason murder whoever he wants. All choices suck. If you let the kids all die you get this ray of sunshine.

All the kids are freaking dead.

This is obviously in the awesome 80's and not the pansy nowsies.

If Jason attacks a counselor and you do nothing, you lose a player character and can get this screen.

If I am dead, how can I read this?

As with many old-school NES games, this game was amazingly hard. I remembered finally "beating" it while at Josh Stokes' house one night. We were so excited that we had finally killed Jason. Well guess what? We didn't kill him. We just beat him for one "night".

HUH!?!?!?!

Cool, now you get to go kill Jason 2 more times...and each time he gets faster and stronger.

I did mention that it is VERY hard to kill him on Day 1, right?

If you are amazing at video games i.e. using a Game Genie, you can beat Jason 3 times and get this screen.

This should prepare you for a lifetime of disappointing returns on hard work.

Also, you cheated. I was very good at being a dorky, video-game-playing fat kid and

I couldn't do this.

Nowadays, this game could get you put in jail for Child Abuse...unless you are Casey Anthony.

Fun and Rewarding

2011-07-01T09:52:00.002-05:00

Got nothing better to do with your free time? Start stacking dominoes. This guy did and it has become a fun and rewarding hobby.

Check out the video if you don't believe me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPjddqhB7f8

HAHA! Psyche! This hobby sucks.

He says it only took him about 30 hours of actual work, so no big loss.

NOOOOOOOO!

2011-07-01T09:11:00.003-05:00

http://www.metro.us/newyork/blog/post/865405--ghostbusters-firehouse-could-close

I just recently heard that the Firehouse the Ghostbusters worked out of is set to be closed. If I had an Ecto-Cooler, I would pour one out for you, Ladder 8.

However....every cloud has a silver lining. Maybe now it will go for sale and Bryan Parker, Josh Stokes, Josh Beverly and myself can purchase it and play Ghostbusters all the time. *Sigh* Yes, I will be Winston again.

Really? Yeah really!

2011-06-30T08:36:00.004-05:00

Colon Flow? Did I just see an ad for something called Colon Flow while at the gym? Was Crap Creator already copyrighted? I had every intention of coming on this blog and making fun of this product without mercy, but as I sat here typing jokes it hit me. I love the fact that Colon Flow tells you EXACTLY what it is here for. There's no pretentiousness here. I see commercials for drugs that have a handsomely-aged man with perfect salt-and-pepper hair. He is working on a classic muscle car (because all guys get one at age 40 according to the television) and then he is driving it down a scenic road on a cliff with the ocean in the background. The announcer starts talking about something called "Axelpra". He tells you that the side-effects include dry-mouth, vomiting, diarrhea, dizziness, amnesia, the inability to say the word "cheese", your eyelids may fall off and death. Ok, so you have listed all the side-effects, but what does Axelpra do? Does it make you work on cars better? Does it make you a handsome 45-year old male? I guess they are about to tell us. Wait, it faded to black and now a Geico commercial is on. That's it? "Ask my doctor about Axelpra!?" I won't even ask my doctor about the bone sticking out of my leg after a car wreck.

With all of that being said, thank you Colon Flow. I appreciate your honesty and so does this lady...

Baby you're a firework...

2011-06-28T08:15:00.002-05:00

I have decided that I want to own a firework stand. On 231, south of Montgomery, there is a HUGE fireworks warehouse. This building sits empty and unused 48 weeks out of the year and is quite large. How much is the rent on this building? You can pay that for a year by being open for 4 weeks and selling bottle rockets to rednecks!??!?!

How is that possible? I also saw a sign that said "Buy 1 get 4 Free"..... So let me get this straight...you sell a product that you only sell for one month a year, can afford to give away 4 for every 1 you sell, and still pay for an expensive building and make profit?

Sign me up....

P.S.- A very special THANK-YOU to all of the Chinese children that make fireworks for 13 cents a day so that my friends and I can drink beer on a boat and shoot fireworks to celebrate our independence. That is until your country takes over.

Starting over...

2011-06-25T16:28:00.002-05:00

I have decided that it is time to give this another go. I used to enjoy blogging immensely, but really got out of the habit. It really is a shame for you, my loyal readers, to miss out on all of the wonderful things I have to say. So, here goes nothing... I am starting this puppy back up and i hope you guys enjoy.

Thanks

New Joint-Venture Blog

2010-06-13T11:10:00.003-05:00

Hey Guys! I know I have really been dropping the ball when it comes to blogging, but I would like all of that to change in the near future. Mary Margaret has decided that she wants to start a blog and has asked me to help her with it. How could I say no to this face?

So please check us out at http://deepsouthfoody.blogspot.com

Mountain Dew FAIL

2009-05-01T07:18:00.003-05:00

As I walked into a gas station on my way to Prattville last night, I saw something that instantly caught my attention. A bottle of Mountain Dew with the old school label. "What's up with this?" I wondered. It was a Mountain Dew Throwback which is made with real sugar instead of High Fructose Corn Syrup. This is supposedly the old formula used in the 70's. I hate to say that as a child of the 80's, I have been weened on HFCS instead of real sugar. It was the worst Mountain Dew I have ever tasted. I was devastated. I can't talk about it anymore I am getting too sad.

Great Swine Flu Comic (Click on the pic to zoom)

2009-04-28T06:09:00.000-05:00

Swine Flu

2009-04-27T10:29:00.000-05:00

So what's the story with these different animal flus and the sudden "epidemics"?

(Inside a labratory 2 scientists are sitting around, smoking cigarettes and talking...)

Scientist 1: "You know that new strain of flu we discovered in that dirty, third-world country."

Scientist 2: "You mean the one nobody cared about until it affected someone from a industrialized country?"

Scientist 1: "Yes. Not the first one, from a few years ago, but the new one?"

Scientist 2: "Ah yes. Influenza A (H1N1)."

Scientist 1: "Well we have to re-name it. H1N1 just doesn't roll off the tounge."

Scientist 2: "Well, let's ask the Flu Naming Computer."

(Scientist 1 pulls the blue handle)

See n Say....err Flu Naming Computer: "The pig says "OINK!"

Scientist 1: "Eureka! That's it! SWINE FLU!"

Scientist 2: "I bet we can start mass hysteria with this one!"

Scientist 1: "No way. SWINE FLU can be avoided by simple hygenie such as covering your mouth when you sneeze or washing your hands."

Scientist 2: "Who cares? Remember Bird Flu?"

Scientist 1: "HA HA HA! Bird flu! That was a good one!"

Scientist 2: "Dude, let's totally do this, then go get some Chinese food."

Why aren't they using cooler scarier names for these flus since they are so terrible?

Like the T-Virus or something?

Shown Above: Swine Flue according to the media

Off topic: Rest in peace Bea Arthur! Stay Golden and thank you for being a friend!

Ode to Buffalo Wild Wings

2009-04-23T08:58:00.000-05:00

Oh how I hate you.
You are on the very short list of restaurants that I cannot stand in Montgomery.
Your service is the worst in town.
You sell wings that take 5 minutes to fry and 45 minutes to get to your table and then they are NOT the correct sauce.
You do not honor coupons if too many people try to use them.
It is so dark inside, that I had to hold the menu out at arm's-length in the feeble ray of sunshine coming through the window, just to read it.
I am going to go ahead and say it...I hate you more than Applebee's and THAT is the ultimate restaurant insult.

Miserable Cat

2009-04-23T07:47:00.000-05:00

I have seen this rough looking old tomcat around our neighborhood on several occasions. He appears to be old enough to have fought in the civil war.

Pictured above: Miserable cat circa 1863

He only has one ear, one eye is half closed, he limps and he has patches of fur missing. Kinda like this cat, but orange and with fewer ears and less fluff more mattedness.

He had no name until the other day, MM saw him just sitting out in the rain "looking miserable". Since then he has been dubbed, "Miserable Cat".

Miserable Cat brings me so much joy. Watching him limp around being miserable. He often fights with the other cats in the neighborhood and meows loudly at them, much to my amusement.

Most of the cats in the neighborhood take off running when they see our dog, Bolt. That running away crap is for lesser cats. MC isn't having none of that. He stands his ground even when cornered by Bolt. Bolt, sensing MC's wisdom and experience, won't come within about 2 feet of MC but would gladly eat the other cats in the neighborhood.

Welcome!

2009-04-09T09:15:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone!
I am starting a new blog. It's been years since I did one of these. I am going to discuss multiple things, this is a general-purpose blog.
I hope you all enjoy, feel free to comment or whatever.