Photo Credit

According to Martha Beck, there are two ways people handle their emotions: Acting while refusing to talk, and talking while refusing to act.  She defines people who talk, talk, talk, talk rather than act as “story fondlers” -  and people who act, act, act rather stopping, feeling or thinking as “fire fleers.”

We fire fleers are pain avoiders. We put off, ignore, avoid or repress our suffering, keep it to ourselves. And, when we are genius and brilliant fire fleers, we manage to keep our pain hidden – even from ourselves- until we can’t.

Story Fondlers are those who recount their tales of woe endlessly to as many as will hear.  They are easy to spot by seeing the panicked “I-can’t-escape” look in the eyes of their listeners.

We fire fleers are desperately afraid of being story-fondlers.  The idea of imposing or inflicting our pain on anyone else feels, well, just plain yucky. We get so adept at handling things (or at lest giving the semblance of handling things) that we even hide how bad we feel from ourselves.  Here’s the problem:

When you flee from your pain, you don’t get the messages that your emotions are desperately trying to send you.

Your emotions are what Abraham refers to as your “internal guidance system.”  They are your GPS — factory installed — you already are in possession of them.  When you are feeling down and are avoiding, ignoring or repressing these emotions,  you limit your ability to receive information that could really help you out and provide relief.   Giving yourself permission to feel is the first step:

Create a B*ITCH Board:

B – Bring

I – Illumination

T – To

C – Courageous

H – Honesty

You may be familiar with Vision Boards – a visual medium where you select pictures from magazines that appeal to your heart, cut them out, paste them on poster board and hang for daily inspiration and manifestation.  The B*ITCH Board is similar.  The difference is in the choice of pictures you select:  allow them to resonate with the discontent that you are feeling.

Creating a B*ITCH Board leads to some Wows.

You may have noticed that, after repeated efforts to keep emotions at bay, you may be cranky, short tempered, reacting to circumstances and others in a way that may not be typical for you when you are letting the emotions flow.  In creating this board, you get a chance to clean out your emotional home.  If it is cluttered with emotional charge, you leave little room to allow all of those dreams and desires you are so longing for in your life.

I created my first B*ITCH Board about a year ago.  I didn’t want to admit that a close friendship had arrived at the end of the road.  I couldn’t find anything to appreciate about the relationship.  I was scared of losing the closest girlfriend I had.  After tolerating crankiness far too long, I sat down and did a B*ITCH Board.

I acknowledged that I missed the friendship we had had, that I didn’t appreciate being manipulated, that I missed the ease of our conversations, the uplifting, the mutual inspiration, that I feared I would not find another who would ever appreciate or get the real me.  Doing a B*ITCH Board allowed me to let the grief flow through me, have a messy old snot-fest over this loss and release my attachment to the past.

Then I did a Vision Board.

Because I chose to acknowledge the crud that had built up with me and released it, and followed it with clarity on what it was I was looking for, I have attracted into my circles an amazing array of girlfriends — all of which share an understanding of mutual support and love.  At our team events, Dr. Christiane Northrup has often stated this credo: “Community = Immunity.”  I believe firmly in that.  Having spent decades as a lone wolf, I recognize the value and power of an uplifting and inspiring community where the basic understanding is that a rising tide uplifts all ships.  This is a miraculous shift. And I really credit the B*ITCH Board!

By giving myself  permission to feel what I was trying to avoid, I found the space and energy to create my own new beginning.

And you can too.

If you are a Fire Fleer, do a B*ITCH Board followed by a Vision Board.  It is important that you do BOTH back to back.  Stopping at the B*ITCH Board will put you in Story Fondler mode and keep you stuck.  Create space by releasing first to create the fertile ground upon which to sow your desires. This will  help you to find the relief you are seeking in order to ignite your courage to be the change you wish to see in the world!

Share below your experiences with the B*ITCH/Vision Board Combo.  We all learn from each other!

I was all set to let go, bid farewell, say adios, au revoir, auf wiedersehen, later. I digress.  I was expecting an easy exit.

And then the landlord handed the security deposit over to me, smiling.

It was $50 short.

The old me would have been quiet, taken the check (despite the mistake), smiled, left and cursed him and his family to damnation for all eternity all the way home.  Then, to ensure complete annihilation, I would have hidden my shame and self-loathing in a bottle of wine.

If you think I walked away this time, you’d be wrong.

I pointed out the error.

He retorted that I had quoted this amount in a text — although he had received a typewritten copy of my 30-day notice a month prior with the correct amount. (It was true– I had made an error in the text sent to him.)  Then, he pointed out a piece of onion skin I had missed in my cleaning in the back of the fridge…..

I stood quietly.  Are you fecking kidding me?????  This wasn’t right. He was willing to, knowingly, cheat me out of what was rightfully mine?????  And sleep at night??????

I should have been angry.

I should have been upset.

But I was surrounded by an unusual sense of calm.  I extended my arm, check in hand and from deep within me heard my voice, low, slow, and emphatically say, “Just write the check.”

He did.

I placed the keys on the counter (it didn’t even cross my mind to slam them down.)

I turned around and quietly walked away.

Learn from this story and from many, many people who have accepted injustices when they never thought they would.

Your security comes from you.

Figure out your talents and gifts now and find or create the confidence that expresses your true nature. You create your security – by doing things you love and providing that to people who need it.

Standing unabashedly for your true nature is a gift. 

It is the response to a silent prayer.

It tells you that the universe has been listening to you.

It gives you permission to finally start doing something that expresses the real you.

Grieve the loss of the old self. Grieve the loss of your “wasted years.”  Do some mental and heart-based re-jigging. Put aside your ego and false pride. Embrace your truth.

Celebrate the freedom that is coming.

Take the keys to the prison, escape from the dungeon, dare to decide to recreate your life.

The universe has given you permission.

Be grateful that you can finally glimpse the joy and hope that is waiting for you just around this corner.

Embrace the gift and celebrate.

Share below on the blog your thoughts about this, your best tips for people who’ve dealt with injustices and your experiences with standing up for yourself. I love to hear from you!

Whether it was spending an entire week in Oregon with the Rosas doing an intensive Black Belt Nia training, surrounded by my Sister Goddesses at the School of Womanly Arts, immersed in Expressive Arts with my paint, Craypas, paper, journal and music, learning from women who were building their businesses and defining the next stage of their lives through USANA and Team Northrup, studying to become a Certified Professional Coach through ICA, or gathering like-minded girlfriends to share or talk each other off our self-made challenge-laden ledges — they all provided the questions I needed to answer to arrive to who I am today.

This Mother’s Day, win a Mummy’s Day Coaching Giveaway — sample and enjoy the subtlety and power coaching FREE for a month!

This amazing giveaway–which is open to all women who are looking to “ignite their courage to change” — includes 4 Free coaching sessions with yours truly to help you fan the flames of your desires.

How to win? It’s easy-breezy lemon squeezy! From May 6th-12th, “Like” The Inspiration Coach on Facebook and share your answer under the comments section below to “What would I do this year if I had no fear?” We’ll draw a winner at random on Mother’s Day!

However, for the last two years I’ve heard this buzz about Danielle LaPorte.  She definitely has aroused my curiosity.  I wasn’t entirely certain who she was, but her work has now come out as a hardcover book  The Fire Starter Sessions: A Soulful + Practical Guide to Creating Success on Your Own Terms.  My copy showed up on my doorstep on Saturday.

I thought I’d vlog my impressions on it this week.  Here are my two cents on the very first chapter “Declaring Your Superpowers.”  Share your impressions – or funny comments on this version of my face…

You can download a PDF, 10 Tips to Using Fear as Rocket Fuel to Propel Yourself to Greatness to keep handy as a reference.

If you know what is calling to be birthed by you, what is your greatest fear around making it happen?  What is best tip for others who are looking to propel themselves to greatness?  Let me know on the blog!  If you don’t know, what is your biggest obstacle?  I love your comments, so post them here on the blog.

Last week I met my very good friend  and Health Coach, Kelly Pickering,  for an early morning walk.  We talked life and business.  Having experienced her talent, dedication and love, first hand, I encouraged her to begin to blog as a way to share her wisdom with communities at large.

You would have thought I’d asked her to hand over her first born.

I remember feeling this fear when I wrote down my first words: betraying a legacy of silence  handed to me by the women in my family – use my voice?  Hell no – my 5 year-old self knew that was too big a risk to take.  Besides, I had no talent, no time, no worth.

Some of us need a structure to build enough confidence to launch our voices to the world.  (Download this week’s worksheet to help you at the bottom of the page)  Here are my tips to get you started:

• Coming up with and Choosing a Topic – What interests you?  What makes you laugh?  What pulls at your heartstrings?  Get yourself a timer and for 10 minutes straight, make a non-stop list of all of the topics that interest you.  When the timer goes off, you are done.  As you re-read your topics, some may have you feeling “Meh” (my son’s version of “whatever”).  Cross those babies right off.  Let your eyes linger over your list.  Let the topic jump off the page – don’t question, just say “yes.”
• Play Twenty Questions – Set your timer for another 10 minutes.  In that time, come up with 20+ questions you may have on the topic.  Write them down.
• You are Your Own Expert - once you have your questions down, answer them.  You may find that you happen not to have the answer for some of them.  That’s why Bing and Google are in existence.  Let your fingers do the walking.  Find the answers that you need…  You’ve pretty much written it by this point.  Now comes the fine tuning…
• The Opening Lines – I was once told that if you don’t capture your reader’s interest in the first two lines, they’ll move on.  First impressions matter. Play with questions, provocative statements, a joke….
• Making Your Point - a post needs to have a point. If it’s just an intriguing title and opening you’ll get people to read – but if the post doesn’t ‘matter’ to them it’ll never get traction.  Organize your information in a way that follows a logical sequence, flows.  Once you’ve writen version 1.0 – send it to your best friend for feedback.
• Adding Substance – before publishing your post – ask yourself how you could add depth to it and make it even more useful and memorable to readers?  A link to a book?  Youtube? Music? A quote?
• Damage control -  small mistakes can interfere with your reader’s enjoyment. Spend time fixing errors and making a post ‘look’ good can really give it the juju you are looking for.
• Bless and Release – once you’ve sent your post into the internet stratisphere, LET GO.  You’ll want to re-read it, criticize it, delete it, deconstruct it, judge yourself for it.   DON’T – believe me.  You don’t think Van Vogh wanted to paint “Starry Night” all over again after it became public?

First, I want to thank you for all your amazing response to last week’s Monday Mind Shift.   My reaction to the outpouring of encouragement went something like this:

When you decide to start over it’s always from a new “X Marks the Spot”.  Not all of the things you have hung on to will fit the new life you are choosing to carve out for yourself.  And, if you are hang-on-to-it-you-never-know-when-it-will-come-in-handy kind of gal (like yours truly) letting go is not going to a picnic.  So, here is part two of the things you may wish to dump.  #1 on this week’s top ten purging list:

I have been sifting and sorting through the last two years’ accumulation: deciding upon which things to bring along with me, which to leave behind.  Many are material possessions.  Others, not – grief bore fruits of awareness that I would never otherwise have experienced – so I bless and release….

Today, I share with you the “life lessons” and baggage it’s been best to purge before moving forward.  (There are two parts to this posting accounting for the shitload of learning that has taken place.)

1. People who drain your energy.  The older you get, the less tolerance you may find you have for these people.   If you are unsure who they might be, ask yourself this quick question (while in their presence or right after you leave): “Do I feel energized from being with this person?”  If the answer comes back a resounding “no,” you may wish to reconsider limiting your time with them.  Instead, seek to surround yourself with like-minded ones who inspire, support and uplift you.

9. Feeling Uncomfortable in Your Skin.  Last night I was coaching a client who remarked that she had come to realize this past week that EVERYTHING in her life hinged upon her health:  her career, her finances, her relationships…. Your health is your life.  Don’t let it go – make your health a priority, Stat!    If this is tough to do on your own, hire a coach to partner with you.  In the meantime, you might find The 4-Hour Body a great read on the topic.

There’s more to come – What? You’d think I was done purging? No way! Share the things you are wanting to or have already purged that have made your life a more pleasure place to live! Don’t be shy now, SHARE!

If your are beginning to practice something you dream of, but are uncertain of achieving it; if you are trying something new, and keep making mistakes; if you are afraid and feeling hesitant… believe in yourself.  I do.

This week’s worksheet is called Receiving The Help You Need.   It’ll help you identify the kind of help you need to achieve your dreams.   Download it here.

There’s nothing more for me to add here, so watch the video below.  It plasters a huge smile on my face each time I see it!

And of course, share below!  Your stories help us all find the inspiration we need to move closer to our own dreams – it is in creating a supportive and loving community (even a virtual) that we find our courage to change.  So, share!