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2006-11-03T17:05:00.000Z

Inappropriate Takeover

2006-09-12T16:19:00.000+01:00

I made this for the Corporate Disasters image challenge on b3ta. It's what would happen if Dorling Kindersley took over the publication of the book 'Islam: A Short History'.

B3ta post

Bob Dylan: The worlds most prolific spammer?

2006-08-24T11:57:00.000+01:00

Up until quite recently the world of spam has been all "Hello, I'm a the son of a Nigerian Diplomat" and "SAVE 82%: VIAGR*, AMBIE*, CIALI*, XANA*, RIVOTRI*, LEVITR*, CIPRO, MERIDI*, CELEBRE*, VALIU*". The trend at the moment, however, seems to be for these emails to contain an apparently random selection of words sitting at the bottom of them or sometimes acting as the sole content. Previously I had thought this random and disjointed text, though beautiful in its own way, to be the result of random text generators bunging together words and extracts from other texts in an attempt to trick junk mail filters into believing that theses inbox swamping annoyances were written by real people.

That was before I came across and purchased the book Tarantula. It was then that I discovered that the musician, poet, artist, genius, epitome of cool and author of this particular book, Bob Dylan, is actually responsible for this apparent nonsense and may in fact be the most prolific spammer in the world.

To prove my point, compare this extract from Tarantula:

aretha/ crystal jukebox queen of hymn & him diffused in drunk transfusion wound would heed sweet soundwave crippled & cry salute to oh great particular el dorado reel & ye battered personal god but she cannot she the leader of whom when ye follow, she cannot she has no back she cannot . . . beneath black flowery railroad fans & fig leaf shades & dogs of all nite joes, grow like arches & cures the harmonica battalions of bitter cowards, bones & bygones while what steadier louder the moans & arms of funeral landlord with one passionate kiss rehearse from dusk & climbing into the bushes with some favorite enemy ripping the postage stamps & crazy mailmen & waving all rank & familiar ambition than that itself, is needed to know that mother is not a lady . . . aretha with no goals, eternally single & one step soft of heaven/ let it beunderstood that she owns this melody along with her emotional diplomats & her earth & her musical secrets

With this:

with Pickup. This replica rugged men who played during era leather helmets knickers. Measures inches long The line popular monster trucks. Finely detailed right down shocks that comprise takes backseat one. Stark colors logos liberal Few cars general sportster loved With vivid hood roof side panels doors makes great addition kids toy Rooftop Santa pitter patter feet rooftop jolly gents return Sixth series much moment holiday lore. Spread good cheer reason not satisfied within days full refund asked Alba. fits Nascar racetrack fix smoking Soccer

or this:

best places learn about animals and exercise wellkept local zoo. Heres how most visit: Choose right time plan Remember manners Learn includes trivia ready next trip summer days these fun ideas: Explore: Go Bug Safari Teach kid ride bike Play Best Backyard Plan night Easy Summer Meals Not all foods are created equal. healthy delicious dishes tonight: Grilled Salmon Salad Lowfat Potato

possible avoiding holes bottles littering Santa

Answers variety commonly asked valid Guide: Federal State These forms available PDF format. order view and/or print

both taken from my very own inbox.

It seems quite clear that all three above extracts are written by the same person and that that person is Dylan. Obviously not content to be releasing what looks like will be an excellent album, to be recording a fantastic weekly radio show and to be continuing the Never Ending Tour, he also feels the need to distribute his surreal prose to the email clients across the world. However, I, for one, am very happy that he has decide to do this and will now set about analysing these message to see what hidden ideas and meanings they contain - to dig out what truths they contain about Dylan's philosopical and religious stances, I will return when I have found them. Goodbye.

I am an investigative journalist.

A Levels

2006-08-17T16:48:00.000+01:00

Almost a year ago today, I got the results of my AS levels posted to me through the, um, post. Today, almost a year after this event, I went to school to collect my A level result. I entered the school building a nervous wreck, walked into the main hall, and paced alongside the long tables - scattered with envelopes. Searching for one that bore my moniker, that would contain the two sheet of paper that will shape my future.

It was a while before I realised that I was not in Year 12, and in fact Year 13, but once I had I quickly made my way across to the side of the room where the Year 13 result were to be found. I located the white paper jacket which I so desperately sought and removed with haste the information from within that I coveted so intensely. It was as follows:

General Studies - B

Religious Studies - A

Product Design - C

English Language - A

Though of course these results mean nothing - A levels are so easy I could have just done a little bit of sick on my exam paper, smeared it around, waited for it to dry, crudely scraped out the shape of a dead badger and still received the same (if not better) grades - I am very happy with them.

The Beatles

2006-08-15T11:48:00.000+01:00

I like The Beatles, I like them because I like their music, I especially like George because he is cool. The best thing about The Beatles though, is that they are funny. I found a number of videos on YouTube to illustrate this.

The Beatles do the play-within-a-play from 'Midsummer Night's Dream'

I am going to see a production of Midsummer Night's Dream on Wednesday. I hope it is as good as this.

The Beatles on the Morecambe & Wise Show

This is funny - Paul Merton cited this clip as the reason he started liking The Beatles. At the end it is hard to hear but Eric says "Only got a little dad have you?".

'The Ad Lav Club' - a sketch from Not Only But Also with John Lennon

I have never seen this clip before, despite having 'The Best of What's Left of Not Only But Also' download to my computer. Peter Cook is a god and this is actually one of the better clips from that show.

The infamous 'Rattle your Jewelry' comment

This is good.

I went to Paris and saw a sweary coach and got called a moron by the owner of the Best Page in the Universe in the same week!

2006-08-13T15:31:00.000+01:00

As may be apparent from the subject line of this post, in the last week I have been to Paris and seen a sweary coach.

It was probably German.

I also took a load of other pictures of Paris: Look at them, especially the pigeon ones.

You may also deduce from this post's title that I was called a 'moron' by the owner of the Best page in the Universe, Maddox. I have made this claim because it is true, and here is the evidence:

This came about because B3ta did its first interview in a while, with Maddox as it's subject, and taking suggestions for questions from B3ta boarders. I think this is my highest level of fame yet, even better than being quoted in the Leicester Mercury.

Support the fight for Net Neutrality

2006-08-04T18:40:00.000+01:00

This website has got together a load of web celebrities (tron guy, the subservient chicken and even Joel Veitch's kittens) to promote the fight for a neutral, fair and free internet - a good cause.

Miami Vice

2006-08-01T10:48:00.000+01:00

To celebrate the release of the Miami Vice film, I have released the following image:

B3ta post

Madness Temple post

Ant & Dec - failed TV show ideas

2006-07-31T14:06:00.000+01:00

This would probably be better than the actual TV show.

Goats on the Radio

2006-07-18T10:55:00.000+01:00

I sent my picture of Russell Brand and his radio presenting companions, via email, to the Russell Brand radio show on 6 Music. This is currently my favorite radio show - it is funny and I like funny.

My interest in goats has received much attention (my drawings of goats have been on the front of two family Christmas) and my name has become synonymous with goats - people can not think of Joe Pick without conjuring up images of crudely drawn goats and ideas relating to a bizarre interest in all things revolving around the central concept of the goat. My interest in goats has even been reported in the Leicester Mercury!!!!!

However, nothing is better than the mention of my goat picture on the Russell Brand show. On BBC radio (albeit only digital radio) no less. And by one of my favorite people at the moment - Russell Brand off the telly.

Click to listen

It makes me happy in my face.

Russell Brand

2006-07-15T17:21:00.000+01:00

Trevor Lock, Russell Brand, Matt Morgan

Over the past couple of months I have developed a deep seated love for comedian, radio DJ and Big Brother's Big Mouth presenter Russell Brand. This is why:

He has an ace radio show on 6 music with Trevor Lock and Matt Morgan, shown above in the form of goat men. Listen to it live between 10am and 1pm on Sunday morning, subscribe to the podcast or listen to back issues of the podcast.

He did one of the most amusing interviews I have seen on Friday Night with Jonathan Ross. Part 1 & Part 2.

Big Brother's Big Mouth is the best thing about Big Brother. It is worth watching the main show just the put Russell's show into context and it has a talking whale.

The tabloids write bollocks about him and he doesn't really care. This is funny.

That is all.

Other Links:

Russell Brand's MySpace
Russell's Fansite
Page on Chortle.co.uk
Entry in Wikipedia

French for Travelers

2006-07-14T13:52:00.000+01:00

I bought this book for my holiday to France but it wasn't quite what I had expected :(

It has a narrower audience than I had hoped.

Camel Camel Camel Camel Camel Chameleon

2006-07-11T20:04:00.000+01:00

You come and go, You come and go

B3ta Post

Madness Temple Post

Why Johnny Depp is the one of best people ever

2006-07-08T14:08:00.000+01:00

He appeared in the Fast Show (see above).

His children, Lily-Rose and Jack, are named after a Bob Dylan song - Lily, Rosemary and the Jack of Hearts (probably).

Bob Dylan mentioned him in his 'Father' Theme Time Radio Hour - "I got an email from Johnny Depp in France. He asks who was the father of Communism?" - though is almost defiantly an untruth, it still means Johnny Depp is good.

He financed Hunter S Thompsons funeral.

He says cool things.

Edward Scissorhands, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Pirates of the Caribbean are three of the bestest films.

He was in a Tom Petty Video.

He played guitar on the Oasis track Fade In-Out

He bases his characters on famous musicians.

I Like Videos

2006-06-29T14:15:00.000+01:00

I love YouTube, it is good. It reminds me of a dream that I had about a website where users could upload video content which could then be watched by all through some kind of flash based video player. The only difference is that the website in my dream consisted entirely of videos featuring hippies making attractive clothing out of shedded dog hairs - it was interesting at first but soon became repetitive and uninspiring, YouTube is better than that.

Here is the videos what I am currently enjoying:

One More Cup Of Coffee - Bob Dylan

This is probably my favorite Dylan song. This video is taken from the film Renaldo & Clara. I really want to see this film.

The Old Laughing Lady - Neil Young

It's Neil Young playing a song on the street in Glasgow, which is cool. I found the link to this video on expectingrain.com the Bob Dylan fansite which I visit many times a day on account of being a Bob Dylan fan. This clip has nothing to do with Bob Dylan though, it has to do with Neil Young.

My Way - Sid Vicious

I love Sid Vicious. If I were to be a not very nice rock star that died young, I would be him.

In Other News

I have finished my exams and school forever.

In Udder News

Milk comes from cows.

"Lookin' for a place that's going to animal my soul"

2006-06-25T11:56:00.000+01:00

Best video clip ever.

Goat Dylan

2006-06-22T20:33:00.000+01:00

"But if you got to goat, It's all right.
But if you got to goat, goat now,
Or else you gotta stay all night."

I am cool.

Face

2006-06-05T20:07:00.000+01:00

I found this via here. It told me what celebrities I look like.

Apparently, I look 72% like Shahrukh Khan:

64% like Robert Johnson:

63% like Heath Ledger:

And 61% like Bob Dylan (Yay!):

I must admit that I am not too sure of the accuracy of this particular online tool.

EDIT: I have added some of my better, older pictures to the gallery. They are actually pretty good, if ruined slightly by my mentalist ideas of what things like blood and smoke should look like.

ER

2006-05-30T08:54:00.000+01:00

B3ta post

Madness Temple Post

The OCD

2006-04-26T20:42:00.000+01:00

B3ta Post

Word!

Idea

2006-04-25T17:35:00.000+01:00

I have had the best idea for a new television show ever. It is as follows:

It will be called either Do You Trust This Face? or Would You Trust This Face? and it will work like this.

There will be one contestant and the show will begin with them sat in the studio. There will be a huge screen in front of them and on it will scroll past a number of different faces. The contestant will be asked to pick the face that they think is most trustworthy and that they would most like to help them in a dangerous, life threatening situation - which will take place in the second half of the show (the show will be like 30 minutes or something).

So they pick the face and there is a little bit of, like, analysis stuff about facial recognition and how certain features of a face have connotation of different things like trustworthiness and shit. Then the host/hosts (probably Ant and Dec) say, 'Now it's time for a break, stay with us for the conclusion of tonights show" and the adverts start (it will be on ITV or Channel 4 because I had already written the stuff about adverts before I realized that the BBC, who I originally wanted to do the show, don't have adverts).

When it comes back after the break everything will be set up for the life threatening stunt and the contestant will be, like, hanging from a rope above some kind of huge spike and they need someone else to do something to guide them away from it or they will certainly die. So there is a little bit of build up and Ant or Dec (or both, it doesn't really matter) shouts, "And here's the face you chose!".

And here is the twist.

Here is the fucking twist.

A man comes out from behind a load of fireworks and smoke and stuff and he is carrying a tray and the camera zooms into the tray and on it is the face that the contestant chose, but that's it, just the face. Just a disembodied face lying on a tray and the joke is on the contestant because they though they were picking a person to help them based on that person's face but they weren't, they were picking the actually face and that is no used to them in this situation so they get impaled on the spike.

I think this will bring me fame and fortune. I rule at TV.

EDIT: Also, this idea is copywrited to me so you can piss right off Endemol!

Leicester '66

2006-04-24T17:45:00.000+01:00

(Ticket stub taken from dylanstubs.com)

Leicester '66 - Bob Dylan (unlimited downloads, in the .m4a format)*

I love Leicester, I have often heard it used as the butt of jokes but of all the places I have been to, lived and stayed in Leicester is my favorite. I also love Dylan, probably more than anything. This is why when I found the Leicester '66 bootleg, recorded at De Monfort Hall in 1966, up for download at expectingrain.com I was very excited. I would happily give up a limb (or two) to be able to go back in time and have seen this Dylan gig.

Bob's Boots says the following about the bootleg: "This previously unknown audience recording surfaced in the early 90s. As with most audience recordings of the day, it is not the best of quality. Add to that some problems of the mic being covered up for about 20 seconds during It's All Over Now Baby Blue, the tape player being shut off during Just Like Tom Thumb's Blues, and the batteries going dead during Desolation Row. To provide a continuous show, the manufacturer edited in the Colston Hall version of Desolation Row, and added the Leicester version as a bonus for the completists."

Tracklisting:

She Belongs To Me
Fourth Time Around
Visions Of Johanna
It's All Over Now Baby Blue
Desolation Row
Just Like A Woman
Mr Tambourine Man
Tell Me Momma
I Don't Believe You
Baby Let Me Follow You Down
Just Like Tom Thumb's Blues (cuts out)
Desolation Row

* Huge thanks to YeaHeavy who posted this on the Expectingrain.com Rare Dylan Recordings discussion board and is now my hero. I love you YeaHeavy.

The Four Yorkshiremen Sketch

2006-04-17T16:00:00.000+01:00

I love the Four Yorkshiremen sketch. It is fantastic and because of this I have collected all the versions of it that I can find on YouTube here:

The Original Sketch from the "At Last the 1948 Show"

A live version by the Pythons

A version with Rowan Atkinson

Alan Rickman, Eddie Izzard, Harry Enfield and Vic Reeves preforming the sketch for the "We Know Where You Live" Amnesty show

Apperently there is a game based on this sketch. This sounds like a good game.

Happy Easter!

2006-04-16T13:03:00.000+01:00

I am getting loads of hits to my website from people looking at this picture:

I find this very confusing, it appears on page five of the Google image search results for James Blunt and, if I was such a fan of the man as to search through five pages of his stupid, annoying, nob head face I would not choose to view a image of him being attacked, and probably killed, by a crazed swan.

I worries me that my site is being mostly visited by James Blunt fans

Poetry

2006-03-28T18:59:00.000+01:00

I wrote a poem at school based on the Parable of the Good Samaritan. This is it:

The Parable of the Goat Samaritan

Once upon a time there was a sheep,
Who was hurt badly and left alone and asleep,
Along came one more who did not stop and say 'hi',
But ignored our hurt friend and just walked on by.

The along came another,
Who ignored his sheep brother,
Just walked right on,
And soon he too was gone.

But when a goat came past,
He helped and helped fast,
Though they were not at all the same,
He cared for the sheep that was lying there lame.

There you go. To quote the brilliant Scaryduck, "I am not mad".