My review of the action/thriller SALT (starring Angelina Jolie) is now online at Cinema Knife Fight.  Just click here.

I was unkind …

Originally published at Cinemaknifefight.com.

One of the earliest revelations you’ll have while watching the first 10 to 15 minutes of THE LOSERS (PG-13) is that the movie’s title refers to the audience and not anyone in the film.

Directed by Sylvain White, this hollow action-adventure movie adapts the Vertigo Comics series written by Andy Diggle from 2003 to 2006. THE LOSERS tells the story of a team of special forces operatives who wage war on Max (Jason Patric), a rogue CIA agent who double-crosses them in the Bolivian Jungle. Helping them (or is she…?) on their suicide mission is Aisha (Zoe Saldana), who has her own reasons to want Max dead.

Listen, it’s not like I can’t enjoy a brainless action-adventure movie at face value. Whether it’s some flick featuring Bruce Willis, Jason Strathan, or Arnold Schwarzenegger, I can dial down the synapses in my brain that require logic, theme, and good acting. But good action films find some way to pop off the screen even though they don’t entirely make sense. There’s always a “That’s so %@#$ing cool!” factor that makes you feel okay about seeing a movie that will NEVER win a critical award.

THE LOSERS never pops. Not once.

It fizzles, it flails, and it struggles. But it never pops. Improbable yet predictable high-tech heists and action sequences include lots of generic explosions and shoot-em-ups, as well as slow-motion, fast-motion, jump shots, jiggle-cam, wiggle-cam, and steady-cam camera tricks. There’s also the required fast-talking, quips, quirks, sneers, and one-liners. Crosses, double-crosses, and triple-crosses jerk the film’s plot around like a rag doll. Heck, this film has more crosses littered across its landscape than the Vatican.

The black ops team includes Clay (Jeffrey Dean Morgan), Jensen (Chris Evans), Roque (Idris Elba), Pooch (Columbus Short), and Cougar (Óscar Jaenada), all providing performances ranging from flat to downright annoying. Morgan’s role was particularly disappointing as I’d really enjoyed his depiction of The Comedian in WATCHMEN (2009).

Zoe Saldana, who earned her geek street cred in both STAR TREK (2009) and AVATAR (2009), was apparently cast for THE LOSERS for the sole purpose of not wearing a lot of clothing. On a fundamental level … I’m okay with that. Still, I don’t like to pay over $10 for that which I can get for free on the Internet.

But perhaps the most aggravating actor in the film is Jason Patric as ‘Max’, an oddly nonsensical villain whose plastic comedic presence grates the nerves almost constantly. One wonders if Patric thought he was in a Wayans Brothers spoof movie on the action-adventure genre.

One also has to wonder if Weed Road Pictures pushed out this flat ensemble explosion-fest solely to tap an audience looking forward to the upcoming THE A-TEAM (2010) remake. If so, they got it wrong.

I’ll still go see THE A-TEAM and THE EXPENDABLES (2010), but this is more despite THE LOSERS, and not because of it.

As I stood there in line, I had no idea that within the next couple of minutes, three ten(ish) year-old boys would want me to die a horrible death.

“Why is KICK-ASS rated ‘R’?” the father asked the ticket counter cashier at the movie theater. He seemed more than a bit surprised.

“Dad, just buy the tickets!” whined one of the boys, desperate and perceiving flaws in his finely-honed plot.

“I don’t know, sir,” answered the cashier.

Now, I don’t relish ruining a kid’s fun. At the same time, I knew two things. 1. This dad was getting conned. 2. More often than not, ten year-old boys rat out their dads to their mom. Not intentionally most of the time … but still.

“It’s an incredibly violent movie,” I said, feeling my skin get microwaved by three angry, pre-adolescent brains from roughly 1.5 feet below my eye line. The father stared questioningly.

“And there’s a lot of cursing. At least one C-bomb … from a 10 year-old girl.”

“Really?” he said, eyes wide.

“Really?” repeated the ticket cashier.

“Really really,” said I.

Long story made short. Those three boys did not get to see KICK-ASS, and I was reminded that the film industry still likes to generate a portion of their profits by putting out film trailers and previews that amount to big gooey lies when compared to the actual film. Based on the previews I saw both in the theaters and on TV, you would think KICK-ASS is a goofy spoof on comic book heroes featuring mostly kid-safe violence. I’m pretty sure this dad saw the same previews.

Wow. That is not this movie.

Directed by Matthew Vaughn, KICK-ASS is a truly fun, action-packed ride that does a great job at balancing out humor with ponderous amounts of graphic bloodshed. But this movie will only strike that note for an audience that knows what to expect when they plant their posteriors in movie theater seats.

Based on the Icon comic book series created by Mark Millar and John Romita Jr. in 2008, KICK-ASS tells the story of Dave Lizewski (Aaron Johnson), an average teenage comic book fanboy and serial masturbator.  Lizewski wonders out loud “Why does everybody want to be Paris Hilton and nobody wants to be Spider-Man?” Eventually, in a fit of curiosity, angst, and a dash of depression, he dons a freakishly dorky wetsuit and takes on the superhero persona of ‘Kick-Ass’. The problem, and the central conceit of the film, is that he has no superpowers or street smarts.

As a result, Lizewski fails more often that he succeeds, but this does not stop him from becoming a hit on YouTube. Also, he lands in the direct path of lunatic vigilantes/superheroes Hit Girl (Chloë Grace Moretz) and her father, Big Daddy (Nicolas Cage), as well as another geek-turned-superhero, Red Mist (Christopher Mintz-Plasse). Filling the role of super villain is local mobster Frank D’Amico (Mark Strong), and his heavily-armed band of goons.

While both fans and detractors all focus on the ruthless violence and crass language, what really makes KICK ASS work is that in between the bloodshed and gore, Vaughn and the actors convince you to care about the characters and their fates. Films this violent usually fall apart when it comes to character and relationships, as it does in the ultimately tedious torture porn franchises including SAW and HOSTEL.

But enough about character and relationships…

Holy God, the action sequences in this movie are some of the best you’ve ever seen! Most of the heavy lifting in this area is done by Moretz as part of her scene-stealing role as Hit Girl. Yes, she’s a ten year-old sociopath, but her spot-on mix of bravado and comedy somehow makes it okay. Also, her performance has forever changed my childhood memories of the BANANA SPLITS theme song (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Banana_Splits).

Also, you also have to give Nicolas Cage some props in his role as Big Daddy. In this movie, Big Daddy is a near-exact copy of Batman and Cage plays up that similarity by mimicking Adam West’s style of dialogue delivery from the 1960s BATMAN TV series. It’s an interesting choice and it works here. Honestly, it’s been a long time since we’ve seen Cage in a role that did not disappoint. It’s nice to see him doing good work again.

But what about Aaron Johnson as Kick-Ass? He is the star of the movie, right? Well, yes and no. Johnson does a great job in this role, but his role is not that of star. While it’s his name on the movie, the character of Lizewski/Kick-Ass is more of a guide and narrator leading the audience through the main storyline involving Big Daddy, Hit Girl, and their arch-nemesis Frank D’Amico. In this role, Johnson’s acting and delivery of humor is understated and tight, even if he doesn’t get to eat as much scenery as most of the other performers.

For fans of the comic book, I would say that this movie stays about 70% faithful to the original material put out by Millar and Romita. In some cases, changes and edits occurred to keep the film under two hours. Some of the other major changes (particularly in character back stories) occurred because what works for a niche comic book audience sometimes just won’t fly with mainstream movie audiences.

The good news is that none of these changes to the source material amount to a “sin” and it’s actually good for fans of the comic book because it keeps you guessing. In short, if you loved the comic book, you should also love this movie.

Ultimately, is KICK-ASS a movies that will win a lot of critical awards?

No.

But that’s okay because this movie was not released for that purpose. This film’s intended audience is comic book and action-adventure lovers who have a particularly thick skin and a taste for dark humor. If you fall within that demographic, you’ll have a great time at KICK-ASS.

- END –

Because I’m using the Scrippets screenplay plugin for WordPress, this post probably looks like crap on Facebook and LiveJournal. Just go here to see it formatted correctly.

So, I got a phone call from a girlfriend of mine that shall remain nameless (but said it was okay for me to post this). We’ll call her ‘Cindy’ for the purpose of this post. Also, this gives me an excuse to test a new (to me) WordPress plugin for screenplay format.

The call went something like this.

Right. So that was the phone call. Next came the actual visit to the tattoo/piercing shop. So, we check in and "Cindy" goes to get her nipples pierced. I'm left in the waiting room with a woman we'll call "Betty" at the front desk. This also turned out to be a rather ... unique ... conversation.

INT. TATTOO/PIERCING SHOP - NIGHT

John sits in a chair in the waiting room flipping through a book of tattoo flash. Behind the counter, BETTY (tall, pretty, covered in tattoos, mid 20s) flips through a magazine. She breaks the silence.

BETTY

Do you know what a Prince Albert is?

John does not look up from his reading, but he definitely has the look of a gazelle that just saw a lion's tail flicker in the tall grass.

JOHN

(neutral)

Yes.

BETTY

We're having a special on Prince Alberts. You want one?

Cautious pause.

JOHN

In all my years of using the word 'no', I have not meant it so clearly and with such certaintly as now. What is coming shall be the epitome of 'no'; the existence of 'no' in its purest state. This will be a 'no' of such a dense, negative state that all things positive shall be inexorably drawn toward it and crushed like matter and time to a black hole. This shall be the zenith of 'no', blazing across the sky like a Phoenix bursting from the flames of its own nest.

JOHN

So here it goes ...

JOHN

... are you ready?

JOHN

No.

BETTY

You could have just said 'no.'

JOHN

Pretty sure I just did.

John goes back to his book. Several moments of silence pass.

JOHN

Not that I want to talk a lot about this, but does a 'sale' on genital piercings really work? I mean, I have a hard time imagining a guy walking into this place and saying "You know, I didn't intend to walk out of here looking like I fell crotch-first into a tackle box. But, now that I see you're offering 10% off, I'd like to take advantage of this low-cost opportunity to have a skewer driven through the head of my penis."

BETTY

Actually, for some guys, it tips the scale.

JOHN

Yeah. I don't get that.

BETTY

Girls really ... you know ... like it.

JOHN

And you know what? If I ever fall madly in love with a woman that I think is .... prince-worthy, then I'll run back here, put my money on the counter, and get a rivet driven through my manhood. Until then, if anyone gets near my bits-and-pieces with a sharp object, every meal they eat after that will start with the words 'cream of...'.

Betty sighs, shakes her head, and goes back to her reading.

For the record, I cannot say that I've met anyone 'prince-worthy'.

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