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George Mackay Brown Pipe Poem #3: Gray's Pier

2011-09-12T05:45:00.000-04:00

Gray's Pier

I lay on Gray's pier, a boy
And I caught a score of sillocks one morning

I laboured there, all one summer
And we built the Swan

A June day I brought to my door
Jessie-Ann, she in white

I sang the Barleycorn ballad
Between a Hogmanay star and New Year snow

The Swan haddock-heavy from the west--
Women, cats, gulls!

I saw from the sea window
The March fires on Orphir

I followed, me in black
Jessie-Ann to the kirkyard

I smoke my pipe on Gray's pier now
And listen to the Atlantic

Domain on WordPress

2011-09-05T20:40:00.002-04:00

Hit me up at www.joffrethegiant.com!

George Mackay Brown Pipe Poem #2: Stone and Star

2011-09-05T05:32:00.000-04:00

Stone and Star

The stone that sinks a creel
The stone that whets a scythe
The stone
That locks a bridge over the burn
The stone that keeps milk cold
The ordered stones that stand between hearth and a winter storm
The carved stone over the next of skulls
The stone that children
Enchant to flower, ship, castle
The stone sea-vested twice a day
The stone the beachcomber
Strikes a match on to light his pipe
Between a crag and a stormfall,
A tall stone in a field
Strayed reveller from the circling Brodgar dance,
The seapink stone
The stone the Ice Giant dragged out of Norway
The stone, Hesper,
That kisses a darkling ebbtide stone.

Principles of Humor Delivery

2011-09-01T22:14:00.000-04:00

These are but a few of the principles of humor delivery I try to live by. This list is by no means comprehensive. It is, in fact, an attempt to organize what has heretofore been a largely organic exercise, so that your feedback will be most welcome.

When assaulting a person's dignity, do it in a fraternal fashion. This suggests that while you may be stupid, or clumsy, or slow, it's something we can both laugh about together, because I also am stupid, or clumsy, or slow. You stupid oaf. See, you're laughing at yourself already. This congenial fraternity is the most polite way for one man who has witnessed the embarrassment of another to defuse the situation.
Embrace understatement, but be not too subtle. Telling a joke so that only one person in a crowd gets it is not telling a joke, it's mockery. I try, as much as possible, to mock the overly subtle. The key to this is rephrasing what the precious one has said in the crudest fashion possible.

"No one in history has ever done anything this clever!"

Make frequent fun of self. I like to think that this works, but it might not. I consider it a way to gain credit which I can later spend on making fun of others. I am particularly blessed in this area, having both an over-the-top personality and an extreme physical type.
Know your place. Know who you're talking to. Sex, age, relation, familiarity. I like to push the boundaries of this stuff, but I only feel comfortable doing it because I know what the boundaries are. That's what makes me hilarious.

From TheMaveSite.

Use your body. Yet not in a slapstick way, thou buffoon. Use it to shape your jibe: soften it with a finger waggle, sharpen it with a cocked eyebrow.
Be crude in the right way. That is, know the power of pronouns. No need to be obscene or dirty when you can be earthy and crass instead. (I just felt another post idea kick.) If a co-worker tells you, oh, for example, "That's what my grandmother used to say, 'I'll take the gilded lily.'", what could be easier than saying "I'll take your gilded lily", or even better, "I'd like to give you my gilded lily."

"Sure, baby, sure. I'd love to give you my gilded lily. Or wait, do I take your gilded lily? What are we talking about again?"

The body is sacred. That is to say, you could set off an entire thread on socialanxietysupport.com by putting a firecracker in someone's butt, and that would only be mean, and not at all funny. Well, the firecracker wouldn't be funny, but the thread would be. Maybe that was the plan all along. Saying to yourself "the body is sacred" will guide you through the minefield of practical joking, so that cellophaning a toilet is funny (friend late-night pees on feet and has to clean up spill) while tipping over a porta-potty is verboten.

There are probably a few more floating through the aether This post will require a sequel, "How To Take A Joke". Expect it.

Moustache Protection Spoon!

2011-08-29T13:12:00.000-04:00

This, apparently, is real. Was real. In a bygone golden age. Observe how neatly the moustache is kept out of the soup. The engineering ingenuity we apply to folding strollers the men of that age applied to tableware.

George Mackay Brown Pipe Poem #1: Weather Forecasts

2011-08-29T06:30:00.000-04:00

Weather Forecasts

Seven old fishermen
Sit on the sea wall in the sun.
A storm, a week away,
Frets their blood.
They smoke pipes. They reckon
A few baskets of cod between now
And the purple chasms westward.

I sit in my rocker
Watching 'the fronts' on a glimmering screen.

I'm Willing To Drink Light Beer Now

2011-08-28T16:38:00.000-04:00

I would like to be drafted into an old-timey bare knuckle boxing match. I've even hunted for boxing gyms in the area...the only thing I can find is fitness boxing, you know, the kind that women take. And I've looked for judo dojos...all I can find is MMA and faddish taekwondo. Alas.

If I'm not likely to bare knuckle box, I can tell you what I'm likely to do now that I've seen this video: drink Heineken Light.

Now You See Me. Now You Don't. Now You Do.

2011-08-27T12:19:00.000-04:00

Wingmen Smoke Pipes

2011-08-26T18:11:00.000-04:00

It's true. Dicks smoke pipes. From the game Wingmen.

Alcohol & Kids Part 1: A Ramble

2011-08-26T14:21:00.001-04:00

Everywhere We Go, The People Want To Know

One thing Swaits are known for, oddly enough, is how they handle the "issue" of kids and alcohol. Folks know that we are very open with our use of alcohol, and that we use it around our kids, for example, when I include them in a beer review video, or when we have a summer party where there's a ton of beer and fifty kids running around. This is unusual enough that it's attracted attention, and several people have had conversations with Kimberly and me about the use and consumption of alcohol in a family setting.

A single friend of mine, homebrewer par excellence and uncle to four, recently sent me this message.

The older two, obviously curious, saw my brewcave in my basement, I explain [alcohol] as "adult juice" : ). Subsequently they offer their services and I let them help me out a couple times (the older one especially is a great assistant). Anyway, my sister is totally okay with this, ...and I'm totally okay with this because I like the help and also have no real responsibility for them.

But there is a bigger question about alcohol, responsibility, and child-rearing that I feel like we're both missing. Maybe it's just an irrational conservative fear. But I haven't thought through it completely, and I don't know really anything about raising children.

At what age do we start teaching our children about alcohol? How? Home-brewing at the age of 7 seems extreme but it doesn't seem unreasonable.

In order to address the spoken and unspoken questions here, which are questions that come up pretty frequently for Kimberly and me, I thought I might just describe what we do, and what some of the thought behind it is. Hopefully that will be helpful for some folks.

When Do We Teach Kids About Alcohol?

"Teach" is a very intense, pro-active word, one that I wouldn't really choose to describe how we address alcohol with the kids. Sure, there is some teaching, but not in the way, say, that a parent who owned guns would seek to actively and thoroughly teach their children about fire arms. Many parents have an instinctive American Protestant complex of guilt and fear revolving around alcohol, so that they treat the subject with a gravity, severity, and degree of fear at a level similar to that involving guns (lock it away in a cabinet, hide the key, and hope that we've taught them well enough that they won't try to break in when we're away). In my opinion, the level of alarm that needs to be applied to alcohol and children is more like that in cooking: please don't touch the hot stove, never use a knife carelessly, and you're probably not old enough to use the stove yet.


My son George and my dad watching my daughter open her birthday present.

I can't imagine a better way to be introduced to alcohol than through homebrewing. It's like learning to cook! Beer is not some fearsome magical thing that comes from elsewhere and does harm...it's a fun food that my uncle makes for all his friends.

Of course, it's more than just a food...but it is that. Calling it "adult juice" is what starts to move toward territory that I think can be harmful. Anything that suggests mystery and black magic is potentially harmful...and suggests sin to a child.

Modesty Without Cheer Is Oppression

Adults often encounter that issue when it comes to talking about sex. It's the difference between what is modest and what is occult. Kimberly and I have, of course, talked about how we plan to talk about sex with our kids. The decision we've made (as with everything family or parenty or whatever that I talk about, please remember that I'm not telling you how to do stuff...just the whats and whys of what we're doing) is to postpone talking about a lot of the mechanics of sex for a while, much later than many other children might be told about the mechanics. At the same time, we're not trying to create an atmosphere of mystic darkness and mystery where there ought to be none. Our kids have known since they were toddlers that mom and dad make babies together, privately. A little later they are told that like all males and females, dads have seeds and moms have eggs, and that the egg needs seed from the dad to be a baby.

This sunset brought to you by beer. BTW, have you seen my kids?

The important thing is that, while we try to be prudent and wise about what the kids are exposed to, an atmosphere of good cheer and openness pervades our lives. Modesty without good cheer is oppression. Alcohol without good cheer is drunkenness.

It's Not About Alcohol; It's About Feasting

We hosted a big party in the back yard this summer, which was an absolute blast. All the invitees were told that there would be lots and lots of beer. They were also all told to bring their kids. Those who hung out with us regularly did just that. Some folks didn't hang out with us all the time, and checked and double checked that it would in fact be cool to bring the kids. We got a lot of "if you're sure it's okay", or "we're bringing our daughter, if kids are really welcome...". Of course they were. A bunch of kids came and, although they behaved well, got rowdy and trampled the blueberry bushes and kicked several beach balls out into the street. Several adult hearts were made merry with beer, but they didn't do any damage the way the kids did. Of course, eventually all the kids went to bed...and hours later I did as well, around 1 a.m., because I had to be at work the next morning. A half-dozen people carried on talking and drinking at the garden table while the wife and I slept, which I took to be a sign that the party had been a success.

Some of the people who stayed up past my bed-time.

That would be my answer to the "at what age" question. It's not as much about age as it is about atmosphere. I spent my childhood in Brazil, where people tend to segregate generations a lot less. I remember falling asleep at more than one party, while the grown-ups played guitar and sang together in the next room. I and the other kids had had about as much fun as we could stand, and now it was time to sleep...the older kids, of course, could stay up longer than we. This American idea that we ought to do our drinking in secret, away from the kids, is only harmful.

A friend of mine is an alcoholic. He has custody of his kids. He won't touch a drop in front of them.

The Swait kids have been told about the effects of alcohol. They know that beer has less than wine. They have some idea of what being drunk is; they know that drunkenness is a sin. But we don't focus on that.

We do focus on feasting in our lives. And one thing our kids know about feasting and parties is that beer and wine is for feasts. (Which means we can read The Hobbit without breaking stride.)

It's important, of course, to maintain an awareness of what is appropriate for adults and what is appropriate for children in any part of life. Still, there are very few things in life you should be willing to do that you shouldn't be willing to do in front of your kids. If I couldn't smoke a cigar in front of my kids in good conscious, I should probably not smoke a cigar at all. If I can't have a gin and tonic in front of the kids, then I probably shouldn't have one when they go to bed. You're ashamed of it; it's a vice. I do these things in front of the kids...and of course they ask questions, and of course they learn. But it's not from a manual, at a distance. It's up close. No one in the family is scared of or awed by alcohol. It's a part of what will be the scenery of their adult lives. Like beards, and marriage, and having kids, and driving a car. Dad's cool when he drinks beer, sure...but not in that "dad-gets-to-do-bad-dangerous-stuff" that so many kids experience. Drinking beer is cool the way getting to drive a car is cool. Not a big-deal cool...it's something normal I'll get to do when I'm grown up. Happy-normal. Like having kids and having parties and taking drives and kissing spouses.

My baby and I.

When I was in high school my dad, who had often enjoyed a glass of wine, made a conscious decision to be an educated and knowledgeable oenophile. He worked a substantial chunk of his pay as a partner in his company into a fun and frivolity clause. He basically had to spend a lot of money on food and drink. As you might imagine, I learned a lot about feasting from him (interestingly, although such things are usually taught by parents, he taught himself how to feast...not coincidentally, a few years after becoming a Christian). When I was a junior and senior in high school we had a lot of great meals at the dining room table, and I learned to enjoy good wine. When I went to college in the same town (my dad had been a professor at the University of Florida), my parents' house became party central. Without a second thought, I started inviting my twenty-something friends to hang out with my parents...because they threw awesome parties. Lunch after church on Sundays became a day-long affair, with friends, my friends, eating great food and drinking plenty of wine...and loving life. It never seemed strange to me. My friends loved it, really loved it...and it blew their minds.

Lots of beer, lots of food, lots of babies. Thank God.

For a lot of twenty-somethings, parties are about alcohol. That should never be the case. It's about feasting, and celebration...and alcohol is a God-given part of that.

When's a good time to start teaching the kids about alcohol? Now. As soon as they speak the language you speak. Lump it in with instructions about forks, saying thank you, crossing the street, how to find the North Star, and all the other stuff you're going to teach them.

Pulling It Off

2011-08-26T11:56:00.001-04:00

Source: ffffound.com via Uncle on Pinterest

Dad's A Doofus on TV

2011-08-15T23:46:00.001-04:00

Yeah, we know we portray dads as complete imbeciles, but that's only because it's hilarious!

This, by the way, is a photo, not a video.

A History of English In Ten Minutes

2011-08-13T09:10:00.001-04:00

Great little series of one minute videos on the history of my fave language! Behold it here.

Pipe Smoking In Captain America Cartoon

2011-08-10T00:37:00.005-04:00

Here are some stills from the first episode of Captain America, way back in 1966. When Captain America throws his mighty shield, all those who chose to oppose his shield must yield. The unlucky Captain Cory smokes his pipe...

Yeah, this looks like my cap, but it's actually an oversized tobacco pouch.

This is the perfect way to relax. But I have this sinister feeling...

...like the Red Skull is about to sneak up on me.

Remodeled Mario Grandi

2011-08-09T17:01:00.001-04:00

I recently traded an immense Mario Grandi poker of mine for a more modestly-sized Mario Grandi poker (this is Mario Grandi). You can see my old Mario Grandi in this video filmed at it's new home in beautiful Puerto Rico (the link will take you directly to a moment when the pipe is visible).

The new Mario Grandi is very elegant and beautifully finished, but it had a rustic lip lunging up above the edge of the bowl that I really wasn't a fan of. I took a picture with my mobile, but even then I was trying to hide the strange formation. Here it is.

I sent the pipe off to be "remodelled", and it has recently come back to me, beautiful as ever and highly smokeable.

Of course, grinding a sizeable hunk of briar off the top affected the balance of the pipe. It still sits on its bottom, but you can tell the balance is much more delicate, whereas before it sat strong and heavy. The bore of the bowl has also been revealed to be at a bit of an angle. Still, I think much improved, and I'll be putting this pipe at the top of my rotation for a while.

Chris Webber's Steak Kerfuffle

2011-08-09T10:30:00.004-04:00

Apparently former NBA All-Star and current NBA commentator Chris Webber was involved in a bit of a kerfuffle over steak. TMZ, which is basically a bitchy celebrity gossip site for men, caught up with him at LAX and asked him a couple of questions about steak kerfuffle. Next thing you know, Colin Cowherd is talking about it on ESPN Radio and Chris Webber is tweeting a defense of his taste in steak.

Chris Webber walked out of a steak house because they didn't have steak sauce. That's what he said, and we'll take him at his word. I can easily imagine a scenario in which he asks for steaks sauce and is told very rudely that there is none, in which case you would walk out not because there was no steak sauce, but because the staff had been rude to you. The issue is, apparently, the lack of tomato-based tangy-sweet mojo.

On his radio show, Cowherd asked the same question the TMZ folks asked, who is being arrogant? Restaurant for not being willing to serve steak sauce, or Webber for not being willing to try things this restaurant's way? Cowherd contended that a restaurant has a right to have and maintain its own culture. He gave the example of a friend in Vegas who had an Italian restaurant and wouldn't serve spaghetti and meatballs, because "he doesn't want the spaghetti and meatball crowd." Somehow, amazingly, I know exactly what that means.

The establishment of a restaurant's "culture" brings to mind a recent post regarding the banishment of children from some places of business. Here, as in the "no kids" post, one feels that there's a bit of an overreaction taking place. Sure, you want to differentiate yourself from a Perkin's or a Texas Roadhouse sort of steak. I can only agree that that's a worthy goal. But if the appearance of A1 Steak Sauce at one of your tables is enough to upset years of work establishing an identity, maybe you should change your identity. If your restaurant is full of people who would never put A1 sauce on their steak (like me), they will merely raise their eyebrows, perhaps sneer a bit like the waiter, and go back to enjoying their naked steaks.

If you're acting like a diva, it's because you're insecure. Let's imagine I own a pub (what a beautiful dream). There's nothing like Bud Light on tap there. There's probably nothing like that in a bottle either. But if some good old boys wander in asking for Bud Light, I make them feel as comfortable as possible, I sit them down, and I suggest something I think they'd like. They probably never come back. But I make sure they enjoy themselves as much as I can. If I don't stock Bud Light, I make sure I stock something that crowd will like, even if I don't love it: Grolsch, or Cristal, or Tsing Tao. I can think of several friends of mine who would sneer a bit at that, but I'm too awesome to let the haters get me down (and after all, it's an effin' beer). Price alone would deter 95% of those folks from coming back. And if one of those folks were Chris Webber, and didn't care about price, I'd be honored to have him drinking Grolsch every weekend at my place.

My judgment, which I know you've been waiting for, and which I have authority to deliver without being a busybody: Webber was a bit arrogant for not being willing to try things the restaurant's way, and the restaurant was a bit arrogant for not having some A1 hidden way in the back, where it would take the busboy four minutes to dig out, thereby discouraging its request on future visits.

Done. Let the issue rest, o tiny interwebs. Like a perfectly medium-rare steak ought to rest once removed from the grill.

Let's not even talk about the fact the Webber wanted his steak well done. *shivers up the spine*

Thou Droning Doghearted Dewberry!

2011-08-09T09:33:00.002-04:00

Pastoral Urbanite » Blog Archive » Thou saucy hasty-witted flax-wench!

Fabulous Face Flocculence

2011-08-05T13:52:00.000-04:00

At the ESPYs (last month?) San Francisco Giants pitcher Brian Wilson rejoiced in his bearded sleekness with this outfit. Many in the U.S. will have seen this, which is why I am glad to have a healthy chunk of international readers. This is what American sport is all about.

The bow tie is real, b.

As ridiculous as that is, we must admit that it is also awesome. The beard is not usually accompanied by a spandex tuxedo, which is why most mortals are able to, while being awed by it, behold it in the more pastoral setting of the baseball park.

The beard deserves a nod, and it gets one as a part of Topps' baseball card collection. Huzzah!

Based on 1880s tobacco baseball cards.

Thanks to Tyler for sending this to me. Preesh!

Mug With Mustache Protector

2011-08-04T17:32:00.002-04:00

Are you seriousing me?! A ceramic mug with built-in mustache protector?! Genius.

Click on the picture to go to Timeless Creations LLC's Etsy shop.

All they need to do know is create a beer glass or mug with the same feature, and we're gold. Although beer foam in mustache seems more meet and right than coffee and cream in mustache.

Thanks to Scottie B. and Ryan Mac for sending me this.

Super Huge Flip-Flop

2011-07-31T11:49:00.001-04:00

I'm a size 18 foot. It's not easy to find footwear. Well, looks like I finally found a flip-flop big enough for my feet.

Dad Is Like Captain Haddock

2011-07-31T10:15:00.002-04:00

"Captain Haddock is a lot like you. He has a big beard and he's big and strong. He smokes a pipe. He likes to drink whiskey, though. You like to drink beer better."

Whisker Wars Is On

2011-07-31T09:46:00.000-04:00

Some of you will remember that I was a judge at a competitive Beard Team USA event a few months ago. It was awesome. Well, if you're into "competitive beard growing", here's a TV show for you: Whisker Wars. It comes out August 5th, but for the next few days episode 1 is available on Hulu.

I am tempted to grow a beard something like Phil Olsen's. I couldn't grow a free-flowing long beard, it would have a lot of body, a lot of cushion for the pushin', if you will. So maybe I'll stop trimming everything but the cheeks. Meanwhile: FIGHT!

Or click here for a list of Beard Team USA chapters. You can be involved to whatever degree you like...and quaffing a couple of beers whilst competing/spectating in a beard competition is a blast!

Real Men Read

2011-07-30T14:12:00.000-04:00

Not that this really needs to be said here. But between the mustache, the tweed suit, and the attentive child, this picture kind of needed to be shared.

Pastoral Urbanite » Blog Archive » Real men read.: "- Sent using Google Toolbar"

2011-07-30T09:13:00.000-04:00

There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance - that principle is contempt prior to investigation.
-Herbert Spencer

Poor Boy Long Way From Home

2011-07-29T11:28:00.000-04:00