New,Latest,Active,Clean & Unlimited Jokes

Joke 220:Blonde redneck

2015-06-09T00:21:00.005-07:00

A blonde redneck went to Sears and she asked, "How is much is this TV?" The salesman said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blonde rednecks." The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blonde rednecks." The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don''t sell to blonde rednecks." She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?" "Because that is not a TV, it''s a microwave."

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2016

Joke 219: Accountants

2015-06-09T00:16:00.000-07:00

Two accountants go to their credit union on their lunch break, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2016

Joke 218:What does it give?

2015-06-08T03:13:00.001-07:00

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2015

Joke 217: Benefits Package

2015-06-08T03:11:00.002-07:00

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2015

Joke 216: Finding the lost souls

2015-04-29T22:43:00.000-07:00

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2015

Joke 215: Honestly Alcoholic

2015-04-27T22:41:00.000-07:00

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she had selected the following items: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A half carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A small head of romaine lettuce, A 2-pound can of coffee, And a 1-pound package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2015

Joke 214:Oh those Policemen

2015-04-25T22:37:00.000-07:00

When Mr.. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after he’d lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. “We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.”

“Well…tell me!” he demanded.

The policeman said, “We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, “Give me the bad news first.”

So the policeman said, “I’m sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife’s body this morning in San Francisco Bay.”

“OH MY GOD!,” said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, “What’s the good news?”

“Well,” said the policeman, “When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her.”

“Huh?” he said, not understanding. “So, what’s the great news?”

The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning.”

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2015

Joke 213:Marriage Proposal

2014-03-31T05:36:00.002-07:00

The following is what a women posted on a dating forum seeking a rich husband:

I’m going to be honest of what I’m going to say here. I’m 25 this year. I’m very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I’m greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York.

My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you?

Among those I’ve dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden(?), $250k annual income is not enough.

I’m here humbly to ask a few questions:

1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)

2) Which age group should I target?

3) Why most wives of the riches are only average-looking? I’ve met a few girls who don’t have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys.

4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)

Ms. Pretty

A philosophical reply from CEO of J.P. Morgan below:

Dear Ms. Pretty,

I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyse your situation as a professional investor. My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I’m not wasting time here.

From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain.

Put the details aside, what you’re trying to do is an exchange of “beauty” and “money” : Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square. However, there’s a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can’t be prettier year after year.

Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It’s not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worse 10 years later.

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a “trading position”. If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term – same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or “leased”.

Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income.This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps.

signed,

J.P. Morgan CEO

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 212:Bar room fight

2014-02-16T09:32:00.001-08:00

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor.

The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!!

-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this...

He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves.

The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned.

Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and

-- WHAM!!!" --

knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!

The little guy looks at the bartender and says,

"When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears."

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 211: Safety Award

2014-02-16T09:23:00.000-08:00

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award.

Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."

The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 210: Jokes from Stephen Hawking

2014-02-16T09:16:00.002-08:00

What did 1 uranium atom say to the other? "I'm feeling a bit unstable, I better split".

A photon checks into a hotel: "any luggage?" -"no, I travel light."

An electron is accused of annihilating a photon.

Judge: "State your name for the record." Electron: "Negative."

Judge: "Guilty or not guilty, how do you plead?" Electron: "Negative."

Judge: "Can you say anything else, besides 'negative'?" Electron: "Negative."

An electron comes running into the police station and says "Officer, Officer... someone just stole my electron!"

The officer say "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm positive"

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 209: Maths

2014-02-16T09:09:00.001-08:00

There are 3 kinds of people in this world.

Those who are good at Maths

and

Those who are not

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2014

Joke 208:Elementary

2012-01-08T10:45:00.000-08:00

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't. Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 207:Rabbit in a bar

2012-01-08T10:33:00.000-08:00

This rabbit walks into a bar one cold night and says, "I'd like a beer and a ham and cheese toastie please." The bartender looks stymied but gives the rabbit what he wants. The rabbit chucks a few dollars on the bar and saunters off. He does the same thing next week to the increasing curiosity of the bartender. On the third week the Rabbit comes back, asks for his beer and ham and cheese toastie. The bartender tells the rabbit, "Sure, we're out of cheese though, but we have onion." The rabbit sighs, tucks in and leaves. The rabbit isn't heard from for a few weeks and comes back into the bar one night as a ghost. The bartender says "Crikey mate, what happened to you?" The rabbit looks at the bartender and says, "I mixed my toasties!" ( Myxomatosis was a drug used in Australia to control the introduced rabbit population) Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 206:Rain Farming

2012-01-08T10:31:00.000-08:00

A guy was driving along a country road and noticed a farmer standing in the middle of his field in the pouring rain. He thought he might be in trouble so he stopped his car and went over and asked if he was okay. The farmer said, "Oh yeah, I'm fine. I'm just trying to win a Nobel prize." The other guy was really confused. "How exactly?" he asked the farmer. The farmer answers, "I heard they give it to people who are outstanding in their field." Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 205:2012:US presidential Campaign

2012-01-05T08:52:00.001-08:00

And how about that Michele Bachmann? If she gets any more creative with American history, it'll turn out the Alamo didn't fall — it tripped. And then there's Herman Cain. This man wants to dig a moat along our border and fill it with alligators. I'm not sure what he has in mind for health-care reform, but I think it involves leeches. I hear Sarah Palin's finishing up her tour. Some say she's become addicted to fame — like Lady Gaga, only less political. And don't you love Ron Paul? He's a doctor who doesn't think health care is a right. Sort of like a plumber who's willing to fix everything except the bathroom. Read more: http://www.esquire.com/blogs/politics/obama-impersonator-jokes-5959407#ixzz1ibTnGs6ePart of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 204 2012-End of the World: How Will the Media Report It?

2012-01-05T08:44:00.000-08:00

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER Wired: THE LAST NEW THING Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR Readers Digest: 'BYE Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS? TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR! Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET! America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES. Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE. Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 203:A panda walked into a bar

2011-06-18T08:47:00.001-07:00

A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please" so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down.
Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.

All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.

The barman came over and said "Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!"
the panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?"
"Why yes," the barman answered. "You're a panda."
"Good," the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary." And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.

The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.
After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition:

PANDA: (n)A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 202:Logic

2011-05-18T22:05:00.001-07:00

Wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

Short time later the husband walks in with 6 cartons of milk.

Wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 201: Little Johny Again

2011-05-14T19:35:00.001-07:00

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 200:A Hamster and a Frog

2011-05-14T19:34:00.001-07:00

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it. The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, climbs down the bar, runs across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing a tune. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle, or else no drink", says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.

The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy." "Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 199:Washington

2011-05-14T19:33:00.000-07:00

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance." God smiled, "There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there."

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 198:Watermelon Farming

2011-04-15T22:06:00.000-07:00

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch, and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast. The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation, and he puts up a sign that reads:

"WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons. The farmer returned to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads:

"NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 197:Joint Operations

2011-04-15T22:01:00.001-07:00

One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 196: Parental Gifts

2011-04-15T21:53:00.000-07:00

After going to university, each of four sons left the house and started into their careers. The sons quickly became very successful business entrepreneurs and prospered well.

Before the holiday season, over lunch, the four sons discussed how well they had done and the gifts they were able to give back to their elderly parents this year who lived in another city far away.

The oldest son said "Had a huge house built for Dad with six washrooms and ten bedrooms."
The next son said "had a 100 thousand dollar multimedia theater installed in the house."
The third son said "My Audi dealer deliver an fully loaded Audi R8 to the house."
The youngest son explained "You know how Dad loved reading the Bible every night and now he can't, as he does not see well anymore. Well, met a preacher who had a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers and fifteen years to train this parrot.
I asked 'how much for this parrot" and preacher said "irreplacable ..no amount of money can replace this parrot" So I pledged $100,000 a year for twenty years to the preachers church to get this parrot .. it was a lot, but I feel it was worth it. Now, Dad just has to name the chapter and verse that he wants and the parrot will recite it word for word.

"Amazing Parrot" The brothers were impressed.

After the holidays, the Dad sent out his thank you notes.
You are my oldest favorite son John, the house is truly beautiful and is so huge. We only live in one room, but mom has to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway." Dad

"Tom, your gift was very thoughtful, but we are too old now to travel far. We both stay at home lately and have food and groceries delivered to the house. Unfortunately we never use the Audi. Your thoughts were kind. Thanks, Love Mom and Dad

Andy, That grand 40 person multimedia theater you had installed is awesome with the Dolby sound. Unfortunately, most of my friends are dead, my hearing is going fast and can barely see the screen as we are nearly blind. Too bad, we just can't use it. Thank you for the wonderful gesture just the same." Dad

"Dearest Sammy, you are our youngest son and we love you. This year you're the only son to have the common sense to give us a gift with a little thought behind it. "The chicken was delicious, Thank you, love Mom and Dad."

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012