Joker Squid

I’d Almost Welcome Zombies

Alex — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 23:48:39 +0000

It truly astounds me sometimes that some "super intelligent" race hasn't marched in backwards and said they were leaving. I can see it now, we are waving good-bye while they are coming up from behind us to empty the shallow end of the sentient being gene pool.

Ever since the first human voice was broadcast over radio waves on Christmas Eve in 1906, we have put a show on for anyone light years away. Considering all the America's Funniest Home Video type moments that have been aired, that is very frightening.

Maybe there is a reason other beings remain a few thousand light years away.

Case in point. This latest viral Youtube video clip comes the Leo LaPorte Tech Guy radio show. Listen as the moron caller whines that the wi-fi signal she openly admits to have been stealing for a year and a half is suddenly shut down:

If you can see this, then you might need a Flash Player upgrade or you need to install Flash Player if it's missing. Get Flash Player from Adobe.

Oh yeah...I wonder who the hell LinkSys is, because his name is all over my DSL Router. Is he going to shut me down too?

Maybe, just maybe, the alien beings have been on Earth for a long time. Could it be that there are some sort of off world television production crews creating devices that when combined with human intelligence provides great entertainment on those long commutes between Alpha Centauri and Sirius.

You know, ingenious inventions like basketballs and skateboards:

If you can see this, then you might need a Flash Player upgrade or you need to install Flash Player if it's missing. Get Flash Player from Adobe.

or automobiles:

If you can see this, then you might need a Flash Player upgrade or you need to install Flash Player if it's missing. Get Flash Player from Adobe.

The more I see these displays of heightened intelligence, the more I worry that the only aliens needed to kick our collective ass would be ones like this:

If you can see this, then you might need a Flash Player upgrade or you need to install Flash Player if it's missing. Get Flash Player from Adobe.

I think if I lived with zombies, I might see that attraction that Interstellar Visitors have with us. Zombies are slow, can be avoided, and sometimes quite entertaining :

If you can see this, then you might need a Flash Player upgrade or you need to install Flash Player if it's missing. Get Flash Player from Adobe.

Keep those tapes coming, America!

Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.

Tags: aliens, Zombies

Protecting the Mosquitoes

Holley — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 18:02:08 +0000

Do you have the mosquito blood type? Studies from the ‘70s and even more recently have shown that mosquitoes bite some people more often because they have “that blood type”.

I think my mom is one of those folks. My parents live on the lake. I am usually there twice a month to spend time with them and just enjoy the gentle breezes and quiet of country living.

We sit on the deck overlooking the gentle lapping waters and it never fails, my mom starts slapping everything in sight! Out comes the flyswatter and the Off! Repellant to be sprayed on every visible inch of her body. The smell is horrendous!

The thing that terrifies me the most though is that damn flyswatter! Even the dog has learned that when the bright yellow thingy comes out, she is to run…quickly! If you are in the general vicinity, you need to move or become one of the swatted. She is so quick you never see it coming. One second you are kicked back enjoying a nice breeze, the next you are on the ground wondering what the hell just hit you!

There is a lensmaster, enslavedbyfaeries, that has written her take on these tiny fairylike creatures, The Mosquito Protection Society . This was the first Squidoo lens I ever saw and I can remember being confused at first, then laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe! That was the day I signed up at Squidoo and became a lensmaster.

Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.

Tags: enslavedbyfaeries, Holley, humor, Joker Squid at Crabbysbeach, mosquito repellant, mosquitoes

My Canary Ate My Cat…

Alex — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 00:15:38 +0000

In my previous life, I spent many years as a shop foreman, and believe me, no one can be more creative about calling in sick than male machinists.

One shop I worked in began the work day at 6:30 in the morning. It was not an odd occurrence to have at least one of the heavy drinking boys not be in the shop every morning, but one guy took the cake when it came to calling in sick.

This is my honest recollection of two phone calls I took one morning. The first one came at 7:

"Alex? This is Bill. I won't be in this morning, because I got pissed at my girlfriend last night and put my fist through her windshield. So, I gotta fix it."

"Bill? Is your hand okay?"

"Huh?"

"Your hand? You know? The one you put through the windshield? Is it damaged?"

"The windshield? Yeah, I have to fix it. How did you know?"

"Never mind, Bill. You take what time you need. Even if it's all day."

"It shouldn't take all day. I just need a coupla stitches. I put my fist through my girlfriend's windshield."

"Okay Bill. We'll see you tomorrow."

"Thanks Alex, I may need the day to replace that windshield."

It was a good thing I didn't have to take a breathalyzer test after THAT phone call. I could smell the Jack Daniels on his breath.

Along about 9:30 I get a page to answer the phone. Yeah, you guessed it. It was Bill again.

"Alex?"

"Yeah, Bill?"

"Ummmm...I won't be in today, I hurt my back last night. I was tryi....."

"Hold on Bill. Which excuse do you want to use?"

"Huh?"

"You called not 3 hours ago to let me know you would be late, or not in at all. You said you put your hand through your girlfriend's windshield."

"I did?"

"Yup. I just want to know which excuse you want to use. This way, you'll have one in the bank for next time."

CLICK!

I won't even venture to say that in 25 years I heard them all, because some of the ones that I heard were to bizarre to make that kind of claim.

Well known Squidoo Lensmaster rms (robin) put together a headquarters for those who aren't feeling very creative and need an excuse to call in sick.

When you visit Good (and not so good) Excuses To Call In Sick, come back and tell me the chrome blue toenail polish in the picture with the caption Are You Kidding Me? doesn't look a bit odd with the hairy legs.

If you can see this, then you might need a Flash Player upgrade or you need to install Flash Player if it's missing. Get Flash Player from Adobe.

Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.

Tags: funny excuses, lens, office humor, Squidoo

How to Find Mrs Right…Now

Holley — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 05:40:39 +0000

It's Valentines Day and I know there are a lot of guys out there looking for that perfect woman. She might even be looking for you too!

Here a just a few of the things you can do to get that perfect woman to notice you.

First of all make sure she sees you looking at her breasts. She will know that you have a real interest in her if you do this often enough.

Make sure you check out all the other women in the room so that she understands she must live up to the competition.

Don't wear any of that prissy ass deodorant. Women want a man who smells like a man.

Have at least 2 days growth of beard on your face so she knows you are a rebel. She will love the way it chaps her soft skin and leaves your mark on her.

Remember that she wants a caveman who will drag her out on the dance floor and then put your hands on her butt while you dance. This lets everyone know she's yours. Don't forget to stick your tongue in her ear.

If none of these approaches works on her then she is the wrong gal. Work on your approach and head out to the next truck stop.

Here's another great idea:

Tags: Holley, how to impress women, valentines day

3 Awesome Practical Jokes Involving Thongs

Amanda Sage — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 21:12:46 +0000

So, for anyone who may not know me, I'm Amanda (cjsysreform on Squidoo) and I sell petite lingerie. Right now I'm facing crazy competition from the big online merchants, due to Valentine's Day sales and promotions. I have six pairs of designer panties I will probably never be able to sell, three of which are thongs.

I do not wear thongs myself, as I find them ridiculous... but I've been thinking of some funny things I could do with these lacy bits of overstock.

Stick one in my boyfriend's coat pocket right before he puts on his coat to go to work.

He knows I don't wear thongs, so at the very least, this would result in him being very confused about whose thong this is and how it got into his pocket. The best possible outcome: he gets to work, reaches into his pocket to get his ID badge or whatever, and pulls out this bright pink thong (the brand name for this particular color is "Spicy Pink") in front of a bunch of co-workers and hopefully also his boss.

Glue one inside the seat of one of the used pairs of designer jeans I've got listed for sale on eBay.

When the buyer inevitably responds with an angry "wtf is this" email, I'll reply with the following: "I told you they were used. Why do you think I let you have them for ten bucks? You can send them back if you want, but as it says in my returns policy, the buyer pays shipping."

Cut one up into ten little squares the size of postage stamps, and sell it on eBay for $50:

Lot of 10 crotchless low-rise g-string designer panties AMAZING DEAL! **SEXY!**

Where, Oh Where Has My Humor Gone?

Alex — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 16:21:08 +0000

Some folks wouldn't know a sense of humor if they tripped over it. Others only have to utter something, anything, and people will roll in the aisles laughing.

Consider this story of a fresh convict's first day in the Big House:

It was Joey's first day as an inmate. His cell mate, Jack, had a big heart and usually took it upon himself to conduct a first day orientation for newbies.

While they were eating with the general population in the mess hall, an inmate across the hall from them stood up and yelled, "198!"

Immediately, the mess hall rang with laughter as nearly every inmate was cracking up and Joey was puzzled.

No sooner than the tears of laughter were being wiped away another voice rang out, "31!"

The ensuing laughter was twice as loud as the first round. Joey was even more befuddled.

Joey leaned into Jack and whispered, "What the hell is so damn funny about those numbers?"

"We all have been in here so long that we have heard all the jokes so many times that we just put numbers to them so we don't have to tell the whole thing. "

"Ahhhh....that's ingenious. Saves time so more jokes can be told."

Sensing an opportunity to get a step closer to acceptance by the general population, Joey stood up and loudly proclaimed, "117!"

Not a peep. Not one giggle. Not even a groan.

Embarrassed, Joey sat back down and ask Jack what just happened.

Jack replied, "Some can tell 'em and some can't"

Steven Wright has an unparalleled sense of humor. His presentation in iteself is demonstrative of his jokes that are steeped in irony. There seems to be long pauses between jokes in his dry delivery, and if one joke bombs, it is possible that 2-3 minutes of his routine are spent trying to recover the audience.

Personally, I've never seen him bomb. Maybe I'm just that twisted. Maybe I see too much humor in too many things.

Nah.

If you can see this, then you might need a Flash Player upgrade or you need to install Flash Player if it's missing. Get Flash Player from Adobe.

Squidoo Lensmaster Macs (Tam), put together a truly funny lens titled Sense Of Humor Found in which she explores finding a sense of humor.

There is a comic debate on that lens over whether or not God has a sense of humor. Although I was belly laughing hard over the 7 minute video, I say that the question could have been answered with two words:

Duckbill Platypus.

Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.

Tags: humor, Joker Squid at Crabbysbeach, lens, lensmaster, macs, Squidoo

Caffeine Me, Baby!

Holley — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 20:24:27 +0000

In these tough economic times, we should all be careful about the jobs we choose to consider from possible employers. With half the nation now searching for jobs, the employers continue to whittle down not only the pay but the benefits they choose to graciously bestow upon employees.

Since my salary range has now been cut in half by this utter devastation of our economy it is my belief that I should protect my benefits as well as possible by letting the potential employer know right up front what my rules of employment are.

No coffee. No workee.

That pretty much sums it up. I am a computer technician. Without coffee we work about as well as a car engine deprived of oil or a cop without a donut.

In the lens Caffeine Molecule by lensmaster puzzlemaker I found several caffeine references that had me screaming that I had to have that one! You seamstresses will find at least one that should have you laughing heartily!

Tags: caffeine, chocolate, coffee, funny, Holley, Joker Squid at Crabbysbeach

My Wife Was One Of A Kind. Thank Effin’ God!

Alex — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 18:00:27 +0000

When I was a kid, my mom and dad, well I'm sure it mostly mom's idea, had a plaque hanging up in the kitchen that was a reminder of how decisions were made and debates settled between the two.

The plaque was a broken rolling pin that read, "We never fight anymore."

In an effort to carry that kind of humor into my first marriage, I bought my new wife a wedding gift. The gift was a Tupperware rolling pin. Plastic and hollow.

Upon arriving home from work one day, shortly after we were married, my wife asked me to look in the freezer. Yes, I found the Tupperware rolling pin in there. Frozen solid and heavy as hell.

She said with an evil grin, "I saw your mom's plaque."

Somehow my joke wasn't funny anymore. In fact, fear put humor in the back seat for the ensuing twenty years.

There have been comedians who have made a killer living with marriage humor, and of course Henny Youngman may be the most famous of them all.

The King of The One-Liners gave us such memorable jokes as:

Take my wife...please
My wife and I have been eating at the same restaurant for 30 years...I eat there on Tuesdays and she eats there on Thursdays.
Been married for 38 years and I'm still in love with the same woman...if my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

Then there was Rodney Dangerfield, arguably the funniest man to ever live. Rodney's I get no respect routine included large blocks of time dedicated to his loving wife:

I was out of town for a week, got back in town, grabbed a cab and told the cabbie to take me to where all the action was.

He took me to my back door

My wife told me she was going to leave me. I asked her if there was someone else and she replied, "There's gotta be."

For me, the best I could muster up is:

Leaving my wife felt like someone finally discovered it wasn't my DNA at the crime scene.

Marriage is an institution, and some folks deserve to be committed to it. And being such a serious deal, marriage also needs some humor to kill stress, before any real blood is spilled.

Squidoo Lensmaster EasyW brings some pretty funny marriage jokes to the game with the lens Wedding Jokes and Humor.

Go check it out. You might find a rolling pin that fits.

If you can see this, then you might need a Flash Player upgrade or you need to install Flash Player if it's missing. Get Flash Player from Adobe.

Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.

Tags: Alex, easyw, Joker Squid at Crabbysbeach, lens, lensmaster, marriage, Squidoo

Give It To Me The Way I Like It!

Holley — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 16:19:40 +0000

Focus. This a word I have heard often enough in my life, usually from men. I have no idea why they don’t understand that I can focus on a myriad of things at once. I have a schedule in my head and when it doesn’t seem to follow the patterns of others, I am the one who is not focusing.

Some people love to tinker and tell you every tiny detail of how something works and why. It makes me afraid to ask a question of these obsessive people. When I do find myself brave enough to venture a question, I try to word it in a way that they can only answer what I asked. If I get a long drawn out answer, I have usually focused on two or three other things by the time they are finished. I don’t enjoy details unless it’s some juicy piece of news and that is where they always want to get evasive, or skim the details.

I made the mistake once of asking my now ex-husband about a tool that he kept in his tool belt. This led to a half hour of demonstrations of the tool. I assure you, learning to cut carpet was not on my agenda that day. No, I haven’t forgotten how to do it, but I do now have a strong aversion to carpet and at least one man who installs it.

It’s much nicer to get the abbreviated version worded in such a way that you’ll always remember it and may even smile at the memory of the instructions. MiMi GrowWear did just that in her Women’s Overalls lens.

Ladies, take note, the lessons learned here will serve you well. Even Thor’s hammer doesn’t stand a chance against me now. Men, get your smokes ready, you’ll need them

So, a word to the wise, just give it to me short and sweet and I’ll figure out how the toy…err…tool works.

Tags: GrowWear, hammer, Joker Squid at Crabbysbeach, tool

God, Golf, and Uneasy Achievements

Alex — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 15:25:36 +0000

A Catholic Priest awoke early one late Spring Sunday only to find a glorious day of the likes he hadn't seen in years. A golfer's dream he told himself.

Being an avid golfer, the priest was torn between his commitment to his flock, the Lord, and golf. This inner turmoil tormented the priest until he finally saw a clear resolution.

He phoned his associate priest and asked him if he could take the masses today because he was feeling really ill. The associate agreed to help out and the golfing priest was set.

He sneakily left the priest house and drove to a golf course on the other side of town. Somewhere he wouldn't be recognized.

Just then an angel was looking down from Heaven and spotted the duty shirking priest. The angel ran to God and stammered, "God,God, look at Father O'Malley! He is dodging his commitment!"

God answered, "So?"

"What are you going to do about this indiscretion?"

"Nothing."

"Hmmmph!"

The golfing priest went through the first nine holes like he was Bobby Jones. Absolutely the best golf he was ever playing. Maybe the best he ever personally witnessed.

"God, look at him. He is playing the golf game of a lifetime while he should be preaching to his congregation. That's just wrong! Are you going to do something?"

"Nah."

"Hmmmph!"

The priest was at hole 17, a particularly nasty little par 3. No one ever came close to a hole-in-one at this hole, until the priest teed off.

"Ill be damned, God. First you let this miscreant lie his way out of mass so he could go play golf, then you allow him to play golf like he was a legend, and now an improbable hole-in-one! Why??!!??"

God smiled smugly, "Who is he going to tell?"

Humor is one of those rare qualities that knows no boundaries. Every topic can have a humorous side and every humorous side can be over the top. But, as esteemed Squidoo Lensmaster, poddys, points out in his Religious Jokes lens, funny doesn't have to be raw.

I laughed hard at some of the jokes on that lens, but what I laughed hardest at was this line in the intro:

There are even some really funny Jewish Jokes these days

Anyone else think that was as funny as I did?

If you can see this, then you might need a Flash Player upgrade or you need to install Flash Player if it's missing. Get Flash Player from Adobe.

Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.

Tags: Alex, humor, Joker Squid at Crabbysbeach, lens, lensmaster, poddys, Squidoo

Joker Squid

I’d Almost Welcome Zombies

Related posts

Protecting the Mosquitoes

Related posts

My Canary Ate My Cat…

Related posts

How to Find Mrs Right…Now

Related posts

3 Awesome Practical Jokes Involving Thongs

Related posts

Where, Oh Where Has My Humor Gone?

Related posts

Caffeine Me, Baby!

Related posts

My Wife Was One Of A Kind. Thank Effin’ God!

Related posts

Give It To Me The Way I Like It!

Related posts

God, Golf, and Uneasy Achievements

Related posts