JOKES 4 U ALL

DHABA.......

2009-08-08T10:06:00.000-07:00

Kakey da dhaaba (in London) has famous as a cheap eating places.

An Indian abroad ran out of foreign exchange and went looking for the cheapest eating place in town.

He located an Kakey da dhaaba and went in. He found three sections: 'European, Chinese, and Indian' He went into the Indian.

It was divided into two:Vegeterian and non-vegetarian.

He went into the vegetarian which was further divided into pure ghee and vanaspati.

He went to the vanaspati section and found yet another division:

Cash or credit.

Cheered at the prospect of not having to pay in foreign exchange he opted for the Credit section.

When he got to it he found the sign: "Exit: get out."

INTERVIEW--- Electrical Engg.............

2009-08-07T10:05:00.000-07:00

People come up with peculiar or funny answers in interviews or exams:
Interviewer: Why is a thicker conductor necessary to carry a current in A.C. as compared to D.C. ?
Candidate: An AC current goes up and down (drawing a sinusoid) and requires more space inside the wire, so the wire has to be thicker.
Interviewer: How will you tell if that wall outlet carries AC or DC ?
Candidate: I will put my finger in. If it is pushed away, it is DC. If it gets stuck, it was AC.

Interviewer: How will you reverse direction of an induction motor?
Candidate: I will remove the four bolts at the base, turn the motor around, and put back the bolts.

Interviewer: How do you start a synchronous motor?
Candidate: Vrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in rising pitch)
Interviewer: Stop! Stop!
Candidate: rrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in falling pitch)

Interviewer: How do you limit surge current within an integrated circuit?
Candidate: By using a miniature circuit breaker.
External (to student) : " Why does a capacitor block DC but allow AC to pass through ?
Student: See, a capacitor is like this --- --- , OK. DC Comes straight, like this ----------, and the capacitor stops it. But AC,goes UP, DOWN, Up DOWN and jumps right over the capacitor!"
Examiner : "What is a step-up transformer?"
Student : "A transformer that is put on top of electric poles."
Examiner (smiling): "And then what is a step-down transformer?"
Student (hesitantly):"Uh - A transfomer that is put in the basement or in a pit?"
Examiner (pouncing): "Then what do you call a transformer that is installed on the ground?"
(student knows he is caught -- can't answer)
Examiner (impatiently): "Well?"
Student (triumphantly): "A stepless transformer, sir!"

DIVER..

2009-08-06T10:04:00.000-07:00

One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level.

He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 ft but the guy joined him a few minutes later.

The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote,

"How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote,

"I'M DROWNING, YOU FOOOOOL!!!"

Discrimination .....

2009-08-05T10:02:00.000-07:00

On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg a middle-aged, white South African Lady found herself sitting next to a black man.

She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.

"What seems to be the problem Madam?" asked the attendant.

"Can't you see?" she said " You've sat me next to a kaffir. "

I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human.

Find me another seat!" "Please calm down Madam." the stewardess replied.

"The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do-I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class."
The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers).
A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self satisfied grin:

"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full.

I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full.

However, we do have one seat in first class.

" Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues ...

"It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone be forced to sit next to such an obnoxious person."

With that, she turned to the black man sitting next to the woman, and said:

"So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have 1st class seat ready for you..."

At which point, apparently the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the black guy walked up to the front of the plane.

Excellent CAR RIDE ...............

2009-08-04T10:01:00.000-07:00

A guy is standing at a bus stop in the pouring rain with no coat or umbrella, when a car slides up to the kerb and stops beside him.

Thinking he has just been offered a lift he opens the door and gets in relieved to be out of the wet.

"Thanks pal I thought I would never......"

he looks across at the driver and there is no one in the seat.

Next thing the car moves off silently and for the next four miles it stops at every red light, obeys every traffic law and finally comes to a stop at the top of the road where the guy lives - he is by now is in a severe state of shock and anxiety and the only reason he has not jumped from the car en-route is because it was traveling so slowly that he knew he could get out at any time if something unearthly happened.
Anyway it was going his way and keeping him dry!

Now it is stopped at the kerb again just up the street from where he lives and the guy gets out, closes the door and as he turns to head off home he bumps into another guy who is going to get into the car.
"Hey buddy I would not get in that car if I were you there's something weird about it" "Yeah, I know" says the second guy "

But I've just pushed it four miles and I really need the rest".

Lawyer Teacher & His Student !!!!!!!!

2009-08-03T10:00:00.000-07:00

Few centuries ago,

a Law teacher came across a student who was willing to learn but was unable to pay the fee.

The student struck a deal saying ' I would pay your fee the day i win my first case in the court'.
Teacher agreed and proceeded with the law course.
When the course was finished and teacher started pestering the student to pay up the fee, student reminded the deal and pushed days.

Fed up with this, the teacher decided to sue the student in the court of law and both of them decided to argue for themselves.

The teacher put forward his argument saying : " If i win this case, as per the court of law, student has to pay me. And if i lose the case, student will still pay me because he would have won his first case.

So either way i will have to get the money ".

Equally brilliant student argued back saying : "If i win the case, as per the court of law, i don't have to pay anything to the teacher.

And if i lose the case, i don't have to pay him because I haven't won my first case yet.

So either way, i am not going to pay the teacher anything ".

King & Thief !!!!!!!!!!!

2009-08-02T10:00:00.000-07:00

A king caught the bandit chief and before punishing , offered him a statement. The king said ' You can make a statement. If you say the truth in it, you will be shot and if not you will be hanged ' . The clever bandit chief replied ' I will be hanged'. The king got into a dilemma of what to do.

Crocodile & Mother-Sence of Humor !!!

2009-08-02T09:57:00.000-07:00

A crocodile caught a kid and when kid's mother came for rescue, crocodile posed her a question - 'U can make a statement. If you speak the truth in it, i will return your kid . Otherwise i will eat him.' And the mother agreed.
The clever mother made the statement - "You will eat my kid'. Now, the crocodile is in a dilemma of what to do.

ARCHER - Perfect Aim !!!

2009-08-01T09:56:00.000-07:00

A duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants; he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.
"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke. "I must find him!"
After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow.

Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.
"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?" asked the duke worriedly.
"No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy."
"That is truly astonishing," said the duke. "I hereby admit you into my service." The boy thanked him profusely.
"But I must ask one favor in return," the duke continued. "You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot."
"Well," said the boy,

"first I fire the arrow at the tree,

and then................

I paint the target around it."

Simple

Don Shamji & Ghansham.............

2009-07-31T09:55:00.000-07:00

Ghansham : Sham, iss aadmi ne hamaare saath gaddaree kee hai..
Sham: Iss kuththe ki ek haath meinTITAN ki ghadi aur doosre haath mein HMT ki ghadi pehnaado.
Ghansham: Lekin Sham, yeh to gaddaar hai.
Shamji : Hum jaante hain, Isko bathaana hai ki ab yeh do ghadi ka mehmaan hai.
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Ghansham : Sham, Sona kahan hai? (Where is the gold?)
Shamji : Saara beach hamaara hai. Kahi bhee so jao Ghansham.

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Ghansham and Shamji are escaping in a boat and suddenly there's a hole in the boat and water starts coming in.
Ghansham is anxious.
Ghansham : Ab kya hoga Sham...?
Shamji : Ek aur hole kardo, Ghansham...
Ghansham : Ek aur hole..?!!
Shamji : Ek hole pe 'IN' likh do aur doosre hole par 'OUT' likh do.
Paani IN mein aayega aur OUT se baahar jaayega...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shamji : Is gaddaar ko shaampein mein dubaa do.
Ghansham : Lekin kyon, Sham?
Shamji : 'Shame se' nahin to 'Pain' se mar jaayega...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mona comes in with a proposal to get married
Mona : Sham, Humne Toni se shaadi karni hai
Shamji : Mona yeh bilkul nahi ho sakta
Mona : Lekin Sham, yeh kyon?
Shamji : Mona, tumne agar Toni se shaadi ke to yahan bahut monatony ho
jaigi.

Mona goes ahead, gets married and has twin boys

Ghansham : Sham, Mona ke judwa ladkae hua hai.
Shamji : Theek hai humne inke naam bhi soch liye pehle ka Peter aur
doosra Repeater
Later, Mona has twin girls
Ghansham : Sham, Mona ke judwa ladkiya hua hai.
Shamji : Theek hai humne inke naam bhi soch liye - pehli ka Kate aur doosri
DupliKate

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ghansham : Sham, mein aaj kaam pe nahin aaoonga. Mujhe stomach ache
hai.
Shamjih : Abay bavakoof ! Har kisi ko stomach ek hi hotha hai.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shamjih : Ghansham, is gaddhar ko is duniya se aazad kar dho. Iski
laash ko Police Estation ke saamne phenk dho. Aur is ke side mein ek suyi bhonk dho.
Ghansham : Lekin Sham side mein suyi kyon ?
Shamjih : Thake Police samjhe ki ye suyiside hai.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ghansham : Sham meri beevi ko theen ladke payida ho gaye hai. Mein
inka naam kya rakhoon.
Shamjih : Phele ka naam Peter rakho, dusre ka naam Repeater rakho
aur theesre ka naam Chin Chin Choo rakhko.
Ghansham : Lekin Sham thesre ka naam Chin Chin Choo kyon ?
Shamjih : Are bevakoof, woh isliye ke duniya mein har theesra
bachha Chinese hotha hai.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene: Sham murders a man.
Shamji : Ghansham, Is aadmi ko Hero Honda ki tank mein dal do.
Ghansham : kyon Sham?
Shamji : Fill it,shut it,forget it!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shamji : Ghansham!
Ghansham : Yes, Sham?
Shamji : Yeh "bus" mei kuch hawa daal do.
Ghansham : Lekin, kyon bass?
Shamji : Yeh bus "Airbus" ban jayega.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ghansham : Shamji, China se Mr. Hu aayee hain.
Shamji : Goli maar do.
Hu mar jaane par humor ban ke sab ko hasaayenge.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene: Shamji thouroughly disgusted with Mona da..arrling's typing.
Shamji : Ghansham, Mona ke dono hathon ko kaat do.
Ghansham : Magar kyoon Sham?
Shamji : Typing to nahi atee, kamsekam shaarthand to seekh legi.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SHAMJI AND STUDENTS........

2009-07-22T09:54:00.000-07:00

Shamji is the english teacher in a school.
He is very well renowned for all his students do very well in exams.
The school is having an inspection and the inspector decided to visit the english class.
This is what transpires :
Shamji : " Bolo bachon GADHA "
Students (in chorous) : "GADHA "
Shamji : " Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA "
Students (in chorous) : "GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA "
Shamji : " Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI"
Students (in chorous) : "GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE MAI"
Shamji : " Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH "
Students (in chorous) : "GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH"
By this time the inspector is furious.
He confronts the principal and shouts at him
"What is this Shamji teaching to students?
He is supposed to be taking an english class and what he is saying is GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH.
The principle too is shocked,
Shamji the famous english teacher doing this.
He immediately sends for Shamji.
Principal: " Shamji what nonsense are you telling these students, GADHA,
GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH".
Shamji : "Yes i was telling all this in class, but i was only teaching the students the spellings of
Assassination: - Ass-Ass-I-Nation

SHAMJI & HIS FRIENDS........

2009-07-22T09:53:00.000-07:00

Shamji & his 4 friends were in Mumbai.
They all decided to start a business.
They had a lot of discussions on the type of business and finally decided to start a hotel.
They selected the best of locations and cooks and built the hotel.
The hotel was inaugurated and was awaiting its first customer.
Shamji & his friends waited and waited but nobody turned up.
The story was the same the next day.
A week passed but noboby turned up.

WHY ? - --------------

Because there was a sign at the entrance "Visitors not allowed."

After the failure of their hotel they decided to start an Auto Garage.

They bought the best of car servicing equipments and soon started the garage.
Shamji & his friends waited that day for the first car to arrive but no car entered their garage.
They waited for one day, 2 days ,a week but no car came to their garage.

WHY ? -------

Because their garage was on the first floor.

After this failure they decided to fall back on the good old taxi driving.

They bought a new Premier Padmini running on CNG and began to look for passengers.
They drew past Churchgate but nobody hailed their taxi.

They went to Nariman point yet nobody hailed their taxi.

They drove to Chatrapati Shivaji Terminus, even there nobody hailed their taxi.
In desperation they kept on driving all around Mumbai but alas no one hailed their taxi.

WHY ? -----

B'cos all shamji & his friends were sitting in the taxi.

Shamji & his friends were very disgusted with their naseeb and decided to push their taxi into the sea at Marine Lines.
They started pushing their taxi.
They pushed the whole day and were very exhausted but the taxi did not move even an inch.
They decided to rest for the night and start the next day.
The next day the story repeated itself.
The taxi just wouldnt move.
They pushed for a whole week but the taxi wouldnt budge.

WHY ? ------

Because two of them were pushing from front and two from behind.

TRAIN TO LUDHIANA....

2009-07-22T09:52:00.002-07:00

Sham and Ghansham are in a railway station.
Shamji asks the clerk:"Can I take this train to Ludhiana?".
"No," answers the Railway man.
"Can I?" asks GhanSham

LONG FLIGHT....

2009-07-22T09:52:00.001-07:00

Shamji calls Air India.
"How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?"
"Just a sec," comes an answer.
"Thank you." says the Shamji
and hangs up!

CROCODILE BOOTS....

2009-07-22T09:51:00.001-07:00

Shamji proposes to a woman.
She says yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots.
Shamji sets off to Africa and disappears.
Finally a search is being made;
They find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one.
Shamji walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims "71st and *again* barefeet!"

COLOR TV!!!!

2009-07-22T09:50:00.001-07:00

Shamji TO Sales Consultant - "Do you have color TVs?"
Sales Consultant - Sure.
Shamji – "Give me a green one, please."

DOUBLE DECKER BUS RIDE !!!!!

2009-07-21T04:17:00.001-07:00

Sham & Ghansham landed up in Bombay.
They managed to get into a double- decker bus.
Shamsomehow managed to get a bottom seat, But unfortunate Ghansham got pushed to the top. After a while when the rush is over,
Sham went upstairs to see friend Ghansham.

He met Ghansham in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands, scared to death.
He says, "Are Ghansham! What the heck's going' on? Why are you scared ?
I was enjoying my ride down there ?"

Scared Ghansham replies. "Yeah, but you've got a *driver.* "

HEIGHTS OF REVENGE !!!!!

2009-07-21T04:15:00.000-07:00

Talking about those days when there were no mosquito repellents and we had to spend sleepless nights.
Shamji was also experiencing the same every time he tries to sleep, one mosquito comes and disturbs his sleep with a sound "guooonn, guooonn."
He gets very irritated.
He tries to cover his ear but the problem remains persistent.
Ultimately he gets up and catches the mosquito in his hand.
He is very kind and not for the blood shed but still wanted to take revenge.
Happy as he is now starts singing "so ja machchar, bete so ja".
After some time he finds the mosquito falling in to deep sleep in his hands.
So he goes near it and says
"Guoooonnnnn, guoooonnnnn."

EMPLOYMENT - APPLICATION FORM !!!!!

2009-07-21T04:13:00.000-07:00

Shamji was filling up an application form for a job.
He promptly filled the columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc.
Then he came to the column Salary Expected :
He was not sure as to what to be filled there.
After much thought he wrote : Yes

ANOTHER COUNT!!!!

2009-07-21T04:11:00.000-07:00

Shamji is walking down the street and sees a man jumping up and down on a manhole cover yelling "86, 86, 86".
Shamji asks the man, "Excuse me, but why are you jumping up and down on this manhole cover and yelling '86, 86, 86'?"
The man says, "Well, I can't tell you that, but if you really want to know, I can let you go under there and find out.
Shamji thinks for a moment, then his curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, "Okay."
The man lifts the manhole cover,
Shamji steps into the manhole,
and the man puts the manhole cover back and starts jumping up and down on it
yelling "87, 87, 87".............

How to enter HEAVEN!!

2009-07-21T04:09:00.001-07:00

Shamji died and went to heaven.
When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth.
In u order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".

2. How many seconds are there in a year?

Then Shamji thought for a few minutes and answered...

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.

2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow,

even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct.

But how did you get only 12 seconds in a year?"

Then Shamji replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc...."

Saint Peter lets him in without another word

CHANDIGARH OR JALANDHAR

2009-07-21T03:54:00.000-07:00

Sham was going to Chandigarh from pune by an Air-India plane.
He was allotted the middle seat of one of the 3-seats array.
But as soon as Shamji got into the plane, he sat on the window side seat which was actually for an old lady.
After some time the old lady came and requested the Shamji to leave the side seat.
But Shamji told: "I want to see the view from the window and shall not leave".
The old lady then complained to the air hostess.
The air hostess came and requested Shamji to leave that seat.
But Shamji was adamant and did not leave.
Then the air hostess went and told the Asst capt.
He also came and requested, but in vain.
Finally the Captain came.
He whispered something in the ears of the Shamji and Shamji immedietly left the side seat and returned to the middle seat.
Astonished, the airhostess and the Asst. Capt. asked the Capt. what he told to the Shamji.
Capt. replied:
"nothing ,I just told him that only the middle seats will go to Chandigarh. All others will go to Jalandhar."

#TO LOOSE WEIGHT.....

2009-07-16T03:49:00.000-07:00

Doctor:- Shamji you should run 8K.Ms/day for 300 days & you will loose 34 kilos.

After 300 days.....

Shamji:- Doctor, I have lost the weight, but I have a problem.

Doctor:- "What's the problem?"

Shamji:- I am 2400 kms from my home.

Some common Jokes 4 u all !!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-07-09T02:02:00.000-07:00

ENJOY.................
*************************-------------*********----------***********-----********
"Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
Sham: "No, who wrote it?"
* * * * *
Sham ordered a pizza
the waitor asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please.
I could never eat twelve pieces." replied Sham with innosance......
* * * * *
Sham went to see a movie in the Cinema Hall with his 17 friends
Why????????
Simple Because below 18 was not allowed.
* * * * * *
How do you make a Sham laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
* * * * * *
Why can't Shams make ice cubes?
They always forget the recipe.
* * * * * *
Why does Sham always smile during lightning storms?
because Sham thinks his picture is being taken.
* * * * * *
Why does Sham have "TGIF" written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.
* * * * * *
Why can't Sham dial 911?
He can not find the eleven on the phone
* * * * * *

HR Mangagers Recruitment!!!!!

2009-07-04T02:23:00.001-07:00

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter.

"Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

“No problem, just let me in" said the woman.

Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders.

What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman

"Sorry, we have rules..."And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kindof cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.

She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave.

Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up.

St. Peter came and got her.

So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven.

Now you must choose your eternity,

The woman paused for a second and then replied,

"Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman,

"yesterday I was here and there was a golfcourse and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time.Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her smiled and told

.????

?????

"Yesterday we were recruiting you,

today you're an Employee"