Michelle's Joke Vault

Dear John

2009-09-09T20:46:00.000+10:00

April 18, 1994

Mr. John T. Mongan
123 Main Street
Smalltown, California 94123-4567
Dear John:

You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would be. But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America.

The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention!

Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing.

What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life here *is* tough *and* demanding, but it's also *fun*. MIT students are imaginative and creative - inside and outside the classroom.

You're interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams - 39 - than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so everybody can participate.

You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got surprises for you there, too.

Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this unique institution? Why not do it right now?

Sincerely,

Michael C. Benhke
Director of Admissions

P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "Insight," just check the appropriate box on the form.

May 5, 1994

Michael C. Behnke
MIT Director of Admissions
Office of Admissions, Room 3-108
Cambridge MA 02139-4307

Dear Michael:
You've got the reputation. You've certainly got the pomposity. And now you've got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you're surprised. Most universities would be. But you're not most universities. And that's exactly why I urge you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so selective that he will choose only *one* of the thousands of accredited universities in the country.

The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility for John Mongan's future education. It certainly got my attention!

Don't want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in the country) to classical piano.

What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? I *am* self-indulgent *and* over confident, but I'm also amusing. John Mongan is funny and amusing - whether you're laughing with him or at him.

You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports - 47 - than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as Orienteering.

You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure. I've got surprises for you there, too.

Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now?

Sincerely,
John Mongan

P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "John Mongan: What a Guy!" just ask.

An Italian Vegetable Garden

2009-08-06T21:55:00.002+10:00

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.

I know if you were here my troubles would be over... I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son...

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,

Vinnie

Ponder These

2009-08-03T20:59:00.001+10:00

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? (I like this one alot!)

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered if Chinese mothers use toothpicks?

14. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the post?

16. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

17. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

18. Ever wonder about those people who spend two pound a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:

19. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

20. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea, does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

21. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?

The love story of Ralph and Edna

2009-04-15T19:21:00.000+10:00

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

Privacy Policy (Not Funny)

2009-04-08T19:15:00.000+10:00

Update April 2009 - Privacy Policy

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If you wish to opt out of Advertising companies tracking and tailoring advertisements to your surfing patterns you may do so at Network Advertising Initiative.

Google uses the Doubleclick DART cookie to serve ads across it's Adsense network and you can get further information regarding the DART cookie at Doubleclick as well as opt out options at Google's Privacy Center

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Dog and Cat Diaries

2008-07-27T09:31:00.000+10:00

The Diary of a Dog

8:00am Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30am A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40am A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00pm Milk bones! My favorite thing!
6:00pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00pm Wow! Watched TV with my family! My favorite thing!
11:00pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Diary of a Cat

It is day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with
bizarre dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the
other inmates and myself are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I never the
less must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing
that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust
them, I vomit on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. The
audacity! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.
I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this
means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released --and
seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded!

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with
the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The
captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so
he is safe, for now.

Chain Letter Spoof

2008-07-13T03:24:00.006+10:00

I am a very sick boy little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because
I can't. She is crying. (Don't cry, Mommy!) Mommy is always sad, but
she says it's not my fault. I asked her if it was God's fault, but she
didn't answer, and only started crying harder, so I don't ask her that
anymore.

The reason she is so sad is that I'm so sick. I was born without a body.
It doesn't hurt, except when I go to sleep. The doctors gave me an
artificial body. My body is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors
said that was the best they could do on account of us havin' no money or
insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more
money.

Mommy doesn't work because she said employers don't hire crying people. I
said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap body. Mommy always
gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap, and it chafes her
real bad. I hope you will help me.

You can help me if you forward this e-mail. Dr. Van Nostrem from the
clinic said if you foward this e-mail then Bill Gates will team up with
AOL and do a survey with NASA. Then the astronauts will collect prayers
from school children all over America and take them up to space so that
the angels can hear them better. Then they will go to the Pope, and he
will take up a collection in church and send the money to the doctors.
The doctors could help me get better then. Maybe one day I will be able
to play baseball. Or maybe just use my lungs and heart, when the doctors
make them. The doctors said that every time you forward this letter, the
astronauts can take another prayer to the angels.

Please help me. Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don't want my
leaves to rot before I turn 10. If you don't forward this e-mail, that's
OK. Mommy says you're a mean heartless shithead who doesn't care about a
poor little boy with only a head. She says that, if you don't stew in the
raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow
horrible death so you can burn forever in the tar pits of hell. What kind
of goddamned person are you that you can't take five fucking minutes to
forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame for
the rest of their day, and then maybe help a poor, bodiless nine-year-old
boy?

Please help me. This really sucks. I try to be happy but it's hard. I
wish I had a puppy. I wish I could hold a puppy. One time I had a puppy
but he ate my leaves.

Thank You.

The boy with just a head. And a burlap sack for a body.

Terrorists disrupt Magabe swearing-in.

2008-06-30T19:48:00.001+10:00

A policeman stops a motorist in the main street of Harare and asks for a donation.
"Terrorists have kidnapped Robert Mugabe and threaten to douse him in petrol and set him on fire unless their ransom demands are met," he says.
"I see, well how much are others giving?" asks the motorist.
"Usually around two to three litres," Replies the policeman.

The good life according to a programmer.

2008-02-21T20:28:00.003+11:00

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, “It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.”
The Project manager is sitting there thinking, “I didn’t know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped me!”

The young woman was sitting and thinking, “I’m glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!”

The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, “Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!”

Coodabeen Sporting Books

2008-02-02T21:14:00.003+11:00

For AFL and Cricket fans Coodabeen books, has a great list of books which should have been published...

5. 'How to Win Friends & Influence People Volume 3", By Sam Newman

364 pages, the Twelfth in this 44-part series is a work in progress. Following the success of his ongoing bagging of his former club, Geelong, this latest edition features a foreward by Peter 'Crackers' Keenan about earning the respect of your peers.

Highlights: a chapter from guest author Wayne Carey on 'A Gentleman's Guide to Football Club Harmony'. A great chapter titled 'Weddings, Plumbers, Anything..' is particularly worthy of a read.

6. 'How to Win Games & Influence Results', by Hansie Cronje.

Foreward by Shane Warne & Mark Waugh

Top Ten Ways to Stop Global Warming

2008-01-02T20:55:00.000+11:00

With big prizes on offer for solutions to global warming, I've been working on some solutions which will really work. Here are my top ten solutions.

1. Bury all the excess carbon dioxide under mountains of ice in Antarctica. Vostok, the coldest weather station on earth, regularly reaches temperatures of -70 degrees. At atmospheric pressure, carbon dioxide freezes to form dry ice at -78.5 degrees C, but the phase diagram shows that under a few feet of ice carbon dioxide would remain permanently solid and removed from the earth's ecosystem.

2. Cover desert areas with mirrors to reflect the sun's radiation back out of the atmosphere, reducing desert temperatures by as much as 20 degrees.

3. Send all the excess carbon dioxide to Mars, along with some plant seeds. If none of these methods work at least Mars will be habitable in 100 years.

4. I'm still thinking about number 4. Once it cools down a bit, & the water has stopped lapping at my toes I should be able to think of some more solutions.

Some Useful Phrases to Use At Work if You Are an Evil OverLord

2007-12-28T18:52:00.000+11:00

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

These one liners are by Steve Meredith

Christmas Carols for the Disturbed

2007-12-23T19:09:00.000+11:00

Top Ten Christmas Carols for the Disturbed

These are from Fun with English, with a few extras at Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten.

10. Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?

9. Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disoriented Are

8. Dementia - I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

7. Narcissistic - Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me!

6. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants...

5. Paranoid - Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

4. Borderline Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

3. Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

2. Attention Deficit Disorder - Silent Night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

1. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells , Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...

Funny nursery rhymes we didn't have as kids

2007-11-06T19:34:00.000+11:00

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her,
Between two slices of bread.

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses, And all the kings' men
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

Strange English Top Ten (US version)

2007-10-20T21:46:00.000+10:00

1. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

2. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

3. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

4. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

5. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

6. Why the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

8. Why is it called building when it is already built?

9. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

10. If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do bars have parking lots?

11. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

12. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat??

Doctors' Comments On Patient Charts

2007-10-18T21:26:00.000+10:00

"Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."
"On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely."
"The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993."
"Discharge status: Alive but without permission."
"Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful."
"The patient refused an autopsy."
"The patient has no past history of suicides."
"Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital."
"Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days."

Find more at ringworks.com

Before and After Marriage

2007-10-14T17:50:00.000+10:00

before marraige...............

Boy: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

Girl: Do you want me to leave?

Boy: NO! Don't even think about it.

Girl: Do you love me?

Boy: Of course! Over and over!

Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?

Boy: NO! Why are you even asking?

Girl: Will you kiss me?

Boy: Every chance I get!

Girl: Will you hit me?

Boy: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!

Girl: Can I trust you?

Boy: Yes.

Girl: Darling!

After marriage.... simply read from bottom to top

Little Johnny: A Moral Story

2007-09-29T21:55:00.000+10:00

One day at the end of class little Johnny's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story....

The next day Johnny tells his story....

"My dad fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more, but the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands"

Teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story....Johnny replies, "Yeah... don't mess with my dad when he's been drinking"

The Community Chest

2007-09-29T21:47:00.000+10:00

Mr. Wilson was the chairman of The Community Chest, which had never received a donation from the most successful lawyer in town. He called on the attorney in an attempt to persuade him mend his ways. "Our research shows that you made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you have not given a dime to the community charities! What do you have to say for yourself?" The lawyer replied, "Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her penniless with three children?" Sheepishly, the charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this. "Well, since I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Smelly Marriage

2007-09-16T18:07:00.000+10:00

In a small village in India, there was a man with very smelly feet and a woman with very bad mouth smell...
Nobody would marry them, so the priest of the village decided to unite the both...

The families of the two agreed and they got married..
After the ceremony the respective mothers take each of them aside and warns:

To the girl:listen on your first night, whatever he may ask you, never open your mouth..only shake your head.The daughter nods.

To the man:listen on the first night, never take off your socks, always keep them...
and he agrees.

So once in their room, they start the game of love till at a certain moment, the husband feeling he lost one sock, gets up and starts searching for it...
HE asks her, have you seen my sock?
the girl shakes her head, angrily he repeated, have u seen my sock?? she shakes her head again...

He loses his patience and and shaking her shouts, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCK?
She blurts, NO!

MAN: WHY HAVE YOU EATEN IT?

Shakespeare Insult Kit

2007-09-10T20:00:00.000+10:00

Combine one word from each of the three columns below, prefaced with "Thou":

Column 1     Column 2            Column 3

artless             base-court          apple-john
bawdy               bat-fowling         baggage
beslubbering        beef-witted         barnacle
bootless            beetle-headed       bladder
churlish            boil-brained        boar-pig
cockered            clapper-clawed      bugbear
clouted             clay-brained        bum-bailey
craven              common-kissing      canker-blossom
currish             crook-pated         clack-dish
dankish             dismal-dreaming     clotpole
dissembling         dizzy-eyed          coxcomb
droning             doghearted          codpiece
errant              dread-bolted        death-token
fawning             earth-vexing        dewberry
fobbing             elf-skinned         flap-dragon
froward             fat-kidneyed        flax-wench

Find the full list at http://www.pangloss.com/seidel/shake_rule.html

Bart Simpson Quotes

2007-09-08T16:30:00.000+10:00

The true meaning of Christmas
Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.

Santa's little helper

Bart: What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog? Looks like he's trying to jump over, but he can't quite make it.

Bart's prank call to Australia
[Stepping in front of the TV]
Bart: Hey guys, just so you don't hear any wild rumors, I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia.
Homer: Pfft. That's no reason to block the TV.

What did Bart write on Homer's butt?
Wide Load
Bart Simpson's Property
Insert brain here

On Millhouse
Bart to Milhouse: How can someone with glasses so thick be so stupid?

On your soul
Bart: Well if your souls real where is it?

Milhouse: It's kinda in here... and when you sneeze, that's your soul trying to escape. Saying god bless you crams it back in. And when you die, it squirms out and flies away!

Bart: What if you die in a submarine at the bottom of the ocean.

Milhouse: Oh, it can swim, it's even got wheels, in case you die in the desert and have to drive to the cemetery.

Being Catholic
Bart: Mom, can we go Catholic so we can get communion wafers and booze?

Travel Joke: San Francisco

2007-09-02T22:52:00.000+10:00

A guy is visiting San Francisco, and walks into a small store in
Chinatown.

He notices a small bronze statue of a rat.

He asks the owner "how much", and the owner replies "$50 for the bronze
rat, and $1000 for the story behind it".

The guy says, "forget the story", and buys the rat.

As he's walking down the street he notices two live rats following him.
As he continues to walk, more rats start following him.

He starts to get a little concerned, and heads for the waterfront. By
the time he gets there there are thousands and thousands of rats
following him.

He walks up to the end of the pier and throws the bronze rat into the
bay, and the rats all follow and leap off of the pier and drown.

The guy rushes back to the store and walks in. The owner says, "Ah!, so
your back for the story".

The guys says, "no, I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers?"

From http://netscrap.com

Offer to the Pope

2007-09-01T17:28:00.001+10:00

The top marketing director of Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official
whispers, 'Your Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at
Nescafe have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100
million to the church . if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give
us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily
coffee'."

The Pope looks outraged and thunders, "That is impossible. The
Prayer is the word of the Lord, It must not be changed." Well," says
the Nescafe man somewhat chastened, "We anticipated your reluctance.
For this reason, and the importance of the Lord's prayer to all
catholics, we will increase our offer to $300 million. All we
require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day
our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

Again, even more sternly, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is
impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not
be changed."

Finally, the Nescafe director says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe
respect your adherence to your faith, we realise that tradition is
essential to your beliefs, we fully understand the importance of the
word of the Lord ................but we do have one final offer.
Please discuss it with your cardinals. We will donate $500 million
to the great Catholic church if you would only change the Lord's
Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day
our daily coffee'. Please, please consider it." And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is
some Good news," he announces, "and some bad news .....
The good news is, he continues to a hushed assembly, ' that the
Church will get $ 500 million."

"And what is the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"Sadly" says the Pope,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
We would have to lose the Safeway Bakery Account.

I bet you'll be left smiling......

2007-08-29T21:24:00.000+10:00

There are 5 facts in the world..............

Fact 1: You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.

Fact 2: After reading the first fact, all fools try it.

Fact 3: Fact1 is false. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha..................

Fact 4: Now you are laughing ! Because you became a fool !

Fact 5: You want to fool your friends also. So you want to forward this as soon
as you read this.